Samantha Jones
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Samantha Jones (Character)
from "Sex and the City" (1998)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Sex and the City (2008)
Samantha Jones: I can't color enough, I would color all day every day If I had my way, I would use every crayon in my box
Carrie Bradshaw: We get it! You like to color...

Samantha Jones: I feel the same way as you feel about Botox. Painful and unnecessary.

Samantha Jones: The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you.

Samantha Jones: [hands Carrie her iPhone, which Carrie returns somewhat disgusted]
Carrie Bradshaw: I don't know how to work this!

Charlotte York: I always knew she'd marry Big.
Samantha Jones: You thought that after the second break up?
Charlotte York: Yep.
Miranda Hobbes: After the fifteenth?
Carrie Bradshaw: Ha ha, we broke up a lot.

Carrie Bradshaw: Well, honey, what have you been eating?
Samantha Jones: Everything except Dante's dick.

Samantha Jones: [calls Carrie on Valentine's Day] Just calling to make sure you aren't hanging from your shower rod.

Carrie Bradshaw: Lets go down to the hotel for dinner tonight, I need to get myself out of my Mexi-coma.
Samantha Jones: Aww, you made a little joke. Good for you!

Jerry 'Smith' Jerrod: You seem distant.
Samantha Jones: Distant? You're still in me.

Samantha Jones: Hey dick-wad, I'm speaking.

Samantha Jones: Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

Samantha Jones: [meeting a naked Dante] I'm sorry. I'm your neighbor and my dog ran up on your dick... deck!

Samantha Jones: This is my second most favorite thing I've found in there.

Samantha Jones: Don't blame marriage. This one's married and she's not growing a national forest.

Samantha Jones: So here's to the groom, who finally got Carried away.

Samantha Jones: Jesus honey! Wax much?
Miranda Hobbes: What? My marriage is going through a rough spot. I dont have time to wax!
Samantha Jones: I could be on death row and not have that *situation*!

Samantha Jones: Is a relationship saying his name fifty times more a day than my own?

Samantha Jones: Relationships aren't just about being happy. I mean, how often are you happy in your relationship?
Charlotte York: Every day.
Samantha Jones: Every day?
Charlotte York: Well, not all day every day but yes, every day.

Samantha Jones: Oh, honey, you made a little joke. Good for you!

Samantha Jones: You see? This is how it starts. Next thing you know, we're only having sex three or four times a week.

Samantha Jones: I'm gonna say the one thing you aren't supposed to say. I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on.

Samantha Jones: Here we come.

Samantha Jones: A lot of shit went down in this apartment. Attention must be paid!


Sex and the City 2 (2010)
Charlotte York: How are you gonna swallow all those?
[referring to Samantha's handful of pills]
Samantha Jones: Have we met?

Samantha Jones: I'm having a hot flash.
Carrie Bradshaw: You're fine.
Samantha Jones: Seriously. They're starting.
Carrie Bradshaw: You're on a camel in the middle of the Arabian desert. If you're not having a hot flash, you're dead.

Samantha Jones: Lawrence of my labia!

Samantha Jones: One week in Abu Dubai. All expenses paid.
Carrie Bradshaw: I always been fascinated by the Middle East. You know, desert moons, magic carpets.
Lily York Goldenblatt: Like Jasmine and Aladdin.
Carrie Bradshaw: Yes, sweetie! Just like Jasmine, but with cocktails.
Charlotte York: It really sounds exciting. When are you gonna go?
Samantha Jones: [modest tone] I don't know... When can you all be free?
[Everyone stare at her]
Samantha Jones: You didn't think I was going without my gals? All expenses paid for all four of us. All we have to do is pick the week, and the sooner the better!
Miranda Hobbes: Let me just check my work schedule.
[Looks at her cellphone really quick]
Miranda Hobbes: Yeah! All clear!
Carrie Bradshaw: Well I gotta check... but I'm good to go Middle East, sweetie!
Samantha Jones: [all excited] Charlotte! How's three weeks from now?
Charlotte York: Oh, I... I don't know.
Samantha Jones: [demanding tone] I go to children's birthday parties for YOU! You're going to Abu Dhabi for ME!
Miranda Hobbes: Children's birthday parties. Pulling out the big guns.
Charlotte York: Ah... okay.
Samantha Jones: [obliviously] Thank you!

Samantha Jones: [hearing that Charlotte wants to buy her children gifts, which might make them miss their flight] Buy them some *crap* at the airport!

Samantha Jones: There ought to be a law against hiring a nanny who looks like that.
Carrie Bradshaw: Yeah, the Jude Law.

