Randy Hickey
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Quotes for
Randy Hickey (Character)
from "My Name Is Earl" (2005)

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"My Name Is Earl: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Randy: What's karma?
Earl: I don't know, it's something Carson Daly came up with.

Randy: Earl, I think you're trying to sell a cat to a guy who fancies dogs.

Randy: Number 23: Peed in the back of a cop car.
Earl: I'm no longer proud of that.

[Referring to music playing in the background]
Randy: Oh no you didn't. You didn't just go Old School!

Catalina: Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader? A holy man?
Randy: You've never seen TRL? You've got to start putting on some of these TVs when you're cleaning the toilets.

Earl: I got a weird feeling in my stomach.
Randy: Maybe you got stomach cancer. Can karma cause stomach cancer?

"My Name Is Earl: Jump for Joy (#2.2)" (2006)
Earl: [voiceover] Most mornings I'll wake up thinking about my list. But sometimes I have more important things on my mind. Like court.
Randy: [looking at a walnut between his thumb and forefinger] I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer. I bet it explodes like a Death Star!
Earl: You might be disappointed Randy. Like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin.
Randy: He drove off before I could get the wig on it!
Randy: [in court] Should I ask him now, Earl? I saw a guy with back there with pistachios
Randy: and I don't want him to go before me!
Earl: Well I don't think he's here to get 'em cracked, Randy.

Chubby: [smelling one of his female employees at Club Chubby before turning to Earl] You wanna smell it? Go on, smell it!
Earl: [Earl sniffs] Nice! Vanilla.
Chubby: Yeah.
[Randy tries to sniff but is restrained by Chubby, who clenches Randy's chin]
Chubby: Not you!
Randy: [through pursued lips] But I love vanilla! It's my third favourite flavour!
Chubby: Alright. Just a whiff.
[Chubby drags Randy towards female employee by his chin then releases him]
Randy: [satisfied] It smells like a cupcake with boobies.
Chubby: [pulls a gun on Randy] Open up! This is a real classy joint. And I don't wanna ever hear boobies around here. Got that?
Randy: [paralysed with fear] Uh-huh!
Chubby: [shoots Randy, revealing the gun to be a water pistol full of alcohol] Vodka!

[Earl and Randy are working out how to convince Catalina to work for Chubby again so he'll pay Joy's bail]
Earl: I don't know Randy, it's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend. Hey Catalina, you feel like working for a crazy man and shaking your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks to help a woman you can't stand get out of jail?
[Earl turns to Randy, who is daydreaming]
Randy: I'm sorry Earl. After you said "Catalina half-naked" I didn't hear.

[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]
Catalina: You're very good at this.
Randy: I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking.
Catalina: Oh, does your mother like to exercise?
Randy: Let's not talk about my mom right now.

Doris: [on prison visitor phone] Hey, my man's not here. You wanna chat?
Randy: Okay. What are you in for?
Doris: I killed my man.

[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]
Dodge: You're very good at this.
Randy: I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking.
Dodge: Oh, does your mother like to exercise?
Randy: Let's not talk about my mom right now.

"My Name Is Earl: Didn't Pay Taxes (#1.17)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: I don't know why people complain about his asbestos stuff.
[inhales deeply]
Randy Hickey: it doesn't smell so bad.

Earl Hickey: [Randy crashed his moped] You all right?
Randy Hickey: Yeah. Stupid pothole tripped me.
[to pothole]
Randy Hickey: Why don't you look where you're goin'!
Earl Hickey: Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute?
Randy Hickey: I am sittin'.
Randy Hickey: Oh.
[sits down]
Randy Hickey: When did you grow a moustache?

Joy: I don't know why you're having so much trouble. I mean they're all the time taking money from me. Just last week I paid twenty dollars for speeding in a school zone.
Randy Hickey: Hey, you paid seventy-five for that Earl. How come you only paid twenty dollars?
Joy: Cause I brushed my license against his nobby when I handed it to him.

Randy Hickey: Hey, I know! You paint a big fake train tunnel on the rock outside of town. You get fined for that, plus maybe coyotes would run into it.
Darnell Turner: Or roadrunners.
Randy Hickey: That'd be funny.
Darnell Turner: Beep! Beep!
Randy Hickey: Yeah. Beep! Beep!
Darnell Turner: Beep! Beep!
Randy Hickey: Beep! Beep!

Randy Hickey: I spy with my little eye....
Earl Hickey: Is it the candy bar again?
Randy Hickey: Yeah.

