Darnell Turner
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Quotes for
Darnell Turner (Character)
from "My Name Is Earl" (2005)

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"My Name Is Earl: BB (#1.23)" (2006)
Darnell Turner: Hey guys!
Earl Hickey, Randy Hickey, Catalina: Hey Crabman!

Darnell Turner: [finding a hole in the wall behind a Last Supper picture] I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture. That's a relief... last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just windy.

Joy Turner: Oh, snap! Earl's drivers licence! I'm holding onto this for a rainy day.
Darnell Turner: Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that. That woulda been cool, like you're an evil genius or something.
Joy Turner: That would have been cool.
[holds the licence up and shouts]
Joy Turner: I'm holding on to this for a rainy day!
Darnell Turner: I think you need clouds to thunder.
Joy Turner: [gasps] Look at that bird up there! How the hell do they stay up there like that?


"My Name Is Earl: Foreign Exchange Student (#2.15)" (2007)
[trying to convince Pierre America is great]
Darnell Turner: We got baseball, roller coasters, and a system of jurisprudence based on Jeffersonian Democracy and not the Napoleonic Code. That little dude was whack.

[trying to convince Pierre America is great]
Darnell Turner: All the wars we've won. Revolutionary, Spanish-American, 1812...
Randy Hickey: We won that war 18 to 12? That was a close one.


"My Name Is Earl: Didn't Pay Taxes (#1.17)" (2006)
Darnell Turner: That's a cool moped, Randy. It's like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle.

Randy Hickey: Hey, I know! You paint a big fake train tunnel on the rock outside of town. You get fined for that, plus maybe coyotes would run into it.
Darnell Turner: Or roadrunners.
Randy Hickey: That'd be funny.
Darnell Turner: Beep! Beep!
Randy Hickey: Yeah. Beep! Beep!
Darnell Turner: Beep! Beep!
Randy Hickey: Beep! Beep!


"My Name Is Earl: The Bounty Hunter (#1.21)" (2006)
Earl: [Looking for Jesse] Hey Crabman.
Darnell Turner: Hey Earl.
Earl: Where is she?
Darnell Turner: She's in the bedroom, tearin' things up lookin' for clues and whatnot. I'm totally freakin' out. Can you tell?
Earl: Not Really.
Darnell Turner: I had a little cocktail.

Darnell Turner: [sitting on the couch, watching "Wonderbug" on television] I like that Wonderbug. I wish we had a car that flew.
Joy: I wish we had a car that didn't have to start with a spoon.


"My Name Is Earl: My Name Is Inmate #28301-016: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [at the Crab Shack] For the love of God, pick something!
Randy Hickey: I'm sorry, I usually just order what Earl gets.
Darnell Turner: Well Randy, I talked to the prison and they said Earl was having duck a l'orange and caviar pie. I think the guy was being facetious, but we don't have it anyway so it doesn't matter.


"My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones (#2.3)" (2006)
Joy Turner: [Getting ready to meet her lawyer] I'll bend over, you tell me if you can see my thong.
Darnell Turner: What thong?
Joy Turner: Perfect. Here, put these socks down your pants in case he's gay.


"My Name Is Earl: Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine (#1.6)" (2005)
Darnell Turner: [eating the Frosted Flakes that Joy took from Earl] Hey, Earl, thanks for the Flakes!
Earl Hickey: No problem, Crabman!


"My Name Is Earl: Dodge's Dad (#4.27)" (2009)
Joy Turner: Sweet Jesus!
Earl Hickey: I know! I'm Dodge's father!
Joy Turner: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
Darnell Turner: We've got another problem.
Earl Hickey: What?
Darnell Turner: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.
Joy Turner: What does that mean?
Darnell Turner: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.
Joy Turner: Now, everybody just calm down.


"My Name Is Earl: South of the Border: Part Dos (#2.11)" (2006)
Darnell Turner: [after Joy has continually been unusually nice] Joy, I need the old you back! I'm yin, you're yang. Yin's nice, yang's a bitch! This house doesn't work without yang!


"My Name Is Earl: Nature's Game Show (#4.11)" (2008)
Darnell Turner: That was more than street smarts. That was street genius.


