Abbey Bartlet
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Quotes for
Abbey Bartlet (Character)
from "The West Wing" (1999)

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"The West Wing: Dead Irish Writers (#3.16)" (2002)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Look, obviously we knew that this was going to be a thing, but it doesn't have to be tonight, right?
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: No, absolutely not. I shall take it up with Gerald.
Abbey Bartlet: Who's Gerald?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'm pretty sure he means Leo.
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Hmm. Oh, do you have a new Chief of Staff?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: No.
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Well, then Gerald it is!

Abbey Bartlet: Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak - far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which is 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak: Far from the things of man." What a jackass.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I'm gonna open the wine.
Abbey Bartlet: The wine is a '95 Old Vine zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Boudouin of Belgium, and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase, "My husband's an enormous jackass!"

Abbey Bartlet: Where have you been all night?
Donna Moss: Well, it's a little tough to explain, ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron?
Donna Moss: It turns out I'm not an American citizen, so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What?
Donna Moss: I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't, 'cause INS just clarified the border and it's now in Manitoba.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You're not an American?
Donna Moss: Missed it by four miles.
Amy Gardner: You seem pretty calm about it.
Donna Moss: No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen! We don't do that.

Abbey Bartlet: Claudia Jean?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, ma'am?
Abbey Bartlet: Let's get drunk.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [surprised] Oh, okay.
[Abbey walks off. C.J. follows]

[Canadian National Anthem is playing with two Canadian flags raised in front of the party]
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: [yells] What the hell is going on?
Abbey Bartlet: Shh.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I was gone for 45 minutes. They were all Americans when I left.
Donna Moss: I know exactly how you feel, Mr. President.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: [Lord Marbury is drunk] Abigail, may I grasp your breasts?
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm standing right here!
Abbey Bartlet: You may kiss my cheek.

[British Ambassador Lord John Marbury joins the President and First Lady at her birthday gala celebration]
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Abigail!
President Josiah Bartlet: Now it's a party.
Abbey Bartlet: Oh. Yes, your lordship.
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Your breasts are magnificent.
Abbey Bartlet: Oh. Um... thank you, John.
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: May I inquire, Mr. President - the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts?
Abbey Bartlet: It was.
President Josiah Bartlet: You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: My god. Really?
President Josiah Bartlet: Yeah.

"The West Wing: And It's Surely to Their Credit (#2.5)" (2000)
President Josiah Bartlet: You know what I did, just then, that was stupid? I minimized the importance of the statue that was dedicated to Nellie Bly, an extraordinary woman to whom we all owe a great deal.
Abbey Bartlet: You don't know who she is, do you?
President Josiah Bartlet: [to himself] This isn't happening to me.
Abbey Bartlet: She pioneered investigative journalism.
President Josiah Bartlet: Then she's the one I want to beat the crap out of.
Abbey Bartlet: She risked her life by having herself committed to a mental institution for ten days so she could write about it. She changed entirely the way we treat the mentally ill in this country.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes. Abigail...
Abbey Bartlet: In 1890, she traveled around the world in 72 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes and 14 seconds, besting by more than one week, Jules Verne's 80 days.
President Josiah Bartlet: She sounds like an incredible woman, Abbey. I'm particularly impressed that she beat a fictional record. If she goes down 21,000 leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her! Let's have sex.
Abbey Bartlet: When it comes to historical figures being memorialized in this country, women have been largely overlooked. Nellie Bly is just the tip of the iceberg.
President Josiah Bartlet: I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg right now.
Abbey Bartlet: Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American woman to be awarded an MD. She founded the Women's Medical College...
President Josiah Bartlet: Keep talking. I'm just gonna sit here and think about plutonium and the things I can do with it.

Abbey Bartlet: Just give him a message for me, would you?
Charlie Young: Sure.
Abbey Bartlet: You'll want to write this down.
Charlie Young: Yes, ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Your blood pressure is 120/80.
Charlie Young: How did you know that, ma'am?
Abbey Bartlet: I'm saying his blood pressure.
Charlie Young: Ah... is 120/80.
Abbey Bartlet: Yeah. Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.
Charlie Young: Okay.
Abbey Bartlet: No evidence of ischemic changes.
Charlie Young: How are we spelling...?
Abbey Bartlet: Doesn't matter. Your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits. Chest x-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine.
Charlie Young: Okay.
Abbey Bartlet: So, we can have sex now.

