SpongeBob SquarePants
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Quotes for
SpongeBob SquarePants (Character)
from "SpongeBob SquarePants" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)
King Neptune: [to Spongebob] And as for you, be back with my crown in exactly 10 days.
Patrick Star: [Appears out of nowhere] He can do it in nine.
King Neptune: Eight.
Patrick Star: Seven.
King Neptune: Six
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [He and Spongebob attack Patrick]
King Neptune: Six it is then.
Patrick Star: [while being choked by Mr. Krabs] Five?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, shush!

Dennis: Finally.
[cracks knuckles]
Dennis: I got you right where I want you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Can I help you with something, sir?
Dennis: Name's Dennis. I've been hired to exterminate you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're gonna exterminate us?
[SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then burst out in laughter before wiping their tears]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Listen, Junior. You caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.
Dennis: You mean these?
[grabs the seaweed mustaches off SpongeBob and Patrick's faces]
Dennis: I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
[Throws mustaches as SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes bulge at the sight of them]
SpongeBob SquarePants: They were fake?
Dennis: Of course they were fake! This is what a real mustache looks like.
[Pulls face mask off, grunts to sprout mustach from his upper lip]
Patrick Star: Is he a mermaid?
Dennis: All right. Enough gab.
[approaches SpongeBob and Patrick, who are trembling in fear]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you gonna do to us?
Dennis: Plankton was very specific.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton?
Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.
Patrick Star: Step on us?
Dennis: Yeah! That way, you'll never find out that he stole the crown!
[SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other]
Dennis: Uhh, perhaps I've said too much.
[extends spikes from the soles of his boots. SpongeBob and Patrick tremble in fear as Dennis positions his boot above them]
Patrick Star: That's a big boot.
Dennis: Don't worry. This'll only hurt a lot!
[laughs]
Dennis: I love this job!
[Continues to laugh, only to be crushed by a bigger boot]
Patrick Star: Bigger boot!
[tries to run away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, Pat! This bigger boot saved our lives.
Patrick Star: Yay!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Thank you, stranger!

SpongeBob SquarePants: And after the promotion ceremony, we're gonna party till we're purple.
Patrick Star: Yay! I love being purple!
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're going to the place where all the action is.
Patrick Star: You don't mean...?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I mean.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Goofy Goobers Ice Cream Party Boat!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [singing] Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah / You're a Goofy Goober, yeah / We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah / Goofy, goofy, Goober, goober, yeah!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [didn't get the promotion] I'm ready. Depression.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Get it together old boy.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward and I...
Squidward Tentacles: [Leaving] Pass.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, Patrick and I...
Patrick Star: Hi.
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...will bring back the crown and save you from Neptune's wrath. You have nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [worried] Ohh!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [at podium] People of Bikini Bottom, as manager of...
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hold the phone, everybody. I'm getting an urgent news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go ahead, Mr. K.
[Mr. Krabs whispers]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm making a complete what of myself?
[Mr. Krabs whispers again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: The most embarassing thing you've ever seen?
[Mr. Krabs whispers again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob! You didn't get the job!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [final scene] Mr. Squidward, front and center! I think we both know who rightfully deserves to wear that manager pin.
Squidward Tentacles: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Fish: Hooray for SpongeBob!
[Crowd cheers]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait a second, everybody. There's something I need to say first. I just don't know how to put it.
Squidward Tentacles: I think I know what it is. After going on your life-changing journey, you now realise that you don't want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you all along.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you crazy? I was just going to say that your fly was down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my LIFE!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You still have that bag of winds, buddy?
Patrick Star: [Shows a bulge on his backside] Sure do.
[Both laugh]
Patrick Star: [Pulls out bag of wind, but not from the bulge] Here you go.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh...
Patrick Star: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nothing, nothing. Now, let's go over those instructions. Let's see, it says here; Step one: hold bag away from home.
Patrick Star: [Holds bag away] Okay.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Step two: plant feet firmly on ground.
Patrick Star: [Plant feet firmly on ground] Right.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Step three: pull out string, releasing the winds.
Patrick Star: Check.
[pulls string; bag slips from hands and flies away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to himself] It seems simple enough. Hold bag away from home, plant feet firmly on ground, pull out string releasing wind.
[to Patrick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, let's do it for real.
Patrick Star: Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I am 100-percent MAN! And this MAN has got something to say to you!
[blows Mr. Krabs a long raspberry]
SpongeBob SquarePants: There! I think I made my point.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [to Patrick, about driving the Patty Wagon] You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

SpongeBob SquarePants: For your information, we are not kids, we are men.

