Earl Hickey
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Quotes for
Earl Hickey (Character)
from "My Name Is Earl" (2005)

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"My Name Is Earl: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Earl: [introducing himself] You know that guy you see going into the convenience store when you stop off at that little town on the way to grandma's house? A sort of shifty looking fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple of lotto scratchers and a tall boy at ten in the morning? The kind of guy you wait for to come out before you and your family go in? Well, that guy is me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotyping me because of the way I look, well, you'd be wasting your time, because I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down.

Randy: What's karma?
Earl: I don't know, it's something Carson Daly came up with.

Earl: [voice-over] You've probably askin' yourself why I decided to stay with my two-timin' wife and our two terrible kids that ain't mine. But, the way I figure, a lotta folks probably ask her why she hasn't left her good-for-nothin' husband and his brother who sleeps on her couch.

Earl: If you snatch enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace.

Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your mama parks your house!

Earl: Kenny, you just gave up your chance to have sex with a day-time hooker! You need my help!

Randy: Number 23: Peed in the back of a cop car.
Earl: I'm no longer proud of that.

Joy: I want half that lotto money, Earl.
Earl: Yeah? Well, I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgiving, but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it?

Earl: Don't they have special bars for the queers - I'm sorry, homosexual Americans?

Earl: I got a weird feeling in my stomach.
Randy: Maybe you got stomach cancer. Can karma cause stomach cancer?

Earl: I didn't want to be the only non-gay there. Luckily, Randy agreed to go once he found out there were going to be bubbles.

Earl: I understand now that the runnin' probably wasn't necessary.

Earl: [voice-over] You might think that getting so drunk that you accidentally marry a women who's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinkin'. Personally, I think it's a good reason to keep drinkin'.


"My Name Is Earl: Quit Smoking (#1.2)" (2005)
Earl: [voiceover] Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can last three days, you'll be fine. Me and Donny's mom tried everything. We listened to the tapes, then we tried the patches, then we heard somewhere to try carrot sticks. We tried it, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

Earl: So you're all churched up now, huh. Good for you. Giving up all that hurting people.
Donny Jones: Turn the other cheek now.
Earl: And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it.
Donny Jones: Wanna see it now.
[he goes to pull down his pants]
Earl: No, I'm still gonna pass on that.

Earl: Why are we stopping?
Randy: I think we got a flat in the back.
Catalina: Yea, I heard it too.
Earl: Damnit! I just got those tires five years ago.

Earl: [voiceover] Joy knew that video is the only thing close to a will I have, and normally she's not violent, but money makes people crazy.

[Joy is watching a video of her and Earl recorded a few years ago whilst they were both drunk]
Joy: Next time you steal a camera Earl, make sure the thing works.
Earl: I think I got it on.
Joy: I love you Earl.
Earl: I love that you love me.

Earl: I'm not doing Donny Jones.
Catalina: Why not?
Earl: I just don't want to okay. Besides, I don't even know where he lives.
Randy: They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.

Earl: I was gonna focus on quitting smoking. But it turns out quitting smoking is stressful. And when I'm stressed-out, I smoke.

Earl: Those are poisoned.
Randy: How poisoned?


"My Name Is Earl: Faked My Own Death (#1.4)" (2005)
Earl Hickey: [voice-over] ... and like the butterfly, I too was trapped. But instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me.

Earl Hickey: It was nice to see Natalie so happy, wasn't it?
Randy Hickey: Yeah I'm glad she's not dead no more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

[Natalie knocks on Earl's door]
Earl Hickey: Come in.
Natalie: What's going on?
[Earl and Catalina are in bed under a blanket]
Earl Hickey: Oh just blowing off a little steam, having a good time. Can't a guy have a party around here without getting hassled? Get off my back.
[Goes back under the covers]
Natalie: You're right Earl. Sorry, for interrupting. Just have fun and call me when you're done.

[Earl is drinking a can of beer]
Earl Hickey: Ahhh! Excuse me.
[stands up to relieve himself]
Natalie: Honey, don't you think it would be better to relieve yourself a little further away from the blanket?
Earl Hickey: Nah!

Earl Hickey: Dirk?
Dirk: Hey, Earl. Don't tell me your hooker works here too?
Earl Hickey: You're supposed to be dead.
Dirk: Yeah, I know. Thanks for the idea.

Dirk: Hey Earl. Is there a condom machine around here?
Earl Hickey: No Dirk.
Dirk: [looks at maid trolley] Hey, what are these?
Catalina: Shower caps.
Dirk: That could work.

Earl Hickey: [narrating] She wanted me to do arts and crafts.
Natalie: It's called paper maché.
Earl Hickey: [narrating] Somehow she figured out a way to make newspapers even more boring.


"My Name Is Earl: Frank's Girl (#3.6)" (2007)
Frank: Earl, buddy, it's good to see you. Listen, listen, you got to go find my girl, Billie. Just tell her that I'm not blowing her off, and that I love her, and that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Earl. She's my angel.
Earl Hickey: [Frank shows Earl his photo of Billie] Wow, you're, uh, *naked* angel ...
Frank: Yeah.
Earl Hickey: ...with wings tattooed on her most private angel area.
Frank: Yeah, those wings cost me a fortune. Plus, it was awkward. Her brother was the tattoo artist.
Earl Hickey: Ah, that explains the "love your brother." I thought she was just trying to make the world a better place.

