IMDb > Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg (Character) > Quotes

Edit Photo

Update Data

Quicklinks

Quotes for
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg (Character)
from "The West Wing" (1999)

ad feedback

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.

"The West Wing: Galileo (#2.9)" (2000)

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Yes, God forbid that while talking to 60,000 public school students the President should appear smart.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's fine. Just don't show off.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I don't show off. Stevie, 4th grader, P.S. 31 Manhattan, asks, "What is the temperature on Mars?" Well Stevie, if one of our expert panelists were here, they would tell you the average temperature ranges from 15 degrees to minus 140.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That happens to be wrong. It ranges from 60 to minus 225.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I converted it to Celsius in my head.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Where's Sam?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He's inside hiding from Mallory.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Why is he hiding from Mallory?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Do you really wanna know?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Not at all.

C.J. Cregg: We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand 'cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope and that it may turn up, but, in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in a room and you want them to start building Galileo 6. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care but for some, they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand. And that's the broader theme.

C.J. Cregg: Sam.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah?
C.J. Cregg: The President wants us to go to the concert tonight so we can discuss broader themes for the televised classroom.
Sam Seaborn: Great.
C.J. Cregg: Great?
Sam Seaborn: It should be about more than rocks and average rainfall.
C.J. Cregg: Oh, God, does it rain on Mars?
Sam Seaborn: No, but I'm saying...
C.J. Cregg: The White House should develop a broader theme.
Sam Seaborn: That's right. And I think it's incredible the President's asked the two of us. It's a privilege. And we should attack with energy due the moment...
C.J. Cregg: Mallory's gonna be there.
Sam Seaborn: I can't go.

C.J. Cregg: They said modern music. I thought, you know, that meant Jackson Browne.
Charlie Young: Jackson Browne is modern?
C.J. Cregg: [sighs] He used to be.

C.J. Cregg: This time of year, is the water in the Potomac very, very cold?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, but if you rub chicken fat all over yourself, it'll insulate.

C.J. Cregg: So that leaves us with the televised classroom, the green beans...
Josh Lyman: [under his breath] The stamp.
C.J. Cregg: ...the stamp, and - depending on who those people were that were standing near me - the possibility of a story about me being good in bed.
Toby Ziegler: Good in bed.
C.J. Cregg: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: Why?
C.J. Cregg: [emphatically] Because I am.
Toby Ziegler: Okay.

C.J. Cregg: Everybody's stupid in an election year, Charlie.
Charlie Young: No, everybody gets treated stupid in an election year, C.J.

"The West Wing: Institutional Memory (#7.21)" (2006)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Is it on page 600?
Fred: No.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Where is it?
Herb: There isn't any.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What do you mean there isn't any?
Fred: There's no...
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: The president said he wanted deficit reduction worked into this budget. I said it should be 50%. Was that not clear?
Herb: We thought it was along the lines of, "I'd like a pony".
Fred: Nobody actually expects to get the pony.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I want the pony.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You make it sound like I'm trying to avoid you.
Danny Concannon: I didn't say that.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't make booty calls.
Danny Concannon: You don't make any calls, kind of how it works out.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What?
Danny Concannon: You're elusive, part of the draw.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What made you think you should be making decisions about my career?
Danny Concannon: One, I'm not trying to make them, I'm trying to be part of a conversation about them and two, if we don't have that kind of relationship, what kind do we have?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't... I don't want to answer that question right now. We agreed to discuss this after the inauguration.
Danny Concannon: Not if you're working for Matt Santos we're not.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You know what -
Danny Concannon: First hundred days, agenda settings, first State of the Union, "talk to me after we release the budget," summit at Tashkent. What else?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't have time for this right now.
Danny Concannon: Yes you do. I called Margaret before I came by, I'm not a moron. I called and you have twenty minutes. Hell you have an hour. You're not the busiest girl in America. That's not your life anymore.... Look, I'm not trying to turn you into Doris Day. I know if we have a future together, I'd be Mr. C.J. Cregg, that's fine. But you don't even see me in the picture do you?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I missed the window. That's what's going on here. I... missed the window to figure out... how to do this.
Danny Concannon: How to...?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Share my life with another person, how to be a partner or whatever condescending way you put it this afternoon.
Danny Concannon: Oh, I wasn't trying -
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't know how to do it. Maybe at one point I did, maybe I never did, but it's over now. It's too late. This and skiing. It's too late, it's not going to happen.
Danny Concannon: C.J...
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You said yourself, it's not an accident that this hasn't come together. This is who I am. I'm good at my job, Danny, I'm good at working, I'm not good at this.
Danny Concannon: You're right, you suck at it. You're going to need a tremendous amount of training.

Danny Concannon: We're going to get good at new things.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You don't know that.
Danny Concannon: I do.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Don't make it sound like it's nothing.
Danny Concannon: You didn't miss it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What if I did?
Danny Concannon: You didn't miss it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What if we can't...
Danny Concannon: We'll figure it out. All of it. You can be scared. That's okay. But you're not going to walk away from me because you're scared. I'm not that scary.

"The West Wing: The Midterms (#2.3)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: I think you're Director of Operations and you're neglecting your responsibilities...
Toby Ziegler: That's crap.
C.J. Cregg: So you can behave like the director of the FBI.
Toby Ziegler: I'm waiting for the director of the FBI to behave that way. I'm waiting for the Justice Department to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for the White House to behave that way!
C.J. Cregg: You want to lock up everybody with a white sheet?
Toby Ziegler: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Who has a problem with that? Bring them to me right now. Yes, I do!

