Calamity Jane
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Quotes for
Calamity Jane (Character)
from "Deadwood" (2004)

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Calamity Jane (1953)
Calamity Jane: Make mine sarsparilly!

[the singer is a man in drag]
Wild Bill Hickok: She ain't very good lookin'
Calamity Jane: That ain't all she ain't.

Calamity Jane: This town ain't big enough! Not for me and that frilled-up, flirtin', man-rustlin' petticoat, it ain't!

Calamity Jane: Look at these! Silk, pure silk! I'll bet her mother spun 'em!

Calamity Jane: [singing] At last my heart's an open door / And my secret love's no secret any more.

Calamity Jane: That's better. Next time I tell a story, keep your hands in your *pockets* you toothless old buffalo!

Calamity Jane: Excitement? Why, I got more arrows in the back of that coach than a porcupine has got stickers!

[Bill is dressed as an Indian woman with a baby]
Calamity Jane: Gosh almighty, it's Bill Hickok!
[proceeds to laugh along with everyone else]
Wild Bill Hickok: [hands baby over] Here take him.
[stands up]
Wild Bill Hickok: The next man that laughs is gonna get his head ventilated.
[silence and Bill sits down. Calamity laughs again after a few moments]

Calamity Jane: [singing] Hi Joe / say where'd you get them fancy clothes? / I know / off some fella's laundry line. / Hi Bow / aren't you the prairie rose / Smell like a watermelon vine.

Calamity Jane: Whip, crack, away!

Calamity Jane: I got a strange feelin' somebody's bein' hustled.

Calamity Jane: [while in Chicago, sees a store window with wigs on display] Scalps!

Calamity Jane: Enjoy the show!

Wild Bill Hickok: [finds a gun hidden in Calamity's wedding dress] What's this fer?
Calamity Jane: Awww... just in case any more actresses come in from Chicagy!

The Plainsman (1936)
Calamity Jane: Tip your hat when you speak to a lady!
Wild Bill Hickok: I will... when I speak to a lady.

Calamity Jane: Bill Hickok, you ornery son-of-a-mule. You wouldn't give a bad dime to a sick kid, would you?
Wild Bill Hickok: You might be right, Calamity.
Calamity Jane: No, I ain't. I know I ain't worth a bad dime.

Calamity Jane: You're a mule-headed man, Bill Hickok.

Calamity Jane: What are you smoking? Chalk?

Calamity Jane: Maybe you're just bein' nice to me because you think you won't ever see me again.
Wild Bill Hickok: Sure, sure I'll see you again. This is a big country and trails cross sometimes.

Jack McCall: I'm gonna be a big man in this country.
Calamity Jane: [Sarcastically] You're gonna have to grow a foot, won't yuh?

Buffalo Girls (1995) (TV)
Teddy Blue: I'm too old to start drinking whiskey at ten in the morning.
Calamity Jane: Yeah, well, I'm too old to stop.

Calamity Jane: Now you've been my friend for a long time, Blue, but if you feel lower than the scum on the bottom of a pond right now, you got it comin'!

Calamity Jane: Them last few days of wildness was our glory days.

Calamity Jane: There comes a time in the life of every gold town when it either gets civilized or goes bust. Before it makes up its mind which, men go crazy drinking, gambling, whoring... cutting into each other's claims and shooting each other over trifles. Deadwood just happened to be in its hellfire days.

[in a letter to her daughter]
Calamity Jane: In them days, Janey, there was only two ways for a woman to survive out west - wifin' and whorin'. Since I wasn't cut out for either one, I had to find my own way of surviving. So I lived like a man and sometimes passed myself off as one. It got kind of sticky at times, but it gave me a kind of freedom that few women ever knew.

Calamity Jane: Billy, I got a real itch to shoot somebody this morning, so as an old friend, I'm advising you to stay out of my way.

"Deadwood: Full Faith and Credit (#3.4)" (2006)
Calamity Jane: Where would the stage be?
Joanie Stubbs: I dont know.
Calamity Jane: Yeah I don't know either.

Calamity Jane: This succeeds, Bullock, what you're trying to work out here, I will doff hat to you and no fucking mistake.
Charlie Utter: Just don't let her take off her boots.