Earl Hickey: [Earl takes Frank's place on his conjugal visit] Uh, hey.
Billie: Oh god, not again! I told Frank no more threesomes. No offense. I'm just afraid he'll finish too quick and I'll be stuck awkwardly doing a stranger.

Earl Hickey: I'm Earl Hickey, a friend of Frank's. He got thrown in the hotbox, but he wanted me to tell you that he still loves you. And that you're his number one angel. Which is saying a lot, cause there's quite a few guys named Angel in here.
Billie: He got thrown in the hotbox, *today* of all days. That son-of-a-bitch! He doesn't love me.
Earl Hickey: Come on, he loves you. He talks about you all the time. He's been faithful for at least seven years. Don't think he hasn't been tempted in here. One of those Angels is a pretty smooth talker.

Earl Hickey: [voice-over] A few days later, me and Frank found out we were convict matches for two ladies who wrote to us and were coming to visit. Randy even hooked us up with a conjugal apartment.
Randy Hickey: And I'm gonna give you guys twice as much time. But if anyone asks, just remember to say you each had sex with your own girl, then switched. Otherwise, I could get in trouble.

Earl Hickey: [on his conjugal visit with a transsexual] I didn't really commit the crime, but I still feel like I deserve to be here because of karma. I know it sounds confusing.
Annie: Heck, people have been calling me confused all my life. I'm not. That's why I'm going through with this whole surgery.
Earl Hickey: "Hole surgery?" You'd think they'd have a fancier name for it.
Annie: They do. It's called vaginoplasty.

Randy Hickey: She's here! Billie's here!
Earl Hickey: Really?
Frank: Thanks, Earl. Hey, I gotta get her some flowers. Do you think anybody would mind if I took some carnations off of Jose's memorial in the yard?
Frank: If anyone cared about Jose, he'd still be alive.

Earl Hickey: [about Frank] The guy can make wine out of shampoo. I'm not sure even Jesus can do that.


"My Name Is Earl: BB (#1.23)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: He's awake now so I threw him in the bath with a bar of soap.
Randy: What did he look like naked?
Earl Hickey: Kinda like ET when they found him by the river.
Randy: That poor little monkey, he just wanted to phone home.

Randy: I might have locked him in there with the keys.
Earl Hickey: That's all right, Randy. He won't get far. He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out.

Darnell Turner: Hey guys!
Earl Hickey, Randy Hickey, Catalina: Hey Crabman!

Joy Turner: You cheatin' son of a bitch! You're supposed to say "Uno" when you only got one card left!
Earl Hickey: I said "One"!
Joy Turner: You're supposed to say "Uno"! It's a Mexican game!
Earl Hickey: Joy, this is why the kids won't play Candyland with you anymore.

Randy: Uh... before, when you said different cavity, did you mean butt cavity?
Earl: I'm afraid so, Randy.
Randy: [shaking head] Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.

Gwen Waters: Look, just forget about this okay. It's not your fault, you were just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Earl Hickey: But that's the thing: I'm the straw. Without the straw, the camel wouldn't have a broken back.
Gwen Waters: Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel's back, that doesn't fix it. The camel is still dead.
[not knowing what to say, Earl pauses a bit to think]
Earl Hickey: Camels can go forty days without water.

Earl Hickey: [about two worms on the ground] Hey, that one looks kinda angry... maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.
Randy Hickey: I don't think that'd work. If you cut me in half I wouldn't fight with my legs, I'd try to work with them and get us to a hospital.


"My Name Is Earl: Jump for Joy (#2.2)" (2006)
Earl: People don't like seeing their enemies. But they do like seeing their enemies behind bars.

Catalina: [picks up phone] Nice jumpsuit.
Joy: Ain't you sweet. Now Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends!
Catalina: The first time you saw me you called me a whore.
Joy: No, you just misunderstood what I said. Which is understandable, I mean because you're Mexican.
Catalina: I'm not Mexican.
Joy: Whatever, you speak Mexican.
Catalina: I speak Spanish.
Earl: Well you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that.
Catalina: Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me. And I know why you hate me. It's because I'm hot.
Joy: Excuse me?
Earl: [rubs eye] Damn it, there goes the eye again.
Catalina: You're jealous of my hotness. Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. But not the prison of your fat body, for that you have a life sentence.
Joy: I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me.
Catalina: Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-Section scar.
Joy: That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally!
Catalina: Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts!
Joy: [opens jumpsuit] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!
Catalina: I've heard enough! This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo.
Joy: My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!

Earl: [voiceover] Most mornings I'll wake up thinking about my list. But sometimes I have more important things on my mind. Like court.
Randy: [looking at a walnut between his thumb and forefinger] I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer. I bet it explodes like a Death Star!
Earl: You might be disappointed Randy. Like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin.
Randy: He drove off before I could get the wig on it!
Randy: [in court] Should I ask him now, Earl? I saw a guy with back there with pistachios
[sic]
Randy: and I don't want him to go before me!
Earl: Well I don't think he's here to get 'em cracked, Randy.

