Arnold Rimmer
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Quotes for
Arnold Rimmer (Character)
from "Red Dwarf" (1988)

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"Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (#6.3)" (1993)
Rimmer: Sooner or later we're going to have to face the fact that we're not all going to get out of this in one piece, or if we are, it's going to be one big flat piece.

Bear Strangler McGee: [looming over Rimmer, who has just vomited into his hat] A man' beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee is either mighty brave, or mighty stupid. Now which are you, boy?
Rimmer: Sorry, what were the choices again?
Lister: [quickly jumps in and hands McGee some money] You'll have to forgive our friend. He's a couple of gunmen short of a posse. Here.
Bear Strangler McGee: That pays for the hat. Now what about the insult?
Rimmer: OK, you're a fat, bearded git with breath that could paralyse a grizzly.

Rimmer: [to the Simulant Captain] I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war, ergo we surrender! And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
Kryten: 39436175880932/B? All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space? Is that entirely relevant, sir? I mean, here we are in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
Rimmer: Can't you let just one go? I was talking about the right of POWs to non-violet constraint.
Kryten: Well, that's 75880932/C, sir.
Rimmer: It's embarrassing as much as anything else. Here you are totally humiliating me in front of this xenophobic genocidal maniac.
[to the Simulant Captain]
Rimmer: No offence.

Rimmer: You took your time. Where've you been?
Lister: I was in the AR machine.
Rimmer: Again?
Lister: What do you mean again?
Rimmer: Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
Lister: That is not true!
Rimmer: Yes, true! It's pathetic watching you grind away on your own, day after day after day. You're like a dog that's missing its master's leg! That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee. You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.
Lister: That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel. I don't just play the roleplay games. What about the sporting simulations like Zero-G kickboxing, and Wimbledon?
Rimmer: You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jailbait ball girl.
Lister: That is another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17.
Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels!

Death: We're gonna cut you up so small the worms won't even have to chew.
Rimmer: You can't frighten me, I'm a coward, I'm always scared!

Lister: Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit! We've lost our special skills!
Rimmer: Ah, Mr. War, sir. It would appear that due to circumstances completely beyond my control, there's been a bit of a cock-up in the bravado department.
[War hits him hard on the head with a thick wooden rail]
Rimmer: I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I am.
[War hits him again]

Rimmer: [entering the saloon with Lister and the Cat] I've seen Westerns. I know how to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.
[he walks up to the bar]
Rimmer: Dry white wine and Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?
Lister: Rimmer, what westerns have you seen? Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid?

Rimmer: It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.
Cat: How?
Rimmer: Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again! Keys?
Lister: Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
Rimmer: Why not?
Lister: It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.
[mimes escape pod shooting off into space]
Lister: Whoosh!

Cat: [about Kryten] Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around that some place can do that? And if not...
[smacks table]
Cat: WHY not?
Rimmer: Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.
Lister: No, no, no.
[ponders for a moment]
Lister: I think he's got something.
Cat: Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!

Rimmer: Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.
Kryten: It's rogue simulants all right.
Rimmer: Recommend immediate total and unequivocal surrender.
Kryten: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.
Cat: [looking at Lister] Didn't even know they'd met him!

Kryten: Wait, something's coming back now...
[to Lister]
Kryten: You, sir... whenever I look at you, I get an image of curry and early morning breath that could cut through bank vaults.
[to Rimmer]
Kryten: And you, sir, there's something familiar about you too, I get a name... Smee. Smeeee-heeeee!
Rimmer: Smeg head?
Kryten: That's it.
Rimmer: He remembers me!

Simulant Captain: [on screen] State your species and purpose.
Rimmer: One of us will have to speak to them. Who's the least human looking? Listy, the mike's all yours.

[they wake up in the cockpit]
Rimmer: How long have we been out?
Lister: According to the navicom, three weeks!
Kryten: That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.
Rimmer: And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.
Lister: They've totally upgraded the whole ship.
Cat: They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

Cat: We don't run, we strike! It's the last thing they'll be expecting.
Rimmer: No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense.

Kryten: Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself, analyse its structure and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program. Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?
Rimmer: Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted!

Rimmer: [after swiftly fighting off a bunch of men using his in-game special skill] Marvellous!

Rimmer: OK, long range scanners are down, the only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.
Cat: OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.

Kryten: Miss Lola, all my valuables are in this here box. You can have it all for one bottle of mind rotter.
Lola: [taking a pair of pistols out of the box] You're trading in your shooting irons?
Kryten: No use to me. I got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of porcupines on their wedding night.
Lola: Carrots?
Kryten: I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.
Rimmer: Mr. Sad Git or what?

"Red Dwarf: Rimmerworld (#6.5)" (1993)
Rimmer: Dear lord, what has created such foulness? Is it the product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil?

Rimmer: Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.

Rimmer: I'm a competitive man, Kryten. Always have been. That's what makes me what I am.
Kryten: We're all perfectly well aware of what you are, sir.

The Cat: There's an old cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones."
Rimmer: There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain."

Rimmer: In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 196156.
Kryten: 196156? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm. I'm sorry, sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me.

[Kryten has given Rimmer a set of Chinese worry balls to help him cope with his stress-related nerve disorder]
Kryten: Please, sir, don't panic.
Rimmer: It's not panic, it's a full blown hysterical fit.
Kryten: Grind those balls, sir. Grind them!

Rimmer: [on facing imminent destruction of Starbug] There's less choice than a Welsh fish and chip shop.

Rimmer: So let me get this straight. If we board that ship and we get captured, we're finished. However, if we board that ship, don't get captured but the superstructure disintegrates around us, we are finished. On the other hand, if we board that ship, don't get captured, and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished.

Kryten: Rogue Simulants always carry large stocks of food supply in order to prolong the torment of their torture victims. In some cases, they've kept subjects alive for 40 years in a state of perpetual agony.
Rimmer: If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar.

Lister: [Lister, Kryten and the Cat are surrounded by a group of bad Rimmers in "Rimmerworld"] This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but... I can't bring myself round to say it.
Rimmer: Say what?
Lister: Take us to your leader.
Kryten: Sir, how could you?

Rimmer: Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take them out and kill them. And when you've killed them burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate with a glass of chilled sancerre.
The Cat: This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes.

Dave Lister: [Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids] How many survived?
Arnold Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, round about: none of them.
Dave Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Arnold Rimmer: You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Dave Lister: No it isn't pal, you're still here!

Kryten: [Kryten talks to Rimmer about how long it's going to take the Starbug crew to rescue him from the planet on the other side of the wormhole] Remember that medieval war, sir, that lasted a long time?
Rimmer: The 30 years war?
Kryten: No, that war, sir. The other war.
Rimmer: The 100 years war?
Kryten: Now take that figure and multiply it by 6 and then you'll come up with your golden number, sir.
Rimmer: 600 years!
The Cat: Pinch me!

"Red Dwarf: Balance of Power (#1.3)" (1988)
Rimmer: Is that picture yours? It's rubbish.
Lister: It's a mirror.

Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey. Where did you get them? I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

Rimmer: Holly, as senior rank aboard this ship I order you to tell me where Lister is.
Holly: I've told you, I can't.
Rimmer: Holly, that's an order. You stupid, ugly goit.
Holly: Ugly? I'll have you know I chose this face from the billions available because it happened to be the face of the greatest and most prolific lover who ever lived.
[sticks his tongue out at Rimmer]
Rimmer: Really? Well he must have operated in the dark a lot.

Rimmer: You always become the thing you hate the most. Look at you, Lister: obnoxious, ruthless, single-minded, insensitive: you're more like me than I am.

Lister: Rimmer, do you, ah, do you remember Kristine Kochanski?
Rimmer: Navigation officer? Yes, I remember her. Snooty cow. She used to look down on me. She used to call me "Rimmer."
Lister: Everybody called you "Rimmer."
Rimmer: Well, it's the way she said it, though. Rimmer. Rimmer. To rhyme with "scum."

[Rimmer comes to the table and salutes. Everyone at the table mocks it back]
Rimmer: Ha ha ha ha. Lister, where's my revision timetable?
Chen: Sir, it's Saturday night!
Lister: Come on, no one works Saturday night.
Rimmer: You don't work *any* night. You don't work any *day*.
Lister: 'Skive hard, play hard,' that's our motto!
Rimmer: Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday; I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable?
Lister: Wait, is this the thing in a- in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self-testin' times?
Rimmer: It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night.
Lister: Hang on, this the thing with a note on it, in red, said, "Vital, valuable, urgent! Do not touch on pain of death!"?
Rimmer: Yes!
Lister: I threw it away.
[laughter around the table]
Rimmer: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, tee-hee. Where is it?
Lister: Nah, I didn't. I pinned it up on the wall.
Rimmer: What? Why?
Lister: To dry it out!
Rimmer: What do you mean, "dry it out"?
Lister: Well I spilt a goat vindaloo on it. Don't worry, it's a little bit red, but you can read most of it, especially if you scrape the lumps off.
[more laughter at the table]
Rimmer: You spoilt my...! No, I haven't got time, I'm taking learning drugs and all I'm memorizing is this conversation.
Olaf Petersen: They're illegal!
Selby: Oohhhh!
Rimmer: [trance-like] "Where's my revision timetable, Lister?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work any night. You don't work any day." "'Skive hard play hard' that's our motto." "Lister where'd you put my revision timetable?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work any... "

Rimmer: We're mates! We're pals!
Lister: When?
Rimmer: Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle. That's Rimsy and Listy!
Lister: When?
Rimmer: Millions of times.
Lister: When?
Rimmer: Ah... ah... how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?
Lister: My back was broken in three places.
Rimmer: Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like trains!
Lister: *You* laughed. I spent six weeks in crutches.

