Joy Turner
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Quotes for
Joy Turner (Character)
from "My Name Is Earl" (2005)

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"My Name Is Earl: Very Bad Things (#2.1)" (2006)
Joy: British people don't steal trucks! They drink tea and live in castles!

Jasper: Same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair, they make mistakes!
Tatiana: It was not mistake.
Jasper: Yeah well you better pray I find that ear lobe.
Tatiana: He won't mind. Jasper is too much sissie to be a real criminal, this is why we live in cement closet. Bring me to this truck and I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper.
Joy: I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face we could hang out.

Tatiana: Something is specious, you are police I know it.
Joy: Oh calm down I've just got to pick up the truck keys. So jumpy all of a sudden.
Tatiana: I just don't like surprises.
Everyone: Surprise!
Tatiana: Ah!

[at the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]
Earl: [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
Joy: Twelve ball, side pocket.
[Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]
Joy: Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
Earl: It was an accident, Joy...
[leers at opponent's chest]
Earl: I think they're real.
Joy: [angered] Oh, so you're on *her* side?

[Joy has stolen a truck from the Bargain Bag store because they wouldn't refund her $3000]
Earl: [horrified] Stole a truck?
Joy: [adamant] Because they wouldn't give me my money back! It was a crime of principal like when Rosa Parks stole that bus!
Earl: They wouldn't even give you a store credit?
Joy: No.
Earl: That doesn't seem fair.
Joy: Thank you! Which is why you have to help me sell the truck.
Earl: Sell the truck... Joy, that's against the law.
Joy: Earl, this is not about the law. It's about right and wrong, and isn't that what your list is about, rights and wrongs? Doing unto others all that Robin Hood/Batman/Jesus stuff?
Earl: Well you got a good point. The store DID do you wrong. I don't know if Jesus or Batman would sell a truck, but Robin Hood might. Okay, I'll do it. But you're not getting a penny more than three thousand dollars.
Joy: Of course not! That would be wrong...

Joy: [about Randy] Hey; at least he's thinking! It's not his fault he's bad at it.

[At the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]
Earl: [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
Joy: Twelve ball, side pocket.
[Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]
Joy: Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
Earl: It was an accident, Joy...
[leers at opponent's chest]
Earl: I think they're real.
Joy: [angered] Oh, so you're on HER side?

Jasper: [Looking at the picture of the Bargain Bag truck Joy stole] Not going to buy it.
Joy: Why not?
Jasper: Because I can't sell it.
Joy: What! You once tried to sell an Iranian baby on the Internet.
Jasper: Yeah, but he didn't have 'Iranian Baby' tattooed on his forehead.
Joy: Please; like they wouldn't find out he was Iranian when he started talking.
Jasper: Besides, you're an amateur and I don't buy from amateurs for the same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair
[staring at Natalia]
Jasper: , because they make mistakes.
Natalia: It was not mistake.
Jasper: Well, you just better hope I find that earlobe.

"My Name Is Earl: White Lie Christmas (#1.10)" (2005)
Joy: [Darnell enters the room] Oh, my God, it's a negro, we're being robbed.

Joy: You know how traditional my parents are! If they found out I got divorced and got married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock!

[Christmas 2002]
Joy: [opens her present, batteries] What are these for?
Earl Hickey: Whatever you want baby.

[Christmas 2003]
Joy: [opens her present, condoms] How are these for me?
Earl Hickey: They're flavored. Merry Christmas.

[Christmas 2004]
Joy: [opens her present, car keys] Oh my God! Oh my God! Wait, these are my keys.
Earl Hickey: I know, I found them.

Joy: [going to bed while Earl and Randy drink beer and watch cartoons] There better be some beers left over for Christmas morning!

"My Name Is Earl: Our 'Cops' Is On! (#2.12)" (2007)
Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
Joy: I'm not cheatin' on you!

Joy: [impersonating a cop] If you fail the sobriety test, we will shoot you in the face.

Joy: I love you so much baby. I am gonna
Joy: your
Joy: [beep] with my sweet sweet sweet love
Joy: [beep]
Joy: [beeeeeeeeeep] .
Earl: Sssh. You had me at balls.

