Miranda Hobbes
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Quotes for
Miranda Hobbes (Character)
from "Sex and the City" (1998)

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Sex and the City (2008)
Miranda Hobbes: [at a bar, drinking Cosmopolitans] Why did we ever stop drinking these?
Carrie Bradshaw: Because everyone else started!

Miranda Hobbes: Charlotte has pudding in her Prada.

Charlotte York: I always knew she'd marry Big.
Samantha Jones: You thought that after the second break up?
Charlotte York: Yep.
Miranda Hobbes: After the fifteenth?
Carrie Bradshaw: Ha ha, we broke up a lot.

Miranda Hobbes: The only two choices for women; witch and sexy kitten.
Carrie Bradshaw: Oh you just said a mouthful there sister.

Miranda Hobbes: You two are crazy to get married. Marriage ruins everything.

Miranda Hobbes: Is it just me or is Valentine's Day on steroids this year?
Carrie Bradshaw: No it's the same, we just played for the other team.

Steve Brady: Miranda, it's still me.
Miranda Hobbes: Is it?

Samantha Jones: Jesus honey! Wax much?
Miranda Hobbes: What? My marriage is going through a rough spot. I dont have time to wax!
Samantha Jones: I could be on death row and not have that *situation*!

Miranda Hobbes: [shouting to a passionately kissing couple] Yeah, it's all so hot three days in!

Carrie Bradshaw: New York Magazine says Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.
Miranda Hobbes: Yes, but whoever wrote that lives in Brooklyn.

Miranda Hobbes: And I'm deaf.

"Sex and the City: Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys (#1.4)" (1998)
Miranda Hobbes: If he goes up your butt, will he respect you more or respect you less? That's the issue.
Taxi Driver: [to Carrie] No smoking in the cab.
Carrie: Sir, we're talking up the butt. A cigarette is in order.
Samantha Jones: Front, back, who cares? A hole is a hole.
Miranda Hobbes: Can I quote you?
Samantha Jones: Don't be so judgmental. You could use a little back door.
Charlotte: I'm not a hole.
Carrie: Honey, we know.

Carrie: Alright, so officially he's late.
Charlotte: Who?
Miranda Hobbes: Mr. Big, who else?
Charlotte: Carrie, that's great! Is it a date?
Carrie: No, he called it a "thing". He said, meet me... meet me for a drink "thing". He never used the "D" word.
Charlotte: Well, "thing" is good. I mean, "thing" comes before date.

Miranda Hobbes: Where did Skipper go?
Charlotte: I don't know how you can date that younger guy? I mean, they're so scattered and unfocused.
Miranda Hobbes: We're not dating, it's a fuck thing.

[listens to a message from Big on her answering machine]
Carrie: Oh, something came up. He's not gonna meet me. Here, will you listen to this and tell me if you can figure out whether he's not meeting me as a date, or not meeting me as a friend?
[Miranda takes the phone]
Miranda Hobbes: Alright.
Carrie: [narrating voiceover] Sometimes, you need a second opinion; with doctors, real estate... men!
[to Miranda]
Carrie: Well?
Miranda Hobbes: I have no idea. And I finished first in my litigation class.

Skipper Johnston: They stopped making Martinis, so I got us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay?
Miranda Hobbes: Well, I hate rum, and I hate Coke, but, thanks.

Carrie: Shouldn't we be dating men our own age?
Miranda Hobbes: Good luck finding one. There are no available men in their thirties in New York. Giuliani had them removed along with the homeless.
Carrie: So, then what's really going on here? I mean, is it younger, younger men feel safer?
Miranda Hobbes: What's really going on here is sex. Good old-fashioned, eager to please, do what I tell you to, Eagle Scout sex.
Carrie: Yeah, but I'm not having sex. It's a kissing thing.
Miranda Hobbes: So, what's the big deal? It's just a fling. It's not like we're throwing out our schedules or anything.

[Charlotte is trying to decide whether to have anal sex with a man she's dating]
Miranda Hobbes: It all depends . How much do you like him?
Charlotte: A lot.
Miranda Hobbes: "Dating a few months until somebody better comes along a lot", or "marrying him and moving to the East Hampton" a lot?
Charlotte: I don't know. I'm not sure.
Miranda Hobbes: Well, you better get sure real quick.
Charlotte: You're scaring me.
Carrie: Don't scare her.
Miranda Hobbes: It's all about control. If he goes up there, there's gonna be a shift in power. Either he'll have the upper hand or you will. Now there's a certain camp that believes whoever holds the dick, holds the power, but...
[Cab Driver turns around]
Miranda Hobbes: Hello! You're driving! The question is...

"Sex and the City: Three's a Crowd (#1.8)" (1998)
Shrink: [Miranda is having dreams about having not been selected for a hypothetical threesome by any of the other girls] So you're saying you are sexually attracted to your girlfriends?
Miranda: No, but if your friends won't fuck you, who will?