[the President and the First Lady can finally have sex after a long time; they are in the Oval office]
Abbey Bartlet: BP 120 over 80.
President Josiah Bartlet: Who cares? It's been 14 weeks. Do these curtains close?
Abbey Bartlet: Not here, Jed.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes. You're right... where?
Abbey Bartlet: How about our bedroom?
President Josiah Bartlet: New Hampshire is an hour and a half by plane. I don't have that kind of time.
Abbey Bartlet: How about our bedroom in the residence?
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes. We have a bedroom right here in the building. That was so smart.
Abbey Bartlet: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: Let's go.
Abbey Bartlet: Jed.
President Josiah Bartlet: What?
Abbey Bartlet: Korea? Plutonium?
President Josiah Bartlet: Oh God... I hate plutonium.

President Josiah Bartlet: Take your clothes off.
Abbey Bartlet: Whatever happened to romance? A couple of cocktails, Mel Torme...
President Josiah Bartlet: Get 'em off.
Abbey Bartlet: Okay, I'm going to the bathroom.

"The West Wing: The State Dinner (#1.7)" (1999)
Abbey Bartlet: You have a big brain, a good heart and an ego the size of Montana. You do, Jed.

[Abbey's first line of the series]
Abbey Bartlet: C.J.!

C.J. Cregg: I spoke to Peggy about the vermeil - you might get a few questions.
Abbey Bartlet: I'm not embarrassed by the vermeil. It's not as if we spent new money on it.
C.J. Cregg: Yes, but its history...
Abbey Bartlet: It's our history. Better or worse, it's our history. We're not going to lock it in the basement or brush it with a new coat of paint. It's our history.
C.J. Cregg: Well, good answer.
Abbey Bartlet: Well, the truth'll do it almost every time.

Abbey Bartlet: You are thoroughly charming.

"The West Wing: The White House Pro-Am (#1.17)" (2000)
Abbey Bartlet: What was the problem with the interview?
Sam Seaborn: There was no problem with the interview. Except it looked like you discovered there was a child labor problem because a fourteen-year-old boy named Jeffrey just told you about it this morning.
Abbey Bartlet: I do not believe that is true.
Sam Seaborn: And I do not believe exercise is going to make me any healthier, but I didn't go to medical school. You did. You say so and I go to the gym.

President Josiah Bartlet: Well, you put me in a bit of a spot there, Abigail. I name Ron Erlich now, which I was going to do anyway, and it makes it look like I'm taking instructions from my wife!
Abbey Bartlet: Still it was wrong!
President Josiah Bartlet: Are you talking about you or me?
Abbey Bartlet: I'm talking about you. I'm talking about you sending people to me, and I'll tell you what else I'm talking about. I'm talking about you waiting a day to name a new Fed Chair, because thirty years ago the new Fed Chair was my boyfriend for six months.
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm talking about sending me messages through the press, and staking out agendas on morning shows. We are not going to be these people, Abbey. I'm not gonna do it! I'll walk up to the Hill right now, and I will give the Speaker of the House my resignation.
Abbey Bartlet: The House isn't in session.
President Josiah Bartlet: You want to see me get on the phone and put it in session?
Abbey Bartlet: Don't raise your voice to me.
President Josiah Bartlet: It was nine months, Abbey, not six months. And I waited a day on Skippy, because the Fed Chair is a fairly important position, and I wanted to make damn sure my decision was right.
Abbey Bartlet: You already made your decision!
President Josiah Bartlet: How the hell do you know?
Abbey Bartlet: You just said so. "I name Ron Erlich now, which I was gonna do anyway, it looks like I'm taking instructions... from... my... wife!"
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes.
Abbey Bartlet: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes.

Abbey Bartlet: We're thoroughly professional.
Sam Seaborn: No, ma'am, I don't think you are.
Abbey Bartlet: I beg your pardon?

Abbey Bartlet: Okay. So just ease up on the high ground.
President Josiah Bartlet: On that point I concede the high ground.
Abbey Bartlet: And I concede I was wrong about the thing.
President Josiah Bartlet: Good.
Abbey Bartlet: However...
President Josiah Bartlet: No. No "however". Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.

