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Quotes for
Talkie Toaster (Character)
from "Red Dwarf" (1988)

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"Red Dwarf: White Hole (#4.4)" (1991)
Holly: [her IQ has been increased to 12,000] Strike a light! I'm a genius again! I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being-everything! Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it.
Talkie Toaster: Any question?
Holly: Yes.
Talkie Toaster: How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics? Any question at all, truly anything and you will answer?
Holly: Yes.
Talkie Toaster: OK, here's my question: Would you like some toast?
Holly: No, thank you. Now ask me another.
Talkie Toaster: Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?
Holly: I know everything there is to know about chaos theory and predicting weather cycles.
Talkie Toaster: Oh, very well. Here's my second question: Would you like a crumpet?
Holly: I'm a computer with an I.Q. of 12,000. You don't seem to understand; I know the meaning of the universe.
Talkie Toaster: That's not answering my question.
Holly: [irritated] No, I would not like a crumpet! Now ask me a sensible question, preferably one that isn't bread related.
Talkie Toaster: Very well. I have a third question. A sensible question. A question that will tax your new I.Q. to its very limits and stretch the sinews of you knowledge to bursting point.
Holly: This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?
Talkie Toaster: Certainly not. And I resent the implication that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance.
Holly: I apologise, toaster. What's the question?
Talkie Toaster: The question is this: Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite... would you like a toasted teacake?
Holly: That's another bready question.
Talkie Toaster: It's not just bready. It's quite curranty, too.

Talkie Toaster: [Holly is shutting herself off] Wait, before you go, there is one question, an important one, the others will have to know!
Holly: [alarmed] What? What?
Talkie Toaster: Would you like a cheese and ham Breville?

Kryten: His memory circuits were quite badly damaged in the accident.
Talkie Toaster: That wasn't an accident! It was first degree toastercide!


"Red Dwarf: Waiting for God (#1.4)" (1988)
Lister: They're just using religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy towards each other.
Toaster: So, what else is new?

Toaster: What's the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast?
Lister: I do like toast.
Toaster: This is my job. This is cruel, just cruel.
Lister: Look, I'm busy.
Toaster: Oh, you're not busy eating toast are you?

Toaster: I toast, therefore I am.


"Red Dwarf: Future Echoes (#1.2)" (1988)
Holly: We're travelling faster than LS.
Lister: What's LS?
Toaster: Light Speed.
Lister: Smart arse.