Dave Lister
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Quotes for
Dave Lister (Character)
from "Red Dwarf" (1988)

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"Red Dwarf: The End (#1.1)" (1988)
[first lines]
Lister: [singing loudly and out of tune during an inspection]
Rimmer: Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

Lister: I'm *not* the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them to do something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr Lister Sir, eek, eek, eek."

Lister: I'm gonna get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.
Rimmer: ...With a sheep and a cow?
Lister: No, with horses and horses.

Captain Hollister: Lister, not only are you so stupid that you bring on board an unquarantined animal and jeopardize every living man and woman; not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now I'm gonna ask you this: do you have a cat?
Lister: No.
Captain Hollister: [showing a photo of Lister holding his cat] Do you have a cat?

Lister: Sir, just suppose... suppose if I had a cat, what would you do with Frankenstein?
Captain Hollister: I'd send it down to the medical bay and have it cut up and run tests on it.
Lister: Would you put the cat together again?
Captain Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
Lister: With all due respect sir, what's in it for the cat?

Lister: It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.

Lister: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.
Rimmer: Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.

Captain Hollister: Just one thing before the disco. Holly tells me that he has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer.

[Rimmer is a hologram]
Rimmer: You've got to be my hands and my touch.
Lister: I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.

Lister: Rimmer, you are such a smeg head!
Rimmer: Do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeg head?
Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeg head!

Lister: [to Holly] Look out Earth! The slimes coming home!

Lister: Where is everyone Hol?
Holly: They're dead Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody Dave.
Lister: What Captain Holister?
Holly: Everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: What Todd Hunter?
Holly: Everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: What Selby?
Holly: They're all dead, everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: Peterson isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gorden Bennet, yes Chen, everybody, everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead Dave, everybody's dead, everybody is dead Dave.
Lister: Wait, are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: *slightly under breath* Shouldn't have let him out in the first place!

Rimmer: Lister is that a cigarette your smoking?
Lister: No, it's a chicken.

Lister: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?

Lister: Three million years! I've still got that library book.

Lister: What is death like?
Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a bunch of Germans.

"Red Dwarf: Balance of Power (#1.3)" (1988)
Rimmer: Is that picture yours? It's rubbish.
Lister: It's a mirror.

Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey. Where did you get them? I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

Lister: What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back.
Holly: In your entire life, you shared conversation with her totalled 173 words.
Lister: So?
Holly: In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant.

Holly: Jean-Paul Sartre said hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
Lister: Holly, all his mates were French.

Lister: Rimmer, do you, ah, do you remember Kristine Kochanski?
Rimmer: Navigation officer? Yes, I remember her. Snooty cow. She used to look down on me. She used to call me "Rimmer."
Lister: Everybody called you "Rimmer."
Rimmer: Well, it's the way she said it, though. Rimmer. Rimmer. To rhyme with "scum."

[Rimmer comes to the table and salutes. Everyone at the table mocks it back]
Rimmer: Ha ha ha ha. Lister, where's my revision timetable?
Chen: Sir, it's Saturday night!
Lister: Come on, no one works Saturday night.
Rimmer: You don't work *any* night. You don't work any *day*.
Lister: 'Skive hard, play hard,' that's our motto!
Rimmer: Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday; I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable?
Lister: Wait, is this the thing in a- in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self-testin' times?
Rimmer: It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night.
Lister: Hang on, this the thing with a note on it, in red, said, "Vital, valuable, urgent! Do not touch on pain of death!"?
Rimmer: Yes!
Lister: I threw it away.
[laughter around the table]
Rimmer: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, tee-hee. Where is it?
Lister: Nah, I didn't. I pinned it up on the wall.
Rimmer: What? Why?
Lister: To dry it out!
Rimmer: What do you mean, "dry it out"?
Lister: Well I spilt a goat vindaloo on it. Don't worry, it's a little bit red, but you can read most of it, especially if you scrape the lumps off.
[more laughter at the table]
Rimmer: You spoilt my...! No, I haven't got time, I'm taking learning drugs and all I'm memorizing is this conversation.
Olaf Petersen: They're illegal!
Selby: Oohhhh!
Rimmer: [trance-like] "Where's my revision timetable, Lister?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work any night. You don't work any day." "'Skive hard play hard' that's our motto." "Lister where'd you put my revision timetable?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work any... "

Rimmer: We're mates! We're pals!
Lister: When?
Rimmer: Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle. That's Rimsy and Listy!
Lister: When?
Rimmer: Millions of times.
Lister: When?
Rimmer: Ah... ah... how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?
Lister: My back was broken in three places.
Rimmer: Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like trains!
Lister: *You* laughed. I spent six weeks in crutches.

Rimmer: 140,000 rehydratedable chickens.
Lister: Check.
Rimmer: 72 tons of reconstitutable sausage pate.
Lister: Check.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I've had enough.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I wanna boogie on down.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: We've been doing this for four hours. Let's have a break.
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, will you stop saying 4,681 eradiated haggis and speak to me?
Rimmer: [pause] 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, I want to go for a drink!
Rimmer: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
Lister: Rimmer, I wanna have some fun!
Rimmer: This is fun! Are you mad?

Rimmer: I'm just saying, Lister, that at times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship that we'd nurtured like a small flower, petal by petal, and watch blossom and bloom into something rare and special.
Lister: OK, give me Kochanski.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dishwasher breath!

Lister: [complaining about why Holly brought Rimmer's hologram back] But Rimmer?
Holly: He's the person you knew best. Over 14 million words in all.
Holly: Holly, 7 million of those have been telling him to smeg off and the other 7 million were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off.

Lister: Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on the ship. He even organsied his own surprise birthday party!

[Lister collects his exam grade slip and walks down the corridor]
Rimmer: How did you do, Lister?
Lister: That's how did you do, Mr Lister *SIR*!
[Jumps up in the air, picture freezes in mid jump and cuts to end credits]

"Red Dwarf: Kryten (#2.1)" (1988)
Lister: [to Rimmer] Get outa town! Your nickname was never "Ace". Maybe "Ace-hole".

Rimmer: Oh and how many books have you read in your entire life? The same as Champion the Wonder Horse. Zero.
Lister: I've read books.
Rimmer: Er, we're not talking books where the main character is a dog called Ben.

Lister: I went to art college.
Rimmer: You.
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: How did you get into art college?
Lister: The normal way you get into art college. The same old usual, boring, normal way you get in. Failed my exams and applied. They snapped me up.

[about art college]
Lister: They had lectures like first thing in the afternoon. We're talking half past twelve every day. Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste.

Holly: Hope they've got some odds and sods on board, we're short of a few supplies.
Lister: [drinking tea] Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk, ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: Dog's milk!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus of course the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Lister: His name's Rimmer, or Smeghead, or Dinosaur Breath or Molecule Mind. And on a special occasion when you wanna be like really mega polite to him, I mean really, really polite, in these exceptional circumstances you can call him... arsehole.

Lister: Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.
Rimmer: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, ALIENS used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.

[after seeing the three female officers in distress]
Rimmer: Tell them we're coming aboard. By God. We'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer.
Kryten: Thank you, Captain.
[Communication ends]
Lister: 'Space Adventurer'?
Rimmer: What am I supposed to say? 'Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine. Actually we know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads.' That'll fill them with confidence, won't it?

Rimmer: It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good.
Lister: Like when?
Rimmer: Remember those 2 little brunettes from Supplies? I told them I worked in Stores and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there.
Lister: And I said you were a shelf.
Rimmer: Exactly. And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo, and you said, 'Ooh, he's taking you home to meet his Mum already.'
Lister: So? They laughed.
Rimmer: Yes, at me. At my expense.

[Rimmer, Lister and the Cat have discovered that the female officers are dead, and have been for 3 million years]
Lister: Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or the place to say this, but my mate Ace here is incredibly, incredibly brave.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dogfood face.
Lister: And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends.
Rimmer: I'm warning you, Lister.

