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: There are certain skills best acquired in public bars, I suppose.
: So I understand you wish to marry my wife.
: It's sex! Sex is the game! Marriage is the penalty. Round and round we jog towards each futile anniversary. Pass "Go". Collect 200 rows, 200 silences, 200 scars in the deep places.
: Milo, baby, lemme handle this one, eh? Crime's my baaag. I got this caper worked out ta the last detail!
: For Christ sake Milo, they couldn't have made more noise on D-Day. Milo Tindle
: The bloody glass came out, my bloody boot got stuck and I fell down the bloody ladder. Andrew Wyke
: Well the bloody police must have heard it all the way to bloody Salisbury. Milo Tindle
: I'm sorry.
: There it is! The original blunt instrument; the poker. Right! Andrew Wyke
: Now steady... Milo Tindle
: Where do you want it? Andrew Wyke
: Don't get carried away. It's not a murder weapon you're talking about you know! Milo Tindle
: No? Andrew Wyke
: No. We're discussing an object from which I receive in the classic formula a glancing blow which will raise a lump without actually cracking the cranium. Milo Tindle
: Why don't I just keep tapping you lightly on the head with the poker until a lump comes up?
: Alright, I'll do it. Where do you want me to break in? Andrew Wyke
: Not so fast. You've got to get disguised first. Milo Tindle
: What for? Andrew Wyke
: Suppose somebody saw you coming. Milo Tindle
: Here? In the middle of nowhere? I could hardly find this place with a bloody map! Andrew Wyke
: You never know. A dallying couple, a passing sheep-rapist.
: Whether I love her or not, I found her. I've kept her. She represents me. Once, she was in love with me. Milo Tindle
: And now she's in love with me. And you can't forgive that.
: There's nothing like a little bit of mayhem to cheer one up.
: On the morning of his execution, King Charles the First put on two shirts. 'If I tremble with the cold,' he said, 'my enemies will say it was from fear. I will not expose myself to such reproaches.' We must also attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
: Wit in the face of adversity! Good! You've learned something from the English.
: [picking out a possible disguise for the phony robbery
] One black facemask, one black flat cap, a striped jersey and a bag marked "Swag". Milo Tindle
: Why not a neon sign with "Burglar" on it?
: You're a jumped up pantry boy who doesn't know his place!
: [after tasting
] Caviar, eh? Can't say I like it. Tastes of fish eggs. Andrew Wyke
: My wife showers. I bathe.
: Put that back, please! It's an old Egyptian blocking game. It's taken me rather a long time to get it there.
: It's a good thing, I am pretty much of an Olympic sexual athlete. Milo Tindle
: Yes, I suppose these days you are concentrating more on the sprints than on the long distance stuff. Andrew Wyke
: Not so dear boy! I am in the peak of condition. I could copulate for England at any distance. Milo Tindle
: Well, as they say in the Olympics, it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts.
: You're not giving me any kind of a chance, you sadistic bloody Wop! Milo Tindle
: I hope I didn't hear that correctly...
: The shortest way to a man's heart is through humiliation.
: I have nothing against lapsed Catholics. In fact, some of my best friends are lapsed Catholics.
: You said everything was in plain view! Milo Tindle
: Well aren't I the shifty old sly boots, then.
: Why don't you ask yourself how your man Merridick would go about the search? Andrew Wyke
: Merridew! St. John Lord Merridew!
: It looks like you've had it. They're coming up the drive. Andrew Wyke
: Keep them out! Milo Tindle
: Keep the police out? It's just not done, old boy. But still, I'll try.
: You're mad! You're a bloody madman! Andrew Wyke
: You are a young man dressed as a clown about to be murdered.
: Finally, at your moment of dying, you are yourself - a sniveling, dago clown. Farewell, Punchinello! Milo Tindle
: Please! Andrew Wyke
: [fires the gun
: Property's always been more highly regarded in this country than people.
: A turnstile to the bedrooms? Andrew Wyke
: One way or another, one always pays to get in.
: The mistresses' bedroom. Or, would you know your way about? Milo Tindle
: The mistress, or her bedroom?
: You shit! Milo Tindle
: Grazie mille. Andrew Wyke
: You all-time, knockdown, champion BASTARD, Milo! Milo Tindle
: You're too kind.
[on Milo being an actor
] Andrew Wyke
: Why have I never heard of you? Milo Tindle
: You will before long. Andrew Wyke
: Really? Milo Tindle
: In spades. Andrew Wyke
: That sounds threatening. Milo Tindle
: Does it? Andrew Wyke
: Doesn't it?
