Josh Lyman
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Quotes for
Josh Lyman (Character)
from "The West Wing" (1999)

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"The West Wing: Celestial Navigation (#1.15)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: Uh, long story short - you're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
President Josiah Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh Lyman: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
Josh Lyman: It was suggested in the press room that you did.
President Josiah Bartlet: By who?
Josh Lyman: By me.
President Josiah Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh Lyman: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear I did not do that. Except yes, I did that.
President Josiah Bartlet: Josh, I'm a little confused.
Josh Lyman: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic! There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.

Danny Concannon: [Josh is about to do a press briefing when Danny approaches him] You're not gonna do this.
Josh Lyman: Do the briefing?
Danny Concannon: You're not gonna do this.
Josh Lyman: I talk to reporters all the time.
Danny Concannon: You really don't want to do this.
Josh Lyman: Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your sixth-grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps.
[heads to the podium]
Danny Concannon: Okey-dokey.

Josh Lyman: [Leo has to meet with the President in the morning to discuss a series of mishaps involving the staff] Can I say something?
Leo McGarry: What?
Josh Lyman: A lot of this is our fault. And the President probably isn't going to take this very well and we just want you to know that we will be there with you in spirit tomorrow morning.
Leo McGarry: You're gonna be there with me in every way imaginable, Josh.
Josh Lyman: You bet.

Josh Lyman: [C.J. appears with an obviously a swollen cheek] What the hell happened?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I had woot canaw.
Josh Lyman: What happened to your cheeks?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I had woot canaw.
Josh Lyman: Why are you talking like that?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I HAD WOOT CANAW!
Josh Lyman: [smiling] Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.

Josh Lyman: [Toby has phoned Josh to tell him that he and Sam are lost] Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station?
Toby Ziegler: I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me a little more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh Lyman: [brief pause] How long before you let up on me on that?
Toby Ziegler: Oh, it's gonna take a little while, I would think.

Josh Lyman: The hardest job in the White House is the President. The second hardest job is not Chief of Staff, it's not National Security Advisor, and it's not Press Secretary, although I'm gaining a certain amount of respect for Press Secretaries. The second hardest job in the White House belongs to a 21-year-old kid named Charlie Young. He's what's called the President's body man, his personal aide. He's with the President morning to night. He has a range of responsibilities, all of them difficult. But the one he hates most in this: From time to time it is his job to wake the President up in the morning. And on this particular morning, the President had gone to sleep only three hours earlier.

Josh Lyman: First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.
President Josiah Bartlet: Who did?
Josh Lyman: I did.
President Josiah Bartlet: Oh, God.

Toby Ziegler: Have you fallen on your head?
Josh Lyman: Toby... Listen...
Toby Ziegler: Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?

Danny Concannon: [At a press conference] Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret?
Josh Lyman: Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.

Josh Lyman: We decided to move the press briefing to 2 to cover the teachers. But C.J. had emergency Root Canal at noon and was unable to do the briefing.
President Josiah Bartlet: Who did the briefing?
Josh Lyman: I did.
President Josiah Bartlet: Oh, God.

Josh Lyman: [after his disastrous press briefing] Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching.
Toby Ziegler: [From off camera] Where the hell is he?
Josh Lyman: Never mind.

"The West Wing: The Leadership Breakfast (#2.11)" (2001)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Who was the idiot who set off the smoke alarm last night?
Josh Lyman: Well, it sounds a lot like you're talking about Sam, Mr. President.
Sam Seaborn: Were you inconvenienced, sir?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: They had me on the Truman balcony for 6 minutes in my underwear.
Sam Seaborn: Was it cold?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: In January? No. Why do you ask?

Sam Seaborn: In fact we were talking about the stability of former Soviet republics and their fear of Islamic extremism and I have to say that I made some very scholarly points regarding the remaining nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and I have to believe...
Josh Lyman: Kazakhstan.
Sam Seaborn: Hmm?
Josh Lyman: The nuclear weapons are in Kazakhstan.
Sam Seaborn: I said Kyrgyzstan?
Josh Lyman: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, well, Kyrgyzstan has no nuclear weapons.
Josh Lyman: No.
Sam Seaborn: Kazakhstan's a country four times the size of Texas and has a sizable number of former Russian missile silos.
Josh Lyman: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Kyrgyzstan's on the side of a hill near China and has mostly nomads and sheep.

Josh Lyman: Donna?
Donna Moss: What was in the envelope?
Josh Lyman: Your underwear.
Donna Moss: What?
Josh Lyman: I'm holding your underwear in my hand right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back which, obviously, we'll spend some time talking about at a later date.

Donna Moss: You're not using lighter fluid or anything, are you?
Josh Lyman: No, no flammable liquids of any kind to start a fire, ever.
Sam Seaborn: Found it.
Josh Lyman: What?
Sam Seaborn: Kerosene.
Donna Moss: Josh...
Josh Lyman: Go.

Josh Lyman: Could you possibly get us some dried leaves?
Donna Moss: Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back.
Donna Moss: [Donna leaves room]
Sam Seaborn: You know what?
Josh Lyman: You think she was being sarcastic?
Sam Seaborn: Yeah. I don't think she's getting the leaves.
Josh Lyman: You know what we could use?
Sam Seaborn: Newspaper.
Josh Lyman: See, this is what I'm talking about. This is teamwork.
Sam Seaborn: It really is.

Josh Lyman: How's this for a phrase? "You can lay down in front of the train or you can get on board."
Sam Seaborn: That's a really bad phrase.
Josh Lyman: Is it better if it's "You can get on board the train or you can lay down in front of it"?
Sam Seaborn: No. It's really bad either way.

Donna Moss: Josh, this was delivered by messenger.
Josh Lyman: What is it?
Donna Moss: It's... wait, wait. No, damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today.
Josh Lyman: Gimme that!

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [walking by Sam and Josh] Fred and Ethel, would you follow me, please?
Josh Lyman: [looks at Sam] She's talking about us.

"The West Wing: Noël (#2.10)" (2000)
Leo McGarry: [after Josh finishes an intensive therapy session set up by Leo with a trauma therapist, Josh walks past Leo in a nearby hallway of the White House] How'd it go?
Josh Lyman: Did you wait around for me?
Leo McGarry: How'd it go?
Josh Lyman: He thinks I may have an eating disorder...
Leo McGarry: [bemused] Josh...
Josh Lyman: ...and a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it?
Josh Lyman: I didn't cut my hand on a glass. I broke a window in my apartment.
Leo McGarry: This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
Leo McGarry: Long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand?

Stanley Keworth: How'd you cut your hand?
Josh Lyman: [thinks about the question, but doesn't respond]
Stanley Keworth: You're not talking to the paperboy either, Josh.

Josh Lyman: You're not going to understand it.
Stanley Keworth: I'm a fairly well-educated guy.

Josh Lyman: I don't need a doctor.
Donna Moss: Are you a doctor?
Josh Lyman: No.
Donna Moss: Then be quiet.

Stanley Keworth: [Prompting him] Josh.
Josh Lyman: I was fine.
Stanley Keworth: [Not believing] Josh.
Josh Lyman: It was the Bach, G Major.
Stanley Keworth: That's a nice piece.
Josh Lyman: It is.
Stanley Keworth: Did he play it well?
Josh Lyman: It's Yo-Yo Ma.
Stanley Keworth: I've never heard him in person.
Josh Lyman: It's really... It's really quite something.

Stanley Keworth: [Josh is realizing music makes him relive the shooting] What happened then?
Josh Lyman: I couldn't make it stop...
[cut to scene of Josh starting to have an episode]
Josh Lyman: I couldn't make it stop...

Josh Lyman: Why would the music have started it?
Stanley Keworth: Well, I know it's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes, but at this moment, in your head, music is the same thing as...
Josh Lyman: sirens. So that's going to be my reaction every time I hear music?
Stanley Keworth: No.
Josh Lyman: Why not?
Stanley Keworth: Because... we get better.