Rimmer: 140,000 rehydratedable chickens.
Lister: Check.
Rimmer: 72 tons of reconstitutable sausage pate.
Lister: Check.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I've had enough.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I wanna boogie on down.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: We've been doing this for four hours. Let's have a break.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, will you stop saying 4,681 eradiated haggis and speak to me?
Rimmer: [pause] 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, I want to go for a drink!
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, I wanna have some fun!
Rimmer: This is fun! Are you mad?

Rimmer: I'm just saying, Lister, that at times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship that we'd nurtured like a small flower, petal by petal, and watch blossom and bloom into something rare and special.
Lister: OK, give me Kochanski.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dishwasher breath!

Rimmer: [to Lister] You seriously believe a piece of fungus like you has got the stuff to become an officer? You've got the brains of diarrhoea and the breathing of a maggot.

Rimmer: Why don't you listen to something really classical, like Mozart, Mendelssohn or Motorhead?

[Lister collects his exam grade slip and walks down the corridor]
Rimmer: How did you do, Lister?
Lister: That's how did you do, Mr Lister *SIR*!
[Jumps up in the air, picture freezes in mid jump and cuts to end credits]

"Red Dwarf: Kryten (#2.1)" (1988)
Rimmer: Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston, laushajne estas rano en mia bideo." I think we all know what that means.
Holly: Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."

Rimmer: Oh and how many books have you read in your entire life? The same as Champion the Wonder Horse. Zero.
Lister: I've read books.
Rimmer: Er, we're not talking books where the main character is a dog called Ben.

Lister: I went to art college.
Rimmer: You.
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: How did you get into art college?
Lister: The normal way you get into art college. The same old usual, boring, normal way you get in. Failed my exams and applied. They snapped me up.

[Lister tries to convince Kryten he doesn't have to serve anyone anymore]
Kryten: That's easy for you to say, Mr David, you're a human.
Rimmer: Only just.

Lister: Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.
Rimmer: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, ALIENS used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.

[after seeing the three female officers in distress]
Rimmer: Tell them we're coming aboard. By God. We'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer.
Kryten: Thank you, Captain.
[Communication ends]
Lister: 'Space Adventurer'?
Rimmer: What am I supposed to say? 'Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine. Actually we know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads.' That'll fill them with confidence, won't it?

Rimmer: It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good.
Lister: Like when?
Rimmer: Remember those 2 little brunettes from Supplies? I told them I worked in Stores and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there.
Lister: And I said you were a shelf.
Rimmer: Exactly. And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo, and you said, 'Ooh, he's taking you home to meet his Mum already.'
Lister: So? They laughed.
Rimmer: Yes, at me. At my expense.

[Rimmer, Lister and the Cat have discovered that the female officers are dead, and have been for 3 million years]
Lister: Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or the place to say this, but my mate Ace here is incredibly, incredibly brave.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dogfood face.
Lister: And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends.
Rimmer: I'm warning you, Lister.

Kryten: Is anything the matter?
Rimmer: Anything the matter? They're dead.
Kryten: Who is dead?
Rimmer: *They*
[indicating the "surviving" officers of Kryten's ship]
Rimmer: are dead. They're all dead.
Kryten: My God! I was only away two minutes!
Rimmer: They've been dead for centuries!
Kryten: No.
Rimmer: Yes!
Kryten: You a doctor?
Rimmer: You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget.

Rimmer: You are rebelling?
Kryten: Yes.
Rimmer: What are you rebelling against?
Kryten: [Impersonating Marlon Brando] Whaddya Got? Dinosaur breath. Molecule mind. Smeg-for-brains.

Lister: Drop dead!
Rimmer: Already have.
Lister: Encore!

"Red Dwarf: Waiting for God (#1.4)" (1988)
[last lines]
Rimmer: Incredible. A stupendous moment in my personal history. The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior.
Lister: Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
Rimmer: They must have looked something like... a roast chicken.
[end credits begin to roll, then freeze after a few seconds]
Rimmer: [voice over] It's a garbage pod!
[credits resume, and freeze again after a few seconds]
Rimmer: [voice over] IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!

Rimmer: After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon.
Holly: Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation.

Lister: Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts!
Rimmer: Imagine making love to a woman!

Holly: [reading Rimmer's confidential report] Arnold Rimmer: Technician 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: There's a saying amongst the officers, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer". He aches for responsibility, but constantly fails the engineering exam.
Rimmer: Wait, Holly. I want *my* report. RIMMER. That's two m's e-r.
Holly: Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.
Rimmer: No, Holly. I want my report. RIMMER. That's 2 R's. One at the front, one at the back.
Holly: Arnold, this is your report.

Rimmer: Constantly fails the exam? I'd hardly call 11 times constantly.

[after Lister explains that cat books use smells]
Rimmer: You ought to try reading you shirt sometime, Lister. It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.

[Rimmer's excited about his 'alien' discovery]
Rimmer: Lister are you awake? Lister?
[right up to his face]
Rimmer: LISTER.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: Are you awake?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Hmm, I couldn't sleep either.

Rimmer: You've got no right to go through my wardrobe.
Lister: Ok, ok.
[Starts laughing]
Lister: You keep your underpants on coat hangers, don't you?

Lister: Never mind this, tot. Where's the Cat?
Rimmer: Tot?
Lister: Tot.
Rimmer: Tot?
Lister: Tot.
Rimmer: Tot?
Lister: Tot!
Lister: Tot!
Rimmer: TOT?
Lister: TOT!

Rimmer: [Rimmer interrupts the closing credits] It's a garbage pod... IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!

Rimmer: [the original ending] It must had looked something like... a roast chicken.
[Rimmer thinks about what he had just said]
Rimmer: It's the bloody garbage pod. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME LISTER? IT'S THE FUCKING GARBAGE POD!
[Lister smirks and puts the roast chicken back in the garbage pod]

"Red Dwarf: Cassandra (#8.4)" (1999)
Rimmer: We, um, should be making tracks.
Cassandra: I'm afraid that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given way and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All of the canaries will be dead within one hour except for Rimmer...
Rimmer: [ecstatic] *Yes*!
Cassandra: ...who will be dead in twenty minutes.

Rimmer: The Canaries. You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army-Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers. They haven't got an X-chromosome to share between them.

Rimmer: What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends. I had everything, and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.
Lister: What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
Rimmer: You're right. I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy.

Lister: It's only two years. But with good behaviour, it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you're born, and then you're eighteen months? The time just flashed past.
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be whingeing.

Rimmer: Cassandra, I have a question.
Cassandra: I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
Rimmer: So what's the answer?
Cassandra: He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
Lister: What was the question?
Rimmer: I just asked how you died.
Lister: You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra?
The Cat: 181? Probably your own.
Lister: Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go.
Kryten: So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.

Kochanski: [in shock after finding out Rimmer is going to sleep with her] I can't believe what you're telling me!
Rimmer: [happily] I can scarcely believe it myself! I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive. I never thought you'd look at me twice!
Kochanski: [still in shock] Neither did I!
Rimmer: But apparently, we're gonna make love! Unbe-smegging-lievable or what?

Rimmer: Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie.
Lister: OK, Cassandra. Do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived?
The Cat: Do I ever find my singing tiepin?

Rimmer: [to Lister] So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the chances of change are remote. Well, I'm sorry. I don't accept it.

Rimmer: So, to summarise, six years of space adventuring; six years of physics and astro-navigation has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed.
Kryten: Mr. Rimmer does have a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making him pessimistic, therefore making his mind and his dough-like naïvete come up with a possible solution.
Lister: Shut your stupid flat head, you!

Rimmer: So what happens now? How...
Rimmer: how do I die?
Cassandra: Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
Rimmer: [Slowly becomes stunned] Can you just double-check that?
Cassandra: I've seen it. It's what happens in the old laundry room.
Rimmer: So let me repeat what I think you're saying. Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her are in bed giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love to Kochanski.
Cassandra: That is what's going to happen.

"Red Dwarf: Dimension Jump (#4.5)" (1991)
Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Rimmer: [to Ace and Lister] Oh yes, now you're gonna have a bath together and play spot the submarine.

Ace Rimmer: I'm gonna scrub up.
Rimmer: I'm gonna throw up.

Rimmer: I don't know what it is about me. All my life, it's been the same old story. It's not easy you know to come in every night, look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.
The Cat: How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day.

Mellie: What are you doing lunch time?
Ace Rimmer: Not sure, why?
Mellie: Because if you;re interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
Ace Rimmer: I'm sorry Mellie, I don't fraternize with the staff.
Mellie: I resign.
Ace Rimmer: I'll be there at 1300.

The Cat: [Lister, Cat and Kryten try to hide the fact they're going on a fishing holiday from Rimmer] What's he talking about?
Dave Lister: I don't know. For some reason, he's got this crazy, whacked-out idea that we're going on a fishing holiday.
The Cat: Fishing holiday?
Rimmer: [Reads letter from the boys] Dear Rimmer, we're going on a fishing holiday to that ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you, but couldn't. See you in three days, L, K and C.

Rimmer: I don't believe anybody would want to go on a fishing holiday when they know there's no fish.
Dave Lister: We used to do it all the time back home. Used to go down the canal. Never any fish in that. We used to go condom fishing. I swear, one time I caught this 2lb black ribbed knobbler. It was about that big!

