E.B. Farnum
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Quotes for
E.B. Farnum (Character)
from "Deadwood" (2004)

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"Deadwood: E.B. Was Left Out (#2.7)" (2005)
E.B. Farnum: The bald contempt of it. Why not come out five abreast, cavorting and taunting - "E.B. was left out. E.B. was left out." Cocksuckers. Cunt-lickers. I'll make you filthy gestures. Public service was never my primary career.

E.B. Farnum: And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions?
Al Swearengen: Tell her I wouldn't say.
E.B. Farnum: And if she asks me why you wouldn't?
Al Swearengen: Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry till told to shut his fucking mouth and act on the task he was asked to fucking do!
E.B. Farnum: Yes sir. Fine, thank you.

Al Swearengen: What do you know of the fisticuffs?
E.B. Farnum: Amongst who?
Johnny Burns: Utter and that fella you was sitting with downstairs the other day.
E.B. Farnum: Wolcott? Just now, when I was leaving the hotel, Wolcitt had accidentally stepped on Utter's foot.
Johnny Burns: If Utter's got corns, that might could have touched it off.

E.B. Farnum: The bald contempt of it! Why not come out five abreast cavorting and taunting 'E.B. was left out! E.B. was left out!'? Cocksuckers! Cuntlickers! Make your filthy gestures. Public service was never my primary career... Two come this way!

E.B. Farnum: I believe she's in. As is the child... which may confound his intention.


"Deadwood: Tell Your God to Ready for Blood (#3.1)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.
E.B. Farnum: Not my remains, Al.
Al Swearengen: Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.

Al Swearengen: Lie the fuck back, and listen. I need your truthful reply - lie, I will know it... and death will be no respite.
E.B. Farnum: I told Hearst nothing of Bullock and the widow.
Al Swearengen: I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.!
E.B. Farnum: Not my remains, Al...
Al Swearengen: Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.

Al Swearengen: Anyway, tonight's speeches are fucking canceled. Nurse your fucking wounds.
E.B. Farnum: Thank you.
Al Swearengen: I do not mean here.

Seth Bullock: You piece of shit.
[Bullock grabs E.B. and throws him to the ground]
E.B. Farnum: How have I given offence.
[Bullock begins to beat E.B]
E.B. Farnum: [to Richardson] Call the law.


"Deadwood: Sold Under Sin (#1.12)" (2004)
E.B. Farnum: Hey doc the cavalry is in town.
Doc Cochran: Fuck the Cavalry!

E.B. Farnum: [as Russell leaves the hotel] Antemeridian constitutional, Mr. Russell? Or will we roll the bones again?
Otis Russell: It must cost you sleep. The guests you drive off, the chances of thievin' and bilkin' you lose, needing to rub against your betters.
[he smiles and heads for the door, but before he can walk out, Seth confronts him in a barely concealed rage]
Seth Bullock: You and I are gonna talk.
Otis Russell: You don't account for my preferences, Mr. Bullock?
Seth Bullock: I will beat you here in the street.
Otis Russell: First-rate thinking.
[he steps around Seth and begins walking; Seth follows him]
Otis Russell: My daughter's agent beats her father in the street. How better to condemn Alma to deepened suspicion as to her role in her husband's violent death, and widen suspicion to include yourself? Shoot craps, Mr. Bullock?
[they head into the Bella Union, as everyone in town watches or follows them in. E.B. grabs his hat and heads for the door]
E.B. Farnum: [to Richardson] I know what's in the till.
[Russell and Seth walk over to Eddie's craps table]
Otis Russell: Were you bullied, Mr. Bullock, when young and incapable? And now you see wrongs everywhere and bullying you feel called to remedy?
[he throws some money down on the table]
Otis Russell: Ten, lay due.
Eddie Sawyer: New shooter, comin' out.
Otis Russell: The bully who oppressed your youth isn't at the table with us. Perhaps he's long dead.
[he rolls the dice]
Eddie Sawyer: Eight, point is eight.
Otis Russell: If you would view the present with more clarity, perhaps you'd recognize that I'm not victimizing my daughter but merely asking for a small portion of the ample proceeds from her vein.
[he rolls again]
Eddie Sawyer: Seven out.
Otis Russell: Alma is hurt only in your particular view of things. Ten again, lay due.
[he slaps some more money on the table, staring straight at Seth this time]
Otis Russell: And while I'll sign no guarantee not to return, or against any future claim on her compassion, realize I do hate it here. And if you inhale and expel pure righteousness, my olfactories are keen to the smell of shit.
[he rolls again]
Eddie Sawyer: Six, the point is six.
Otis Russell: Having heard all that, and knowing, as you must, the injudiciousness of making an enemy of a man who could testify truthfully that five minutes before her marriage, he heard his daughter wish her prospective husband dead, and who won't shrink from lying as to what she admitted to him on his arrival in this cesspool as to her complicity in her husband's murder... I suppose you'd best take your swing.
[Seth looks at him for a moment, then punches him in the face, knocking him to the floor]
Eddie Sawyer: [not upset at all] Gentlemen, watch the felt.
[Seth begins savagely beating Russell]
Sol Star: Seth!
[he keeps going]
Sol Star: Seth!
[he keeps going]
Sol Star: Seth!
[Seth finally stands up]
Seth Bullock: All right. Leave this this camp, and draw a map for anyone who wants to believe your fuckin' lies. Anyone who wants to put your daughter or her holdings in jeopardy, you show 'em how to get here. And you tell 'em I'll be waiting.


