Al Swearengen
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Quotes for
Al Swearengen (Character)
from "Deadwood" (2004)

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"Deadwood: Full Faith and Credit (#3.4)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: [about Hearst] He must think I'm a fucking dog, forgives the blow first friendly scratch at the ear.

Al Swearengen: Another fuckin' invite. Fuckin' Hearst must take me for an optimist.
Dan Dority: I'm gonna kill that cocksucker.
Al Swearengen: All in good time.

Al Swearengen: Tell me who you want in the election.
Dolly: Star for Mayor and Harry Manning for Sheriff.
Al Swearengen: Star for Mayor and Bullock for fucking Sheriff.
Dolly: Bullock yells at you.
Al Swearengen: Get out. Shut up and get out.

Al Swearengen: Fuckin' cold in here anyway.
Dolly: You want a blanket?
Al Swearengen: If I do, I'll put it round me. You ain't the boss of the fuckin' bedclothes.

E.B. Farnum: What have the Gods decreed?
Al Swearengen: Too fearful and upset to relive it, E.B.

Dan Dority: You know you hurt my feelings.
Al Swearengen: Dan.
Dan Dority: That's the long and short of it, Al. You fucking pick Adams to represent you, you hurt my feelings and that is the fucking matter's end.

Al Swearengen: It's not the fucking hour. It's not the fucking vantage of the chair. It's you, that's changed the level of you suction somehow. That's the fucking sum and substance of it.
Dolly: Maybe if I get on my knees?
Al Swearengen: You're the cocksucker. Change the fucking angle.

"Deadwood: Tell Your God to Ready for Blood (#3.1)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.
E.B. Farnum: Not my remains, Al.
Al Swearengen: Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.

Al Swearengen: Lie the fuck back, and listen. I need your truthful reply - lie, I will know it... and death will be no respite.
E.B. Farnum: I told Hearst nothing of Bullock and the widow.
Al Swearengen: I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.!
E.B. Farnum: Not my remains, Al...
Al Swearengen: Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.

Al Swearengen: Don't I yearn for the days when a draw across the throat made fucking resolution.

[Al knocks at the Bullock house door]
Al Swearengen: It's Albert Swearengen.

Al Swearengen: Anyway, tonight's speeches are fucking canceled. Nurse your fucking wounds.
E.B. Farnum: Thank you.
Al Swearengen: I do not mean here.

"Deadwood: True Colors (#3.3)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: Ever wonder if you expressed yourself more directly Merrick, you might fucking weigh less?

Al Swearengen: Tuesdays, he'll often hold Amateur Nights. I been to several. Guy farted it seems near an hour.
Johnny Burns: Don't sound like no amateur.

Al Swearengen: You're looking fuckin' well, Jack.
Jack Langrishe: It's the learning fuckin' nothing, Al, that keeps me young.

[Seth walks into the Gem as Al, Dan, and Johnny discuss the arrival of Jack Langrishe]
Al Swearengen: Bullock.
Seth Bullock: Tell that Chinaman when I want admission to his meat locker, it behooves him to fuckin' cooperate.
Al Swearengen: What did he do instead?
Seth Bullock: Said, "Swejen," and barred my way.
Al Swearengen: Had you eyes to select your own cut?
Seth Bullock: Are you gonna fuck with me? I had eyes for the Cornishman killed in here last week. I explained it to him, and he goddamn understood me.
Dan Dority: Did he mosey over to a corner, lift up a fuckin' tarp?
Seth Bullock: Yeah, he went to the tarp.
Al Swearengen: That's what the croaker was under.
Johnny Burns: That's our nook in Wu's structure.
[Al motions to Johnny, who grabs a shot glass and slides it down the bar. Al pours himself and Seth a drink]
Al Swearengen: Why Wu delayed cooperatin', he hadn't known the croaker was under there. His stupid suit so overcome me, it slipped my mind to tell him.
Seth Bullock: I want that body.
Al Swearengen: I'll see Wu hands it over.
[Seth drinks his shot]
Seth Bullock: Hearst just had another Cornish killed at his diggings for tryin' to organize. They're callin' that one an accident.
Al Swearengen: What makes you think any good'll come of confrontin' Hearst now?
Seth Bullock: Now is when he's killin' people.
Al Swearengen: What, you feel he'll leave off soon?
Seth Bullock: Tactics and timin' ain't the issue.
Al Swearengen: The hell you say.
[brief pause, as Al drinks his shot while looking straight at Seth]
Seth Bullock: If his pigs get that body, Wu is their next fuckin' meal. You make him understand.