"The West Wing: Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc (#1.2)" (1999)
President Josiah Bartlet: 27 lawyers in the room. Anybody know "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh Lyman: Uh, uh, "post" - after, after hoc, "ergo" - therefore, "After hoc, therefore" something else hoc.
President Josiah Bartlet: Thank you. Next?
Josh Lyman: Well, if I had gotten more credit on the 443...
President Josiah Bartlet: Leo?
Leo McGarry: "After it therefore because of it."
President Josiah Bartlet: "After it therefore because of it." It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true.

C.J. Cregg: The point is, we got whomped in Texas.
Josh Lyman: We got whomped in Texas twice.

Sam Seaborn: Look, I really like her and she's not what's you think.
Josh Lyman: The only thing I know about her is, she's a call girl. Is she a call girl?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Josh Lyman: Then so far she's exactly what I think.

Donna Moss: What's going on?
Josh Lyman: Nothing.
Donna Moss: Really?
Josh Lyman: Yes.
Donna Moss: Are you lying?
Josh Lyman: Yes.
Donna Moss: So I should get out?
Josh Lyman: Yes.

Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.
Donna Moss: Morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
Donna Moss: It's going to be an unbearable day.

Josh Lyman: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.
C.J. Cregg: What's his problem?
Donna Moss: He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.
Toby Ziegler: We heard.

"The West Wing: The State Dinner (#1.7)" (1999)
Donna Moss: I'm not wild about this whole Indonesian business.
Josh Lyman: What's the problem?
Donna Moss: I've been doing some reading on my own.
Josh Lyman: Oh, I wish you wouldn't do that.
Donna Moss: Why?
Josh Lyman: Because you tend to call some bizarre factoid from a less-than-reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
Donna Moss: I do not.
Josh Lyman: Donna...
Donna Moss: I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
Josh Lyman: What?
Donna Moss: I read it.
Josh Lyman: They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
Donna Moss: They behead them.
Josh Lyman: Sorcerers.
Donna Moss: Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. With, you know... what's that thing that Death carries?
Josh Lyman: A scythe.
Donna Moss: They're doing it with a scythe.
Josh Lyman: Well, thanks for the head's up.
Donna Moss: I just thought you might like to know who's coming over for dinner.
Josh Lyman: You bet.

Leo McGarry: You got to work with Toby on the toast.
Toby Ziegler: Don't need him.
Leo McGarry: Yes, you do.
Sam Seaborn: It takes two people to write a toast?
Leo McGarry: The State Department is very particular about these toasts.
Josh Lyman: I'll assign someone from my office.
Mandy Hampton: I can do it.
Josh Lyman: No, you can't.
Mandy Hampton: Why not?
Josh Lyman: Because you're a political consultant and this is an actual, you know, thing.
Mandy Hampton: Leo, please tell Josh that I can play a role in issues and it's not going to be the end to this administration.
Josh Lyman: I don't think it will be the end of this administration, Leo. I think it's going to be the end of this republic.

Mandy Hampton: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
Josh Lyman: Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me.

[after the briefing about a state dinner]
C.J. Cregg: Man alive, do I love it when "In Style" magazine is issued press credentials.
Josh Lyman: Yeah.
C.J. Cregg: "Mirabella" needed to know what wine was being served with the fish course. So it's a good thing I went to school for 22 years.
Josh Lyman: What wine are we...?
C.J. Cregg: It's wine, you'll drink it.

Mandy Hampton: The FBI guy has been in there a couple of hours.
Josh Lyman: Yeah?
Mandy Hampton: You think it's a good sign?
Josh Lyman: I really don't know.
Mandy Hampton: I'm asking you what you think.
Josh Lyman: I... I don't have any thoughts on it one way or the other.
Mandy Hampton: Then what's happening with the Teamsters?
Josh Lyman: I don't know.
Mandy Hampton: Any news on the hurricane?
Josh Lyman: Not that I'm aware of.
Mandy Hampton: What is it you do here exactly?
Josh Lyman: It's never really been made clear to me.

Josh Lyman: Don't worry about it. Donna, call FEMA, use my name. When that doesn't work, use Leo's name.

"The West Wing: The War at Home (#2.14)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: I'm thinking about firing you.
Donna Moss: You've fired me twice already tonight. I'm impervious.
Josh Lyman: Among other things.

Sam Seaborn: She goes out with guys. Are you jealous?
Josh Lyman: No.
Sam Seaborn: See?
Josh Lyman: I don't get jealous.
Sam Seaborn: So?
Josh Lyman: I don't like it. And I usually do everything within my considerable capabilities to sabotage it.

Josh Lyman: Why are you asking me the question when you're gonna have the conversation all by yourself?

Donna Moss: Josh, how is this not a no-brainer?
Josh Lyman: Columbia?
Donna Moss: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: You say get 'em home?
Donna Moss: Of course I say get 'em home. Who doesn't say get 'em home? That should be the person that has to make the phone call to the families.
Josh Lyman: And who has to call the families of the nine commandos who just died trying to save five guys it turns out we could have freed six hours ago?

Josh Lyman: Five-day waiting period. That's all. A person can't wait five days to buy a gun? Someone needs a gun right now, right this second, isn't that something that the public should be concerned about?
Donna Moss: On the other hand, taking the feelings of gun owners into account, if you gotta shoot somebody, it probably isn't something that can wait.
Josh Lyman: Yeah.

Josh Lyman: I'm on hold.
Josh Lyman: I'm on hold.
[slams phone against desk]
Josh Lyman: I'm in some kind of hellish hold world of holding.
Donna Moss: Josh?
Josh Lyman: I'm on hold.
Donna Moss: They'll call us and tell us when the power's back on.
Josh Lyman: They did call us.
Donna Moss: What happened?
Josh Lyman: I'm on hold.

"The West Wing: The Crackpots and These Women (#1.5)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: [explaining why he cannot accept the NSC evacuation card] I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye.

[the Senior Staff are playing a pick-up basketball game with the President]
Josh Lyman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this?
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm making a substitution.
Toby Ziegler: Who is this guy?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.
Toby Ziegler: A ringer, perhaps?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant is a federal employee.
[Mr. Grant is played by real-life NBA forward Juwan Howard]
Toby Ziegler: You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.
President Josiah Bartlet: I beg your pardon?
Josh Lyman: Toby's got a point there, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: When have I ever cheated?
Toby Ziegler: Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American consulate in Vienna.
President Josiah Bartlet: And she did.
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

Josh Lyman: Right. Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local Gomers that you see in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job?
[Donna doesn't give him a stack of papers he needs]
Donna Moss: Excuse me.
Josh Lyman: You work hard at your job.
Donna Moss: How hard?
Josh Lyman: Very hard.
Donna Moss: And I am?
Josh Lyman: Not at all controlling.

Donna Moss: [about a meeting Josh has with National Security] What do you think it's about?
Josh Lyman: I don't know, but this is the White House, so it's probably not that important.

C.J. Cregg: Josh!
Josh Lyman: Yes ma'am?
C.J. Cregg: There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
Josh Lyman: What's it about?
C.J. Cregg: Smallpox.
Josh Lyman: The disease?
C.J. Cregg: No, the dessert topping Josh. Yes, the disease.

"The West Wing: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: Look, I already took Leo's morning beating. What do you want from me?
Toby Ziegler: I want you to keep your job.
Josh Lyman: How?
Toby Ziegler: I'm gonna make a suggestion, which might help you out, but I don't want this gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you.
Josh Lyman: I understand.

[discussing a large group of Cubans currently floating from Havana to Miami on rafts]
Leo McGarry: How many are there?
Josh Lyman: We don't know.
Leo McGarry: What time exactly did they leave?
Josh Lyman: We don't know.
Leo McGarry: Do we know when they get here?
Josh Lyman: No.
Leo McGarry: True or false: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I'd be as informed as I am right now.
Josh Lyman: That's true.
Leo McGarry: The Intelligence budget's money well spent.

Josh Lyman: Lady, the god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud.

[Josh's first line]
Josh Lyman: Yeah, this is Josh Lyman. What's going on?

