Doug Ross
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Quotes for
Doug Ross (Character)
from "ER" (1994)

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"ER: Hell and High Water (#2.7)" (1995)
Dr. Mark Greene: Did you get the job?
Dr. Doug Ross: 90 grand a year and nobody dies. Hallelujah, auf Wiedersehen, I'll see you around.

Paramedic: Mercy's closer.
Dr. Doug Ross: Yeah, but by 3 minutes. Then he dies because there's no ICU.
Paramedic: Or else he dies in a new helicopter.
Dr. Doug Ross: Look, I don't have time to argue with you. I will take full responsibility!
[to the news team]
Dr. Doug Ross: This boy is going to die!

Dr. Doug Ross: He's in V-Fib!... Come on!
Channel 5 Chopper Reporter: What are those paddles for Dr. Ross?
Dr. Doug Ross: Stabilize his beat. They didn't charge the battery!
Dr. Mark Greene: [Watching in the ER] Oh my God!
Dr. Doug Ross: GOD!
[Ross screams in frustration]
Dr. Doug Ross: All right, I need your help. Turn the camera off... Turn the camera off!

Dr. Doug Ross: [Commenting on the sutures] That one's crooked.
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah? Well next time you can do it yourself.

Dr. Mark Greene: What's he doing on a new chopper?
Jerry Markovic: [Jerry points to the TV] Hey look there's Doctor Ross.
Nurse Malik McGrath: Turn up the volume.
Nurse Wendy Goldman: Where's the remote?
Dr. Mark Greene: [Greene speaks into the radio] Doug, do you read me?
Dr. Doug Ross: Mark, is that you?
Dr. Mark Greene: What are you doing?
Dr. Doug Ross: I got a 12 year old with hypothermia. I gotta warm him up fast! I'm doing the best I can.

Dr. Mark Greene: Doug, you're a mess. Go change into some scrubs.
[Ross continues working]
Dr. Mark Greene: You're freezing. Go get some coffee and warm up.
[Ross keep working]
Dr. Mark Greene: Hey! I need you here! Go change!
Dr. Doug Ross: [Ross starts to leave] I never should have put him that damn chopper!

"ER: Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies (#3.9)" (1996)
Carol Hathaway: Have you seen Mark? Is he okay?
Dr. Doug Ross: Put it this way, he called a staff meeting.
Carol Hathaway: Mark Greene?
Dr. Doug Ross: Yep.
Carol Hathaway: Glasses? Receding hair line? Broken heart?
Dr. Doug Ross: That's the one.

Dr. Doug Ross: So, Natalie, you get a lot of ear infections, do you?
Natalie: Can you just give me the Amoxicillin? I have a playdate.
[Dr. Ross begins to examine her ears]
Natalie: You don't need to look! Just give me the antibiotic! Augmentin will be just fine if you're worried about resistance!
Dr. Doug Ross: You know a lot of things about a lot of things, don't you, Natalie?
Natalie: Yes, I do.
Dr. Doug Ross: So do you want to tell Nurse Hathaway about Coulomb's law?
Carol Hathaway: Ah, that's the fundamental law of electrostatics, which states that the force between two charged particles is directly proportional to the product of their charges.
Dr. Doug Ross: And inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. Isn't that right, Natalie?
Natalie: [glares at Dr. Ross]

Dr. Doug Ross: It looks like snow.
Carol Hathaway: It smells like snow.
Dr. Doug Ross: Carol, what does that mean?
Carol Hathaway: You can smell snow coming. It has a smell.
Dr. Doug Ross: It smells like burritos.
Carol Hathaway: Look, what are we going to do about Mark?
Dr. Doug Ross: Put him on a plane or have him killed.
Carol Hathaway: I don't think I can take this much longer, you know? Maybe you should talk to him.
Dr. Doug Ross: I talked to him once, he said he was okay. Ask him again, it gets a little weird.
Carol Hathaway: Ohh, you'd be violating the guy code.
Dr. Doug Ross: Guy code?
Carol Hathaway: Yeah, of noncommunication.