Joy: Oh, man! Not more cops? If this keeps happening, I'm going Ruby Ridge.

Earl: [Earl and Joy are riding in a stolen police car when Joy pulls over a young woman] Wait, that's my ex girlfriend. I can't let her see me; she thinks I'm dead.
Joy: Oh, hell yes; this is going to be fun.
[using the loudspeaker]
Joy: The driver will get out of the car. Ok, slut, put your hands on the fender and spread your legs. I'm sure that won't be difficult for you.
Natalie Duckworth: I'm not a slut! I only slept with one man!
Earl: [Looking into the 'COPS' camera and grinning] That was me; yeah, I hit that.

"My Name Is Earl: Jump for Joy (#2.2)" (2006)
Catalina: [picks up phone] Nice jumpsuit.
Joy: Ain't you sweet. Now Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends!
Catalina: The first time you saw me you called me a whore.
Joy: No, you just misunderstood what I said. Which is understandable, I mean because you're Mexican.
Catalina: I'm not Mexican.
Joy: Whatever, you speak Mexican.
Catalina: I speak Spanish.
Earl: Well you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that.
Catalina: Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me. And I know why you hate me. It's because I'm hot.
Joy: Excuse me?
Earl: [rubs eye] Damn it, there goes the eye again.
Catalina: You're jealous of my hotness. Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. But not the prison of your fat body, for that you have a life sentence.
Joy: I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me.
Catalina: Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-Section scar.
Joy: That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally!
Catalina: Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts!
Joy: [opens jumpsuit] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!
Catalina: I've heard enough! This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo.
Joy: My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!

Earl: [voiceover] Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money.
Joy: [at copy machine] Can we get some more green ink in this machine?
Kenny James: [as copy shop employee] Is that... are you copying money?
Joy: Ssssh! Don't say anything, I'll make it worth your while!
Kenny James: [attempting to take counterfeit money from Joy] Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you...
Joy: What are you doing?
Kenny James: We have a policy. I signed a loyalty oath.
Joy: Give me my fake money! That's my fake money!

Joy: [to Catalina over the prison visitors' phone] I'm made in America, not a maid in America.

Judge Miller: Joy Turner?
Joy: Yes, your highness?
Judge Miller: Mrs. Turner, do you have an attorney today?
Joy: Oh, I don't need one. Besides, I wasn't about to put my mouth anywhere near that pay phone after that meth head puked on it.
Judge Miller: Very well. Bail is set at one million dollars.

"My Name Is Earl: Barn Burner (#1.11)" (2006)
Joy: They are monsters Darnell! Those kids are monsters! They used my going-out lipstick to draw boobs on the car headlights again!

Randy: I'm sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.
Earl: I know you are. It's ok.
Joy: Oh my god. You two are a couple of fruits.
Darnell Turner: I think it's sweet.
Joy: Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes.
[walks to kitchen]
Randy: I don't care what she thinks.
[hugs Earl]
Earl: I don't either, Randy.
Joy: [offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.

Joy: [after Catalina's Spanish tirade] Sorry, I don't speak maid.

Joy: [to Dodge and Earl Jr] You know what, y'all don't stop fighting, I swear to god I'll slap you so hard, you'll both switch colors

"My Name Is Earl: Monkeys Take a Bath (#4.2)" (2008)
[playing an IQ game]
Joy Turner: I swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was little.

Earl Hickey: I've decided to forgive you for cheating on me.
Joy Turner: Good, 'cause I'd do it again.

Kay Hickey: [Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body.
[Randy has panic in his eye]
Kay Hickey: He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon.
[Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"]
Randy Hickey: [Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better.
[Desperately trying to change the subject]
Randy Hickey: Not talking about this stuff.
Kay Hickey: [Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina?
Randy Hickey: [On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops...
[Looking ill]
Randy Hickey: I'll go get us more drinks.
[Rushes to the bar stage left]
Kay Hickey: Ok. I'm gonna tinkle.
[Completely oblivious to Randy's distress: Kay exits the scene, stage left]
Joy Turner: [Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on?
Randy Hickey: [Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything?
[Joy is suddenly very interested]
Joy Turner: [Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well!
[Flash to terrified Kay on toilet]
Joy Turner: Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.
Kay Hickey: [Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God!
Joy Turner: [Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-last-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters.
Kay Hickey: [Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone!
Joy Turner: [Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.
Kay Hickey: I am nothing like you!
[Raises her right foot and slams her heel into Joy's face]
Joy Turner: [Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel!
Kay Hickey: [Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can!
[Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out]
Joy Turner: [Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh...
[Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead]
Joy Turner: Great...
Joy Turner: Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again!