"Deadwood: The Trial of Jack McCall (#1.5)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: For outright stupidity, the whole fucking trial goes shoulder to shoulder with that cocksucker Custer's thinking when he went over that ridge.

Al Swearengen: [of a newly-acquitted murderer] That type guy hanging round gets people agitated. Forces them to take a position, one side or the other. And agitation brings a slight bump up in whiskey sales, but sale of cunt plummets.

Al Swearengen: Open the fucking canned peaches!

Al Swearengen: We're *illegal*. Our whole goal is to get annexed to the United fucking States. We start holding trials, what's to keep the United States fucking Congress from saying, "Oh, excuse us! We didn't realize you were a fucking sovereign community and nation out there! Where's your cocksucker's flag? Where's your fucking navy, or the like? Maybe when we make our treaty with the Sioux, we should treat you people like renegade fucking Indians - deny your fucking gold and property claims, and hand everything over instead to our ne'er-do-well cousins and brothers-in-law."

"Deadwood: E.B. Was Left Out (#2.7)" (2005)
Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back.

E.B. Farnum: And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions?
Al Swearengen: Tell her I wouldn't say.
E.B. Farnum: And if she asks me why you wouldn't?
Al Swearengen: Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry till told to shut his fucking mouth and act on the task he was asked to fucking do!
E.B. Farnum: Yes sir. Fine, thank you.

Al Swearengen: What do you know of the fisticuffs?
E.B. Farnum: Amongst who?
Johnny Burns: Utter and that fella you was sitting with downstairs the other day.
E.B. Farnum: Wolcott? Just now, when I was leaving the hotel, Wolcitt had accidentally stepped on Utter's foot.
Johnny Burns: If Utter's got corns, that might could have touched it off.

"Deadwood: Sold Under Sin (#1.12)" (2004)
Seth Bullock: I'll be the fucking sheriff.
Al Swearengen: Starting when?
Seth Bullock: Starting now.
Al Swearengen: You have the tin?
Seth Bullock: I do.
Al Swearengen: Produce it.
[Seth stands up, and pulls out the badge]
Al Swearengen: On the tit.
Seth Bullock: I know where it goes.

Al Swearengen: Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.

Al Swearengen: [after Doc Cochran walks into Al's office without knocking] Walk in unannounced is a good way to get yourself killed, Doc, especially as the cavalry has us besieged.
Doc Cochran: I'm here about the minister. He's over at my place, past my art if I had any. He's damn near blind, mostly paralyzed. Past controlling his functions.
Al Swearengen: Well, you're preachin' to the fuckin' converted. Me, I would've seen to him, but... I've been fuckin' busy.
Doc Cochran: Well, he doesn't wanna be seen to like that.
Al Swearengen: What the fuck are we talkin' about?
Doc Cochran: A man being cared for and made comfortable 'til he expires. Girls you put to the task, deduct your time from my pay.
Al Swearengen: I get the bag of shit.
Doc Cochran: You get to care for a human being in his last extremity.
Al Swearengen: A human being in his last extremity IS a bag of shit.
Doc Cochran: [suddenly furious] AW, FUCK YOU, AL!
[Al turns and stares at Cochran in surprise]
Al Swearengen: I'll send someone over to pick him up.

"Deadwood: Mister Wu (#1.10)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: You can't cut the throat of every cocksucker whose character it would improve.

Mr. Wu: Bak Wai Lo Me... Cocksucka.
Al Swearengen: Yeah, glad I taught you that fuckin' word. These are whites, huh?
[Swearengen gestures back and forth to Wu's drawing]
Mr. Wu: HO! White COCKSUCKA!
[Wu produces a bag]
Al Swearengen: [Swearengen again motions back and forth to Wu and Wu's drawing] Two white cocksuckers killed him... and stole the dope he was bringin' to you!
Mr. Wu: White Cocksucka... YOU! SWIDGEN!
Al Swearengen: The dope you were gonna fuckin' sell to me?
Mr. Wu: White Cocksucka...
Al Swearengen: These two white cocksuckers? Who the fuck did it?
Mr. Wu: Wu...
Al Swearengen: [Swearengen is completely exasperated] Who, you ignorant fuckin' chink?
Mr. Wu: WU?
Al Swearengen: WHO? WHO? Who stole the fuckin' dope?