John Van Dyke: The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."
Toby Ziegler: No it doesn't.
Josh Lyman: Toby...
Toby Ziegler: It doesn't!
Josh Lyman: Listen...
Toby Ziegler: No! If I'm going to make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're going to get the names of the damn commandments right.
Mary Marsh: Okay. Here we go.
Toby Ziegler: "Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment.
John Van Dyke: Then what's the First Commandment?
President Josiah Bartlet: "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me." Boy, those were the days, huh?

"The West Wing: In Excelsis Deo (#1.10)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers. We don't need your cooperation, Laurie. One of your guys wrote you a check, and the IRS works for me. And anyway, I don't feel like standing here, taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
Sam Seaborn: Josh...

Donna Moss: I prepared a list.
Josh Lyman: Of Christmas gift suggestions?
Donna Moss: Yes.
Josh Lyman: [reading from the list] Ski pants, ski boots, ski hat, ski goggles, ski gloves, ski poles. I'm assuming you already have skis?

Josh Lyman: Where are you going?
President Josiah Bartlet: To a place called "Rare books." You know what they sell?
Josh Lyman: Fishing tackle?

Josh Lyman: Here's one.
Mandy Hampton: One what?
Josh Lyman: A book which, if I was stuck with it on a desert island, I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James Capen Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.

Leo McGarry: You saw Sam's friend?
Sam Seaborn: How did you know?
Leo McGarry: I had you tailed.
Josh Lyman: You had us tailed?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Why did you have us tailed?
Leo McGarry: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look.

"The West Wing: Galileo (#2.9)" (2000)
Leo McGarry: The Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee has a...
Josh Lyman: There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Josh Lyman: Made up of members of the "There But For the Grace of God Go I" club.
Leo McGarry: You wanna mock people or you wanna let me talk to Toby?
Josh Lyman: I wanna mock people.

Leo McGarry: What are you smiling at?
Josh Lyman: Nothing, I just... Toby got the stamp assignment.
Toby Ziegler: Leo, I might need some help.
Leo McGarry: Take Josh.
Toby Ziegler: Thanks. Congratulations, you're choosing the next stamp.
Josh Lyman: Wow, that happened fast.

C.J. Cregg: So that leaves us with the televised classroom, the green beans...
Josh Lyman: [under his breath] The stamp.
C.J. Cregg: ...the stamp, and - depending on who those people were that were standing near me - the possibility of a story about me being good in bed.
Toby Ziegler: Good in bed.
C.J. Cregg: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: Why?
C.J. Cregg: [emphatically] Because I am.
Toby Ziegler: Okay.

[Of the Mars probe ship Galileo]
Toby Ziegler: They know it was on course traveling at a rate of 15,400 miles per hour, which it was supposed to. Somewhere during its descent it was also supposed to release two probes - each about the size of a basketball - firing them deep into the ground as part of the mission's search for evidence of water under surface.
Josh Lyman: We think if we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it to the center of the planet and find water?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?

Josh Lyman: Leo, ask me how long a Martian day is.
Leo McGarry: No, I don't think I will.

"The West Wing: Mandatory Minimums (#1.20)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: Senator, take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass.

Josh Lyman: I'd like to clear up that I don't have suits for days of the week. This is just a regular suit.
Sam Seaborn: It's a nice suit.
Donna Moss: Sure it's a nice suit, it's his Joey Lucas suit.
Josh Lyman: Donna!
Donna Moss: I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles.
Leo McGarry: I am beginning to regret having hired any of you! We have a 42% job approval and you're talking about waffles and something with Josh I don't understand.
Donna Moss: He's wearing a special suit for Joey Lucas.
Leo McGarry: You got dressed up for a guy named Joey?

Josh Lyman: Hi Senator, why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass.
Josh Lyman: [tossing phone to Donna] Turns out I was fine.

Bonnie: [as Josh enters the bullpen, people applaud] Rambo!
Josh Lyman: You talkin' to me?
Bonnie: Nice phone call.
Josh Lyman: That's how we do things in New England my friend!
Bonnie: In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.
Ginger: In New Jersey, we encourage it

Josh Lyman: You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather when Pacino tells James Caan that he's going to kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene only not really.

"The West Wing: Inauguration: Part 2 - Over There (#4.15)" (2003)
Josh Lyman: I'm not talking about fighting two wars at once. I'm not talking about fighting wars. Intervening when there's violence against people who are defenseless...
Toby Ziegler: Fine, but if we go here, that means they can go there. And look, there's more injustice over there.
Josh Lyman: We elect these people. And not for nothing, but if we'd been the world's policeman in the thirties, you and I...
Toby Ziegler: We'd have had a lot more relatives.

Danny Concannon: Where is she?
Josh Lyman: Donna?
Danny Concannon: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: She's sitting in her apartment in a ball gown.
Danny Concannon: Waiting for a ball to come over?

Josh Lyman: It's good cop, bad cop. I'm the good cop. The four of you are the bad cop. Will, what are you?
Will: The bad cop.
Josh Lyman: Danny, what are you?
Danny Concannon: The bad cop.
Josh Lyman: Toby, what are you?
Toby Ziegler: Hurry up.
Josh Lyman: Charlie, who are you?
Charlie Young: I love Zoey and I must have her back.
Josh Lyman: The bad cop, that's right.
Will: [to Charlie] That's great news about Zoey. I didn't meet her but I bet she's nice.
Charlie Young: Not really, but my love for her knows no bounds.
Danny Concannon: Charlie, aren't you cold without a coat?
Charlie Young: I took off my coat to show my love for Zoey.
Danny Concannon: Wow.
Charlie Young: I'd take off my shirt too, but it's inappropriate with a tuxedo.
Danny Concannon: Not if we were at Chippendale's.

Josh Lyman: Hey, what did I say about speaking to me without addressing me as 'Wild Thing'?

"The West Wing: Shibboleth (#2.8)" (2000)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's 'cause every time we come up on a holiday you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
Toby Ziegler: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam Seaborn: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby Ziegler: Nobody here has checked out.
Josh Lyman: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row it came up tails.

Josh Lyman: This is a whole new thing.

Josh Lyman: Excuse me, Mr. President, what are you going to ask the Chinese refugee?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'm going to ask him to say "Shibboleth."

Josh Lyman: [Josh and Sam enter the oval office] You've heard?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: About the Chinese refugees?
Josh Lyman: They escaped.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I know, can you believe it?
Josh Lyman: No. As a matter of fact neither one of us can believe it, sir.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: That detention center was being guarded by the 22nd Division of the California National Guard. Now what does it say about our reserve army?
Sam Seaborn: That 83 men, women, and children, who haven't eaten in two months, staged a prison break?

"The West Wing: The Women of Qumar (#3.9)" (2001)
Donna Moss: Josh?
Josh Lyman: Could I get *five* minutes without being interrupted by banality?
Abbey Bartlet: It's not banality, it's the boss's wife.
Josh Lyman: Good morning, ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Good morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: A little heads up wouldn't be out of line.
Donna Moss: I said "Josh."

Josh Lyman: Amy Gardner's always irate about something. I wouldn't give it a lot of thought.
Abbey Bartlet: I happen to agree with her.
Josh Lyman: Me too, and I think it deserves a lot of thought.

Josh Lyman: So I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah? How'd it go?
Josh Lyman: Well, I showed her who's boss.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Who'd it turn out to be?
Josh Lyman: It's still unclear.

Josh Lyman: The more countries who sign the treaty, the more effective it is.
Amy Gardner: The more toothless a treaty is, the more toothless it is.
Josh Lyman: That's a permeating syllogism, to be sure.

"The West Wing: Enemies (#1.8)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states, I was just hoping he'd start with Delaware.

Josh Lyman: You're quite a nerd, Mr. President.
President Josiah Bartlet: Really?
Josh Lyman: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: I assume that was said with all due respect?
Josh Lyman: Yes, sir.

Mandy Hampton: I can put a best face on it, Josh. It's what I do.
Josh Lyman: You can put a best face on a turnpike collision, Mandy.