Chubby: [smelling one of his female employees at Club Chubby before turning to Earl] You wanna smell it? Go on, smell it!
Earl: [Earl sniffs] Nice! Vanilla.
Chubby: Yeah.
[Randy tries to sniff but is restrained by Chubby, who clenches Randy's chin]
Chubby: Not you!
Randy: [through pursued lips] But I love vanilla! It's my third favourite flavour!
Chubby: Alright. Just a whiff.
[Chubby drags Randy towards female employee by his chin then releases him]
Randy: [satisfied] It smells like a cupcake with boobies.
Chubby: [pulls a gun on Randy] Open up! This is a real classy joint. And I don't wanna ever hear boobies around here. Got that?
Randy: [paralysed with fear] Uh-huh!
Chubby: [shoots Randy, revealing the gun to be a water pistol full of alcohol] Vodka!

[Earl and Randy are working out how to convince Catalina to work for Chubby again so he'll pay Joy's bail]
Earl: I don't know Randy, it's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend. Hey Catalina, you feel like working for a crazy man and shaking your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks to help a woman you can't stand get out of jail?
[Earl turns to Randy, who is daydreaming]
Randy: I'm sorry Earl. After you said "Catalina half-naked" I didn't hear.

Earl: [voiceover] Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money.
Joy: [at copy machine] Can we get some more green ink in this machine?
Kenny James: [as copy shop employee] Is that... are you copying money?
Joy: Ssssh! Don't say anything, I'll make it worth your while!
Kenny James: [attempting to take counterfeit money from Joy] Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you...
Joy: What are you doing?
Kenny James: We have a policy. I signed a loyalty oath.
Joy: Give me my fake money! That's my fake money!
Kenny James: [shouting] COPY RESPONSIBLY, COPY RESPONSIBLY!


"My Name Is Earl: Randy's Touchdown (#1.3)" (2005)
Earl Hickey: Where's my car, Joy?
Joy: Oh, I had it towed.
Earl Hickey: Towed?
Joy: Yeah. Maybe if you gave me some of that lotto money, I'd back off!
Earl Hickey: [voiceover] It was at that moment I realized Joy had no idea that the money was in the car.
Randy Hickey: Hey, Earl! Joy had no idea all your lotto money was in the car!

Earl Hickey: How was your first day of school?
Randy Hickey: Great! I really enjoyed science class. Did you know that before we were humans we were monkeys?
Earl Hickey: Really? What were we before monkeys?
Randy Hickey: I don't know. I can't even remember being a monkey.

Earl Hickey: [to Randy] If we don't figure out a way to break into that impound yard and get my money, we're gonna have to eat that potato.

Earl: No I am. I'm happy, I'm happy I got the money back, but I did it again. I forced him to give up his touchdown. I can't cross it off my list.
Randy: Earl you didn't make me do this. I did it because you're my brother and I wanted to. I can make my own decisions, I'm not an idiot.
Earl: But don't you wanna know what it feels like to score a touchdown?
Randy: I'm pretty sure it's the same feeling I got when I drove up and saw the smile on your face.

Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!


"My Name Is Earl: Our 'Cops' Is On! (#2.12)" (2007)
Earl: [after stealing a cop car] Who's got a cop car, bi-otch?

Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
Joy: I'm not cheatin' on you!

Joy: I love you so much baby. I am gonna
[beep]
Joy: your
[beep]
Joy: [beep] with my sweet sweet sweet love
[beep]
Joy: [beep]
[beep]
Joy: [beeeeeeeeeep] .
Earl: Sssh. You had me at balls.

Earl: [after falling down with his pants around his ankles] I skinned my pecker!

Earl: [Earl and Joy are riding in a stolen police car when Joy pulls over a young woman] Wait, that's my ex girlfriend. I can't let her see me; she thinks I'm dead.
Joy: Oh, hell yes; this is going to be fun.
[using the loudspeaker]
Joy: The driver will get out of the car. Ok, slut, put your hands on the fender and spread your legs. I'm sure that won't be difficult for you.
Natalie Duckworth: I'm not a slut! I only slept with one man!
Earl: [Looking into the 'COPS' camera and grinning] That was me; yeah, I hit that.


"My Name Is Earl: Monkeys Take a Bath (#4.2)" (2008)
Earl Hickey: I've decided to forgive you for cheating on me.
Joy Turner: Good, 'cause I'd do it again.

