Patrick Star
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Quotes for
Patrick Star (Character)
from "SpongeBob SquarePants" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)
King Neptune: [to Spongebob] And as for you, be back with my crown in exactly 10 days.
Patrick Star: [Appears out of nowhere] He can do it in nine.
King Neptune: Eight.
Patrick Star: Seven.
King Neptune: Six
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [He and Spongebob attack Patrick]
King Neptune: Six it is then.
Patrick Star: [while being choked by Mr. Krabs] Five?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, shush!

Dennis: Finally.
[cracks knuckles]
Dennis: I got you right where I want you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Can I help you with something, sir?
Dennis: Name's Dennis. I've been hired to exterminate you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're gonna exterminate us?
[SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then burst out in laughter before wiping their tears]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Listen, Junior. You caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.
Dennis: You mean these?
[grabs the seaweed mustaches off SpongeBob and Patrick's faces]
Dennis: I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
[Throws mustaches as SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes bulge at the sight of them]
SpongeBob SquarePants: They were fake?
Dennis: Of course they were fake! This is what a real mustache looks like.
[Pulls face mask off, grunts to sprout mustach from his upper lip]
Patrick Star: Is he a mermaid?
Dennis: All right. Enough gab.
[approaches SpongeBob and Patrick, who are trembling in fear]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you gonna do to us?
Dennis: Plankton was very specific.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton?
Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.
Patrick Star: Step on us?
Dennis: Yeah! That way, you'll never find out that he stole the crown!
[SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other]
Dennis: Uhh, perhaps I've said too much.
[extends spikes from the soles of his boots. SpongeBob and Patrick tremble in fear as Dennis positions his boot above them]
Patrick Star: That's a big boot.
Dennis: Don't worry. This'll only hurt a lot!
[laughs]
Dennis: I love this job!
[Continues to laugh, only to be crushed by a bigger boot]
Patrick Star: Bigger boot!
[tries to run away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, Pat! This bigger boot saved our lives.
Patrick Star: Yay!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Thank you, stranger!

SpongeBob SquarePants: And after the promotion ceremony, we're gonna party till we're purple.
Patrick Star: Yay! I love being purple!
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're going to the place where all the action is.
Patrick Star: You don't mean...?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I mean.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Goofy Goobers Ice Cream Party Boat!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [singing] Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah / You're a Goofy Goober, yeah / We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah / Goofy, goofy, Goober, goober, yeah!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward and I...
Squidward Tentacles: [Leaving] Pass.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, Patrick and I...
Patrick Star: Hi.
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...will bring back the crown and save you from Neptune's wrath. You have nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [worried] Ohh!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You still have that bag of winds, buddy?
Patrick Star: [Shows a bulge on his backside] Sure do.
[Both laugh]
Patrick Star: [Pulls out bag of wind, but not from the bulge] Here you go.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh...
Patrick Star: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nothing, nothing. Now, let's go over those instructions. Let's see, it says here; Step one: hold bag away from home.
Patrick Star: [Holds bag away] Okay.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Step two: plant feet firmly on ground.
Patrick Star: [Plant feet firmly on ground] Right.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Step three: pull out string, releasing the winds.
Patrick Star: Check.
[pulls string; bag slips from hands and flies away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to himself] It seems simple enough. Hold bag away from home, plant feet firmly on ground, pull out string releasing wind.
[to Patrick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, let's do it for real.
Patrick Star: Uh, SpongeBob?

Patrick Star: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'M a kid!
Waiter: Here's your Goober Meal, sir.
Patrick Star: Uh, I'm supposed to get a toy with this?
[toy smacks Patrick in the face]
Patrick Star: Thanks.

Patrick Star: Can I have everybody's attention?... I have to use the bathroom.

Patrick Star: It's some kind of wall of psychic energy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Pat, it's a giant glass bowl.

Attendant #1: You two dipsticks wouldn't last ten seconds over the county line!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that.
[they drive over the line; a thief stops them]
Thief: Out of the car, fellas.
[thief drives off with Patty Wagon]
SpongeBob SquarePants: How many seconds was that?
Attendant #2: Twelve.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: ...IN YOUR FACE!
[start laughing hysterically at attendants before walking away over county line]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Feast your eyes, Patrick.
Patrick Star: What is it?
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features: Sesame seed finish; steel-belted pickles; grilled leather interior; and under the hood, a fuel-injected French fryer with dual overhead grease traps.
Patrick Star: Wow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah. Wow.

SpongeBob SquarePants: We should be there in one more verse.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [singing] Now that we're men...
Dennis: [interrupting the singing] Finally!

Patrick Star: Never mind the car, where's the road, road, road, road, road, road, road, road, roa...?
[realizes he's repeating himself]
Patrick Star: Sorry.

Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants: [after finding their car finally, they both say in a high voice] Ah!

Dennis: [about to step on Spongebob and Patrick] That's IT! I'm through with messing around! See ya later fools!
Patrick Star: [Dennis suddenly collides with a floating sailboat and falls into the ocean] See ya.

Patrick Star: I LOVE BEING PURPLE!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, no, how will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now?
David Hasselhoff: I can take you there.
[Hasselhoff comes running up in slow motion]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Who are you?
David Hasselhoff: I'm David Hasselhoff.
Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooray!
SpongeBob SquarePants: So, uh, where's your boat?
David Hasselhoff: Boat?
[laughs]

Mindy: [after getting SpongeBob's and Patrick's moustaches] So, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [are intrigued by moustaches and weren't listening to Mindy]
Mindy: Guys!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Yeah?
Mindy: I said, "Now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Heck, yeah!
Mindy: Are men afraid of anything?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Heck, no!
Mindy: And why?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Because we're invincible!
[both jump off cliff]
Mindy: [calling after them] I never said that!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [riding a swimming David Hasslehoff] Go Hasslehoff!
Patrick Star: Next stop Bikini Bottom!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Mindy turns Patrick and Spongebob into men] Huh. I don't feel anything differ... oh my gosh, Patrick, you have a mustache!
Patrick Star: So do you!

Patrick Star: [after flying in naked and crashing] Did you see my butt?

Patrick Star: SpongeBob?
[sees him walking away from the trench, defeated]
Patrick Star: Hey, where are you going?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm going home, Patrick.
Patrick Star: But what about Mr Krabs?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What about us? WE'LL never survive in that trench! You said it yourself, this is man's country. And let's face it, Pat. We're just... kids.
Patrick Star: We're NOT kids!
SpongeBob SquarePants: OPEN YOUR EYES, PATRICK! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream - we worship a dancing peanut, for corn's sake! WE DON'T BELONG OUT HERE.
Patrick Star: [defensively] We do NOT worship him!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [pulls Patrick's pants down] Patrick, you've been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! What do you call that?
Patrick Star: [starts to cry] Worship...? Oh, you're right, SpongeBob! We ARE kids!
[runs away crying, then trips over pulled-down pants]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.

Patrick Star: [Flies in naked with a parachute] Lets hear it for SPONGEBOB!
[Everyone runs away]
Patrick Star: Hello? Where'd everybody go? Did I miss something? Did you see my butt?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.
Mindy: [just arrived in carriage] But you can't go home!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mindy!
Patrick Star: Mindy?
[frantically pulls up pants before falling over again]
Patrick Star: Huh?
SpongeBob SquarePants: How much did you hear?
Mindy: I heard enough.
Patrick Star: Did you see my underwear?
Mindy: No, Patrick.
Patrick Star: [grabs pants] Did you want to?

Mindy: Good luck, Spongebob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, how did you know my name?
Mindy: Oh, I'm going to be queen of the sea someday! I've been learning the names of all the sea creatures.
Patrick Star: What's my name?
Mindy: That's easy! You're Patrick Star!
Patrick Star: [blushes and laughs, lovestruck]

[the gas attendants are laughing at SpongeBob, Patrick and the Patty Wagon]
Patrick Star: Are they laughing at us?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No Patrick, they're laughing next to us.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Run, Patrick!
Patrick Star: No. I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never st...
[Dennis swats him aside]
Patrick Star: Aaaah! Run, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry to rain on your parade, Plankton.
Plankton: Oh, don't worry about me. My parade will be quite dry, under my... umbrella!
[pulls on a chain]
SpongeBob SquarePants, Mindy, Patrick Star: Umbrella?
[a Chum Bucket bucket helmet drops on Neptune]
Mindy: Daddy, no!
Plankton: Daddy, yes!
[pushes button on remote]
King Neptune: [Bucket activates] All hail Plankton.

Patrick Star: SpongeBob, what happened?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton cheated.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Cheated?
[Now to Neptune]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Hold on there, baldy.
[Now to SpongeBob]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Oh, grow up. What, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground? You never had a chance to defeat me, fool! And you know why?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because you cheated?
Sheldon J. Plankton: No, not because I cheated! Because I'm an evil genius. And you're just a kid.
[laughing]
Sheldon J. Plankton: A stupid kid!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess you're right, Plankton.
[looks down]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I am just a kid.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Of course I'm right. Okay, Neptune, time to kill.
SpongeBob SquarePants: And you know, I've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty-seven-and-a-half seconds. And if I've learned anything during that time, it's that you are who you are.
Sheldon J. Plankton: That's right. Okay, Neptune...
SpongeBob SquarePants: And no amount of mermaid magic...
[Turns to Mindy]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ... or managerial promotion...
[Turns to the frozen Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ... or some other third thing... can make me anything more than what I really am inside: A kid.
Sheldon J. Plankton: That's great. Now, get back against the wall.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [over microphone] But that's okay!
Sheldon J. Plankton: What? What's going on?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because I did what everyone said a kid COULDN'T do! I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown BACK!
Sheldon J. Plankton: All right, we get the point.
SpongeBob SquarePants: So, yeah, I'm a kid!
[the lights go down, dry ice smoke surrounds SpongeBob, and a spotlight falls on him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And I'm also a goofball! And a wing nut! And a Knucklehead McSpazatron!
Sheldon J. Plankton: [coughs from the smoke] What's going on here?
SpongeBob SquarePants: But most of all, I'm...
Sheldon J. Plankton: Okay, settle down. Take it easy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm... I'M...
Sheldon J. Plankton: WHAT THE SCALLOP?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [bursts into song] I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [crying in bar, then sits up] Alright, get it together, old boy. I know, I'll just stop thinking about it.
[pause]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad!
Patrick Star: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager!
[SpongeBob starts crying again]
Patrick Star: Wow, the pressure's already setting in.