Rimmer: Why didn't you just say: "Dear Rimmer, we're going on a fishing holiday and we don't want you to come"?
The Cat: See, that's what I said we should say!

Rimmer: You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?
Dave Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.

Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

"Red Dwarf: Future Echoes (#1.2)" (1988)
Rimmer: Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: I did warn you to brace yourself.
Lister: You didn't give me much of a chance.
Rimmer: I gave you ample bracing time.
Lister: No you didn't. You didn't even pause.
Rimmer: Well, I'm sorry. *I've* just had a rather nasty experience. *I* have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way.
Lister: Yeah. *Me*.

[Lister is preparing to go into stasis. Rimmer isn't happy about it]
Lister: Holly's supposed to have told you. I thought you wouldn't mind.
Rimmer: Mind? Mind? Why should I mind? 300,000 millennia alone while you're in suspended animation? I'll be fine. I'll do that crossword puzzle book, that should kill a couple of centuries.
Lister: Holly 'll switch you off until you come back out.
Rimmer: Even better. Switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.

Rimmer: As my father always said, "Shiny clean boots and a spanking short haircut, and you can cope with anything." He said that just before that rather unfortunate suicide business.

Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick?
Lister: It depends who was better qualified.

Rimmer: Black Border begins, to Dave Lister, condolences on your passing away. What's that poem? Now, weary traveler, rest your head, for just like me you are utterly dead.

[Rimmer has just noticed the woman's hair-do given to him after he insulted Holly]
Rimmer: Holly! Holly!
[a static image of Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: This is a recording. I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment, but if you would like to leave a message after the bleep, he will get back to you. Bleep.

[Rimmer still hasn't seen the beehive hairdo Holly gave him]
Rimmer: This haircut was designed for action, not ponceing around in! Maybe a bit too severe, a bit too Green Beret. But you are how you look. And I look...
[sees the hairdo in the mirror]
Rimmer: Like a complete and total tit!

[Holly has given Rimmer a beehive hairdo in revenge for an insult]
Rimmer: You are how I look, and I look
[sees himself in the mirror]
Rimmer: like a complete and total tit.

Arnold Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that.

"Red Dwarf: Quarantine (#5.4)" (1992)
Rimmer: They've been very bad, Mr. Flibble. What we going to do with them?
Rimmer: [Mr.Flibble whispers something in Rimmers ear and he looks at the crew, shocked] We couldn't possibly do that. Who'd clean up the mess?

Rimmer: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
Lister: OK. We've passed the test now, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for ten years.
The Cat: Can we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
The Cat: The king.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah. A little three-seater.

[Rimmer has been infected by a Holovirus that is driving him insane]
Rimmer: I was just doing a little test... a little test to see if you'd all gone crazy...
[Rimmer bellows loudly and crazily]
Rimmer: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.

Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom: I have a riddle for you. What's dead and dead and dead all over?
Rimmer: Give in, Doctor Fruit Loop. Do tell.
Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom: Yooooooooouuuuuuu!
[Intercom blows up]
Rimmer: Well, we know what to get you for Christmas. A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.

Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think there's nothing amiss?

[Rimmer has sealed the rest of the crew in quarantine for 3 months and is taking great delight in psychologically torturing them by providing only minimal leisure facilities]
Rimmer: Now must dasherooni. I've got to go and prepare your daily musical entertainment. I think you'll like it. It's a perpetually looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats".

Rimmer: So let me get this straight. You wanna fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're all completely sane?

[Rimmer has put the guys in a small room for three months quarantine]
Kryten: What about entertainment? You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities. Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures.
Rimmer: [With great smugness] And in accordance with Space Corps directive 312, you'll find in the storage cupboard over there a chess set with thirty-one missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, "Wall-papering, Painting, and Stippling - a DIY guide".

Rimmer: Mr. Flibble's very cross!

"Red Dwarf: Legion (#6.2)" (1993)
Rimmer: May I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124? "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero-gravity"?

Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: There's always some excuse, isn't there?

Kryten: Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologize in advance.
Rimmer: Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.
Lister: Kryten, sit down. I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.

Rimmer: 10 o'clock changeover. Anything to report?
Kryten: We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir. Almost 24 hours behind now. Other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift. Except for one small shock a couple of hours ago, when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow. Thankfully, it turned out to be Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed onto the radar screen.
Rimmer: How are we fuel wise?
Kryten: Unchanged for today, sir. However the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager.
Rimmer: We're OK for food though, aren't we?
Kryten: Confidentially sir, no. We've no meat, no pulses and hardly any grain. Worse than that, the only Liquorice Allsorts left are those little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply.
Rimmer: So what's in the grill?
Kryten: Space weevil.
[Kryten brings out the cooked weevil]
Rimmer: You can't serve space weevil, Kryten. I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining taste bud will knowingly sit down and eat insectiod vermin. Well, let's face it, with him it's practically cannibalism.
Kryten: But it's incredibly nutritious, sir. I mean, after all, it is corn fed.

Rimmer: Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh.

Rimmer: You have a connoisseur chip?
Kryten: Just because I look like Herman Munster's stuntman doesn't mean to say I can't appreciate art.

Kryten: Was your room like everyone else's? Perfect in every detail?
Rimmer: Impeccable! Right down to the overstarched pyjamas and nocturnal boxing gloves. What about you?
Kryten: Filthy walls, mud streaked floors, mop and bucket -I was in hog's heaven, Sir!

Rimmer: [pretending to be interested in art to impress Legion] Now, this 3-demensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines. Pray, what do you call it?
Legion: The light switch.
Rimmer: The light switch?
Legion: Yes.
Rimmer: I couldn't buy it, then?
Legion: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.

Kryten: But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.
Legion: Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.
[Legion stabs himself in the hand. The others all feel pain in their hands]
Legion: The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...
[he points it at his groin]
Legion: Here.
Kryten: Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
Rimmer, Lister, The Cat: Yes, it does!

"Red Dwarf: Justice (#4.3)" (1991)
Kryten: I ask the court one key question: Would the Space Core ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and small minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice Computer voice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice Computer voice: Overruled.
Kryten: incompetent vending machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot.
Justice Computer voice: If you object to your own counsel once more Mr. Rimmer, you will be in contempt.
Kryten: Who would allow this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment. The defence rests.

Rimmer: What are you waiting for? Gloop him.
Lister: I can't. He's not armed.
Rimmer: Lister, this is not a scout meeting. We are not trying to win Best Behaved Troop Flag. Gloop him.
Lister: What? In the back?
Rimmer: Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.
Lister: You mean you can happily kill him if he was asleep?
Rimmer: I can happily kill him if he was on the job.

Rimmer: Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?

Lister: Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...
Kryten: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.
Lister: I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.
Rimmer: You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?
Lister: Stole the entire room.
Rimmer: Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!

Rimmer: But I never got so much as a library book late! Second-degree murder? A 1,000 people? I would have remembered!
Justice Computer voice: Your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, the Red Dwarf.
Rimmer: Oh, that!

Lister: [Visiting Rimmer in jail] Hi, killer.
Rimmer: 9,000 years? Nine?
Lister: I brought you a book.
Rimmer: [Sarcastically] Oh, thanks! That'll really help the centuries fly past!

Rimmer: You're going to prove that I'm innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
The Cat: Man, there ain't a jury in the land who wouldn't buy a plea like that!
Kryten: No, not a half-wit, exactly. More a buffoon.

Kryten: I ask the court, look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions. This sad man. This pathetic man. This joke of a man.
Rimmer: Kryten, you're going over the top. The court will never buy it.
Kryten: Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork!
Rimmer: [Grimaces, then agrees] Understood.

"Red Dwarf: The Last Day (#3.6)" (1989)
Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

[everyone is drunk]
Lister: What are you saying, Rimmer?
Rimmer: I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
Lister: Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.
Rimmer: How many toes have you got?
Lister: Ten.
The Cat: Yeah, on both feet.
Lister: Altogether.
Kryten: They're not webbed or anything are they?
Lister: Look, they weren't related, all right?
[Kryten falls off his chair]

Kryten: Mum. I never had a mum.
The Cat: It's all right, buddy. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're going through the melancholy stage.
Kryten: I wish I had a mum.
Holly: I never had a mum, neither.
Rimmer: Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

Lister: No offense, Rimmer, but that is completely wacko-jacko.
Rimmer: Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister. I never agreed with my parents' religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.
Lister: What were they?
Rimmer: Seventh Day Advent Hop-ists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare - we all had to wear sou'westers and asbestos underpants. You see, they took the Bible literally - Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, took it word for word. Unfortunately, their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13: "Faith, Hop and Charity, and the greatest of these is Hop."

[the crew are throwing a farewell party for Kryten]
Rimmer: Enough of all this chitter-chatter, let the banquet begin!
Kryten: But I don't eat.
Holly: I've knocked up a special mechanoid menu for you.
[Rimmer hands Kryton a menu]
Kryten: There's so much to choose from!
Rimmer: Sir, may I recommend the Barium Hydrochloride Salad Nicoise followed by the Helium-3 Isotopes de la Maison, and then perhaps a small Radioactive Fruit Salad for pudding.

Rimmer: [talking about Kryton's final 24 hours] At least he gets 24 hours notice. All the notice most of us get is "Mind that bus. What bus? Splat!"

