Deputy Clementine Johnson
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Quotes for
Deputy Clementine Johnson (Character)
from "Reno 911!" (2003)

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Reno 911!: Miami (2007)
Jeff Spoder: Johnson! Last words?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [sigh] Legalize it.

Deputy Clementine Johnson: Let me in, I don't have a key to this door.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It's open. You ok?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh, I'm in love.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey, you've got a bandage on your teat.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: A love bandage.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, I mean an ace bandage.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh my God, if I've been stabbed, I'm gonna be so pissed!

Deputy Clementine Johnson: You need to go to the store and get me some cranberry juice cuz it's gonna be one of those days!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Uh oh, yeast infection time!

Deaf Tattoo Artist: [pointing to Clementine's crotch] You got anything down there?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Actually, I have nothing down there. Just like a Barbie.


"Reno 911!: Released from Prison (#3.1)" (2005)
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Let me tell y'all about the worst date I ever been on. This was my first baby's father. We stand in this line for over two hours to take pictures. We get up to the front, and this was his dance. Get up to the front. He said, "Do you got some money?"
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [gasp]
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Do you understand me? Then the boy looked me in my face, and I said, "Does hell go with no?" But the argument was so rich. Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, I felt that we connected, and I knew in that moment when he was hollerin' and screamin' at me in that parking lot, I said, "I'm gonna give him some."
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I gave a guy some because he opened my car door for me, and I thought that was polite. So I blew him.

Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm out of jail, and I'm living my dream. You know what I realized? I'm not meant to be a cop. I am not meant to be a magician's assistant. I was not meant to go to college. I was not meant to donate blood. I am a Babylon Sister, and I was meant to shake it with Steely Dan, motherfuckers! Whoo! Owh, owh, owh!


"Reno 911!: Wiegel's Pregnant (#4.1)" (2006)
Deputy Cheresa Kimball: Carrot Top has a God-shaped hole in his heart.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Sometimes I have a whiskey and cheese shaped hole in my heart. Like now!

Deputy Clementine Johnson: On Trudy's pregnancy: Weigel's got something in the oven; I hate to say it's a "bun". Probably a gargoyle, or something with hooves.


"Reno 911!: Raineesha X (#2.10)" (2004)
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thanks to the Nation of Islam... I'm free.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Is this gonna be a problem doing your job now that you're... Nation of Muslim?
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Don't be aggressive with me, okay?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I wasn't being aggressive.
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Don't hate me 'cause I've found the truth. And now that my eyes are open, ha, you can't have me, 'cause, see, I was had, I was took. I been hoodwinked, bamboozled. Y'all have run amok!
Deputy S. Jones: Hornswoggled.
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thank you, brother.
Deputy S. Jones: Fandangled.
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thank you.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Titty-boozled.
Deputy Raineesha Williams: No.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, I support you, sister.
Deputy Raineesha Williams: I'm not your sister, cracker jack.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Whatever.


"Reno 911!: Dangle's Son (#3.10)" (2005)
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I spent my senior year making out with my boyfriend in his hearse all night. Then I'd sleep all day and watch soap operas all afternoon. Now I can't get a job frying French fries cause I don't have a high school diploma. And the only job I can get involves having yahoos like you with your hand up my skirt!