Patrick Star: Hey, look. Free ice-cream.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, boy!
[SpongeBob runs to the "ice-cream booth" surrounded by piles of bones and skulls]
Patrick Star: [to a skull] How you doing?
[Looks around and sees the piles of bones and skulls]
Patrick Star: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah?
Patrick Star: Make mine a chocolate!


The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (2015)
[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Alright, here comes the pain!
Burger-Beard: Hah!
[He opens a hatch and many cannons came out of the front hatch]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ah!
Plankton: That ain't good.
[He fires a cannon ball at SpongeBob, but it goes in a bubble. He fires more cannon balls, then SpongeBob as the Invincibubble gets them in many bubbles]
Patrick Star: They're beautiful.
[He pops a bubble, then a cannon ball lands on his face]

[Patrick is hitting his rock home with the word "grandma" on the bottom with a hammer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, what are you doing?
Patrick Star: Vandalizing stuff.
Plankton: Isn't that your house?

[from trailer]
Patrick Star: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick?
Patrick Star: Talk to me, buddy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm seeing a bright light.
Patrick Star: [blocks the sun] Is this better?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Much. Thank you.

[from trailer]
Burger-Beard: Attack!
[a Plankton helicopter appeared to attack the Krusty Krab, and SpongeBob is ready to aim at it]
Patrick Star: I think we have a few minutes before he gets here.
[SpongeBob flips the binoculars over]
Patrick Star: Aaahhh! He's right on top of us!
[the Plankton helicopter drops a jar of mayonnaise]
Mr. Krabs: Bar the door!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [He puts a chair under the doorknob] Got it!
[the door blows up as the Bikini Bottom citizens gasp, and the Secret Formula has been stolen by Burger-Beard]
Burger-Beard: Bullseye!

[from trailer]
[Patrick looks at a girl holding an ice cream cone with three scoops]
Patrick Star: Where have you been all my life?
[He starts eating the girl's three scoops of ice cream]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This is uncomfortable.

[from sneak peek]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [They arrived in the human world] Woah! What is this place?
Mr. Krabs: I have a bad feeling about this.
Patrick Star: [they see a foot] Maybe, this guys knows where we are. He looks smart. He's got five heads.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to the foot] Um, sir, can you tell us where to find the krabby patty?
Patrick Star: Hey! My friend is talking to you.
[He taps the foot several times]

[from TV spot]
Patrick Star: Hey, I got feet!

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe, you should get that checked out.
Patrick Star: [His eyes are holed by the cannonball] Why?

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're putting a team together.
Patrick Star: Ooh, pick me!
SpongeBob SquarePants: To the surface!

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's go, team!
[a pelican squawks at Patrick as he is pushed down, hanging to an edge of a rock cliff]
Patrick Star: I want a new team! This one's broken!

[from TV spot]
Patrick Star: What's the secret password?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Plankton: Uuuhhhh...
Patrick Star: Correct!

Patrick Star: FINLAND!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, hand me the potatoes.
Patrick Star: Mashed or scalloped?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Better make them... raw!
Patrick Star: Aye, aye, sir!
[Gives sack of potatoes to SpongeBob, who loads them in a cannon]

Patrick Star: [Licking a picture of a Krabby Patty] Does anyone have a picture of some ketchup?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'll rock him while you read him a bedtime story.
Plankton: Uh once upon a time there was a big pink fat idiot who went to sleep. The End!
Patrick Star: Nice try.

Patrick Star: Justice is best soft served.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I should've never doubted about your super powers.

Patrick Star: I can't think of a sweeter way to go.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick why are you doing this?
Patrick Star: Because I need Krabby Patties! Hurry up i'm hungry!

Patrick Star: Hey! Where'd the pirate go?

Patrick Star: Good morning Squidward i'll have the usual with cheese.
Squidward Tentacles: We're out of patties right now!
Patrick Star: No more Krabby Patties? NO!

Patrick Star: Come on Tummy. It's gonna be a long day.


The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie (2004) (VG)
Mindy: How fast do you think you guys can slide?
SpongeBob: Will this answer your question... lolololo
Patrick: lololololo

Patrick: Uh... I forget.

Patrick: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Stuff!

Patrick: [catching a Krabby Patty] Yummy. Who left this here?

Patrick: Take that, you... big... monster thingy!

Patrick: Go ahead. Quit!

SpongeBob: Do you have any 3's?
Patrick: Go fish!

Patrick: Big hair!
SpongeBob: Patrick, I think you mean "air."

Mindy: Patrick, you got all the Goofy Goober tokens!
Patrick: I did? I thought they were corn chips.

Mindy: I've got challenges.
SpongeBob: Well, we got skills. Man skills.
Patrick: We do? Oh, can I have mine now? Please, please, please?

Patrick: Help! Save me! I'm... uh, never mind.

Patrick: Fine. Leave me all alone.

Patrick: Hey! Presents!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Welcome to the Chum Bucket/Frankendoodle (#2.14)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Draws on the sand] It's a jellyfish.
Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but it's lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Everybody's a critic.
[the drawing comes to life]
Patrick: SpongeBob, your drawing's coming to life!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Now that's more like it, Mr. Critic.
Patrick: No, I mean it's swimming away.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Do you know what that means?
Patrick: Your art can never hang at a museum.

Patrick: My turn!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Be careful, Patrick. Being an artist is a heavy responsibility. Each work of art is like a child, and must be treated as such.
Patrick: Come on, I was just gonna draw a cartoon.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, why didn't you say so?

SpongeBob SquarePants: There he is.
Patrick: He's hideous! He makes me sick just looking at him. Those big, bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, and that stupid tie!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh... ahem.
Patrick: [Embarrassed] Oh, but it looks good on you, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants: He's dropped the pencil. Now's our chance. On the count of three, we'll jump up and surprise him.
Patrick: Oh, boy! A surprise party! Is it his birthday?
[Suddenly DoodleBob bursts in and lifts SpongeBob over his head]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick! Patrick! Do something!
Patrick: Happy birthday!
[DoodleBob tosses SpongeBob]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaah!
Patrick: [Gives DoodleBob a rock] Here's your present.
[DoodleBob hits Patrick over the head with rock]
Patrick: You're welcome.

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. What's with all the ruckus?
SpongeBob SquarePants: See for yourself, Patrick.
[Points to DoodleBob trapped in a piece of paper pinned to the wall]
Patrick: It's the evil doodle!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, not evil. He was just a two-dimesional creature lost in our three-dimensional aquatic world, longing for a purpose.
Patrick: So... he's a drawing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Exactly. See how happy he is?
Patrick: [Looking at a picture of SpongeBob] I still say he's kinda freaky-looking.

SpongeBob: I AM SPONGEBOB, DESTROYER OF EVIL!
Patrick: Take it easy, its just a drawing.

[SpongeBob feared that Patrick had died]
SpongeBob SquarePants: PATRICK! YOU'RE ALIVE!
Patrick: [after a pause] I am?

[Patrick has fallen into a crevasse]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick? Are you all right?
Patrick: FINLAND!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, you okay?
Patrick: LAPLAND!

Patrick: Yeeeaaa... Yeeeaaa... Yeeeaaa... Yeeeaaa... Yeeaaa... Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh!
[bowling bowl hits him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: All you all right?
Patrick: ENGLAND!

Patrick: [after getting hit in the head with a wrench] Where's the leak, ma'am?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Chocolate with Nuts/Mermaidman and Barnacleboy V (#3.12)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Would you like to buy some chocolate?
Chocolate Fish: Chocolate? Did you say... chocolate?
Patrick: Yes, with or without nuts.
Chocolate Fish: Chocolate? CHOCOLATE? CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!
[SpongeBob and Patrick run away]

SpongeBob SquarePants: We're not doing so well Patrick. We need a better approach; a new tactic.
Patrick: I know, let's get naked.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer.
[knocks on door]
Fish: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.
[Fish slams door]

Mermaid Man: You fiends can't win. You're out-numbered.
Barnacle Boy: You senile bag of fish paste. There are three of us and only one of you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Make that two.
ManRay: The Quickster.
Squidward: three.
Barnacle Boy: Captain Magma.
Patrick: Four.
The Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband.
Sandy: Five.
Barnacle Boy: M-M-M-Miss Appear.
Mermaid Man: And me makes 10. I think.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Quick, Patrick, without thinking: if you could have anything right now, what would it be?
Patrick: Um... more time for thinking.

SpongeBob SquarePants: What was the reason we bought those bags?
Patrick: Um... he said we were mediocre.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right! He made us feel special.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate] Remember, Patrick. Flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
[knocks on door]
Customer: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Looking through the magazine Fancy Living Digest with Patrick] Look at all these glossy pictures of a higher standard of living!
[pointing at a picture]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This guy's so rich he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
Patrick: [Pointing at a picture of a rich guy surrounded by bags of money] This guy's got shoes!