Randy Hickey: There's no water in the water tower. Why don't they just call it a tower.

"My Name Is Earl: BB (#1.23)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: He's awake now so I threw him in the bath with a bar of soap.
Randy: What did he look like naked?
Earl Hickey: Kinda like ET when they found him by the river.
Randy: That poor little monkey, he just wanted to phone home.

Randy: I might have locked him in there with the keys.
Earl Hickey: That's all right, Randy. He won't get far. He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out.

Darnell Turner: Hey guys!
Earl Hickey, Randy Hickey, Catalina: Hey Crabman!

[Earl and Randy are watching a drunk man attempting to plug a lightbulb attached to an electrical cord into a tree]
Randy: I bet he's had twenty beers today. That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog.

Randy: Uh... before, when you said different cavity, did you mean butt cavity?
Earl: I'm afraid so, Randy.
Randy: [shaking head] Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.

Earl Hickey: [about two worms on the ground] Hey, that one looks kinda angry... maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.
Randy Hickey: I don't think that'd work. If you cut me in half I wouldn't fight with my legs, I'd try to work with them and get us to a hospital.

"My Name Is Earl: Something to Live For (#1.15)" (2006)
Philo: I gotta go tinkle.
Randy: Tinkle! That's so stupid. I wonder what he uses for "going ploppies."

[a man is lying in the middle of the road with a carpet over his head and a truck approaches] [Earl tries to stop him from killing himself]
Randy: It's fine Earl! The carpet will protect him.

Randy: Can we take another break? I'm having trouble getting air into my mouth and down into my stomach.

Randy: Are you gonna start helping people who aren't on your list? Cause if you do, we'll never finish it and get back to stealing again.
Earl: You don't really understand my list, do you, Randy?

Joy: Hey dummy.
Randy, Earl: Hey.

Catalina: Excuse me, I'm hot!
Philo: No, you're okay but compared to my girl you're like one of those things from Lord Of The Rings that crawled out of the ground and attacked the castle.
Catalina: This uniform isn't flattering. You should see me in jeans and a bra.
Randy: Ewoks. Those are called Ewoks.

"My Name Is Earl: Quit Smoking (#1.2)" (2005)
Earl: Why are we stopping?
Randy: I think we got a flat in the back.
Catalina: Yea, I heard it too.
Earl: Damnit! I just got those tires five years ago.

Catalina: When someone is scared of something you need a friend to push them to overcome their fears.
Randy: You know, like throwing someone in the ocean whose afraid of swimming or putting a snake in a young girl's bed.

Earl: I'm not doing Donny Jones.
Catalina: Why not?
Earl: I just don't want to okay. Besides, I don't even know where he lives.
Randy: They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.

Earl: Those are poisoned.
Randy: How poisoned?

Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: Five or so.

"My Name Is Earl: Randy's Touchdown (#1.3)" (2005)
Earl Hickey: Where's my car, Joy?
Joy: Oh, I had it towed.
Earl Hickey: Towed?
Joy: Yeah. Maybe if you gave me some of that lotto money, I'd back off!
Earl Hickey: [voiceover] It was at that moment I realized Joy had no idea that the money was in the car.
Randy Hickey: Hey, Earl! Joy had no idea all your lotto money was in the car!

Earl Hickey: How was your first day of school?
Randy Hickey: Great! I really enjoyed science class. Did you know that before we were humans we were monkeys?
Earl Hickey: Really? What were we before monkeys?
Randy Hickey: I don't know. I can't even remember being a monkey.

Randy Hickey: Sir, can I have this magazine? One of the cheerleaders was out sick today and we're gonna decorate her locker.

Earl: No I am. I'm happy, I'm happy I got the money back, but I did it again. I forced him to give up his touchdown. I can't cross it off my list.
Randy: Earl you didn't make me do this. I did it because you're my brother and I wanted to. I can make my own decisions, I'm not an idiot.
Earl: But don't you wanna know what it feels like to score a touchdown?
Randy: I'm pretty sure it's the same feeling I got when I drove up and saw the smile on your face.

"My Name Is Earl: Frank's Girl (#3.6)" (2007)
Earl Hickey: [voice-over] A few days later, me and Frank found out we were convict matches for two ladies who wrote to us and were coming to visit. Randy even hooked us up with a conjugal apartment.
Randy Hickey: And I'm gonna give you guys twice as much time. But if anyone asks, just remember to say you each had sex with your own girl, then switched. Otherwise, I could get in trouble.