: I understand you're fucking my wife. Milo Tindle
: That's right. Andrew Wyke
: Right... Yes, right. So, we've cleared that up. Milo Tindle
: We have. Andrew Wyke
: I thought you might have denied it. Milo Tindle
: Why would I deny it? Andrew Wyke
: Well, she is my wife. Milo Tindle
: Yes, but she's fucking me. Andrew Wyke
: Oh, she's fucking you too, huh? Well, I'll be buggered. Ha ha. Sorry. Milo Tindle
: Yes, it's mutual. Andrew Wyke
: You take turns? Milo Tindle
: We fuck each other. That's what people do. Andrew Wyke
: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.
: In this day and age, is marriage absolutely necessary? Isn't it a bit old-hat?
: Maggie never told me you were... such a manipulator. She told me you were no good in bed, but she never told me you were such a manipulator. Andrew Wyke
: She told you I was no good in bed? Milo Tindle
: Oh, yes. Andrew Wyke
: She was joking. I'm wonderful in bed. Milo Tindle
: I must tell her.
: You speak Dutch yourself, do you? Andrew Wyke
: Yes, how did you know? I have a Dutch uncle. Milo Tindle
: Can't see any Italian translations. Andrew Wyke
: [Implying a double entendre
] No, they're a funny lot, the Italians. Culture isn't really their thing. Milo Tindle
: Their salami's good though. Andrew Wyke
: Oh, is it? Milo Tindle
: Italian salami? Best in the world. Andrew Wyke
: Did you bring any with you? Milo Tindle
: No, I left it at home. Andrew Wyke
: Oh, shame. Milo Tindle
: We're gonna have if for supper tonight, with a couple of bottles of Valpolicella.
] Andrew Wyke
: Goodbye, darling.
] Andrew Wyke
: Yes? Milo Tindle
: Andrew Wyke? Andrew Wyke
: That's right. Milo Tindle
: I'm Milo Tindle.
] Andrew Wyke
: I want to show you something.
: A great branch broke off a big tree and - flew through the air, through the skylight - as you can see. Act of God. Detective Inspector Black
: Had it in for you, did he? Andrew Wyke
: Who? Detective Inspector Black
: God. Andrew Wyke
: Oh, yes, he's always been a vicious bastard. Andrew Wyke
: You know what God's trouble is? Detective Inspector Black
: What? Andrew Wyke
: He has no father. He has no family roots. He's rootless. Nowhere to hang his hat, poor bugger. I pity him.
: What sort of parts do you play? Milo Tindle
: Killers, mostly. Sex maniacs, perverts.
: So you're not well-known. Detective Inspector Black
: No, I'm a common-or-garden copper. Just catch sex criminals, perverts.
] Detective Inspector Black
: Homicidal maniacs. Andrew Wyke
: And what do you do with them when you catch them? Detective Inspector Black
: I generally cut their balls off.
: Oh, never trust in love, chum. Love will kick you up the arse as soon as look at you.
: I take a strictly moral position on all this. My wife is an adulteress. Actually, she should be stoned to death.
: Why should I give her a divorce if you're both walking away with 88 pounds? Milo Tindle
: She wants a legal settlement. She wants part of your estate. Milo Tindle
: Never trust in legal justice. You know what legal justice is? It's farting "Annie Laurie" through a keyhole.
: Where's the ladder? Andrew Wyke
: What ladder? Milo Tindle
: The ladder! Where's it gone? Andrew Wyke
: It's not working. There was always a dodgy fuse on this. I'll phone the electrician in the morning. Milo Tindle
: In the morning? What about now? Andrew Wyke
: No, no, he'll be in bed. You know these country people, early to bed, early to rise. He's a nice chap, though. He's called Norman. Charming wife, Debbie. Three delightful kids. Oh, I just remembered. He's on vacation, he's taken the kids to Bermuda. Milo Tindle
: What? So I'm stuck up here for the rest of my life? Andrew Wyke
: Have patience. Stoicism is what's called for. Works wonders.
Detective Inspector Black
: Do you want to know my opinion of the newspapers? Andrew Wyke
: What? Detective Inspector Black
: Journalists are a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers. Andrew Wyke
: No. Detective Inspector Black
: That's right. Andrew Wyke
: I'm sorry, but isn't that a contradiction in terms? Andrew Wyke
: Is it?
: The shortest way to a man's heart, as I'm sure you know, is humiliation. It binds you together.