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Quotes for
Tess Skeffington (Character)
from Murder by Death (1976)

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Murder by Death (1976)
Tess Skeffington: His mother was a Roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage.

Sam Diamond: No pinkies? You mean Twain has only got eight fingers?
Tess Skeffington: No, no, he's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies.

Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!
Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?
Dora Charleston: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?
Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

[a bomb is about to explode]
Sam Diamond: I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around!
Tess Skeffington: I've turned, Sam.
Sam Diamond: Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so.
Tess Skeffington: [turns around] But Sam...
Sam Diamond: I SAID TURN AROUND!
Tess Skeffington: Yes, Sam.
Sam Diamond: Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.

Tess Skeffington: He had one daughter, thirty-two, her name's Irene, but she calls herself Rita.
Sam Diamond: Just like a dame.

Sam Diamond: That was then, this is now, and nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are, whether we like it or not.
Tess Skeffington: Oh, Sam, I worry about you sometimes. I really do.

Tess Skeffington: There's nothing on him 'til '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas, for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons.
Sam Diamond: I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel.

Tess Skeffington: My feet are killing me. Why didn't you tell me we needed oil before I went back for gas?

Sam Diamond: Wouldn't you know, out of gas.
Tess Skeffington: I saw a station about five miles back, Sam.
Sam Diamond: [hands her a gas can] I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.

Tess Skeffington: I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out.
Sam Diamond: Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.

Sam Diamond: I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentlemen. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?
Tess Skeffington: I don't care about the money, Sam.
Sam Diamond: Neither do I.

Tess Skeffington: I'm scared, Sam. Hold me.
Sam Diamond: Hold yourself. I'm busy.

Tess Skeffington: Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.
Sam Diamond: I was working on a case! Working.
Tess Skeffington: Every night for six months?

Tess Skeffington: He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam.
Sam Diamond: Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?

Sam Diamond: I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?
Tess Skeffington: Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...
Sam Diamond: All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.

Tess Skeffington: Sam, you're spitting on the nurse.

Tess Skeffington: He was arrested in 1932 in Chicago for selling pornographic Bibles. The D.A. couldn't make the charge stick when the church refused to turn over the Bibles.

Sam Diamond: Maybe I'm just a patsy being set up take the fall, but I'm not falling for any o'yous, you understand?
Tess Skeffington: Not even me, Sam?
Sam Diamond: Why don't you fall in love with the Jap kid and get off my back?

Dick Charleston: [Cutting-room floor-scene of the Charlestons driving through heavy fog to Twain Manor] ... You know something, darling? I smell crime in the air.
Dora Charleston: I'm not surprised. You just ran over a small animal.
Dick Charleston: Did I? Oh, sorry about that... LOOK OUT!
[he slams on the brakes to avoid hitting Tess]
Dick Charleston: ... Hello out there! Are you hurt?
Tess Skeffington: [exhausted from walking] ... Oh, I'm fine - I just hiked five miles back this way from the gas station. Thank Heavens you saw me when you did.
Dick Charleston: Oh yes, I wouldn't want blood on my hands twice in one night. Well, keep to the side of the road.
[he drives off, leaving Tess standing there!]

Tess Skeffington: Sam, why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office?
Sam Diamond: Suspects. Always looking for suspects.