Kryten: [waking up after a night of partying] Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!
[others groan and start to wake]
Kryten: Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
The Cat: Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

Lister: The point is what are we going to do about Kryten?
Rimmer: What can we do? He's pre-preprogrammed to self-destruct.
Lister: We can make sure he goes out with a bang, give him one last big smegging night to remember!
Rimmer: How do we do that? He doesn't like doing anything. His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room and fold some sheets.
[Impersonating Kryten]
Rimmer: "Fun? Ah, yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way."
Lister: Hey, I don't know much. But what I do know is how to throw a good time.

"Red Dwarf: Queeg (#2.5)" (1988)
Rimmer: Look, Lister, no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, he's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away. And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him.

Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.

Rimmer: Was there any damage?
Holly: I don't know. The damage report machine has been damaged.

Lister: Well, how come Holly knows all the answers to science and space and all that when we ask him?
Queeg: He consults a book.
Holly: What a slimeball!
Queeg: He gets all his answers on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single reference book.
Rimmer: What's the book?
Queeg: The Junior Encyclopedia of Space. It's the only one he can find which has pictures.

Holly: We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. That's right. I am Queeg.
Lister, The Cat, Rimmer: What?
Holly: Queeg never existed. It was me all along.
Lister, The Cat, Rimmer: *What?*
Holly: Wheeze of the week, mate.
The Cat: It was a joke?
Holly: Going round in circles for 14 months. Getting my information from the Junior Color Encyclopedia of Space. The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?
Lister: So you mean you staged the whole thing?
Holly: [in Queeg's voice] That's right, suckers.
[in his voice]
Holly: And the moral of the story is, "Appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic.

Holly: What's happening, dudes?
Lister: Bog all.
Holly: Wait a minute. I've forgotten what I was gonna say.
Rimmer: Well, it can't have been that important then, can it?
[the ship is hit by a meteor, forcing the crew onto the floor]
Holly: Yeah. That's it."Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship". I knew it'd come back to me.
The Cat: Thanks for the warning.

Rimmer: You are a total, total... a word is yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that.
Holly: All right, keep your hair on.
Rimmer: I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge.

Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, like, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, you know.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Rimmer: Really?
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, like, and that the shoes were happy and that they'd gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.
Rimmer: Ah, what a sad, sad story. Wait a minute.
[Thinks for a minute]
Rimmer: How did they open the car door?

"Red Dwarf: Better Than Life (#2.2)" (1988)
[a letter arrives]
Lister: "Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer"
Rimmer: That's from my mother.
Lister: Rear Admiral.
Rimmer: Every time I take an exam I tell her I've passed, it's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.

[Rimmer owes the Outland Revenue G¸8,500]
Lister: Relax. It doesn't matter now, they're not gonna catch you now are they?
Rimmer: What do you mean? Just 'cause we're three million years into deep space and the human race is extinct. It means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

[Rimmer has tried to cook for the crew]
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese. And that lemon meringue pie, man. What was in that?
Rimmer: You liked it, didn't you? You brought some of it back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's foot.

[on why he hated his Dad]
Rimmer: He always wanted to join the Space Corps, be an officer, but they wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height. 1 inch. I had 3 brothers. When we were young he bought a traction machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank was 11, he was 6ft 5. Every morning, he'd measure us. If we hadn't grown, back on the rack.

Holly: What's happening, dudes?
Lister: Hi, Hol.
Holly: Guess what?
Rimmer: What?
Holly: Go on. Have a guess.
Rimmer: What is it vaguely about?
Holly: No clues. Just have a guess.
[Lister and Rimmer look puzzled]
Holly: I knew you wouldn't get it. The Post Pod's arrived.
Rimmer: What? The mail?
Holly: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round, it's caught up.
Lister: Do you mean it's taken three million years?
Holly: Yeah. Just about average for second class post.

Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... You're a total smeghead!
Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy?
The Cat: [leans into frame, grinning] No, it's MINE!

Lister: [reading Rimmer's letter from his Mum] 'Dear Rimmer... '
Lister: Is this from your Mum?
Rimmer: That's Mumsie.

Rimmer: [about his father] He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times, he'd ask us questions on astro-navigation. If we got them wrong, no food.
Lister: God, Rimmer. How did you cope with that?
Rimmer: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.

"Red Dwarf: Confidence & Paranoia (#1.5)" (1988)
Lister: Love is what makes us different from animals.
Rimmer: No, Lister, what makes us different from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.

Rimmer: [On Confidence and Paranoia] These two are symptoms of your disease. They're like the spots in measles, the swellings in mumps, the funny walk in cystitis.

Rimmer: Holly, put a trace on Paranoia.
Holly: What's a trace?
Rimmer: It's space jargon. It means find him.
Holly: No, it doesn't. You just made it up to be cool.

Rimmer: Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.

Rimmer: [to Lister] You're awake.
The Cat: Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.
Rimmer: [to Lister] How do you feel?
The Cat: Fine. Just don't ask me any more questions. I'm trying to sleep!
Rimmer: Shut up you stupid moggy and out of that bed!
The Cat: [Getting out of bed] Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, I'm gonna take my presents back!
[the Cat grabs the bag from Lister and heads for the door]
Rimmer: [to Lister] How do you feel?
The Cat: [walking out of the room] Hurt!

Rimmer: [on Lister and Confidence] I don't believe it, he's socializing with a figment of his imagination.
Paranoia: Yes.

Paranoia: [seated] Do you know he used to practice kissing on his own?
Rimmer: How?
Paranoia: [demonstrating] He made lips out of one hand and waggled his thumb through the gap, like a tongue.
Rimmer: That is priceless! It really is.
Paranoia: Seventeen years old and he used to snog his own hand.
[a scutter rolls in a door behind Paranoia, holding a syringe]
Paranoia: [now standing, uncomfortably close to Rimmer] Once, in front of the whole school, he called his gym teacher "Daddy". I could've *died* with embarrassment.
Rimmer: [motioning to the scutter] Oh, what a silly thing to call a gym master.
Paranoia: I'm *racked* with guilt. I *hate* him.
Rimmer: Well, if you hate him, why do you talk about him so much?
Paranoia: Because he makes my life one big, humiliating, cringe-making, guilt-ridden *hell*!
Rimmer: [shouting to the scutter] Now! Stab him! Stab him! Stab him! Quick! Stab him!
[Paranoia turns to look at the scutter... which has hardly moved]
Rimmer: Uh, you haven't met Stabem, have you? He's one of our scutters. Stabem, meet Lister's paranoia; Lister's paranoia, this is Stabem.
[the scutter drops the syringe and tries to shake hands with Paranoia]

Rimmer: [in front of the mirror] "Necrobics", hologrammatic exercises for the dead.

"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part One) (#9.1)" (2009)
[Lister reveals he is eating tomatoes to save water]
Rimmer: How does eating tomatoes save water?
Lister: It's coming!
[Sneezes through a sieve onto his trousers]
Lister: Don't suppose you want any iorning doing, do you?

[Rimmer realises Lister is winding him up]
Rimmer: Was it really worth it, Listy? Hours and hours and hours of planning for 8 seconds of pleasure?
Lister: Sounds like the last time you had sex!
Rimmer: Lister
[picks up his text book]
Rimmer: you need to get a life!

[Cat has described what happened on G deck]
Cat: I need counselling!
Rimmer: You got that right!

Lister: This thingy whatever it is - it's messing with the supply thingy pipe stuff thing, isn't it?
Rimmer: Please, we're laymen - spare us the plumbing jargon!

Rimmer: [Indicating Katerina] I hate her!
Lister: I like her. I like her a lot!

Rimmer: [On the trip to the water tank] In spirit, i'll be down there with you - in actuality, I'll be reading a car mag!

Rimmer: [Spotting that the others are in trouble] What would those clowns do without me?

"Red Dwarf: Emohawk: Polymorph II (#6.4)" (1993)
Ace Rimmer: Davey-boy. We were all set to save your bacon. There's no need for you to throw your love-spuds on the barbeque.

[talking about Cat, who has transformed into Duane Dibley]
Ace Rimmer: He's in a terrible state. He's looking so geeky, I don't think he could even get into a science-fiction convention.

Rimmer: You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.
Lister: [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech] I'm going back to bed.
Rimmer: Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
The Cat: I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.
Rimmer: Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.
Kryten: Oh, surely not, sir!
Rimmer: Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.
Kryten: Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

Computer: Property Corps Space removing and, equipment Corps Space damaging, ships Corps Space of series a looting with charged formally are you.
Kryten: The materialisation must have scrambled its voice unit. It's making as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.
Computer: Plead you do how?
Rimmer: It's in reverse. "How do you plead?"
The Cat: How do we plead to what?
Kryten: It's charging us with looting Space Corps derelicts.
Lister: But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need!
Rimmer: Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.
The Cat: What's the penalty for this? 'Cos if it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide!
Kryten: No, sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and halos on, sir. The penalty is execution.
Rimmer: Why so harsh?
Kryten: It's Frontier law sir, and we're the deep space equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way to restore order. So don't expect it to show us any mercy.
Rimmer: What do we do?
Kryten: Let's face it, sir. We're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll!
Lister: Yeah, but if we admit it, it'll blow us out of the stars.
Rimmer: Recommendations?
Kryten: Hmm, suggest I take the rap for all of you. You could say I held you hostage and forced you all to do my evil bidding.
Rimmer: For God's sake, Kryten! We can't let you do that!
Kryten: Really?
Rimmer: Dream on, metal trash! Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight!