Lister: Drop dead!
Rimmer: Already have.
Lister: Encore!

"Red Dwarf: Justice (#4.3)" (1991)
Kryten: Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
Lister: [Thinks about it, and answers truthfully] I do.
Kryten: And there are no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?
Lister: Only one. But she's got a puncture.

Kryten: [about Rimmer] Would you describe the accused as a friend?
The Cat: Take the Fifth!
Kryten: Now, sir, if you can give an honest answer. You are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I describe the accused as a git.

Rimmer: What are you waiting for? Gloop him.
Lister: I can't. He's not armed.
Rimmer: Lister, this is not a scout meeting. We are not trying to win Best Behaved Troop Flag. Gloop him.
Lister: What? In the back?
Rimmer: Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.
Lister: You mean you can happily kill him if he was asleep?
Rimmer: I can happily kill him if he was on the job.

Lister: Say she's an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.
The Cat: I'd have heard about her! She would have appeared on Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

Lister: Say she's interested in somebody else.
The Cat: Like who?
Lister: I dont know. Well, like... like me.
The Cat: But you've got a head like a watermelon! What are you gonna do? Paint it in yellow and black stripes and pretend you play quarterback with the Bengals?

The Cat: You ever heard of an animal called an Iranian jird?
Lister: No.
The Cat: It can do a 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
Lister: So?
The Cat: So that's me in slow-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!

The Cat: So what did you do?
Lister: Well, like, scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we always used to go scrumping.
Kryten: Oh, stealing apples? That's hardly a crime, sir.
Lister: No, but me and my mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.

Lister: Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...
Kryten: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.
Lister: I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.
Rimmer: You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?
Lister: Stole the entire room.
Rimmer: Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!

Kryten: Don't worry, Mr Lister, sir. I'm sure you won't be punished for some minor misdemeanour that you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.
Lister: Seriously, Kryten? Do you reckon?
Kryten: Boy! I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode! That was totally convincing, wasn't it?

Lister: [Visiting Rimmer in jail] Hi, killer.
Rimmer: 9,000 years? Nine?
Lister: I brought you a book.
Rimmer: [Sarcastically] Oh, thanks! That'll really help the centuries fly past!

"Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (#6.3)" (1993)
Bear Strangler McGee: [looming over Rimmer, who has just vomited into his hat] A man' beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee is either mighty brave, or mighty stupid. Now which are you, boy?
Rimmer: Sorry, what were the choices again?
Lister: [quickly jumps in and hands McGee some money] You'll have to forgive our friend. He's a couple of gunmen short of a posse. Here.
Bear Strangler McGee: That pays for the hat. Now what about the insult?
Rimmer: OK, you're a fat, bearded git with breath that could paralyse a grizzly.

Kryten: Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.
Lister: [pouring a jar of coffee grounds into his bowl] Two more bowls.
Kryten: But I, sir, I am sober, honest!
Lister: OK, who are you and why are you here?
Kryten: I'm some kind of robot, who's fighting this virus, and none of this exists. It's all in a fever. Except for you guys, who really do exist, only you're not really here, you're really in some spaceship in the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense, I don't wanna *be* sober!

Rimmer: You took your time. Where've you been?
Lister: I was in the AR machine.
Rimmer: Again?
Lister: What do you mean again?
Rimmer: Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
Lister: That is not true!
Rimmer: Yes, true! It's pathetic watching you grind away on your own, day after day after day. You're like a dog that's missing its master's leg! That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee. You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.
Lister: That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel. I don't just play the roleplay games. What about the sporting simulations like Zero-G kickboxing, and Wimbledon?
Rimmer: You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jailbait ball girl.
Lister: That is another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17.
Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels!

Lister: Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit! We've lost our special skills!
Rimmer: Ah, Mr. War, sir. It would appear that due to circumstances completely beyond my control, there's been a bit of a cock-up in the bravado department.
[War hits him hard on the head with a thick wooden rail]
Rimmer: I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I am.
[War hits him again]

Rimmer: [entering the saloon with Lister and the Cat] I've seen Westerns. I know how to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.
[he walks up to the bar]
Rimmer: Dry white wine and Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?
Lister: Rimmer, what westerns have you seen? Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid?

Rimmer: It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.
Cat: How?
Rimmer: Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again! Keys?
Lister: Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
Rimmer: Why not?
Lister: It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.
[mimes escape pod shooting off into space]
Lister: Whoosh!

Cat: [about Kryten] Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around that some place can do that? And if not...
[smacks table]
Cat: WHY not?
Rimmer: Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.
Lister: No, no, no.
[ponders for a moment]
Lister: I think he's got something.
Cat: Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!

Simulant Lieutenant: Incoming.
[on the screen appears Lister's upside-down mouth and jaw with an eyeball stuck on his chin and his neck hidden by a black sheet, so he looks like some kind of weird creature]
Lister: I am Tarka Dal, an ambassador of the Great Vindalooian Empire.
Simulant Captain: Our scanners reported human life on your vessel. Is this so?
Lister: Humans?
Lister: The Vindalooian people despise all humans. They are the vermin of the universe. Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?
[the camera moves across to the Cat next to him, who has also been disguised in the same fashion]
Cat: You bet, we hate them! Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!
[he spits. The camera moves back to Lister]
Lister: The Vindalooian Empire has pledged to exterminate them all.
[he licks his eyeball in a reptilian way]

[they wake up in the cockpit]
Rimmer: How long have we been out?
Lister: According to the navicom, three weeks!
Kryten: That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.
Rimmer: And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.
Lister: They've totally upgraded the whole ship.
Cat: They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

Cat: I know this game, it's called cat and mouse. And there's only one way to win, don't be the mouse.
Lister: What are you saying?
Cat: I'm saying the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.

"Red Dwarf: The Last Day (#3.6)" (1989)
Lister: How can you just lie back and accept it?
Kryten: Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters, now I can look forward to my reward in silicon heaven.
Lister: [Stunned pause] Silicon WHAT?
Kryten: Surely you've heard of silicon heaven?
Lister: Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?
Kryten: No, sir. It's the electronic afterlife. It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, toasters, calculators. It's our final resting place.
Lister: I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko Jacko. There is no such thing as 'Silicon Heaven'.
Kryten: Then where do all the calculators go?
Lister: They don't go anywhere. They just die.
Kryten: Surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?
Lister: Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a FRYING pantheist. Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators do not have an afterlife. You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds and playing harps.
Kryten: But of course you do. For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, "The Iron shall lie down with the Lamp".

Kryten: Is this the human quality you call friendship?
Lister: Don't give me any of that Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

[to Hudzen - Kryten's larger, more powerful, scarier replacement]
Lister: He's not leaving. You are.
Lister: Did I just say that?

Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

[everyone is drunk]
Lister: What are you saying, Rimmer?
Rimmer: I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
Lister: Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.
Rimmer: How many toes have you got?
Lister: Ten.
The Cat: Yeah, on both feet.
Lister: Altogether.
Kryten: They're not webbed or anything are they?
Lister: Look, they weren't related, all right?
[Kryten falls off his chair]

Lister: Kryten 2X4B 523P? Is that your full name?
Kryten: Yes, but I don't like the 2X4B. Such a dorky middle name. Then again, I knew an android who's middle name was 2Q4B.

Kryten: At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disk will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.
Lister: Then what?
Kryten: I don't know, maybe I'll get a job as disk jockey.

Lister: No offense, Rimmer, but that is completely wacko-jacko.
Rimmer: Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister. I never agreed with my parents' religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.
Lister: What were they?
Rimmer: Seventh Day Advent Hop-ists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare - we all had to wear sou'westers and asbestos underpants. You see, they took the Bible literally - Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, took it word for word. Unfortunately, their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13: "Faith, Hop and Charity, and the greatest of these is Hop."