President Josiah Bartlet: [the President is telling an unenthusiastic Josh about National Parks] Shenandoah National Park. Right here in Virginia. We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah. I can even act as the guide. What do you think?
Josh Lyman: [audibly but under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.
President Josiah Bartlet: What was that?
Josh Lyman: Did I say that out loud?
President Josiah Bartlet: See? And I was going to let you go home.
Josh Lyman: But instead?
President Josiah Bartlet: We're going to talk about Yosemite.

"The West Wing: The West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael (#3.1)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: [on what to do with terrorists] I'd put 'em in a small cell and make them watch home movies of the birthdays and baptisms and weddings of every single person they killed over and over everyday for the rest of their lives. And then they'd get punched in the mouth every night at bedtime.

Josh Lyman: I'm going to be here six presidents from now, in my office, Wile E. Coyote and a map.

Josh Lyman: You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy.

Josh Lyman: You're juniors and seniors. In honor of the SATs you're about to take, answer the following question:
[writing on dry eraseboard]
Josh Lyman: Islamic extremist is to Islamic as "blank" is to Christianity.

"The West Wing: Debate Camp (#4.5)" (2002)
President Josiah Bartlet: [practicing for a debate] I don't support racial profiling.
Sam Seaborn: [playing the part of a debate challenger] Your nominee for Attorney General did. Can you tell us why you nominated him?
President Josiah Bartlet: Why?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: 'Cause bite me, that's why.
C.J. Cregg: It's a legitimate question.
President Josiah Bartlet: It's been almost four years, Sam. How long do you want to say "I told you so?"
Josh Lyman: He wasn't saying "I told you so," sir. We need an answer on Rooker.
President Josiah Bartlet: What's wrong with "Bite me"?
Josh Lyman: I think we'd lose.
Toby Ziegler: Not in New Jersey.

Josh Lyman: You're asking me to do that which I don't want to do, right?

Josh Lyman: I should be sitting at my desk right now. Do I have a desk yet?
Donna Moss: No.
Josh Lyman: Okay. Then I'll just... walk around some more... see if I can get into a pick-up meeting.

Josh Lyman: Why don't you just do your job as a man and get that nice girl pregnant?

"The West Wing: Mr. Willis of Ohio (#1.6)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: The President's daughter, Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?

C.J. Cregg: Why Josh, you've... you've swept me off my feet.
Josh Lyman: Whatever.

Congressman Gladman: I thought we were here to talk about the census.
Josh Lyman: We are. The White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you are criminals and despots.

[Donna and Josh are discussing what should be done with the budget surplus]
Donna Moss: What's wrong with me getting my money back?
Josh Lyman: You won't spend it right.
Donna Moss: What do you mean?
Josh Lyman: Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everybody else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow Social Security. What do you want to do with it?
Donna Moss: Buy a DVD player.
Josh Lyman: See?
Donna Moss: But my $700 is helping employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of a market economy.
Josh Lyman: The problem is the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.
Donna Moss: I'll buy an American one.
Josh Lyman: We don't trust you.
Donna Moss: Why not?
Josh Lyman: We're Democrats.
Donna Moss: I want my money back.
Josh Lyman: You shouldn't have voted for us.

"The West Wing: Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics (#1.21)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: C.J. started the briefing already?
Donna Moss: A half-hour ago.
Josh Lyman: The briefing's not supposed to start till 11:00.
Donna Moss: Guess what?
Josh Lyman: My watch sucks?
Donna Moss: Yes, indeed.

Josh Lyman: My watch says ten to seven.
Donna Moss: That's cause your watch sucks.
Josh Lyman: My watch is fine.
Donna Moss: Your watch says ten to seven.
Josh Lyman: How do we know it isn't ten to seven?
Donna Moss: Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the US Navy say your watch sucks. In fact they say your watch sucks in four different time zones.

Josh Lyman: When I get back, you're gonna argue with me and we're gonna argue about the things I wanna argue about and you're gonna do your best not to annoy me too much.
Joey Lucas: It's almost hard to believe you're not married.
Josh Lyman: Oh ho! Many have tried.

"The West Wing: Bartlet's Third State of the Union (#2.13)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: You need anything?
Josh Lyman: A lightning bolt, a key, and a kite.

Josh Lyman: Joey? Can I ask you what may be a silly question?
Joey Lucas: Sure.
Josh Lyman: It's not possible, is it, for us to just open up one of these computers with a screwdriver and get the numbers that are in there, right?
Joey Lucas: Why did you think that'd be a silly question?

Donna Moss: You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sideways and hope she breaks up with you soon, the way you always do.
Josh Lyman: Why not?
Donna Moss: Because you can't!
Josh Lyman: You just said I always do.
Donna Moss: Josh, I can help you or I can not help you. It's up to you.
Josh Lyman: Then I absolutely choose not helping me.
Donna Moss: You want me to ask her out for you?
Josh Lyman: Yeah. That's exactly what I want you to do.
Donna Moss: [Joey walks in] Joey...
Josh Lyman: Sit down.

"The West Wing: The Warfare of Genghis Khan (#5.13)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: Hey, you want to hear something cool? Voyager I just crossed the termination shock eight billion miles away. First human-made object to leave the solar system.
Donna Moss: Funny, I'm going through a little termination shock myself.
Josh Lyman: What?
Donna Moss: Suddenly this consuming interest in space just because some NASA administrator batted eyes at you?
Josh Lyman: You hate that I'm interested in this.
Donna Moss: What was your first hint?
Josh Lyman: That's perfect. Sit down. Sit. I need to play out an argument.
Josh Lyman: Everyone hates us.
Donna Moss: Inspiring start.
Josh Lyman: We're the most dominant nation on earth. But too often the face of our economic superiority is a corporate imperialism, our technological dominance shown by Smart bombs and Predator drones. We could do something else. Something generous and uplifting for all humankind. We could send the first representatives from Earth, to walk on another planet. We could land people on Mars. Needs work.
Donna Moss: Needs something.
Josh Lyman: Yeah, that inspiration thing.
Josh Lyman: Voyager, in case it's ever encountered by extra-terrestrials, s carrying photos of life on Earth, greetings in 55 languages and a collection of music from Gregorian chants to Chuck Berry. Including "Dark Was The Night, Cold Was The Ground" by '20s bluesman Blind Willie Johnson, whose stepmother blinded him when he was seven by throwing lye in is his eyes after his father had beat her for being with another man. He died, penniless, of pneumonia after sleeping bundled in wet newspapers in the ruins of his house that burned down. But his music just left the solar system.
Donna Moss: Okay, that got me.

Alex Moreau: Everything, every atom in our bodies, comes from exploding stars. I guess Joni Mitchell was right: "We are stardust."
Josh Lyman: Or, put another way, nuclear waste.

Leo McGarry: My generation never got the future it was promised... Thirty-five years later, cars, air travel is exactly the same. We don't even have the Concorde anymore. Technology stopped.
Josh Lyman: The personal computer...
Leo McGarry: A more efficient delivery system for gossip and pornography? Where's my jet pack, my colonies on the Moon?

"The West Wing: Third-Day Story (#6.3)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: [Josh is looking at cakes through the glass] It's like a torture chamber designed by renegade Keebler elves.

Greg Brock: Who's the new White House Chief of Staff?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You know so much, you tell me?
Greg Brock: I'm hearing Will Bailey.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Then you should have your hearing checked.
Greg Brock: Had a one-on-one with the President yesterday. First time all year. Knows the military, which Josh and Toby don't.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: First of all it's Leo. Second, Josh and Toby know every inch of the government: military, industrial, animal, mineral.
Greg Brock: Lots of folks can manage down, Will's proven he can manage up. A fully fledged adult.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Again, it's Leo. But Josh and Toby are both adult, responsible, highly intelligent...
[Josh walks in addressing CJ]
Josh Lyman: You can throw me in a vat of custard with a chocolate-covered snorkel.
Josh Lyman: [shouts] It's gonna be you and me this weekend baby, and you are wearing a floppy hat!

Toby Ziegler: Look, we're in the middle of an intersection without a traffic cop. If we want, we can run things through me.
Josh Lyman: If we want?
Toby Ziegler: I'm talking about a process.
Josh Lyman: And if we want to sacrifice livestock in your name?
Toby Ziegler: Fine. A decision-making tree.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: How about you be the Communications director, you be the Deputy Chief of Staff; we can use the old barn for a stage.