Samantha Jones: Now why would Liza agree to this?
Miranda Hobbes: It's the law of physics. Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Liza manifests.

Samantha Jones: [after singing "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar"] I am a woman! I'm at that table!

Samantha Jones: [after her condoms fall out of her purse in the market in front of a bunch of angry men] Yes! Condoms! I have SEX!


"Sex and the City: Secret Sex (#1.6)" (1998)
Samantha Jones: [someone has drawn a penis on Carrie's Bus Poster] Oh, don't worry, honey! No one notices a bus in New York until it's about to hit them!

Samantha Jones: A guy could just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.
Miranda Hobbes: When have you ever been on a tenth date?

[Before Carrie goes on her first official date with Mr. Big, she's showing the girls what she's wearing]
Samantha Jones: Hey honey, it's fabulous. Bravo!
Miranda Hobbes: It's tits on toast, baby. But you make it work.
Charlotte York: Well, let's just say it. It's the "naked dress". I mean, you're obviously gonna have sex with him tonight.
Carrie Bradshaw: Come on, it's our first date!
Miranda Hobbes: She's not gonna have sex. She's just gonna look like sex.
Carrie Bradshaw: That's right. I'm just the trailer.
Samantha Jones: Please. If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up!
Charlotte York: Wait a second! I thought you were serious about this guy, you can't sleep with him on the first date.
Samantha Jones: Oh, God!
Miranda Hobbes: Here she goes again with 'The Rules.'
Samantha Jones: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn't get laid. So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.

Miranda Hobbes: Forget the math, just don't fuck on a first date, you're fine.
Carrie Bradshaw: Third date.
Charlotte York: Too soon!
Samantha Jones: Reality check.

Charlotte York: And by then at least you're emotionally involved.
Samantha Jones: Exactly! I mean, isn't it better to find out if the sex is good right off the bat, before anybody's feelings get hurt?

Miranda Hobbes: True romance cannot exist without good sex.
Samantha Jones: And yet you can have good sex with someone you don't like or respect... or even remember.

Samantha Jones: Have I ever had fabulous sex with someone that I didn't want to admit to? Hmm. Did I ever tell you about that jazz musician who lived with his mother in Queens?
Carrie Bradshaw: Yeah, Alex.
Samantha Jones: What about the window washer?
Carrie Bradshaw: The one who doesn't wear any underwear?
Samantha Jones: I met this gorgerous kid in Spy Bar last year. He was...
Carrie Bradshaw: He turned out to be in high school.
[narrating voice over]
Carrie Bradshaw: Evidently, Samantha had had lots of sex, none of which was secret.
Samantha Jones: Fine, it just proves that I'm not ashamed of anyone whom I've slept with.

Samantha Jones: There's no such thing as bad publicity.
Carrie Bradshaw: Yeah, you would say that, you're a publicist.

Charlotte York: So we would talk about art, and sex, and the Torah.
Carrie Bradshaw: Well, why didn't you introduce him to anybody?
Charlotte York: I was embarrassed! I mean, I couldn't really date him. And he couldn't date me. I mean, what would people think?
Samantha Jones: Well, if the sex was good, who cares what anybody thinks?


"Sex and the City: All That Glitters (#4.14)" (2002)
Charlotte York: I feel like we don't belong here!
Carrie Bradshaw: That's because we're wearing shirts!
Miranda Hobbes: Seriously, why don't straight men have bodies like this?
Carrie Bradshaw: Because gay men have the possibility of sex at the gym! If straight men had that they'd be working out all the time too!
Samantha Jones: I've had sex at the gym!
Carrie Bradshaw: See, Samantha's doing her part to motivate the masses!

Charlotte York: I can't believe you took Ecstasy from a stranger!
Samantha Jones: It wasn't a stranger. It was a friend of my friend Bobby's friend Bobby!
Charlotte York: Well, then you know it's safe.

Samantha Jones: Well it's about fuckin' time. Get over here and do me.
Carrie Bradshaw: Is that your standard greeting now?
Samantha Jones: Oh sorry I thought it was Richard.

Miranda Hobbes: These are my last months of freedom and I'm spending them in bed.
Samantha Jones: Just don't spend them alone in bed.

Charlotte York: This is gay porn.
Miranda Hobbes: What was your first clue?
Charlotte York: You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Carrie Bradshaw: Relax. I've watched it already, and I'm telling you this really funny.
Samantha Jones: See, that's the way to do it. No "I love you.", just good old fashioned fucking.