Randy Hickey: She's here! Billie's here!
Earl Hickey: Really?
Frank: Thanks, Earl. Hey, I gotta get her some flowers. Do you think anybody would mind if I took some carnations off of Jose's memorial in the yard?
Frank: If anyone cared about Jose, he'd still be alive.

Randy Hickey: Jose's dead? Oh man, I never got to tell him it was me who played that joke on him. I took the Skinheads' radio and I hid it in his bed.

Randy Hickey: [looking at a sudoku puzzle] Do you know a three letter word that might have a 6 in it?

"My Name Is Earl: The Gangs of Camden County (#3.3)" (2007)
Joy Turner: You don't get sent to prison for slapping a cop. And even if you did, you know what the odds are that you even get sent to the same prison as Earl?
Randy Hickey: Seven?
Joy Turner: Seven what?
Randy Hickey: Seven get sent to prisons.
Joy Turner: That doesn't even make sense.
Randy Hickey: Twelve?

Darnell Turner: This job is too dangerous for him. His reaction time is too slow. Watch this. Randy, I'm going to slap you.
[slowly moves his hand to Randy's face, then slaps him]
Randy Hickey: Ow!
Darnell Turner: It's like a snake in winter.

Randy Hickey: I think I'd like to play the race card. How do you play that?

Earl Hickey: Randy, I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her. Go on.
Randy Hickey: Well, I suppose she does have a nice rack.
Joy Turner: [pleased] Was that so hard?

"My Name Is Earl: White Lie Christmas (#1.10)" (2005)
Randy: But Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl. This is for family - at Christmas. You know - Feliz Naviblah.
Catalina: [shaking her head side-to-side] That means nothing.
Randy: To you, maybe. But to an American it means Christmas in Mexican.

Earl: [slurring] We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive?
Randy: I know a good way to find out. If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing, then we're okay.
Earl: Randy, that's a cat.
Randy: We shouldn't drive.
[cut to Earl and Randy swerving back and forth on bicycles that were intended as Christmas presents for Joy's kids]
Earl: [voiceover] That's when I realised we might be too drunk to drive, but, we weren't too drunk to pedal. Although I learned a valuable lesson that night: if you're gonna try to fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.

Randy: [to man trying to walk between him and Earl] You can't come between us... we're Chinese twins.

"My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad the Election (#1.9)" (2005)
Randy Hickey: Man, I wish I had robot legs or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool with like a knife finger, a spoon finger, a fork finger, a toothbrush finger, a comb finger, a bottle opener finger, a flashlight finger, and a screwdriver finger, but regular thumbs. You've gotta have regular thumbs.
Earl Hickey: True.

Randy Hickey: Plus, if Dad was mayor, we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and judge beauty contests.
Earl Hickey: That's Monopoly, Randy.

Randy Hickey: Hey Earl.
Earl Hickey: Hey Randy.
Randy Hickey: If you could be any kind of animal in the whole world, what animal would you be?
Earl Hickey: A dog. I think I'd be a dog.
Randy Hickey: How come?
Earl Hickey: 'cause I like living inside and sitting on couches and most people let their dog live inside and sit on couches.
Randy Hickey: How about a cat? People let their cat live inside and sit on couches.
Earl Hickey: I'm allergic to cats. I wouldn't wanna go around and make myself sneeze.
Randy Hickey: Yeah.
Earl Hickey: Why? What kind of animal would you be if you could be any animal in the whole world?
Randy Hickey: I was gonna say monkey but you make a good point about the couch.

"My Name Is Earl: Dad's Car (#1.18)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: So Catalina, what are you doing for your mother for mother's day?
Catalina: My mother is dead.
Randy Hickey: Oh I'm sorry.
Catalina: Eh, its okay. It was either her or me...

Earl: I mean, my life would've been a lot better if I'd had that Mustang. I wouldn't have lost my virginity in a public bus.
Randy Hickey: And I wouldn't have had to watch.

[A drunk Joy thinks she drove home fine]
Joy Turner: I told you I could drive just fine.
Randy Hickey: Oh I drove, you were steering with a paper plate in the passenger seat. But you did get a couple of turns right.

"My Name Is Earl: My Name is Alias (#4.19)" (2009)
Randy: I know I always make you say you love me before we go to sleep, but if someone's threatening to torture or even kill the thing you love, that's when you can keep it to yourself.