"The West Wing: Bartlet's Third State of the Union (#2.13)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: You kicked off your re-election campaign and I'm sitting here eating a sandwich 'cause we had a deal.

Abbey Bartlet: I don't want to be pissed at anyone, but thanks for asking. And I don't need to be told who the architect of tonight's speech was.

Abbey Bartlet: Jed, you know what? I'm not your mommy.

"The West Wing: Inauguration: Part 2 - Over There (#4.15)" (2003)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I walked to school every morning in weather colder than this.
Abbey Bartlet: From the headmaster's house to your classroom.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: That's right, baby. Just a camel hair coat, leather gloves, a varsity scarf, and these wits.

President Josiah Bartlet: [trying to wake up his wife] Abbey... Abigail... Abbey, the kids are eating sugar.
Abbey Bartlet: Uh...
[wakes up]
Abbey Bartlet: Oh!
President Josiah Bartlet: How you doing? You know I gave the kids candy all the time, right?
Abbey Bartlet: Behind my back?
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes.
Abbey Bartlet: You bought their love.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, it was for sale, and I wanted it.

Abbey Bartlet: [the President has decided to change the Use of Force Doctrine after watching a Laurel & Hardy movie] Because of Laurel and Hardy?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Not because, no. Not *because* of Laurel and Hardy. That was simply the confluence of the final... you know, and also, by the way, from the mouths of babes... like yourself... Seriously, from the mouths of babes and clowns comes... Listen, there's no reason why anyone needs to know about Laurel and Hardy.
Abbey Bartlet: Sounds like that's going to depend a lot on my general mood.

"The West Wing: He Shall, from Time to Time... (#1.12)" (2000)
President Josiah Bartlet: I could jump you right now.
Abbey Bartlet: I could kill you right now.
President Josiah Bartlet: My thing's more fun.

Abbey Bartlet: [POTUS didn't call Abbey when he collapsed because he had to go to the situation room to deal with Pakistan and India] I don't care if Canada invaded Michigan, Jed. You call me.

[Abigail Bartlet is examining her husband]
President Josiah Bartlet: Here's the thing, though: I never really saw you study while you were in med school.
Abbey Bartlet: Deep breath.
President Josiah Bartlet: Do you even know what you're listening for right now?
Abbey Bartlet: Do you know how many other people I could have married?

"The West Wing: The War at Home (#2.14)" (2001)
President Josiah Bartlet: We didn't get a chance to talk again last night.
Abbey Bartlet: I don't think we should.
President Josiah Bartlet: Talk?
Abbey Bartlet: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Ever?
Abbey Bartlet: Oh, if wishing made it so, Jed.

Abbey Bartlet: We had a deal!
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Yes, we had a deal.
Abbey Bartlet: Yes, Jed. Look at me! Do you get that you have M.S.?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Abbey...
Abbey Bartlet: Do you get that your own immune system is shredding your brain? And I can't tell you why. Do you have any idea how good a doctor I am and that I can't tell you why?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I've had one episode in two years.
Abbey Bartlet: Yes, but relapsing-remitting M.S. can turn into secondary-progressive M.S. oftentimes ten years after the initial diagnosis which is exactly where we'll be in two years! Do you know what that's going to look like if it happens?

Abbey Bartlet: Memory lapses, loss of cognitive function, failure to reason, failure to think clearly. And I can't tell you if it's going to happen. I don't know if it's going to get better, I don't know if it's going to get worse. But we had a deal. And that deal is how you justified keeping it a secret from the world. It's how you justified it to God... It's how you justified it to me.

"The West Wing: 18th and Potomac (#2.21)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: Oh, Oliver. Do you know what peripheral neuropathy indicates?
Oliver Babish: No, but I don't really care that much.

Abbey Bartlet: You all right?
Sam Seaborn: Yes ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Sure you don't want some acetylsalicylic acid?... Aspirin, my brother.
Sam Seaborn: What a dumb major you had.

"The West Wing: The Women of Qumar (#3.9)" (2001)
Donna Moss: Josh?
Josh Lyman: Could I get *five* minutes without being interrupted by banality?
Abbey Bartlet: It's not banality, it's the boss's wife.
Josh Lyman: Good morning, ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Good morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: A little heads up wouldn't be out of line.
Donna Moss: I said "Josh."