"My Name Is Earl: Teacher Earl (#1.5)" (2005)
Joy: Hey, Ralph! How was prison?
Ralph: About a five...

Joy: Earl, I don't care if she's Vietnamese, Chinese, or Chuck E. Cheese. She can't be learnin' English!

[to client]
Joy: Now, did you want me to paint the zodiac signs on your nails? I mean there's twelve, but, I can paint the extra two on your big toes.

"My Name Is Earl: Kept a Guy Locked in a Truck (#2.14)" (2007)
Earl: The computers talkin' to me, it called me Big Dog.
Joy: It's not the computer talkin', It's somebody in the wide wide world of web.

Joy: [to the tune of 'Ding Dong the witch is dead'] Ding Dong my witness is dead, my witness is dead, my witness is dead.

Joy: Why do you care so much about this guy anyway?
Earl: 'Cause he came to visit me last night in my dream.
Joy: That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it. That's how I got through cheating on you all those years. Please, you know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car while I was humping Darnell.

"My Name Is Earl: Joy's Wedding (#1.8)" (2005)
Joy: I hope you get nut cancer, you son-of-a-bitch.
Earl: Nice. Do you kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?

Joy: I'm sweatin' like a whore in church. No offense Carla.
Carla: None taken, I don't go to church.

Joy: It's so hot in here I'm sweating like a whore in church; no offense, Patty.
Patty: None taken; I don't go to church.

"My Name Is Earl: BB (#1.23)" (2006)
Joy: [trips over a painting of "The Last Supper"] Dammit! Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?

Joy Turner: You cheatin' son of a bitch! You're supposed to say "Uno" when you only got one card left!
Earl Hickey: I said "One"!
Joy Turner: You're supposed to say "Uno"! It's a Mexican game!
Earl Hickey: Joy, this is why the kids won't play Candyland with you anymore.

Joy Turner: Oh, snap! Earl's drivers licence! I'm holding onto this for a rainy day.
Darnell Turner: Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that. That woulda been cool, like you're an evil genius or something.
Joy Turner: That would have been cool.
[holds the licence up and shouts]
Joy Turner: I'm holding on to this for a rainy day!
Darnell Turner: I think you need clouds to thunder.
Joy Turner: [gasps] Look at that bird up there! How the hell do they stay up there like that?

"My Name Is Earl: Stole a Badge (#1.22)" (2006)
Joy: What are you doin' towing a car with an American flag on it? Are you part Taliban?

Darnell Turner: Hey, Rodney, you're not a cop. Cops don't sell fake watches out of their truck.
Joy: [looks at her watch] Dammit! I thought that said Cucci!

Joy: I can't believe this. That grunt Rodney just got into my car and licked my steering wheel. How the hell am I supposed to get home now?

"My Name Is Earl: Something to Live For (#1.15)" (2006)
Joy: Hey dummy.
Randy, Earl: Hey.

Joy: Darnell, you better be looking at my boobs when I'm talking about them.

Joy: You that weird guy that likes to watch me take my underwear off my clothesline?
Philo: One of them, yes, ma'am.

"My Name Is Earl: Creative Writing (#3.5)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [finishing reading her story to her kids] ... And they went back to their trailer and lived happily ever after. OK you two, clean up and go to bed, and remember, if you don't listen to what I say, God will kill you.
[kids hurry out]
Darnell Turner: While I disagree with your view of a conventional anthropomorphic God, I respect you using that myth to discipline them rascally boys.
Joy Turner: I'm a creative van, Darnell. I mean think about all that stuff I yell at the movie screen and all those great Mad Libs I've done. The purple Christina Aguilera flew into...
Joy Turner, Darnell Turner: ...the horny Carol Burnett!

