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: You're going to a farm? Earl
: Shh, I'm not telling Randy, he's afraid of chickens... and the Pope's big hat, but mainly because he thinks there's a chicken under it.
[as Catalina bandages Earl's hand after he accidentally drives a nail through it
: There you go. Now do it to the other hand - I want to take you to my church and see all the old ladies cry.
: [in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off
] I want to take this moment to thank our Latino audience for watching. And for those of you who can understand me but who are not Latino, I want to commend you for learning a second language.
: It's okay. We all have fears. I fear snakes and rape.
: Why are we stopping? Randy
: I think we got a flat in the back. Catalina
: Yea, I heard it too. Earl
: Damnit! I just got those tires five years ago.
: When someone is scared of something you need a friend to push them to overcome their fears. Randy
: You know, like throwing someone in the ocean whose afraid of swimming or putting a snake in a young girl's bed.
: I'm not doing Donny Jones. Catalina
: Why not? Earl
: I just don't want to okay. Besides, I don't even know where he lives. Randy
: They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.
: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen. Randy
: How many have you seen? Catalina
: Five or so.
: [Catalina has just found out that Earl wants her to dance - jump - to bail Joy out of jail
] I will not jump for Joy!
: [picks up phone
] Nice jumpsuit. Joy
: Ain't you sweet. Now Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends! Catalina
: The first time you saw me you called me a whore. Joy
: No, you just misunderstood what I said. Which is understandable, I mean because you're Mexican. Catalina
: I'm not Mexican. Joy
: Whatever, you speak Mexican. Catalina
: I speak Spanish. Earl
: Well you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that. Catalina
: Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me. And I know why you hate me. It's because I'm hot. Joy
: Excuse me? Earl
: [rubs eye
] Damn it, there goes the eye again. Catalina
: You're jealous of my hotness. Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. But not the prison of your fat body, for that you have a life sentence. Joy
: I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me. Catalina
: Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-Section scar. Joy
: That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally! Catalina
: Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts! Joy
: [opens jumpsuit
] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies! Catalina
: I've heard enough! This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo. Joy
: My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!
[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine
: You're very good at this. Randy
: I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking. Catalina
: Oh, does your mother like to exercise? Randy
: Let's not talk about my mom right now.
: Earl. Earl Hickey
: I'm giving breakfast to the French guy. Hey, can I borrow you master key to break into his room? Catalina
[trying to convince Pierre America is great
: America is the land of the free and the home of the slaves.
[Amazon trucker Sissy mounts comatose Earl and puts his hands on her breasts, not knowing she's being peeped on
: So where were we, lover? Catalina
: Oh, snap! Joy Turner
: [to Catalina
] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that. Randy Hickey
: [breaks in
] Get yo' boobs off my brother! Sissy
: Please don't take him from me. God left him to me on the front of my truck. He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. Anyway, you can't take him from me. We already exchanged vows.
: Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby. Joy Turner
: Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader? A holy man? Randy
: You've never seen TRL? You've got to start putting on some of these TVs when you're cleaning the toilets.
: Hey Earl. Is there a condom machine around here? Earl Hickey
: No Dirk. Dirk
: [looks at maid trolley
] Hey, what are these? Catalina
: Shower caps. Dirk
: That could work.
: Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers. It is why my brother killed my father.
: What is a county fair? Randy
: It's like Disneyland for poor people.
: [to a very pregnant Joy
] Your feet must hurt. They're so swollen, they look like hungry biscuits trying to swallow up your flip-flops.
: But Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl. This is for family - at Christmas. You know - Feliz Naviblah. Catalina
: [shaking her head side-to-side
] That means nothing. Randy
: To you, maybe. But to an American it means Christmas in Mexican.
: So Catalina, what are you doing for your mother for mother's day? Catalina
: My mother is dead. Randy Hickey
: Oh I'm sorry. Catalina
: Eh, its okay. It was either her or me...
: Hey guys! Earl Hickey
, Randy Hickey
: Hey Crabman!
: [Officer Bowman is investigating a complaint at Club Chubby
] It's bad enough we don't have any customers because it's a holiday and everyone is home with their stupid families, but now this drunk guy has taken over the stage and won't let us dance. TV's Tim Stack
] Ducks and chicks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in my surrey, when I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top! Officer Bobbi Bowman
: [Looking at the COPS camera
] Ooh, we're lucky; it's 'Oklahoma'. Usually when Mr. Stack takes over the stage he sings 'My Fair Lady'.
: Excuse me, I'm hot! Philo
: No, you're okay but compared to my girl you're like one of those things from Lord Of The Rings that crawled out of the ground and attacked the castle. Catalina
: This uniform isn't flattering. You should see me in jeans and a bra. Randy
: Ewoks. Those are called Ewoks.
: [Catalina to Earl when he kisses the girl a person on his list is trying to get back together with
] You're gonna hate yourself for this, and then when you go to Hallmark to make up for it, you won't find a card because it is too specific!
: [in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off
] Con esto concluimos nuestra primera temporada de Earl. Estamos muy agradecidos con su acompañamiento y anticipamos verlos el próximo otoño. - This concludes our first season of Earl. We are very grateful for your support and look forward to seeing you next autumn. Joy
: Blah, blah, blah.