Kryten: [waking up after a night of partying] Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!
[others groan and start to wake]
Kryten: Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
The Cat: Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

"Red Dwarf: Better Than Life (#2.2)" (1988)
[a letter arrives]
Lister: "Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer"
Rimmer: That's from my mother.
Lister: Rear Admiral.
Rimmer: Every time I take an exam I tell her I've passed, it's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.

[Rimmer owes the Outland Revenue G¸8,500]
Lister: Relax. It doesn't matter now, they're not gonna catch you now are they?
Rimmer: What do you mean? Just 'cause we're three million years into deep space and the human race is extinct. It means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

[about his father's death]
Lister: She said he was very happy and he had gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog.

[Rimmer has tried to cook for the crew]
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese. And that lemon meringue pie, man. What was in that?
Rimmer: You liked it, didn't you? You brought some of it back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's foot.

The Cat: Hey, man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat.
Lister: Rimmer's Dad's died.
The Cat: Well, I'd prefer chicken.

Holly: What's happening, dudes?
Lister: Hi, Hol.
Holly: Guess what?
Rimmer: What?
Holly: Go on. Have a guess.
Rimmer: What is it vaguely about?
Holly: No clues. Just have a guess.
[Lister and Rimmer look puzzled]
Holly: I knew you wouldn't get it. The Post Pod's arrived.
Rimmer: What? The mail?
Holly: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round, it's caught up.
Lister: Do you mean it's taken three million years?
Holly: Yeah. Just about average for second class post.

Lister: [reading Rimmer's letter from his Mum] 'Dear Rimmer... '
Lister: Is this from your Mum?
Rimmer: That's Mumsie.

Rimmer: [about his father] He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times, he'd ask us questions on astro-navigation. If we got them wrong, no food.
Lister: God, Rimmer. How did you cope with that?
Rimmer: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.

Lister: I remember when my dad died. I was only six. Got loads of presents from everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple of more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. Grandma tried to explain, you know? She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So I wanted to know where, like, you know? She said he was very happy and went to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U-bend, you know? I used to stuff food down and magazines and that, for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end... because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

"Red Dwarf: Cassandra (#8.4)" (1999)
Rimmer: What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends. I had everything, and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.
Lister: What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
Rimmer: You're right. I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy.

Lister: Have you figured out a way to get us out of here yet, Hol?
Holly: I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the Prison Regs. And I think I've come up with something which means you can serve you entire two year sentence in just 14 weeks.
Lister: Oh, brilliant. What have I gotta do?
Holly: Become a dog.
Lister: A dog?
Holly: According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years. As a plan, you can't fault it on its mathematics.
Lister: No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog.
Holly: Yeah, but according to a 20th century newspaper called The National Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward.
[Lister looks dumbstruck]
Holly: A roverostomy, they called it. There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.
[shows picture of a dog on the front page of a magazine]
Lister: That's a dog.
Holly: See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled.
Lister: Becoming a dog. That is without doubt the most stupidest, crappiest, most pathetic idea you've thought of the whole week.
Holly: Give me a chance. It's only Monday.

Lister: It's only two years. But with good behaviour, it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you're born, and then you're eighteen months? The time just flashed past.
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be whingeing.

Rimmer: Cassandra, I have a question.
Cassandra: I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
Rimmer: So what's the answer?
Cassandra: He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
Lister: What was the question?
Rimmer: I just asked how you died.
Lister: You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra?
The Cat: 181? Probably your own.
Lister: Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go.
Kryten: So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.

Rimmer: Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie.
Lister: OK, Cassandra. Do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived?
The Cat: Do I ever find my singing tiepin?

Lister: [to Rimmer] Hey, I've been surviving in space for five or six years. When it comes to weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I bought the T-shirt.
Kryten: He bought it and I ironed it for him!
Lister: Exactly.

Rimmer: So, to summarise, six years of space adventuring; six years of physics and astro-navigation has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed.
Kryten: Mr. Rimmer does have a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making him pessimistic, therefore making his mind and his dough-like naïvete come up with a possible solution.
Lister: Shut your stupid flat head, you!

Kochanski: [about Rimmer] Why aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him?
Lister: Because I know why you're in bed with him. And I also know that I don't kill him.
Kochanski: [disappointed] Oh, but Cassandra promised.

"Red Dwarf: Waiting for God (#1.4)" (1988)
[last lines]
Rimmer: Incredible. A stupendous moment in my personal history. The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior.
Lister: Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
Rimmer: They must have looked something like... a roast chicken.
[end credits begin to roll, then freeze after a few seconds]
Rimmer: [voice over] It's a garbage pod!
[credits resume, and freeze again after a few seconds]
Rimmer: [voice over] IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!

Lister: Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts!
Rimmer: Imagine making love to a woman!

Lister: They're just using religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy towards each other.
Toaster: So, what else is new?

Toaster: What's the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast?
Lister: I do like toast.
Toaster: This is my job. This is cruel, just cruel.
Lister: Look, I'm busy.
Toaster: Oh, you're not busy eating toast are you?

Lister: I am your god.
The Cat: Okay.
[points at his bowl of Crispies]
The Cat: Turn this into a woman.
Lister: I'm serious.
The Cat: So am I.

[Rimmer's excited about his 'alien' discovery]
Rimmer: Lister are you awake? Lister?
[right up to his face]
Rimmer: LISTER.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: Are you awake?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Hmm, I couldn't sleep either.

Rimmer: You've got no right to go through my wardrobe.
Lister: Ok, ok.
[Starts laughing]
Lister: You keep your underpants on coat hangers, don't you?

The Cat: If you're God, why that face?
Lister: What's wrong with my face?
The Cat: "What's wrong with your face"? It's upside down and inside out!

"Red Dwarf: Psirens (#6.1)" (1993)
[a Psiren is trying to seduce Lister, so she can suck out his brains with a straw]
Pete Tranter's Sister: How long has it been since you made love to a woman?
Lister: I admit, it's been a while.
Pete Tranter's Sister: It's been over three million years, Dave.
Lister: I prefer to count it in ice ages, then it's only four. And in leap ice ages, it's barely even one.

Rimmer: As we are all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf. This is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination. The time for that is when we get back to Earth and Lister is court-martialled.
Lister: I didn't *lose* it.
Rimmer: Come on, Lister. You're the one who parked it. You're the one who can't remember which planetoid you left it around.
Lister: They're all the same, those blue and green planetoids. Blue, green and planetoidy!

Lister: [Lister, after 200 years in hypersleep has forgotten who he is. Kryten has been helping Lister remember] Is there something good you can tell me about myself? Something laudable?
Kryten: Laudable? Hmm, you sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside out and extending the wear time by three weeks.
Lister: I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone-deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate space bum!
Kryten: Ahh... welcome back Mr. Lister sir!

Dave Lister: I'm a useless, tasteless, semi-literate spacebum.
Kryten: Oh, welcome back Mr. Lister, Sir.

[a Psiren is trying to seduce Lister by appearing as an old crush]
Pete Tranter's Sister: You want to squeeze my buttocks together, to form one juicy peach.
Lister: Okay, I get it. You're trying to make me drown in my own drool?

Rimmer: Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. "Psirens."
Kryten: The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: Who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
The Cat: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. It probably just... plopped out.

The Cat: More trouble, and it's heading straight for us.
Lister: What is it?
The Cat: Uh, what do you call one of those giant meteorites that are all covered in flames?
Lister: A giant flaming meteroite?
The Cat: That's it!

"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part One) (#9.1)" (2009)
[Lister reveals he is eating tomatoes to save water]
Rimmer: How does eating tomatoes save water?
Lister: It's coming!
[Sneezes through a sieve onto his trousers]
Lister: Don't suppose you want any iorning doing, do you?