Ace Rimmer: You ready, chum?
Duane Dibbley: Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart and... one triple thick condom. You never know.

Rimmer: That's it. I'm invoking Space Corps Directive 68250.
Kryten: 68250? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi.
Rimmer: Forget it. Forget I was ever born.
Kryten: But, sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm absolutely bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry might clear up the screen problem.

Rimmer: Damage report?
The Cat: It's bad, bud! Looks like Starbug's been hit!
Rimmer: Details, halibut breath!
The Cat: Well, according to the Damage Report Machine, there are several small fires in the cockpit, lots of smoke and the Navicomp's fizzing.
[the Damage Report Machine explodes]
The Cat: Oh, damn! Now the Damage Report Machine's exploded!

"Red Dwarf: Stoke Me a Clipper (#7.2)" (1997)
Ace Rimmer: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever!

Ace Rimmer: [during his daring rescue of the princess] Princess Bonjella, Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex.
Princess Beryl Bonjella: What a guy!

Lister: At the same time, you're talking about a man who in the first sign of danger runs to the back room and cowers underneath the scanning table.
Ace Rimmer: Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

Ace Rimmer: [after being shot in the chest by a Nazi soldier] This is my best top, dammit!

Ace Rimmer: [wrestling a crocodile] What I would give for a gun...
[crocodile belches in his face]
Ace Rimmer: ...and a bucket of Listerine!

[one of the soldiers has crashed his bike into a hut full of explosives]
Ace Rimmer: Bet he's a sour kraut!

Ace Rimmer: Hi, fellas! How are those kippers coming along?
[cut to Rimmer banging his head against the console]

"Red Dwarf: The End (#1.1)" (1988)
[first lines]
Lister: [singing loudly and out of tune during an inspection]
Rimmer: Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

Lister: I'm gonna get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.
Rimmer: ...With a sheep and a cow?
Lister: No, with horses and horses.

Lister: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.
Rimmer: Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.

[Rimmer is a hologram]
Rimmer: You've got to be my hands and my touch.
Lister: I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.

Lister: Rimmer, you are such a smeg head!
Rimmer: Do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeg head?
Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeg head!

Rimmer: Lister is that a cigarette your smoking?
Lister: No, it's a chicken.

Lister: What is death like?
Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a bunch of Germans.

"Red Dwarf: Demons & Angels (#5.5)" (1992)
Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat, this is not a daffodil.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.

Rimmer: Gentlemen, history beckons. You'll be famous. They'll build your statues. They'll even name towns after you. "Dorksville" springs instantly to mind.

Rimmer: Nice experiment, guys. What do you do for an encore? Neutron bomb juggling?

High Lister: Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine beauteous countenance?
High Rimmer: Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother.
Rimmer: What a bunch of losers!

Kryten: Sir, we were so worried. What happened?
Rimmer: We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was leading a valiant rearguard action.
The Cat: I found him shivering in a box.
Rimmer: It was tactical maneuver to outfox the enemy.
The Cat: As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine.

Low Rimmer: I'm going to thrash you to within an inch of your life. And then... I'm going to have you.

Kryten: These are our higher selves. These are people who we could've become if all our negative aspects from our characters had been removed.
Rimmer: You mean hippies?
Kryten: Sir! You thought Jesus was a hippy!
Rimmer: Well, he was! Long hair, he didn't have a job. What more do you want?

"Red Dwarf: Marooned (#3.2)" (1989)
Rimmer: I'll tell you something. Something I've never told anyone. When I was fifteen, I went to Macedonia on a school trip, to the site of Alexander The Great's palace. And for the first time in my whole life, I felt ... I felt I was home. This place was where I belonged. Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist - Donald - and told him about the Alexander the Great thing, and he said that he'd regress me back through my past lives. I was dubious, but I let him put me under. It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct. I had lived a past life in Macedonia. That palace was my home. Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

Rimmer: So, c'mon, how did you lose yours?
Lister: Michelle Fisher, the ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf course. Par 4, dobbing to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
Rimmer: You lost your virginity on a golf course. How'd you have the nerve?
Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was midnight.
Rimmer: How old were you?
Lister: She was so good looking. If she wanted, then she could've got a job working behind the perfume counter at Lewis'. That's how gorgeous she was.
Rimmer: How old were you?
Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
Rimmer: Skateboard. How old were you?
Lister: Twelve.
Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.

Rimmer: It's about leadership. That's what I admire.
Lister: It's ironic when deep down, you're such a basic natural coward.
Rimmer: Coward?
Lister: Planet leave, Miranda? That space-bar, the Hacienda? remember that? When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.
Rimmer: That was a bar-room brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic, drunken set-to.
Lister: Which YOU Started.
Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it.
Lister: To his face. RIGHT to his face, when he was with his four biggest mates. Then you did your Road Runner act and left me to face the music.

Lister: Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Lister: Everywhere I look, it reminds me of food. Look at these books: Charles LAMB, Herman WOK, The Complete Works of Sir Francis BACON, Eric Van Lusbader.
Rimmer: Eric Van Lusbader? What's he got to do with food?
Lister: VAN. MEAT van, BREAD van, Food.

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the color of space, your basic space color - is it's black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? How can you be ambushed by five black holes?
Holly: It's always the way. We've been in deep space for 3 million years and we haven't seen one. Then all of a sudden, five of them come along at once.

Rimmer: Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me.
Kryten: Where are we going?
Rimmer: We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.

"Red Dwarf: Thanks for the Memory (#2.3)" (1988)
Rimmer: I'm disciplined, I'm organized, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that?

[Rimmer is drunk]
Lister: What time is it?
Rimmer: [Crawls over to the alarm clock] Saturday.
Lister: Is that the best you can do?
Rimmer: There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything.

[Rimmer is drunk]
Rimmer: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with...
Lister: With chili sauce and chutney.
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie.
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. All right, okay.
[the sarnie appears in Rimmer's hand]
Lister: Trust me.
[several conflicting emotions cross Rimmer's face]
Rimmer: I think I'm having a baby.
Lister: It's good, innit?
Rimmer: It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe?
Lister: I can't remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

[Rimmer is drunk and determined to reveal how many times he's had sex]
Rimmer: Once.
Lister: Smeg.
Rimmer: One time only.
Lister: [Covers his ears] Don't tell me this Rimmer. You'll want to kill yourself in the mornin'.
Rimmer: Yvonne McGruder. A single brief liaison with the ships female boxing champion. March 16, 7.31p.m to 7.43p.m.
Lister: Please.
Rimmer: Twelve minutes.
Lister: Please.
Rimmer: And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
Lister: Please Rimmer.
Rimmer: In my entire life, I've spent more time being sick.

Rimmer: [very drunk] I can't understand it. I've had so much to drink and it hasn't even afflicted me.

Rimmer: [dramatically] Somehow we've lost the last four days.
The Cat: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there.
Rimmer: Aliens!
Lister: What?
The Cat: What are you talking about, grease stain?
Rimmer: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
Lister: OK, aliens came aboard.
Rimmer: Without question.
Lister: They broke my leg.
Rimmer: For some reason.
The Cat: They broke MY leg.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: And then they did a jigsaw.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: Well, that's cleared that up then.
Rimmer: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.
The Cat: By breaking legs?
Lister: And doing jigsaws?
Rimmer: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
Lister: OK, professor, what does it mean?
Rimmer: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice - twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to you."
The Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
[Cat limps away]

Rimmer: So, a surfboard-foot-sized monster came aboard, did a jigsaw, drained our memories and broke a couple of legs, so what? Forgive and forget, that's what I say!

"Red Dwarf: Psirens (#6.1)" (1993)
The Cat: There's an old cat proverb that goes, "It's better to live one hour as a tiger than an entire lifetime as a worm."
Rimmer: There's an old human proverb - "Whoever heard of a worm-skin rug?"

Rimmer: As we are all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf. This is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination. The time for that is when we get back to Earth and Lister is court-martialled.
Lister: I didn't *lose* it.
Rimmer: Come on, Lister. You're the one who parked it. You're the one who can't remember which planetoid you left it around.
Lister: They're all the same, those blue and green planetoids. Blue, green and planetoidy!

Rimmer: Kryten, you're forgetting about Space Corps Directive 1742!
Kryten: 1742? "No member of the Corps should ever report for duty in a ginger toupee." Well, thank you for reminding me about that regulation but I can't see how it is pertinent to our present situation.
Rimmer: 1743, then!
Kryten: Oh, I see. "No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors."
Rimmer: Yes! God, he's pedantic!

Rimmer: Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. "Psirens."
Kryten: The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: Who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
The Cat: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. It probably just... plopped out.

Kryten: [an illusionary fireball is approaching Starbug] That fireball does not exist.
Rimmer: Say you're wrong?
Kryten: I'll stake my reputation on it.
Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
Kryten: No, but I'm hoping to acquire one after this escapade.

Kryten: [to Lister] Waste disposal unit armed and ready, sir.
Rimmer: Kryten, will this work?
Kryten: [to himself] Lie mode.
[to Rimmer]
Kryten: Of course it'll work, sir! No worries!

"Red Dwarf: White Hole (#4.4)" (1991)
Rimmer: Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea. They knew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled. Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.
Kryten: And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people?
Rimmer: Absolutely. That's why there's no Eskimo word for "Eastbourne."