Randy: All we have to do is open up the bomb, say "I hope this works", close our eyes and cut the blue wire. I seen it a million times on TV. It's easy.
[the bomb has nothing but blue wires]
Earl Hickey: What do we do now, Randy?
Randy: I think that we go to commercial.

Earl Hickey: So you were in the CIA or the FBI?
Thomas: Even more secretive than that.
Randy: Don't tell me - IRS? PBS? TCBY?
Thomas: Actually, it was the...
Randy: BYOB?
Thomas: Son... you're getting on my last nerve.

"My Name Is Earl: Monkeys in Space (#1.14)" (2006)
[Randy is temporarily blind]
Earl: Sorry, Randy, but I've got my own problems to worry about! After dinner I'm gonna have to help you use the bathroom - literally!
Randy: You don't have to hold anything, you just need to help me to the seat, I'll go like a girl.

Randy: Do you think when I find my purpose I'll get some sort of sign? Like a glowing light? Not like an alien abduction or anything, but a Jesus light?

[Randy is temporarily blind]
Randy: It's not fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

"My Name Is Earl: The Professor (#1.16)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: [Regarding the laptop screensaver] Make that fish thingy come back!

Randy Hickey: [At Frat party] I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.
Earl Hickey: It tastes the same.
Randy Hickey: Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it goes to your livers.

Earl Hickey: We're staying!
Randy Hickey: Yes!
Earl Hickey: Karma can do whatever it wants to me, I can take it. Alex is worth it.
[gets hit in the arm with a dart]

"My Name Is Earl: Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine (#1.6)" (2005)
Randy: Earl, you gotta touch this, it's really hot.

[Earl wakes up and finds Randy clipping his toenails]
Randy: They are always jabbing me and it's easier to do this while you're sleeping.
Earl Hickey: Thank God, I was starting to worry they weren't growing.

"My Name Is Earl: Y2K (#1.19)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: [a chess set] Cool! It's one of them checker sets but for smart people and gays.

Earl Hickey: Randy, I told you: No robot dogs. We can only afford the things we need to survive.
Randy Hickey: But I already filled out the adoption papers.

"My Name Is Earl: Foreign Exchange Student (#2.15)" (2007)
[trying to convince Pierre America is great]
Darnell Turner: All the wars we've won. Revolutionary, Spanish-American, 1812...
Randy Hickey: We won that war 18 to 12? That was a close one.

[to Earl]
Randy Hickey: I can't wait for you to give Willie the mailman your envelope, when he sees he's gotta go all the way to France he's gonna be pissed.

"My Name Is Earl: Our 'Cops' Is On! (#2.12)" (2007)
Randy: [trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call?

Randy: [trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna say?

"My Name Is Earl: Teacher Earl (#1.5)" (2005)
Randy: [Earl and Randy are tied up in their hotel room] Hey! Maybe if you call Karma it'll come and save us. Call it!
Earl: Randy, it doesn' work like that. It's Karma, not Lassie.

Randy: [Earl's ESL students show up] Look Earl! It's karma's army! Made up of people from all the lands of all the worlds!

"My Name Is Earl: Stole Beer from a Golfer (#1.7)" (2005)
Catalina: What is a county fair?
Randy: It's like Disneyland for poor people.

Randy: Last year they had the world's tallest midget, he was as tall as you Earl, remember?
Earl: I think that might have been a scam, Randy
Randy: I don't know Earl, that was one tall midget.

"My Name Is Earl: Robbed a Stoner Blind (#2.8)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: I need real TV! I need real food!
Earl Hickey: You have to excuse my brother Randy. When he hasn't had TV or food, he gets this angry, dizzy Hulk thing going. That's the angry part.
[Randy faints]
Earl Hickey: And that's the dizzy part.

Randy Hickey: These hippies are crazy, Earl. They don't believe in plastic. That's crazy! I know plastic exists! I've seen it!

"My Name Is Earl: O Karma, Where Art Thou? (#1.12)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: [Finishes a connect the dots hamburger] It's a hamburger!

Randy Hickey: What a jerk! You should report that guy to the manager.
Earl Hickey: He is the manager.
Randy Hickey: Oh. Then he already knows.

"My Name Is Earl: Joy's Wedding (#1.8)" (2005)
Randy: Hey, Earl, you wanna go write "Wash Me" on dirty cars? I already did ours.

[Randy and Catalina are sitting on the motel bed discussing their choice of chicken hor d'oeuvres for Joy's Wedding]
Randy: If I check McNuggeted, d'ya think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

"My Name Is Earl: Barn Burner (#1.11)" (2006)
Randy: Stupid Carson Daly.