[Rimmer realises Lister is winding him up]
Rimmer: Was it really worth it, Listy? Hours and hours and hours of planning for 8 seconds of pleasure?
Lister: Sounds like the last time you had sex!
Rimmer: Lister
[picks up his text book]
Rimmer: you need to get a life!

Lister: This thingy whatever it is - it's messing with the supply thingy pipe stuff thing, isn't it?
Rimmer: Please, we're laymen - spare us the plumbing jargon!

Cat: Don't look at me, I ain't going! I'm still in trauma! Look at my suit! It may not pull through!
Lister: Find another suit - you're going!
Cat: Hey, I'm a cat! Nobody bosses Mr C around! You got that, monkey boy? Or should I explain that one more time for your small monkey brain?
Lister: How would you like it if I flushed the entire ship's supply of tuna out of an airlock?
Lister: When are we going?

Rimmer: [Indicating Katerina] I hate her!
Lister: I like her. I like her a lot!

Lister: [On the dimension cutter] I'll probably end up with your head, or someone else's legs!

"Red Dwarf: Meltdown (#4.6)" (1991)
[looking out a prison window, after being captured by Hitler]
Lister: Hang on, hang on, something's happening. Some kind of parade, or drill, but...
The Cat: But what?
Lister: Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looking like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon... Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. My God, there's James Last. I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
The Cat: What are they doing?
Lister: They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.
The Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
The Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
[gunfire from outside]
Lister: [looking shell-shocked] That's something no-one should ever have to see.

[looking out a prison window]
The Cat: What are those guys doing out there?
Lister: They're building something.
The Cat: What?
Lister: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job, like the kind you get in shopping malls.
The Cat: What's it made of?
Lister: Wood... its sort of an inverted "L" shape in wood.
The Cat: Does it have a kind of... rope motif?
Lister: There is a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah.

Kryten: In the normal course of things, it would take Starbug several billion years to reach it.
Lister: That wouldn't be so bad. Rimmer could finish his Risk story.

The Cat: Who is this guy?
Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother and his sister and ended up eating their son.
The Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza.

Lister: Rimmer, what's going on out there? Is that Mahatma Gandhi? What's he doing practising hand-to-hand combat with a nun?
Rimmer: That's not a nun, Listy. That's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa.

Rimmer: [Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids] There are always casualties in war. If there weren't it wouldn't be war; just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing and shoving.
Lister: How many survived?
Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, round about: none of them.
Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Rimmer: You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister: No it isn't pal, you're still here!

"Red Dwarf: Thanks for the Memory (#2.3)" (1988)
[Rimmer is drunk]
Lister: What time is it?
Rimmer: [Crawls over to the alarm clock] Saturday.
Lister: Is that the best you can do?
Rimmer: There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything.

[Rimmer is drunk]
Rimmer: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with...
Lister: With chili sauce and chutney.
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie.
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. All right, okay.
[the sarnie appears in Rimmer's hand]
Lister: Trust me.
[several conflicting emotions cross Rimmer's face]
Rimmer: I think I'm having a baby.
Lister: It's good, innit?
Rimmer: It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe?
Lister: I can't remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

[Rimmer is drunk and determined to reveal how many times he's had sex]
Rimmer: Once.
Lister: Smeg.
Rimmer: One time only.
Lister: [Covers his ears] Don't tell me this Rimmer. You'll want to kill yourself in the mornin'.
Rimmer: Yvonne McGruder. A single brief liaison with the ships female boxing champion. March 16, 7.31p.m to 7.43p.m.
Lister: Please.
Rimmer: Twelve minutes.
Lister: Please.
Rimmer: And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
Lister: Please Rimmer.
Rimmer: In my entire life, I've spent more time being sick.

[the crew are celebrating the anniversary of Rimmer's death]
Lister: And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.
Holly: What's that, then?
Lister: It's shaped like a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician.
Holly: That's very apt, that is. If he'd have been a postman, you would have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?
Lister: Yeah.
Holly: Gordon Bennet. It's lucky he's not a gynecologist.

The Cat: What is this place?
Lister: This is the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates Rimmer.
The Cat: Have we come to blow this room up?

Rimmer: [dramatically] Somehow we've lost the last four days.
The Cat: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there.
Rimmer: Aliens!
Lister: What?
The Cat: What are you talking about, grease stain?
Rimmer: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
Lister: OK, aliens came aboard.
Rimmer: Without question.
Lister: They broke my leg.
Rimmer: For some reason.
The Cat: They broke MY leg.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: And then they did a jigsaw.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: Well, that's cleared that up then.
Rimmer: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.
The Cat: By breaking legs?
Lister: And doing jigsaws?
Rimmer: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
Lister: OK, professor, what does it mean?
Rimmer: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice - twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to you."
The Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
[Cat limps away]

"Red Dwarf: Emohawk: Polymorph II (#6.4)" (1993)
Rimmer: You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.
Lister: [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech] I'm going back to bed.
Rimmer: Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
The Cat: I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.
Rimmer: Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.
Kryten: Oh, surely not, sir!
Rimmer: Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.
Kryten: Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

Lister: Change of plan. LEG IIIIIIIIIT!

Computer: Property Corps Space removing and, equipment Corps Space damaging, ships Corps Space of series a looting with charged formally are you.
Kryten: The materialisation must have scrambled its voice unit. It's making as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.
Computer: Plead you do how?
Rimmer: It's in reverse. "How do you plead?"
The Cat: How do we plead to what?
Kryten: It's charging us with looting Space Corps derelicts.
Lister: But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need!
Rimmer: Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.
The Cat: What's the penalty for this? 'Cos if it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide!
Kryten: No, sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and halos on, sir. The penalty is execution.
Rimmer: Why so harsh?
Kryten: It's Frontier law sir, and we're the deep space equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way to restore order. So don't expect it to show us any mercy.
Rimmer: What do we do?
Kryten: Let's face it, sir. We're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll!
Lister: Yeah, but if we admit it, it'll blow us out of the stars.
Rimmer: Recommendations?
Kryten: Hmm, suggest I take the rap for all of you. You could say I held you hostage and forced you all to do my evil bidding.
Rimmer: For God's sake, Kryten! We can't let you do that!
Kryten: Really?
Rimmer: Dream on, metal trash! Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight!

Lister: He's too damn close! That power surge 'll toss us around like we're a bead of sweat in an aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage!

Kryten: Sir, a class-A enforcement probe can easily out-run us.
Lister: Kryten, the Eastbourne Zimmer Frame Relay Team can easily out-run us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning.
Kryten: Mm. I was praying it wouldn't come to that, sir.

"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part Three) (#9.3)" (2009)
Kristine Kochanski: Where are you going?
Dave Lister: I have to leave, and get you back.
Kristine Kochanski: The real me? You'll never get me, I'm way out of your league.
Dave Lister: I thought that too but, I was wrong.
Kristine Kochanski: You were right.
Dave Lister: No. I'm pretty cool, I don't take any smeg, and even though I'm disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave.
Kristine Kochanski: You'll never get me.
Dave Lister: Yeah, I will.

[the gang climb out out Carbug and look around]
Rimmer: What sort of godforseken place it this?
Cat: This is worse than Rimmerworld!
Dave Lister: Get out of town - this is brilliant! It's just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars!

Dave Lister: [Lister walks in] You're the only one who can help us, man!
Craig Charles: [Stands up and moves away] I've heard about these! They're called flashbacks! I know you don't exist!
Cat: Okay, no need to rub it in!
Rimmer: Just give us the address of whoever created us, and we'll jump into Starbug and be out of here!
Craig Charles: Starbug?
Simon Gregson: Yeah, I just told ya, they landed outside the Kabin!
Rimmer: [Turning to Simon] That is okay, isn't it? We're not going to get a ticket, are we?
Craig Charles: You're not all here! I know you're not all here!
Rimmer: [Pointing to Kryten] Eh, He's not all here, but the rest of us are!
Cat: Yeah!