Mermaid Man: Now, who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Sandy Cheeks: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes you do, no world means no money, so either save the world, or you're fired!
[Squidward sighs]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Survival of the Idiots/Dumped (#2.9)" (2001)
Patrick: Hold it right there, DadMom AngryPants!
SpongeBob: What's that supposed to mean?
Patrick: I don't know. but I do know Gary knows who he wants to go with. Now I suggest you put him down and let *him* choose.
SpongeBob: Fine, but I would like to remind *him* who it was that fed him, and housed him, and sat at his bedside when he was sick, and massaged his eyestalks when his eyes were sore. Okay, Gary, go ahead, show him. Okay, Gary, come to me! Come on! Come on, Gary! Come on, come here, Gary!
[Gary turns around]
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, wr-wrong way, Gary.
[sad music starts; Gary moves closer to Patrick]
SpongeBob: G-Gary, turn around, Gary, turn around. Gary, no.
[growing sad]
SpongeBob: Gary, no! No, no, no! Don't do it, Gary!
[falls over and cries]
SpongeBob: No, Gary!
[Gary climbs onto Patrick]
Patrick: Well, well, well - I guess that answers that question. So long, SpongeBob. Gary and me got stuff to do.
[walks away]
SpongeBob: Okay, fine! If that's the way you want to thank me...
[crying]
SpongeBob: for all that I've done.
[Pat's rock falls down into place. Cut to Sponge's darkened room where Sponge is on his bed looking down at Gary's bowl. He sheds a tear into it]

[trying to open the frozen lock on Sandy's tree dome, SpongeBob pulls hard and is unsuccessful]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Tartar sauce. The lock's frozen shut.
Patrick: Here, let me try.
[walks over and extends his arms toward the door]
Patrick: Open sesame.
[pause]
Patrick: Well, I've done all I could do.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't get it. How can Sandy survive these intense conditions year after year?
Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.

[SpongeBob and Patrick see snow inside Sandy's treedome]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What is this stuff?
Patrick: It's a swirling wonderland of sparkling, white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading fluffy pillows of confort and excitement as you have never felt before.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, Patrick. That was beautiful.
Patrick: What? I was just reading this candy wrapper. See?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look what's in Sandy's bed.
Patrick: It looks like an overinflated Sandy doll.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I think this thing is Sandy.
Patrick: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.
Patrick: That's not disturbing. This is disturbing.
[Makes a face from the folds in his back and makes it talk]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. My name is PatBack.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Laugh] That is really disturbing.

SpongeBob SquarePants: All right, Pinhead. Your time is up.
Patrick: Who are you calling Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
Patrick: I'm dirty.

Patrick: I'm so cold that I'm shivering.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm so cold that I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks.
Patrick: I'm so cold that... I'm shivering.

Patrick: I'm sorry, SpongeBob, but Gary's with me now. You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past.
[Takes off pants, puts them in washing machine]
Patrick: It's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me. Right, Gary? Gary?
[Gary has gone inside the washing machine, burrowing his head into the back pocket of Patrick's shorts]
Patrick: He only like me for my shorts!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Patrick. He wanted the cookie in your pocket.
Gary: [Crawls towards SpongeBob] Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: G-G-Gary?
Gary: Burp! Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aw, Gary! I knew you'd never leave me. Let's go for a walk, pal.
[They leave]
Patrick: Gary? I thought what we had was special!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: New Student Starfish/Clams (#3.13)" (2002)
Mrs. Poppy Puff: What is going on here?
Patrick: Spongebob and me were fighting.
Mrs. Poppy Puff: [gasp] Fighting? I won't take any of that! That's it! Spongebob, I sentence you and your friend... to detention!
SpongeBob: [gasp] Detention?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: May Neptune have mercy on your soul!

Patrick: 24
[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [giggling] Hey Patrick, I just thought of something funnier than 24.
Patrick: Let's hear it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: 25.
[both burst out laughing]

Patrick: [he has been sent to get Rodger a new light bulb] Light bulb!
[he looks at the pile of light bulbs then looks up at the light bulb screwed in and going at the top of the pile of light bulbs]
Patrick: But why does it have to be so far away?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Behold, Patrick, the hallway of learning. And here's the fountain of learning. And these are the lockers of learning.
Patrick: And these are the stairs of learning, right?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, they're just the stairs. *These* are the stairs of learning.

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. Wanna go jellyfishing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry, Patrick, I can't. I have school today.
Patrick: But what am I supposed to do all day while you're gone?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know. What do you usually do all day?
Patrick: [crying] Wait for you to get back.

Patrick: Where is everybody?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know. Home, probably. Class doesn't start until nine.
Patrick: [Looks at watch] 6:20? But I thought you said you were late.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Late for being early.
Patrick: Hey! When did I start wearing a watch?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I hate you, Patrick.
Patrick: I hate you too.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I hate you no matter what.
Patrick: I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'd hate you even if that made sense.
Patrick: I'd hate you even if you were me. That's how much I hate you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: The ligthbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!
Patrick: Roger! Without it the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [the lightbulb flies through the air] The lightbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!
Patrick: [Roger's egg flies through the air] Roger! Without him the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Arrgh!/Rock Bottom (#1.17)" (2000)
Patrick: Where is "Leaving Bikini Bottom?"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Where did you see that?
Patrick: We just passed a sign: "You are now in 'Leaving Bikini Bottom."
SpongeBob SquarePants: [looks out the window] What?
Patrick: What's wrong, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob sees a sign reading "Bikini Bottom City Limits"]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I think we're on the wrong...
[bus careens down a ravine; SpongeBob and Patrick are slammed to the back by the force of the fall]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...bus!

Mr. Krabs: Patrick, you're fired.
Patrick: But I don't even work here.
Mr. Krabs: How would you like a job, starting right now?
Patrick: Boy, would I.
Mr. Krabs: You're fired.

Patrick: Spongebob, bus is here! SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [tries to run up the road] Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!

Flying Dutchman: Who dug up the Dutchman's treasure?
Mr. Krabs: They did.
Flying Dutchman: So, you two scalawags dug up my treasure, did you?
[Patrick and SpongeBob are shaking and crying]
Flying Dutchman: Well, you saved me a lot of digging, you did, so here's a reward for the two of yous.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow!
Chorus: Two gold doubloons!
Mr. Krabs: Wait! I'm the captain of this crew. Where's my reward?
Flying Dutchman: I guess you're right. Here's a little something for your trouble.
Mr. Krabs: Gold! Gold... Wait, it's just a little plastic treasure chest.
Chorus: Plastic!
Flying Dutchman: Aye, but it's based on a real treasure.
[Leaves]
Patrick: Gee, Mr. Krabs. You're looking all sweaty again.

Mr. Krabs: Now put on this pirate garb so I'm not embarrased to be seen with you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow! Look, Patrick. Peg legs and eye patches.
Mr. Krabs: Now, don't you feel like real pirates?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Wearing pegs on both legs] Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate. Whoa!
[Trips and falls]
Patrick: [Wearing patches on both eyes] I'm Blindbeard the Pirate. Whoa!
[Trips and falls over SpongeBob]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okey-dokey, then.
Mr. Krabs: A pirate does not say "Okey-dokey, then." A pirate says "Argh!"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay-do... Oops! I mean, Argh, Captain Krabs.
[He spies a reef straight ahead]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Captain, we're about to hit... I mean, Argh - Cap, Argh! - we're - Argh! - about - Argh! to - Argh! - hit - Argh!...
Mr. Krabs: Out with it, Man!
Patrick: I think - Argh! - he's trying - Argh! - to say - Argh! - that we're - Argh! about to...
[They crash]
Patrick: Land.
Mr. Krabs: Argh. From now on, only the captain gets to say "Argh!"

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm so loyal, I don't mind sleeping out in the cold, hard ground while Captain Krabs sleeps in his warm, dry tent.
Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, we've been out only a few hours.
Patrick: I know.

Mr. Krabs: So, you think old Mr. Krabs has gone crazy, do ye?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Mr. Krabs! We don't think that at all!
Patrick: I think that.

Patrick: SpongeBob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. Look! I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!
[Close up of bathroom doors show one with a question mark, the other with an upside-down question mark]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, that's an easy one, Pat. Uh, just wait for someone to come out, and then you'll know.
[a weird, unidentifiable creature comes out of one of the bathrooms]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe we should wait for one more.
[More weird creatures come out of the bathrooms]
Patrick: I still can't read the sign! I wanna go home!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Valentine's Day/The Paper (#1.16)" (2000)
Patrick: I defy you, heart-man!

Patrick: [seeing a big spinning-heart ride] Heart on stick must die!
[he attempts to pull it out of the ground, unsuccessfully. He spots a little girl with a heart-shaped lollypop]
Patrick: Heart on stick must die!
[he eats the lollypop]

Patrick: If it's not the cotton candy, then what is it? I can't take it!
SpongeBob: You'll have to guess.
Patrick: This tent?
SpongeBob: No.
Patrick: This guy?
SpongeBob: No.
Patrick: [Looking through microscope] This paramecium?
SpongeBob: Ha ha! Nope.
Patrick: You're a sly one.

Patrick: You broke my heart. Now I'm gonna break something of yours!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick. I know I deserve it. But do they?
Patrick: They didn't get me anything either.
[the others throw valentines and gifts at Patrick's feet]
Patrick: Nope, it's too late for that now... for all of you!

Patrick: You broke my heart! Now I'm gonna break something of *yours*!

Patrick: I can't find it here in the carnival
[pause]
Patrick: because it's on top of Mount Climb-Up-And-Fall-Off!

Patrick: Heart on stick - must die!

Patrick: Patrick needs love too! I defy you Heart-Man!
[Rips costume off of Valentine Fair's mascot]
Patrick: Big Heart on Stick must Die!
[Starts gnawing on the whirly-ride's pole with a heart atop it. It doesn't work]
Patrick: Little heart on stick must die!
[Snaps the stick of someone's heart-shaped candy. SpongeBob hides behind the crowd]
Patrick: Bring me SpongeBob!
[Crowd gladly hurls SpongeBob at Patrick's feet]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Big Pink Loser/Bubble Buddy (#2.3)" (2000)
Customer: [Patrick is taking the phone calls at Krusty Krabs and the phone rings] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick.
[hangs up]
Customer: [phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [angry] No! This is Patrick!
[hangs up]
Customer: [phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [shouts] No! This is Patrick!
[hangs up]
Patrick: [to himself and folds arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? Ah, Fish Paste!

Patrick Star: It was sure nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job at the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: And at $50 an hour. When I started out, I had to pay Mr. Krabs $100 an hour.

