Ainsley Hayes
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Quotes for
Ainsley Hayes (Character)
from "The West Wing" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The West Wing: In This White House (#2.4)" (2000)
Ainsley Hayes: The bill contained plenty of money for textbooks, Mark, and anyone who says otherwise is flat-out lying. And we should tell the truth about this. Textbooks are important, if for no other reason than they'd accurately place the town of Kirkwood in California and not Oregon.

Ainsley Hayes: Does anybody know how to work caller-ID?
Harriet: Oh, how can you not know how to use a telephone?
Ainsley Hayes: I've been paying attention to other things.
Harriet: Well, pay attention to that because Bruce's friend is gonna call you.
Ainsley Hayes: The agent?
Bruce: Yep.
Ainsley Hayes: I don't need an agent, I need a caller-ID tutorial.
Harriet: You need an agent, Ainsley, you're gonna be a star.
Ainsley Hayes: Used to be, you had to sing and dance.

Ainsley Hayes: Yes, sir. I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did.
Leo McGarry: I... didn't really follow that, but whatever.
Ainsley Hayes: I think that it is wrong for a man in your position to summon someone to the White House to reprimand them for voicing opposition. I think that that is wrong, and it is inappropriate. It's inappropriate, and I'll tell you what else.
Leo McGarry: It's wrong?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes.

Leo McGarry: You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that?
Ainsley Hayes: It's a nervous condition.
Leo McGarry: I used to have a nervous condition.
Ainsley Hayes: How did yours manifest itself?
Leo McGarry: I drank a lot of scotch.
Ainsley Hayes: I get sick when I drink too much.
Leo McGarry: I get drunk when I drink too much.

Leo McGarry: Yeah, Ainsley, even if you hadn't already told me all of this - you know, many, many times - I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file.
Ainsley Hayes: You have my FBI file?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Ainsley Hayes: I can't believe that! You have my FBI file?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Ainsley Hayes: I *have* an FBI file?

Ainsley Hayes: I find this administration smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with colder hearts.
Leo McGarry: I don't think that's true.
Ainsley Hayes: How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?
Leo McGarry: None... C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?
Ainsley Hayes: No, I don't kill my pets. I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but - that doesn't matter. The point is...

Leo McGarry: Ainsley.
Ainsley Hayes: Yes, sir?
Leo McGarry: Don't you want to work in the White House?
Ainsley Hayes: Oh, only since I was two.

Sam Seaborn: No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?
Ainsley Hayes: You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.
Sam Seaborn: This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.
Ainsley Hayes: Imagine my surprise.

Bruce: Oh, damn. I wanted you to say it to his face. I wanted to see...
Harriet: I hate these people.
Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless?
Ainsley Hayes: Don't say that.
Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who has any - ?
Ainsley Hayes: I said don't say that. Say they're smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders, but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people that I have met have been extraordinarily qualified, their intent is good. Their commitment is true, they are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer.

Ainsley Hayes: I'll ask again: for what purpose was I brought here today?
Leo McGarry: So I could offer you a job.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm asking because I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of... you know the game?
Leo McGarry: Cat and mouse?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes. And it's not like I'm not, you know. The fact that I may not look like some of the other Republicans who have crossed your path does not mean that I'm any less inclined toward...
Leo McGarry: Here it comes.
Ainsley Hayes: Did you say offer me a job?

Josh Lyman: You look familiar to me. You're Aimsley Hayes.
Ainsley Hayes: Ainsley. With an "n".
Sam Seaborn: She works here now.
Josh Lyman: What?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her.
Josh Lyman: What are you talking about?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her. He told me and C.J., he was waiting to tell you and Toby.
Josh Lyman: What was he waiting for?

Ainsley Hayes: [about Margaret] She seems like a very good secretary.
Leo McGarry: Well, she'll be happy to hear that. She's standing right outside the door.
Margaret Hooper: [Leo hits the closed door] Ow.


"The West Wing: And It's Surely to Their Credit (#2.5)" (2000)
Ainsley Hayes: [disbelieving] Lionel Tribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea.
Leo McGarry: Why are you surprised?
Ainsley Hayes: Well, because I'm a Republican, and Lionel Tribbey is... incredibly not.

Ainsley Hayes: So you lied to me just then.
Leo McGarry: I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.
Ainsley Hayes: My first day is getting off to a great start.

Leo McGarry: I'll be honest with you. I didn't even know we had offices down here.
Ainsley Hayes: That bodes well for me.
Leo McGarry: I wonder what else we got down here.
Ainsley Hayes: Bats, probably?