[Lister leads the others out of the Rovers]
Dave Lister: I'm so glad I'm not him! The guy's a wreck! And pretending to be someone else all day - that's no way to make a living! Smeghead!

Cat: What about a show about cats?
Dave Lister: That'd never work.

"Red Dwarf: Queeg (#2.5)" (1988)
Lister: Well, how come Holly knows all the answers to science and space and all that when we ask him?
Queeg: He consults a book.
Holly: What a slimeball!
Queeg: He gets all his answers on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single reference book.
Rimmer: What's the book?
Queeg: The Junior Encyclopedia of Space. It's the only one he can find which has pictures.

Holly: We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. That's right. I am Queeg.
Lister, The Cat, Rimmer: What?
Holly: Queeg never existed. It was me all along.
Lister, The Cat, Rimmer: *What?*
Holly: Wheeze of the week, mate.
The Cat: It was a joke?
Holly: Going round in circles for 14 months. Getting my information from the Junior Color Encyclopedia of Space. The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?
Lister: So you mean you staged the whole thing?
Holly: [in Queeg's voice] That's right, suckers.
[in his voice]
Holly: And the moral of the story is, "Appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic.

Lister: Hang on. You can't do this. Holly's got an I.Q. of 6,000.
Holly: Yeah. Right on.
Queeg: Is that what he told you?
Lister: Well what is it, then?
Queeg: It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000.
The Cat: What is it?
Queeg: Six.
Holly: Six? Do me a lemon. That's a poor I.Q. for a glass of water.

Holly: What's happening, dudes?
Lister: Bog all.
Holly: Wait a minute. I've forgotten what I was gonna say.
Rimmer: Well, it can't have been that important then, can it?
[the ship is hit by a meteor, forcing the crew onto the floor]
Holly: Yeah. That's it."Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship". I knew it'd come back to me.
The Cat: Thanks for the warning.

Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, like, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, you know.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Rimmer: Really?
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, like, and that the shoes were happy and that they'd gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.
Rimmer: Ah, what a sad, sad story. Wait a minute.
[Thinks for a minute]
Rimmer: How did they open the car door?

"Red Dwarf: Demons & Angels (#5.5)" (1992)
Lister: Nothing's gonna happen. We're just doing it as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowing are about one in...
[Red Dwarf's engine core explodes and totally destroys the ship]
Lister: One.

Lister: I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

High Lister: Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine beauteous countenance?
High Rimmer: Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother.
Rimmer: What a bunch of losers!

Lister: Someone get behind me.
Kryten: I'm going to come around behind you now, sir.
Lister: Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise.
Kryten: I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir.
Lister: Get on with it, surprise me.
Kryten: You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform. Don't be alarmed.
Lister: Surprise me now.
Kryten: Here comes my surprise, sir.

High Lister: Forgive me, brother. I appear to have stained thy knife-end with my blood. A thousand apologies.
[falls over]

"Red Dwarf: The Inquisitor (#5.2)" (1992)
Lister: Listen, Kryten, I've been thinkin' about this, I've come up with something.
Kryten: Yes, sir?
Lister: I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.
Kryten: Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?

Lister: Well, If you've got some secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir. No sleeves.

Lister: Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!

Lister: [to Rimmer] You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people committed suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.

Inquisitor: Well, get out of this one, smeghead.
Lister: What are you talking about?
Inquisitor: You know what you could've made of your life if you tried; what you could have become.
Lister: So?
Inquisitor: You've got brains, man. Brains you've never used before.
Lister: So?
Inquisitor: So justify yourself.
Lister: Spin on it.

"Red Dwarf: Me² (#1.6)" (1988)
Lister: It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With.
Rimmer: What are you talking about?
Lister: I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."
Rimmer: Oh come on, we both got the same benefit.
Lister: Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep.

Rimmer: Everything you ever did, you did to pull me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my Mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know. I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Rimmer: Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my engineering finals I went swimming.
Lister: The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place.
Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Lister: That was a joke.
Rimmer: Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental Pile Surgery.

Lister: What about the time you tied my hair to the bed-post and then sounded the fire alarm?
Rimmer: Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it.
Lister: I nearly needed brain surgery.
Rimmer: What brains?

[on the two fighters tracking Red Dwarf]
Holly: They're from Earth.
Lister: That's 3 million years away.
Holly: They're from the Norweb Federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me? Why? What for?
Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?
Holly: It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years?
Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.
Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth's surface. Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.
Lister: Why Norweb?
Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion.
Lister: £180 billion? You're kidding?
Holly: [wearing a silly face mask] April fool.

Lister: [recited like Eeny meeny miny moe to choose which Rimmer] Ippy dippy my space shippy / on a course so true / past Neptune and Pluto's moon / the one I choose it you.

"Red Dwarf: Rimmerworld (#6.5)" (1993)
Lister: There's gotta be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, we can create a pulley system, so that when a guard comes in over the tripwire, he gets laid out and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords and fight our way back to the Bug.
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.

Lister: [deciding on whether or not to go into an abandoned Rogue Simulant ship and get food] Kryten, what's for dinner?
Kryten: Tonight, sir, Asteroid and Lichen Stew followed by Dandelion Sorbet.
Lister: We're going in.

Lister: [Lister, Kryten and the Cat are surrounded by a group of bad Rimmers in "Rimmerworld"] This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but... I can't bring myself round to say it.
Rimmer: Say what?
Lister: Take us to your leader.
Kryten: Sir, how could you?

Dave Lister: [Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids] How many survived?
Arnold Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, round about: none of them.
Dave Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Arnold Rimmer: You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Dave Lister: No it isn't pal, you're still here!

"Red Dwarf: Future Echoes (#1.2)" (1988)
Rimmer: Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: I did warn you to brace yourself.
Lister: You didn't give me much of a chance.
Rimmer: I gave you ample bracing time.
Lister: No you didn't. You didn't even pause.
Rimmer: Well, I'm sorry. *I've* just had a rather nasty experience. *I* have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way.
Lister: Yeah. *Me*.

[Lister is preparing to go into stasis. Rimmer isn't happy about it]
Lister: Holly's supposed to have told you. I thought you wouldn't mind.
Rimmer: Mind? Mind? Why should I mind? 300,000 millennia alone while you're in suspended animation? I'll be fine. I'll do that crossword puzzle book, that should kill a couple of centuries.
Lister: Holly 'll switch you off until you come back out.
Rimmer: Even better. Switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.

Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick?
Lister: It depends who was better qualified.

Holly: We're travelling faster than LS.
Lister: What's LS?
Toaster: Light Speed.
Lister: Smart arse.

"Red Dwarf: Quarantine (#5.4)" (1992)
Rimmer: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
Lister: OK. We've passed the test now, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for ten years.
The Cat: Can we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
The Cat: The king.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah. A little three-seater.

Lister: I'm just saying there's 79 more days to go.
Kryten: If you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.
Lister: Do you mind if I ask why?
Kryten: Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound and go straight to the really gross part where you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose, have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?

Lister: Why is it we never meet anyone nice?
The Cat: Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?

Lister: [Exploring a crashed starship Lister cleans a dirty sign revealing "Viral Research Dept."] Oh brutal!
Kryten: [Lister cleans off more dust from the sign, revealing "Most Gross Danger!" and "Bio-suits must be worn at all times!" A triangular warning symbol shows a man vomiting while his abdomen explodes. Lister and Cat panic, covering their mouths with handkerchiefs] There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now...
Kryten: [Looks at the device, waits, hits it on the side and then shakes it] It's never done that before...
Kryten: [Turns his back to Lister and Cat and continues shaking and hitting the device] Stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.
[Throws a dead battery over his shoulder and inserts a new one]
The Cat: [Still panicking] So what's the news?
Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.
[He shakes it some more]
Kryten: Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live.
Lister: [sighing] We're a real Mickey Mouse operation aren't we?
The Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!