Randy: I'm sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.
Earl: I know you are. It's ok.
Joy: Oh my god. You two are a couple of fruits.
Darnell Turner: I think it's sweet.
Joy: Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes.
[walks to kitchen]
Randy: I don't care what she thinks.
[hugs Earl]
Earl: I don't either, Randy.
Joy: [offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.

"My Name Is Earl: Creative Writing (#3.5)" (2007)
Randy Hickey: I know what'll cheer you up, Joy! Writing a story. You should do it.
Joy Turner: Here's a story: Once upon a time, Randy shut up. The end. It had a slow start but I liked the middle.

Joy Turner: [after a ninja in Randy's super-hero story is unmasked and revealed as Joy] Go ahead, finish me off.
Randy Hickey: I'd never hurt a lady.
Joy Turner: [breathes a sigh of relief]
Randy Hickey: [snapping her neck] Lucky for me, you're no lady.

"My Name Is Earl: I Won't Die with a Little Help from My Friends: Part 1 (#3.14)" (2008)
[Amazon trucker Sissy mounts comatose Earl and puts his hands on her breasts, not knowing she's being peeped on]
Sissy: So where were we, lover?
Catalina: Oh, snap!
Joy Turner: [to Catalina] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that.
Randy Hickey: [breaks in] Get yo' boobs off my brother!
Sissy: Please don't take him from me. God left him to me on the front of my truck. He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. Anyway, you can't take him from me. We already exchanged vows.

[after comatose Earl's brother and friends save him from amazon trucker Sissy's bed]
Indian Doctor: He's suffered serious head trauma and massive internal injuries.
Randy Hickey: Well, at least they're internal.
Indian Doctor: He also has severely bruised nipples.
[Joy looks aside]
Indian Doctor: We might not be able to save one of them. In addition, he has some palet shaped burns on the sides of his head. And let's see what else. His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs, and last but not least, we're not sure, but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm.
Joy Turner: Oh, my God, that crazy bitch tried to constipate the marriage.

"My Name Is Earl: Number One (#1.24)" (2006)
Man: I'll give you $1800 for it if it runs.
Earl: It runs, just not right now. It's out of gas.
Man: [pauses] I'll give you $1785 for it.
Randy: Take it Earl! You know this car isn't worth more than $1500!
Man: $1500.
Randy: Take it Earl, we're desperate!
Man: $1200.
Randy: Hurry Earl, he's lowering his price for no reason

Man: [holding car for sale sign] I'll give you 1800 for it, if it runs.
Earl: It runs, just not right now, it's outta gas.
Man: I'll give you 1785 for it.
Randy: Take it Earl, you know this car is not worth more than 1500.
Man: 1500.
Randy: Take it Earl, we're desperate!
Man: 1200.
Randy: Hurry Earl, he's lowering his price for no reason!

"My Name Is Earl: The Trial (#2.23)" (2007)
Earl: [on having to leave their hotel room] Yeah, we did have some good times here. The gas leak was scary, though.
Randy: It wasn't that bad. We slept through most of it.

Randy: [breaking into Ruby's apartment by kicking the door in while she sleeps] Woo-hoo! Robbing the deaf!

"My Name Is Earl: My Name Is Inmate #28301-016: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [at the Crab Shack] For the love of God, pick something!
Randy Hickey: I'm sorry, I usually just order what Earl gets.
Darnell Turner: Well Randy, I talked to the prison and they said Earl was having duck a l'orange and caviar pie. I think the guy was being facetious, but we don't have it anyway so it doesn't matter.

"My Name Is Earl: Born a Gamblin Man (#2.9)" (2006)
[about what he needs to woo Catalina and tell her he loves her]
Randy Hickey: I also need bubble wrap, she likes the sound it makes when it pops, because it reminds her of her childhood. You know, because of all the shooting.

"My Name Is Earl: Faked My Own Death (#1.4)" (2005)
Earl Hickey: It was nice to see Natalie so happy, wasn't it?
Randy Hickey: Yeah I'm glad she's not dead no more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

"My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones (#2.3)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: These hamburgers are great.
William: Thanks. It's Black Angus.
Randy Hickey: I don't think I can eat it now that I know the cow's name.

"My Name Is Earl: Larceny of a Kitty Cat (#2.4)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: Randy, I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious.
Randy Hickey: Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believing in karma. Plus, we always buy the kind of cereal you like.