"The West Wing: Election Night (#4.7)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: He wrote a concession speech.
Josh Lyman: Of course he wrote a concession speech. Why wouldn't he? What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?
Sam Seaborn: The wrath from high atop the thing.
Toby Ziegler: He upped and said we were gonna...
Josh Lyman: No, you got to go outside, turn around three times and curse.
Toby Ziegler: Spit.
Josh Lyman: Spit and curse.
Toby Ziegler: Do everything. Go!
Josh Lyman: Go!
Toby Ziegler: Go!
Josh Lyman: Go!
Toby Ziegler: Go!
[Sam gets up and leaves the room]

Josh Lyman: You didn't ticket split, you voted for every Republican in Wisconsin. I would check. You may have voted for McCarthy.

Josh Lyman: I got it. I read it. It was good stuff. It's possible the salient details escape me.

"The West Wing: The Portland Trip (#2.7)" (2000)
Leo McGarry: My divorce papers came today. She thinks I'm going to drink.
Josh Lyman: Sounds like a pretty good reason to.
Leo McGarry: I'm an alcoholic. I don't need a good reason to.

Josh Lyman: Did you steal that dress?
Donna Moss: I bought this dress.
Josh Lyman: But you're returning it tomorrow.
Donna Moss: Yes, I am.
Josh Lyman: That's stealing.
Donna Moss: I'm giving it back.
Josh Lyman: After wearing it once.
Donna Moss: There's a word for this.
Josh Lyman: It's "stealing".
Donna Moss: I'm a girl on a budget, Josh. I'm being thrifty.
Josh Lyman: And felonious.

Congressman Skinner: You know I never understood why you gun control people don't all join the NRA. They've got two million members. You bring three million to the next meeting, call a vote. All those in favor of tossing guns... bam! Move on.
Josh Lyman: It's a heck of a strategy, Matt. I'll bring that up at a meeting.

"The West Wing: In This White House (#2.4)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: No. You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me.
Toby Ziegler: No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying - I'm doing all three at the same time.

Josh Lyman: Toby, come quick. Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Toby Ziegler: Ginger, get the popcorn.

Josh Lyman: You look familiar to me. You're Aimsley Hayes.
Ainsley Hayes: Ainsley. With an "n".
Sam Seaborn: She works here now.
Josh Lyman: What?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her.
Josh Lyman: What are you talking about?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her. He told me and C.J., he was waiting to tell you and Toby.
Josh Lyman: What was he waiting for?

"The West Wing: Jefferson Lives (#5.3)" (2003)
Will Bailey: Diane Frost is a serious name.
Josh Lyman: Diane is a serious loon of the left.
Toby Ziegler: I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh Lyman: You like him?
Toby Ziegler: Berryhill? I'm over the moon. This is my over-the-moon face.

"The West Wing: Take Out the Trash Day (#1.13)" (2000)
Donna Moss: What's take out the trash day?
Josh Lyman: Friday.
Donna Moss: I mean, what is it?
Josh Lyman: Any stories we have to give the press that we're not wild about, we give all in a lump on Friday.
Donna Moss: Why do you do it in a lump?
Josh Lyman: Instead of one at a time?
Donna Moss: I'd think you'd want to spread them out.
Josh Lyman: They've got X column inches to fill, right? They're going to fill them no matter what.
Donna Moss: Yes.
Donna Moss: So if we give them one story, that story's X column inches.
Josh Lyman: And if we give them five stories...
Josh Lyman: They're a fifth the size.
Donna Moss: Why do you do it on Friday?
Josh Lyman: Because no one reads the paper on Saturday.
Donna Moss: You guys are real populists, aren't you?

Josh Lyman: [Josh has just handed CJ a report on sex ed] By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple things every girl should know.

"The West Wing: In the Room (#6.8)" (2004)
Penn Jillette: What if we burned a flag, not in protest, but in celebration of the very freedoms that allow us to burn a flag - the freedoms that everyone who has ever worked in this magnificent building has pledged to preserve and protect?
Josh Lyman: [taken aback] Did you go to law school?
Penn Jillette: No, clown school.

[Penn & Teller have just performed a special "vanish" at Zoey's birthday party]
Toby Ziegler: Did they just burn an American flag in the White House?
Josh Lyman: Uh-huh.

"The West Wing: Disaster Relief (#5.6)" (2003)
Leo McGarry: Anything new on Carrick?
Josh Lyman: Yeah. He's a Republican.
Leo McGarry: Newer?

Leo McGarry: Nobody's happy you lost Carrick, but we're all about moving forward, and we can't do that without you. I do, however, have to take you out to the woodshed and whack you with a 2x4.
Josh Lyman: Carrick was never really a Democrat. Word is he was working the Republicans...
[Leo leans back in his chair in disinterest]
Josh Lyman: I'm sorry. Whack away.
Leo McGarry: [sitting up straight] Maybe the camel's back was already broken, but you gave him the straw. And then you drove over him with a tank.

"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 2 (#3.3)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: It's true, sir. America does not want Dr. Kevorkian to lead the country. We've got polling data on that.

Douglas Wegland: I'm from Oregon. In Oregon we like to see a man stand up and say he's sorry. Where are you from?
Toby Ziegler: Me?
Douglas Wegland: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: I'm from the United States of suck my...
Josh Lyman: All right! Let's take lunch.
Douglas Wegland: Republicans talk about how arrogant you guys are. I always thought it was the natural reaction that comes to not getting the girl. I can't believe how much they've been low-balling it.

"The West Wing: Ways and Means (#3.4)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: So, listen, there's a fire in Yellowstone Park.
Josh Lyman: Well, put it out.
Sam Seaborn: Technically, I'm not a professional firefighter, though there was a time I wanted to be.
Josh Lyman: When?
Sam Seaborn: When I was four.
Josh Lyman: When I was four, I wanted to be a ballerina.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah?
Josh Lyman: I don't like to talk about it.
Sam Seaborn: Ballerina?
Josh Lyman: I'd kinda like that not to get around.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah. No chance of that.
President Josiah Bartlet: [Later, that same day] Josh?
Josh Lyman: Yes, sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: A ballerina?
Josh Lyman: Yeah, I didn't... I didn't know what it was at the time. I liked the word.
President Josiah Bartlet: We'll go with that for now.

Josh Lyman: Can I ask you something?
Donna Moss: I had a plan.
Josh Lyman: When you say, "in one of these boxes..."?
Donna Moss: I had a plan. Each box is numbered. There's a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box.
Josh Lyman: Well, where's the piece of paper?
Josh Lyman: It's in one of these boxes.
Donna Moss: I had a plan. I grew up on a farm.
Josh Lyman: You grew up in a condo.
Donna Moss: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute, and I was peppy, and I always did well on my nineteenth-century English literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime.
Josh Lyman: Hey, I'm not the...
Donna Moss: White-collar crime boy. You know what they do to a girl like me on that cell block? I've seen those movies.
Josh Lyman: Yeah, me, too.
Donna Moss: I'll bet you have.
Josh Lyman: Look...
Donna Moss: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
Josh Lyman: Hey, seriously, you need to sleep for a while.
Donna Moss: I can't yet. 'Cause in one of these boxes are Fed Ex receipts and mail-room records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff, and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it's in!
Josh Lyman: I'll be in the office.
Donna Moss: Your office is down a corridor, about two hundred feet from here. Try not to commit any felonies on the way.
Josh Lyman: I'll do my best.
Donna Moss: Yeah.
[Josh leaves the room]
Sam Seaborn: Josh?
Josh Lyman: Donna's like, two, three days away from unspooling. It's pretty fun to watch...

"The West Wing: Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail (#2.16)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: In my day, we knew how to protest.
C.J. Cregg: What day was that?
Toby Ziegler: 1968.
Josh Lyman: How the hell old were you when you were protesting?
Toby Ziegler: My sisters took me.
Toby Ziegler: Anybody got a problem with that?

Leo McGarry: Andrew Jackson in the main foyer of the White House had a two-ton block of cheese.
Josh Lyman: And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe.