Patrick Star: It's some kind of wall of psychic energy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Pat, it's a giant glass bowl.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Doesn't it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown?
King Neptune: You don't understand. The crown is a symbol of my king-like authority. And, uh, between you and me... my hair is thinning a bit.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, Your Majesty, I'm sure it's not that noticea...
[Sees Neptune's bald head]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bald! Bald! Bald!
Crowd: BALD! BALD BALD! BALD! BALD!
Fish: MY EYES!
King Neptune: All right, all right!

Attendant #1: You two dipsticks wouldn't last ten seconds over the county line!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that.
[they drive over the line; a thief stops them]
Thief: Out of the car, fellas.
[thief drives off with Patty Wagon]
SpongeBob SquarePants: How many seconds was that?
Attendant #2: Twelve.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: ...IN YOUR FACE!
[start laughing hysterically at attendants before walking away over county line]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Feast your eyes, Patrick.
Patrick Star: What is it?
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features: Sesame seed finish; steel-belted pickles; grilled leather interior; and under the hood, a fuel-injected French fryer with dual overhead grease traps.
Patrick Star: Wow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah. Wow.

SpongeBob SquarePants: We should be there in one more verse.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [singing] Now that we're men...
Dennis: [interrupting the singing] Finally!

Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants: [after finding their car finally, they both say in a high voice] Ah!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [the diver's boot floats onto Hasselhoff's leg. From the bottom, Dennis emerges] Ah! Dennis!
Dennis: Did you miss me?

[Last Lines]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to squidward] Are you crazy? I was just gonna say that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Take it easy, friend, I'm the manager of this establishment. Everything's gonna be juust fine.
Phil: I'm really scared here, man.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You got a name?
Phil: Phil
SpongeBob SquarePants: You got a family Phil?
Phil: [can't speak, too scared]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [snapping his fingers] Come on Phil, stay with me, lets hear about that family!
Phil: I got a wife, and two beautiful children
SpongeBob SquarePants: Thats what it's all about. I want you to do me a favour Phil.
Phil: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Say cheese.
[Slowly places the cheese in the Krabby Patty while a sound like a heartrate monitor starts speeding up in the backround]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [after coming out of the Krusty Krab restaurant with the now smiling Phil holding a Krabby Patty with cheese] Order Up!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, no, how will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now?
David Hasselhoff: I can take you there.
[Hasselhoff comes running up in slow motion]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Who are you?
David Hasselhoff: I'm David Hasselhoff.
Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooray!
SpongeBob SquarePants: So, uh, where's your boat?
David Hasselhoff: Boat?
[laughs]

Mindy: [after getting SpongeBob's and Patrick's moustaches] So, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [are intrigued by moustaches and weren't listening to Mindy]
Mindy: Guys!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Yeah?
Mindy: I said, "Now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Heck, yeah!
Mindy: Are men afraid of anything?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Heck, no!
Mindy: And why?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Because we're invincible!
[both jump off cliff]
Mindy: [calling after them] I never said that!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [riding a swimming David Hasslehoff] Go Hasslehoff!
Patrick Star: Next stop Bikini Bottom!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you on your way to the grand opening ceremony?
Plankton: No, I'm not on my way to the grand opening ceremony. I'm busy planning to rule the world!
[laughs evilly]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [cheerfully] Well, good luck with that!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Mindy turns Patrick and Spongebob into men] Huh. I don't feel anything differ... oh my gosh, Patrick, you have a mustache!
Patrick Star: So do you!