President Josiah Bartlet: And can you believe I'm on hold?
C.J. Cregg: You're not, sir. You finished the call.
President Josiah Bartlet: I did?
C.J. Cregg: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: How'd it go?
C.J. Cregg: Very well.

C.J. Cregg: You're pissed at me?
Toby Ziegler: I'm saying, I could've used your support in there.
C.J. Cregg: You get my support the same way I get yours: when I agree with what you're saying or when I don't care about what you're saying. This time I disagreed.

C.J. Cregg: Oh, Holy Interruptus, Batman!

"The West Wing: Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc (#1.2)" (1999)

C.J. Cregg: USA Today asks you why you didn't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's cause you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam Seaborn: It was "big hats".

C.J. Cregg: The point is, we got whomped in Texas.
Josh Lyman: We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J. Cregg: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
President Josiah Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. Are you sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
C.J. Cregg: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Me, neither.

Josh Lyman: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.
C.J. Cregg: What's his problem?
Donna Moss: He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.
Toby Ziegler: We heard.

"The West Wing: Shibboleth (#2.8)" (2000)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's 'cause every time we come up on a holiday you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
Toby Ziegler: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam Seaborn: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby Ziegler: Nobody here has checked out.
Josh Lyman: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row it came up tails.

C.J. Cregg: They sent me two turkeys. The more photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
President Josiah Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.

C.J. Cregg: In the following days we'll be meeting with the Reverend Al Caldwell, members of Beijing's embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings, so it's entirely possible that by week's end we will have alienated Christians, China and our own government.

Toby Ziegler: Listen, I don't know what you're doing for dinner tonight but Josh and Sam and I...
C.J. Cregg: It's about damn time you asked me! I've been sitting here for two weeks turning down all kinds of very, frankly, glamorous invitations from people I like a lot more than you! You can't ask a girl at the last minute...
Toby Ziegler: Well, if you can't come...
C.J. Cregg: No, I can come! I can come! I can come!
Toby Ziegler: Good.
C.J. Cregg: Should I bring anything?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah. Do you know how to, you know, cook food?

"The West Wing: Dead Irish Writers (#3.16)" (2002)

Abbey Bartlet: Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak - far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which is 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak: Far from the things of man." What a jackass.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I'm gonna open the wine.
Abbey Bartlet: The wine is a '95 Old Vine zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Boudouin of Belgium, and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase, "My husband's an enormous jackass!"

Abbey Bartlet: Where have you been all night?
Donna Moss: Well, it's a little tough to explain, ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron?
Donna Moss: It turns out I'm not an American citizen, so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What?
Donna Moss: I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't, 'cause INS just clarified the border and it's now in Manitoba.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You're not an American?
Donna Moss: Missed it by four miles.
Amy Gardner: You seem pretty calm about it.
Donna Moss: No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen! We don't do that.

Abbey Bartlet: Claudia Jean?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, ma'am?
Abbey Bartlet: Let's get drunk.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [surprised] Oh, okay.
[Abbey walks off. C.J. follows]

Sam Seaborn: I'm not an instigator.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, you are.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.

"The West Wing: Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail (#2.16)" (2001)

Toby Ziegler: In my day, we knew how to protest.
C.J. Cregg: What day was that?
Toby Ziegler: 1968.
Josh Lyman: How the hell old were you when you were protesting?
Toby Ziegler: My sisters took me.
[beat]
Toby Ziegler: Anybody got a problem with that?

Toby Ziegler: We had the underground. We had rapid response.
C.J. Cregg: And, by God, you were home by supper on a school night.

C.J. Cregg: No cameras.
Toby Ziegler: You negotiated that?
C.J. Cregg: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: And they agreed to it?
C.J. Cregg: You want to make out with me right now, don't you?
Toby Ziegler: Well, when don't I?

C.J. Cregg: Yeah, but you can't do that.
Dr. John Fallow: Why not?
C.J. Cregg: 'Cause it's freaking me out.

"The West Wing: We Killed Yamamoto (#3.21)" (2002)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: 'Cause I'm thinking if someone's coming for you they probably don't have a bulls-eye on them.
Agent Simon Donovan: They do if I'm guarding you.

Agent Simon Donovan: Are you going to your gym tonight?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What?
Agent Simon Donovan: Are you working out?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I thought you said "do you want to have gin tonight?".
Agent Simon Donovan: No
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I can't go to my gym. My gym's flooded.
Agent Simon Donovan: What about the White House gym?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: It closes at 7.
Agent Simon Donovan: You could use ours, its just a couple of blocks...
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Is it a good gym?
Agent Simon Donovan: Yes, its a...
[pauses in frustration]
Agent Simon Donovan: We run alongside moving cars.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You don't have to get snobby about it.
Agent Simon Donovan: Would you like to use our gym?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, thank you.
[She nods]
Agent Simon Donovan: Good Morning.
[He turns and goes]

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [after Simon has put 3 shots from his gun in the exact middle of a target] How do learn to shoot like that?
Agent Simon Donovan: They give us lessons.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: So, what have you got?
Agent Simon Donovan: Excuse me?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Marksmanship wise. What have you got?
Agent Simon Donovan: Well, I can fire a gun without falling down, if that's what you're asking.

"The West Wing: A Proportional Response (#1.3)" (1999)

Kathy: I'm sorry, Toby's not available to speak on the phone at the moment. No, Sam's not available either.
[to C. J]
Kathy: Why is no one available to speak on the phone?
C.J. Cregg: I don't know, they're all planning my surprise party.