Randy Hickey: I know what'll cheer you up, Joy! Writing a story. You should do it.
Joy Turner: Here's a story: Once upon a time, Randy shut up. The end. It had a slow start but I liked the middle.

Joy Turner: [after a ninja in Randy's super-hero story is unmasked and revealed as Joy] Go ahead, finish me off.
Randy Hickey: I'd never hurt a lady.
Joy Turner: [breathes a sigh of relief]
Randy Hickey: [snapping her neck] Lucky for me, you're no lady.

"My Name Is Earl: Quit Smoking (#1.2)" (2005)
[after finding Earl's video will]
Joy: Darnell, run down to the Video Hut and rent me a VCR!

Gun Store Owner: There's a three-day ID check on all guns.
Joy: Land of the free, my ass - what can I bring outta here today that done kill somebody?
Gun Store Owner: Anything in aisle seven.

[Joy is watching a video of her and Earl recorded a few years ago whilst they were both drunk]
Joy: Next time you steal a camera Earl, make sure the thing works.
Earl: I think I got it on.
Joy: I love you Earl.
Earl: I love that you love me.

"My Name Is Earl: I Won't Die with a Little Help from My Friends: Part 1 (#3.14)" (2008)
[Amazon trucker Sissy mounts comatose Earl and puts his hands on her breasts, not knowing she's being peeped on]
Sissy: So where were we, lover?
Catalina: Oh, snap!
Joy Turner: [to Catalina] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that.
Randy Hickey: [breaks in] Get yo' boobs off my brother!
Sissy: Please don't take him from me. God left him to me on the front of my truck. He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. Anyway, you can't take him from me. We already exchanged vows.

[after comatose Earl's brother and friends save him from amazon trucker Sissy's bed]
Indian Doctor: He's suffered serious head trauma and massive internal injuries.
Randy Hickey: Well, at least they're internal.
Indian Doctor: He also has severely bruised nipples.
[Joy looks aside]
Indian Doctor: We might not be able to save one of them. In addition, he has some palet shaped burns on the sides of his head. And let's see what else. His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs, and last but not least, we're not sure, but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm.
Joy Turner: Oh, my God, that crazy bitch tried to constipate the marriage.

Catalina: Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby.
Joy Turner: Gonorrhea?

"My Name Is Earl: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Joy: I want half that lotto money, Earl.
Earl: Yeah? Well, I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgiving, but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it?

Joy: Earl! Your brother shaved the damn cat again!

"My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones (#2.3)" (2006)
Joy Turner: [Getting ready to meet her lawyer] I'll bend over, you tell me if you can see my thong.
Darnell Turner: What thong?
Joy Turner: Perfect. Here, put these socks down your pants in case he's gay.

Joy Turner: [reading Busted: Now What?, a Guide for Dummies-type book] I need a Dummies' guide for the Dummies' guide. Half this stuff looks like it's written in Latin. I can't even understand the damn cartoons!

"My Name Is Earl: Y2K (#1.19)" (2006)
Joy: [opening a stolen Christmas gift] If this is another damn thesaurus, I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people... and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

Joy: [opening a stolen christmas gift] If this is another damn thesaurus, I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people... and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

"My Name Is Earl: Foreign Exchange Student (#2.15)" (2007)
[Pierre has just punched Earl out]
Joy Turner: I thought French people didn't like fighting.
Pierre: [bitterly] Oh, ze World War Two joke, zat's fresh.

[trying to convince Pierre America is great]
Joy Turner: How can you not like this country? It's got everything you want, except for a big ass fence on the border. We're working on that, too.

"My Name Is Earl: Randy's Touchdown (#1.3)" (2005)
Earl Hickey: Where's my car, Joy?
Joy: Oh, I had it towed.
Earl Hickey: Towed?
Joy: Yeah. Maybe if you gave me some of that lotto money, I'd back off!
Earl Hickey: [voiceover] It was at that moment I realized Joy had no idea that the money was in the car.
Randy Hickey: Hey, Earl! Joy had no idea all your lotto money was in the car!

Joy: Karma this, you dummy!