Patrick Star: SpongeBob?
[sees him walking away from the trench, defeated]
Patrick Star: Hey, where are you going?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm going home, Patrick.
Patrick Star: But what about Mr Krabs?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What about us? WE'LL never survive in that trench! You said it yourself, this is man's country. And let's face it, Pat. We're just... kids.
Patrick Star: We're NOT kids!
SpongeBob SquarePants: OPEN YOUR EYES, PATRICK! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream - we worship a dancing peanut, for corn's sake! WE DON'T BELONG OUT HERE.
Patrick Star: [defensively] We do NOT worship him!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [pulls Patrick's pants down] Patrick, you've been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! What do you call that?
Patrick Star: [starts to cry] Worship...? Oh, you're right, SpongeBob! We ARE kids!
[runs away crying, then trips over pulled-down pants]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: But before we begin the ribbon-cutting, I'd like to announce the name of our new manager!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [clapping rapidly] Yeah! Yeah! OWW! OW-HOWW! Yeah, now we're talking! Yeah! OWWW! Shhh!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob! You didn't get the job!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [shocked] What?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: You... did not... get... the job!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sadly] But... but why?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Ah, SpongeBob. You're a great frycook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it. He's more... mature than you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm not... mature?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Ah, lad. I mean this in the nicest of ways. But there's a word for what you are, and that word is... now, let's see...
Fish 1: Dork?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: No, wait, that's not right, not a dork, uh...
Pearl: A goofball?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no.
Fish 2: A ding-a-ling!
Fish 3: Wingnut!
Old Lady: A Knucklehead McSpazatron!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [angrily] Okay, that's enough!
[back to SpongeBob]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man! Otherwise they'd call it "kidager!" You understandager- I mean, you understand?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [quietly, now miserable] I guess so, Mr Krabs.
[starts to walk away]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready... depression... I'm ready... depression...
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Poor kid.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.
Mindy: [just arrived in carriage] But you can't go home!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mindy!
Patrick Star: Mindy?
[frantically pulls up pants before falling over again]
Patrick Star: Huh?
SpongeBob SquarePants: How much did you hear?
Mindy: I heard enough.
Patrick Star: Did you see my underwear?
Mindy: No, Patrick.
Patrick Star: [grabs pants] Did you want to?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [to Dennis on Hasselhoff's leg] I don't know what Plankton's paying you... But maybe these can make it worth your while.
Dennis: You think I can be bought with five... what are these?
SpongeBob SquarePants: That, sir, is five Goober dollars, legal tender at any participating Goofy Goober.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [having jumped from leg to leg on David Hasselhoff's body] Yeah! I did it!
Dennis: [Dennis jumps and makes it] You've got guts, kid. Too bad I gotta rip em out of you!
[makes a gesture like pulling guts out of one's body]

Squidward Tentacles: [Finds SpongeBob in his shower with him] SpongeBob! What are you DOING in here?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I have to tell you something, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work?
SpongeBob SquarePants: There's no shower at work.
Squidward Tentacles: What do you WANT?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I just wanted to let you know I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.
Squidward Tentacles: [shouts] GET OUT!
[kicks SpongeBob out of the window]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [cheerfully, on the ground] Okay! I'll see you at the ceremony!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [pulling up to the gas station with Patrick in the patty wagon - a hamburger on wheels] Fill her up, please.
Attendant #1: [looking at the patty wagon slightly bemused] What'll it be, fellas? Mustard or ketchup?

Mindy: Good luck, Spongebob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, how did you know my name?
Mindy: Oh, I'm going to be queen of the sea someday! I've been learning the names of all the sea creatures.
Patrick Star: What's my name?
Mindy: That's easy! You're Patrick Star!
Patrick Star: [blushes and laughs, lovestruck]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Cleanliness is next to managerliness.

[the gas attendants are laughing at SpongeBob, Patrick and the Patty Wagon]
Patrick Star: Are they laughing at us?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No Patrick, they're laughing next to us.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready! Promotion! I'm ready! Promotion!...

Plankton: [Spongebob is running after stepping on Plankton] OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Eww, I think I stepped in something.
Plankton: Not in something, ON SOMEONE, you twit!

Waiter: [slowly swims into SpongeBob's vision as he wakes up] Hey. Hey, get up! Hey, c'mon, buddy, I wanna go home. C'mon, pal!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sits up, thoroughly hungover] Ugh. Bleugh... ohhh, my head...
Waiter: Listen to me, it's eight in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get going!
SpongeBob SquarePants: My
[belch]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...friend?
[notices Patrick lying under a collapsed table]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick! Hey wassup, buddy?
[falls over]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait. You said eight-o'clock. I'm late for work! Mr Krabs is gonna be...
[remembers what happened the day before, face switches from horror to anger]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr Krabs...