Kryten: I beg you to reconsider, Sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. Remember Captain Oates: "I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time."
Rimmer: Yes, but the thing is, about Captain Oates; the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates; Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat. If that'd been me, I'd've stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.
Lister: You would too, wouldn't you?
Rimmer: History, Lister, is written by the winners. How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk? From the only surviving document: Scott's diary. And he's hardly likely to have written down, "February the First, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept, then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash." How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh? No, much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice," while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.

Kryten: Mr. Rimmer would be effectively... dead
The Cat: Hey, things are looking up already.
Rimmer: Forget it... whatever it is you're suggesting... forget it.
Kryten: But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only. With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating a lighting, I estimate that Lister and The Cat have approximately two months left, without your drain on the power they might last six. I'm sorry sir.
Rimmer: Sorry? Why are you sorry?
Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.
The Cat: Come on man you've gotta sacrific your life, I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrific your life for the good of the crew?
The Cat: No, I'd sacrific *your* life for the good of the crew.

Rimmer: Congratulations, Kryten, your vote has just killed everyone.

The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: [minus the hat] So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat, again] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
Lister: What time phenomena?
Kryten: Like just then, when time repeated itself.
The Cat: So, what is it?
[Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister stare at Cat]
The Cat: Only joking.

"Red Dwarf: Out of Time (#6.6)" (1993)
Future Rimmer: Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived of the opulence of luxury the Time Drive provides. Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky.
Kryten: But if you kill us, you'll cease to exist.
Future Rimmer: Better that than to be forced to live like you, like rats trapped together marooned in deep space.

Rimmer: Have we got any chance of winning?
Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.
Rimmer: Then I say fight!
Kryten: Mr Rimmer?
Rimmer: Better dead than smeg!
Lister: Yes! Cat?
The Cat: Better anything than sofa-sized butt!
Lister: Kryten?
Kryten: Better anything than that toupee!

Rimmer: Do you know what it is about Lister that makes me want to puke? That makes me want to jab his eyes with an ice-pick? Everything, that's what! Especially his simple-minded, gerbil-faced optimism! And the Cat; what an unbelievable git! And Kryten; if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'm going to attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like cajun catfish!

[Starbug has gone through a false reality pocket, making them believe Lister was a robot]
Rimmer: So we just crashed through an un-reality pocket?
Kryten: Which created a false reality, making us believe... Mr. Lister was... oh my.
The Cat: You mean he's not a...
Kryten: [quickly, embarrassed] No.

Kryten: [the original ending - The Starbug crew are celebrating their victory of the battle with their future selves] Chilled margaritas, sir! We have much to celebrate.
[Kryten pours the margaritas into their glasses]
Kryten: Mr. Rimmer destroyed the time drive. Deleted our future selves and saved us all.
Rimmer: Please, Kryten. It's something I'm not proud of.
Kryten: Further more. We've relocated Red Dwarf's vapor trail and we're barely 6 days behind. May I take this liberty in purposing a toast.
[the Starbug crew raise their glasses]
Kryten: To the present!
Lister: To the Present!
[the Starbug crew drink their margaritas. Lister spits his out. He has a foam mustache]
Lister: They aren't margaritas. That's urine recyc!
[Kryten looks sheepish. Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten all have foam mustaches]

"Red Dwarf: Parallel Universe (#2.6)" (1988)
Rimmer: You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing!
Arlene Rimmer: Why? How many have you got?

Lister: What are you? A man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard. The wonderful wizard of Oz.

Holly: You've got your basic dimensions right - length, breadth, depth and time. The Fifth Dimension has co-existing realities. Two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence.
Rimmer: Sounds like my parents in bed.

Lister: I don't know why I'm going through with this. It's just not possible.
Rimmer: Why isn't it possible, Listy? Male baboons have been giving birth. They were doing it as far back as the 20th century. Caesarian, naturally.
[imitates a baby been born through caesarian]
Rimmer: Still, Listy. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will look after you.
Lister: Skutters? I wouldn't let them open a can of beans.
The Cat: You're thinking negative. Think of all the glorious and wonderful possibilities about having children.
Lister: Like?
The Cat: Like when they grow up and leave home.
Rimmer: What color is it supposed to turn?
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Come on, you reds.

Rimmer: [Looking at the pregnancy testing kit] It's changing colour!
Lister: What colour?
Rimmer: It is! It's changing colour!
Lister: *What* colour?
Rimmer: I's blue for not pregnant, right?
Lister: Yes
Rimmer: Good news Listy, excellent news!
Lister: Oh, thank god!
Rimmer: I'm going to be an uncle!
[Cut to end credits]

"Red Dwarf: Pete: Part 1 (#8.6)" (1999)
Rimmer: Killcrazy's insane. He's always coming up with strange ideas. He reckons that if you go to the loo in a plane, it drops straight out. And that's why they don't let you go to the loo while the plane's still standing on the runway... for fear of skid starts.
Lister: He's probably right.
Rimmer: Course he isn't.
Lister: Why else wouldn't they let you go, then?
Rimmer: I don't know. They're probably helping you break up your journey. If they don't you go to the loo first off, you'll have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese.
Lister: No, Killcrazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap.
Rimmer: 'Cos of all the flushing planes?
Lister: Yeah. Well, think about it. You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out, you have to have a washable hat and leg it to your car.
Rimmer: It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap; 'cos of the noise.
Lister: The noise?
Rimmer: Yeah.
Lister: They're half a mile up. You'll never be able to hear people in the loo from that distance. Not unless you are like my Uncle Dan.

[about Baxter]
Rimmer: Look at him. The big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after him. He'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

Lister: Who are you? What's your name?
Birdman: [holding his sparrow] They call me Birdman.
Lister: Oh, aye? Why's that?
Rimmer: [sarcastically] Because he really likes instant custard! Why do you think?

Rimmer: Permission to snigger, sir.
Captain Frank Hollister: Permission - denied.
Rimmer: We might have to snigger anyway, sir.
[Lister and Rimmer snigger between themselves]

Birdman: [introduces his sparrow to Lister and Rimmer] This is Pete. He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is nine years old, so that makes him...
Rimmer: Nine?
Birdman: Nine, that's right! You've met him before, have you?

"Red Dwarf: Stasis Leak (#2.4)" (1988)
Rimmer: I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall he could hurl himself off of.

Rimmer: Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.

Rimmer: I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead.
Arnold Rimmer (alive): Will I really?
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Arnold Rimmer (alive): What do you suggest? Give up white bread? More roughage?

The Cat: [to Rimmer] What *is* it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
The Cat: [to Lister] What *is* it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
The Cat: [to Rimmer] What *is* it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the Universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
The Cat: [to Lister] What *is* it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
The Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Arnold Rimmer (alive): On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...
Captain Frank Hollister: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
Arnold Rimmer (alive): - the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Captain Frank Hollister: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Arnold Rimmer (alive): Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of _mushrooms_. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a voyage to trip-out city. To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Captain Frank Hollister: Lister, is this true?
Lister: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
Arnold Rimmer (alive): The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.

"Red Dwarf: Me² (#1.6)" (1988)
Lister: It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With.
Rimmer: What are you talking about?
Lister: I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."
Rimmer: Oh come on, we both got the same benefit.
Lister: Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep.

Rimmer: Everything you ever did, you did to pull me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my Mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know. I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Rimmer: Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my engineering finals I went swimming.
Lister: The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place.
Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Lister: That was a joke.
Rimmer: Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental Pile Surgery.

Lister: What about the time you tied my hair to the bed-post and then sounded the fire alarm?
Rimmer: Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it.
Lister: I nearly needed brain surgery.
Rimmer: What brains?

Rimmer: Lister, we don't have to take this anymore. We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.

Rimmer: [on his death video] If you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds.

"Red Dwarf: Timeslides (#3.5)" (1989)
Rimmer: I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.
Holly: Rescue him?
Rimmer: It's my duty - my duty as a complete and utter bastard.

Rimmer: Anything?
Holly: Got him.
Rimmer: And?
Holly: Tension Sheet, inventor of; Dave Lister, aged 17.
Rimmer: Damn.
Holly: And he died tragically in a plane crash aged 98.
Rimmer: 98?
Holly: Well, it was his own fault, apparently. He was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane.

Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit!

Dave Lister: Can you spare me the good mood, I just can't handle it right now.
Rimmer: What's wrong with you?
Dave Lister: I'm just sick of it, that's what. I'm just totally, totally sick of it.
Rimmer: Sick of what?
Dave Lister: I'm sick of you and your silly green suits! I'm sick of your stupid flared nostrils! I'm sick of the way you always smile when you're being insulted! I'm sick of Cat, I'm sick of Holly, I'm sick of you, I'm sick of me and as for Kryten, I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this ship, sick of this life, just sick of it.
Rimmer: [Rimmer takes a seat near Lister] You're unhappy, aren't you?

"Red Dwarf: Meltdown (#4.6)" (1991)
Rimmer: [to St Francis of Assisi] There's only two types from Assisi; steers and queers. Which are you, boy?

Lister: Rimmer, what's going on out there? Is that Mahatma Gandhi? What's he doing practising hand-to-hand combat with a nun?
Rimmer: That's not a nun, Listy. That's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa.

Rimmer: [Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids] There are always casualties in war. If there weren't it wouldn't be war; just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing and shoving.
Lister: How many survived?
Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, round about: none of them.
Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Rimmer: You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister: No it isn't pal, you're still here!