Al Swearengen: Get a fucking haircut. Looks like your mother fucked a monkey.

"Deadwood: Unauthorized Cinnamon (#3.7)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: We'd a meeting I ought to have asked you to.
Jack Langrishe: What topic commended my presence? Reprobates? The elderly?

Al Swearengen: Open the place back up! Tell the whores if their legs ain't in the air, they'd better be off their asses!

Al Swearengen: Read the letter.
A.W. Merrick: [Reading] "It becomes my painful duty to inform you that Pasco Carwen was killed earlier this week. His body was found in the road a short time after he left his job. It was not mutilated in any way. His death seems to have been instantaneous as he was stabbed through the heart. Pasco's funeral occurred today and was attended by coworkers and friends who all shared the same high opinion of him. Everything was done by kind hands that was possible under the circumstances and a Christian burial was given him. I was not personally acquainted with Mr. Carwen, save for one encounter where he demonstrated grief and deep compassion at the passing of a friend. I knew him by reputation as an earnest worker and a diligent believer in right and wrong. His memory I am sure will always be with those who knew and loved him, among whose number I imagine you as first. A letter from you which I found in his tent causes me to convey this sad intelligence to you. Sincerely yours, Seth Bullock."

"Deadwood: Suffer the Little Children (#1.8)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: Find out how much Tolliver paid Wu. Don't wanna be suckin' hind tit on disposal fees.

Al Swearengen: You might, Dan, want to learn how to indicate interest in a girl other than murdering another person.

Al Swearengen: I wouldn't trust a man who wouldn't try to steal a little.

"Deadwood: A Lie Agreed Upon: Part II (#2.2)" (2005)
Al Swearengen: [Dolly sticks her thumb in Al's ass] Oh! Now, I'm halfway thinking this exaggerates the condition rather than alleviates it. If I might should query the Doc, but then that cocksucker will only ask after gleets.
[Al gasps]
Al Swearengen: Oh my God.
[Al tries to move away, but Dolly scoots after him and keeps her thumb in his ass]
Al Swearengen: Take it out. Take it out. Remove your fucking thumb.
[Dolly finally removes her thumb]
Al Swearengen: Why, if I was moving forward to get away from you, would you have fucking pursued me? When I stopped, pressed on yourself to drive your thumb into my intestine?

Al Swearengen: The entire area of my fucking asshole is now one gigantic fucking throb. I have no idea what's transpiring in there.
Dolly: Shall I suck your prick?
Al Swearengen: Please.

"Deadwood: Here Was a Man (#1.4)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: I got a healthy operation here, and I didn't build it brooding on the right and wrong of things. And I do not need the Pinkertons descending like locusts.

Al Swearengen: I need to fuck something! TRIXIE!

"Deadwood: The Whores Can Come (#2.11)" (2005)
Al Swearengen: My God, act civilized even if you ain't.
Lee: I am a civilized person.
Al Swearengen: Then take your civilization and get the fuck out of here!

Al Swearengen: I know about the burned-up whores. I know about the San Francisco cocksucker setting a match to them. Now, here's the part you gotta listen to, Wu.
Mr. Wu: [Shows Al a picture of China on a plate] Chung Kuo!
Al Swearengen: It's China.
Mr. Wu: Chung Kuo, China!
Al Swearengen: Yeah, Chung Kuo, China. Celestial whores in the fire. What? Their spirits are fucking nothing if their bones don't get back home? Is that it? And do you come to me to back your move against your San Francisco cocksucker rival? Am I gettin' the fuckin' drift here Wu?
Mr. Wu: Swedgin!
Al Swearengen: Swedgin fucking get's it. Swedgin doesn't give a fuck! Back to Chink's Alley, Wu. Fall to your fucking prayers.

"Deadwood: Reconnoitering the Rim (#1.3)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: You do not want to be a dirt-worshipping heathen from this fucking point forward.
Al Swearengen: [Turns to Joanie] Pardon my French.
Joanie Stubbs: Oh, I speak French.