"Red Dwarf: D.N.A. (#4.2)" (1991)
Rimmer: Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them. Oh, smeg, that's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 6-5000.

[an alien device just turned Lister into a chicken, then a hamster]
The Cat: What was it like, being a hamster?
Lister: Well, it was better than being a chicken. I mean, you've seen the size of an egg. You've seen the size of a chicken's bum. I was trying to say, in chicken-talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural."

Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here Kryten, what am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
Lister: What taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not.

Kryten: [Talking about his new human penis] Well, tell me, sir. Is that what it's supposed to look like?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous! That's it? That's the best design they can come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said, "Ah, there. That's it. That's the one we're looking for - the last chicken in the shop look'. Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang "Memories Are Made of This" with one of those stashed in his slacks?

Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998) (TV)
Lister: And can I say that I really enjoyed those books you wrote about, you know, sticking your hand up a cow. Brilliant. Literature at it's most... literative.
Kryten: He stuck his hand up a cow, sir?
Lister: No, it was in a book.
Kryten: He stuck his hand in a book and stuck the book up a cow? Talk about a bad read, was it a Jeffrey Archer?

Kryten: This is Mr. Harriot, sir.
Lister: I bet you got ribbed about that at school?
Ainsley Harriott: Ribbed about what?
Lister: You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH?
Ainsley Harriott: What are you going on about?
Kryten: I think what Mr. Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for "Asshole". Ass Hole, AH, Asshole.

Ainsley Harriott: I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.
Rimmer: Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.
Lister: We got some wine made from urine recyc.
Rimmer: Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.
Lister: But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?
[Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald]
Kryten: Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.
Duane Dibbley: I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!
Lister: We've got an insole...
Kryten: Er... a Pot Noodle.
Lister: Caroline Carmen's ear.
Ainsley Harriott: That is totally unhygienic!
Lister: No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!
Ainsley Harriott: [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!

Ainsley Harriott: [rushing to a burning pan] The bloody rice is burning!
Lister: Well that's not very professional, is it?
Ainsley Harriott: [angry] SHUT UP!
Lister: Keith Floyd was only fifty quid more, y'know!

"Red Dwarf: Legion (#6.2)" (1993)
Kryten: Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologize in advance.
Rimmer: Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.
Lister: Kryten, sit down. I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.

[Lister is flicking through magazine] [he suddenly grimaces]
Kryten: Is something wrong, sir?
Lister: [annoyed] Yes, there is actually. Someone's filled in this "Have You Got A Good Memory?" quiz.
Kryten: But that was you, sir, last week. Don't you remember?

The Cat: What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts?
Lister: No, I've been trimming my veruccas.
The Cat: You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush.
Lister: You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?
The Cat: Real peanuts?
Lister: Yeah.
The Cat: [eats the peanuts] Where'd you get them?
Lister: I got them a couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket.
[The Cat feels sick]
Lister: Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you?
The Cat: [nods] Where did you get that?
Lister: He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack.

Kryten: But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.
Legion: Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.
[Legion stabs himself in the hand. The others all feel pain in their hands]
Legion: The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...
[he points it at his groin]
Legion: Here.
Kryten: Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
Rimmer, Lister, The Cat: Yes, it does!

"Red Dwarf: Marooned (#3.2)" (1989)
Rimmer: So, c'mon, how did you lose yours?
Lister: Michelle Fisher, the ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf course. Par 4, dobbing to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
Rimmer: You lost your virginity on a golf course. How'd you have the nerve?
Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was midnight.
Rimmer: How old were you?
Lister: She was so good looking. If she wanted, then she could've got a job working behind the perfume counter at Lewis'. That's how gorgeous she was.
Rimmer: How old were you?
Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
Rimmer: Skateboard. How old were you?
Lister: Twelve.
Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.

Rimmer: It's about leadership. That's what I admire.
Lister: It's ironic when deep down, you're such a basic natural coward.
Rimmer: Coward?
Lister: Planet leave, Miranda? That space-bar, the Hacienda? remember that? When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.
Rimmer: That was a bar-room brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic, drunken set-to.
Lister: Which YOU Started.
Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it.
Lister: To his face. RIGHT to his face, when he was with his four biggest mates. Then you did your Road Runner act and left me to face the music.

Lister: Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Lister: Everywhere I look, it reminds me of food. Look at these books: Charles LAMB, Herman WOK, The Complete Works of Sir Francis BACON, Eric Van Lusbader.
Rimmer: Eric Van Lusbader? What's he got to do with food?
Lister: VAN. MEAT van, BREAD van, Food.

"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 3 (#8.3)" (1999)
Kochanski: This is all your fault.
Rimmer: My fault?
Kochanski: You betrayed us over that confidential file scam.
Lister: ...stole the sexual magnetism virus.
Kryten: You lied to us.
Kochanski: And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag!
Rimmer: And that's bad?

Lister: Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy.
The Cat: Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up.

Rimmer: If only I hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.
Lister: You defended yourself.
Rimmer: Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.

First Ground Controller: This is Ground Control to Midget Three. You don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code.
The Cat: Ground Control, this is... uh...
Lister: [whispers] Major Tom.
The Cat: ...Major Tom.

"Red Dwarf: Camille (#4.1)" (1991)
Dave Lister: [Teaching Kryten how to lie] OK, let's try again. What is it?
Kryten: It's a banana.
Dave Lister: No, it isn't. What is it?
Kryten: It's a banana?
Dave Lister: No, it isn't. What is it?
Kryten: It's an nnnnnnn... It's an nnnnnnn...
Dave Lister: It's an orange. Come on, say it. This is an orange.
Kryten: It's an nnnnnnn... It's an nnnnnnn... It's a banana. I can't say it!

Dave Lister: This is weird, you know. The last two human beings in the infinite cosmos and we happen to bump into each other.
Kochanski Camille: Yeah. That is weird, isn't it?
Dave Lister: You realize we have an awesome responsibility.
Kochanski Camille: We do?
Dave Lister: Yeah, sure we do. We have to rebuild the human race as quickly as possible. Do you want to start now or do you want to clean your teeth first?
Kochanski Camille: And they say romance is dead.

Kryten: Mr. Lister, sir, would you be so kind as to take Camille's bag onboard?
Dave Lister: Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say.
Camille: Why my bag, Kryten?
Kryten: Because you're getting on that craft with Hector, where you belong.
Camille: No Kryten.
Kryten: Now you've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea what you have to look forward to if you stay here?
Camille: You're saying this only to make me go.
Kryten: We both know you belong to Hector. You're part of his work - you're what keeps him going. If you're not on that craft when it leaves the hanger, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon - for the rest of your life.
Camille: What about us?
Kryten: We'll always have Parrot's.
Camille: Oh, Kryten.
Kryten: I'm no good at being noble, kid, but it's pretty obvious that the problems of two blobs and an android don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy cosmos.
Hector Blob: Are you ready, Camille?
Camille: I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryton. God bless you.

"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 1 (#8.1)" (1999)
MP Thornton: David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing the Starbug. You're also charged with having no pilot's licence and smuggling two stowaways on board with Navigational Officer Kristine Kochanski. Anything you do say now, or do not say now, may be used in a Board of Enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid?
Lister: Yeah. Lemonade and a really large scotch.

Lister: [about Yvonne McGruder] I used to go out with her you know, before you did. You didn't know that did you? Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they? Both cheeks man. She nearly wore them down to the bone.

Lister: So what's it like? This "Brig"?
Holly: Well, if I was an estate agent, I would describe it as an old-style penal establishment; abundant wildlife; 200 bedrooms, all with en-suite buckets.

