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Quotes for
Mable "Madea" Simmons (Character)
from Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)

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Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
Madea: [talking to Helen] You can get it one of two ways. You can get it from his checking account voluntarily, or his insurance policy. Involuntary manslaughter. Which one is it gon' be?

Madea: [Helen throws money in Charles' face] Girl, you're crazy as hell.

Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.
Madea: Say one more thing, Joe.
[click of gun]
Madea: Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?

Brenda: I know Tae Kwan Do.
Madea: And I know whoop your ass.

Madea: Love is stronger than any addiction, baby; hell, it *is* one.

Brenda: What the - Who are you?
Madea: Who you?
Brenda: I'm the owner of this house.
Madea: [buzzer sound] Wrong answer. My granddaughter Helen is the owner of THIS house! You da hoe, you aint got no power or no deed.
Brenda: [notices one or her ruined clothes] Did you do this? This is Vera Wang!
Madea: Who dat is? She do nails? I need to get my nails did.
Brenda: That's it! I'm calling the police.
Madea: I aint scared a no po po. Call da po po hoe. Call da po po hoe!

Joe: Who dat is at the door?
Madea: Shutup Joe I got this.
Joe: I'm gettin' tired of all these people comin' ova here late at night, I'ma hafta put my foot down.
Madea: Kunta Kinte put his foot down and it got chopped off. now shut the hell up and go back to sleep.

Myrtle: "Peace be still." That's what he said.
Madea: Well, peace always comes with still...
[takes out gun]
Madea: 'cause I keeps me a piece o' steel.

Madea: Every time I try to read the Bible... and Jesus... the one with all the words in red... I open my Bible to that New Testimony and see all that red and I just give up. Jesus was talkin' way too much.

Madea: Mmmhmm... How long you do that fo'?
Helen: Eighteen years.
Madea: Okay.
[pulls out a calculator]
Madea: Let's see how much he owes ya then.
[types a bunch of numbers while she speaks]
Madea: Eighteen years. Cooking. Cleaning. Havin' sex wit him when he wanted it, was it good?
Helen: [shakes head in disgust] No.
Madea: *Major* deduction.

Brenda: If I call the cops, they will be here in *ten* minutes.
Madea: Good. Then that give me nine to beat the hell outta you.

Madea: Who is
[stares at a tag on a blouse and tries to pronounce it]
Madea: Dol-say and gab-anna, who 'dat is?

Madea: Rip it.
Helen: Rip it?
Madea: Rip it.
Helen: Rip it.
Madea: Rip it. Rip it.
Helen: Rip it. Rip it.
Madea: Rip it.
Helen: Rip it.
Madea: Rip it real good. Rip it.
Helen: Wait a minute. What is this going to solve?
Madea: Nothing. It's just gonna make you feel better.

Madea: [speaking to Myrtle] I'll be at church when they get a smoking section.

Madea: [after typing a bunch of numbers on the calculator, carelessly] Girl, that man owe you 64 billion, 283 million, 974 trillion, 5 thousand, and 20 dollars and 82 cents.

Helen: He put me out of the house.
Madea: Who house?
Helen: Our house.
Madea: Exactly, how's a man throw a woman out of her own house? No man would ever do that to me, he'd put me out half of the house, I'll go live in the other half.

Helen: [after seeing Debrah] What happened to her?
Madea: Life.

Madea: Half of everything in this house belongs to her, which half you want? You want this half or you want this half?
[cuts into the couch with a chainsaw]

Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seeing your aunt.
Madea: Getting tired of seeing you

Myrtle: I found out a long time ago that God can take care of me far better than you can.
Madea: God takes too long sometimes for me, I got to get got then.

Madea: I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn't even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral.
Helen: Why were you so mad at him?
Madea: Because he hit me. Yes he hit me... and I didn't even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he's 8 feet under.
Myrtle: 6 feet, that's how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under.
Madea: That's what I'm trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.

Brenda: I know tae kwon do!
Madea: and I know whoop yo oss!
[hears Charles and Helen arguing downstairs!]
Madea: Oh hell no!
[Runs and smacks Brenda in the back of the head]
Brenda: Yeah, you better keep runnin'!

Bailiff: Your honor, Case #456790: The People Vs. Mabel Simmons & Helen McCarter - Criminal trespassing, Reckless endangerment, Criminal possession of a handgun, Assault with a deadly weapon, Suspended license, Expired registration, Reckless driving, and a broken tailight.
Madea: [to Helen] Girl, I know it ain't who I think it is.
Judge Ephriam: [turning cross] I know you didn't say Mabel Simmons. Madea?
Madea: How you doin', uh, Judge Mablean? It's good to see - Ooh, your hair's pretty. Girl, look at you. You're lookin' good. How you been? Hey...
Judge Ephriam: [angry] You're still at it?
Madea: This ain't even my fault. See, what happened was...
Judge Ephriam: [cuts her off] Just save it! Who's here for the defense?
[Brian, Madea's nephew walks into the courtroom]
Brian: Brian Simmons, on behalf of Mrs. McCarter and Mrs. Simmons, your honor.
Judge Ephriam: Brian.
Brian: How you doing, Judge Ephriam?
Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seein' your aunt.
Madea: [under her breath] Getting tired of seein' you.

Brian: It won't happen again.
Judge Ephriam: Yeah, I'll bet. Bail is set at $5,000 for Mrs. McCarter, property of cash. But as for you, Madea, I'm placing you under house arrest!
Madea: You ain't gonna put me on no house arrest, honey. I ain't gonna deal with that!
Judge Ephriam: It's either that or prison! What's your choice?
Madea: [convinced] I'll take the house arrest.

Madea Goes to Jail (2006) (V)
Madea: Okay Toni, this is your problem... Madea told Toni to go upstairs... 13 stairs... and call 10 digits to get some help with her homework. Toni said she aint doin' it, set back on the couch, folded 2 of her arms and rolled 2 of her eyes. Madea grabbed Toni by 2 of her ankles, dragged her upstairs, hitting her head on every step. How many bruises will little Toni have by the time she gets to the emergency room at Grady Hospital?

Madea: You sittin' here looking like 412 pounds... of a clogged artery.

Madea: If you don't back the hell up off me, I'ma beat you like the dude you look like!

Madea: Sonny, ain't nobody but your wife and Nate were in this house when the baby was hurt, cut his head and almost drowned in the tub, put it together.

Madea: Ella come on! Where' you at?
Ella: Right now?
Madea: Ride or die, fool! Ride or die!
[Ella comes out of the closet]
Madea: Ella!
Madea: Is she up in the closet?

Madea: [to Toni] I'm gonna set you back a few years, I used to play this game with Cora, more parents need to play this game with their kids. Young kids acting the hell out of control...
[empties her bag of belts]
Madea: We're gonna play a game called 'tear that ass up!'

Pete: Katie, you know Toni, that daughter of ours, she's been filling out really nice, and she only lives 2 blocks from me.
Madea: Not anymore, she done moved.

Chico: Where is my meal?
Madea: I know you can't read but that sign say "Do not feed the monkeys".

Toni: Hey Katie, I mean hello Mama.
Katie: Mama? What've you been doing to my daughter?
Madea: I've been tearing that ass up. You know, I don't know what's wrong with folks, ain't anything wrong with these kids, they just need some love and support and discipline. I see people taking in foster kids just to get money off of them, you need to watch how you treat these kids. I don't know who I'm talking to, but there's a lady in this section somewhere, watch how you treat them.

Madea: Judges got a real attitude with me, they took me to the judge and he said "I'm sick of seeing you", I said "I'm sick of seeing you too". He said "Don't be getting smart with me", I said "I've been smart, I'm just getting here". He said "Say one more thing", I said "Go to hell", he said "Go to jail".

Madea: It don't matter what people call you. It only matters what you answer to.

Madea: [to Sonny] I told your mama to let you ride the little bus, she said 'he don't belong on the little bus' I said 'well tell him its a SUV, he needs to be on the little bus'. I went over there one day and he came to the door wearing a helmet, a diaper, cowboy boots, eating Cap'n Crunch out of a bowl with no milk.
Ella: How old was he?
Madea: 28.

Madea: Who I am is conflicting with this dress I have on.

Katie: You know some people just take foster children in to get money from the state.
Madea: They pay you?
Katie: Mm-hmm.
Madea: [considers it] No, no, the only thing that money would be good for is bail.

Madea: I knew a woman who was married to a man for 38 years, she cheated on him for 42 years, and he died thinking he was the only one.

Madea: Hold up Hold up let me sign out. Go. To. Hell.

Madea: [Beeper goes off] That they gotta check you.
Ella: Check me?
Madea: Yeah, go on head and spread em.
[Ella slightly spreads her legs apart]
Madea: Ella. Spread them.
Ella: I did!
Madea: That's spread Ella? Drop it like its hot.
Ella: Madea I don't want to do that in front of all these people.
[Ella does the splits]
Ella: There ya go, spread that, check that.

Madea: [to Vanessa after smacking her on the side of the head] I don't like you! Say somethin' else smart to me!

Chico: Excuse me! But where is my food!
Madea: I know you cant read. But that sign say "Do Not Feed The Monkeys"

Sonny: [in a funk after Vanessa left him] I just don't... What am I supposed to do now?
Madea: You got to go on with your life. It's all right to sit around and be depressed for a minute, cry about it, do whatever you have to but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. You know what? This is what I learned in all these years on this earth. If somebody want to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO. Especially if you know that you done everything you can do. You done sat around and been the best man or the best woman you can be and they still want to go, let them go. Whatever they're running after, they'll see what they had in a minute, but by then it's gonna be too late. 'Cuz you'll sit there and you'll go... Because half of these people, you be sitting around crying about it, worrying about it and then two or three years from now you ain't even gonna remember their last name. How many times you done see folks somewhere and you be like 'What the hell was I thinking? I done been there, I was like what was wrong with me? What was I going through? I must have been lonely as hell to hook up with you'. Let folks go, Sonny. Some people'll come in your life for a lifetime, and some'll come for a season. You got to know which is which. And you're gonna always mess up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. They got people that got married to people they was only supposed to be with for a season and they wonder why they're having so much hell in their life. That was the person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love and now you wonder why you don't have no peace anywhere you go. No, noooo! Listen, I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. If the wind blows, they're over here, they're unstable. Blow the other way, they're over here. if seasons change, they wither and die, they're gone. But that's alright, that's some people. Most people in the world are like that. They're just there to take from the tree, they ain't there to do nothing but take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. They ain't never gonna be nothing, that's what they put on this earth for, to be what they are: A LEAF. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too because they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think that they're a good friend and they're real strong. But the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and they'll leave you high and dry. But if you find two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree, you are blessed because they're the kind of people who ain't going nowhere. They ain't worried about being seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they're doing for you. But if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live, you understand? A tree can have a hundred million branches but only a few roots down at the bottom to make sure it gets everything they need. I'm telling you, Sonny, when you get you some roots, you better hold on to them because the rest of them, you let them go. Let folks go!
Sonny: Aunt Madea, it's not always that easy.
Madea: Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy, but it will get easy when you learn how to love yourself. When you get to a point in your life where you look at people and you go 'Okay wait a minute. You or me?', you will make a decision. When you telling folks to do something... Now I've never thrown nobody away, I've never in my life just thrown anybody away saying 'Don't bother me no more, don't talk to me no more', I've never done that. What I DO is tell them, 'Look, this thing you doing right here is gonna cause a problem. You need to fix that because if we're gonna be friends and gonna be cool, you need to fix that. And if you don't, we're gonna have an issue'. If you see somebody fix it or even trying to fix it, that's somebody that cares. Keep those people around, that's a leaf that's trying to grow up and be something else. But if you tell somebody 'What you're doing is hurting me and I need you to stop' and they keep doing it, they don't care. Move on, let them go! No matter how much it hurts, let them go. And it'll get easier, I promise you. Every day, it'll get easier and easier and easier, you just have to make it through. You hear me, Sonny?
Sonny: Yeah.
Madea: You see, some people just gotta learn to be by themselves. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand all these people crying about 'I need somebody. Lord, where is my man, Lord where is my woman'. That is crazy as hell! If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it! SHUT UP AND WAIT! Go work on YOU! Hell, that's what that time is for, to get YOURSELF together! I'd rather be in a corner by myself with a puppy and a goldfish and be happy than to be sitting around with somebody in my house and wondering what the hell they there for. You will be surprised with the things that people put up with just to have somebody say that they love them. I don't understand that! I can't live in dysfunction, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I done been through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up in my adult life where I'm supposed to be at peace and give me all sorts of hell. There's only two places on earth that you're gonna have peace: the grave and your house. If you can't walk up in your house and you ain't got no peace, then something's wrong. I'm sorry. People be rebuking Satan, I'll be rebuking Satan and beating the hell out of everything that's up in there until they get out. 'I'm sorry, you gots to go. This is mine'. You hear me, Sonny?
Sonny: Yeah, I hear you, Madea.
Madea: You better hear me, That's for sure!

Madea's Family Reunion (2006)
[from trailer]
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Now listen up!
Boy on School Bus: Shut up, old lady!
[Madea jumps to him and continually slaps him]
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Balls up her fist] I'll be waiting for you at three o'clock!
[Points at him]

Judge Ephriam: You're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I'll take prison for 200, Alex.

Judge Ephriam: Bryan, does she watch your kids?
Brian Simmons: Oh, she's actually really good, she's a big diciplinarian though, but uh... they have a lot of respect for her.
Judge Ephriam: Really?
[Looks over at Nikki]
Judge Ephriam: Stand up Nikki.
[Nikki stands up]
Judge Ephriam: Mable Simmons, since you can't seem to act like you have any sense except when you're caring for somebody, meet Nikki Grady. You're her new foster mother.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: The hell I am! I dont - huh! - hell naw! It's a reason why god put a woman through menopause, I'm past 60... you know what that means? After that time you're not supposed to be bogged with no kids. I'm sorry, I will kill that lil girl... I don't know her...
Nikki: So, You ugly anyway, old lady!
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: She tryna get me the electric chair already.
Judge Ephriam: Either you're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I'll take the prison for 200, Alex. Lock me up, hell, I'd rather be in Martha Stewart's old cell fightin' for my *virginity* than to be sittin' there dealin' with this.
Brian Simmons: She'll be a great foster mother, your honor.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I told you, you don't know how to lie. What kinda lawyer don't know how to lie? Lie and lawyer go together lie-awyer... lie-awyer!

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today?

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Aunt Ruby's 96 years old, she needs to see her family.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Madea his Nikki with a belt] Why wasn't you at school today?
Nikki: I went to the park.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Why'd you go to the park? You need to be going to schoolhouse.
Nikki: I'm not smart.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Who told you that?
Nikki: My last foster mother, she said that the only thing I'd ever be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
Joe: Is her name Jennifer? I know Jennifer, that's what she does all the time.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Shut up Joe,
[to Nikki]
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: the best revenge you can get on a person who tells you something like that, is to prove them wrong.
Joe: Best way to get revenge on someone like that is to kick their butt.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: What do you want to be?
Nikki: I want to be a lawyer.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: That's good, I might need you to get me off, after I kill him, Murder One.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [to Nikki about Joe] Go help that thing find its shoes so we can get out of here.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [advice to Vanessa and Lisa about what to do with a bad man] Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe. Did that thing just push you?
Joe: Sho did. She don't know about us. We Baptist. We tear this place up.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ig'nant.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. No, that wasn't me.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe, did that thing just push you?
Joe: Sho' did. She don't know about us, we Baptist. We tear this place up.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here! I will do a drive-by in this church... she don't know me! You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ignorant...
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: ...She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug... I shot Tupac! Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. That wasn't me.

Carlos: Can we have a moment alone?
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: In my house? Hell no!

Joe: I was hoping they would lock you the hell up.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: The only thing locked up around here is your bowels. Now shut the hell up.

Joe: We don't want it. Return to sender
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I remember I sent you somewere too and you came back with something. It still itching?
Joe: Yo' momma. Aw hell that's my momma too

Vanessa: [with Lisa] A friend of ours is being beaten by her husband and we want to know what we should do.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Before or after his funeral?

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Look girl I'm done told you already to stop poppin' that gum!
Nikki: Look! If you touch me, I'm gonna call 911!
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: My daughter tried that. I hit her so hard she dialed 919!
[turns around and starts hitting Nikki]
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: . Put that seatbelt on! You better put that seat belt on right now!
[turns back around with hair and glasses messed up]

Madea Goes to Jail (2009)
Madea: Hell to the yeah!

Madea: I'm Madea! Ma to the damn D-E-A!

Madea: [to Mr. Brown] God don't like you... He grew you in a petri dish!

Dr. Phil: What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need that you gotta "get" somebody all the time?
Madea: Well when you gettin' "got" and somebody done "got" you and you go "get" them, when you get 'em everybody's gon' get got.
Dr. Phil: Yea but you're gettin' the gotters when they didn't do anything to even get you.
Madea: Yea but if the gotters get me I'm gonna get my glock.

Madea: Cora do me a favor.
Cora: What?
Madea: Put the shut, to the up. Okay? Shut to the up.

Cora: I'm having some me time.
Madea: Did I ask you for some me time? Did I ever ask you for anything? I never asked you for nothing!

Big Sal: Just shut up & let her talk!
Madea: Thank you, Biggie Smalls!

Madea: [car behind her is honking] I don't know what you blowing at me for but keep blowing.

Madea: [about how sweet T.T. is] What're you in here for, stealing flowers? What'd you do, steal candy from the girl scouts?
T.T.: I murdered 18 men.

Madea: You're in here going on about what your daddy did to you. Your daddy is out there enjoying his life while you're in prison. You're here because of what YOU did.

Madea: He had to make it drizzle 'cause he couldn't make it rain.

T.T.: [pulls out a box of brownies] TADA! Brownies for my brownie! I made them myself.
Madea: Yeah, what do you mean "brownies for my brownie"? You trying to call me black or somethin'?

Joe: You ain't gotta drive nowhere to get food. I know a place where you can get fed three meals a day for free.
Madea: I ain't listening to none of your crazy talk right now, Joe.
Joe: I ain't joking here, now. I know a place where you can go work, and they gonna treat you real nice, and give you three meals a day!
Madea: What the hell you talking about? Where?
Joe: Down there at the Georgia Aquarium, they had one of the whales die. You can just go on down there and swim around for a while, and they'll feed you.
Madea: Just keep on laughing you rusty old bastard.

Madea: [from trailer] Did you see Basic Instinct?
Madea: This isn't that kind of a movie.

Madea: [looking at Cora's WWJD bracelet] What's that stand for, What's Wrong with Jermaine Dupri?
Cora: No, What Would Jesus Do?
Madea: Jesus didn't have no car, Cora.

Madea: I don't understand why people want to be a victim. Your mama did this, your daddy did that. All they had to do was give you life and however good or however bad it was, now it's up to YOU to make something of it.

I Can Do Bad All by Myself (2002) (V)
Vianne: Madea, go to your room and close the door!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: This a play, there ain't no room or door!

Mable "Madea" Simmons: Can't take my car, the helicopters got my license number, I gotta stay hid out.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: How about this? You bury your dog in the backyard, that way every Christmas and New Year's Eve you can go and put bones and flowers on his grave and be with him.
Leroy Brown: Flowers? That sounds like a good idea.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [singing] I'm a big fine woman, can I back it up, can I back it up?

Vianne: He can't be coming in here like that, it's rude.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: That's not rude, before you and him moved in here I used to walk around naked, that's rude.

Maylee: I was up all night chanting, and chanting and chanting and...
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Is that what all that bonyayaya-bonyayaya-bonyayaya was? If I'd known that was you I would've come in there and bon-yayaya'd you upside your head.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [to Keisha who's 14 and pregnant] I told you to lock down on a boy, clink clink. But it's allright, you gonna pay for having that baby every day of your life, you're gonna finish school, you're gonna take care of that baby, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna put that baby in daycare. If you're old enough to lay there and make it you're old enough to stand there and raise it.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [to Vianne] Sex will get you dinner and a movie, holding out will get you cars and jewels and houses.

Vianne: Madea, it's Aunt Myrtle!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Who?
Vianne: Aunt Myrtle!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Who?
Vianne: Aunt Myrtle!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Who?
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Who?
Vianne: [into the phone] She's up there being a hoo owl.

Leroy Brown: [to Madea, after he found his dog dead] Madea, you better be glad that I'm saved or I would just stab you in your heart!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: [Madea goes upstairs and comes back down with her purse full of guns] Come on stab me! I want you to stab me! Come on and stab me!

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [referring to Mr. Brown] He's too saved.
Vianne: What's wrong with him being saved?
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Nothing wrong with being saved, I say he's *too* saved. He's so saved you can't say nothing to him. You ask him how you doing, he says "Praise the Lord!". You say it's a nice day, he says "Thank you Jesus!" You ever called his house?
Vianne: No.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: His answering machine says "We're not in right now, hallelujah, praise the Lord, thank you Jesus, glory to God. Leave a message at the sanctified beep. If this is a bill collector, we rebuke you in the name of Jesus!"

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [Picks up the phone and dials the number while panicking] Hello? is this the zoo? We got one of your monkeys over here.

Madea's Family Reunion (2002) (V)
Mable "Madea" Simmons: [to Cora] Whoever heard of putting a bra on a dead body? When I die... if you put a bra on me I'll come back and kill you.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [about Cora] She was a big baby, it was like trying to pass a Cadillac, I almost named her Escalade.
Jackie: Escalade?

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [singing] Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top, we're going to the clinic to find out who was on top.

Leroy Brown: Mable You Look, Ooh, Mable You Look, You Look Like A Fat Energizer Bunny
Mable "Madea" Simmons: And Brown you look, you look, you look like a rotten fruit roll-up.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [to Ronnie] You put a hand on her, I'm going to jail.

Tina: When you going back to work, cuz I need my money.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: What you talking about?
Tina: [to Jackie] Girl you stupid, you know that money you give Kevin every week for his child support, baby that money comes to me, I'm the baby's mama!
Jackie: What're you talking about?
Tina: This is Kevin's baby, add it up, she 7 months, add 9 to that and you'll see that I got pregnant right around the time that y'all got married.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [to Tina's baby] You's a ugly little baby, yes you is.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: [about her sister, Irene who died] She slept with my husband and I hope she on a slow boat to Hell.

Cora: [Madea holds the baby's middle and lets the head drop] Hold her head!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: This a crack baby, can't nothing hurt her.
[bumps the baby's head against the house siding]
Cora: Ow! Madea!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: She allright, she ain't crying, she ain't crying.

Leroy Brown: [Brown comes out with only a towel and a shower cap on] Mable? Where Mable at? Mable?
Cora: Mr. Brown! Calm down!
Leroy Brown: Ain't no calm you ain't go be shootin at my dog again! Mable!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown what the?
[Madea laughs continuously]
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown what the hell is wrong with you get out my yard. I don't know who got alzheimer's you or your wife? You look a mess! Get the hell outta my yard
Leroy Brown: You better stop messin-
[gets cut off by madea]
Mable "Madea" Simmons: You better get the hell outta my yard monkey!
Leroy Brown: You know what! Imma call the police on you!
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Do i look like I'm scared of the po po Brown? Call the po po, I aint scared of the po po!
Leroy Brown: You got one more time you big ol nasty whale.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: You the one standing there lookin like a BIG BLACK SEAL.
[Starts making seal noises]
Leroy Brown: Mable, you better not fool wit my dog again. Take this boot and bust you upside yo head wit it.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Thats a baoot in ya hand I thought it was your arm!
[Madea starts laughing continuously]
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown, you so black I would shoot ya but your skin just teflon, ain't no bullet go get through it.
Leroy Brown: You ain't got now another time.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Just get the hell outta my yard you pig in a blanket! Go put some lotion on them knee caps!
Leroy Brown: Ain't nuttin' wrong with my knees, you stink anyway.
Mable "Madea" Simmons: You the one that's mursty - I can smell you over here.

Mable "Madea" Simmons: Cora, these gifts pertain to the wedding night. Gifts pertain to the wedding night.
Cora: Yes, Yes
Mable "Madea" Simmons: See thats why I ain't pay for no highly paid stripper cuz they wouldnt know what to do. These gifts pertain to the wetting night you understand?
Cora: Yes
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Bachelorette parties, get those kinds of gifts, understand?
Cora: Yes
Mable "Madea" Simmons: Ok, now why did you buy her a Holy Bible?

Mable "Madea" Simmons: See this
[Touches her dress]
Mable "Madea" Simmons: ? Cotton. This
[Touches Vickie's jacket]
Mable "Madea" Simmons: . A mess. This
[Touches Vickie's hair]
Mable "Madea" Simmons: . Synthetic. Learn ya fabrics baby, learn ya fabrics.

Madea's Class Reunion (2003) (V)
Diana Massey: So, how can you tell if a man is cheating on you?
Madea: You think your man cheatin on you?
Diana Massey: Yes I do...
Madea: That's how you can tell.

Madea: What is wrong with all these black celebrities these days? Diana Ross allegedly drinking and driving. Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson says he's Peter Pan.
Cora: That's what he said.
Madea: This is what his kids look like.
[covers her face with a cloth napkin and kicks]

Woman at Hotel: You probably go around writing bad checks everywhere? Do you hear me, you little bad lady?
Madea: [shoots round from pistol] Nah, do you hear me? Do you hear me?

Cora: You can't do that to her, she's my boss!
Madea: She can't fire you if she's dead.

Madea: If you tell a man that you're going to call 911 and he backs off, that's a man who beats up on women cuz he's scared to beat up a man. But if you tell him you're going to call 911 and he says he'll call them for you, run. That's a crazy man who will beat up a woman or a man and you run out of there no matter what you gotta do, even if you're naked you get away from him as fast as you can.

Madea: Where were you today, Penny? Didn't I tell you to come home from school today? I called Willona and Florida and Thelma and nobody knows where you at, where were you today, Penny? WHERE WERE YOU?
Ann: I was with J.J.!

Madea: Why are you using all these big words? The check bounced is that what you trynna say? Well say that say the check bounced.
Ann: The check bounced.
Madea: Well bounce it back.

Madea: Oooh is that a coach? No that's a catch but that's nice!

I Can Do Bad All by Myself (2009)
Joe: Mabel? What the hell wrong with you? You don't be coming...
Madea: Wake the Hell up.
Joe: You about to give me a heart attack.You too ugly to be waking somebody up in the middle of night, I told you that.You gotta ease that ugly up on people. You can't just show it to them all at once.

Madea: What's going on with you?
Jennifer: My grandma died.
Madea: Aw I'm sorry to hear that, baby.
Jennifer: My Aunt April's gonna send us back to foster care. They gonna separate us. I'm all Manny and Byron got. If we separate, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Madea: Calm yourself down, honey. Calm down. Getting all worked up.
Jennifer: Can we stay with you?
Madea: Huh?
Jennifer: Nobody wants us!
Madea: That ain't true. Somebody wants you.
Jennifer: I'm only 16. I don't know how to handle all this!
Madea: Living takes a lifetime. You got a whole lot more living to do, honey. You gonna make it. Hush, now. Gotta keep getting up every day, one day at a time. You'll make it.

Jennifer: My Grandma Rose used to tell us to pray about things like this.
Madea: Then that's what you ought to do, pray about it, talk to the Lord about it. He'll help you.
Jennifer: Yeah but she only told us to pray. She never told us how. Would you teach me?
Madea: Huh?
Jennifer: Please!
Madea: Show you how to pray?
Jennifer: Yeah.
Madea: Oh, Lord, child, I ain't talked to God since the last time I saw a cop in my rearview mirror. I guess I can try. You know the number?
Jennifer: The what?
Madea: The number. To call him. They say, "Jesus On the Mainline." I don't know the number. Okay, sit back. Bow your head. First, giving honor to God, to the head of my life.
Madea: Father, I stretch my hand... to thee. Father God. God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. God of Shadrach, Meshach and the billy goat, who was in the fiery furnace that they barbecued on the day of Pentecost when the Jewish people returned from the Sabbath day up on the mountaintop in Ethiopia. God of Mary J. Blige...
Jennifer: Madea, that doesn't sound right. That's not how Mama Rose used to do it.
Madea: You ain't feel it? You ain't feel the anointing?
Jennifer: No.
Madea: Alright. Well, look, I don't know nothing about praying. But all praying is is talking to God and having a conversation with him. And at the end, you say the name of Jesus. That's your stamp that will get it up there to him. You hear?
Jennifer: Okay.

Madea: You know who you remind me of right now? You remind me of Peter. You know who Peter was? Peter was one of the twelve disciplines. And they were out on a boat near an isle in the Greek Atlantic Ocean. And when they was on this boat, a storm rose up and the twelve disciplines, they got really, really worried and upset. They said, "Oh Lord, what are we gonna do?" and they saw something coming towards them that looked like a ghost. But it wasn't a ghost. It was Jesus. And Peter said, "Jesus, if that's you then let me come out to you." You gotta be careful what you ask the Lord for. So Jesus said, "Come on out." So Peter stepped out of the boat and was walking on the water.
Jennifer: He was walking on water?
Madea: On the water. He was walking on the water toward Jesus. Long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he stayed on top of the water. He took his eyes off him though. You know why? He got distracted. You know why he got distracted? See, this is what you got to do. When you got your eye on Jesus, you can't get distracted by nothing. Jonah passed by in the belly of the whale. He looked down, Free Willy, with Jonah inside the belly and it made him distracted so he started to sink. He said, "Jesus, Jesus, help me." Jesus said, "I can't. I got to go to Calvary. I'm late." So Jesus went on to the cross. He said, "Don't worry though. I'm gonna send you a comforter. When the comforter come, you gonna be alright." So he's swimming. He try and swim. He was worried. And Jaws was coming. Spielberg did that Jaws thing. And he was surrounded. You know what happened?
Jennifer: What?
Madea: Just in the nick of time... See this is what I'm talking about, when you think you ain't gonna make it, in the nick of time, something happens. Noah came up in the arch. That's right, Noah came rowing up in the arch of St. Louis Arch. He pulled right up beside him. Peter got on there, he said, "Thank you for saving me." Noah said, "No problem, man. It's cool. What up, fool?" So he showed him around. Noah had turned the arch into a cruise ship cause he ain't have nothing to do after he saved the world. Hey, you know who was on there? Eve.
Jennifer: Eve?
Madea: She was in the VIP section. And Peter asked, he said, "Eve, come on, go to the show." So she went to see this show. They had tigers. You know, they had two tigers, two bears, two lions. You know how they had the male and the female. Well, Siegfried and Roy was there, and they had the two lions there. And them Lions jumped up and scratched Eve. That's how Eve get them two paws there. You ever see Eve with the paws? She got two paws right there. Read your Bible some time, honey. Read your Bible.

Madea's Big Happy Family (2011)
Madea: Hey, Harold.
Harold: Hey, Ms. Madea. What's wrong with your car now?
Madea: Nothing.
Harold: For real?
Madea: Nothing's wrong with it at all, except the other day I went out there and put my foot on the gas, and the trunk opened! What the hell is that, Harold? You are triflin' as hell! I'm so tired of bringing my car up in here for you to fix, I am not bringin' it to you no more, do you understand? Not ever again. Every time I go out there in the morning, I try to start my car, do you know what happens? Do you know what happens, Harold? It don't start; I have to pray. You know God don't like me. You know He don't like me, all the hell I done did in my lifetime, you know He don't like me at all, Harold.
Harold: Alright, let me look at...
Madea: No, sit down. Do what you do best, sit down. Just stay right where you at. Just plant your ass right there in that chair. Every time I come here, you sittin' in that chair. People waitin' on their cars, you sittin' in that chair. You supposed to be changin' the oil, you sittin' in that chair. Supposed to be changin' the windshield wiper blades, you sittin' in that chair. Supposed to wash the car, you sittin' in that chair. Let me tell you something: when you die, tell them people to bury you on your stomach to give your ass a break!

Madea: See, y'all Christians is somethin'... y'all go pull out that Bible, but y'all don't know which prescripture to use for which situation. You got to find the right prescripture. There's a prescripture that says, "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so." Have you been redeemed by the Lord?
Shirley: Yes.
Madea: That's right, so if you've been redeemed by the Lord, and somebody does something to you that you don't like, even yo' kids, you can beat the hell outta them and just say, "So?" So that's what I'm'a do. I'm'a beat the hell outta them and say, "So?" And I'm'a bring them over here 'cause you've been redeemed, aight. It makes perfect sense, don't it? Halleluyer! Halleluyer!

Madea: Sit down you black leprechaun looking like you're out of a damn box of chocolate, lucky charms.

Madea's Witness Protection (2012)
Brian: Guess some other lucky person will make that $4,000 a month.
Brian, Madea: You know what? I believe it would be the greatest Christianity thing I could do to help somebody in need. So I'm gonna go ahead and make up these sheets and clean up.