Josh Lyman: You know what, C.J.? I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista... Wow, that was way too far.
C.J. Cregg: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass.
Josh Lyman: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J. Cregg: I'm a whole new woman.

C.J. Cregg: I don't care what it is, I care what it looks like.

C.J. Cregg: Hey do you know anything about a story going around about the Secret Service investigating Bertram Coles for threatening the life of the President?
Toby Ziegler: No.
C.J. Cregg: Maggie Greeenwald is quoting you as saying the Secret Service investigates all threats made against the President, and it's White House Policy not to comment.
Toby Ziegler: Yea.
C.J. Cregg: Did you say that?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah. Hey, you don't suppose that's how the story got started, do you? You know what, C.J., you tell Bert Coles that Toby Ziegler said there's a new sheriff in town.

"The West Wing: In This White House (#2.4)" (2000)

Reporter: Is the White House prepared to declare war on the drug companies?
C.J. Cregg: Well, it sounds like you already have, so if we need a button man, we'll call ya.

Toby Ziegler: A drug they gotta buy from us for four dollars a unit they can get generic in Pakistan for forty cents.
C.J. Cregg: That's not the only bargain in Pakistan, Toby. My girlfriends and I go for the spring fashions.
Toby Ziegler: It shows.

C.J. Cregg: I rode the life-cycle this morning for an hour and a half. If it was a real cycle I'd have been in Belgium by now.

C.J. Cregg: What can I bring into the room about the conference?
Sam Seaborn: The sessions are productive. Progress is being made. These kind of things take time. All the parties are optimistic.
C.J. Cregg: Are any of the parties optimistic?
Sam Seaborn: No.

"The West Wing: Celestial Navigation (#1.15)" (2000)

Josh Lyman: [C.J. appears with an obviously a swollen cheek] What the hell happened?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I had woot canaw.
Josh Lyman: What happened to your cheeks?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I had woot canaw.
Josh Lyman: Why are you talking like that?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I HAD WOOT CANAW!
Josh Lyman: [smiling] Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.

President Josiah Bartlet: Okay, before we go on - C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes sir.

C.J. Cregg: I'm experiencing some pain.
Sam Seaborn: For how long?
C.J. Cregg: About a month now, but it'll go away by itself.
Sam Seaborn: When?
C.J. Cregg: When I die, Sam.

"The West Wing: Inauguration: Part 2 - Over There (#4.14)" (2003)

Toby Ziegler: We're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's always what we're talking about. And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, then we're about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up.

Toby Ziegler: He's speaking in verse.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: A literary curse.

Leo McGarry: You know what the decision directives say? That diplomats and leaders aren't immune from being targets when they're connected to terrorist activities that threaten the U.S. or its citizens. I don't think it's an unusual directive.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That it was given hours before Shareef's plane disappeared. Just a reminder: The more I know, the more I can help you. And don't be concerned with my exposure. I'm not your daughter. I'm the White House Press Secretary.

"The West Wing: Ways and Means (#3.4)" (2001)

Bruno Gianelli: Man, you have got a killer body. Do you know that?
C.J. Cregg: In fact, I do.

Leo McGarry: What have you got?
C.J. Cregg: Nothing. You know why?
Leo McGarry: Rollins likes us.
C.J. Cregg: I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.
Leo McGarry: Well, that's just 'cause he doesn't know us.
C.J. Cregg: Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U. S. House of Representatives?
Leo McGarry: Well, they'll get around to it sooner or later.
C.J. Cregg: So let's make it sooner - let's make it now. Rollins is driving them crazy. He's moving too slow. He won't talk to the press. They're ready to jump. I swear to God, Leo, I think we can move the show.
Leo McGarry: You got a briefing now?
C.J. Cregg: Yeah.
Leo McGarry: Show me what you're starting with.
C.J. Cregg: Yeah.

C.J. Cregg: I want you to get with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
Ainsley Hayes: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
C.J. Cregg: Do you?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes.

"The West Wing: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)

Leo McGarry: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
C.J. Cregg: Leo.
Leo McGarry: They hang up on me every time.

C.J. Cregg: Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?
Leo McGarry: He hopes never to do it again.
C.J. Cregg: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
Leo McGarry: He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J., what do you want me - the President, while riding his bicycle, came to a sudden arboreal stop.

[C.J.'s first line]
C.J. Cregg: You can have a normal life. You'd be amazed at how normal I can be, See, it's all about budgeting your time. This time, this hour - this is my time. 5:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. I can work out, as you see. I can think about personal matters. I can... meet an interesting man. The trick is...
[C.J.'s pager goes off]

"The West Wing: The Women of Qumar (#3.9)" (2001)

Josh Lyman: So I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah? How'd it go?
Josh Lyman: Well, I showed her who's boss.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Who'd it turn out to be?
Josh Lyman: It's still unclear.

C.J. Cregg: They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men.
Nancy McNally: So what do you want me to do about it?
C.J. Cregg: How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the *right* people?
Nancy McNally: This is the real world and we can't isolate our enemies.
C.J. Cregg: I know about the real world and I'm not suggesting we isolate them.
Nancy McNally: You're suggesting we eliminate them
C.J. Cregg: I have a briefing...
Nancy McNally: You're suggesting that...
C.J. Cregg: I'm not suggesting anything. I don't suggest foreign policy around here.
Nancy McNally: You are right now.
C.J. Cregg: It's the 21st Century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point, either.
Nancy McNally: What's the point?
C.J. Cregg: The point is that apartheid was an East Hampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1's to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg!
Nancy McNally: [nods] It's a big world, C.J. And everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can.
C.J. Cregg: They're beating the women, Nancy.