Carl Hickey: [Turning toward Earl] Woa, ho, ho, there she is! If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options she is mistaken.
Earl Hickey: Uh, once again, Dad, I gotta say I'm a little conflicted about this.
Brenda the Bank Teller: Next!
Carl Hickey: Hello Brenda!
[Smiling with anticipation]
Brenda the Bank Teller: [Flirting] Carl. I like your shirt!
Carl Hickey: Well, according to you on numerous occasions this color brings out the BLUE in my eyes!
[Flirting]
Carl Hickey: [Turns around to wink at Earl]
Brenda the Bank Teller: Makes 'em sparkle!
[Both Brenda and Carl are chuckling as Carl turns back toward Brenda]
Brenda the Bank Teller: What can I do for you today?
Carl Hickey: [Stalling] Today... Today I'd like to open a separate account. One that will be separate from my wife. Perhaps one that I can use to pay for dinner two at Casa de Mason with somebody that likes blue eyes.
Earl Hickey: [Looking at Earl another tell calls out: Next!]
[Earl turns to the man behind him]
Earl Hickey: Oh you, you, you can go on I'm just watching my dad trying to get laid.
Brenda the Bank Teller: Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message. But I was just trying to be nice. It's just customer service.
Carl Hickey: [pauses to hear the next teller flirt with another customer] So, just to be clear. Your not interested in having sexual relations with me?
Brenda the Bank Teller: No.
Carl Hickey: [Pausing] I'd like to close my account, please.

Earl Hickey: [Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.
Diana: Next!
Carl Hickey: [Smiling] Hello, Diane!
Diana: [Grinning Big] There's my Carl.
Carl Hickey: [Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.
Diana: [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh!
Carl Hickey: [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.

Earl Hickey: Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.
Carl Hickey: [Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.
Earl Hickey: [Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.
Carl Hickey: [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.
Earl Hickey: Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening!
[Yelling after Carl in the parking lot]
Earl Hickey: [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?
Patty: Ha-Hey Earl!
Earl Hickey: When did you start working here?
Patty: Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush
[Then President Bush]
Patty: monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.
Carl Hickey: [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter]
[With a cocky jaunt of the head]
Carl Hickey: I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.
Diana: I thought you needed the largest kind we had.
[Snarky]
Carl Hickey: Just ring it up, pecker-tease...
Earl Hickey: [Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...
Patty: Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.
Carl Hickey: [Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you!
[Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]
Patty: Thank you!
[Patty immediately turns the candy box over]
Patty: Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this
[Patty circles her mouth with her index finger]
Patty: a peanut free zone.
[Hands nuts back to Carl]
Earl Hickey: Dad, Patty's a hooker.
Carl Hickey: [In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.
Patty: Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.
Carl Hickey: Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!
Patty: [as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...
Carl Hickey: I'm not changing my mind!
[Slamming car door]

Earl Hickey: [Narrating] There were two things I could have sworn I would never see with my own eyes: A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying.


"My Name Is Earl: Teacher Earl (#1.5)" (2005)
Randy: [Earl and Randy are tied up in their hotel room] Hey! Maybe if you call Karma it'll come and save us. Call it!
Earl: Randy, it doesn' work like that. It's Karma, not Lassie.

Earl: Clean your Randy for you, mum?

[to an Indian storekeeper]
Ralph: Nothing for me Tonto.
Earl: Sorry about that. He's been in prison, he doesn't know you're supposed to say Native American.

Earl: Randy was not stuck in a chimney, which is good, because it means he learned his lesson from the last two times.

Earl: I had a classroom full of non-Americans eager to not understand a word I said.


"My Name Is Earl: White Lie Christmas (#1.10)" (2005)
Earl Hickey: If you're gonna fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.

Earl: [slurring] We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive?
Randy: I know a good way to find out. If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing, then we're okay.
Earl: Randy, that's a cat.
Randy: We shouldn't drive.
[cut to Earl and Randy swerving back and forth on bicycles that were intended as Christmas presents for Joy's kids]
Earl: [voiceover] That's when I realised we might be too drunk to drive, but, we weren't too drunk to pedal. Although I learned a valuable lesson that night: if you're gonna try to fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.

[Christmas 2002]
Joy: [opens her present, batteries] What are these for?
Earl Hickey: Whatever you want baby.

[Christmas 2003]
Joy: [opens her present, condoms] How are these for me?
Earl Hickey: They're flavored. Merry Christmas.

[Christmas 2004]
Joy: [opens her present, car keys] Oh my God! Oh my God! Wait, these are my keys.
Earl Hickey: I know, I found them.


"My Name Is Earl: Something to Live For (#1.15)" (2006)
Earl: [voice over]
[siphoning gas]
Earl: The first time we did it, we used garbage bags. Then we found out that gas eats through garbage bags.

Randy: Are you gonna start helping people who aren't on your list? Cause if you do, we'll never finish it and get back to stealing again.
Earl: You don't really understand my list, do you, Randy?

Earl: [to Joy] Oh, and I hear you're wearing underwear again. Good for you.

Joy: Hey dummy.
Randy, Earl: Hey.

Salesman: And we have a large selection of books on tape.
Earl: What, you mean like, sticky?
Salesman: Cassette tape. It's a book but the author reads it to you on tape. Book on tape.
Earl: Wow. it doesn't get any more futuristic than that, huh?
Salesman: Ah, well actually it does, you can download the book directly onto your iPod now.
Earl: iPod huh. That some sort of space capsule or something?