Charlotte York: This is gay porn.
Miranda Hobbes: What was your first clue?
Charlotte York: You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Carrie Bradshaw: Relax. I've watched it already, and I'm telling you, this is really funny.
Samantha Jones: See? That's the way to do it. No "I love you", just good old fashioned fucking.


"Sex and the City: The Power of Female Sex (#1.5)" (1998)
Samantha: Money is power, sex is power, therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.
Carrie: Once again, Samantha managed to up-sex me.

Samantha: [to Carrie] Do you realize if she were a man, not only would we be eating right now, but they'd be sending over free drinks?

Samantha: Women have the right to use every means at their disposal to achieve power.
Miranda Hobbes: Short of sleeping their way to the top
Samantha: Not if that's what it takes to compete.
Charlotte York: But that's exploitation!
Samantha: Of men, - which is perfectly legal.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Saturday night, in an effort to save money, and maybe even pick up a few extra bucks, I invited the girls over for poker.
Charlotte York: I'll buy two.
Carrie: I'm in for three. So, you advocate a double standard. Women can use their sexuality to get ahead whenever possible, but men should not be allowed to take advantage of it?
Samantha: No, I'm just saying that men and women are equal-opportunity exploiters.

Miranda Hobbes: [to Charlotte who is talking about a famous painter who might ask her to hold his brush] If he so much as suggests what she's suggesting, you give me a call and we'll sue the hell out of him. That's the only proper way to trade sex for power.
Samantha: I can't believe what I'm hearing. You're like the Harvard Law Lorena Bobbitt.
[Door bell rings]
Miranda Hobbes: Ah, it's Skipper, I told him I was here and he insisted on picking me up. But he's not supposed to be here 'till eleven!
Carrie: Oh! He's like a sweet little seal pup.
Miranda Hobbes: That you sometimes want to club.

[after Gilles has slept with Carrie, he leaves her a note and a thousand dollars]
Miranda Hobbes: [reading the note] "Thanks for the beautiful day." Must've been a hell of a beautiful day.
Carrie: Well, it was. We had such a fantastic connection, then he leaves me money. I don't understand. What exactly about me screams "whore"?
Miranda Hobbes: Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?
Samantha: I just can't believe you had dinner at Balzac. Wait a minute, I thought I ordered two eggs Benedict and one spinach omelette.
Miranda Hobbes: It's all right. I'll take the omelette.
Carrie: You know what you guys, this isn't right. We're gonna pay for all this ourselves, all right?
Samantha: He said order anything.
Miranda Hobbes: The room service is one thing, but the money... - uh-uh.
Samantha: What are you getting so uptight about? I mean, money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.
Miranda Hobbes: Don't listen to the dime store Camille Paglia.
Carrie: I don't know whether to take it as an incredible compliment or as an incredible insult?
Samantha: Just take it, period.
Carrie: Well, I wouldn't know how to return it anyway because the one thing he didn't leave me was his phone number.
Miranda Hobbes: He paid in full, what more is there to talk about? Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's like an international party girl.
Miranda Hobbes: She's a hooker with a passport.


"Sex and the City: The Agony and the Ex-tacy (#4.1)" (2001)
Samantha: I masturbated to my priest... Friar Fuck!
Carrie: Okay, I think we're going to have to get Charlotte a crash helmet.
Charlotte: You have a priest?

Samantha: [referring to a "hot priest"] Look at his robe. So "Robin and his Merry Men."

Carrie: [Carrie just turned 35] I'm thirty-five.
Samantha: Oh, shut the fuck up, I'm a hundred and forty.

Samantha: Do you ever think about me?
Friar: I believe that God made the body and it's perfect in its splendor. But I'm not of my body. My life is about other joys.

Samantha: Well, I remember when Danny had more than one thought, and they all involved going up my ass.


"Sex and the City: Bay of Married Pigs (#1.3)" (1998)
Charlotte York: I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like you're a...
Carrie Bradshaw: Loser?
Miranda Hobbes: Leper.
Samantha Jones: Whore.

Miranda Hobbes: When someone gets married all bets are off, they become married and we become the enemy.
Carrie Bradshaw: [voice over narration] As the only single lawyer working at her law firm, Miranda had given this topic some thought.
Samantha Jones: You know, married women are threatened because we can have sex anytime, anywhere, and with anyone.
Carrie Bradshaw: We can?
Samantha Jones: And they're afraid we're gonna have it anytime, anywhere with their husbands.
Charlotte York: I would never sleep with a married man.
Samantha Jones: What makes you so sure you haven't? Wedding rings come off you know. Face it ladies, if you're still single, you are not to be trusted.