Patrick: I wanna defeat the giant monkey man and save the ninth dimension.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Me too. But that sounds a little too hard. Let's try smaller.
Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkey man and save the eighth dimension.

SpongeBob SquarePants: But you're Patrick *Star*. You could do anything you want!
Patrick: That's easy for you to say. You're Sponge*Bob*.

[Patrick has accidentally received an award of Spongebob's in the mail]
Patrick: Spongebob Squarepants? That's a funny way to spell my name.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice-cream!

SpongeBob Squarepants: [points at Patrick] YOU'RE COPYING ME!
Patrick: [imitates Spongebob and points back] YES!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sleepy Time/Suds (#1.15)" (2000)
Sandy Cheeks: All right, Patrick. Where's SpongeBob?
Patrick: Uh... Uh... He's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep!
Sandy Cheeks: All right, then tell me. Since when do you have two houses?
Patrick: Since I ran out of room to put my stuff.
Sandy Cheeks: Uh-huh, yeah. Then why does your house have feet?
Patrick: This is my mobile home.
[the "second house" sneezes and all the dust flies out to reveal the inflated SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Hiya, Sandy.
Patrick: Hmmm... the dirt therapy seems to be working just fine.

Sandy Cheeks: Patrick, SpongeBob needs to see a real doctor.
Patrick: No he doesn't! I'm taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob. Say "aah."
SpongeBob: Aah.
[SpongeBob's bad breath dries out the landscape and knocks out some scallops]
Sandy Cheeks: See? He's worse than I thought.
Patrick: [Has a clothespin on his nose] What do you mean? He's fine.

SpongeBob: [sees Patrick riding a toy seahorse] Patrick, this is a dream. You can do whatever you want.
Patrick: Yup.
SpongeBob: Look. I can turn myself into a skyscraper.
[gets really tall]
SpongeBob: I can make millions of me!
[lots of Spongebobs pop up and form circles around Patrick]
Patrick: Yup.
SpongeBob: I'm gonna go find another dream.
[leaves]
Patrick: [seahorse stops; Patrick digs a quarter out of his pocket, tries to put it in slot; quarter rolls away and goes down a drain] That was my last quarter.

Doctor: Well, Mr. Squarepants, it appears you have the suds.
SpongeBob: You're not going to make me read old magazines, are you?
Doctor: No silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hans.
[Hans takes Spongebob and uses him to clean different things]
SpongeBob: [while being cleaned by Hans] I can smell again.
SpongeBob: [after the sponge treatment] That was great, I love the doctor.
Hans: Here's your lollipop.
Patrick: A lollipop? Hey doc, I have the suds too.
Doctor: Oh yes, Dr. Patrick. We have a special treatment for you too.
Patrick: [while Hans is cleaning Patrick] Ouch, that hurts.
Patrick: What are you doing?
Patrick: This doesn't seem right.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm sick, Patrick. I'm going to the doctor.
Patrick: What? Oh no, you can't go!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why not?
Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor, and the doctor's office is a horrible, horrible place.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It can't be as horrible as the suds.
[Sneezes]
Patrick: Oh, it is, SpongeBob. First, they make you sit in a... waiting room!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Is that the horrible part?
Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read... old magazines!
[SpongeBob shrieks]
Patrick: Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No!
Patrick: Yes! It's a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh that... Pssh!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaah! No doctor! No stethoscope! No magazines! No Pssh! Patrick, I don't want to go to the doctor.
Patrick: Exactly.

SpongeBob Squarepants: [after waking up from a bad dream] Ah!
[sees everyone hovering over his bed, all looking quite irritable with him]
SpongeBob Squarepants: Hey, what are you all doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party?
Squidward: No, we are not having a slumber party!
Sandy Cheeks: Do us all a favor, SpongeBob, and stay out of our dreams!
[everyone grumbles in agreement]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Take a hike!
Squidward: Don't we get enough of you during the day?
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: Does anybody have a quarter?
[everyone stares at Patrick]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: PreHibernation Week/Life of Crime (#2.7)" (2001)
Patrick: Liar, liar, plants for hire.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's pants on fire, Patrick.
Patrick: Well you would know, liar.

Patrick: We're not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or hijacking, here. WE STOLE A BALLOON!

SpongeBob Squarepants: But at least it's warm around the fire.
Patrick: Hey, if we're under water, how can there be a...
[Fire goes out]
Patrick: I'm scared, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Pulls out two candy bars] Look what I've got!
Patrick: [excited] Rectangles!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not just any rectangles, candy bars!
Patrick: [staring with amazement] Ooh!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [hands one to Patrick] All we have to do is make them last for the rest of our lives.
Patrick: Thanks Spongebob I think I'll eat it now
[quickly scarfs it down and breaths a sigh of relief]
Patrick: I think I'll eat it now
[bites his hand forgetting he had eaten the candy bar]
Patrick: Ow!, hey where'd my candy bar go?
[digs in the sand looking for it]
Patrick: I must have dropped it!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You just ate it Pat, it's all over your face.

Patrick: [continues looking for the candy bar he forgot he ate] I can't find it!, where could it possibly be?
[looks at Spongebob holding his candy bar]
Patrick: Aha!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick: [jumps out of the hole he dug and accusingly points at Spongebob] You stole my candy bar!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No I didn't.
Patrick: Oh so that's how it is huh?, once a thief always a thief!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You ate yours
[points at the candy bar]
SpongeBob SquarePants: this is mine.
Patrick: You took my only food, now I'm going to starve!
[shows a closeup of Patrick's fat and bloated stomach full of cellulite]

[Talking about the advantages of being felons]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And you get to talk tough.
[gruff voice]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Patrick: Let me try. Uh... hey, punk.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Great Snail Race/Mid-Life Crustacean (#3.15)" (2003)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hello, Mr. Krabs. Are you ready to party?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Patrick?
Patrick Star: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay?
Patrick Star: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par...
Pearl Krabs: Stop it! Stop it, dad! You're embarrassing me!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward's last name is Tentacles?
Patrick Star: Poor guy.

Referee fish: Are you guys ready?
Patrick Star: Ah! A burglar!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Patrick, that's the official.
Patrick Star: Oh.

Patrick Star: [Holds a rock] Hey, SpongeBob. Check out my new snail.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, your snail is a rock.
Patrick Star: Yeah, thanks, I know. He's got nerves of steel.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I like looking at delicates as much as the next guy, but I thought we were gonna see more of the nightlife. You know, something that'll give me that wild and crazy feeling, if you know what I mean.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Krabs. This is just stop numero uno of our night of debauchery!
Patrick Star: Debauchery!
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery!
[Cut to Krabs, SpongeBob and Patrick picking up trash at a highway pass]
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery? I've never thought of picking up trash on a highway overpass as wild, but if it's what the kids are into...

SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you ready to go crazy?
Patrick Star: I'm already hearing voices!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Something Smells/Bossy Boots (#2.1)" (2000)
Patrick: I'll tell you a little story called "The Ugly Barnacle": Once there was a very ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everybody died. The End.

[SpongeBob commenting on Patrick's disgusting breath]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Barnacles! Patrick, what have you eaten?
Patrick: Some chicken, some roast beef, a pizza...
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I just meant this morning.
Patrick: Some chicken, some roast beef, a pizza...

Patrick: Just do what I do when I have problems. SCREAM!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [entering the bathroom] Patrick is everything ok in here?
[hears Patrick crying he then opens a stall and finds him sitting on a toilet with a paper bag over his head]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you doing in there Patrick?
Patrick: [sniffles] Wouldn't you like to know?
SpongeBob SquarePants: And why is that bag on your head?
Patrick: Why? oh no reason, except you gave me the ugly!
[removes the bag and points at his face, Spongebob then screams in terror]
Patrick: What am I going to do? I can't go out looking like this!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Just remember what we talked about, there's power in pride!
Patrick: That may fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people, now look at me!
[his stinky breath reaches Spongebob and he holds his nose in disgust]
Patrick: I'm almost as ugly as you!, I always thought if I were as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [noticing Patrick] Oh hi Patrick, I'm confused.
Patrick: Yes I am.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick everyone is running away from me, watch
[walks over to a building]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi building!
[his stinky breath hits the building and it springs to life and moves away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I just don't get it!
Patrick: [Spongebob's stinky breath hits Patrick but since he has no nose it just bounces off his face] I don't either, maybe it's the way you're dressed
[shows a close up of Spongebob's clothes]
Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants: Nah
Patrick: Maybe it's your voice
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Spongebob laughs obnoxiously for a long time] Good one Patrick
Patrick: Well maybe it's just because you're ugly
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ugly?
[puts his finger in his mouth and wipes it across his eyebrows then strikes a pose]
SpongeBob SquarePants: you've got to be kidding me.
Patrick: Better try the reflection test
[hands Spongebob a mirror]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to his reflection] Hi!
[his reflection smells his breath and reacts in disgust then smashes the mirror with a hammer]
Patrick: Ugly!

Patrick: [presenting Spongebob with his bad breath to everyone] You look at it!
Patrick: Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
Patrick: I want all of you to look at it!
[Spongebob's bad breath runs everyone out of the theater]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: MuscleBob BuffPants/Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost (#1.11)" (1999)
[SpongeBob and Patrick have broken Squidward's wax sculpture of himself, and think it's Squidward]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know quite how to say this, but I'm afraid our dear pal Squidward is... is pushing up daisies.
Patrick: Oh, I thought he was dead.

[SpongeBob and Patrick think Squidward is a ghost]
Squidward: Enough! Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today, and has decided to spare ye a horrible fate. Sssss. All you must do is obey my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Does that include...?
Squidward: Quiet! Do as you're told, lest you incur the wrath of Squidward!
Patrick: I think they make a cream for that now.