Calamity Jane: Any fucking domicile but the graveyard suits me fine. Don't you worry about me. I got things taken care of over here.
Joanie Stubbs: I don't know either. But I do know you're welcome wherever I go.

Calamity Jane: Fuckin' Steve. The exact type malicious cocksucker tars every fuckin' drunk with his brush.

The Texan Meets Calamity Jane (1950)
Matt Baker: Miss Mullen hired a lawyer.
Colorado Charley: A lawyer?
Calamity Jane: I'll shoot it out with him, too!
Matt Baker: You can't do that, Calam! Law and order is comin' to the Gulch. Why, in a week or so, we'll have a real United States judge here. Ask Sheriff Atwood if you don't believe me.
Colorado Charley: Great jumpin' horny toads! What's this town comin' to anyway? Soon be where a man can't settle an argument in his own way!

[Calamity, Gordon and Colorado have just won a shoot-out with ruffians who stole a stagecoach]
Calamity Jane: How's your passengers?
Colorado Charley: Them? Uh, why I can't figure out which one's ready for the coroner and which one's ready for jail.

[last lines]
Calamity Jane: Well, I reckon I ain't never loved anybody else but him
[Will Bill Hickok]
Calamity Jane: anyway. Pard, we'll meet again in the Happy Hunting Grounds.
Colorado Charley: I sure hope there's plenty of room up there, Calam, 'cause when you and Wild Bill get together again, there's gonna be some tall shootin'!
Calamity Jane: When I die, Colorado, I want to be buried right here... beside him.
Narrator: Calam's wish was granted. Her friends buried her beside him. Calam died in Deadwood 27 years later on the same day of the month Wild Bill was killed - August 2nd.

Wild Bill (1995)
[Jane surprises Bill by giving him a wet sloppy kiss]
Calamity Jane: Just for old times' sake.
[Bill wipes off his mouth]
Calamity Jane: You wipin' it off?
James Butler 'Wild Bill' Hickok: No. I'm rubbin' it in.

Calamity Jane: A man that cgeats at cards ain't got no religion.

Badlands of Dakota (1941)
Calamity Jane: Hiya, boys!
Bob Holliday: Hello, Jane. When did you get in town?
Calamity Jane: A few minutes ago. Just hit the jackpot, so I'm buying the drinks.
Bob Holliday: Busy now.
Calamity Jane: Aw, now, a lady don't enjoy drinking by herself. We sitting together at the show tonight?
Bob Holliday: Maybe. You going home and change your clothes? Don't you ever wear dresses anymore?
Calamity Jane: Not unless I have to. Makes me feel too darn effeminate.

Calamity Jane: I want to see what a "lady" looks like.
Anne Grayson: Well really, I...
Jim Holliday: Jane, there's been a mistake.
Calamity Jane: A big mistake. So you thought you could horn in, did ya? Well, there ain't no place in this camp for ladies. You're going out on the next stage.
Jim Holliday: [to Anne] Oh, this is Jane, eh...
Calamity Jane: Never mind the introductions. I'll tell her who I am. Me and Bob helped settle this town. We trapped for food 'fore the wagon trains come, and we fought Indians 'fore there were soldiers. And when the smallpox hit us, I nursed him through it. Could you have done that, with your pretty face and your fine clothes?
Jim Holliday: If you'd only listen to me...
Calamity Jane: I've listened long enough. I'm doing the talkin' now. No frizzly-haired, hoity-toity petticoat rustler's going to beat my time.

"Deadwood: Childish Things (#2.8)" (2005)
[last lines]
Calamity Jane: Did you just kill that girl in the Chez Amis?
Francis Wolcott: I did not. That girl in the Chez Amis is well.
Calamity Jane: So whose blood's on your own fucking mug?
Francis Wolcott: My own. My name is Francis Wolcott. If you find me untrue in any particular, I stay at the Grand Central Hotel.
Calamity Jane: Who runs that joint?
Francis Wolcott: A grotesque named Farnum.
Calamity Jane: You ain't lied, so far.

Calamity Jane: Maybe I will have a fuckin' drink, just for sociability's sake, and 'cause I'm a fuckin' drunk.
Joanie Stubbs: Well, what's Your preference?
Calamity Jane: That it ain't been previously swallowed.