C.J. Cregg: You know if I was living in Qumar I wouldn't be allowed to say 'shove it up your ass Toby.' But since I'm not, shove it up your ass Toby.

"The West Wing: Internal Displacement (#7.11)" (2006)

C.J. Cregg: I wanna do my job. I wanna suck every morsel of meat off this experience before it's over.
Danny Concannon: Just get something done, will ya?
C.J. Cregg: That'll come down to what it always comes down to.
Danny Concannon: What's that?
C.J. Cregg: How dirty do my feet have to get without disappearing into the mud in order to get an inch of what I really want done.

Danny Concannon: We're both about to fall off a cliff. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, except I know what I don't wanna do. And on Inauguration Day, you're going to be released from that glorious prison on Pennsylvania Avenue, with...
C.J. Cregg: No human skills?
Danny Concannon: Seems to me...
C.J. Cregg: I should punch you in the face.
Danny Concannon: That's what I'm talking about.
C.J. Cregg: Keep going...
Danny Concannon: So, if I'm gonna jump off the cliff, and you're gonna get pushed off the cliff, why don't we hold hands on the way down?

C.J. Cregg: Men are like salmon. Swimming upstream, hosing down the riverbed with their indiscriminate seed...
Danny Concannon: Indiscriminate seed?
C.J. Cregg: Until...
Danny Concannon: Did you just say "indiscriminate seed"?
C.J. Cregg: Until they die, bloated and spent, belly-up in the sun.
Danny Concannon: Oh, quit sweet-talkin' me, baby.
C.J. Cregg: Unless they get taken out with a bear paw in the waterfall, as they deserve to be.

"The West Wing: Enemies (#1.8)" (1999)

Mandy Hampton: You guys are idiots, did you know that?
C.J. Cregg: In our own defense, we actually do know that.

Mandy Hampton: Would you tell him that signing the bill and, thus, swallowing the bitter pill of strip mining would not foreclose a PR approach that would trumpet banking reforms while at the same time excoriating the special-interest strip-mining scam which, by the way, is what I am happy to call it. Tell him that.
C.J. Cregg: Toby, Mandy wants you to recommend to the President that we do it her way.
Toby Ziegler: Did you understand what she said?
C.J. Cregg: No, but she seemed pretty confident.

C.J. Cregg: First of all: you're wrong. Second of all: shut up. Third: I went to Hoynes with your thing and he said he wasn't the one who talked to you and I believe him and he's really pissed at me and he's right. And fourth:
[thinks what to say]
C.J. Cregg: shut up again.

"The West Wing: The State Dinner (#1.7)" (1999)

C.J. Cregg: When you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story?
Danny Concannon: No.
C.J. Cregg: Why are you doing it?
Danny Concannon: I'm doing it to flirt with you.

[after the briefing about a state dinner]
C.J. Cregg: Man alive, do I love it when "In Style" magazine is issued press credentials.
Josh Lyman: Yeah.
C.J. Cregg: "Mirabella" needed to know what wine was being served with the fish course. So it's a good thing I went to school for 22 years.
Josh Lyman: What wine are we...?
C.J. Cregg: It's wine, you'll drink it.

C.J. Cregg: I spoke to Peggy about the vermeil - you might get a few questions.
Abbey Bartlet: I'm not embarrassed by the vermeil. It's not as if we spent new money on it.
C.J. Cregg: Yes, but its history...
Abbey Bartlet: It's our history. Better or worse, it's our history. We're not going to lock it in the basement or brush it with a new coat of paint. It's our history.
C.J. Cregg: Well, good answer.
Abbey Bartlet: Well, the truth'll do it almost every time.

"The West Wing: Election Day: Part 2 (#7.17)" (2006)

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: [President Bartlet is on the phone with his wife when CJ walks in crying] When?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Just a few minutes ago. Donna just called me.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Thank you, CJ.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Mr. President.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: [picking the phone back up] Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I have some very bad news.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: It's odd, really, watching yourself being replaced on national television. Planned obsolescence. Presidents and mid sized family sedans.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, sir. Would you have run again if you could sir?
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I think Mrs. Bartlet would have had something to say about that, don't you?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Well the electorate can be very persuasive when they want something badly enough.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: In the service of two mistresses these last eight years has been my fate. Thank God for the 22nd Amendment, I'm spared that particular conversation with Abbey.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [CJ has just woken up President Bartlet] You wanted me to wake you when we had a result.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Do we have a winner?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [smiling] Yes, Sir. We do.

"The West Wing: The Short List (#1.9)" (1999)

C.J. Cregg: What are you holding?
Danny Concannon: It's a goldfish.
C.J. Cregg: Why?
Danny Concannon: It's for you.
C.J. Cregg: Really?
Danny Concannon: Josh said you liked goldfish.
C.J. Cregg: The crackers, Danny. The cheese things that you have at a party?
Danny Concannon: Ah. Well... you know what? I'm not a hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that.
C.J. Cregg: The crackers, Danny.
Danny Concannon: Well, fine. Now I got a goldfish.

C.J. Cregg: Set fire to the room. Do it now.