"Deadwood: Mister Wu (#1.10)" (2004)
E.B. Farnum: August commencement to my administration, standing stymied outside a saloon next to a degenerate tit-licker.

E.B. Farnum: [as he watches the "Tit Licker" leave the saloon] I begrudge that man his capacity for happiness. I do.


"Deadwood: I Am Not the Fine Man You Take Me For (#3.2)" (2006)
E.B. Farnum: Could you have been born, Richardson? And not egg-hatched as I've always assumed? Did your mother hover over you, snaggle-toothed and doting as you now hover over me?
Richardson: I loved my mother.
E.B. Farnum: Puberty may bring you to understand, what we take for mother love is really murderous hatred and a desire for revenge.
Richardson: Will you give your speech to be Mayor tonight?
E.B. Farnum: Whatever night I give it, count on me not to mince words. 'Electors of the camp, as to who should serve as Mayor reasonable men may differ, but as to who should be Sheriff we all ought speak with one voice and our words should be turn out the maniac Bullock, who set upon the Mayor unprovoked, who beat him with merciless protraction. Bulllock should be murdered! We should rise up and murder Bullock! Thank you very much.'
Richardson: My father didn't liked me.
E.B. Farnum: I'd like to use your ointment to suffocate you.

E.B. Farnum: Could you have been born, Richardson, and not egg-hatched as I've always assumed?


"Deadwood: Full Faith and Credit (#3.4)" (2006)
E.B. Farnum: Trailing clouds of glory.
Hotel Patron: Do you read Wordsworth?
E.B. Farnum: I do not, Madam, no. How do you come to ask?
Hotel Patron: You've just quoted him.
E.B. Farnum: Well, I have a digest from which I memorize, supressing the author's names. Enjoy your supper.
[to himself]
E.B. Farnum: When will I raise courage to search that woman's room?

E.B. Farnum: What have the Gods decreed?
Al Swearengen: Too fearful and upset to relive it, E.B.


"Deadwood: Plague (#1.6)" (2004)
E.B. Farnum: [muttering to himself] Al Swearingen's a cue and Farnum merely is a billiard ball.


"Deadwood: Something Very Expensive (#2.6)" (2005)
Trixie: I'm going in.
E.B. Farnum: Then why am I in the first chair?
Trixie: Anyone else suck his prick?


"Deadwood: Boy-the-Earth-Talks-To (#2.12)" (2005)
E.B. Farnum: Allow me a moment's silence Mr Hearst, sir, I'm having a digestive crisis and must focus on repressing it's expression.


"Deadwood: New Money (#2.3)" (2005)
Francis Wolcott: This oatmeal looks old.
E.B. Farnum: It does, doesn't it? Richardson, Goddamn you! The oatmeal is clotted.
Richardson: Well, it's 45 minutes yet till the three hours.
E.B. Farnum: Stop spouting gibberish and replace the damned oatmeal.


"Deadwood: A Rich Find (#3.6)" (2006)
E.B. Farnum: Hearst... is he Caesar? To have fights to the death for diversion, murder his workers at whim, smash passages in the fucking wall? A man of less wealth would be in fucking restraints!
Al Swearengen: We are in the presence of the new.
E.B. Farnum: Fuck the fucking new! Jesus Christ, Al... is it over for us here?
Al Swearengen: Go back to the hotel, E.B.
E.B. Farnum: Save us. Think of something!
Al Swearengen: Have I ever not?