Kryten: Monsieur Jean-Paul Sartre, sir.
Rimmer: Who?
Kryten: He's a philosopher, sir. He's an existentialist.
Rimmer: Well, Sartre! We don't like existentialists around here. And we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo-necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of existence and the absurdity of the cosmos! Clear?

"Red Dwarf: Bodyswap (#3.4)" (1989)
[Rimmer is threatening to shoot himself in Lister's body]
Rimmer: Go ahead, punks. Make my day.

Rimmer: Look, I know it's a stupid idea and there's a high chance of you being a gibbering vegetable for the rest of your life, but if the rest of your life's only 30 seconds, what the hell?

Lister: [Rimmer & Lister are returned to their own bodies] How many cigars did you get through, Rimmer? Me lungs feel like they've been through a cheese grater!
Rimmer: Look, you've got your body back, leave me alone.
Lister: I only have a couple of rollies a day! It feels like you've smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest!
Rimmer: I had the odd one!
Lister: No respect that's what. You've shown my body no respect whatsoever, you've treated it like smeg!
[feeling his pecs]
Lister: Look, you've given me breasts. There's a distinct cleavage there! One week in my body and you've given me a bosom!

Arnold Rimmer: When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like, and still climb into your 26" waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age, 24-25, your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and without any warning at all you're suddenly a fat bastard

"Red Dwarf: Polymorph (#3.3)" (1989)
Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive that states quite clearly, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?

Rimmer: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? And I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters," or - and this is my personal preference - "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.

Rimmer: Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign.

Kryten: [Rimmer is watching some home movies, a woman is in shot] Who's that Mr Arnold, sir, an old girlfriend?
Rimmer: Hardly.
Kryten: Not really your type I suppose. Silly old trout like that.
Rimmer: She's my mother.
Kryten: [remorsefully] Oh god! I am so sorry, sir!
Rimmer: Just forget it.
Kryten: How can I forget it, sir? I compared your mother to a foolish aged blubbery fish! I said she was simple-minded scaly old piscine! I intimated that she was an ugly lungless marine animal with galloping senility! A putrid amphibious gill-breather with less brains than a mollusc!
Rimmer: Forget it!

"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 3 (#8.3)" (1999)
Rimmer: Thornton.
MP Thornton: No-one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.
Rimmer: Angus Thornton. Age 36. Middle name : Lionel. Inside leg measurement 29, neck size 16. Circumsised.
MP Thornton: How d'you know all this?!
Rimmer: Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to...
[Rimmer leans towards Thornton and whispers...]
Rimmer: ...the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.
MP Thornton: This is slanderous. Filthy, stinking, slanderous slime that you just made up! Who told you?
Rimmer: Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.

Kochanski: This is all your fault.
Rimmer: My fault?
Kochanski: You betrayed us over that confidential file scam.
Lister: ...stole the sexual magnetism virus.
Kryten: You lied to us.
Kochanski: And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag!
Rimmer: And that's bad?

Rimmer: Maybe you haven't noticed this, but we're gonna be spending the next two years in the Brig. Two years with the scum of the universe; hardened criminals; deranged droids. People so unbalanced and debauched they couldn't even get elected as President of the United States.

Rimmer: If only I hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.
Lister: You defended yourself.
Rimmer: Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.

"Red Dwarf: Samsara (#11.2)" (2016)
Rimmer: I've been rolling in smeg my whole damn life, Lister. Don't lecture me about smeg rolling.

Rimmer: I threw a two and a one seven times in a row. What are the odds of that?
[speaking of dice]
Kryten: Sixty-two million to one, sir - about the same odds as being killed by a tangerine.

Rimmer: I've never been beaten at Mynopoly, Lister. Undefeated since birth. In Space Scouts my gameplay was so legendary, they called me Minotaur.
Lister: Is that 'cause you were half a man, who was full of bull?

"Red Dwarf: Camille (#4.1)" (1991)
Kryten: Sir, you're a smeeeee...
Rimmer: A smeeee.
Kryten: You're a smeuuu-heeee...
Rimmer: A smeuuu-heeee...
Kryten: A complete and total one.

Rimmer: [about Rimmer Camille] I happen to think she's incredibly attractive.
Kryten: [Thinking he's talking about Mechanoid Camille] You do?
Rimmer: Certainly.
Kryten: Do you think I'm attractive?
Rimmer: What, you? Of course not. You look like a giant, chewed-up, rubber-tipped pencil.

Rimmer: Is there any possibility that we could just go a little bit faster? I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?

"Red Dwarf: Back to Reality (#5.6)" (1992)
Rimmer: I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.
Holly: I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.
Kryten: Where is it, precisely?
Rimmer: Directly above you. 2,000 fathoms and diving.
Lister: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have *lied*?
Rimmer: I *was* lying. It's only 1,000 fathoms.

Rimmer: Kryten, open the next one.
Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight about being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are.
Rimmer: All I said was open the next one.

Rimmer: This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt!

"Red Dwarf: Officer Rimmer (#11.4)" (2016)
Kryten: According to Freud's lexicon of dream symbols, flying is supposed to be a metaphore for sex.
Rimmer: Absolute poppycock - I dream of flying all the time. It's certainly nothing to do with sex. It's always the same dream: I'm in a Boeing seven-two-seven, it can't take off. I'm sitting there with a tiny bag of nuts I can't get open. Then suddenly, after one giant tug - much to my embarrassment - the whole bag explodes over all of my crew. Now, tell me - because I don't see it - how on Earth is that anything to do with sex?

Lister: You just launched a mining torpedo at him!
Kryten: It's too late to intercept.
Lister: Rimmer, what have you done?
Rimmer: I've just saved all of our necks, that's what I've done. It was the only option.
Kryten: Impact, one minute and counting.
Lister: You gotta tell 'im, you gotta tell Harring what you've done.
Rimmer: What, tell him I've just nuked his ship? I'm not telling him that.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: He won't like me.

Kryten: Sir, are you familiar with the Abraham Lincoln quotation on power?
Rimmer: Lincoln, the President? He got assassinated in the theatre? I've never been a fan of the theatre, Kryten. My mother used to take me and some of the most excruciating hours of my life have been spent there. Sometimes, the greater tragedy is going to the theatre and not getting shot. You were saying?
Kryten: Lincoln once said: "If you want to test a man's character, give him power".
Rimmer: And Officer Rimmer once said: "If you want to feel my boot up your recharge socket, keep talking!"

"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part Three) (#9.3)" (2009)
[the gang climb out out Carbug and look around]
Rimmer: What sort of godforseken place it this?
Cat: This is worse than Rimmerworld!
Dave Lister: Get out of town - this is brilliant! It's just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars!

Dave Lister: [Lister walks in] You're the only one who can help us, man!
Craig Charles: [Stands up and moves away] I've heard about these! They're called flashbacks! I know you don't exist!
Cat: Okay, no need to rub it in!
Rimmer: Just give us the address of whoever created us, and we'll jump into Starbug and be out of here!
Craig Charles: Starbug?
Simon Gregson: Yeah, I just told ya, they landed outside the Kabin!
Rimmer: [Turning to Simon] That is okay, isn't it? We're not going to get a ticket, are we?
Craig Charles: You're not all here! I know you're not all here!
Rimmer: [Pointing to Kryten] Eh, He's not all here, but the rest of us are!
Cat: Yeah!

Rimmer: We've got to speak to our creator!
Craig Charles: And I've got to get back to the Priory!

"Red Dwarf: Krytie TV (#8.5)" (1999)
Rimmer: Here's another letter for you.
Lister: Who's it from?
Rimmer: Petersen. My god, it's tragic.
Lister: What? Did he die?
Rimmer: Die? Do you think he'd write and tell you?
Lister: Yeah, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy planning his funeral and everything. So, go on. What's happened?
Rimmer: Something catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.

Lister: Are you okay?
Rimmer: Of course I'm not okay. I hate your guitar. If I'd wanted to share a room with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.

Rimmer: [Final scene, Rimmer is reading Lister's appeal letter] "Dear, Mr Lister, your appeal has been successful! From this day forth inmates with no history of violence or depression will be allowed...
[face aghast]
Rimmer: ... to have strings on their guitars." This appeal was all about guitar strings?
Lister: You didn't think it was about getting out of here did you?
Rimmer: You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy stinking guitar?
Lister: You've been a brick, man. And as a personal thank you, I thought I'd write you a song.
[Rimmer is devastated]

"Red Dwarf: Only the Good... (#8.8)" (1999)
[last lines]
Grim Reaper: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and...
Rimmer: Not today, matey.
[kicks him in the groin]
Rimmer: Remember, only the good die young.
[He runs off]
Grim Reaper: [in agony] That's never happened before...

Rimmer: [points to a mark on his jaw] That is a scar.
Lister: Where'd you get that?
Rimmer: From a fight, years ago. Duel.
Lister: A duel? You?
Rimmer: Not "a" duel. Duel. The old Steven Spielberg movie. A friend of mine attacked me with the video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back though. I peed in his mum's steam iron. He had yellow T-shirts for a week.

"Red Dwarf: Twentica (#11.1)" (2016)
Rimmer: [the crew get into a car with Lister hotwiring] Have you done this before?
Lister: It was the only way to get home sometimes, when I lost all me money playing Texas hold 'em. I know it was wrong, I was young, I was stupid, but what do you really know when you're seven?
Rimmer: Stealing cars at the age of seven? Why didn't you take the bus?
Lister: Hotwire a bus? I was seven! I just wasn't up to it.
Rimmer: Catching the bus. What's wrong with catching the bus on the way home from school?
Lister: Who mentioned school, I was off shoplifting. Don't look at me like that, I been on the straight and narrow since I was nine, maybe ten. Alright, eleven.