Leo McGarry: It's written down here. This is the steam pipe trunk distribution venue.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm working in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue?
Leo McGarry: No, you're working in your office.
Ainsley Hayes: Well... Thank you for the help.
Leo McGarry: Ainsley, don't worry about Sam or Josh and Toby or C.J. or the Democrats on the hill or Republicans on TV. You're here to serve the President. Anyway... welcome to the White House.

Ainsley Hayes: The President's way too moderate for your taste.
Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel: Excuse me?
Ainsley Hayes: On affirmative action, capital gains, public schools, free trade... You left a lucrative practice in Chicago and a seven-figure income.
[beat]
Ainsley Hayes: It wasn't out of duty?

Sam Seaborn: See, I was told you were just going to be working in the Majority Counsel's office, which I wasn't wild about to begin with, but it's my understanding I'd be talking to Brookline and Joyce, seeing as how they work for me.
Ainsley Hayes: I was taking initiative.
Sam Seaborn: Well, wasn't that spunky of you.
Ainsley Hayes: Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday. I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped, I am gonna lose it. So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it.

Lionel Tribbey: Who is this?
Leo McGarry: This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.
Lionel Tribbey: Ah, the girl who's been writing the columns.
Leo McGarry: Yeah.
Lionel Tribbey: [to Ainsley] You're an idiot.
Ainsley Hayes: Leo...
Leo McGarry: She's not an idiot, Lionel. She clerked for Dreifort.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
Leo McGarry: Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.
Lionel Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him.
[grins at Ainsley]
Lionel Tribbey: Nice to meet you.

Leo McGarry: Sam Seaborn had this innocent relationship with a girl - bam. Here comes the enemy. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Bam. Radio, TV, magazines, cameras in front of my house, people shouting at my daughter at the ballgame, editorials, op-eds. "He's a drunk. He's dangerous. He should resign."
Ainsley Hayes: I wrote one of those op-ed pieces.
Leo McGarry: I know.

Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.

[Ainsley Hayes is about to meet her new boss, White House counsel Lionel Tribbey]
Leo McGarry: You're going to meet him right now. It's going to be fine...
Ainsley Hayes: It's not going to be fine. He's gonna yell, and scream, I've seen him on TV...
Leo McGarry: Well, that's TV. He's making a full-throated defense of the President. That's what we do. Believe me, in real life, when the cameras are off...
[Lionel Tribbey storms into the office, smacking a cricket bat against the walls with great fury]
Lionel Tribbey: [screaming] Leo! I will kill people today, Leo. I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands.

Ainsley Hayes: You're sending me to the Majority Counsel 'cause I speak Republican.


"The West Wing: Bartlet's Third State of the Union (#2.13)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: And please don't forget you're a blonde, Republican girl, and that nobody likes you.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm going back on television right now.
Sam Seaborn: Try and remember you're on our side.

Ainsley Hayes: I'm an associate counsel. The Chinese food guy's got more access than I do.
Mark Gottfried: And yet they have you out here speaking for the White House.
Ainsley Hayes: Yeah. It's a really big night for me!

Sam Seaborn: How have you never met the President?
Ainsley Hayes: I haven't.
Sam Seaborn: You've been working here three months.
Ainsley Hayes: He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: [upon meeting Ainsley for the first time in her office, there is loud music playing]
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: What's up?
Ainsley Hayes: [wearing a robe, throws her drink across the room]
Ainsley Hayes: Oh, Mr. President!
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I never even knew we had a night club down here.
Ainsley Hayes: Oh, my gosh!
Sam Seaborn: Mr. President, I don't believe you have met Ainsley Hayes.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Yeah Ainsley, I wanted to say hello, and to mention, you know, uh, a lot of people assumed you were hired because you were a blonde Republican sex kitten, and well they're obviously wrong. Keep up the good work.


"The West Wing: 17 People (#2.18)" (2001)
Ainsley Hayes: Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers at your desk?
Josh Lyman: I did! Me. Those are from me.
Ainsley Hayes: What's the occasion?
Donna Moss: Nothing.
Josh Lyman: Our anniversary.
Donna Moss: Our *not* anniversary.
Josh Lyman: Donna doesn't like to talk about it.
Donna Moss: I really don't.
Ainsley Hayes: Okay.
Sam Seaborn: A few years ago Donna's boyfriend broke up with her so she started working for Josh but then the boyfriend told her to come back and she did and then they broke up and she came back to work...
Donna Moss: [Donna gestures at Sam in exasperation]
Sam Seaborn: I thought you meant YOU didn't want to talk about it. I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.

Sam Seaborn: I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.
Ainsley Hayes: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.

Sam Seaborn: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley Hayes: We also like beef.

Sam Seaborn: [speaking about the Equal Rights Amendment] How can you have an objection to something that says...
Ainsley Hayes: Because it's humiliating. A new amendment we vote on declaring that I am equal under the law to a man, I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country, I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white, men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me, and I went to law school just to make sure.