Al Swearengen: How do I look?
Trixie: Like Christ crucified!

"Deadwood: Amateur Night (#3.9)" (2006)
A. W. Merrick: Have I bled on your bed linens, Al?
Al Swearengen: You wouldn't be the first.

Al Swearengen: Check out that sow Tina, Doc, when the opportunity presents. That ain't the whiff of roses when she passes.

"Deadwood: Deep Water (#1.2)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: [to Bullock] Here's my counteroffer to your counteroffer: go fuck yourself!

Al Swearengen: What's your partner so mad about all the time?
Sol Star: He's not mad.
Al Swearengen: He's got a mean way of being happy.

"Deadwood: Jewel's Boot Is Made for Walking (#1.11)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: Tom, nothing Stapleton's got on you can't be solved by Dan Dority.

"Deadwood: A Constant Throb (#3.10)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: What are you doing here?
Richardson: Too afraid.
Al Swearengen: If you were too afraid, you wouldn't be here.
Richardson: Too afraid to explain.
Johnny Burns: He's got a note pinned on him, Al.
Al Swearengen: Take it off him. Then stick him in the eye with the fucking pin.
Johnny Burns: He don't mean it.
Al Swearengen: Tell him "Nothing".
Richardson: I'll just keep quiet.
Al Swearengen: No. Tell E.B., "Nothing's going on." And then tell him, "If I wanted to tell you anything, I'd have told you. Don't send the imbecile over with no more notes."
Richardson: I can't remember all that!
Al Swearengen: Can you remember "Nothing's going on"?
Richardson: Yes.
Al Swearengen: Tell him that, then.
Richardson: Thank you.

"Deadwood: Something Very Expensive (#2.6)" (2005)
Al Swearengen: I hope you're getting paid for the pussy. Don't put a price to it, you'll lose their respect.
Trixie: He's teaching me accounts.
Al Swearengen: That's all right then. Learnin' is like currency to them.
Trixie: He stares in my eyes when he fucks me, longing-like.
Al Swearengen: Jesus Christ!

"Deadwood: A Two-Headed Beast (#3.5)" (2006)
Johnny Burns: I wish you'd look in on Dan, Boss, not for being poorly as down.
Al Swearengen: Johnny, some shit's best walked through alone.
Johnny Burns: Dan's killed people before. You have too, but neither've been solitary after.
Al Swearengen: A fair fight, something Dan and I have always struggled to avoid, is different. You see the light go out of their eyes. It's just you left and Death.

"Deadwood: No Other Sons or Daughters (#1.9)" (2004)
Al Swearengen: We're forming a fucking government.
A. W. Merrick: Who is?
Al Swearengen: Us! You and me! Come to me in a vision! Ya stupid bastard.

"Deadwood: I Am Not the Fine Man You Take Me For (#3.2)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: Would you close your flap, that I don't forego my boiled eggs?

"Deadwood: Bullock Returns to the Camp (#1.7)" (2004)
Seth Bullock: You and I know how it is, Mr. Swearingen.
Al Swearengen: How what is?
Seth Bullock: [stands] She gets a square shake... or I come for you.
Al Swearengen: [stands] What if I come for you? You ready for that?
Seth Bullock: I guess I'd better be.
Al Swearengen: Then close your fuckin' store, 'cause being ready for me'll take care of your wakin' hours, and you'd better have someone to hand the task off to when you close your fuckin' eyes.
[they silently take each other's measure]
Seth Bullock: We understand each other.

"Deadwood: A Rich Find (#3.6)" (2006)
E.B. Farnum: Hearst... is he Caesar? To have fights to the death for diversion, murder his workers at whim, smash passages in the fucking wall? A man of less wealth would be in fucking restraints!
Al Swearengen: We are in the presence of the new.
E.B. Farnum: Fuck the fucking new! Jesus Christ, Al... is it over for us here?
Al Swearengen: Go back to the hotel, E.B.
E.B. Farnum: Save us. Think of something!
Al Swearengen: Have I ever not?

"Deadwood: The Catbird Seat (#3.11)" (2006)
Al Swearengen: [to Trixie] Loopy fucking cunt.