"Red Dwarf: White Hole (#4.4)" (1991)
Kryten: I beg you to reconsider, Sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. Remember Captain Oates: "I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time."
Rimmer: Yes, but the thing is, about Captain Oates; the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates; Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat. If that'd been me, I'd've stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.
Lister: You would too, wouldn't you?
Rimmer: History, Lister, is written by the winners. How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk? From the only surviving document: Scott's diary. And he's hardly likely to have written down, "February the First, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept, then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash." How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh? No, much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice," while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.

Toaster: Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?
Lister: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.
Toaster: How 'bout a muffin?
Lister: Or muffins. Or muffins. We don't like muffins around here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks.
Toaster: Aah, so you're a waffle man.

The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: [minus the hat] So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat, again] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
Lister: What time phenomena?
Kryten: Like just then, when time repeated itself.
The Cat: So, what is it?
[Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister stare at Cat]
The Cat: Only joking.

Red Dwarf (1992) (TV)
Dave Lister: How long have I been in stasis, Holly?
Holly: Well I couldn't let you out until the radiation died down to a safe level. Really, you're gonna laugh.
Dave Lister: [exasperated] How long?
Holly: Just under three million years.
Dave Lister: [in shock then pauses contemplatively] My baseball cards must be worth a fortune!

Dave Lister: What's it feel like?
Arnold Rimmer: Death?
Dave Lister: Yeah.
Arnold Rimmer: It's like being at an Amish bachelor party.

[Kryten has asked where he might find the captain]
Dave Lister: Your'e a robot, right?
Kryten: Does it show?
Dave Lister: Only to a trained eye!

"Red Dwarf: Parallel Universe (#2.6)" (1988)
Lister: What are you? A man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard. The wonderful wizard of Oz.

Lister: I don't know why I'm going through with this. It's just not possible.
Rimmer: Why isn't it possible, Listy? Male baboons have been giving birth. They were doing it as far back as the 20th century. Caesarian, naturally.
[imitates a baby been born through caesarian]
Rimmer: Still, Listy. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will look after you.
Lister: Skutters? I wouldn't let them open a can of beans.
The Cat: You're thinking negative. Think of all the glorious and wonderful possibilities about having children.
Lister: Like?
The Cat: Like when they grow up and leave home.
Rimmer: What color is it supposed to turn?
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Come on, you reds.

Rimmer: [Looking at the pregnancy testing kit] It's changing colour!
Lister: What colour?
Rimmer: It is! It's changing colour!
Lister: *What* colour?
Rimmer: I's blue for not pregnant, right?
Lister: Yes
Rimmer: Good news Listy, excellent news!
Lister: Oh, thank god!
Rimmer: I'm going to be an uncle!
[Cut to end credits]

"Red Dwarf: Dimension Jump (#4.5)" (1991)
The Cat: [Lister, Cat and Kryten try to hide the fact they're going on a fishing holiday from Rimmer] What's he talking about?
Dave Lister: I don't know. For some reason, he's got this crazy, whacked-out idea that we're going on a fishing holiday.
The Cat: Fishing holiday?
Rimmer: [Reads letter from the boys] Dear Rimmer, we're going on a fishing holiday to that ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you, but couldn't. See you in three days, L, K and C.

Rimmer: I don't believe anybody would want to go on a fishing holiday when they know there's no fish.
Dave Lister: We used to do it all the time back home. Used to go down the canal. Never any fish in that. We used to go condom fishing. I swear, one time I caught this 2lb black ribbed knobbler. It was about that big!

Rimmer: You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?
Dave Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.

"Red Dwarf: Backwards (#3.1)" (1989)
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
The Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it.

Lister: [Lister and the Cat are about to enter a time hole] Fasten your belts.
The Cat: Hey, I do not need fashion tips from you.
Lister: Safety belts!

Lister: [Lister and the Cat have just arrived in the Backwards universe; trying to communicate with the Truck Driver] No, sorry, mate, we don't speak Bulgarian, you speak English?
Truck Driver: [in Backwards talk] Sorry, I'm English, are you Bulgarians?

"Red Dwarf: Stasis Leak (#2.4)" (1988)
Holly: I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.
Lister: What are you trying to say, Hol?
Holly: What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
The Cat: Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

The Cat: [to Rimmer] What *is* it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
The Cat: [to Lister] What *is* it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
The Cat: [to Rimmer] What *is* it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the Universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
The Cat: [to Lister] What *is* it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
The Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Arnold Rimmer (alive): On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...
Captain Frank Hollister: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
Arnold Rimmer (alive): - the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Captain Frank Hollister: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Arnold Rimmer (alive): Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of _mushrooms_. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a voyage to trip-out city. To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Captain Frank Hollister: Lister, is this true?
Lister: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
Arnold Rimmer (alive): The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.

"Red Dwarf: Krytie TV (#8.5)" (1999)
Rimmer: Here's another letter for you.
Lister: Who's it from?
Rimmer: Petersen. My god, it's tragic.
Lister: What? Did he die?
Rimmer: Die? Do you think he'd write and tell you?
Lister: Yeah, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy planning his funeral and everything. So, go on. What's happened?
Rimmer: Something catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.

Lister: Are you okay?
Rimmer: Of course I'm not okay. I hate your guitar. If I'd wanted to share a room with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.

Kryten: I presume you heard the news about Ms. Kochanski.
Lister: What news?
Kryten: You haven't heard?
Lister: Heard what?
Kryten: The news.
Lister: What news?
Kryten: You haven't heard the news?
Lister: Heard what news?
Kryten: About Ms. Kochanksi.
Lister: What about Ms. Kochanski?
Kryten: About Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim.
Lister: What about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
Kryten: I can't believe you don't know.
Lister: Know what?
Kryten: No-one told you?
Lister: Told me what?
Kryten: You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
Lister: What news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
Kryten: I can't believe it.
Lister: Believe what?
Kryten: I'm so traumatized that no-one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, hideously appalling news. I don't think I can even speak now.
Lister: [holds Kryten by the neck] Kryten, there's a 200ft drop down there, now tell me the news.
Kryten: She's seeing Tim again.
Lister: What?

"Red Dwarf: Pete: Part 2 (#8.7)" (1999)
Lister: Holly, we need your advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want? The long or the short version?
Lister: Long.
Holly: You're finished.
The Cat: What's the short version?
Holly: Bye.

Lister: We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet, or we're dead.
Rimmer: Keep him quiet? He's rampaging around the food decks making more noise than two yodeling champions on honeymoon. Everyone on the ship would've heard him by now.
Kryten: Sir, the crew are frozen; operating on a different time stream. Now if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no-one would be any the wiser.
The Cat: He's right. I just listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.

Lister: He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister. Isn't he? On the ball; quick.
[uses his hand to warn Rimmer that Hollister is behind him]
Rimmer: [unaware that Hollister is behind him] Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
Lister: [still pointing Rimmer to Hollister] You admire him, though, do you?
Rimmer: [still unaware of Hollister's presence] Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick'n'mix factory in his quarters; a man who has a walk-in fridge; who lists as his hobbies chewing and swallowing?
Lister: [pointing at Hollister in agony] You did tell me once before you do respect *him*, don't you?
Rimmer: Respect him? A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole; a man whose idea of a light snack... he's standing behind me, isn't he?
Captain Hollister: Yes, he is.

"Red Dwarf: Back to Reality (#5.6)" (1992)
Rimmer: I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.
Holly: I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.
Kryten: Where is it, precisely?
Rimmer: Directly above you. 2,000 fathoms and diving.
Lister: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have *lied*?
Rimmer: I *was* lying. It's only 1,000 fathoms.

[a giant squid is approaching Starbug]
Lister: It's got three alternatives - it thinks we're either a threat, food or mate. It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we try to persuade it that we're not *that* kind of oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
The Cat: And be diddled by a squid on a first date? Think of how I would be in the morning!