"My Name Is Earl: We've Got Spirit (#4.6)" (2008)
Earl Hickey: [Narrating] Cheerleading camp was gonna be harder than I thought, and so was changing Dodge's mind.
Joy Turner: [Talking to her son, Dodge] Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare, so it's considered a treasure of the human race. That's what World War II is about. Why do you think the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous!
[Dodge waves and smiles at Catalina, who waves and smiles back]
Joy Turner: Oh, come on! You just like her because she's the same color as pancakes!

Joy Turner: You boys finish up your homework! Don't too good at it, mama needs that summer school for free daycare.

"My Name Is Earl: The Bounty Hunter (#1.21)" (2006)
Randy: You wanna play a game of Madlibs?
Joy: Here's one, shut the blank up!
Randy: Shut the BUTT up! Do another one!

Darnell Turner: [sitting on the couch, watching "Wonderbug" on television] I like that Wonderbug. I wish we had a car that flew.
Joy: I wish we had a car that didn't have to start with a spoon.

"My Name Is Earl: The Gangs of Camden County (#3.3)" (2007)
Joy Turner: You don't get sent to prison for slapping a cop. And even if you did, you know what the odds are that you even get sent to the same prison as Earl?
Randy Hickey: Seven?
Joy Turner: Seven what?
Randy Hickey: Seven get sent to prisons.
Joy Turner: That doesn't even make sense.
Randy Hickey: Twelve?

Earl Hickey: Randy, I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her. Go on.
Randy Hickey: Well, I suppose she does have a nice rack.
Joy Turner: [pleased] Was that so hard?

"My Name Is Earl: No Heads and a Duffle Bag (#3.17)" (2008)
Joy: Flavored Vodka is for sissies and pregnant women!

Earl Hickey: Smoking weed kills your brain cells. Drinking only screws up your liver. You got two of those.
Joy: Yeah, I don't understand weed. When you smoke you get the munchies and you get fat. When you drink you throw up and you get skinny. That's just physics.

"My Name Is Earl: My Name Is Inmate #28301-016: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [at the Crab Shack] For the love of God, pick something!
Randy Hickey: I'm sorry, I usually just order what Earl gets.
Darnell Turner: Well Randy, I talked to the prison and they said Earl was having duck a l'orange and caviar pie. I think the guy was being facetious, but we don't have it anyway so it doesn't matter.

"My Name Is Earl: Born a Gamblin Man (#2.9)" (2006)
Disease Control leader: You have what is known as pathological impulse-control disorder.
Joy Turner: Hot damn! Does this mean I can get crippled-people parking?

"My Name Is Earl: Dodge's Dad (#4.27)" (2009)
Joy Turner: Sweet Jesus!
Earl Hickey: I know! I'm Dodge's father!
Joy Turner: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
Darnell Turner: We've got another problem.
Earl Hickey: What?
Darnell Turner: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.
Joy Turner: What does that mean?
Darnell Turner: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.
Joy Turner: Now, everybody just calm down.

"My Name Is Earl: Nature's Game Show (#4.11)" (2008)
Joy: Fictional characters are in books Darnell. MacGyver's on TV.

"My Name Is Earl: Didn't Pay Taxes (#1.17)" (2006)
Joy: I don't know why you're having so much trouble. I mean they're all the time taking money from me. Just last week I paid twenty dollars for speeding in a school zone.
Randy Hickey: Hey, you paid seventy-five for that Earl. How come you only paid twenty dollars?
Joy: Cause I brushed my license against his nobby when I handed it to him.

"My Name Is Earl: Guess Who's Coming Out of Joy (#2.18)" (2007)
Carl Hickey: So, what's the father's name?
Joy Darville: How should I know? You know how crazy concerts are.

"My Name Is Earl: Robbed a Stoner Blind (#2.8)" (2006)
Joy Turner: Hey, Lance Armstrong! Don't you know riding bicycles gives you nut cancer?

"My Name Is Earl: Frank's Girl (#3.6)" (2007)
Joy Turner: How'm I gonna get that picture back from Catalina? I mean, I can't blackmail her. Everything she should be embarrassed about, people already know: she's a stripper, she's a maid, she's a foreigner. I'm just gonna have to kill her.
Darnell Turner: You can't kill that woman.
Joy Turner: Oh, yes I can! A poison cookie, just like I tried with Earl a couple years ago. I mean, I still know the recipe. It's just sugar, eggs, and poison.
Darnell Turner: Why don't you just try being nice to her? People like it when you're nice to them. Remember five years ago at the pet store when you made that guy smile?