"The West Wing: The Indians in the Lobby (#3.8)" (2001)
[about a kid who shot his teacher]
Josh Lyman: His parents, who are in custody, Fed-Exed him to Rome, which is in Italy.
Sam Seaborn: Are you kidding me?
Josh Lyman: No, it's really in Italy.

Josh Lyman: Don't go through the lobby.
Sam Seaborn: Why?
Josh Lyman: Indians in the lobby.
Sam Seaborn: Is that code?
Josh Lyman: No. There are Indians in the lobby.

"The West Wing: The Stackhouse Filibuster (#2.17)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: You want to do this?
Sam Seaborn: Absolutely.
Josh Lyman: Why?
Sam Seaborn: 'Cause it's insane. We got over 3,000 reports from federal agencies last year. Agriculture spent $40 million producing 280 reports. Four years of college, three years of law school, I spent 30 bucks at Kinko's. Gimme the thing.

Sen. Howard Stackhouse: In these negotiations about a bill aimed at health issues affecting children we've allocated funds for Alzheimers, glaucoma, and erectile dysfunction.
Josh Lyman: Sir
Sen. Howard Stackhouse: You know a lot of two-year-olds afflicted with that horrific condition, do you?

"The West Wing: Five Votes Down (#1.4)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: You know, I'm so sick of Congress, I could vomit.

Sam Seaborn: Where you going?
Josh Lyman: Where *you* going?
Sam Seaborn: I was following you.
Josh Lyman: I was following you.
[awkward pause]
Josh Lyman: All right... don't tell anyone this happened, okay?
Sam Seaborn: Yeah.

"The West Wing: 20 Hours in America: Part I (#4.1)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: [on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm sleeping for a few hours right now so you can leave a message, or if you really need me you can shout into the machine, and I'll wake up.
Josh Lyman: SAM!

Josh Lyman: Whoa, hey, danger Will Robinson.

"The West Wing: Lord John Marbury (#1.11)" (2000)
Mandy Hampton: We're going to look good in California.
Josh Lyman: I'm going to look pale.
Mandy Hampton: I meant the President.

Claypool: your investigation, did you find any evidence of staff drug use?
Josh Lyman: No.
Claypool: I'd like to remind you that you're under oath.
Sam Seaborn: And I'd like to remind you that that's the seventh time that you've reminded him since he sat down.

"The West Wing: Let Bartlet Be Bartlet (#1.19)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

Donna Moss: Two commissioners just resigned?
Josh Lyman: At the same time.
Donna Moss: How many times has that happened?
Josh Lyman: Including this time?
Donna Moss: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: Once.

"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part I (#2.1)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: If I see the real thing in Nashua, should I tell you about it?
Sam Seaborn: You won't have to.
Josh Lyman: Why?
Sam Seaborn: You've got a pretty bad poker face.

Josh Lyman: Leo, the-the Democrats aren't gonna nominate another liberal, academic former governor from New England. I mean, we're dumb, but we're not that dumb.
Leo McGarry: Nah-I think we're exactly that dumb.

"The West Wing: Election Day: Part 2 (#7.17)" (2006)
Josh Lyman: [Josh and Donna have rushed to the hospital to find out about Leo] Hey
Annabeth Schott: [Breaking down crying] ... He died, Josh.

Josh Lyman: [Josh is in Leo's hotel room, blaming himself, while the rest of the staff is partying upstairs] I talked him into this.
Donna Moss: Nobody ever talked Leo into doing something he didn't want to do. And he'd want you upstairs. Not down here. You belong up there. It's your night. He was so proud of you, Josh.

"The West Wing: The White House Pro-Am (#1.17)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: You like winning, don't you?
Toby Ziegler: Saves you from having to say the word "please".

Josh Lyman: This - right here - this is why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.
Toby Ziegler: I've cultivated that reputation.
Josh Lyman: Could I get you to try harder in there?
Toby Ziegler: Sure, 'cause right now I'm not trying at all.

"The West Wing: 17 People (#2.18)" (2001)
Ainsley Hayes: Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers at your desk?
Josh Lyman: I did! Me. Those are from me.
Ainsley Hayes: What's the occasion?
Donna Moss: Nothing.
Josh Lyman: Our anniversary.
Donna Moss: Our *not* anniversary.
Josh Lyman: Donna doesn't like to talk about it.
Donna Moss: I really don't.
Ainsley Hayes: Okay.
Sam Seaborn: A few years ago Donna's boyfriend broke up with her so she started working for Josh but then the boyfriend told her to come back and she did and then they broke up and she came back to work...
Donna Moss: [Donna gestures at Sam in exasperation]
Sam Seaborn: I thought you meant YOU didn't want to talk about it. I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.

Josh Lyman: I'm just sayin' if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
Donna Moss: [stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.

"The West Wing: Arctic Radar (#4.10)" (2002)
Josh Lyman: [about Navy pilot Vicky Hilton] I guess also, the thing is, that she isn't just any pilot. She's like Jackie Robinson - she's busted a lot of barriers. She's the first woman at Miramar, first woman to fly the F-14 Tomcat - she teaches on an F-14. I guess, at this point I don't have to give you her resume.
Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: No, but could you tell me more about Jackie Robinson and breaking barriers?

Donna Moss: You have to go back.
Josh Lyman: Why?
Donna Moss: 'Cause he's gonna think I'm flaky.
Josh Lyman: Maybe, but he's not gonna care.
Donna Moss: Why not?
Josh Lyman: Guys'll go out with anybody.

"The West Wing: A Proportional Response (#1.3)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: You know what, C.J.? I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista... Wow, that was way too far.
C.J. Cregg: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass.
Josh Lyman: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J. Cregg: I'm a whole new woman.

Josh Lyman: Toby's right - what's the good of being in power if you can't haul your enemies in for questioning?

"The West Wing: The Supremes (#5.17)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: Obviously we're impressed with your record.
Toby Ziegler: Your work on the 14th Amendment in particular is the stuff that dreams were made of.
Josh Lyman: But before anything else, we want to gauge your interest level, this would certainly be a lifestyle...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: We can just chat.
Josh Lyman: I'm sorry?
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: I hear you really went to bat for Erick Hayden.
Josh Lyman: I wish we could have gotten him confirmed
Toby Ziegler: Judge Lang, if the president...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: Is he still teaching?
Josh Lyman: Erick? Yeah. Um, again, if we...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: The conservative anchor of the Court has just died, a young, brilliant thinker, who brought the right out of the closet and championed a whole conservative revival. You cannot replace Owen Brady with a woman who overturned a parental consent law, you'd be shishkababed and set aflame on the South Lawn. Two reporters, three reporters have walked by since we started. I'm window dressing, that's fine. I'm happy to help, but let's just chat about the weather.

Josh Lyman: Hopefully the two of them woo the pants off the President, and he agrees to the deal without noticing he's standing in the gaze of history, pantless.

"The West Wing: The California 47th (#4.16)" (2003)
Deborah Fiderer: Mr. President?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mrs. Hottentot?
Deborah Fiderer: Toby and Charlie...
President Josiah Bartlet: Yeah, where are they?
Deborah Fiderer: They're being held.
President Josiah Bartlet: What do you mean?
Deborah Fiderer: Toby and Charlie are under arrest. There was an incident at a bar.
President Josiah Bartlet: They're under arrest?
Deborah Fiderer: Yes sir
President Josiah Bartlet: Did they rob the bar?
Deborah Fiderer: No, sir. A patron was jostling Congresswoman Wyatt and Toby tried to get him to step back, and the man slipped on the floor. And then the man's friend lunged for Toby.
President Josiah Bartlet: Uh-huh. And what did Charlie do?
Deborah Fiderer: He hit him.
Josh Lyman: Sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Toby and Charlie were arrested in a bar fight.
Josh Lyman: Yes, sir, it's not going to be a problem. C.J.'s taking care of it.
President Josiah Bartlet: Really?
Josh Lyman: It's going to be a little bit of a problem.
President Josiah Bartlet: Everytime we come to Southern California we are absolutely the Clampetts.