Young Bill Hickok (1940)
Wild Bill Hickok: Louise, this is Calamity Jane or Miss Canary in polite society.
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: Well, I never get in it, so just call me Calamity. Howdy.
Louise Mason: How do you do.
Wild Bill Hickok: An' this is Gabby Witacker.
'Gabby' Whitaker: [Gesturing to Calamity] I'm her uncle.
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: Don't a have the derndest luck?
'Gabby' Whitaker: Meanin' Me?
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: No, that pony's gone lame. We've gotta go see about it.
'Gabby' Whitaker: We ain't got no lame pony.
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: Well then come on out and help me trip one.

[while Bill and Louise are in the cabin, Calamity is peeking through a window while standing on Gabby's back]
'Gabby' Whitaker: It ain't proper to be spyin' on a couple a courtin'. What's he doin' now?
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: Uncle Gabby, He's a puttin' his arm around her.
'Gabby' Whitaker: He ain't!
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: He is!
[Calamity looks in the window]
Miss Calamity Jane Canary: Now he's kissin' her!
'Gabby' Whitaker: He is!
[Gabby stands up to look through the window and leaves Calamity sitting in the dust with a harness collar on her]

"Deadwood: Amalgamation and Capital (#2.9)" (2005)
Charlie Utter: How did the two of you get along?
Calamity Jane: Did I just fucking say I was moving in there?
Charlie Utter: Which being it's a fucking whorehouse could indicate some fucking business arrangement or some other fucking thing.
Calamity Jane: Yeah, I'm gonna be Queen Hooker. You're a keen fucking student of the human scene, Charlie!

Calamity Jane: And you not only a fucking pain in the balls, Charlie, but also the strangest fucking person I ever met.

"Deadwood: Complications (#2.5)" (2005)
Hugo Jarry: Will you two be quiet?
Calamity Jane: Not only will we not be quiet, you frog-faced fuck. I'm gonna take this stick, and drag it back and forth across the bars of your cell.
[Jane gets up and does so]
Hugo Jarry: I am not a prisoner. I am in protective custody.
Calamity Jane: In care of a deputy deputized by the deputy sheriff, who orders you to shut the fuck up!
[Jane hits the cell with the stick]

Hugo Jarry: I'm thirsty.
Calamity Jane: Lie on your back, take aim and piss.

The Paleface (1948)
Potter: That's Indian country out there!
Calamity Jane: You're not afraid of a few Indians, are you?
Potter: It's not the Indians I'm afraid of. It's their attitudes.

Potter: Indian country. Do we have to go that way?
Calamity Jane: Now Painless, I'll be with you. You're not afraid, are you?
Potter: No. I can always get another scalp.

"Deadwood: A Rich Find (#3.6)" (2006)
Calamity Jane: I have been recently engaged in complicated negotiations with niggers, who equal any other creature walking upright at being able to fuck themselves up!

Calamity Jane: I'll see to the buryin'
[of Hostetler]
Calamity Jane: with you. I owe a visit up there anyways.
Samuel Fields: That ain't gonna raise your popularity with your fellow white people.
Calamity Jane: Question I wake to in the morning and pass out with at night: "What's my popularity with my fellow white people?"

"Deadwood: Tell Your God to Ready for Blood (#3.1)" (2006)
Calamity Jane: Custer was a cunt. The end.

Calamity Jane: Every day takes figuring out all over again how to fucking live.