"My Name Is Earl: Boogeyman (#1.20)" (2006)
Joy: Oooh! Y'all, they got real cheese!

"My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad the Election (#1.9)" (2005)
Joy: Come on Darnell, you can sign up too.
Darnell Turner: I'm already registered to vote.
Joy: What?
Darnell Turner: Not that it matters. Cause until we reform the electoral college, the popular votes will be ignored and we'll keep electing presidents that only get a minority of the votes.
Joy: That must be some black stuff, I don't know what he is talking about.

"My Name Is Earl: B.L.O.W (#2.16)" (2007)
Joy Turner: [standing naked in front of Randy] Randy, do you know where babies come from?
Randy Hickey: Yeah, the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

"My Name Is Earl: Dad's Car (#1.18)" (2006)
[A drunk Joy thinks she drove home fine]
Joy Turner: I told you I could drive just fine.
Randy Hickey: Oh I drove, you were steering with a paper plate in the passenger seat. But you did get a couple of turns right.

"My Name Is Earl: Midnight Bun (#3.10)" (2007)
Joy Turner: Excuse me? Hey, last name's Turner, I need to see a doctor, pronto.
Nurse: [on hospital intercom] Doctor Pronto to reception please, doctor Pronto!

"My Name Is Earl: Joy in a Bubble (#4.3)" (2008)
Joy Turner: Lord love a duck, Darnell!

"My Name Is Earl: Our Other Cops Is On!: Part 1 (#3.7)" (2007)
Joy: [brandishing a weed whacker at Earl] *You* gotta do something! Like provide for me! I am the queen, you are the worker bee! Your job is to feed me, do me, and die!

"My Name Is Earl: Early Release (#3.12)" (2007)
[Joy and Darnell enter the prison disguised as a priest and a nun]
Guard: Where's Father Tadone?
Joy: He called in sick.
Guard: Where's Sister Bernadette?
Darnell: She called in sick, too. We have our suspicions.

"My Name Is Earl: I Won't Die with a Little Help from My Friends: Part 2 (#3.15)" (2008)
Joy Turner: [while holding Earl's hand onto her boobs] Squeeze, baby, you're a vegetable, not a fruit!

"My Name Is Earl: Number One (#1.24)" (2006)
Catalina: [in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off] Con esto concluimos nuestra primera temporada de Earl. Estamos muy agradecidos con su acompañamiento y anticipamos verlos el próximo otoño. - This concludes our first season of Earl. We are very grateful for your support and look forward to seeing you next autumn.
Joy: Blah, blah, blah.

"My Name Is Earl: Stole P's HD Cart (#1.13)" (2006)
Randy: You takin' Pops' hot dogs outta Camden County is like taking chicken out of Syracuse.
Earl: It's Buffalo, Randy.
Randy: No, I'm pretty sure it's chicken, Earl.
Joy: Yeah, it's chicken. Spicy chicken!

"My Name Is Earl: Two Balls, Two Strikes (#2.20)" (2007)
Joy: You need to kill little Chubby... slowly.
Earl: Are you crazy ? I'm not messing with that psycho!
Joy: Well then, you should have married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by a man instead of a real lady like ME!

"My Name Is Earl: The Frank Factor (#3.4)" (2007)
Joy Turner: Why are you touching me? Where's that female guard who looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers?
Randy Hickey: She's sick today so they said I get to frisk all the women, 'cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose.
[slowly moves on to her chest, then suddenly squeezes her large breasts]
Joy Turner: Randy!

"My Name Is Earl: Buried Treasure (#2.13)" (2007)
Joy Turner: You know the kind of woman who could've been the next Faith Hill, but somewhere along the way discovered peach daiquiri, put a diaphragm in on her own, and wound up smack dab in the middle of trailer hell raising two kids? Yep, she still manages to look hot and you can bounce a quarter off her butt cause you gotta take of yourself. I mean, come on. Anyway, that's me. My name is Joy.