"My Name Is Earl: Our Other Cops Is On!: Part 2 (#3.8)" (2007)
Darnell Turner: Stay close, but not too close remembering I'm naked and whatnot.


"My Name Is Earl: Frank's Girl (#3.6)" (2007)
Joy Turner: How'm I gonna get that picture back from Catalina? I mean, I can't blackmail her. Everything she should be embarrassed about, people already know: she's a stripper, she's a maid, she's a foreigner. I'm just gonna have to kill her.
Darnell Turner: You can't kill that woman.
Joy Turner: Oh, yes I can! A poison cookie, just like I tried with Earl a couple years ago. I mean, I still know the recipe. It's just sugar, eggs, and poison.
Darnell Turner: Why don't you just try being nice to her? People like it when you're nice to them. Remember five years ago at the pet store when you made that guy smile?


"My Name Is Earl: White Lie Christmas (#1.10)" (2005)
Darnell: [spending Christmas in a nativity scene so Joy's parents don't find out that she and Earl are divorced] It's cold out there in that manger - I don't know how Jesus did it.


"My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad the Election (#1.9)" (2005)
Joy: Come on Darnell, you can sign up too.
Darnell Turner: I'm already registered to vote.
Joy: What?
Darnell Turner: Not that it matters. Cause until we reform the electoral college, the popular votes will be ignored and we'll keep electing presidents that only get a minority of the votes.
Joy: That must be some black stuff, I don't know what he is talking about.


"My Name Is Earl: B.L.O.W (#2.16)" (2007)
Darnell Turner: What's your little man's name?
Ray-ray: Oh, this right here is Mister Bearded Dragon. Yours?
Darnell Turner: Mister Turtle. Call me if you're ever interested in setting up a play-date.
Ray-ray: Oh, that'd be nice.


"My Name Is Earl: Barn Burner (#1.11)" (2006)
Randy: I'm sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.
Earl: I know you are. It's ok.
Joy: Oh my god. You two are a couple of fruits.
Darnell Turner: I think it's sweet.
Joy: Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes.
[walks to kitchen]
Randy: I don't care what she thinks.
[hugs Earl]
Earl: I don't either, Randy.
Joy: [offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.


"My Name Is Earl: Our Other Cops Is On!: Part 1 (#3.7)" (2007)
Darnell Turner: I can't deal with my grandmother when she has a hot iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear.


"My Name Is Earl: The Gangs of Camden County (#3.3)" (2007)
Darnell Turner: This job is too dangerous for him. His reaction time is too slow. Watch this. Randy, I'm going to slap you.
[slowly moves his hand to Randy's face, then slaps him]
Randy Hickey: Ow!
Darnell Turner: It's like a snake in winter.


"My Name Is Earl: Stole a Badge (#1.22)" (2006)
Darnell Turner: Hey, Rodney, you're not a cop. Cops don't sell fake watches out of their truck.
Joy: [looks at her watch] Dammit! I thought that said Cucci!


"My Name Is Earl: Early Release (#3.12)" (2007)
[Joy and Darnell enter the prison disguised as a priest and a nun]
Guard: Where's Father Tadone?
Joy: He called in sick.
Guard: Where's Sister Bernadette?
Darnell: She called in sick, too. We have our suspicions.


"My Name Is Earl: Creative Writing (#3.5)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [finishing reading her story to her kids] ... And they went back to their trailer and lived happily ever after. OK you two, clean up and go to bed, and remember, if you don't listen to what I say, God will kill you.
[kids hurry out]
Darnell Turner: While I disagree with your view of a conventional anthropomorphic God, I respect you using that myth to discipline them rascally boys.
Joy Turner: I'm a creative van, Darnell. I mean think about all that stuff I yell at the movie screen and all those great Mad Libs I've done. The purple Christina Aguilera flew into...
Joy Turner, Darnell Turner: ...the horny Carol Burnett!


"My Name Is Earl: Buried Treasure (#2.13)" (2007)
Darnell Turner: You know the kind of guy who graduated college at 14, is a virtuoso cellist, and can identify 254 varieties of cheese in a blind taste test, but can't reveal any of that because he's in the witness protection program? Well, that's me. Don't tell anyone I told you this. My name is... well, you just better call me Crabman.