Charlotte York: Jack wants us to do a threesome.
Miranda: Of course he does. Every guy does.
Samantha Jones: Threesomes are huge right now. They're the blow job of the nineties.
Charlotte York: What was the blow job of the eighties?
Samantha Jones: Anal sex.
Carrie: Any sex, period.
Miranda: Don't let him pressure you into it. It's just this guy's cheap ploy to watch you be a lesbian for a night.
Samantha Jones: Don't knock it till you tried it.

Samantha Jones: [Discussing whom to call into the threesome] Just make sure that the other woman isn't a friend. Use somebody random, you know, somebody you meet in a bar or something.
Miranda: That's romantic!
Charlotte York: No, I think that I'd feel safer with a friend. With someone I could trust, like Carrie.
Carrie: Oh, gee, I'm flattered. But umm, I'd go with someone who has a little more experience, like Sam.
Samantha Jones: Well, thanks. But there is something sexy about a first-timer like Charlotte.
Charlotte York: Really?
Miranda: [feeling out of the loop] Oh great, no, forget about me.
Samantha Jones, Charlotte York, Carrie: Oh, come on!
Miranda: You know, I'd do it with you guys. It's like, it's like picking teams for dodge ball all over again.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Was Samantha right? Were threesomes the new sexual frontier? No question. Guys were infatuated with threesomes. And when I started looking, they were everywhere. After all, our lives are built on threesomes. Fat, low-fat, non-fat. First, Business, Economy. Moe, Larry, Curly. Maybe we were never meant to do it with only one other person. Maybe threesomes were the relationship of the future. Meanwhile, Samantha had been busy guest starring in a show I like to call 'Sam Does The Married Guy'.

Shrink: So what do you think your dream meant?
Miranda: I'm in a sandbox with Charlotte, Sam, and Carrie, and none of them will play with me. Please, it's obvious.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Across town, Miranda was dealing with her own nightmare.
Miranda: Look, I know it's juvenile, but it bothers me. I'm attractive, I'm smart, right? Plenty of people should want me for a threesome.

Samantha Jones: This is ideal No muss, no fuss.
Carrie: Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.
Miranda: Does this color turn you on?
Samantha Jones: [voice over narration] You had to hand it to Miranda. She was determined.

Carrie: [voice over narration] That afternoon was a first for Samantha. She successfully screwed a guy in under two minutes. The more Miranda analysed, the worse her nightmares got.
Miranda: So the four of us get in a cab, only they won't let me sit in the back with them. They make me ride up front with the drive who happens to be the original Chris from 'The Partridge Family'.

"Sex and the City: Secret Sex (#1.6)" (1998)
Samantha Jones: A guy could just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.
Miranda Hobbes: When have you ever been on a tenth date?

[Before Carrie goes on her first official date with Mr. Big, she's showing the girls what she's wearing]
Samantha Jones: Hey honey, it's fabulous. Bravo!
Miranda Hobbes: It's tits on toast, baby. But you make it work.
Charlotte York: Well, let's just say it. It's the "naked dress". I mean, you're obviously gonna have sex with him tonight.
Carrie Bradshaw: Come on, it's our first date!
Miranda Hobbes: She's not gonna have sex. She's just gonna look like sex.
Carrie Bradshaw: That's right. I'm just the trailer.
Samantha Jones: Please. If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up!
Charlotte York: Wait a second! I thought you were serious about this guy, you can't sleep with him on the first date.
Samantha Jones: Oh, God!
Miranda Hobbes: Here she goes again with 'The Rules.'
Samantha Jones: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn't get laid. So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.

Miranda Hobbes: Forget the math, just don't fuck on a first date, you're fine.
Carrie Bradshaw: Third date.
Charlotte York: Too soon!
Samantha Jones: Reality check.

Miranda Hobbes: True romance cannot exist without good sex.
Samantha Jones: And yet you can have good sex with someone you don't like or respect... or even remember.

Miranda Hobbes: [the man Miranda had just met at the gym asked her out] No, it's too quick. I think maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brains.
Carrie Bradshaw: No, too quick is sleeping with him on the first date. That's too quick.
Miranda Hobbes: You both got excited, and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself.
Carrie Bradshaw: No, I don't blame myself. I blame the dress. The dress!

"Sex and the City: Models and Mortals (#1.2)" (1998)
[first lines]
Carrie Bradshaw: [voice over narration] Last night my friend Miranda got invited to a dinner party by a man she hardly knew. She was the date of Nick Waxler, a fairly successful sports agent who'd said she had nice legs.
Nick Waxler: Okay, old movies you would have liked to fuck when they were young.
Miranda Hobbes: Alive or dead?
Nick Waxler: It doesn't matter. Veronica Lake, the year she made 'Sullivan's Travels'.