Patrick: [on Squidward] Yeah, he really needs to go up to the great beyond.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, say that again.
Patrick: That again.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, the other thing.
Patrick: No, the other thing.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, what you said before when you...
Patrick: No, what you said before when you...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nevermind, I've got an idea!
Patrick: Never mind, I've got an idea.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, Patrick, Hike!
[Patrick blows on some chess pieces, while SpongeBob carries a rock and drops it]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You just lost three points.
[climbs coral tree]
SpongeBob SquarePants: One, two, five.
[blows bubble shaped like a G and a 7]
SpongeBob SquarePants: G-7!
Patrick: G-7? King me! King me!
[runs into coral]
Patrick: I lose!
SpongeBob SquarePants: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick.
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [opens window from house] Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: We don't know.

Squidward: I hunger for nourishment.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nothing but the freshest, your ghostliness. A grape fresh from the vine, your noncorporealness. A banana peeled to your liking, your inmaterialness.
Patrick: [drops a huge watermelon on Squidward's mouth] One watermelon straight from the manure fields, your spookiness.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Art thou not pleased?
Squidward: Enough! I want something else, something hard to find.
SpongeBob SquarePants: We are here to please you.
Patrick: What do you hunger for, master?
Squidward: Cherry pie.
[Patrick pulls out a cherry pie from his back]
Squidward: Where did you get that?
Patrick: I found it.
Squidward: [throws away pie] Well, go find it again!

Patrick: [returns with the pie Squidward threw earlier] I found it!
Squidward: I'll take that!
[throws it in his face]
Patrick: Yes your ghostliness!
[licks pie off his face]
Patrick: this is fun.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Texas/Walking Small (#1.18)" (2000)
[Spongebob and Patrick were crying after Sandy sang a sad song about how she misses Texas]
Patrick: [happily] Do you think she knows the Muffin Man song?

Sandy Cheeks: Don't you DARE take the name of Texas in vain.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You mean we can't say anything bad about dumb old Texas?
Sandy Cheeks: No, you can't!
Patrick: Well, can we say that people from Texas are dumb?

[SpongeBob has shaped himself in the form of Texas to irritate Sandy]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Patrick. What am I?
Patrick: Stupid?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I'm Texas.
Patrick: What's the difference?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look, Patrick, I'm Texas: Duh, howdy, y'all!
Patrick: I'm Texas too: Get a dog, little longie, get a dog!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, your genius is showing!
Patrick: WHERE?
[covers his shorts]

Patrick: Yeah! Who needs dumb old Texas?
Sandy Cheeks: What did you say?
Patrick: Should I start running now?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Procrastination/I'm with Stupid (#2.17)" (2001)
Patrick: Look what I got. It's a note.
[SpongeBob turns it over and reveals a musical note]
Patrick: But look what's on the back. A letter.
[SpongeBob turns it over and reveals a B]

[During Patrick's parents' visit,Spongebob appears at the door pretending to be and dressing like a fool]
Patrick: Horray! The idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it!

Patrick: A-B-C-D-E-F-G...
[Doorbell rings]
Patrick: [Running to the door] H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O!

Patrick: Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. Uhhh...

SpongeBob SquarePants: After your parents find out how dumb I am, they'll realize what a genius you are.
Patrick: But don't genius' live in lamps?

Patrick: Don't geniuses live in lamps?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Secret Box/Band Geeks (#2.15)" (2001)
[Squidward is trying to start a marching band]
Squidward: OK now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.
[Patrick lowers his hand]

[the Bikini Bottom Super Band is playing to a stadium of humans]
Patrick: Those are some ugly looking fish.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.
Mr. Krabs: I think I'm going to be sick.

[Squidward tries to start a marching band]
Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [raises his hand] Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking!
[Patrick kicks Sandy]
Sandy Cheeks: Why, you...
[fights Patrick; they tumble outside, and after a while, Patrick peeks his head through the door]
Patrick: Whoever is the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick walks in and takes his seat; his head has been pulled through his trombone, and he makes a trombone sound as he walks]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Would you like to hear one of my secrets?
Patrick: Do I?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's see... uh, did you know that you're my best friend?
Patrick: No... way! Tell me another secret.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, secretly, I'm a little bit naive.
Patrick: Wow! I'll never look at you the same way again.

Patrick: That's it! You have crossed the line! As of right now, this friendship is over!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Patrick: No, you can look inside if you really want to.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, boy! this is one of the greatest moments of my life.
[Looks inside]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?
Patrick: Well, what did I tell you? Isn't it great?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's just a piece of string.
Patrick: A secret string!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, when you're right, you're right. That is some secret box you got there. Well, good night, Patrick.
Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, I should have known. It was just a piece of string all along. Wait 'till I tell Gary.
Patrick: [Laughs] Too bad SpongeBob didn't pull on the secret string, opening the secret compartment of my secret box, revealing one embarrasing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas party! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Jellyfish Hunter/The Fry Cook Games (#2.19)" (2001)
[Spongebob is wearing pink underwear and Patrick is wearing yellow ones]
Patrick: You know, these were white when I bought them.

SpongeBob: Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the Laying-Under-A-Rock-All-Day Games.
Patrick: Well, at least I don't polish my fingernails.
SpongeBob: You take that back!
[points at Patrick; a shine comes off the tip of his finger]
Patrick: Fingernails! Fingernails! Fingernails!
SpongeBob: You don't even have fingernails!
Patrick: I cannot believe what I'm hearing!
SpongeBob: How can you hear it? You don't have ears, either!
Patrick: You... you... Holes! Holes!
SpongeBob: Conehead!
Patrick: Yellow!
SpongeBob: Pink!

Patrick: Take that, Yellow Boy!
SpongeBob: Laugh it up, Pinky. It's not over yet!
Patrick: That's what you think, but it's not over yet!

Mr. Krabs: Win this for the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: [running] For the Krusty Krab!
Plankton: Win this one because I told you to.
Patrick: [running] Because you told me to!

[Spongebob erases the 'Pat' off of Patrick's nametag]
Patrick: [Screaming] My name's not Rick!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Wet Painters/Krusty Krab Training Video (#3.10)" (2002)
[SpongeBob and Patrick are going to paint Mr. Krabs' living room]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?
Patrick: No way, SpongeBob. We're not getting paid to move stuff.
SpongeBob: Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.
Patrick: Well that's what I said! We're not getting paid, and that's final!
SpongeBob: OK! We'll just paint around all this stuff.
Patrick: Good. Just don't pay me.

[SpongeBob is covering up Mr. Krabs' damaged first dollar by hanging on the wall]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, you know, just hanging around.
Patrick: [giving a thumbs down] Boo!

Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else!
Narrator: Uh-uh-uh, Squidward! Remember what Mr. Krabs says:
[cardboard cutout of Krabs accompanied by a dialogue bubble]
Mr. Krabs: The money is always right!
Patrick: The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

Patrick: [attempting to get the paint off the dollar by whacking it with a club] Off!, off!, off!
SpongeBob: Nothing's working!
Patrick: Wait Spongebob, we're not cavemen
[points at a computer]
Patrick: we have technology!
[picks up the computer and smashes it over the dollar repeatedly]
SpongeBob: It didn't work.

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, check this out! Two ordinary patties, but when expertly tossed with the skill of a champ, they become...
Patrick: ...A one way ticket to *pain*!
[smashes into Mr. Krabb's door]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Nature Pants/Opposite Day (#1.9)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Aha! I understand everything now. I must be the opposite of SpongeBob by being...
[Pulls on his nose to make it droopy and ties his belt around his head]
SpongeBob: ...Squidward.
Patrick Star: Hey, I wanna be opposite too.
[SpongeBob puts a fake nose on Patrick]
Patrick Star: Yeah, finally! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite.
SpongeBob: [speaks like Squidward] You have to act like him, too. Boy, oh, boy. Do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long, but I never get any better. Now you try it.
Patrick Star: Okay.
[Takes deep breath]
Patrick Star: I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

Patrick Star: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that.
SpongeBob: You have?
Patrick Star: No, what is it?

Patrick: [Crazy] If I can't have you as a friend, I'm gonna make you a trophy. I even picked out this nice jar for you.

Sandy Cheeks: Hey, SpongeBob. Whatcha doing? Are you having a garage sale?
SpongeBob: No. I'm giving up my material possessions to live a more natural life among the jellyfish.
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob, Of all the crazy schemes. Why do you want to live with jellyfish? They're cold and mean and none too bright.
SpongeBob: Oh, Sandy. That is exactly the kind of response I expect from someone who lives the sham of a life I once led. I'm going to prove I don't need any of this stuff to be happy. Maybe someday you'll wise up and join me. Goodbye.
[Takes off pants]
SpongeBob: I won't be needing this.
[Runs off naked, buzzing]
Squidward: He took off his pants.
Sandy Cheeks: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.
[They both leave; Patrick stays behind]
Patrick Star: [Crying] Patrick sad!

[SpongeBob appears on the horizon]
Sandy Cheeks: Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty.
[whispers]
Sandy Cheeks: Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.
Patrick: [picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite.
[on the verge of tears]
Patrick: Take bite.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Pressure/The Smoking Peanut (#2.12)" (2001)
Patrick: This grain of sand looks very suspicious. And so does this rock. And I have some questions for this little piece of grass.

Patrick: [about the person who made the giant clam at the zoo cry] When I find this person, I have a few choice words to say to him. Like "you" and "are" and "a jerk"!

Patrick: Hey, we are not chicken!
[Drops bucket of popcorn]
Patrick: My popcorn!
[Pecks popcorn like a chicken]

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!
[Spongebob screams in terror and his limbs and eyes pop off]
Patrick: This is it all the clues are coming together, I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! I'm so close to solving this crime I can almost taste it!
[shows a closeup of Patrick's mouth as he licks what appears to be SpongeBob]
Patrick: [zooms out to reveal he's licking a Popsicle with Spongebob's skin pattern on it] Boy fighting crime sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot!
SpongeBob SquarePants: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!