"My Name Is Earl: The Professor (#1.16)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: [voice over] This wasn't the first time a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat but it was the first time I didn't mind.

Earl Hickey: [voice over] Blinded by a beautiful woman wearing shoes that made her calves pop out real nice.

Earl Hickey: [Alex admires Earl's outfit for a cocktail party] Thanks. I borrowed it from a frat brother, which is why the pants smell like bong water.

Randy Hickey: [At Frat party] I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.
Earl Hickey: It tastes the same.
Randy Hickey: Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it goes to your livers.

Earl Hickey: We're staying!
Randy Hickey: Yes!
Earl Hickey: Karma can do whatever it wants to me, I can take it. Alex is worth it.
[gets hit in the arm with a dart]


"My Name Is Earl: Robbed a Stoner Blind (#2.8)" (2006)
Randy Hickey: I need real TV! I need real food!
Earl Hickey: You have to excuse my brother Randy. When he hasn't had TV or food, he gets this angry, dizzy Hulk thing going. That's the angry part.
[Randy faints]
Earl Hickey: And that's the dizzy part.

Earl Hickey: I went through the checklist Woody gave me and got some things. Fluorescent bulbs that use less electricity. Reusable hemp bags for shopping. And look: shampoo that's not tested on animals. I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair but - if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make.

Earl Hickey: You guys make your own wine? I tried to make tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms. Pretty gross. It still got me drunk though.

Earl Hickey: You guys can make your own shirts?
Woody: We make a lot of our own clothes on this loom.
Earl Hickey: Fruit of the loom. It all makes sense now.


"My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad the Election (#1.9)" (2005)
Randy Hickey: Man, I wish I had robot legs or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool with like a knife finger, a spoon finger, a fork finger, a toothbrush finger, a comb finger, a bottle opener finger, a flashlight finger, and a screwdriver finger, but regular thumbs. You've gotta have regular thumbs.
Earl Hickey: True.

Randy Hickey: Plus, if Dad was mayor, we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and judge beauty contests.
Earl Hickey: That's Monopoly, Randy.

Randy Hickey: Hey Earl.
Earl Hickey: Hey Randy.
Randy Hickey: If you could be any kind of animal in the whole world, what animal would you be?
Earl Hickey: A dog. I think I'd be a dog.
Randy Hickey: How come?
Earl Hickey: 'cause I like living inside and sitting on couches and most people let their dog live inside and sit on couches.
Randy Hickey: How about a cat? People let their cat live inside and sit on couches.
Earl Hickey: I'm allergic to cats. I wouldn't wanna go around and make myself sneeze.
Randy Hickey: Yeah.
Earl Hickey: Why? What kind of animal would you be if you could be any animal in the whole world?
Randy Hickey: I was gonna say monkey but you make a good point about the couch.

Rhonda Gibbs: Filling in for Carl Hickey will be his son, Earl Hickey.
Carl Hickey: [watching TV] No, no, no, no, no.
Earl: My father is feeling a little under the weather.
Carl Hickey: [watching TV] Don't embarrass me, don't embarrass me.
Rhonda Gibbs: Nothing serious I hope.
Earl: Er... diarrhea!


"My Name Is Earl: Very Bad Things (#2.1)" (2006)
[at the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]
Earl: [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
Joy: Twelve ball, side pocket.
[Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]
Joy: Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
Earl: It was an accident, Joy...
[leers at opponent's chest]
Earl: I think they're real.
Joy: [angered] Oh, so you're on *her* side?

[Joy has stolen a truck from the Bargain Bag store because they wouldn't refund her $3000]
Earl: [horrified] Stole a truck?
Joy: [adamant] Because they wouldn't give me my money back! It was a crime of principal like when Rosa Parks stole that bus!
Earl: They wouldn't even give you a store credit?
Joy: No.
Earl: That doesn't seem fair.
Joy: Thank you! Which is why you have to help me sell the truck.
Earl: Sell the truck... Joy, that's against the law.
Joy: Earl, this is not about the law. It's about right and wrong, and isn't that what your list is about, rights and wrongs? Doing unto others all that Robin Hood/Batman/Jesus stuff?
Earl: Well you got a good point. The store DID do you wrong. I don't know if Jesus or Batman would sell a truck, but Robin Hood might. Okay, I'll do it. But you're not getting a penny more than three thousand dollars.
Joy: Of course not! That would be wrong...

[Earl and Randy are in bed]
Earl: Randy, do you think it's my fault joy went to jail? Randy?
Randy: I'm tryin' to sleep Earl; can't this wait 'til morning?
Earl: You woke me up last night to ask if monkeys ever worry about their looks.
Randy: Oh yeah, sorry. Do you think they do?
Earl: I already told you; if they worried about their looks they'd wear pants.
Earl: 'Night Randy.
Randy: 'Night Earl.

[At the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]
Earl: [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
Joy: Twelve ball, side pocket.
[Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]
Joy: Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
Earl: It was an accident, Joy...
[leers at opponent's chest]
Earl: I think they're real.
Joy: [angered] Oh, so you're on HER side?