Miranda Hobbes: If men like Nick are dating models, what chance do ordinary women have? I mean, do you have to be a supermodel to get a date in New York?
Carrie Bradshaw: [voice over narration] Modelizers are a particular breed. They're a step beyond womanizers, who will sleep with just about anything in a skirt. Modelizers are obsessed, not with women, but with models, who in most cities are safely confined to billboards and magazines, but in Manhattan, actually run wild on the streets, turning the city into a virtual Model Country Safari where men can pet the creatures in their natural habitat. As if we didn't have enough problems!

Miranda Hobbes: What I wanna know is, when did all the men get together and decide that they would only get it up for giraffes with big breasts?
Charlotte York: In some cultures, heavy women with moustaches are considered beautiful.
Samantha Jones: And you're looking at me while you're saying that?

Charlotte York: I just know that no matter how good I feel about myself, if I see Christy Turlington, I just want to give up.
Miranda Hobbes: Well I just want to tie her down and force-feed her lard. But that's the difference between you and me.

Samantha Jones: I happen to love the way I look.
Miranda Hobbes: You should. You paid enough for it.
Samantha Jones: Hey! I resent that! I do not believe in plastic surgery. Well, not yet.

"Sex and the City: All That Glitters (#4.14)" (2002)
Charlotte York: I feel like we don't belong here!
Carrie Bradshaw: That's because we're wearing shirts!
Miranda Hobbes: Seriously, why don't straight men have bodies like this?
Carrie Bradshaw: Because gay men have the possibility of sex at the gym! If straight men had that they'd be working out all the time too!
Samantha Jones: I've had sex at the gym!
Carrie Bradshaw: See, Samantha's doing her part to motivate the masses!

Miranda Hobbes: These are my last months of freedom and I'm spending them in bed.
Samantha Jones: Just don't spend them alone in bed.

Charlotte York: This is gay porn.
Miranda Hobbes: What was your first clue?
Charlotte York: You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Carrie Bradshaw: Relax. I've watched it already, and I'm telling you this really funny.
Samantha Jones: See, that's the way to do it. No "I love you.", just good old fashioned fucking.

Charlotte York: This is gay porn.
Miranda Hobbes: What was your first clue?
Charlotte York: You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Carrie Bradshaw: Relax. I've watched it already, and I'm telling you, this is really funny.
Samantha Jones: See? That's the way to do it. No "I love you", just good old fashioned fucking.

Sex and the City 2 (2010)
Miranda Hobbes: Charlotte has a sand-wedge
[after Charlotte falls from the camel]

Miranda Hobbes: Sometimes, as much as I love Brady, being a mother just isn't enough. I miss my job.

Samantha Jones: One week in Abu Dubai. All expenses paid.
Carrie Bradshaw: I always been fascinated by the Middle East. You know, desert moons, magic carpets.
Lily York Goldenblatt: Like Jasmine and Aladdin.
Carrie Bradshaw: Yes, sweetie! Just like Jasmine, but with cocktails.
Charlotte York: It really sounds exciting. When are you gonna go?
Samantha Jones: [modest tone] I don't know... When can you all be free?
[Everyone stare at her]
Samantha Jones: You didn't think I was going without my gals? All expenses paid for all four of us. All we have to do is pick the week, and the sooner the better!
Miranda Hobbes: Let me just check my work schedule.
[Looks at her cellphone really quick]
Miranda Hobbes: Yeah! All clear!
Carrie Bradshaw: Well I gotta check... but I'm good to go Middle East, sweetie!
Samantha Jones: [all excited] Charlotte! How's three weeks from now?
Charlotte York: Oh, I... I don't know.
Samantha Jones: [demanding tone] I go to children's birthday parties for YOU! You're going to Abu Dhabi for ME!
Miranda Hobbes: Children's birthday parties. Pulling out the big guns.
Charlotte York: Ah... okay.
Samantha Jones: [obliviously] Thank you!

Samantha Jones: Now why would Liza agree to this?
Miranda Hobbes: It's the law of physics. Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Liza manifests.

"Sex and the City: Bay of Married Pigs (#1.3)" (1998)
Charlotte York: I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like you're a...
Carrie Bradshaw: Loser?
Miranda Hobbes: Leper.
Samantha Jones: Whore.

Miranda Hobbes: When someone gets married all bets are off, they become married and we become the enemy.
Carrie Bradshaw: [voice over narration] As the only single lawyer working at her law firm, Miranda had given this topic some thought.
Samantha Jones: You know, married women are threatened because we can have sex anytime, anywhere, and with anyone.
Carrie Bradshaw: We can?
Samantha Jones: And they're afraid we're gonna have it anytime, anywhere with their husbands.
Charlotte York: I would never sleep with a married man.
Samantha Jones: What makes you so sure you haven't? Wedding rings come off you know. Face it ladies, if you're still single, you are not to be trusted.