Danny Concannon: Is it gonna be Harrison?
C.J. Cregg: Why, why, oh why do you ask me questions that you absolutely positively know I'm not going to answer?
Danny Concannon: It's a good conversation starter.
C.J. Cregg: I can't go out on a date with you, Danny.

"The West Wing: Take Out the Trash Day (#1.13)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: The President will sign the bill with fifteen pens, and I guess someone on my staff wanted you to know that.
Danny Concannon: C.J.?
C.J. Cregg: Tell me you don't have a question about the pens.
Danny Concannon: C.J., I have a question about the pens.

C.J. Cregg: It eludes me.

"The West Wing: Enemies Foreign and Domestic (#3.19)" (2002)

[Discussing C.J.'s security detail]
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You can't come in the briefing room.
Agent Simon Donovan: A crowded room where anyone can get credentialed and you're up at the podium? No, I'm pretty sure I'll be there.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: This is what you meant by "I'm the boss?"
Agent Simon Donovan: Ah, yeah, I guess that's more of an honorary thing.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: You're going to get secret service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper; so sign this piece of paper.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Sir, can I ask why you feel it's necessary?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Because Ron says it is; and around here we do whatever Ron says.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: [C.J. continues to object to Secret Service protection, and President Bartlet interrupts] I don't care. I don't care. You're part of my family and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper. Let me tell you something: The last time a member of my staff got a death threat, they missed him and hit me.

"The West Wing: The Crackpots and These Women (#1.5)" (1999)

C.J. Cregg: Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero.

C.J. Cregg: Josh!
Josh Lyman: Yes ma'am?
C.J. Cregg: There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
Josh Lyman: What's it about?
C.J. Cregg: Smallpox.
Josh Lyman: The disease?
C.J. Cregg: No, the dessert topping Josh. Yes, the disease.

"The West Wing: Hartsfield's Landing (#3.15)" (2002)

[CJ and Charlie are discussing a copy of the President's private schedule - which she has hidden in retaliation for him making her sign a copy out earlier - before walking into the office outside the Oval Office]
Charlie Young: Look C.J...
C.J. Cregg: You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for "anal".
Larry: I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?
Ed: No.

C.J. Cregg: So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?

"The West Wing: And It's Surely to Their Credit (#2.5)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: [Talking about Ainsley Hayes] I'm going to tell you something, Toby. I don't think it's that she's a Republican, I think it's that she's a Republican woman and she's good-looking.
Toby Ziegler: Well, those are three things, when in combination, usually spell 'careerism'.

General Ed Barrie: How about we discuss new defense spending being down to three hundred billion from four hundred billion ten years ago. Is that personal?
C.J. Cregg: No, sir, I think that's about the cold war ending ten years ago and America not needing to spend quite so much money defending itself against a country that can't bake bread.

"The West Wing: Bartlet's Third State of the Union (#2.13)" (2001)

Sam Seaborn: Where'd you get the bathrobe?
Carol Fitzpatrick: The gym.
Sam Seaborn: There are bathrobes at the gym?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: In the women's locker room.
Sam Seaborn: But not the men's.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and 50 women.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah, and it's the *bathrobes* that's outrageous.

Mark Gottfried: C.J.'s not wearing any pants.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes.
Mark Gottfried: No pants whatsoever.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: It's cable!

"The West Wing: In Excelsis Deo (#1.10)" (1999)

C.J. Cregg: What's your secret service code name?
Sam Seaborn: They just changed it.
C.J. Cregg: I know. What's yours?
Sam Seaborn: Princeton.
C.J. Cregg: Mine's "Flamingo".
Sam Seaborn: That's nice.
C.J. Cregg: No, it's not nice.
Sam Seaborn: Flamingo's a nice-looking bird.
C.J. Cregg: A flamingo is a ridiculous-looking bird.
Sam Seaborn: You're not ridiculous-looking.
C.J. Cregg: I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.
Sam Seaborn: Any way for me to get out of this conversation?
C.J. Cregg: I'm going to talk to someone.
Sam Seaborn: Excellent.

Toby Ziegler: It's not the new millennium, but I'll just let it drop.
Sam Seaborn: It is.
Toby Ziegler: It is not the new millennium. The year 2000 is the last year of the millennium, it's not the first year of the next one.
Sam Seaborn: But the common sensibility, to quote Stephen Jay Gould...
Toby Ziegler: Stephen Jay Gould needs to look at a calendar.
Sam Seaborn: Gould says this is a largely unresolvable issue.
Toby Ziegler: Yes, it's tough to resolve. You have to look at a calendar.
[... ]
Sam Seaborn: You've got to ask yourself which is more exciting - watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000 or watching it go from one hundred to a hundred and one.
C.J. Cregg: So technically the millennium is still a year away.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but... we've made all these plans.

"The West Wing: Gone Quiet (#3.7)" (2001)

C.J. Cregg: [singing as she crosses the room to Toby] I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my skirt, too sexy for the other things...
Toby Ziegler: What in God's name is...
C.J. Cregg: He got the question.
Toby Ziegler: Who?
C.J. Cregg: The Majority Leader.
Toby Ziegler: When?
C.J. Cregg: Last night. Local news, Cleveland, Ohio - oh me-o, oh my-o, oh Cleveland, Ohio! He got the question.
Bonnie: What's the question?
Toby Ziegler: "Why do you want to be president?"
Bonnie: And what did he say?
C.J. Cregg: [reading from a transcript of the interview] "The reason I would run, were I to run, is I have a great belief in this country as a country and in this people as a people that go into making this country a nation with the greatest natural resources and population of people, educated people."
C.J. Cregg: [makes a shotgun motion with her arms] Chk-chk, boom!
Toby Ziegler: I'll spread it around.
C.J. Cregg: [singing her way out of the room] I'm too sexy for my shoes, too sexy for the blues, too sexy...

