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Quotes for
Joseph Tura (Character)
from To Be or Not to Be (1942)

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To Be or Not to Be (1942)
Josef Tura: [disguised as Professor Siletsky - speaking about Maria Tura] Her husband is that great, great Polish actor, Josef Tura. You've probably heard of him.
Colonel Ehrhardt: Oh, yes. As a matter of fact I saw him on the stage when I was in Warsaw once before the war.
Josef Tura: Really?
Colonel Ehrhardt: What he did to Shakespeare we are doing now to Poland.

Josef Tura: [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt] I can't tell you how delighted we are to have you here.
Professor Alexander Siletsky: May I say, my dear Colonel, that it's good to breathe the air of the Gestapo again. You know, you're quite famous in London, Colonel. They call you Concentration Camp Ehrhardt.
Josef Tura: Ha ha. Yes, yes... we do the concentrating and the Poles do the camping.

[repeated line]
Joseph Tura: [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt] So they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt?

Maria Tura: It's becoming ridiculous the way you grab attention. Whenever I start to tell a story, you finish it. If I go on a diet, you lose the weight. If I have a cold, you cough. And if we should ever have a baby, I'm not so sure I'd be the mother.
Josef Tura: I'm satisfied to be the father.

Josef Tura: Wait a minute. I'll decide with whom my wife is going to have dinner and whom she's going to kill.
Maria Tura: Don't you realize Poland's at stake?
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: Have you no patriotism?
Josef Tura: Now listen, you... first you walk out on my soliloquy and then you walk into my slippers. And now you question my patriotism. I'm a good Pole and I love my country and I love my slippers.
Maria Tura: Well, I hope your country comes first.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: So do I.
Maria Tura: This is an emergency! War!
Josef Tura: Look, look, look, I don't know much about the whole thing... but is this Siletsky a real danger to Poland?
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: A catastrophe!
Maria Tura: He must be taken care of!
Josef Tura: Then he will be taken care of.
Maria Tura: Well, who's gonna do it?
Josef Tura: I'm gonna do it.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: But how?
Maria Tura: Where?
Josef Tura: I'm gonna meet Herr Siletsky at Gestapo headquarters. And after I've killed him I hope you'll be kind enough to tell me what it was all about!

Josef Tura: If I shouldn't come back, I forgive you what happened between you and Sobinski. But if I come back, it's a different matter.

Josef Tura: I went to Dobosh and told him when he advertises the new play to put your name first.
Maria Tura: Did you, darling? Oh, that's sweet of you, but I really don't care.
Josef Tura: That's what Dobosh said, so we left it as it was.

Joseph Tura: Well, Colonel, all I can say is... you can't have your cake and shoot it, too.

Josef Tura: Someone walked out on me. Tell me, Maria, am I losing my grip?
Maria Tura: Oh, of course not, darling. I'm so sorry.
Josef Tura: But he walked out on me.
Maria Tura: Maybe he didn't feel well. Maybe he had to leave. Maybe he had a sudden heart attack.
Josef Tura: I hope so.
Maria Tura: If he stayed he might have died.
Josef Tura: Maybe he's dead already! Oh, darling, you're so comforting.

Josef Tura: It's unbelievable! Unbelievable! I come home to find a man in the same boat with me and my wife says to me, "What does it matter?"
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: But, Mr. Tura, it's the 'zero hour'.
Maria Tura: You certainly don't want me to waste a lot of time giving you a long explanation.
Josef Tura: No, but I think a husband is entitled to an inkling.

Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: [referring to Siletsky] Now you take him back to the hotel.
Joseph Tura: Alright.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: As soon as you're in his room, you hit him over the head with the butt of the gun.
Joseph Tura: Alright.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: Then you take his keys, open his trunk and burn the papers. And then you shoot him.
Joseph Tura: Alright.
[starts to leave - then comes back]
Joseph Tura: Just a minute... what'll happen to me? They'll kill me.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: Well... we're going to keep our fingers crossed.
Joseph Tura: Good.
[starts to leave again - then comes back]
Joseph Tura: Hey, wait a minute... you go to the hotel and I'll cross my fingers.