Miranda Hobbes: Christ! When did being single translate into being gay?

Miranda Hobbes: Yep, definitely straight.
Syd: Yeah, you are.
Miranda Hobbes: Sorry.

"Sex and the City: The Power of Female Sex (#1.5)" (1998)
Samantha: Women have the right to use every means at their disposal to achieve power.
Miranda Hobbes: Short of sleeping their way to the top
Samantha: Not if that's what it takes to compete.
Charlotte York: But that's exploitation!
Samantha: Of men, - which is perfectly legal.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Saturday night, in an effort to save money, and maybe even pick up a few extra bucks, I invited the girls over for poker.
Charlotte York: I'll buy two.
Carrie: I'm in for three. So, you advocate a double standard. Women can use their sexuality to get ahead whenever possible, but men should not be allowed to take advantage of it?
Samantha: No, I'm just saying that men and women are equal-opportunity exploiters.

Miranda Hobbes: [to Charlotte who is talking about a famous painter who might ask her to hold his brush] If he so much as suggests what she's suggesting, you give me a call and we'll sue the hell out of him. That's the only proper way to trade sex for power.
Samantha: I can't believe what I'm hearing. You're like the Harvard Law Lorena Bobbitt.
[Door bell rings]
Miranda Hobbes: Ah, it's Skipper, I told him I was here and he insisted on picking me up. But he's not supposed to be here 'till eleven!
Carrie: Oh! He's like a sweet little seal pup.
Miranda Hobbes: That you sometimes want to club.

[after Gilles has slept with Carrie, he leaves her a note and a thousand dollars]
Miranda Hobbes: [reading the note] "Thanks for the beautiful day." Must've been a hell of a beautiful day.
Carrie: Well, it was. We had such a fantastic connection, then he leaves me money. I don't understand. What exactly about me screams "whore"?
Miranda Hobbes: Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?
Samantha: I just can't believe you had dinner at Balzac. Wait a minute, I thought I ordered two eggs Benedict and one spinach omelette.
Miranda Hobbes: It's all right. I'll take the omelette.
Carrie: You know what you guys, this isn't right. We're gonna pay for all this ourselves, all right?
Samantha: He said order anything.
Miranda Hobbes: The room service is one thing, but the money... - uh-uh.
Samantha: What are you getting so uptight about? I mean, money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.
Miranda Hobbes: Don't listen to the dime store Camille Paglia.
Carrie: I don't know whether to take it as an incredible compliment or as an incredible insult?
Samantha: Just take it, period.
Carrie: Well, I wouldn't know how to return it anyway because the one thing he didn't leave me was his phone number.
Miranda Hobbes: He paid in full, what more is there to talk about? Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's like an international party girl.
Miranda Hobbes: She's a hooker with a passport.

"Sex and the City: The Ick Factor (#6.14)" (2004)
Miranda Hobbes: [shopping for a wedding dress] I said, "no white, no ivory, no nothing that says 'virgin.'" I have a child. The jig is up.

Miranda: [to shop assistant] No, I told you, no white, no ivory, nothing that says virginal. I have a child. The jig is up.

Samantha: What's French for "ick"?
Miranda: Eeck.

"Sex and the City: Sex and Another City (#3.14)" (2000)
Miranda: [Noticing the hot tub full of Playmates at a Playboy Mansion party] Tit soup!

Lew: You want to go grab a drink?
Miranda: Yes please, the sight of all these white teeth is blinding.

Miranda: [Noticing the hot tub full of Playmates at a Playboy Mansion party] "Tit soup!"

"Sex and the City: Catch-38 (#6.15)" (2004)
Miranda: I'm sorry, Steve, I'm an asshole.
Steve Brady: Yeah, you are, but you're my asshole.
Miranda: That's sweet and gross at the same time.

Charlotte York: [on the phone with Miranda] Brady saw us having sex!
Miranda: And?
Charlotte York: He was looking at me, during -!
Miranda: Charlotte, he doesn't know what that is. He doesn't know where his nose is.
Charlotte York: [yelling] Harry! Brady can't be anywhere near this conversation!
Harry Goldenblatt: I think it's too late, he just said, "Sex is dirty."
Charlotte York: That's not funny!

Miranda: I don't understand, why do you have to have chemo?
Samantha Jones: Because he's an asshole!
Carrie Bradshaw: Apparently there could be something microscopic...
Samantha Jones: Like his dick!
Carrie Bradshaw: I'm sorry, do you have cancer or Tourette's?

"Sex and the City: Anchors Away (#5.1)" (2002)
Charlotte: Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your life.
Carrie: Everyone who? Where'd you get that?
Charlotte: I read it in a magazine.
Miranda: What magazine, "Convenient Theories for You Monthly"?