President Josiah Bartlet: I'm not an economist, but no, wait, I AM an economist. So, their plan will do what, C.J.?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Explode the...
President Josiah Bartlet: [cutting her off] Explode the deficit. Will it stimulate the economy, Josh?
Josh Lyman: It'll stimulate the Swiss economy.
President Josiah Bartlet: Josh gets extra points for being funny and right at the same time.

"The West Wing: The Short List (#1.9)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: [after a press conference that claimed 1 out of 3 White House staffers takes drugs] Five White House staffers in the room... I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share.

Josh Lyman: You're Leo McGarry. You're not going to be taken down by this small fraction of a man. I won't permit it.

"The West Wing: The Drop In (#2.12)" (2001)
President Josiah Bartlet: [following the appointment of Marbury to be the British Ambassador to the United States] What made you agree to take the post?
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: I don't know, I suppose it's possible I was drunk.
Josh Lyman: Reasonable bet.

Josh Lyman: You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?
President Josiah Bartlet: It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.
Josh Lyman: I know, I feel like they're missing an important voice.

"The West Wing: Evidence of Things Not Seen (#4.20)" (2003)
Josh Lyman: If you're a Republican, you damn well better look like Ainsley Hayes.

Joe Quincy: You know, I though I heard what sounded like gunshots when we were talking before, but I didn't.
Joe Quincy: Did you hear the shots?
Josh Lyman: No, but I heard a brass quintet playing "The First Noel," so I just assumed somebody somewhere was locked and loaded.
Joe Quincy: You know, not for nothing, but the people I talk to don't believe that story, and the people you'd like don't care.

"The West Wing: Take This Sabbath Day (#1.14)" (2000)
Mandy Hampton: Who was the last President to commute the sentence?
Josh Lyman: Lincoln.
Mandy Hampton: Abraham?
Josh Lyman: No, Bert Lincoln.

Josephine "Joey" Lucas: I want to speak to the President!
Josh Lyman: Hey, lunatic lady, trust me when I tell you there is absolutely no way that you are going to see the president.
President Josiah Bartlet: [the President walks through the door] Hey, Josh.
Josh Lyman: Hello, Mr. President. Welcome back.
President Josiah Bartlet: How are you?
Josh Lyman: Well, I'd like this day to be over pretty bad.

"The West Wing: Inauguration: Part 1 (#4.14)" (2003)
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Some of which have my name on them. So tell Jeff Tomlison and Baby Bob to take a deep knee bend, would you? I'm just as big a cotton candy ass as they are.
Josh Lyman: Yes, sir.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: You're just going to let that hang in the air?
Josh Lyman: Of course not, sir. You're a much bigger cotton candy ass than they are.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Damn right.

"The West Wing: Twenty Five (#4.23)" (2003)
Donna Moss: Do you know how many faxes we've gotten and do you know how many of them are from your insane groupies? "The Lyman Ho's have chosen this time to let you know via fax, should you be needing any physical comfort during this horrible time..." Read that. Do you like that? Is that what turns you on, you sicky?
Josh Lyman: I didn't write this.
Donna Moss: Yeah, but they must sense it in you.
Josh Lyman: What are the others?
Donna Moss: I just picked them up. It's gonna be more thoughts and prayers, good wishes...
Josh Lyman: That's nice.
Donna Moss: ...and bus station skanks.

"The West Wing: The Midterms (#2.3)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
Toby Ziegler: God bless America.

"The West Wing: What Kind of Day Has It Been (#1.22)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: Donna, did you get me a meeting with the Vice President?
Donna Moss: I did, but you're not gonna be happy.
Josh Lyman: Jogging?
Donna Moss: Yes.
Josh Lyman: We couldn't really, this time, just sit in chairs?
Donna Moss: Jogging at 2:00. It's the only time he could fit you in.
Josh Lyman: Okay, order me some boiled chicken and some pasta. Nothing like a meeting you have to carb up for.

"The West Wing: Constituency of One (#5.5)" (2003)
Josh Lyman: Tell him there's no such thing as as free launch!

"The West Wing: The Mommy Problem (#7.2)" (2005)
Joey Lucas: All this attention on the leak story, it's magnifying the inevitable "Mommy Problem."
Ronna: Mommy Problem?
Josh Lyman: When voters want a national daddy: someone to be tough and strong and defend the country, they vote Republican...
Josh Lyman: When they want a mommy: someone to give them jobs, health care - the policy equivalent of motzah ball soup, they vote Democratic.

"The West Wing: Full Disclosure (#5.15)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: He's going to make the book the final word on the scandal, hold his wife's hand on 'Oprah' and catch the next flight to Iowa.

"The West Wing: The Dover Test (#6.6)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: You're too good at this. You can't just walk away.
Matthew Santos: Watch me.

"The West Wing: Angel Maintenance (#4.19)" (2003)
Josh Lyman: Stopping all bipartisan legislation is like saying, "Let's blow up the place. Maybe voters will hire us to rebuild it."

"The West Wing: He Shall, from Time to Time... (#1.12)" (2000)
President Josiah Bartlet: What do you think, Josh?
Josh Lyman: I make it a point never to disagree with Toby when he's right, Mr. President.

"The West Wing: Dead Irish Writers (#3.16)" (2002)
Josh Lyman: You went over my head and you did it behind my back.
Amy Gardner: Quite the contortionist am I.

"The West Wing: Running Mates (#7.10)" (2006)
Josh Lyman: Okay, forget what I was saying. I want you to get out there and lower expectations now.
Louise Thornton: Beyond what they are?
Josh Lyman: Lower than low! Go for low! Hades low! Spinning iron core in the planet low! Low!

"The West Wing: Bad Moon Rising (#2.19)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: You just lurk there in the shadows, like...
Donna Moss: Whatever.
Josh Lyman: What are you doing?
Donna Moss: I'm doing things, things with paper.

"The West Wing: Tomorrow (#7.22)" (2006)
[at his desk in the Oval Office, Santos is giving orders to his staff, but stops when he sees Josh's wide smile]
President Matthew Santos: What?
Josh Lyman: You look good back there.

"The West Wing: Election Day: Part 1 (#7.16)" (2006)
Ronna: [Josh is in a hotel lobby and has just learned that some coworkers are sleeping together] You might have had an easier year of it if you had "come on board". 6 tomorrow morning right?
[Ronna goes to the bar and kisses a female associate]
Josh Lyman: Wow, Cindy? Did you know that?
Donna Moss: About Ronna and Cindy?
Josh Lyman: Any of them?
Donna Moss: Yes.
Josh Lyman: Which one?
Donna Moss: All of them.
Josh Lyman: Wow. Did you ever "come on board"?
Donna Moss: [seductively] No.
Josh Lyman: Never at a campaign thing?
Donna Moss: No.
[walks over and sits next to Josh]
Josh Lyman: You want another drink?
Donna Moss: No.
[she stands up and walks toward the elevator. Josh picks up his drink, swallows in one sip than sets it down to follow]

"The West Wing: On the Day Before (#3.5)" (2001)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: You know what we're starting with tonight?
Josh Lyman: No, sir.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Josh Lyman: Was anything you just said food?

"The West Wing: Holy Night (#4.11)" (2002)
Josh Lyman: I just need to tell you this. Come here. Sorry, come here.
Toby Ziegler: Josh...
Josh Lyman: Come here. All right, it was desperation. It wasn't out of a desire to do evil. He had a young family and he barely spoke the language. He went to jail. He went to jail and you went to school, and it was all a half century ago. Look what he did in two generations. What room did you just walk out of?
Toby Ziegler: I appreciate that that's what you think. Do I get to think what I think?
Josh Lyman: No, you don't, cause you don't know what I know.
Toby Ziegler: What?
Josh Lyman: That I would give anything to have a living father who was a felon, or a sister with a past... That's it.

"The West Wing: Gone Quiet (#3.7)" (2001)
C.J. Cregg: The majority leader got the question last night.
Josh Lyman: Yeah?
Josh Lyman: ... and just kept on diggin'.
Josh Lyman: [reading from transcript] "with the greatest technology of any people of any country in the world, along with the greatest, not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people, and I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically."
C.J. Cregg: Yes.
Josh Lyman: It's the "basically" that makes it art.