Police fish: [to Spongebob] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [nervously] Y-Yes!
[his upper body drops into his pants]
Police fish: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes...
Police fish: And are you familiar with this peanut?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [his pants rip open and his body parts fall out] Yes!
Police fish: One more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [cries] Yes, yes, it's true!, it's all true!, the merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
Police fish: That's all we need to know son. Book him!
[puts handcuffs on Patrick]
Patrick: Wow you guys are good, I'm the last person I would've expected, but I was looking for me all the time!, It's the perfect crime!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Wormy/Patty Hype (#2.5)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm MAD!
Patrick: Me too.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why are YOU mad?
Patrick: [looks up, and seethes] I can't see my forehead! Why are YOU mad?

[about the butterfly]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, we can't leave that monster in Sandy's house. It might eat Sandy's other pets.
Patrick: Or worse it might eat Sandy's pets.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, it might eat Sandy.

[Wormy has transformed into a butterfly]
Patrick: What is that thing, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know, Patrick, but whatever it is, it must have eaten Wormy!
Patrick: Why does this keep happening to me?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, how long has it been?
[Patrick looks at his watch, which is just drawn on his wrist with crayon]
Patrick: Aw, I have to draw a new battery for this.

Patrick: [to a bird] Whistling
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I didn't know you speak bird.
Patrick: That's not bird Spongebob; that's Italian.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krab Borg/Rock-a-Bye Bivalve (#3.9)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, look, it's a baby scallop.
Patrick: [raising his foot to stomp it] I'll take care of this!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, stop! It's totally helpless! It looks like it can't even fly yet.
Patrick: Is it stupid?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, it's just a baby.

Patrick: I get to be the mommy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I don't think you can be the mommy cause you never wear a shirt.

[SpongeBob opens up Patrick's rock to find what he really did instead of working]
Patrick: [watching TV, laughs] He got hit on the head with two coconuts!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [angry] So! This is work?
Patrick: You know it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase!
[SpongeBob opens it to reveal the briefcase is full of donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all on Patrick]
Patrick: [furiously] Ooh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [screams] OVERTIME?
Patrick: [simultaneously] Yeah, overtime, pal! And you know what else? It's always working when you're too tired to work! You just keep going on working and working!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [simultaneously] Oh, yeah, that's working! And if that's the kind of work you're doing, then show me when or where to sign up for, 'cause I've been working my fingers to the bone! You never help! Never!
[Junior's tweeting is heard]
Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, that's not a stupid noise; that's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.
[Junior is seen ready to fly]
Patrick: Oh.
Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants: [eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You know Patrick since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
Patrick: Yeah, at least until it's old enough to be on it's own. Oh, I want to be the mom!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't think you can be the mom Patrick, because you never wear a shirt
Patrick: [thinks for a moment] You're right, if I was a mom
[shows a closeup of his body showing he's really fat and hairy]
Patrick: this would be kind of shocking
[raises his arms in excitement showing his hairy armpits]
Patrick: Just call me daddy!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Born Again Krabs/I Had an Accident (#3.16)" (2003)
Patrick: I guess I'll have to find a new best friend. Hey. Squidward.
Squidward: NO.

Patrick: That penny has the most beautiful voice.

Sandy Cheeks: Don't you have to go be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until four.

[last lines]
SpongeBob: [now ripped in half by the gorilla] Patrick? Sandy?
Patrick, Sandy Cheeks: [in unison, tied in a sack] Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore, but I'm terrifed of gorillas now.
Sandy Cheeks: Oh, that's alright, SpongeBob. Us too.
SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand though?
SpongeBob: [other half] What?
SpongeBob: What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?
[the gorilla's eyes widen up in shock]
Gorilla: [nervously] Well, that's funny, you should - I mean, you see that - George, they're onto us!
George: Let's get out of here!
[the gorilla and the horse run away into the sunset as Sandy, Patrick, and SpongeBob watch them, a family is watching this as the mom and dad look at each other, the dad shuts off the TV as the screen goes to black]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Ghost Host/Chimps Ahoy (#4.10)" (2006)
Patrick: I invented something! It's a stick that you can draw or write stuff with.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's a pencil, Patrick. It's already been invented.
Patrick: Ooh! this time I really have something. A glass ball that lights up so you can see in the dark.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's a light bulb, Patrick. It's already been invented.
Patrick: This is a good one! I've invented a parallel dimension.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's a mirror, Patrick. It's already been invented.
Patrick: Someone keeps stealing my ideas!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [In mirror, speaking with German accent] Well, I thought it was a good idea.

SpongeBob SquarePants: My name is SpongeBob.
Patrick: And I am Professor Patrick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Professor?
Patrick: *Doctor* Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.

Patrick: The horrible screaming means that it's working.

SpongeBob SquarePants: This helmet looks impressive. What's it do?
Sandy Cheeks: That's my peanut radio helmet. It lets you talk to peanuts. But what good is that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Takes a peanut out of his pocket] SpongeBob to peanut. Come in, peanut.
Patrick: What's it saying?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It says, "It's dark in here."


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Grandma's Kisses/Squidville (#2.6)" (2001)
Patrick: You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.
[SpongeBob puffs out his chest]
Patrick: Now say, "tax exemption."
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.
[Both listen intently to jazz music]
Patrick: Okay, you're ready.

Patrick: Are you Squidward?
Squid: No
Patrick: [after a small pause] Are you Squidward now?

Patrick: All right, this is it. What are you going to tell your grandma?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm a grown-up!
Patrick: No ifs, ands or buts about it!
SpongeBob SquarePants: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
Patrick: Then you get behind her and I'll push.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, we didn't say that.
Patrick: Oh, right.

[Looking for Squidward in a crowd of squids]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you Squidward?
Squid #1: No.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you Squidward?
Squid #2: No.
Patrick: [to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward?
[silence]
Patrick: It's okay. Take your time.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Fools in April/Neptune's Spatula (#1.19)" (2000)
Squidward Tentacles: [after Squidward goes too far pulling an April Fool's Prank on Spongebob] Where's Spongebob?
Patrick: He's in the house. He's impressed.
Squidward Tentacles: With what?
Patrick: I don't know, but it must have been pretty good to make him cry like that.

Neptune: So, little one? You think you are worthy of being the royal fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You shall be tested in a challenge.
Patrick: Bring it on. SpongeBob can handle any...
[Neptune zaps him]
Patrick: Ouch.
Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.
Patrick: Two? What is two challenges to someone like SpongeBob?
[Neptune zaps him again]
Neptune: Three challenges!
Patrick: Only three? Three challenges is nothing. It might as well be... five hundred challenges.
Neptune: Enough!
[Zaps Patrick]
Patrick: [Now just a smudge on the ground] We'll settle for one.
Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in... the Ultimate Cookoff!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I will accept your challenge, if you fix my friend.
Neptune: Ah, yes. The round one. I shall restore him.
[restores Patrick, only he has no face]
Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
[turns around; his face is on his butt]
Patrick: SpongeBob? There you are.
SpongeBob SquarePants: How you feeling?
Patrick: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm not good enough to to cook in Atlantis Patrick, I should've never taken the challenge
Patrick: Don't give up on your dream SpongeBob, people used to tell me: "Patrick you'll never amount to anything, you'll always have your head in the clouds" Well just look at me now!
[points at his face on his butt]
Patrick: [the bell rings] Go get em tiger!

Neptune: This joke has gone on far enough!, where's my fry cook?
[everyone runs except Patrick]
Neptune: [pointing at Patrick] Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know how to cook a burger to serve a royal palate!
[Patrick points at SpongeBob]
Neptune: What? Am I expected to believe that this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof?
[Patrick shows him the picture he took of SpongeBob holding the royal spatula]
Neptune: Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the Royal tail fin! And besides it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle, there are certain qualities a royal fry cook must have.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Like?
Neptune: The Royal fry cook must be left handed
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually I've got two
[shows him his two left hands]
Neptune: [snaps his fingers as he comes up with another idea] Also the Royal fry cook wears red underwear
[Spongebob shows him his red underwear]
Neptune: no blue
[Spongebob shows him blue underwear underneath]
Neptune: The Royal fry cook's wallet contains...
[Spongebob shows him his wallet]
Neptune: His big toes...
[Spongebob shows him his big toes]
Neptune: Uh, he has six...
Patrick: [interrupting him] He is the new Royal fry cook and you...
Neptune: Silence!
[zaps him]
Patrick: [charred and smoking] It is hot in here or what?
[faints]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasps] Patrick! You hurt my friend!, You're not a king your a bully and a liar!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Help Wanted/Reef Blower/Tea at the Treedome (#1.1)" (1999)
Patrick: When in doubt, pinky out.

SpongeBob SquarePants: What is air?
Patrick: Huh?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I just met this girl. She wears a hat full of... air.
Patrick: Do you mean she puts on airs?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess so.
Patrick: That's just fancy talk. If you wanna be fancy, hold your pinky up, like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Holds up pinky] How's this?
Patrick: Higher.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [holds his pinky up higher] Like this?
Patrick: Now that's fancy! They should call you SpongeBob FancyPants.

SpongeBob SquarePants: There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, with the Help Wanted sign on the front. I've waited years for this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight up to the manager, look at him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and - I can't do it!
[turns away, but is stopped by Patrick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick!
Patrick: Where do you think you're going?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I was just...
Patrick: No, you're not. You go in there and get that job.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I can't! Don't you see?
Patrick: Who's first words were "May I take your order?"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in shop class?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I did.
Patrick: Who's a... who... Ungh... Who's a big, yellow cube with holes?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I am!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: *I'm ready!*


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Jellyfishing/Plankton! (#1.3)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. We're going jellyfishing.
Squidward: Of course you are.
SpongeBob: Wait. Don't you want to join us? We made a net especially for you.
Squidward: [Sarcastic] Me? Go jellyfishing with you guys? Oh, that would be the best day ever in my book. I would love to go jellyfishing. I can't think of anything better to do in my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...
Patrick Star: Patrick.
Squidward: Right. But I can't. Goodbye.
SpongeBob: Next time, then?
Squidward: Oh, sure. Whatever.

Patrick, SpongeBob: [chanting] Jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing!