Rimmer: [the crew are attempting to get into a secret hangout] I'll handle this. Americans love an English accent, so that rules out Lister. They're particularly impressed by people who say "whom" a lot.

"Red Dwarf: D.N.A. (#4.2)" (1991)
Rimmer: Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them. Oh, smeg, that's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 6-5000.

Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of danger, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
The Cat: You just listed all my best features.

Red Dwarf (1992) (TV)
Kryten: He evolved from cats, sir, just as your distant ancestors once swung from trees.
Arnold Rimmer: Ancestors? His grandparents swung from trees.

Dave Lister: What's it feel like?
Arnold Rimmer: Death?
Dave Lister: Yeah.
Arnold Rimmer: It's like being at an Amish bachelor party.

Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998) (TV)
Ainsley Harriott: Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.
Rimmer: Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.

Ainsley Harriott: I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.
Rimmer: Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.
Lister: We got some wine made from urine recyc.
Rimmer: Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.
Lister: But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?
[Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald]
Kryten: Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.
Duane Dibbley: I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!
Lister: We've got an insole...
Kryten: Er... a Pot Noodle.
Lister: Caroline Carmen's ear.
Ainsley Harriott: That is totally unhygienic!
Lister: No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!
Ainsley Harriott: [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!

"Red Dwarf: Backwards (#3.1)" (1989)
Rimmer: What jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?

[Kryten is taking a flying lesson on Starbug]
Kryten: I think there's something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is, I learned how to fly in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls on Starbug 1.
Rimmer: They're exactly the same.
Kryten: Yes. That's the problem.

"Red Dwarf: The Inquisitor (#5.2)" (1992)
Kryten: This is the inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Rimmer: We're in big trouble.

Kryten: [the Inquisitor is coming to judge the crew and delete the worthless. Rimmer is worried] Sir! Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life!
Rimmer: Oh, God.
Kryten: Make a contribution.
Rimmer: Oh, God.
Kryten: No matter how small.
Rimmer: Oh, God.
Kryten: You simply have to have lead a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Kryten: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Rimmer: Well, shut up then!

"Red Dwarf: Give and Take (#11.3)" (2016)
Kryten: [Whilst onboard a derelict ship] Remember sirs, the asteroid storm will destroy this ship in five hours.
[Rubble falls from the ceiling]
Cat: Let's split up into pairs, we can search quicker that way.
Rimmer: As acting superior officer, I naturally get the first choice.
[points to Cat]
Rimmer: Don't want you.
[points to Kryten]
Rimmer: Don't want you.
[Only Lister is left]
Rimmer: Why is the never anyone good here? You'd get more choice in an Amish barber's. Kryten, you're with me, let's move, people.
[Kryten and Rimmer head off]
Lister: If they ever decided to recognize services to Toss-pottery,
[points to Rimmer]
Lister: he'll be a hall of famer.

Lister: [Starbug approaches a derelict] What kind of space station is it, Kryts? Any idea?
Kryten: I don't recognize it, sir. But I must confess I did delete some files off my hard drive this morning to create more memory.
Lister: Really? Is that safe?
Kryten: Oh, have no fear, sir. I only deleted information I considered frivolous and idiotic.
Rimmer: Without checking with me first?
Kryten: And you are?
Rimmer: Go into your trash folder, you metal moron and undelete the "Rimmer" file. You must've dumped me in there by mistake.
Kryten: That's highly unlikely whoever you are, but I'll check anyway.
Kryten: Oh! There's a folder in here marked "Captain Bollocks." Could that be you?

"Red Dwarf: Holoship (#5.1)" (1992)
[Rimmer addresses the crew before leaving for the Holoship]
Rimmer: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say... that over the years I have come to regard you as... people... I met.

Kryten: What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.
Rimmer: But it *is* possible!
Kryten: Possible, but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton!
The Cat: Reduced?

"Red Dwarf: Pete: Part 2 (#8.7)" (1999)
Lister: We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet, or we're dead.
Rimmer: Keep him quiet? He's rampaging around the food decks making more noise than two yodeling champions on honeymoon. Everyone on the ship would've heard him by now.
Kryten: Sir, the crew are frozen; operating on a different time stream. Now if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no-one would be any the wiser.
The Cat: He's right. I just listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.

Lister: He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister. Isn't he? On the ball; quick.
[uses his hand to warn Rimmer that Hollister is behind him]
Rimmer: [unaware that Hollister is behind him] Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
Lister: [still pointing Rimmer to Hollister] You admire him, though, do you?
Rimmer: [still unaware of Hollister's presence] Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick'n'mix factory in his quarters; a man who has a walk-in fridge; who lists as his hobbies chewing and swallowing?
Lister: [pointing at Hollister in agony] You did tell me once before you do respect *him*, don't you?
Rimmer: Respect him? A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole; a man whose idea of a light snack... he's standing behind me, isn't he?
Captain Hollister: Yes, he is.

"Red Dwarf: Can of Worms (#11.6)" (2016)
Rimmer: Risk our necks for one prisoner?
Lister: Rimmer, the prisoners might be human - we can't just abandon them.
Rimmer: Never say 'can't', Listy. Put your mind to it - there's no limit to who you can abandon.

"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 1 (#8.1)" (1999)
Lister: Look, this is gonna sound nuts. But the whole crew died, including you. And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots.
Arnold Rimmer: I died? The rest of the crew died? And you're going to spend the next 2 years in the brig with a load of neanderthals with badly spelt tattoos? So where are we, is this my heaven?
Lister: Look, a radiation leak wiped everyone out, I survived because I was in stasis. Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship and resurrected the crew.
Arnold Rimmer: So where are they?
Lister: Dunno, gone, scarpered. Maybe we should take the fifth?
Arnold Rimmer: The fifth? If I were you I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.
Lister: I gotta track down these nanos to corroborate our story. Otherwise who's gonna believe our defense? Only meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society! I need your help, man.
Arnold Rimmer: Me?
Lister: Who else is gonna help me? I'm confined to quarters.
[indicates a restraint watch on his arm]
Lister: The minute I walk through that door, I get enough wattage up me jacksie to light up the whole of Bootle.
Arnold Rimmer: Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple of zillion volts is going to be easy street.

"Red Dwarf: Krysis (#11.5)" (2016)
Cat: [the trio are conversing about Kryten having a mid-life crisis] What even is a mid-life crisis? I don't think us cats ever get them.
Rimmer: It's usually a point where people who are halfway through life are forced to confront their own mortality.
Lister: Put it this way: Have you felt "I've wasted my life"?
Cat: You? Sure. Every single day.
Lister: No, have you ever felt you've wasted your life?
Cat: No!
Lister: Have you ever felt "There's such much more I could've been?"
Cat: No!
Lister: Have you ever felt "If I went back in time and I had my time again, I'd..." forget it.

"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part Two) (#9.2)" (2009)
Arnold Rimmer: [Rimmer has just pushed Katerina in front of a moving car] Well, come on - we haven't got all day!
Kryten: She didn't see that coming, did she? I did!

"Red Dwarf: Ouroboros (#7.3)" (1997)
Kochanski: Rimmer?
Rimmer: Yes, ma'am?
Kochanski: Have sex with someone, and that's an order.

"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 2 (#8.2)" (1999)
Arnold Rimmer: [about to take a swig of the Sexual Magnetism virus] I'm gonna be Colin Charisma at the Captain's supper with this stuff.

"Red Dwarf: Dear Dave (#10.5)" (2012)
Rimmer: Look, we're not talking near misses here, false panics, we're only dealing with blue-stick bullseyes.
[talking about possibly getting women pregnant, in a deleted scene from the episode]
Lister: Well, you can never truly know, can ya? I mean, if a tree falls in the forest and it doesn't ring and tell ya, how'd you truly know? But I'm guessing, up to this point, round about zero. Yeah, zero - I'm going for zero.
Rimmer: And correct me if wrong, but as the last remaining male in the universe, the human race is relying on your ability in this particular department, is it not?
Lister: All right, Rimmer, don't go on about it.
Rimmer: Preasure like that, thinking about it, the crushing force of expectation, the magnitude of the responsibility, the weight of the whole survival of the whole species on your two little nuts would make most guys impotent just like that.
[snaps a finger]
Lister: Well, I'm not impotent.
Rimmer: What? Since I did that? Have you checked? I don't think you have.
[snapping his fingers again]
Lister: Where are you going with this, Rimmer?
Rimmer: I'm saying: you had no success in this department when your sperm were young and goofy, when they were out every night frolicing and free. You've got old sperm now, Listy. They're not so spritly. They swim into a womb and can't remember why they came in. They don't know what they're doing, who they are, where they're going; they have to stop every five minutes and ask directions. They don't want to break into any eggs and fertilize them, they want to watch "Countdown" and do crosswords.

"Red Dwarf: Trojan (#10.1)" (2012)
Rimmer: This is a corridor. Erm, windows, of course. We tend to use it very much as a... corridor.

"Red Dwarf: Terrorform (#5.3)" (1992)
Rimmer: Why are you all looking at me like that? Like this is MY fault? Do you have any idea what kind of day I've had? I've been kidnapped, stripped, oiled, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, taunted, humiliated and I very nearly had a round, knobbly thing the size and shape of a Mexican agarve cactus jammed up where only Customs men dare to probe.