"ER: Fathers and Sons (#4.7)" (1997)
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm confused now. Your father's still alive, right? He's still with your mother.
Dr. Mark Greene: So that's the criteria for a good father? Longevity?
Dr. Doug Ross: Did he smack you around a lot? Used to smack your mom around?
Dr. Mark Greene: Poor Doug.
Dr. Doug Ross: Wait. Poor Doug? Your father, did he, did he come into your room in the middle of the night and throw up on your bed and pass out? Did he do that? Did he leave you in a hallway in Atlantic City while he screwed some hat check girl, Mark? Did he do that? Did he do that, Mark? Your father was there for you every night, you and your mother. And that's love. Now, whether it's the way you want it or not, it's love, Mark. You grew up in Ozzie and Harriet land. Get your head out of your ass.

Dr. Mark Greene: What are you thinking about, Doug?
Dr. Doug Ross: Carol... I'm in love with her. I mean, I used to think I knew what love was. I cared about a lot of women, I just don't think I've ever really been in love. I think about her all the time. I don't like it when I'm not with her, I don't want to be with anyone else. That's love, isn't it?
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah... That's love.

Dr. Mark Greene: How much longer?
Dr. Doug Ross: About 30 seconds since the last time you asked. Are you this tough to travel with all the time?

"ER: The Healers (#2.16)" (1996)
Dr. Doug Ross: Is that the mother from the fire?
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah, I think so.
Dr. Doug Ross: It should have been her airway. I would have let her suffocate.

Dr. Doug Ross: [to his father] I was standing there, Ray. It was 7:30 and you were supposed to be there. I was standing there. Where were you? You were exactly where you have always been your entire life: someplace else!

Dr. Doug Ross: Randi, you meet a cute guy for the first time. What do you do?
Randi Fronczak: Run a credit check.

"ER: Welcome Back Carter! (#2.1)" (1995)
Dr. Mark Greene: You did some of your residency with Kerry Weaver?
Dr. Doug Ross: Yeah, when we crossed paths.
Dr. Mark Greene: Morgenstern wants me to consider her for chief.
Dr. Doug Ross: Really?
Dr. Mark Greene: That bad?
Dr. Doug Ross: Did you ever see 'Cuckoo's Nest'?

[Carter gives Ross a small idol statue]
John Carter: Dr. Ross, a little taste of the islands.
Dr. Doug Ross: Carter, you shouldn't have.
John Carter: It's Wondoa. He's the god of fertility.
Carol Hathaway: Just what you need, Doug.

"ER: What Life? (#2.4)" (1995)
[Carol tells the paramedic that she's kinda involved with is named Shep]
Dr. Doug Ross: Elvis had a dog named Shep.

[to Susan, about Weaver]
Dr. Doug Ross: If you're considering violence, count me in.

"ER: Faith (#3.16)" (1997)
Dr. Mark Greene: Remember when we were gonna change the world?
Dr. Doug Ross: No, I was always in it for the money.

Dr. Doug Ross: So why did you go ahead and take it?
Nurse Carol Hathaway: The MCATs?
Dr. Doug Ross: Mm-hmm.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: For me. Just wanted to see if I was good enough.
Dr. Doug Ross: You are.

"ER: One More for the Road (#3.22)" (1997)
Dr. Doug Ross: I saw your belly-button ring is infected. What did you do, a do-it-yourself with a rusty nail?
Charlie Chiemingo: I don't feel so good.
Dr. Doug Ross: Yeah, well, we pumped your stomach. Found more chemicals in there than a toxic waste dump.

[Doug and Anna are on the streets looking for Charlie]
Dr. Anna Del Amico: That kid with the wild hair saw Charlie yesterday. Said this guy Tommy's usually around, but she hasn't seen him tonight. Heard he and Charlie scored some hash and a good squat.
Dr. Doug Ross: Anything else?
Dr. Anna Del Amico: Uh, yeah, that 15-year-old with leather pants said she'd do you for nothing.
Dr. Doug Ross: Well, that's something...

"ER: You Bet Your Life (#3.18)" (1997)
Dr. Doug Ross: You can get through my door.
Carol Hathaway: Anything wearing a bra can get through your door.

Dr. Doug Ross: You do things for people that doctors don't even think about doing.
Dr. Maggie Doyle: [Enters] Carol? This guy in the hall needs a clean-up. He just did a major "Code Brown."
Carol Hathaway: You're right. I wipe butts.

"ER: The Match Game (#2.17)" (1996)
Jerry Markovic: Hot date?
Dr. Mark Greene: Just a couple of single guys hanging out.
Dr. Doug Ross: So, we'll leave around 8 o'clock for a 9 o'clock set?
Jerry Markovic: You know, I'm not doing anything tonight.
Dr. Doug Ross: Really, Jerry? Good, because there's a great game on TV.