Patrick Star: Firmly grasp it in your hand.
[Squidward's jellyfishing net falls to the ground]
Patrick Star: No, no, firmly grasp it.
[the net falls again]
Patrick Star: [Angrily] Firmly grasp it!
[Patrick jams the net into Squidward's cast]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One (#6.11)" (2009)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hail, O Swami of the Gnarly Pounders. We seek audience with thee.
Patrick Star: Plus we wanna talk to you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
Patrick Star: Not since I saw my first triple-layer cheesecake.

Patrick Star: [after the Big One eats his board] Hey, I was gonna eat that!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Scaredy Pants/I Was a Teenage Gary (#1.13)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm the ghost of the Flying Dutchman.
Patrick Star: Hmmm, there's something missing. I've got it.
[Patrick takes a tree and makes a pair of Dutch shoes out of them]
Patrick Star: Step into these babies, Hans!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward could you watch Gary this weekend?
Squidward: What's a Gary?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not a Gary... Gary he's my pet snail
[shows him Gary]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Say hello!
[shows a closeup of Gary who's drooling a lot]
Squidward: Yuck! You actually care for that thing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I love Gary!
Squidward: Well I don't, get somebody else!
[walks away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess we can't go away this weekend after all Patrick
[Squidward stops and thinks]
Squidward: Go away?
[walks over to SpongeBob]
Squidward: You mean if I watch Gary you guys will be gone all weekend?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually a three day weekend
Squidward: As in not here for three days?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah but you've already said you can't do it, we understand
Patrick Star: Don't feel bad Squidward
[puts his arms around him and SpongeBob]
Patrick Star: the three of us can have our own jellyfish convention at your house!
Squidward: [reacts in fear] I changed my mind, you guys deserve to have a weekend away!

Patrick Star: [enters Spongebob's house singing] SpongeBob are you ready?, are you ready, are you ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: For what?
Patrick Star: For the annual jellyfish in Uekele Bottom this weekend!
[shows him his net while swinging it around]
Patrick Star: Ha ha ha! Ya ya ya!
[breaks Spongebob's vase and reacts in embarrassment]
Patrick Star: So are you ready or what?
SpongeBob SquarePants: That was this weekend?
[looks over at Gary who's crawling on him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't go, I don't have anyone to take care of Gary!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Truth or Square (#6.23)" (2009)
Spongebob: Remember the day Sandy and I got married?
Mr. Krabs: What?
Squidward Tentacles: No!
Patrick Star: I'm freaking out!

Mr. Krabs: I've spent a lifetime in this restaurant, and I know there's only one way out of here.
Patrick Star: A high school diploma?

Spongebob: I get to lead? I can finally use my leader hat, and my lederhosen.
Patrick Star: Nice.
Squidward Tentacles: Those are just garters, you idiot.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooky/Mermaidman and Barnacleboy II (#1.20)" (2000)
Mr. Krabs: What did I tell you about those hooks, boy?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I...
Patrick: I'll tell you about the hooks. You ride them up and up and up, and then you gently float back down.
Mr. Krabs: And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gift shop!
Mr. Krabs: Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna, with nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise.
[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in horror]
Mr. Krabs: I want you to promise me you will never go near those hooks again.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: We promise, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: I wanna hear a sailor's promise. Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.
Mr. Krabs: [a hook gooses him] Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

SpongeBob: Doesn't look like any carnival I ever...
[bumps into a hook]
SpongeBob: Excuse me.
[gasps as he sees the hook]
SpongeBob: Stop Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick. Those are hooks. Mr. Krabs said they were really dangerous.
Patrick: [sits on a hook] Hmmm, I sense no danger here, how can they be dangerous?, they're covered with free cheese!
SpongeBob: All I know is that Mr. Krabs said... Patrick, don't do that!
Patrick: [puts a hook with cheese in his mouth] Cheesy!, no danger here, go on, try it
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: SpongeBob let me ask you something
[puts 9 hooks in his mouth]
Patrick: does this look dangerous?
SpongeBob: [screaming] Patrick don't!
Patrick: Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by mysel...
[hooks pulls him up]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, help! Oh, Patrick, come back. Oh, my best friend.
[Patrick floats down and SpongeBob runs into him as he hits the ground]
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're alive.
Patrick: Am I ever, you should try it
SpongeBob: But... What about the surface?, and your britches?, and the gift shops?
Patrick: You just jump off before you get too high.

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, you're going the wrong way
SpongeBob: I always go to work this way
Patrick: You're not going to work today, we're going to play hooky!
SpongeBob: But Patrick we promised
Patrick: Well I had my fingers crossed
SpongeBob: You don't have any fingers Patrick
Patrick: Well that Mr. Krabs is just a big dummy, we played on those hooks all day long and nothing happened to us
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: [interrupting him] Look SpongeBob are you going to listen to a big dummy, or are you going to listen to me?
SpongeBob: Umm


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Naughty Nautical Neighbors/Boating School (#1.4)" (1999)
Squidward: That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself!
[Goes to bathtub; finds Patrick inside]
Squidward: Ahhhh!
Patrick: Hey, buddy! I warmed it up for you!
Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on!
SpongeBob: [Peeking through the window] Something wrong, best friend? Oho, so this is what I find - my best friend and my ex-best friend and... rubber bath toys!

Patrick: Hey, you're a turkey!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What's that?
Patrick: It's what you are!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick: You are!

Patrick: What's pink and square at the same time?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know, Patrick.
Patrick: [Wearing SpongeBob's pants] Patrick SquarePants!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Lost Mattress/Krabs vs. Plankton (#4.2)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I've never seen so many mattresses in one place!
Patrick Star: I know.
SpongeBob SquarePants: How many do you think their are?
Patrick Star: [long pause] Ten.

Squidward: Okay, here's the plan. You two sneak in there, remove the mattress from underneath the guard worm, without waking the worm.
Patrick Star: Why not?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because that would be rude, Patrick.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [in a mattress store] Wow, look at all these mattresses! How many do you think here are?
Patrick: [looks around the store] Ten.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cool.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Hall Monitor/Jellyfish Jam (#1.7)" (1999)
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: That's "Hall Monitor" to you.
Patrick: Sorry, officer.
SpongeBob: Sorry's not good enough, Patrick. You've commited a crime, and I'm taking you in.
Patrick: What crime?
[SpongeBob points at the ice cream cone Patrick dropped on the ground]
Patrick: [crying] I'm a bad person!

SpongeBob SquarePants: It is our duty to bring this maniac to justice, but how to procede? Listen, deputy. You're an ex-criminal. What would you do?
Patrick: Hmmm... I'd get an ice cream.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick coming out of an ice-cream parlor]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, now what?
Patrick: Hmmm...
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick coming out of the ice-cream parlor again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This isn't working.

[sees SpongeBob in the distance; mistakes him for the Maniac]
Patrick: [On walkie-talkie] SpongeBob! I see him!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Where is he?
Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's where I am! He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?
Patrick: He's just standing there... menacingly! Get out of there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yaaah!
Patrick: That's his maniac shriek! He's going to attack!
[SpongeBob runs around in circles, crying]
Patrick: He's acting all crazy! Run, SpongeBob, run! Quick, hide behind that building! No, wait! He just ran by that building! Hide behind that street sign! No, wait! The maniac just went by that sign! Get underneath that street light! No! He's there too! Run for your life!
[SpongeBob dives inside a mailbox; inside, he hears Patrick on the walkie-talkie, intercut by static]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Say that again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox!
[SpongeBob screams and runs off]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Spongicus/Suction Cup Symphony (#6.3)" (2008)
Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: Uhh, I dunno. I'm funny?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I think you should see a doctor.
Patrick: I can't see a doctor. My job doesn't cover health insurance.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What job would that be?
Patrick: Exactly.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: 20,000 Patties Under the Sea/The Battle of Bikini Bottom (#5.17)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bye Squidward! Bye Mr. Krabs! Bye Squidward!
Patrick: You said bye to Squidward twice.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [grins huge, pauses, dreamily] I liiiike Squidward.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You don't wash your hands, Patrick?
Patrick: Never have, never will.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Echhhh!
Patrick: Does that bother you, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob has a flashback about he and Patrick sharing food]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Frankly, yes, Patrick, it does bother me.
Patrick: Well, I guess we can't be friends.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you saying?
Patrick: Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you?
[Licks his hand and writes on a brick wall]
Patrick: U... R... huh... How do you spell "not my friend"?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Pizza Delivery/Home Sweet Pineapple (#1.5)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I've got bad news, guys. Look at what happened to my house, it's gone. It's all gone. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah!
[surprised look on Patrick's face]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, your house is gone!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess we'll have to move back in with my parents.
Patrick: You can't move back in with your parents. When my parents threw me out of the house, I never looked back.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick SmartPants/SquidBob TentaclePants (#4.8)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Come on, Patrick. Let's do something fun.
Patrick: Would you like to run some statistics, or observe phenomena and formulate hypotheses about said phenomena?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you feeling better now, Patrick? What are you doing?
Patrick: Oh, just observing this interesting sub-species.
Plankton: [Under microscope] I'll show you a sub-species!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Club SpongeBob/My Pretty Seahorse (#3.2)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh magic conch shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
[pulls string]
Magic Conch: Nothing.
Patrick Star: The shell has spoken!

Squidward: Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic Conch: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Then how about the soup?
Magic Conch: I don't think so.
Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: No? What do you mean "no"? I'm starving here!
Patrick Star: [taking Magic Conch] Here, let me try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: No.
Patrick Star: Hmm... Could *I* have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: Yes.
Patrick Star: All right!
[inhales the sandwich in one gulp like a vacuum]
Patrick Star: Sorry, Squidward.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Snowball Effect/One Krabs Trash (#3.6)" (2002)
Patrick: How much is it?
Mr. Krabs: Five dollars.
Patrick: All what I have is seven.
Mr. Krabs: Deal.
Patrick: Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [arrives at Mr. Krabs' yard sale with Patrick] Hi Mr. Krabs
Patrick: What are you doing?
Mr. Krabs: I'm having an antique sale, have a look around
SpongeBob SquarePants: [picks up a toilet plunger] Hey Patrick look at this thing, pretty cool huh?
Patrick: That looks Ike the toilet plunger I threw out yesterday
Mr. Krabs: [takes it from SpongeBob] That ain't no toilet plunger, this here's an antique! It's um... uh
[turns the rubber part inside out]
Mr. Krabs: a 17th century soup ladle, see?
Patrick: Man was I using mine wrong!