[the girls are walking down a street. As Miranda bends down to rearrange Brady, Samantha spots sailors up ahead]
Samantha: Ladies, seamen, 12 o'clock!
Miranda: [to Carrie] I pray when I turn around, there are sailors, because with her, you never know!

[Charlotte has just told the girls about a magazine article she read which said that a woman only gets two "great loves" in her lifetime]
Charlotte: So far I've only had one great love - Trey.
[to Miranda]
Charlotte: How many great loves have you had?
Miranda: Zero.
Carrie: Really? What about Steve?
Miranda: Steve's a friend, not a core-shaker.
Samantha: Well, I'm done with great love. I'm back to great lovers.
Miranda: [to Carrie] You?
Carrie: I refuse to define love in those limited terms
Miranda: [laughing] I had to!
Charlotte: Oh, come on Carrie! Aidan and Big!
[Charlotte pauses as she realizes what she just said. Carrie looks up at her]
Carrie: One, two. And according to you, I'm done!
Charlotte: No, no, it was a stupid article. It was at the dentist!
Carrie: No, no, no, no, too late now. You said it, it's over for me. "Here lies Carrie. She had two loves and lots o' shoes."

"Sex and the City: The Monogamists (#1.7)" (1998)
Carrie: [on the phone] I can't believe it's been so long. I've been meaning to call you, I've just been...
Miranda Hobbes: Fucking your brains out?
Carrie: Yeah, well, that's the least of it.

[Talking about oral sex]
Charlotte York: The truth is, I hate doing it.
Samantha Jones: Honey, you can't be serious!
Miranda Hobbes: Are you telling us you never perform this act?
Carrie: She'll juggle, she'll spin plates, but she won't give head.
Charlotte York: I don't like putting it in my mouth! I have a very sensitive gag reflex and it makes me want to puke!
Miranda Hobbes: That's one way to say no.
Charlotte York: It's not like I haven't tried. I practiced on a banana, I pretended it was a Popsicle, but... I just don't like it.
Miranda Hobbes: Personally, I'm loving it, up to the point where the guy wants me to swallow.
Carrie: Well that's just, that's really a judgment call.
Samantha Jones: Some men just take it so personally if you don't.
Miranda Hobbes: Some guys don't give you a choice!
Carrie: Well that's just bad behavior.
Charlotte York: Are you honestly telling me you like it?
Carrie: Well, it's not my favorite thing on the menu, but you know, I'll order it from time to time, and, with the right guy, it can be nice.
Miranda Hobbes: Oral sex is like God's gift to women. - You can get off without worrying about getting pregnant.
Samantha Jones: Plus the sense of power is such a turn-on, maybe you're on your knees, but you got him by the balls.
Charlotte York: You see, that is the reason that I don't want to go down this road.
Carrie: Well sweetheart, if you're gonna get all choked up about it...
[Carrie and Miranda exchange looks about the pun]
Carrie: , just don't do it, don't do it!
Miranda Hobbes: But if you don't go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you?
Charlotte York: I don't.
Miranda Hobbes: Oh, well, forget it! I only give head to get head!
Samantha Jones: Me, too.

Carrie: [voice over narration] There were so many questions I wanted him to answer, but would not ask. Not tonight at least. No, tonight I would ask Miranda.
[to Miranda]
Carrie: He said, "I miss you, baby." Do you think that was meant to be some kind of coded mea culpa?
Miranda Hobbes: You mean like what he really meant was, "I've been a complete idiot. Please forgive me for having dinner with that other woman."?
Carrie: Exactly.
Miranda Hobbes: Could be.
Carrie: Well no, because that would mean that everything he ever said that I interpreted as sincere is subject to interpretation, and in that case, what I perceive as his feelings for me may only really be reflected projections of my feelings for him.
Miranda Hobbes: What?
Carrie: Oh God, I'm freaking. I've gotta stop. Stop.

"Sex and the City: The Agony and the Ex-tacy (#4.1)" (2001)
Miranda: Do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a houseplant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night?

Miranda: Soul mates only exist in the Hallmark aisle of Duane Reade Drugs.

Miranda: I used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to me once. What do you think that means? All right. The cheese stands alone.

"Sex and the City: Just Say Yes (#4.12)" (2001)
Miranda: I don't know why they call it "morning sickness" when it's all *fucking* day long. Unless it's M-O-U-R-N, as in, "Mourning the loss of your single life."

Miranda: [opening the door to find Steve proposing to her] What - are you fucking crazy?
Steve Brady: [pause] That's your answer?

Miranda: You're gonna see me with this baby and think you're in love with me.
Steve Brady: I don't know, I've seen you with my dog and you mostly just seem uncomfortable.

"Sex and the City: The Freak Show (#2.3)" (1999)
Miranda: I can't believe this. We spend our lives hiding the fat in our ass and you're putting it right on your face?

Miranda: Whatever happened to aging gracefully?
Carrie: It got old.

Miranda: If a man is over thirty and single, there's something wrong with him. It's Darwinian. They're being weeded out from propagating the species.
Carrie: Okay, what about us?
Miranda: We're just choosy.

"Sex and the City: Easy Come, Easy Go (#3.9)" (2000)
Samantha: I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk...
[Charlotte storms out of the coffee shop]
Miranda: [to Carrie] And she's never coming back!

[the girls are having lunch]
Carrie: Big's leaving his wife!
[all girls gasp]
Carrie: He got drunk and told me at the furniture show
Miranda: What was he doing at a furniture show?
Carrie: Drinkin' and leaving his wife!

"Sex and the City: Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda (#4.11)" (2001)
Miranda: [on finding out she is pregnant] WHY didn't I use a condom?
Carrie: You didn't use a condom?
Miranda: He has one ball, and I have a lazy ovary! In what twisted world does that create a baby? It's like the Special Olympics of conception!

Miranda: Oh God, Carrie, is this my baby? I mean, what am I waiting for?
Carrie: Sweetie, do you want to leave?
Miranda: No, I can't have a baby. I could barely find the time to schedule this abortion.

"Sex and the City: Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl... (#3.4)" (2000)
Miranda Hobbes: I'm going to find my inner goddess if it kills me.

Carrie: I'm not even sure bisexuality exists. I think it's just a layover on the way to Gaytown.
Miranda: Isn't that right next to Ricky Martinville?

"Sex and the City: An American Girl in Paris: Part Une (#6.19)" (2004)
[at Carrie's very emotional and weepy goodbye dinner a few hours before Carrie is leaving for Paris - Charlotte in particular is being a total weepy waterworks]
Samantha: Let's pull it up, shall we? I'd like to show my face here again.
Carrie: Yes, the tears have to go. Right. Someone say something not sentimental.
Samantha: Chemo might have kicked me into early menopause.
Miranda: Task accomplished!
Samantha: You would not BELIEVE the hot flashes! I can barely keep my clothes on!
Carrie: Really? What was your excuse before the chemo?
Samantha: [lovingly] Oh, I'm gonna miss you, you cunt.
[Charlotte breaks into tears again]
Miranda: Wow, even "cunt" didn't stop her!

Big: [to Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda about Carrie] Look, I need your advice. You three know her better than anyone, you're the loves of her life. And a guy's just lucky to come in fourth. But I do love her. And if you think I have the slightest chance, I'll be on the next plane to Paris, I'll roam the streets till I find her, I'll do anything. But if you think she really is... happy... well, then I wouldn't want to wreck that for her, and I'll be history.
Miranda: [after the girls all look at each other for a long moment] Go get our girl.

"Sex and the City: Belles of the Balls (#4.10)" (2001)
Miranda: I made him cry. No, first I yelled at him - I yelled at my friend the cancer patient - then I made him cry.

Miranda: Women don't care. We care about nice arms, great eyes, a big dick... I've never once heard a woman say: "He had such a big full scrotum."

"Sex and the City: Take Me Out to the Ball Game (#2.1)" (1999)
James: How are the most beautiful women on Manhattan?
Miranda: If we see them, we'll ask.

Miranda: All we talk about anymore is Big, or balls, or small dicks. How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It's like seventh grade with bank accounts!

"Sex and the City: I Love a Charade (#5.8)" (2002)
Miranda Hobbes: "Mr. Broadway has to tinkle"? That must be the gayest sentence ever uttered.

Carrie Bradshaw: He doesn't need her money, he was one of the original investors in "A Chorus Line."
Miranda Hobbes: Just when I thought it couldn't get any gayer than "Mr. Broadway has to tinkle."

"Sex and the City: The Drought (#1.11)" (1998)
Miranda: [to a heckling construction worker] You got what I want? You got what I need? What I WANT... is to GET LAID. What I NEED... is to GET LAID. I NEED to GET LAID.

Miranda: [Carrie told Miranda that she farted while in bed with Big] You farted. You're human.
Carrie Bradshaw: I don't want him to know that.

"Sex and the City: The Man, the Myth, the Viagra (#2.8)" (1999)
[Carrie explains to Miranda she blew off their dinner date for dinner with Big]
Carrie Bradshaw: Well, he got this veal...
Miranda Hobbes: You blew me off for a piece of politically incorrect meat?

Miranda Hobbes: I can't have dinner with you. I don't even know you.
Steve Brady: You slept with me!
Miranda Hobbes: It's a different thing!

"Sex and the City: What's Sex Got to Do with It? (#4.4)" (2001)
[mocking Samantha's announcement that she is now a lesbian]
Miranda Hobbes: Oh, I forgot to tell you - I'm a fire hydrant!

Miranda: I know you're probably busy having mind-blowing sex, but I feel you need to know that your good friend, Miranda Hobbes, has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You'll probably need this information when you check me into the "Betty Crocker Clinic."

"Sex and the City: Ex and the City (#2.18)" (1999)
Carrie: [Miranda has just told Carrie that Steve wants to be exclusive, and that she's feeling conflicted about it] Uh-oh. Time for the ol' list.
Miranda: The list?
Carrie: Things you like about Steve, things you don't like about Steve. Then see which list is longer.
Miranda: That seems so judgmental.
Carrie: Miranda, you *are* judgmental. Try putting it to good use.

Miranda: When did you stop calling her the idiot stick figure with no soul?
Carrie: Three weeks ago when I saw them at Cafe M. He was smiling and holding her hand and I finally got it. They're happy slash we're over.

"Sex and the City: Sex and the City (#1.1)" (1998)
Peter Mason: There's not one woman in New York who hasn't turned down ten wonderful guys because they were too short, or too fat, or too poor.
Miranda Hobbes: I have been out with some of those guys. The short, fat, poor ones. It makes absolutely no difference. They are just as self-centered and unappreciative as the good-looking ones.
Peter Mason: Why don't these women just marry a fat guy? Why don't they just marry a big fat tub of lard?

Miranda Hobbes: [at the transvestite restaurant for her birthday] It's like that guy, Jeremiah, the poet. I mean the sex was incredible, but then he wanted to read me his poetry and go out to dinner and the whole chat bit, and I'm like, "Let's not even go there."

"Sex and the City: The Post-It Always Sticks Twice (#6.7)" (2003)
Charlotte: Is it safe to buy pot from strangers?
Miranda: They're not strangers, they're our new friends with pot.

Miranda: I once was broken up with by a guy's doorman: "I'm sorry, Ms. Hobbes, Jonathan won't be coming down. Ever."

"Sex and the City: Where There's Smoke... (#3.1)" (2000)
Charlotte: You have Steve.
Miranda: I don't "have" Steve. There is no having of the Steve. We're friends.
Samantha: No, *we're* friends, but I don't put my dick in you.

Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?
Miranda: Who? The White Knight?

"Sex and the City: The Chicken Dance (#2.7)" (1999)
Carrie: I better find Big.
Miranda: I'm coming with you.
Carrie: Can you leave the guest book unattended?
Miranda: It's a bullshit job Carrie, people know what to do with the guest book!

Miranda: Guess what? The guest book person is also the put the gifts in the van person. Does anybody wanna help me or should I just go stand out in the street and wait for somebody else not to see me so I can end it?
Carrie: I'll help you, what street do you wanna stand in?

"Sex and the City: Baby, Talk Is Cheap (#4.6)" (2001)
Miranda: [about analingus] Some guy must have found one woman that loved it and then went around telling everyone, "Women LOOOVE this!"

"Sex and the City: The Turtle and the Hare (#1.9)" (1998)
Miranda Hobbes: You haven't met the *Rabbit*.
Samantha Jones: Oh, come on. If you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the Horse.

"Sex and the City: I Heart NY (#4.18)" (2002)
Carrie: "Going-out-of-business sex", what do we think?
Miranda: [immediately] No.
Carrie: All right, Quick Draw, give it a second here.
Miranda: [gives it a literal second] No.

"Sex and the City: The Domino Effect (#6.11)" (2003)
Charlotte York: Big is in town?
Carrie Bradshaw: Yeah, he's having a little heart thing done.
Miranda Hobbes: What, is he on the wait list to get one?
Carrie Bradshaw: No, and you're going to feel incredibly bad in a minute: he's here because he's having heart surgery.
Miranda Hobbes: Okay, I'm officially a monster, please continue.

"Sex and the City: Splat! (#6.18)" (2004)
[Carrie and Miranda are fighting because Miranda does not want Carrie to move to Paris with Petrovsky]
Carrie Bradshaw: Just say it! You don't like him!
Miranda Hobbes: Fine! I don't like him!
Carrie Bradshaw: Then don't *you* go to Paris with him.
[walks away]

"Sex and the City: The Real Me (#4.2)" (2001)
Miranda: Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.

"Sex and the City: Boy, Interrupted (#6.10)" (2003)
Miranda: I just got Brady to sleep.
Dr. Robert Leeds: Now, do you sing to him?
Miranda: Only if he's been bad.

"Sex and the City: Lights, Camera, Relationship (#6.5)" (2003)
Miranda: [stomps her foot while on the phone at Steve's] DAMMIT! I fucked up Debbie's B!

"Sex and the City: The Cheating Curve (#2.6)" (1999)
Carrie: Someone's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.
Miranda: That's moral relativism.
Carrie: I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating.

"Sex and the City: Was It Good for You? (#2.16)" (1999)
Miranda Hobbes: [dissatisfied with her new bedsheets] Does everything I bring into this room have to have a flaw?
Carrie Bradshaw: Ha ha.

"Sex and the City: Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little (#6.4)" (2003)
Miranda Hobbes: [on the dating scene] There's a lot of push-pull out there, a lot of mixed messages.
Jack Berger: Yeah, I'd have to say that's all code for: He's just not that into you.

"Sex and the City: The Perfect Present (#6.3)" (2003)
Miranda Hobbes: The only person who should have to pay for your last relationship is the person in your next relationship.

"Sex and the City: Unoriginal Sin (#5.2)" (2002)
Miranda: Baptism is a very odd tradition. It's all about cleansing this little baby of its sins, when clearly babies come into the world with a clean slate and we're the ones who fuck 'em up.
Carrie: So you're a pessimist, right?
Miranda: Have we met?

"Sex and the City: Out of the Frying Pan (#6.16)" (2004)
Miranda: I know, I can't move to Brooklyn, even cabs won't go there!

"Sex and the City: No Ifs, Ands or Butts (#3.5)" (2000)
Miranda: You haven't had a crush since Big.
Carrie: Big wasn't a crush. He was a crash.

"Sex and the City: To Market, to Market (#6.1)" (2003)
Samantha Jones: No smoking in bars? What's next, no fucking in bars?
Miranda Hobbes: Well, first there would have to be a no-fucking section.

"Sex and the City: Attack of the Five Foot Ten Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
[about "Roman Numeral" guys]
Samantha Jones: I find that the higher the number, the worse the sex. I went out Some Guy the Third who couldn't even get it up.
Miranda Hobbes: Imagine how bad Henry VIII must have been.

"Sex and the City: What Goes Around Comes Around (#3.17)" (2000)
Miranda Hobbes: Are you alright? I can't believe he took your shoes.
Carrie: I know! I probably got trichinosis.
Miranda Hobbes: You only get that from pork.
Carrie: Oh, well I'm sure I stepped on a piece of it somewhere.

"Sex and the City: The Cold War (#6.17)" (2004)
Miranda Hobbes: Elizabeth Taylor got gang-banged in the park?
Samantha Jones: Oh god, that's so 80's!

"Sex and the City: Evolution (#2.11)" (1999)
Samantha: I need a new gynecologist. Do you like yours?
Miranda: Not right now, no.
Samantha: Well, at least she's a woman. I tried to go to a man, but it was just too strange. Having a guy spend all that time down there and then you leave, without an orgasm and a bill!

"Sex and the City: Games People Play (#2.13)" (1999)
Carrie: [about therapists] First they want you to come there two times a week, then three times a week, and eventually you're starting every sentence with 'my therapist says... '
Miranda: My therapist says that's a very common fear.

"Sex and the City: An American Girl in Paris: Part Deux (#6.20)" (2004)
Magda: What you did. That is love. You love.
Miranda: [after giving Steve's mother, who has had a stroke, a bath] Let's not make a big deal of it to Steve. It will upset him.

"Sex and the City: The Fuck Buddy (#2.14)" (1999)
Miranda: My fuck buddy moved to Chicago. Now, we have phone sex.

"Sex and the City: A 'Vogue' Idea (#4.17)" (2002)
Carrie: Hey, you think it could really be as simple as my father walked out, therefore I'll always be messed up about men?
Miranda: My father came home every night at seven on the dot and I have no clue about men either.

"Sex and the City: Luck Be an Old Lady (#5.3)" (2002)
[a fat jerk wants Miranda to leave a blackjack table when they're in Atlantic City]
Jerk One: Hey red, move your fat ass!
Carrie: [after a stunned pause] What did you just say to her?
Samantha: Who the hell do you think you are?
Jerk Two: Get in the game or get out!
Miranda: [to the girls] Guys, let's just go. It's okay.
Carrie: No, it is most certainly *not* okay!
Charlotte: Listen, you big jerk, her "ass" isn't normally this big!
Miranda: [after a pause] Yes... thank you, I almost forgot! My ass is fat because I just had a baby, you asshole!
Samantha: What's your excuse?
Carrie: Yeah, ya havin' triplets?

"Sex and the City: Oh Come All Ye Faithful (#1.12)" (1998)
Carrie Bradshaw: He introduced me to his mother as a friend. She never even heard of me. That isn't a good sign.
Miranda Hobbes: Maybe they're not that close.
Carrie Bradshaw: Come on, don't lie. You're in a church.

"Sex and the City: Defining Moments (#4.3)" (2001)
Miranda: I don't want a boyfriend who does that. It's never okay to do that. Wait your turn, shut the door, do your business.