Dr. Peter Benton: On my count. One, two...
Dr. Doug Ross: Buckle my shoe and kiss my ass.

"ER: The Secret Sharer (#2.8)" (1995)
Dr. Mark Greene: So you can't take the fact that I'm your boss?
Dr. Doug Ross: Typically narcistic of you, Mark. I can't take the fact that anyone's my boss.

"ER: Friendly Fire (#4.3)" (1997)
Dr. Doug Ross: I didn't flirt with her.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: No, no, she asked you out for a drink because she likes the way you hold an ice pack.

"ER: Whose Appy Now? (#3.14)" (1997)
Nurse Wendy Goldman: This pamphlet says that 40% of all doctors don't wash their hands between patients.
Dr. Doug Ross: No kidding.
Nurse Wendy Goldman: Yeah. And medical personnel pick their noses on average of three times an hour. And many interns only bathe twice a week -
Dr. Doug Ross: [interrupting] Wendy, there's a limit on how well-informed I want to be.

"ER: Post Mortem (#3.12)" (1997)
Dr. Doug Ross: How's your head? Any confusion?
Charlie Chiemingo: Yeah. What year is it? December '95, according to this hot magazine you gave me. Did you know that Michael and Lisa Marie are splitting up?

"ER: Ambush (#4.1)" (1997)
Carol Hathaway: Actually, it's a myth about doctors and nurses dating so much. I know more nurses who date cops, fireman, paramedics...
[Doug comes from behind and cracks his neck and everyone laughs]
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm sorry, I need a nurse in three.
Carol Hathaway: What
Carol Hathaway: ?
Dr. Doug Ross: Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do.
[With a Ricky Ricardo accent]
Dr. Doug Ross: What's all this about cops and firemen?
Carol Hathaway: Huh, jealous?
Dr. Doug Ross: Jealous! I just want to know what you're doing for them that you're not doing for me?
Carol Hathaway: Ooh, I'll tell you later if you bring the cuffs.
Dr. Doug Ross: I thought I was going to get some sleep tonight.
Carol Hathaway: Don't count on it.

"ER: A Miracle Happens Here (#2.10)" (1995)
Carol Hathaway: On the twelfth day of Christmas, / my true love gave to me... uhhh...
[all the other ER docs enter and start singing]
Dr. Doug Ross: Twelve tone deaf doctors.
Dr. Mark Greene: Eleven lords a-lording.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Ten drummers drumming.
Dr. John Carter: Nine something something.
Nurse Lydia Wright: Eight maids a-milking.
Malik: Seven swans a-swatting.
Harper: Six geese a-gagging.
Everyone: Five golden rings. four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

"ER: Night Shift (#3.11)" (1997)
Charlie Chiemingo: You're a creep, you know that?
Dr. Doug Ross: Yep.
Charlie Chiemingo: A creep and a pervert!
Charlie Chiemingo: That's right! This doctor made me go down on him! He gave me VD, he got me pregnant, and now he wants me to pay for the abortion! Child molester!
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Lovely girl.

"ER: Exodus (#4.15)" (1998)
Carol Hathaway: What if the elevator moves? You could get killed!
Dr. Doug Ross: Well, then you won't have to worry about a commitment.
Carol Hathaway: Doug, I'm serious!

"ER: Men Plan, God Laughs (#1.22)" (1995)
Dr. Mark Greene: What's Benton doing?
John Carter: Out looking for Dr. Dyer. It's about his mother though. Figures if he can't make her better then he'll fix everything else.
Dr. Doug Ross: Carter, I think you took one too many Psych classes.

"ER: Do One, Teach One, Kill One (#2.3)" (1995)
Dr. Doug Ross: What can I say about Mark Greene that hasn't already been said? I think everybody knows how he overcame adversity as a child of Quakers, his years in exile, his political writings and limericks, his mod period with the turtlenecks, his blue period, and of course, his ruthless march to power and the silencing of his rivals.

"ER: Homeless for the Holidays (#3.10)" (1996)
[Dr. Ross is in the cafeteria buying lunch for him and Charlie]
Dr. Doug Ross: Alright, both of these, plus the three danish, the two packets of cocoa, and the two dinner rolls she's got in her pocket.