"My Name Is Earl: Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine (#1.6)" (2005)
Darnell Turner: [eating the Frosted Flakes that Joy took from Earl] Hey, Earl, thanks for the Flakes!
Earl Hickey: No problem, Crabman!

Candy Stoker: I wanna be a doctor some day.
Earl Hickey: Candy, there are too many doctors in the world. And if I don't get that figurine, I have to buy my ex-wife a hot tub, and hot tubs cost a lot o' cake. So you need to listen to your mother.

[Earl wakes up and finds Randy clipping his toenails]
Randy: They are always jabbing me and it's easier to do this while you're sleeping.
Earl Hickey: Thank God, I was starting to worry they weren't growing.


"My Name Is Earl: Didn't Pay Taxes (#1.17)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: Catalina, how much longer are you gonna be with that vacuum? It's making the TV scratchy.

Earl Hickey: [Randy crashed his moped] You all right?
Randy Hickey: Yeah. Stupid pothole tripped me.
[to pothole]
Randy Hickey: Why don't you look where you're goin'!
Earl Hickey: Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute?
Randy Hickey: I am sittin'.
[pause]
Randy Hickey: Oh.
[sits down]
Randy Hickey: When did you grow a moustache?

Randy Hickey: I spy with my little eye....
Earl Hickey: Is it the candy bar again?
Randy Hickey: Yeah.


"My Name Is Earl: Kept a Guy Locked in a Truck (#2.14)" (2007)
Earl: The computers talkin' to me, it called me Big Dog.
Joy: It's not the computer talkin', It's somebody in the wide wide world of web.

[after Earl has insisted that he wants a traditional funeral]
Funeral Director: [disappointed] A Box, you want a box. You want the Number Three Package, with the Blue suit, the Hillview Plad, Pachelbel's Canon in D on Organ, with the Stargazer Lillies, and a card with the Twenty-Third slam on it.
Earl: Not the Cannon that Sounds a little Dangerous. Should I just go to Nathanville?
Funeral Director: No, I'll do it. I need the money, I get sued a lot.

Joy: Why do you care so much about this guy anyway?
Earl: 'Cause he came to visit me last night in my dream.
Joy: That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it. That's how I got through cheating on you all those years. Please, you know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car while I was humping Darnell.


"My Name Is Earl: Barn Burner (#1.11)" (2006)
Catalina: You're going to a farm?
Earl: Shh, I'm not telling Randy, he's afraid of chickens... and the Pope's big hat, but mainly because he thinks there's a chicken under it.

Earl: [to Randy] Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!

Randy: I'm sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.
Earl: I know you are. It's ok.
Joy: Oh my god. You two are a couple of fruits.
Darnell Turner: I think it's sweet.
Joy: Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes.
[walks to kitchen]
Randy: I don't care what she thinks.
[hugs Earl]
Earl: I don't either, Randy.
Joy: [offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.


"My Name Is Earl: Dad's Car (#1.18)" (2006)
Earl: I mean, my life would've been a lot better if I'd had that Mustang. I wouldn't have lost my virginity in a public bus.
Randy Hickey: And I wouldn't have had to watch.

Carl Hickey: You're putting a 1970 carburetor in a '65?
Earl: It'll fit.
Carl Hickey: Oh sure, it'll fit! That size four dress will fit your mother but I wouldn't take her out in it!

Earl: I won ,Billy. The car's mine.
Billy Reed: Fine, you get the car, but it was a close race; I still got my dignity.
Patty: Hey Billy! Is it OK if I cancel your appointment to suck my feet? I'm just not feeling it anymore.


"My Name Is Earl: My Name is Alias (#4.19)" (2009)
Randy: All we have to do is open up the bomb, say "I hope this works", close our eyes and cut the blue wire. I seen it a million times on TV. It's easy.
[the bomb has nothing but blue wires]
Earl Hickey: What do we do now, Randy?
Randy: I think that we go to commercial.

Earl Hickey: Darnell always told us his dad died in the American-Canadian War.

Earl Hickey: So you were in the CIA or the FBI?
Thomas: Even more secretive than that.
Randy: Don't tell me - IRS? PBS? TCBY?
Thomas: Actually, it was the...
Randy: BYOB?
Thomas: Son... you're getting on my last nerve.


"My Name Is Earl: The Gangs of Camden County (#3.3)" (2007)
Earl Hickey: I still can't see why we can't have our own nail clippers.
Guard: Me neither. Although this one guy used them to saw off another guy's arm. Took three and a half weeks.

Earl Hickey: So you have your gangs fight each other just so you can be together?
Hector: That, and they really like fighting.

Earl Hickey: Randy, I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her. Go on.
Randy Hickey: Well, I suppose she does have a nice rack.
Joy Turner: [pleased] Was that so hard?


"My Name Is Earl: Early Release (#3.12)" (2007)
Earl: I know what you're doing! You're fattening me up for Thanksgiving dinner! Well, no one is eating Earl J. Turkey! Gobble, gobble!

Earl: Finding the prison blueprints was easy. The warden got lost so many times he had them laminated so that he could take them every time he needed to find the bathroom.