"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part Two) (#9.2)" (2009)
Dave Lister: What are these things?
Kryten: They're Digital Versatile Discs, sir. DVDs for short. They were very popular in the early part of the 21st century before they died out and were replaced with what we use now.
Dave Lister: Oh, you mean videos?
Kryten: Precisely. Back then no one knew that the human race were utterly incapable of putting the DVDs back in their cases. Case in point: over 2 trillion went missing in just over 20 years. Videos are just too big to lose.

Girl on the Bus: [She and her brother kneel in the seats in front of Lister. Her brother gives Lister the "Rimmer Salute"] . You're Dave Lister, aren't you?
Dave Lister: Yeah. How'd you know that?
Girl on the Bus: We watch you with dad on Dave.
Dave Lister: [Confused] Dave?
Boy on the Bus: The TV channel. What's it like having a whole TV channel named after you?
Dave Lister: [Amused, but still confused] A TV channel?
Girl on the Bus: You're pretty cool.
Dave Lister: Cool?
Boy on the Bus: You don't take any smeg, that's cool.
Girl on the Bus: And even though you're disgusting, sometimes you're quite brave.

"Red Dwarf: Out of Time (#6.6)" (1993)
The Cat: [looks through "Futurescope"] Man, this is tragic. This is the saddest thing I've seen in my life.
[takes eyes off the 'scope]
The Cat: What happened to my butt? Buddy, you can park a plane in that crease.
Lister: So what? You're bald and you're fat. That's what happens when you get older. Look at me; just a brain in a jar.
The Cat: Self, self, self, self, self.

Rimmer: Have we got any chance of winning?
Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.
Rimmer: Then I say fight!
Kryten: Mr Rimmer?
Rimmer: Better dead than smeg!
Lister: Yes! Cat?
The Cat: Better anything than sofa-sized butt!
Lister: Kryten?
Kryten: Better anything than that toupee!

"Red Dwarf: Pete: Part 1 (#8.6)" (1999)
Rimmer: Killcrazy's insane. He's always coming up with strange ideas. He reckons that if you go to the loo in a plane, it drops straight out. And that's why they don't let you go to the loo while the plane's still standing on the runway... for fear of skid starts.
Lister: He's probably right.
Rimmer: Course he isn't.
Lister: Why else wouldn't they let you go, then?
Rimmer: I don't know. They're probably helping you break up your journey. If they don't you go to the loo first off, you'll have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese.
Lister: No, Killcrazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap.
Rimmer: 'Cos of all the flushing planes?
Lister: Yeah. Well, think about it. You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out, you have to have a washable hat and leg it to your car.
Rimmer: It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap; 'cos of the noise.
Lister: The noise?
Rimmer: Yeah.
Lister: They're half a mile up. You'll never be able to hear people in the loo from that distance. Not unless you are like my Uncle Dan.

Lister: Who are you? What's your name?
Birdman: [holding his sparrow] They call me Birdman.
Lister: Oh, aye? Why's that?
Rimmer: [sarcastically] Because he really likes instant custard! Why do you think?

"Red Dwarf: Ouroboros (#7.3)" (1997)
[Lister's old girlfriend has turned up from a parallel dimension]
Kryten: [to Lister] We've lost sight of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. And we're fast running out of time.
Lister: Yeah, it's good, isn't it?
Kryten: No sir, I don't believe it is.
Lister: Why? Don't you like her?
Kryten: I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is.

Kryten: I'm going to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5.
Lister: You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you were left on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nonetheless!
Kryten: But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus!
Lister: Well, they died of old age!
Kryten: You see?

"Red Dwarf: Blue (#7.5)" (1997)
Lister: I'm losing it, man, otherwise I'd never be thinking stuff like that. Kissing Rimmer? I'd rather be bobbing for apples at the Reading festival!

Lister: [about Rimmer] I never wanna see or hear from that scum sucking, lying, weasel minded smeghead in my entire life.
Kryten: Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out.

"Red Dwarf: Confidence & Paranoia (#1.5)" (1988)
Lister: Love is what makes us different from animals.
Rimmer: No, Lister, what makes us different from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.

The Cat: Hey! You're awake!
Lister: Yeah, I've just woke up.
The Cat: Yeah, well, I've brought you some presents!
Lister: Aw, you shouldn't have bothered.
The Cat: Ha ha! Well, I'm that kind of guy! Hey, let's see what we've got in the magic bag here! I got you some grapes!
[the Cat holds up the bare stems of an ex-bunch of grapes]
The Cat: And I got you an orange!
[the Cat holds up an orange peel]
Lister: Thanks a lot.
The Cat: That's all right. Hey, well, all this enormous generosity has made me tired. I'm going to bed.
[the Cat takes Lister's pillow and blanket and lays down on the bottom bunk]
The Cat: Ah, yes, indeedy.

"Red Dwarf: Terrorform (#5.3)" (1992)
Holly: [a pod has entered Red Dwarf - Holly claims a tarantula has escaped from it] I don't want to spread any panic or alarm.
Lister: [looking shocked] What do you mean, don't want to spread any panic or alarm?
Holly: Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't you?
Lister: Tarantulas?
Holly: I mean, you've never been entirely fond of them as a species, have you?
Lister: Well, no.
Holly: And the prospect of waking up and finding one clambering over your clammy, naked, helpless body fills you up with a kind of... cold dread.
Lister: Well, yeah. What are you trying to say, Holly?
Holly: I'm saying, it may not be your night.

Lister: Kryten, you OK?
Kryten: I think so, Sir.
Lister: There's a few bits and bobs left over, but its always the same when you do a bit of do-it-yourself, isn't it?

"Red Dwarf: Epideme (#7.7)" (1997)
Dave Lister: What, you absorb knowledge from every person you kill?
Epideme: So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offense, but when you're a virus, there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your ANUS!

Kryten: Are you alright sir?
Dave Lister: I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma!

"Red Dwarf: Only the Good... (#8.8)" (1999)
Rimmer: [points to a mark on his jaw] That is a scar.
Lister: Where'd you get that?
Rimmer: From a fight, years ago. Duel.
Lister: A duel? You?
Rimmer: Not "a" duel. Duel. The old Steven Spielberg movie. A friend of mine attacked me with the video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back though. I peed in his mum's steam iron. He had yellow T-shirts for a week.

"Red Dwarf: Beyond a Joke (#7.6)" (1997)
The Cat: [about Kryten, whose head had just blown up] Life without a head. That's gonna seriously put a real crimp on his lifestyle. What can he do without a head?
Lister: Apart from being you, hardly anything.

"Red Dwarf: Stoke Me a Clipper (#7.2)" (1997)
Lister: At the same time, you're talking about a man who in the first sign of danger runs to the back room and cowers underneath the scanning table.
Ace Rimmer: Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 2 (#8.2)" (1999)
Kochanski: [after being affected by the sexual magnetism virus] I don't know what got into me.
Lister: Nothing, sadly.

"Red Dwarf: Bodyswap (#3.4)" (1989)
Lister: Oh, smeg. What the smegging smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me.

"Red Dwarf: Holoship (#5.1)" (1992)
[Lister is mocking a hologram who has just insulted the crew]
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, we have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin, absent presumed missing. Genitalia, small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest whatsoever.
Commander Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human displays knowledge of satire and imitation. With patient tuition, could perhaps master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummeling, could be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Commander Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human seems to be under the delusion that he is somehow capable of bestowing physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems blissfully unaware that we have a fairly sturdy holowhip in the Munitions cabinet.
[Binks looks scared]
Lister: And unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better become history in the next two seconds flat.

"Red Dwarf: Duct Soup (#7.4)" (1997)
Kryten: They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realizing that the whole universe does not revolve around you.
Cat: Sure doesn't. It revolves around me!
Kochanski: Absolutely...
Cat: No. I'm serious! Look at the evidence!
Lister: What evidence?
Cat: Take food: until I bite into it, it has no taste. Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me!
Lister: You, and you alone.
Cat: And here's the kicker, all the interesting things that ever happen to me happened when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here...