"My Name Is Earl: Monkeys Take a Bath (#4.2)" (2008)
Kay Hickey: [Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body.
[Randy has panic in his eye]
Kay Hickey: He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon.
[Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"]
Randy Hickey: [Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better.
[Desperately trying to change the subject]
Randy Hickey: Not talking about this stuff.
Kay Hickey: [Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina?
Randy Hickey: [On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops...
[Looking ill]
Randy Hickey: I'll go get us more drinks.
[Rushes to the bar stage left]
Kay Hickey: Ok. I'm gonna tinkle.
[Completely oblivious to Randy's distress: Kay exits the scene, stage left]
Joy Turner: [Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on?
Randy Hickey: [Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything?
[Joy is suddenly very interested]
Joy Turner: [Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well!
[Flash to terrified Kay on toilet]
Joy Turner: Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.
Kay Hickey: [Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God!
Joy Turner: [Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-last-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters.
Kay Hickey: [Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone!
Joy Turner: [Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.
Kay Hickey: I am nothing like you!
[Raises her right foot and slams her heel into Joy's face]
Joy Turner: [Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel!
Kay Hickey: [Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can!
[Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out]
Joy Turner: [Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh...
[Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead]
Joy Turner: Great...
Joy Turner: Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again!

"My Name Is Earl: Nature's Game Show (#4.11)" (2008)
Randy Hickey: Stand aside! I'm invincible!
[Rams the cellar door]
Randy Hickey: Ow! I'm vincible! I'm vincible!

"My Name Is Earl: Boogeyman (#1.20)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favorite things: Toy guns and paint. Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list. Wait. Three things- I also like balls. Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.
Earl: Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list.
Alby: I wanna live with you.
Randy Hickey: Wait. Three things- I also like balls.
[Alby looks at him]
Randy Hickey: Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.

"My Name Is Earl: B.L.O.W (#2.16)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [standing naked in front of Randy] Randy, do you know where babies come from?
Randy Hickey: Yeah, the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

"My Name Is Earl: Midnight Bun (#3.10)" (2007)
Earl Hickey: [looking for escaped prisoner] Okay look, we have 46 hours, Frank couldn't have gotten that far. Where's the ice cream store?
Randy Hickey: It's the one next to the train station and that costume store, near the bong shop where they make the fake IDs. We just have to look for a guy who could be dressed as anything and whose anywhere train might go.

"My Name Is Earl: Very Bad Things (#2.1)" (2006)
[Earl and Randy are in bed]
Earl: Randy, do you think it's my fault joy went to jail? Randy?
Randy: I'm tryin' to sleep Earl; can't this wait 'til morning?
Earl: You woke me up last night to ask if monkeys ever worry about their looks.
Randy: Oh yeah, sorry. Do you think they do?
Earl: I already told you; if they worried about their looks they'd wear pants.
Earl: 'Night Randy.
Randy: 'Night Earl.

"My Name Is Earl: The Bounty Hunter (#1.21)" (2006)
Randy: You wanna play a game of Madlibs?
Joy: Here's one, shut the blank up!
Randy: Shut the BUTT up! Do another one!

"My Name Is Earl: Early Release (#3.12)" (2007)
Earl: I almost had an idea, but now I lost it!
Randy Hickey: That happens to me all the time.

"My Name Is Earl: Harassed a Reporter (#2.19)" (2007)
Randy: [after a trailer near them blows up] People who *make* meth shouldn't *do* meth. It's always the second batch that blows up.

"My Name Is Earl: Stole P's HD Cart (#1.13)" (2006)
Randy: You takin' Pops' hot dogs outta Camden County is like taking chicken out of Syracuse.
Earl: It's Buffalo, Randy.
Randy: No, I'm pretty sure it's chicken, Earl.
Joy: Yeah, it's chicken. Spicy chicken!

"My Name Is Earl: The Frank Factor (#3.4)" (2007)
Joy Turner: Why are you touching me? Where's that female guard who looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers?
Randy Hickey: She's sick today so they said I get to frisk all the women, 'cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose.
[slowly moves on to her chest, then suddenly squeezes her large breasts]
Joy Turner: Randy!

"My Name Is Earl: Buried Treasure (#2.13)" (2007)
Randy Hickey: You know the kind of guy who likes hanging out with his brother, watching cartoons and also likes to touch things with his tongue? Well, that's me. I'm also the kind of guy who likes hanging out with his brother and watching cartoons... oh wait, I already said that. I also hold the Camden County record for staring at the sun. My name is Randy.