SpongeBob SquarePants: Lights, Camera, Pants! (2005) (VG)
Patrick: I saw Man Ray drag rigling sack into the Chum Bucket.

Patrick: That sounds good and will fit right into my own selfish and evil plan!
[Laughs evily and a little crazily]
Patrick: It sounds great.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krabby Land/The Camping Episode (#3.17)" (2004)
[after Squidward is attacked by the Seabear]
Squidward: What did I do this time?
SpongeBob: I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
Squidward: Move over!
[he jumps into the Anti-Seabear circle; the Seabear growls at Squidward before seeing the circle and threatens him before moving away]

SpongeBob: I call this one The Campfire Song Song
SpongeBob: [singing] Let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song, out C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song and if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along
Patrick: [in Squidward's ear] Baum, baum, baum
SpongeBob: [singing a bit faster] C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, Patrick
Patrick: [singing off key] SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E
SpongeBob: Squidward
Squidward: [silence]
SpongeBob: Good!
SpongeBob: [singing again] It'll help! It'll help! If you just sing along! Oh yeah!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy's Rocket/Squeaky Boots (#1.8)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick Star: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I've got you now!
Patrick Star: Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's...
[He fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead]
Patrick Star: ... me that's got me.

Patrick Star: Hey! Who turned the heavy back on?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob Meets the Strangler/Pranks a Lot (#3.20)" (2004)
[last lines]
Patrick Star: Hey Mac, What you in for?

Patrick: Hey, I'm no ghost. The nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Dunces and Dragons (#4.6)" (2006)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I know we're a prophecy and all, but I don't think we can defeat a dragon with our bare hands.
Patrick Star: Yeah. We need some gloves.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [about to be arrested] Wait, you don't understand! We're not from here!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [as King Krabs] That's because you're witches who were sent by Planktanamor to destroy me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, we're time travelers.
[Krabs growls]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gulps] Help me out here, Patrick.
Patrick Star: I'm not sure there's anything I can add at this point.


SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom (2003) (VG)
Patrick Star: Did you find my lost socks?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not yet Patrick.
Patrick Star: Oh. Did they find you?

Patrick Star: Help! They're making me hit myself!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Have You Seen This Snail? (#4.3)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [after reading Gary's note] What have I done?
Patrick Star: What do you mean? You drove him away. It's right there in black and white. See? Right there. And there.

Patrick Star: Aah! It's the apocalypse! Office products falling from the sky!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krusty Towers/Mrs. Puff, You're Fired (#4.9)" (2006)
Patrick: Squidward, I don't like crusts on my sandwich.
Squidward: It's a bun Patrick. It's all crusts. How I am supposed to cut the crusts off a bun?
Patrick: Peel it!
[Squidward does so]

Squidward: A bubble bath? Why would I give you a bubble bath?
Patrick: Because Mr. Krabs said you would. Hope that you make my back extra shiny clean.
Squidward: [shouts] That's it, I've had enough.
[Walks out of bathroom]
Patrick: Squidward, wait. The toilet's backed up again.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Christmas Who? (#2.8)" (2000)
Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Atlantis SquarePantis (#5.12)" (2007)
Patrick Starfish: We destroyed your oldest and most prized possession!
[There is a pause during which Lord Royal Highness looks utterly horrified]
Lord Royal Highness: [laughing] If there's one thing we Atlanteans enjoy, it's a healthy dose of dark humour!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Nasty Patty/Idiot Box (#3.4)" (2002)
Squidward: Let me get this straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the box?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm/Squid on Strike (#2.20)" (2001)
Patrick: We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else!
Squidward: That idea may just be crazy enough... to get us all killed!


SpongeBob SquarePants: Employee of the Month (2002) (VG)
[SpongeBob, Plankton and Patrick arrive in Rock Bottom; it's raining]
Patrick Star: [overly excited; thinking he and SpongeBob have made it to Neptune's Paradise] I'm gonna be the first in line!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [concerned] Uh, Patrick, this doesn't look like Neptune's Paradise.
Patrick Star: [still excited] Neptune's Paradise, here we come!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [grows even more concerned] Uh-oh!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Shanghaied/Gary Takes a Bath (#2.13)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [an anchor swings into SpongeBob's pineapple above the sea] Holy shrimp!
[runs to Squidward's house]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! Squidward. The sky had a baby!
Squidward Tentacles: That's not a baby. That's a giant anchor. Now go away!
Squidward Tentacles: [walks up to SpongeBob]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I know. What do you think we should we name it?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krusty Krushers/The Card (#6.13)" (2008)
Patrick Star: SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy III/Squirrel Jokes (#2.11)" (2000)
ManRay: Excuse me, sir, but I believe you dropped your wallet.
Patrick: It doesn't look familiar to me.
ManRay: What? But I just saw you drop it. I am trying to be a good person, and return it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who?
ManRay: [reaching into the wallet and pulling out Patrick's I.D] Are you a Mr. Patrick Star?
Patrick: Yep.
ManRay: And this is your I.D.
Patrick: Yep.
ManRay: I found this I.D. in this wallet, and therefore, this must be your wallet.
Patrick: Makes sense to me.
ManRay: So, take it.
Patrick: It's not my wallet.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost Episode (The Sponge Who Could Fly) (#3.19)" (2003)
[they have been chased away by Old Man Jenkins]
Patrick: We'd better do what he says... he knows how to grow food.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Skill Crane/Good Neighbors (#4.4)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Squidward slammed the door in their faces] Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
Squidward: [Bursting his head through the door, screaming] YES, I WAS! *You* call yourselves good neighbors? You're the worst neighbors *ever!* You don't deserve to wear those fezzes!
[Takes off fezzes and stomps them into the ground]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee, Pat. Maybe President Squidward's right!
Patrick Star: Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
Squidward: [Exploding once more] No, you aren't! You're *horrible* neighbors!
[hyperventilates]
Squidward: And stop calling me President!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [despondent] Come on, Let's go.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Graveyard Shift/Krusty Love (#2.16)" (2002)
Squidward: This is ridiculous! Who wants a krabby patty at three in the morning?
[cutaway to Patrick sleeping in his bed, alarm goes off]
Patrick Star: Oh, boy! Three AM!
[eats patty]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: That Sinking Feeling/Karate Star (#7.18)" (2010)
Patrick Star: No need to thank us.
Squidward: [enraged] THANK YOU?
Patrick Star: You're welcome.
[he ducks as Squidward tries to grab him]
Patrick Star: Miss.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Tentacle-Vision/I Heart Dancing (#7.1)" (2009)
Patrick: [moving the TV camera up and down] Upsy-daisy... downsy-wownsy...


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Your Shoe's Untied/Squid's Day Off (#2.2)" (2000)
[Squidward runs down the street naked]
Squidward: The truth will be revealed!
Patrick: Woo hoo! All right, Squidward!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy IV/Doing Time (#3.5)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [about using Mermaid Man's belt to return Squidward to normal size] If only I knew how to work this thing!
Patrick Star: Let me take a look at it.
[looks at the belt for a while]
Patrick Star: Hmmm, you know what the problem is?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick Star: You got it set to "M" for mini, when it should be set to "W" for wumbo
[turns the M on the belt upside down]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Partrick I don't think wumbo is a real word
Patrick Star: Oh come on SpongeBob! You know, I wumbo, You wumbo, He she me wumbo, wumbo, Wumboing, We'll have thee wumbo, Wumborama, Wumbology, The study of wumbo? It's first grade SpongeBob!
Squidward Tentacles: [looking down while he is being held in Patrick's hand] I wonder if a fall from this height could be enough to kill me?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy/Pickles (#1.6)" (1999)
Mermaid Man: If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Orderly: What is going on in here?
Mermaid Man: [Points at SpongeBob] You may kiss the bride!
[SpongeBob is kicked out of the retirement home and rolls back home]
Patrick Star: Did you reunite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No, but I'm married.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: No Weenies Allowed/Squilliam Returns (#3.8)" (2002)
Squidward Tentacles: Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
Patrick Star: You mean like a weenie? Okay!
[Patrick's eyes big and he talks in a goofy voice]
Patrick Star: May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
Squidward Tentacles: All right, I've heard enough. You got the job.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: BubbleStand/Ripped Pants (#1.2)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. Would you like to blow a bubble?
Patrick Star: How much is it?
SpongeBob: One quarter.
Patrick Star: Sounds reasonable. Uhh...
[whispering]
Patrick Star: I'm going to have to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Here you go.
[Hands Patrick a quarter]
Patrick Star: Ah, one quarter.
[Gives it back to SpongeBob; he tests it to see if it's real, then puts it in his pocket]
SpongeBob: Thank you.
Squidward: Hmm. Business is booming.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Thing/Hocus Pocus (#4.16)" (2007)
Patrick: [on phone] Hello, Animal Control? There's a wild animal inside my house! Sure, I'll hold.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: No Free Rides/I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (#2.10)" (2001)
[they are at the jellyfish convention]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cool state of the art jellyfish nets!
Patrick: [touches] Touch.
Security: Don't touch.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow! The harpoon from Jellyfish: The Movie!
Patrick: [touches] Touch.
Security: Don't touch!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Look! Dr. Manowar! The guy who got stung by Big Lenny and lived!
Dr. Manowar: ...And now it only hurts when you touch it.
[Patrick touches, doctor screams]
Patrick: Touch.
Security: Do I have to follow you all day?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Rise and Shine/Waiting/Fungus Among Us (#5.3)" (2007)
Patrick Star: I got to put on my teeth and brush my pants!