C.J. Cregg: The majority leader got the question last night.
Josh Lyman: Yeah?
[reads]
Josh Lyman: ... and just kept on diggin'.
Josh Lyman: [reading from transcript] "with the greatest technology of any people of any country in the world, along with the greatest, not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people, and I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically."
C.J. Cregg: Yes.
Josh Lyman: It's the "basically" that makes it art.

"The West Wing: Third Day Story (#6.3)" (2004)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Well heavens to murgatroyd. We have all the NATO countries.

C.J. Cregg: Thanks for that bit about the pens.
Carol: We do our homework.
C.J. Cregg: You misspelled senator!

"The West Wing: 7A WF 83429 (#5.1)" (2003)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Good morning. I have with me members of the FBI team who have taken the lead role in this investigation. The FBI has opened a '7A' - that's a missing persons file - and has assigned Zoey Patricia Bartlet a control number: 7A WF 83429. The 'WF' stands for 'Washington Field Office'.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Danny Concannon is doing a story alleging we assassinated Abdul Sheriff.
Glenallen Walken: How are his sources?
Leo McGarry: He's got it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He's looking for a comment
Glenallen Walken: I suppose throwing him in leg irons and locking him in the basement of the Capitol wouldn't do any good.
Leo McGarry: We shouldn't comment, sir, not while Zoey Bartlett is missing.
Steve Atwood: No, we need to get out in front of it, release it before it breaks in the Post.
Toby Ziegler: Release what? That we violated The Neutrality Act to covertly assassinate an official of a friendly government?
Steve Atwood: He must not have been too friendly if you decided to shoot him.
Will Bailey: Sir, acknowledging the assassination destroys a century's worth of progress towards international law.
Steve Atwood: You guys didn't think about that before you did it?
Josh Lyman: It wasn't supposed to become public.
Steve Atwood: Yeah well you tried that before. How did it work out on MS?

"The West Wing: An Khe (#5.14)" (2004)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That was fun!... Sanctimonious little guttersnipe sent a great big fat one up and over the plate. Health care reform! From a guy who's still on the fence about the application of leeches!

Carol Fitzpatrick: ...and Toby and Josh are in your office.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What do they want?
Carol Fitzpatrick: To make fun of you I think.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: And you let them in?
Carol Fitzpatrick: And got them coffee!
[in a bright cheery voice]

"The West Wing: College Kids (#4.2)" (2002)

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: Claudia Jean.
C.J. Cregg: Sailor...

C.J. Cregg: Twenty-five years ago, half of all 18- to 24-year-olds voted. Today it's 25%. 18- to 24-year-olds represent 33% of the population but only account for 7% of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many of you have student loans to pay? How many have credit card debt? How many want clean air and clean water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up. You gotta rock the vote!

"The West Wing: The War at Home (#2.14)" (2001)

Toby Ziegler: Where's Josh?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He went back to the phone banks.
Toby Ziegler: Is the electricity back on?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: No.
Toby Ziegler: Then what's he doing there?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Hoping the electricity goes on.
Toby Ziegler: Well that ought to do it.

[Ainsley is about to meet the President for the first time]
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: How are you doing, Ainsley?
Ainsley Hayes: My mouth is dry, my hands are moist and I have to pee.

"The West Wing: The Fall's Gonna Kill You (#2.20)" (2001)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: One in forty American men wear women's clothing and we've had well over forty presidents. I'm just saying, one of these guys was dancing around the Oval Office in a prom dress. Now let's get to the bottom of that.

"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part II (#2.2)" (2000)

Toby Ziegler: C.J., you fell into the pool there...
C.J. Cregg: I can't see!
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, well maybe, uh, kind of, try to feel your way to dry land. Want a hand?
C.J. Cregg: Shut up. Avert your eyes.
Toby Ziegler: What?
C.J. Cregg: I'm climbing out of the pool, my clothes will be clingy, avert you eyes.
Toby Ziegler: C.J., I really didn't come here to...
C.J. Cregg: Avert your eyes!
Toby Ziegler: OK.
[turning around, as C.J. gets out of the pool, and straightens her dress out]
C.J. Cregg: Oh, turn around.
Toby Ziegler: [laughs]

C.J. Cregg: There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults. 3411 robberies. 3685 aggravated assaults, all at gun point. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best-trained armed guards in the history of the world.

"The West Wing: The U.S. Poet Laureate (#3.17)" (2002)

Sam Seaborn: By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whoop your Cal Bears any day of the week.
C.J. Cregg: At what?
Sam Seaborn: [pause] Logarithms, possibly.

[C.J. is mad at Josh for posting to the message board of a Josh Lyman fan web site]
C.J. Cregg: If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass... What?
Josh Lyman: Well... technically, I outrank you.
C.J. Cregg: SO FAR UP YOUR ASS...

"The West Wing: The Lame Duck Congress (#2.6)" (2000)

Danny Concannon: Hey, C.J.
C.J. Cregg: Hey, Nimrod.
Danny Concannon: Look, I leaked your damn story for you.
C.J. Cregg: You leaked it for me, I leaked it to you, pal. I used you like so much... whatever.
Danny Concannon: Well put.