Josh Lyman: Amy Gardner's always irate about something. I wouldn't give it a lot of thought.
Abbey Bartlet: I happen to agree with her.
Josh Lyman: Me too, and I think it deserves a lot of thought.

"The West Wing: Gone Quiet (#3.7)" (2001)
Oliver Babish: Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights and its scents and its touch, and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.
Abbey Bartlet: What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?
Oliver Babish: I hear you.

Abbey Bartlet: You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a human being, they're gonna kick you out of the bar.
Oliver Babish: I've been kicked out of bars before.
Abbey Bartlet: I meant...
Oliver Babish: I know what you meant.

"The West Wing: Process Stories (#4.8)" (2002)
Abbey Bartlet: Hon, is this, like, nerd hot talk?
President Josiah Bartlet: Who's your Commander-in-Chief?
Abbey Bartlet: You are.

Toby Ziegler: Is that caviar there?
Abbey Bartlet: Not really, no.

"The West Wing: Privateers (#4.18)" (2003)
Abbey Bartlet: So we're for freedom of speech everywhere but poor countries, where they can have our help, but only if they live up to Clancy Bangert's moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I really don't know, Abbey. The day hasn't started yet.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: German thinker Max Weber said that politics is the "slow boring of hard boards and that anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul". You know what that means?
Abbey Bartlet: I like how you think that patronizing me is going to make me feel better. It's sweet.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: It means that change comes in excruciating increments for those who want it. You're trying to move mountains. It takes lifetimes. But Zoey Bartlet is the newest Daughter of the American Revolution so I like our chances for the long run.

"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 2 (#3.3)" (2001)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there?
Abbey Bartlet: What?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'm just saying that it could be worse. I could have been an astronaut.
Abbey Bartlet: You could not have been an astronaut.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'd have been a great astronaut!
Abbey Bartlet: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire and small places!
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.
Abbey Bartlet: I know you would have.
Abbey Bartlet: There's something important I have to say.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Say it.
Abbey Bartlet: I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.

"The West Wing: Tomorrow (#7.22)" (2006)
[last lines]
Abbey Bartlet: What are you thinking about?
President Josiah Bartlet: Tomorrow.

"The West Wing: Game On (#4.6)" (2002)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: My daughters are here?
Abbey Bartlet: Are you kidding? Ellie's wearing makeup.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Well, I don't approve of that.
Abbey Bartlet: You understand she's 27, right?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I don't approve of that, either.

"The West Wing: The West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael (#3.1)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: I was very young when I had my kids. I was very, very, very, very young. I was barely even born yet when I had my oldest daughter, Elizabeth

"The West Wing: Bartlet for America (#3.10)" (2001)
Abbie Bartlet: Sam Seaborn's very funny.
President Josiah Bartlet: Which one's he?
Abbie Bartlet: The young one.
President Josiah Bartlet: They're all young.

"The West Wing: The Fall's Gonna Kill You (#2.20)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: I haven't come in here because it seems that every time I do there's a new White House Counsel. I think Leo keeps them in the basement like those two ladies in Arsenic and Old Lace.

"The West Wing: The Benign Prerogative (#5.11)" (2004)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: [trying to pick a necktie] Which one of these screams "dominance?"
Abbey Bartlet: Do I get to wear it afterwards?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: No comment.

"The West Wing: Abu el Banat (#5.9)" (2003)
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm not dwelling. I think it's fine. I think we should all spend Christmas at Liz's in-laws.
Abbey Bartlet: We're invited.
President Josiah Bartlet: Never again. I still have flashbacks

"The West Wing: War Crimes (#3.6)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: I'm going to the Residence. I'm taking a bath. I'm turning on Sinatra.
President Josiah Bartlet: How does Mrs. Sinatra feel about that?

"The West Wing: Commencement (#4.22)" (2003)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Look at you! There is no way you have three adult children.
Abbey Bartlet: You like the suit.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I do, but the neck... eh, it seems empty to me. Attention should be drawn to it.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: [whips out a jewelery box]
Abbey Bartlet: Ohhhh...
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Nice job with the, you know, raising of the kid.

"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 1 (#3.2)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: You missed it. It was incredible.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Look...
Abbey Bartlet: It was all over the news.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Abbey...
Abbey Bartlet: This crazy man got in front of millions of people and totally screwed his wife.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: That's funny, 'cause that's sort of what I did.