"The West Wing: Night Five (#3.14)" (2002)
Ainsley Hayes: If I felt demeaned, I'd be among the very first people to know it.

Sam Seaborn: Hang on -to Ainsley- Here she is. Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus Charlie said he's fine with it.
Celia Walton: Charlie's a man.
Charlie Young: Damn right.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, I also thinks its important to make clear that I'm not a sexist.
Charlie Young: And that I'm all man.
Ainsley Hayes: You're Celia? He's not a sexist.
Celia Walton: If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm sorry?
Celia Walton: I said, I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley Hayes: I don't even know what that means.
Celia Walton: I think you do.
Ainsley Hayes: And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.
Celia Walton: I didn't say they did. And when someone said something that offended me, I did say so.
Ainsley Hayes: I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team, and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know what? I like sex.
Charlie Young: Hello!
Ainsley Hayes: I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
Celia Walton: And what kind of feminism do you call that?
Ainsley Hayes: My kind.
Ginger: It's called lipstick feminism. I call it stiletto feminism.
Sam Seaborn: Stilettos?
Ainsley Hayes: You're not in enough trouble already?
Sam Seaborn: I suppose I am.
Celia Walton: Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
Ainsley Hayes: He would be able to. But that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones. Pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment. And in this case, a speech in front of the UN General Assembly. So. You -to Sam- 25 percent on the assessments for Category A. You -to Charlie- I don't know what your thng is. And you -to Celia- stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.
Sam Seaborn: Well, for the moment at least, I'm gonna do what she's telling me to do.

Sam Seaborn: Hang on -to Ainsley- Here she is. Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus Charlie said he's fine with it.
Celia Walton: Charlie's a man.
Charlie Young: Damn right.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, I also thinks its important to make clear that I'm not a sexist.
Charlie Young: And that I'm all man.
Ainsley Hayes: You're Celia? He's not a sexist.
Celia Walton: If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm sorry?
Celia Walton: I said, I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley Hayes: I don't even know what that means.
Celia Walton: I think you do.
Ainsley Hayes: And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.
Celia Walton: I didn't say they did. And when someone said something that offended me, I did say so.
Ainsley Hayes: I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team, and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know what? I like sex.
Charlie Young: Hello!
Ainsley Hayes: I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
Celia Walton: And what kind of feminism do you call that?
Ainsley Hayes: My kind.
Ginger: It's called lipstick feminism. I call it stiletto feminism.
Sam Seaborn: Stilettos?
Ainsley Hayes: You're not in enough trouble already?
Sam Seaborn: I suppose I am.
Celia Walton: Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
Ainsley Hayes: He would be able to. But that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones. Pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment. And in this case, a speech in front of the UN General Assembly. So. You -to Sam- 25 percent on the assessments for Category A. You -to Charlie- I don't know what your thing is. And you -to Celia- stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.
Sam Seaborn: Well, for the moment at least, I'm gonna do what she's telling me to do.


"The West Wing: The Lame Duck Congress (#2.6)" (2000)
Ainsley Hayes: I'm not gonna say anything. I'm not gonna spill anything. I'm not gonna get Republican juice on you. I'm just gonna sit there and learn.
Sam Seaborn: What?
Ainsley Hayes: From the master, Sam. I wanna learn from the master.
Sam Seaborn: You see, women think that kind of thing works, but it doesn't.
Ainsley Hayes: [takes a step closer to him] It really does Sam.
Sam Seaborn: [turns and walks away, Ainsley follows] I'll let you come to the hill, you'll summarize my memo.
Ainsley Hayes: I'll use punctuation and everything. You might even get extra credit.

Sam Seaborn: You must've had 'em rolling in the aisles back in Georgia.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm from North Carolina.
Sam Seaborn: Wherever it was that you studied baton twirling.
Ainsley Hayes: That'd be Harvard Law School.

Sam Seaborn: You reversed my position.
Ainsley Hayes: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: I gave this to you to summarize, and you didn't summarize it so much as you reversed my position.
Ainsley Hayes: I gave it a little polish, yeah.
Sam Seaborn: You reversed my position.
Ainsley Hayes: It's shorter.
Sam Seaborn: It is shorter... and you reversed my position.


"The West Wing: The War at Home (#2.14)" (2001)
Ainsley Hayes: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.
Sam Seaborn: You're just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?

[Ainsley is about to meet the President for the first time]
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: How are you doing, Ainsley?
Ainsley Hayes: My mouth is dry, my hands are moist and I have to pee.


"The West Wing: Ways and Means (#3.4)" (2001)
C.J. Cregg: I want you to get with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
Ainsley Hayes: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
C.J. Cregg: Do you?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes.