FBI Agent Alan Seitz
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Quotes for
FBI Agent Alan Seitz (Character)
from Big Trouble (2002)

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Big Trouble (2002)
Alan Seitz: Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.
Pat Greer: So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?

Pat Greer: Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?
Alan Seitz: Warms the shit out of my cockles.

[Officer Monica Romero and Agent Greer are in his car, arguing about Russian bombs and missiles]
Officer Monica Romero: Where did they get that stuff?
Pat Greer: Russia.
Officer Monica Romero: Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?
Pat Greer: You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called -...
Alan Seitz: Sergijev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there.
Pat Greer: Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.
Officer Monica Romero: The bar?
Pat Greer: That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.

Alan Seitz: They have beautiful churches there. Travel Channel.

Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?

Arthur Herk: Oh, my God! She's coming to get me!
Pat Greer: The dog, Mr. Herk?
Arthur Herk: No! Her!
Pat Greer: Who?
Arthur Herk: You know! Her!
Martha Stewart: Herk, Herk, Herk! Herk!
Arthur Herk: Oh, my God, she knows my name... She knows everything! She's come to take my soul!
Pat Greer: Mr. Herk, this is important...
Arthur Herk: Please don't let her take my soul!
Pat Greer: What the hell's he talking about?
Monica Romero: I don't know.
Alan Seitz: How close did he get to that toad?
Monica Romero: Like face first.
Alan Seitz: Beufotin. Hell of a hallucination. He's gone and he's not coming back.
Martha Stewart: [growls]