Leo McGarry: Any downside?
C.J. Cregg: I'll feel stupid.
Leo McGarry: I can live with that.

"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 1 (#3.2)" (2001)

Toby Ziegler: C.J.?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: You want to play some pool?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't know how to play pool.
Toby Ziegler: You wanna play for money?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Sure.

Reporter: I think the question was, was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life-and-death decision after what he'd just been through?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying, but not prohibitively debilitating.

"The West Wing: The Long Goodbye (#4.12)" (2003)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [on the phone] No, I didn't mean that you have no social skills, Toby... I'm sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I think you're very... you're a very pretty girl, Toby.

"The West Wing: Disaster Relief (#5.6)" (2003)

Donna Moss: Schadenfreude?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You know, enjoying the suffering of others. The whole rationale behind the House of Representatives.

"The West Wing: Stirred (#3.18)" (2002)

C.J. Cregg: You haven't had a drink since you were 22?
John Hoynes: That's right.
C.J. Cregg: Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped you in the face.
John Hoynes: He did once.

"The West Wing: Guns Not Butter (#4.11)" (2003)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: First of all, that's not a cow. It's not! It's a goat. Yeah, I may have agreed to something about a goat.
Leo McGarry: Did the First Lady get you drunk and take you shopping?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Leo... yes.

"The West Wing: What Kind of Day Has It Been (#1.22)" (2000)

Danny Concannon: CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Danny, I gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.

"The West Wing: The Two Bartlets (#3.13)" (2002)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: So, the 4-H convention.
Toby Ziegler: We're not going.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
Toby Ziegler: I'm that way.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
Toby Ziegler: We're not going.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Toby Ziegler: Butter on the table?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
Toby Ziegler: How do they keep it from melting?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: How, indeed.
Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Toby Ziegler: Thank you.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

"The West Wing: He Shall, from Time to Time... (#1.12)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: What are you taking?
President Josiah Bartlet: I don't know. My wife hands me pills, I swallow them with water.
Sam Seaborn: Sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: Vitamin C, Vitamin B. Is it possible I'm taking something called euthanasia?
Sam Seaborn: Echinacea?
President Josiah Bartlet: Ah, that sounds more like it.

"The West Wing: Tomorrow (#7.22)" (2006)

Margaret Hooper: ...and they've asked that we vacate our parking spots by 2 p.m.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Not a problem. I walked today.
Margaret Hooper: Really?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, I often walk.
Margaret Hooper: You do?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Sometimes I walk. I'm going to walk a lot when I get back to California.
Margaret Hooper: Los Angeles being a pedestrian nirvana.

"The West Wing: The Black Vera Wang (#3.20)" (2002)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?
Agent Simon Donovan: I'm sorry?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: What's your plan for me?
Agent Simon Donovan: I don't have a plan.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You're gonna let me drive myself home?
Agent Simon Donovan: No. I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You've got my spark plug?
Agent Simon Donovan: And the battery. Also the fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse, and, well, also the engine I guess.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Did you leave me anything?
Agent Simon Donovan: Wiper fluid.

"The West Wing: The Indians in the Lobby (#3.8)" (2001)

President Josiah Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
C.J. Cregg: I'm coming up on it?
President Josiah Bartlet: No, no. Look behind you

"The West Wing: On the Day Before (#3.5)" (2001)

Entertainment Reporter Sherri Wexler: C. J.?
C.J. Cregg: Hey.
Entertainment Reporter Sherri Wexler: That was totally uncalled for.
C.J. Cregg: Yeah?
Entertainment Reporter Sherri Wexler: My competitors are going to show that tape. Every local station in town...
C.J. Cregg: What? Are you crazy? That thing's going out to 154 affiliates.
Entertainment Reporter Sherri Wexler: Look, I...
C.J. Cregg: I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about the death of two teenagers while wearing a ball gown, and you knew that, because you're stupid, but you're not stupid. You know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials. You'll call my office every day, and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach; you can do your stand-ups from Lafayette Park.
Entertainment Reporter Sherri Wexler: Who the hell do you...
C.J. Cregg: One more word out of your mouth, and every local station in town but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over.
[Sherri turns and walks away]
C.J. Cregg: And the chemical abbreviation for table salt is NaCl.

"The West Wing: Game On (#4.5)" (2002)

C.J. Cregg: He's not a little bit crazy?
Toby Ziegler: Albie Duncan?
C.J. Cregg: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: No. No. No. A little bit.

"The West Wing: The Stackhouse Filibuster (#2.17)" (2001)

C.J. Cregg: I have the ancient curse of Bast, on me, OK? So back off, Sparky.

"The West Wing: 20 Hours in America (#4.1)" (2002)

C.J. Cregg: [quoting a radio show host] "This is another sign that Abbey Bartlet is a liberal elitist feminist."
Bruno Gianelli: Elitist feminist? You can't do that to the English language.

"The West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael (#3.1)" (2001)

C.J. Cregg: Liberties, schmiberties!
Toby Ziegler: C.J. Cregg, ladies and gentlemen.

"The West Wing: Let Bartlet Be Bartlet (#1.19)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: The theme of this year's event is, "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.

"The West Wing: Debate Camp (#4.4)" (2002)

President Josiah Bartlet: [practicing for a debate] I don't support racial profiling.
Sam Seaborn: [playing the part of a debate challenger] Your nominee for Attorney General did. Can you tell us why you nominated him?
President Josiah Bartlet: Why?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: 'Cause bite me, that's why.
C.J. Cregg: It's a legitimate question.
President Josiah Bartlet: It's been almost four years, Sam. How long do you want to say "I told you so?"
Josh Lyman: He wasn't saying "I told you so," sir. We need an answer on Rooker.
President Josiah Bartlet: What's wrong with "Bite me"?
Josh Lyman: I think we'd lose.
Toby Ziegler: Not in New Jersey.