Earl: I almost had an idea, but now I lost it!
Randy Hickey: That happens to me all the time.


"My Name Is Earl: Born a Gamblin Man (#2.9)" (2006)
Disease Control leader: Earl, maybe you need to ask yourself if you have a gambling problem.
Earl Hickey: Hmm, no, I don't have a gambling problem, I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't y'all pour some sugar on that?

Earl Hickey: You want me to teach you how to be less gay so you can sleep with more men?
[Kenny nods]
Earl Hickey: Okay.


"My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones (#2.3)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: These hamburgers are great.
William: Thanks. It's Black Angus.
Randy Hickey: I don't think I can eat it now that I know the cow's name.

Earl Hickey: Nice house you've got here. No plastic. The wood is made of real wood.


"My Name Is Earl: Y2K (#1.19)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: Hey Donny, what can I trade you for a TV?
Donny Jones: Give me your wife.
Earl Hickey: I'm not giving you my wife. Pick a snack food.
Donny Jones: Marshmallow fluff... smeared on your wife.
Earl Hickey: Donny...
Donny Jones: Okay. I'll give you a TV. But you gotta owe me one favor. And I get to ask for that favor anytime I want, and you can't say no, and you can't ask what the favor is gonna be.
Earl Hickey: Is the favor giving you my wife?
Donny Jones: Yup.
Earl Hickey: Forget it.

Earl Hickey: Randy, I told you: No robot dogs. We can only afford the things we need to survive.
Randy Hickey: But I already filled out the adoption papers.


"My Name Is Earl: Foreign Exchange Student (#2.15)" (2007)
Catalina: Earl.
Earl Hickey: I'm giving breakfast to the French guy. Hey, can I borrow you master key to break into his room?
Catalina: Anytime.

Pierre: So, I am guessing that there is no 24 hour concierge?
Earl Hickey: If concierge is a fancy word for hooker, they'll be around as soon as the methadone clinic closes.


"My Name Is Earl: South of the Border: Part Uno (#2.10)" (2006)
Dr Rudin: So, Earl, Randy, it says here that I haven't seen you boys since you were ten.
Earl Hickey: Well, you know, you get busy. I haven't been seeing another doctor, if that's what you're worried about.

[to the stewardess]
Earl Hickey: Um, excuse me, ma'm. You just said my seat may be used as a flotation device. Is that maybe as in "can be" or maybe like, "maybe yours will or maybe yours won't", 'cause I didn't ask for a floating seat, I would have but that wasn't one of the choices.


"My Name Is Earl: Stole Beer from a Golfer (#1.7)" (2005)
Randy: Last year they had the world's tallest midget, he was as tall as you Earl, remember?
Earl: I think that might have been a scam, Randy
Randy: I don't know Earl, that was one tall midget.

Earl: Don't worry. I'll find your dog. But, that's it right? Then your life is exactly back to the way it was seven months ago? We're done?
Scott: Yes. I think that should put everything back to normal.
Earl: Good.
Scott: Unless...
[to Tess]
Scott: You didn't have sex with anyone else while we were broken up, did you?
Tess: I used my hand on a guy a little.
Earl: Yeah, I'm not sure how to un-ring that bell.


"My Name Is Earl: Boogeyman (#1.20)" (2006)
Earl: A simple misunderstanding gets a lot less simple once you add choppers and a S.W.A.T team. Those guys have bazookas.

Randy Hickey: I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favorite things: Toy guns and paint. Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list. Wait. Three things- I also like balls. Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.
Earl: Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list.
[Knocking]
Alby: I wanna live with you.
Randy Hickey: Wait. Three things- I also like balls.
[Alby looks at him]
Randy Hickey: Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.


"My Name Is Earl: O Karma, Where Art Thou? (#1.12)" (2006)
Earl: It's amazing how humiliated you can feel, dressed as a hamburger being poked by a balloon.

Randy Hickey: What a jerk! You should report that guy to the manager.
Earl Hickey: He is the manager.
Randy Hickey: Oh. Then he already knows.


"My Name Is Earl: Number One (#1.24)" (2006)
Man: I'll give you $1800 for it if it runs.
Earl: It runs, just not right now. It's out of gas.
Man: [pauses] I'll give you $1785 for it.
Randy: Take it Earl! You know this car isn't worth more than $1500!
Man: $1500.
Randy: Take it Earl, we're desperate!
Man: $1200.
Randy: Hurry Earl, he's lowering his price for no reason

Man: [holding car for sale sign] I'll give you 1800 for it, if it runs.
Earl: It runs, just not right now, it's outta gas.
Man: I'll give you 1785 for it.
Randy: Take it Earl, you know this car is not worth more than 1500.
Man: 1500.
Randy: Take it Earl, we're desperate!
Man: 1200.
Randy: Hurry Earl, he's lowering his price for no reason!


"My Name Is Earl: Stole P's HD Cart (#1.13)" (2006)
Randy: You takin' Pops' hot dogs outta Camden County is like taking chicken out of Syracuse.
Earl: It's Buffalo, Randy.
Randy: No, I'm pretty sure it's chicken, Earl.
Joy: Yeah, it's chicken. Spicy chicken!