Carrie Bradshaw: Okay, I owe you. I didn't know that all of his buddies were gonna be married. Oh, my god, you're doing tequila shots?
Samantha Jones: [drunk] You see, that buddy over there? I fucked him. You see that buddy over there? I fucked him too. I never thought I'd see them again.
Carrie Bradshaw: Well, maybe you should start tagging your married men and that way you can keep track of them.

Samantha Jones: [drunk, to Carrie, on the possibility that Carrie's boyfriend will propose to her] If you turn into one of those married assholes, I'll kill you.

Samantha Jones: [to Peter] I heard about you. Big pepper mill dick!


"Sex and the City: Models and Mortals (#1.2)" (1998)
Samantha Jones: I've been out with lots of guys and they say I am just as beautiful as a model, but I work for a living. I mean, I'm like, well... I'm like a model who's taken the high road.

Miranda Hobbes: What I wanna know is, when did all the men get together and decide that they would only get it up for giraffes with big breasts?
Charlotte York: In some cultures, heavy women with moustaches are considered beautiful.
Samantha Jones: And you're looking at me while you're saying that?

Samantha Jones: I happen to love the way I look.
Miranda Hobbes: You should. You paid enough for it.
Samantha Jones: Hey! I resent that! I do not believe in plastic surgery. Well, not yet.

Carrie Bradshaw: So, wait, what happened you couldn't find seats right on the runway?
Samantha Jones: Oh, you can see all the flaws from this angle.

Samantha Jones: [about Barkely] Is he dating any one model in particular?
Carrie Bradshaw: Actually, he's sleeping with all of them in general.


"Sex and the City: I Heart NY (#4.18)" (2002)
Samantha Jones: Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore. If it's bad you just had sex with an ex.
Carrie Bradshaw: It wouldn't be bad.
Samantha Jones: Oh.

Samantha: Where were you on your lunch break? I stopped by your office and you weren't there.
Richard: I was eating.
Samantha: Eating? Eating who?

Charlotte York: Miranda has a son!
Samantha: Just what the world needs. Another man.

Samantha: My name's Samantha and I'm a loveaholic.


"Sex and the City: Three's a Crowd (#1.8)" (1998)
Charlotte York: Jack wants us to do a threesome.
Miranda: Of course he does. Every guy does.
Samantha Jones: Threesomes are huge right now. They're the blow job of the nineties.
Charlotte York: What was the blow job of the eighties?
Samantha Jones: Anal sex.
Carrie: Any sex, period.
Miranda: Don't let him pressure you into it. It's just this guy's cheap ploy to watch you be a lesbian for a night.
Samantha Jones: Don't knock it till you tried it.

Carrie: Well, I've never done a threesome.
Samantha Jones: Come on, of course you haven't. You in a threesome? You won't even wear a thong!

Samantha Jones: [Discussing whom to call into the threesome] Just make sure that the other woman isn't a friend. Use somebody random, you know, somebody you meet in a bar or something.
Miranda: That's romantic!
Charlotte York: No, I think that I'd feel safer with a friend. With someone I could trust, like Carrie.
Carrie: Oh, gee, I'm flattered. But umm, I'd go with someone who has a little more experience, like Sam.
Samantha Jones: Well, thanks. But there is something sexy about a first-timer like Charlotte.
Charlotte York: Really?
Miranda: [feeling out of the loop] Oh great, no, forget about me.
Samantha Jones, Charlotte York, Carrie: Oh, come on!
Miranda: You know, I'd do it with you guys. It's like, it's like picking teams for dodge ball all over again.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Was Samantha right? Were threesomes the new sexual frontier? No question. Guys were infatuated with threesomes. And when I started looking, they were everywhere. After all, our lives are built on threesomes. Fat, low-fat, non-fat. First, Business, Economy. Moe, Larry, Curly. Maybe we were never meant to do it with only one other person. Maybe threesomes were the relationship of the future. Meanwhile, Samantha had been busy guest starring in a show I like to call 'Sam Does The Married Guy'.

Samantha Jones: This is ideal No muss, no fuss.
Carrie: Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.
Miranda: Does this color turn you on?
Samantha Jones: [voice over narration] You had to hand it to Miranda. She was determined.


"Sex and the City: The Ick Factor (#6.14)" (2004)
Carrie: [offscreen] The only thing harder than choosing a spot for your wedding when you hate weddings is choosing a wedding gift for your friend who hates weddings.
Charlotte: What about a guest book?
Carrie: There's gonna be like eight of us there. There's no one to keep track of. I can't believe Miranda is getting married.
Charlotte: [holds up heart shaped dish] This is pretty!
Samantha: Oh, she'll hate that. Too domestic.
Carrie: And too bridey.
Samantha: Yeah, let's try not to piss her off.
Charlotte: Maybe we should just buy her a stapler, wrap it in brown paper and just smear some dog poo on it! Think she'd be comfortable with that?
Carrie: Fine. We'll get the dish.

Samantha: What's French for "ick"?
Miranda: Eeck.

Charlotte: Samantha, you look so pretty today!
Samantha: Thanks. I have cancer.


"Sex and the City: Anchors Away (#5.1)" (2002)
Samantha: Come and get me, sailors.

[the girls are walking down a street. As Miranda bends down to rearrange Brady, Samantha spots sailors up ahead]
Samantha: Ladies, seamen, 12 o'clock!
Miranda: [to Carrie] I pray when I turn around, there are sailors, because with her, you never know!

[Charlotte has just told the girls about a magazine article she read which said that a woman only gets two "great loves" in her lifetime]
Charlotte: So far I've only had one great love - Trey.
[to Miranda]
Charlotte: How many great loves have you had?
Miranda: Zero.
Carrie: Really? What about Steve?
Miranda: Steve's a friend, not a core-shaker.
Samantha: Well, I'm done with great love. I'm back to great lovers.
Miranda: [to Carrie] You?
Carrie: I refuse to define love in those limited terms
Miranda: [laughing] I had to!
Charlotte: Oh, come on Carrie! Aidan and Big!
[Charlotte pauses as she realizes what she just said. Carrie looks up at her]
Carrie: One, two. And according to you, I'm done!
Charlotte: No, no, it was a stupid article. It was at the dentist!
Carrie: No, no, no, no, too late now. You said it, it's over for me. "Here lies Carrie. She had two loves and lots o' shoes."


"Sex and the City: The Post-It Always Sticks Twice (#6.7)" (2003)
Samantha Jones: [reading the post-it from Berger] "I'm sorry, I can't, don't hate me." Motherfucker's concise.

Carrie: Oh, oh. Do you smell that?
Samantha Jones: Pot!
Carrie: Let's get high.

Charlotte: Where are going to get any?
Samantha Jones: Well, I'd call my dealer, but he's at the Cape.


"Sex and the City: Great Sexpectations (#6.2)" (2003)
Samantha: Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me!

Samantha: It's for that hot waiter from Raw. I'm sleeping with him tonight. But he doesn't know it yet

Carrie, Charlotte: Who else has news?
Charlotte: I do. But you will have to put down your menus because I need your undivided attention.
Samantha: Well, you'll have to shoot our waiter. Will you look at that ass?
Charlotte: I have something a bit shocking to say. And after I say it, I don't want anyone to react because I'm very happy with my decision. I'm becoming a Jew.


"Sex and the City: Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys (#1.4)" (1998)
Miranda Hobbes: If he goes up your butt, will he respect you more or respect you less? That's the issue.
Taxi Driver: [to Carrie] No smoking in the cab.
Carrie: Sir, we're talking up the butt. A cigarette is in order.
Samantha Jones: Front, back, who cares? A hole is a hole.
Miranda Hobbes: Can I quote you?
Samantha Jones: Don't be so judgmental. You could use a little back door.
Charlotte: I'm not a hole.
Carrie: Honey, we know.

Samantha Jones: [on the phone] I am so fucked.
Carrie: What's wrong?
Samantha Jones: No, I mean, literally. I have been fucked every way you can be fucked.
Carrie: If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna have to charge you by the minute.
[goes to a voiceover]
Carrie: As I searched for my morning Marlboro Light, Samantha proceed to give me a rundown of her night with Jon - no "H", no inhibitions.
[voiceover ends]
Samantha Jones: We did with him on top. Me on top. Me on my side.
Carrie: Him on his side?
Samantha Jones: Oh, God, yes. On his back, on his side, on his face. Have you ever done that?
Carrie: It's too early to remember.
Samantha Jones: Well, do it immediately. It is fabulous. These guys in their twenties, they are up for anything. How did it go with uh, you and Sam?
Carrie: We kissed.
Samantha Jones: Just kissed?
Carrie: No. We just kissed for five hours, - at the club, in front of the club, on the corner of the club. I forgot how much fun it is to just kiss, you know, even if I did only get two hours of sleep.
Samantha Jones: I didn't sleep at all.
Carrie: [narrating voiceover] As Samantha went on about her sexual escapades, I glanced down at my arm. There it was in Bic blue. Twenty-something Sam's phone number. I had this sudden urge to call but I'd just left him. Hell, my lips were still swollen. Why this sudden craving? Are men in their twenties the new designer drug? Yes, Samantha, Miranda and I were all recreational users, but were we getting into something w couldn't handle? Okay, we were attracted to younger men for various reasons. But I couldn't help but wonder, what do they see in us?

Samantha Jones: [to Charlotte] Look, all I'm saying is this is a physical expression, that the body, well, it was designed to experience. And P.S., it's fabulous.


"Sex and the City: Critical Condition (#5.6)" (2002)
Samantha: [about a vibrator] That one actually works against you. If we wanted to work that hard we'd find ourselves a man, am I right?

Samantha: Babies are not my scene. From what I've heard, this one sounds like an asshole.
Carrie Bradshaw: You can't call a baby an asshole!
Samantha: Why not? She called him a meatloaf.


"Sex and the City: Easy Come, Easy Go (#3.9)" (2000)
Samantha: I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk...
[Charlotte storms out of the coffee shop]
Miranda: [to Carrie] And she's never coming back!

Samantha: You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.


"Sex and the City: Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl... (#3.4)" (2000)
Samantha: I'm a "trisexual". I'll try anything once.

Samantha: [to her male intern] The bad news is you're fired. The good news is now I can fuck you.


"Sex and the City: The Big Journey (#5.7)" (2002)
Samantha: Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore, if it's bad you just had sex with an ex.
Carrie: It wouldn't be bad.
Samantha: Oh.

Carrie: [on starting an all-male brothel industry] We should open one in every block, like Starbucks!
Samantha: Starfucks!


"Sex and the City: The Perfect Present (#6.3)" (2003)
Charlotte: Doesn't that waiter look familiar?
Samantha: I fucked him.
Carrie: Oh. *That* guy.

[baby Brady starts chewing on the Trojans in the diaper bag; all but Samantha are horrified]
Samantha: Oh, honey, relax. I have those in my mouth all the time.


"Sex and the City: Ex and the City (#2.18)" (1999)
Charlotte York: How could you not have seen The Way We Were?
Samantha Jones: Chick film.

Samantha: Women are for friendships, and men are for fucking.
Carrie: Honey, you have got to learn to form an opinion.


"Sex and the City: My Motherboard, My Self (#4.8)" (2001)
Samantha: Wanna wrestle!

Charlotte: Sex can still be great without an orgasm.
Samantha: That is such a crock of shit.
Carrie Bradshaw: She has a point.


"Sex and the City: Where There's Smoke... (#3.1)" (2000)
[upon seeing a firefighter stripper]
Samantha: Hello, 911. I'm on fire.

Charlotte: You have Steve.
Miranda: I don't "have" Steve. There is no having of the Steve. We're friends.
Samantha: No, *we're* friends, but I don't put my dick in you.


"Sex and the City: The Fuck Buddy (#2.14)" (1999)
Samantha: Carrie, you can't date your fuck buddy.

Samantha: You can't date your fuck buddy... You're going to take the only person in your life that's there purely for sex, no strings attached, and turn him into a human being? Why?


"Sex and the City: Luck Be an Old Lady (#5.3)" (2002)
[a fat jerk wants Miranda to leave a blackjack table when they're in Atlantic City]
Jerk One: Hey red, move your fat ass!
Carrie: [after a stunned pause] What did you just say to her?
Samantha: Who the hell do you think you are?
Jerk Two: Get in the game or get out!
Miranda: [to the girls] Guys, let's just go. It's okay.
Carrie: No, it is most certainly *not* okay!
Charlotte: Listen, you big jerk, her "ass" isn't normally this big!
Miranda: [after a pause] Yes... thank you, I almost forgot! My ass is fat because I just had a baby, you asshole!
Samantha: What's your excuse?
Carrie: Yeah, ya havin' triplets?

Carrie: Here we are ladies, Atlantic City! Look around and breathe it all in!
Carrie: [breathes in] Ahhhhhh, I've missed this! Ahhh, yeah!
Samantha: You've been here before?
Carrie: I was referring to the cigarette smoke.


"Sex and the City: Defining Moments (#4.3)" (2001)
Samantha: [to Carrie about Big] Have fun, just don't have amnesia.

Samantha: I've done the girl thing - once, twice, usually involved a guy and a couple of quaaludes. It was nice really, and really nice for the guy.


"Sex and the City: Baby, Talk Is Cheap (#4.6)" (2001)
Samantha: You've got to get online, honey. If only for the porn.


"Sex and the City: Time and Punishment (#4.7)" (2001)
Samantha: You have a lot of nerve telling me to get a wax. If you were in Aruba the natives could bead your back. And it's not just there: every time I blow you I feel like I'm flossing.


"Sex and the City: The Turtle and the Hare (#1.9)" (1998)
Miranda Hobbes: You haven't met the *Rabbit*.
Samantha Jones: Oh, come on. If you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the Horse.


"Sex and the City: The Baby Shower (#1.10)" (1998)
Charlotte: [about an old friend taking the name she made up when she was 11] She stole my baby name!
Samantha: You bitch! Let's go home.


"Sex and the City: An American Girl in Paris: Part Une (#6.19)" (2004)
[at Carrie's very emotional and weepy goodbye dinner a few hours before Carrie is leaving for Paris - Charlotte in particular is being a total weepy waterworks]
Samantha: Let's pull it up, shall we? I'd like to show my face here again.
Carrie: Yes, the tears have to go. Right. Someone say something not sentimental.
Samantha: Chemo might have kicked me into early menopause.
Miranda: Task accomplished!
Samantha: You would not BELIEVE the hot flashes! I can barely keep my clothes on!
Carrie: Really? What was your excuse before the chemo?
Samantha: [lovingly] Oh, I'm gonna miss you, you cunt.
[Charlotte breaks into tears again]
Miranda: Wow, even "cunt" didn't stop her!


"Sex and the City: The Domino Effect (#6.11)" (2003)
Carrie Bradshaw: Honey, if it hurts so much, why are we going shopping?
Samantha Jones: I have a broken toe, not a broken spirit.


"Sex and the City: Catch-38 (#6.15)" (2004)
Miranda: I don't understand, why do you have to have chemo?
Samantha Jones: Because he's an asshole!
Carrie Bradshaw: Apparently there could be something microscopic...
Samantha Jones: Like his dick!
Carrie Bradshaw: I'm sorry, do you have cancer or Tourette's?


"Sex and the City: Splat! (#6.18)" (2004)
Samantha Jones: [regarding her vibrator] I haven't used it since Smith came back.
Jerry "Smith" Jerrod: Oh, baby that's sweet.


"Sex and the City: The Real Me (#4.2)" (2001)
Samantha: Last night I could not stop thinking about a Big Mac. I finally had to get dressed, go out and pick up a guy.


"Sex and the City: I Love a Charade (#5.8)" (2002)
[at Bobby and Bitsy's wedding]
Samantha Jones: Something tells me Bitsy's not *doing* Fine.
Harry Goldenblatt: And that's the bit of information she's been "von Muffling."


"Sex and the City: Escape from New York (#3.13)" (2000)
Samantha: I have a date with a dildo.


"Sex and the City: Was It Good for You? (#2.16)" (1999)
Samantha: [on the subject of Charlotte's boyfriend who fell asleep during sex] Of course it's her fault and I can't say I'm surprised. Have you seen her on a stairmaster? Nothing happening below the waist.


"Sex and the City: Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little (#6.4)" (2003)
Jerry 'Smith' Jerrod: That's harsh.
Samantha Jones: Yeah, I am harsh. I'm also demanding, stubborn, self-sufficient and always right. In bed, at the office, and everywhere else.


"Sex and the City: Sex and the Country (#4.9)" (2001)
Samantha: Anything else around here need milking?


"Sex and the City: All or Nothing (#3.10)" (2000)
Samantha: Until he says "I love you", you're a free agent.
Carrie: What is this? The Rules According to Samantha?
Samantha: See? I'm more old-fashioned than you think.


"Sex and the City: Let There Be Light (#6.13)" (2004)
[about Alek's sex appeal]
Carrie Bradshaw: I almost did it with him on a park bench in front of children.
Samantha Jones: What stopped you?
Carrie Bradshaw: Uh, common decency?
Samantha Jones: [flippantly] Oh, that.


"Sex and the City: The Big Time (#3.8)" (2000)
Charlotte: Oh my God! Vagina weights!
Samantha: Honey, my vagina waits for no man.


"Sex and the City: The Monogamists (#1.7)" (1998)
[Talking about oral sex]
Charlotte York: The truth is, I hate doing it.
Samantha Jones: Honey, you can't be serious!
Miranda Hobbes: Are you telling us you never perform this act?
Carrie: She'll juggle, she'll spin plates, but she won't give head.
Charlotte York: I don't like putting it in my mouth! I have a very sensitive gag reflex and it makes me want to puke!
Miranda Hobbes: That's one way to say no.
Charlotte York: It's not like I haven't tried. I practiced on a banana, I pretended it was a Popsicle, but... I just don't like it.
Miranda Hobbes: Personally, I'm loving it, up to the point where the guy wants me to swallow.
Carrie: Well that's just, that's really a judgment call.
Samantha Jones: Some men just take it so personally if you don't.
Miranda Hobbes: Some guys don't give you a choice!
Carrie: Well that's just bad behavior.
Charlotte York: Are you honestly telling me you like it?
Carrie: Well, it's not my favorite thing on the menu, but you know, I'll order it from time to time, and, with the right guy, it can be nice.
Miranda Hobbes: Oral sex is like God's gift to women. - You can get off without worrying about getting pregnant.
Samantha Jones: Plus the sense of power is such a turn-on, maybe you're on your knees, but you got him by the balls.
Charlotte York: You see, that is the reason that I don't want to go down this road.
Carrie: Well sweetheart, if you're gonna get all choked up about it...
[Carrie and Miranda exchange looks about the pun]
Carrie: , just don't do it, don't do it!
Miranda Hobbes: But if you don't go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you?
Charlotte York: I don't.
Miranda Hobbes: Oh, well, forget it! I only give head to get head!
Samantha Jones: Me, too.


"Sex and the City: Sex and the City (#1.1)" (1998)
Carrie Bradshaw: [voiceover narration] I didn't understand. Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached? And if I was really having sex like a man, why didn't I feel more in control?
Samantha Jones: [pointing to Mr. Big] You see that guy? He's the next Donald Trump. Except he's younger and much better looking.


"Sex and the City: To Market, to Market (#6.1)" (2003)
Samantha Jones: No smoking in bars? What's next, no fucking in bars?
Miranda Hobbes: Well, first there would have to be a no-fucking section.


"Sex and the City: Attack of the Five Foot Ten Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
[about "Roman Numeral" guys]
Samantha Jones: I find that the higher the number, the worse the sex. I went out Some Guy the Third who couldn't even get it up.
Miranda Hobbes: Imagine how bad Henry VIII must have been.


"Sex and the City: Change of a Dress (#4.15)" (2002)
Samantha: [to the girls] I think I have monogamy. I caught it from you people.
Carrie: Now it's airborne.


"Sex and the City: A Woman's Right to Shoes (#6.9)" (2003)
[complaining about her husband]
Charlotte: We have a tea bag situation.
Samantha: Oh honey, I totally understand. Just breathe through your nose.
[pause. All stare at Samantha]
Samantha: When you're sucking his balls.


"Sex and the City: Just Say Yes (#4.12)" (2001)
Carrie Bradshaw: I'm engaged.
Samantha Jones: Fuck you!


"Sex and the City: The Cold War (#6.17)" (2004)
Miranda Hobbes: Elizabeth Taylor got gang-banged in the park?
Samantha Jones: Oh god, that's so 80's!


"Sex and the City: Evolution (#2.11)" (1999)
Samantha: I need a new gynecologist. Do you like yours?
Miranda: Not right now, no.
Samantha: Well, at least she's a woman. I tried to go to a man, but it was just too strange. Having a guy spend all that time down there and then you leave, without an orgasm and a bill!


"Sex and the City: The Freak Show (#2.3)" (1999)
Harrison: I think you should know my specialty is sexual harrassment.
Samantha Jones: Really. So is mine.


"Sex and the City: Games People Play (#2.13)" (1999)
Samantha: If we could perpetually do blowjobs to every guy on earth, we would own the world.
Carrie: And at least our hands would be free to greet dignitaries and everything.


Sex and the Matrix (2000) (TV)
Samantha Jones: Shh! Get back to the part about the big black man.


"Sex and the City: An American Girl in Paris: Part Deux (#6.20)" (2004)
Smith Jerrod: Hey, babe, I flew back.
Samantha: You flew all night? Why?
Smith Jerrod: I forgot to tell you something on the phone: I love you.
Samantha: You flew back to tell me that?
Smith Jerrod: Can you think of a better reason?
Samantha: [with a tear in her eye] No, I can't. You have meant more to me than any man I have ever known.


"Sex and the City: Shortcomings (#2.15)" (1999)
Samantha Jones: I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool. He was pretty much of a nerd, but I'd go over there and get all coca-buttered up. His mom loved me. She was always serving me Kool-Aid and chips.
Carrie: Kool-Aid?
Samantha Jones: Yeah, Kool-Aid. I was 13. And honey, you should have seen my tan.


"Sex and the City: A 'Vogue' Idea (#4.17)" (2002)
Samantha: Can we cut the cake? I have a three-way to go to.


"Sex and the City: Oh Come All Ye Faithful (#1.12)" (1998)
Charlotte York: Is he a good kisser?
Samantha Jones: Oh, who the fuck cares? His dick is like a gherkin.