"ER: Gut Reaction (#4.18)" (1998)
Dr. Doug Ross: Do you think of me as diplomatic?
Nurse Carol Hathaway: What does that have to do with it?
Dr. Doug Ross: Answer the question.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Well, it's not the first word that springs to mind, no.
Dr. Doug Ross: What would the first word be that springs to mind?
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Um, stubborn. Opinionated. Insouciant.
Dr. Doug Ross: Insouciant?
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Look it up.

"ER: A Bloody Mess (#4.17)" (1998)
[notices blood on the floor]
Dr. Doug Ross: Reminds me of "Carrie". The movie, not the attending.

"ER: 24 Hours (#1.1)" (1994)
Dr. Peter Benton: [the regular ER doctors are watching new med student John Carter wait nervously at the desk] Oh, man, would you look at this?
Dr. Mark Greene: Huh. That's the first tailored white coat I've ever seen.
Dr. Peter Benton: Isn't he lovely.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Lovely.
Dr. Mark Greene: Think he knows anything?
Dr. Doug Ross: He knows how to dress.
Dr. Peter Benton: Well, he's my student. I'll find out.

"ER: It's Not Easy Being Greene (#2.13)" (1996)
Dr. Doug Ross: Boy, are you arrogant! There's you and the Pope. You guys are infallible. And then there's the rest of us.
Dr. Mark Greene: Well, as of today, the Pope's on his own.

"ER: And Baby Makes Two (#2.5)" (1995)
Harper Tracy: What do you do after a day like today?
Dr. Doug Ross: I tend to drink, but I'm not the best role model.

"ER: When the Bough Breaks (#4.4)" (1997)
Dr. Mark Greene: Doug, have you seen Carol?
Dr. Doug Ross: Yeah, about 5'6", pretty, packs an attitude.

"ER: Ghosts (#3.5)" (1996)
Charlie Chiemingo: Where's my treat?
Dr. Doug Ross: You know what? We're all out.
Charlie Chiemingo: Can I get a couple of condoms?
Dr. Doug Ross: How old are you?
Charlie Chiemingo: Eighteen.
Dr. Doug Ross: Yeah? Why don't you come back when you're 15.
Charlie Chiemingo: Screw it. My dates don't like 'em anyway.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Wait, what's your name?
Charlie Chiemingo: Charlie.
Dr. Doug Ross: Charlie, you working the streets?
Charlie Chiemingo: What do you think?
Dr. Doug Ross: I think that you're at risk for, uh, AIDS.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Charlie, where are you living?
Charlie Chiemingo: [sarcastically] In a penthouse on Lakeshore Drive.

"ER: Ground Zero (#4.6)" (1997)
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Hey, how many patients do you think we see in the hospital every year?
Dr. Doug Ross: Too many.

"ER: Calling Dr. Hathaway (#3.19)" (1997)
[Jerry is setting up a mousetrap]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry Markovic: I saw a mouse by the elevator. Soon to be deceased.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Sounds like Heidi.
Dr. Doug Ross: You know this mouse?

"ER: Obstruction of Justice (#4.9)" (1997)
[about Kerry]
Nurse Carol Hathaway: What's up with her?
Dr. Doug Ross: The crown is weighing heavily on the queen's head.

"ER: Into That Good Night (#1.5)" (1994)
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Doug. They called from Neonatal if you want to take a look at the Niemeyer preemie. He's gonna be okay.
Dr. Doug Ross: God smiled on him.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: Since when do you believe in God?
Dr. Doug Ross: Well, I've been contemplating my insignificance in the universe.
Nurse Carol Hathaway: I thought you were the center of the universe.
Dr. Doug Ross: Not always.

"ER: Fortune's Fools (#3.13)" (1997)
Dr. Mark Greene: How many people know about me and Chuny Marquez?
Dr. Doug Ross: Including the cleaning crew?

"ER: Full Moon, Saturday Night (#1.20)" (1995)
Dr. William 'Wild Willy' Swift: A patient presents to ER, ptosis, myosis and hydrosis. Dr. Ross, what does that bring to mind?
Dr. Doug Ross: The Osis sisters. I dated the short one.

"ER: ER Confidential (#1.9)" (1994)
[Ross is a pediatrician]
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm not a grown-up doctor.
Nurse Lydia Wright: Yes, we know.

"ER: Vanishing Act (#5.4)" (1998)
Jeanie Boulet: You need some help.
Dr. Doug Ross: Okay. Take rashes.
Jeanie Boulet: I was thinking something more permanent.
Dr. Doug Ross: Allergies?