Earl: Mr. Covington?
Mr. Covington: Mr. Covington is my father's name, you can call me Sir


"My Name Is Earl: The Trial (#2.23)" (2007)
Earl: [on having to leave their hotel room] Yeah, we did have some good times here. The gas leak was scary, though.
Randy: It wasn't that bad. We slept through most of it.

Earl: Next, I went to visit Joy's minister. I figured it would help to have a man of God as a character witness.
Reverend: The last time Joy was in church, she showed up in a denim bikini. When I told her it was inappropriate, she said 'What? You think Jesus wouldn't want some of this?'
Earl: I'll put you down as a 'No' then.


"My Name Is Earl: Two Balls, Two Strikes (#2.20)" (2007)
Joy: You need to kill little Chubby... slowly.
Earl: Are you crazy ? I'm not messing with that psycho!
Joy: Well then, you should have married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by a man instead of a real lady like ME!

Earl: That explains why he rented Memoirs of a Geisha. Man, that was the worst kung fu movie ever!


"My Name Is Earl: My Name Is Inmate #28301-016: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2007)
Glenn: I'm gonna kill you, Earl. I'm gonna rip off your face and wear it to the Ugly Ball.
Earl Hickey: That's scary and hurtful, Glenn.


"My Name Is Earl: Larceny of a Kitty Cat (#2.4)" (2006)
Earl Hickey: Randy, I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious.
Randy Hickey: Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believing in karma. Plus, we always buy the kind of cereal you like.


"My Name Is Earl: Dodge's Dad (#4.27)" (2009)
Joy Turner: Sweet Jesus!
Earl Hickey: I know! I'm Dodge's father!
Joy Turner: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
Darnell Turner: We've got another problem.
Earl Hickey: What?
Darnell Turner: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.
Joy Turner: What does that mean?
Darnell Turner: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.
Joy Turner: Now, everybody just calm down.


"My Name Is Earl: Stole an RV (#4.4)" (2008)
Earl Hickey: This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over sixty.


"My Name Is Earl: Van Hickey (#2.5)" (2006)
[voice over, about why he had sex with Ralph's mother]
Earl Hickey: And there she was. She wasn't young, but she was conscious... And besides, she made us Rice Krispy squares.


"My Name Is Earl: Guess Who's Coming Out of Joy (#2.18)" (2007)
Earl Hickey: What are you going to do, spank me? I'm not seventeen anymore.


"My Name Is Earl: We've Got Spirit (#4.6)" (2008)
Earl Hickey: [Narrating] Cheerleading camp was gonna be harder than I thought, and so was changing Dodge's mind.
Joy Turner: [Talking to her son, Dodge] Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare, so it's considered a treasure of the human race. That's what World War II is about. Why do you think the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous!
[Dodge waves and smiles at Catalina, who waves and smiles back]
Joy Turner: Oh, come on! You just like her because she's the same color as pancakes!


"My Name Is Earl: Joy's Wedding (#1.8)" (2005)
Joy: I hope you get nut cancer, you son-of-a-bitch.
Earl: Nice. Do you kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?


"My Name Is Earl: Killerball (#3.18)" (2008)
Earl Hickey: Every neighborhood, there's people that annoy everybody else by working odd hours. In the trailer park, those hours are 9 to 5.


"My Name Is Earl: Midnight Bun (#3.10)" (2007)
Earl Hickey: [looking for escaped prisoner] Okay look, we have 46 hours, Frank couldn't have gotten that far. Where's the ice cream store?
Randy Hickey: It's the one next to the train station and that costume store, near the bong shop where they make the fake IDs. We just have to look for a guy who could be dressed as anything and whose anywhere train might go.


"My Name Is Earl: The Bounty Hunter (#1.21)" (2006)
Earl: [Looking for Jesse] Hey Crabman.
Darnell Turner: Hey Earl.
Earl: Where is she?
Darnell Turner: She's in the bedroom, tearin' things up lookin' for clues and whatnot. I'm totally freakin' out. Can you tell?
Earl: Not Really.
Darnell Turner: I had a little cocktail.


"My Name Is Earl: Stole a Badge (#1.22)" (2006)
Earl: You know the kinda guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realized I had to change. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.


"My Name Is Earl: Monkeys in Space (#1.14)" (2006)
[Randy is temporarily blind]
Earl: Sorry, Randy, but I've got my own problems to worry about! After dinner I'm gonna have to help you use the bathroom - literally!
Randy: You don't have to hold anything, you just need to help me to the seat, I'll go like a girl.


"My Name Is Earl: No Heads and a Duffle Bag (#3.17)" (2008)
Earl Hickey: Smoking weed kills your brain cells. Drinking only screws up your liver. You got two of those.
Joy: Yeah, I don't understand weed. When you smoke you get the munchies and you get fat. When you drink you throw up and you get skinny. That's just physics.


"My Name Is Earl: Buried Treasure (#2.13)" (2007)
Earl Hickey: In Camden County, the library was also the museum, so you could actually learn stuff there instead of just reading books.