"The West Wing: Six Meetings Before Lunch (#1.18)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: What happened?
Danny Concannon: David Arbor was arrested outside a frat party. He's going to be charged with felony possession, possible intent to distribute.
C.J. Cregg: Is there any chance David Arbor's not the son of Bob Arbor?

"The West Wing: H. Con-172 (#3.11)" (2002)

Sam Seaborn: Legitimate news organizations are gonna cover this, to say nothing of the people who hate us, who are gonna run it over, over, over, over, over. This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He *is* not credible. I'm a lawyer. I'm telling you that *has* to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we've gotta come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth if there's a comma in the wrong place. He needs to be killed until he is dead, and he needs to be killed again or he is gonna to keep biting at our ankles, and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're gonna be.
C.J. Cregg: [snapping her fingers like the Jets in "West Side Story"] "Boy, boy, crazy boy, keep cool, boy."

"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part I (#2.1)" (2000)

Danny Concannon: ...who's in charge?
C.J. Cregg: The Vice President, the Secretary of State, the National Security Advisor, Secretary of Defense Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, the White House Chief of Staff.
Danny Concannon: You just named six people. Who's in *charge*?
C.J. Cregg: The Canadiens.
Danny Concannon: CJ...
C.J. Cregg: You understand I'm talking about the hockey team.

"The West Wing: Life on Mars (#4.20)" (2003)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: The farmers are victims of this Republican Congress.
Joe Quincy: I don't get a vote in the US House of Representatives, but I do go to the grocery store. I know that food is cheaper, and I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for.
Joe Quincy: Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. It usually takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I'm the Press Secretary Boo-Boo. I don't have that kind of time.

"The West Wing: Process Stories (#4.7)" (2002)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: In a poll taken three days after the MS announcement, the President lost to Ritchie by nine points. He won by 11. You did it.
Bruno Gianelli: It helps when you cook with the right food.

"The West Wing: The White House Pro-Am (#1.17)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: I understand the oeuvre. I understand the basic mise-en-scene of what you're saying. I really don't understand anything.

"The West Wing: The Red Mass (#4.3)" (2002)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I can't believe how many times I get asked what would be a win in the debates. At this point I feel like if - and only if - Ritchie accidentally lights his podium on fire does the President have a fighting chance.

"The West Wing: The Leadership Breakfast (#2.11)" (2001)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: [walking by Sam and Josh] Fred and Ethel, would you follow me, please?
Josh Lyman: [looks at Sam] She's talking about us.

"The West Wing: Mr. Willis of Ohio (#1.6)" (1999)

C.J. Cregg: Why Josh, you've... you've swept me off my feet.
Josh Lyman: Whatever.

"The West Wing: Separation of Powers (#5.7)" (2003)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Okay, but I've got to be careful about saying "man."
Toby Ziegler: Why, 'cause - ? Oh, c'mon!
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You'd be surprised. I get letters.
Toby Ziegler: Fine, "human being," then, or do the other mammals complain?

"The West Wing: Noël (#2.10)" (2000)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You're a snob.
Bernard Thatch: Yes.

"The West Wing: The California 47th (#4.15)" (2003)

President Josiah Bartlet: I'm not an economist, but no, wait, I AM an economist. So, their plan will do what, C.J.?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Explode the...
President Josiah Bartlet: [cutting her off] Explode the deficit. Will it stimulate the economy, Josh?
Josh Lyman: It'll stimulate the Swiss economy.
President Josiah Bartlet: Josh gets extra points for being funny and right at the same time.

"The West Wing: Freedonia (#6.15)" (2005)

C.J. Cregg: [to Josh on the phone regarding Donna] Didn't you teach her not to engage with a chicken?

"The West Wing: Election Night (#4.6)" (2002)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life except, you know, for sport.

"The West Wing: The Drop In (#2.12)" (2001)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Were you able to get girls to go out with you in high school?

"The West Wing: Shutdown (#5.8)" (2003)

C.J. Cregg: Okay, but I need some numbers fast... maybe some garlic and a crucifix.

"The West Wing: Red Haven's on Fire (#4.16)" (2003)

C.J. Cregg: He looks youthful...
Toby Ziegler: Yes.
C.J. Cregg: ...and energetic.
Toby Ziegler: Yes.
C.J. Cregg: He looks youthful and energetic. Do we have anything he can jump over?

"The West Wing: The Portland Trip (#2.7)" (2000)

Danny Concannon: Are you being punished?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I'm not being punished. I'm going on the trip.
Danny Concannon: Well, if the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you're going on the trip?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I made fun of Notre Dame.

"The West Wing: Evidence of Things Not Seen (#4.19)" (2003)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, but I think what he's asking - Bump ten - I think what he's asking is why, on most other nights, do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight...?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?
Toby Ziegler: Suzy Creamcheese, do not attempt the Haggadah.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I know how to bless the soup, too.

"The West Wing: Slow News Day (#5.12)" (2004)

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: We've been over this. We need a hard news announcement each and every day or the press runs amok!

"The West Wing: Take This Sabbath Day (#1.14)" (2000)

C.J. Cregg: I am back in America now, I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell.