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: I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they take the clothes and bring the body back. Who would do a thing like that? Dick Charleston
: Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.
: Locked, from the inside. That can only mean one thing. And I don't know what it is.
: It is late, and my eyes are getting tired. Sam Diamond
: I thought they always looked like that. Jessica Marbles
: Knock it off, Sam! Sam Diamond
: I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty. Sidney Wang
: Um... thank you.
: Mr. Diamond, there's a bullet hole in your jacket. Sam Diamond
: You should see the other guy.
: That drives me crazy! Sam Diamond
: Sounds like a short ride to me.
: Is he dead? Sam Diamond
: With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.
: No pinkies? You mean Twain has only got eight fingers? Tess Skeffington
: No, no, he's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies.
: The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.
: I'm the greatest, I'm number one! Sam Diamond
: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean? Dora Charleston
: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington? Tess Skeffington
: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.
: Why don't you push her wheelchair down the driveway? We got business here!
: Where were ya Wang, we was worried!
[a bomb is about to explode
] Sam Diamond
: I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around! Tess Skeffington
: I've turned, Sam. Sam Diamond
: Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so. Tess Skeffington
: [turns around
] But Sam... Sam Diamond
: I SAID TURN AROUND! Tess Skeffington
: Yes, Sam. Sam Diamond
: Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.
: He had one daughter, thirty-two, her name's Irene, but she calls herself Rita. Sam Diamond
: Just like a dame.
: That was then, this is now, and nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are, whether we like it or not. Tess Skeffington
: Oh, Sam, I worry about you sometimes. I really do.
: There's nothing on him 'til '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas, for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons. Sam Diamond
: I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel.
: Wouldn't you know, out of gas. Tess Skeffington
: I saw a station about five miles back, Sam. Sam Diamond
: [hands her a gas can
] I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.
: The lady here in the rented dress is my secretary and mistress, Miss Tess Skeffington.
: I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out. Sam Diamond
: Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.
: Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go.
: I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentlemen. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel? Tess Skeffington
: I don't care about the money, Sam. Sam Diamond
: Neither do I.
[stumbling around during a blackout
] Dora Charleston
: Dickie, don't. You know how I get when you touch me there. Dick Charleston
: Me, darling? I've got my hands in my pockets. Sam Diamond
: I'm afraid they're my pockets. Dick Charleston
: Oh, sorry about that. Dora Charleston
: Dickie, behave yourself.
: You say you know who's going to get it? Lionel Twain
: Intimately. Inspector Milo Perrier
: And you know how the crime is to be committed? Lionel Twain
: Definitely. Sidney Wang
: And exactly what time murder to take place? Lionel Twain
: *The* murder. Precisely. Dora Charleston
: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?
: You pit your wits with me, little man, and you won't have your wits to pit with, know what I mean?
: [after noticing that he is incorrectly seated next to his own wife, Charleston asks to switch places with Wang. An instant after they both stand up, two rapiers fall from the ceiling to bury themselves in the gentlemen's chairs
] ... Just as I thought: another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am ENORMOUSLY well-bred. Sam Diamond
: ...Lucky it wasn't me, or I'd be chopped liver by now.
: If you ask me, anybody that offers a million bucks to solve a crime that ain't been committed yet has lost a lot more upstairs than his hair.
[everyone holds hands to prevent themselves from being killed
] Sam Diamond
: Stop that. Stop that, I said. Dick Charleston
: What is it, Diamond? Sam Diamond
: The nurse is giving my palm the finger, the dirty old broad.
: Look all over him. Dick Charleston
: All over his body? Sam Diamond
: Well, somebody's gotta do it. I'm busy standing guard. Dick Charleston
: Why don't I stand guard? You look all over the body. Sam Diamond
: All right, we'll take turns. You look over the first dead, naked body that we find and I'll look over the second.
: My hat's off to the man with the shiv in his back. Except for the fact that he's dead, he was no dope.
Inspector Milo Perrier
: A mannequin. Sam Diamond
: No, a dummy.
: Another diversion. He gives us meaningless clues to confuse us, dangles red herrings before our eyes, bedazzles us with bizarre banalities, while all the time precious seconds are ticking away towards a truly terrible murder still to come. Sam Diamond
: You're good, Charleston. You're not my kind of cop, but you're smart and you smell good. You're not a pansy, I know that, but what the hell are ya? Dick Charleston
: Classy, I suppose.
: I'm scared, Sam. Hold me. Sam Diamond
: Hold yourself. I'm busy.
: Shut up, all of ya's. Nobody move! Dick Charleston
: What is it? Sam Diamond
: I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothin.'
: Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar. Sam Diamond
: I was working on a case! Working. Tess Skeffington
: Every night for six months?
: He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam. Sam Diamond
: Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?
: I was in disguise in disguise in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks a day in this racket.
: I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby? Tess Skeffington
: Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you... Sam Diamond
: All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.
: I never did nothin' to a man that I wouldn't do to a woman.
: Now see here, Diamond. That's a pretty tacky thing to say, isn't it? Sam Diamond
: Well, it's a pretty tacky world, Mr. Charleston.
: What is it? What's happened? Sidney Wang
: Something wrong in kitchen. Milo Perrier
: With our dinner! Sidney Wang
: No, patience, patience. Sam Diamond
: Is someone in there?
[pointing to kitchen
] Dick Charleston
: Someone in the kitchen with dinna?
: Maybe I'm just a patsy being set up take the fall, but I'm not falling for any o'yous, you understand? Tess Skeffington
: Not even me, Sam? Sam Diamond
: Why don't you fall in love with the Jap kid and get off my back?
: Sam, why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office? Sam Diamond
: Suspects. Always looking for suspects.
: Did ya ever make it with a waitress? Dick Charleston
: I beg your your pardon? Sam Diamond
: A waitress. Big, fat waitress. I don't know what them society dames are like in the kit, but you ain't never had it 'til you made it with a big, fat, blondie waitress. If you're ever interested, you give me a call.