"Deadwood: A Lie Agreed Upon: Part II (#2.2)" (2005)
[while working late at night in his cabin, Doc Cochran hears a thud, followed by Calamity Jane yelling at the passersby]
Calamity Jane: OW! Keep your fuckin' distance! Remain on your side of the street! Do not interfere with me in any way! Chinese cocksuckers! Ugh, Jesus...
[Cochran comes out of his cabin to find a drunken Jane lying in the mud next to her horse, her foot tangled in the stirrup]
Doc Cochran: Well, you are an entangled inebriate, are you not?
Calamity Jane: [slurring her words] This happens to be a rig and contraption of my own devising against repeated accidental falls that has temporarily malfunctioned.
Doc Cochran: Very well knotted.
[he begins untying her]
Calamity Jane: I'm back in camp, Cochran, 'cause I'm dyin', and I need a place to breathe my fuckin' last. And not for no human aid or consolation.
[Cochran struggles to untie the knot]
Calamity Jane: Jesus Christ, you're bad with your hands! If I wasn't practically fuckin' dead, I'd reach that knife and cut myself free.
[she grunts slightly]
Calamity Jane: Yeah, I just farted, so what?
[Cochran pulls the aforementioned knife out of a saddlebag]
Calamity Jane: Hey, hey hey!
[she grabs the knife out of his hands]
Calamity Jane: Don't you disarm me, you cocksucker! Lift me up so I can cut myself free!
[he gets behind Jane to pull her up by the armpits]
Doc Cochran: All right, ready?
[he lifts her up, and Jane cuts the rope that held her in place]
Doc Cochran: All right now, get under here.
[he lifts Jane to her feet by her armpits as she groans drunkenly]
Doc Cochran: Step inside and let me examine you. Even if you are past help, enhancing my understanding may allow others to benefit from your mortal illness.
Calamity Jane: Do you mock me, cocksucker?
Doc Cochran: No. Come on inside.
[Jane nods]
Doc Cochran: All right. There we go.
[he throws Jane's arm over his shoulder and walks her to the door]
Calamity Jane: [slurring her words again] Promise when I'm dead, you'll plant me with a view of where Bill is.

"Overland Trail: First Stage to Denver (#1.12)" (1960)
Frank 'Flip' Flippen: How 'bout a bet, Calamity. The first one into Denver tomorrow wins; the loser pays.
Calamity Jane: You're on, Flip Flippen. Hey, ah, what are we bettin'?
Frank 'Flip' Flippen: A kiss.
Calamity Jane: A kiss! Well, what kind of bet do you call that?

"Deadwood: Amateur Night (#3.9)" (2006)
Calamity Jane: Get out of my fuckin' light!
Mose Manuel: It's me.
Calamity Jane: Who's me, the fuckin' eclipse?
Mose Manuel: Mose Manuel.
Calamity Jane: Oh really? I thought it was Giganto, the runaway circus elephant.
Mose Manuel: Ms. Stubbs' been lookin' for you. Those kids need chaperonin' to the new schoolhouse, Jane!
Calamity Jane: [covering her ears with liquor bottles] I cannot hear you, nor can I see you, any longer.
Mose Manuel: [grabs her roughly and turns her over] You fuckin' drunken slob!
[Jane screams, and Mose loosens his grip]
Mose Manuel: Get up and walk them kids.
Calamity Jane: Okay Giganto! Don't tusk me to death with your tusks. How long do I have to assemble myself?
Mose Manuel: They'll be ready to go in a few minutes.
Calamity Jane: Shut up!

"Deadwood: Plague (#1.6)" (2004)
Calamity Jane: [of a passerby who eyed her] If I had that mug on me I believe I'd cut down on gettin' told how butt-fucking ugly I was by not staring at fucking strangers.

"Deadwood: Deadwood (#1.1)" (2004)
Calamity Jane: I don't drink where I'm the only fuckin' one with balls.

"Deadwood: Leviathan Smiles (#3.8)" (2006)
Calamity Jane: [attempting to feed the injured Steve the drunk] Without a day's education, medical or otherwise, I vouchsafe this fucking truth: Those as don't eat without exception fail to survive.

The Plainsman (1966)
Calamity Jane: You see, men have got the whole world right in their punch. And you've got to show them that you are strong as they are. If you run after them they run away. And if you run away and try to get them to follow, honey they get tired mighty quick! If you are honest with them and you tell them what you think well then they get scared because they think that you see right through them. If you hold them the reins tight then they drop and escape. So maybe you're gentle and thought and you give them a little freedom. Then they think thay you don't care for them at all! If you kiss them they wipe it off or they wipe it in. Either way it's the same thing because they don't kiss back, and if they do it's not the right time or the right place or they are thinking of something else.

Tall Tale (1995)
Calamity Jane: Anybody make a move and I'll fill 'em full of lead, or my name ain't Calamity Jane!

"Deadwood: Deep Water (#1.2)" (2004)
Calamity Jane: There's someone I need to go kill.
Charlie Utter: Wha? Who?
Calamity Jane: You are not my target, but keep bothering me and I'll add you to the list.