"The West Wing: 2162 Votes (#6.22)" (2005)
Josh Lyman: Where in the name of all that is holy is Pennsylvania?

"The West Wing: 7A WF 83429 (#5.1)" (2003)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Danny Concannon is doing a story alleging we assassinated Abdul Sheriff.
Glenallen Walken: How are his sources?
Leo McGarry: He's got it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He's looking for a comment
Glenallen Walken: I suppose throwing him in leg irons and locking him in the basement of the Capitol wouldn't do any good.
Leo McGarry: We shouldn't comment, sir, not while Zoey Bartlett is missing.
Steve Atwood: No, we need to get out in front of it, release it before it breaks in the Post.
Toby Ziegler: Release what? That we violated The Neutrality Act to covertly assassinate an official of a friendly government?
Steve Atwood: He must not have been too friendly if you decided to shoot him.
Will Bailey: Sir, acknowledging the assassination destroys a century's worth of progress towards international law.
Steve Atwood: You guys didn't think about that before you did it?
Josh Lyman: It wasn't supposed to become public.
Steve Atwood: Yeah well you tried that before. How did it work out on MS?

"The West Wing: Gaza (#5.21)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: What's Up?
C.J. Cregg: An Explosion in Gaza. The CODEL. Fatalities.
Josh Lyman: What about Donna?
Josh Lyman: It Just Happened, That's all I know.

"The West Wing: Six Meetings Before Lunch (#1.18)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: A panda's what I think it is, right?
Donna Moss: Yes.
Josh Lyman: Little Australian thing, eats the bark off the koala tree?
Donna Moss: That's a koala bear I believe you're describing.
Josh Lyman: The panda's the other one?
Donna Moss: Josh, how can you not know the difference between a panda bear and a koala bear?

"The West Wing: 20 Hours in L.A. (#1.16)" (2000)
[the staff is waiting for the President's meeting to end]
Josh Lyman: How's he doing in there?
Sam Seaborn: He's got that look on his face like he's thinking about ways to kill himself.

"The West Wing: H. Con-172 (#3.11)" (2002)
Josh Lyman: I studied a lot in school. I studied hard in high school and at Harvard and in law school. My IQ doesn't break the bank and I wanted to do this so I studied all the time. And I missed something or it's like I skipped a year 'cause I never learned what you do after you think you like somebody - what you do next. And every- everybody did learn... a lot of other people, anyway. I didn't walk out tonight. When my phone rings at eleven o'clock it's important- not important to me- important. And I'm not puffing myself so- so that you're...
Amy Gardner: [Interrupting] You know what? Maybe not so much for you with the talking.
[She kisses him]

"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part II (#2.2)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: [Josh's father has died] At least his friends and neighbors will be spared the all the, you know...
President Josiah Bartlet: He'd have been doing some bragging right now?
Josh Lyman: Yeah. Your name wouldn't have come up, by the way. "My son won the Illinois primary."

"The West Wing: Transition (#7.19)" (2006)
Louise Thornton: Rough day?
Josh Lyman: Nuh, typical.
Louise Thornton: You love it, you live for it, you were born to do it, I'm the same way. Everybody tells me to get a life, although I don't know why... I find life to be terribly overrated. It's actually quite boring when it's not disappointing. Say what you will about what we do, but boring it is not.
Josh Lyman: I know that you can parlay the Santos win into a doubling of your fee.
Louise Thornton: Tripling, if it figures into your memoirs.
Josh Lyman: Nothing is going to top this. Everything else's going to be a letdown.
Louise Thornton: Letdowns that make me semi-rich, that's a tradeoff I'm willing to endure.
Josh Lyman: You don't care about money.
Louise Thornton: Who doesn't?
Josh Lyman: You!
Louise Thornton: Not as such.
Josh Lyman: As what?
Louise Thornton: Scorekeeping. Quantitative evidence that I'm smarter than you. Not *you*.
Josh Lyman: Who?
Louise Thornton: Everybody else.
Josh Lyman: Come on board as communications director.
Louise Thornton: Thank you, but no.
Josh Lyman: Finish what you started.
Louise Thornton: I'm not interested in governing.
Josh Lyman: Campaigning's about promise; governing's about achievement. It's, it's tougher and a lot less romantic, but it's not boring. I already think you're smarter than everyone, that's why I want you down the hall. Come on, it's not like getting a life!
Louise Thornton: That's true, look at you.

"The West Wing: The Benign Prerogative (#5.11)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: If you wanna throw light on how minimums and guidelines conspire to produce disproportionate punishments...
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: ... and worse: leave judges impotent! Our judicial system is predicated on an individual's right to a fair trial. But how individual is that process, if a 258 box grid seales your fate before you ever step foot in front of a judge, a FEDERAL judge, that my office has invested considerable effort in selecting, who is then constrained from exercising basic common sense, while twenty-nine year old prosecutors, who make their bones on their win-loss record hold the only discretion in the whole system?

"The West Wing: Separation of Powers (#5.7)" (2003)
Angela Blake: Another continuing resolution 'til Christmas is done.
Josh Lyman: You gotta be kidding you let it drag on that long they'll try to de-fund the Yule Log.

"The West Wing: Impact Winter (#6.9)" (2004)
Matthew Santos: I'm not running for Congress again, Josh. Now, you came a long way, I'm sorry about that. But it's just...
Josh Lyman: I'm not talking about Congress.

"The West Wing: The U.S. Poet Laureate (#3.17)" (2002)
[C.J. is mad at Josh for posting to the message board of a Josh Lyman fan web site]
C.J. Cregg: If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass... What?
Josh Lyman: Well... technically, I outrank you.

"The West Wing: War Crimes (#3.6)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: Why?
Sam Seaborn: Why?
Josh Lyman: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Because this country is populated with unbalanced people. Many of whom find their way to Washington. As if the continent funnels them into this one spot.
Josh Lyman: He wants to abolish the penny?
Sam Seaborn: He doesn't want to abolish it, as much as he wants to give his boss a reason why we can't.
Josh Lyman: Well, it's stupid.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but the thing is... it isn't really.
Josh Lyman: Really?
Sam Seaborn: It turns out the majority of pennies don't circulate. They go in jars and sock drawers. Two-thirds of the pennies produced in the last 30 years have dropped out of circulation.
Josh Lyman: You've been reading about this?
Sam Seaborn: It's interesting.
Josh Lyman: No, it's not.
Sam Seaborn: The Mint gets letters with pennies taped on notebook paper. Letters from citizens who found the pennies on the street and mailed them back to the Treasury to help pay down the debt.
Josh Lyman: It's almost hard to believe that plan hasn't worked.
Sam Seaborn: It's also bad for the environment. Production requires the mining of millions of tons of copper and zinc each year.
Josh Lyman: Zinc?
Sam Seaborn: In 1982, they changed the composition to 97.5% zinc and only 2.5% copper.
Josh Lyman: Sam?
Sam Seaborn: I'm turning into one of the funnel people.

"The West Wing: Two Weeks Out (#7.14)" (2006)
Louise Thornton: [Santos has lost his briefcase] There's nothing bad in there?
Josh Lyman: Like?
Louise Thornton: I don't know, heroin, porn?
Josh Lyman: No. That's all mine.

"The West Wing: The Lame Duck Congress (#2.6)" (2000)
Leo McGarry: Can you keep your people in line?
Josh Lyman: Well, there's been no evidence of it so far.

"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 1 (#3.2)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: I said to you, I said this. I said, "Do you want food?"
Donna Moss: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: And you said, "No, I don't want any food."
Donna Moss: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: And now you're eating my food!
Donna Moss: I kind of think you'd have learned that by now.
Josh Lyman: Are you eating the rest of the sandwich?
Donna Moss: Are you?

"The West Wing: Requiem (#7.18)" (2006)
[Josh disapproves of Santos's choice for Speaker of the House]
Josh Lyman: As Chief of Staff, my job is to keep you from making political mistakes. And this one's a whopper.