SpongeBob SquarePants: Run, Patrick!
Patrick Star: No. I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never st...
[Dennis swats him aside]
Patrick Star: Aaaah! Run, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry to rain on your parade, Plankton.
Plankton: Oh, don't worry about me. My parade will be quite dry, under my... umbrella!
[pulls on a chain]
SpongeBob SquarePants, Mindy, Patrick Star: Umbrella?
[a Chum Bucket bucket helmet drops on Neptune]
Mindy: Daddy, no!
Plankton: Daddy, yes!
[pushes button on remote]
King Neptune: [Bucket activates] All hail Plankton.

Patrick Star: SpongeBob, what happened?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton cheated.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Cheated?
[Now to Neptune]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Hold on there, baldy.
[Now to SpongeBob]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Oh, grow up. What, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground? You never had a chance to defeat me, fool! And you know why?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because you cheated?
Sheldon J. Plankton: No, not because I cheated! Because I'm an evil genius. And you're just a kid.
[laughing]
Sheldon J. Plankton: A stupid kid!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess you're right, Plankton.
[looks down]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I am just a kid.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Of course I'm right. Okay, Neptune, time to kill.
SpongeBob SquarePants: And you know, I've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty-seven-and-a-half seconds. And if I've learned anything during that time, it's that you are who you are.
Sheldon J. Plankton: That's right. Okay, Neptune...
SpongeBob SquarePants: And no amount of mermaid magic...
[Turns to Mindy]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ... or managerial promotion...
[Turns to the frozen Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ... or some other third thing... can make me anything more than what I really am inside: A kid.
Sheldon J. Plankton: That's great. Now, get back against the wall.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [over microphone] But that's okay!
Sheldon J. Plankton: What? What's going on?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because I did what everyone said a kid COULDN'T do! I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown BACK!
Sheldon J. Plankton: All right, we get the point.
SpongeBob SquarePants: So, yeah, I'm a kid!
[the lights go down, dry ice smoke surrounds SpongeBob, and a spotlight falls on him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And I'm also a goofball! And a wing nut! And a Knucklehead McSpazatron!
Sheldon J. Plankton: [coughs from the smoke] What's going on here?
SpongeBob SquarePants: But most of all, I'm...
Sheldon J. Plankton: Okay, settle down. Take it easy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm... I'M...
Sheldon J. Plankton: WHAT THE SCALLOP?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [bursts into song] I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [crying in bar, then sits up] Alright, get it together, old boy. I know, I'll just stop thinking about it.
[pause]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad!
Patrick Star: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager!
[SpongeBob starts crying again]
Patrick Star: Wow, the pressure's already setting in.

Patrick Star: Hey, look. Free ice-cream.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, boy!
[SpongeBob runs to the "ice-cream booth" surrounded by piles of bones and skulls]
Patrick Star: [to a skull] How you doing?
[Looks around and sees the piles of bones and skulls]
Patrick Star: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah?
Patrick Star: Make mine a chocolate!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [drunk from too much ice cream] All right folks, this one goes out to my two bestest friends in the whole world: Patrick, and this big peanut guy! It's a little ditty called..."WAITER!"

SpongeBob SquarePants: Talk to me, Krabs.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: It started out as a simple order. A Krabby Patty with cheese. When the customer took a bite, NO CHEESE!
[cries]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [slaps Mr. Krabs] Get a hold of yourself, Eugene.
[narrows eyes]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm going in.


The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (2015)
[from trailer]
[SpongeBob is playing two keyboards of a tiny piano over and over again]
Plankton: Will you stop playing that tiny piano?
[SpongeBob stops playing and hides the tiny piano behind his back ]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry.

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: A giant hairy porpoise's beached!
Mr. Krabs: We need to get these guys back in the water.
[the gang tries to roll a human in the ocean, but it landed on them in the sand]
Squidward Tentacles: Ew, this place smells awful!

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Alright, here comes the pain!
Burger-Beard: Hah!
[He opens a hatch and many cannons came out of the front hatch]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ah!
Plankton: That ain't good.
[He fires a cannon ball at SpongeBob, but it goes in a bubble. He fires more cannon balls, then SpongeBob as the Invincibubble gets them in many bubbles]
Patrick Star: They're beautiful.
[He pops a bubble, then a cannon ball lands on his face]

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Superawesomeness, take him down.
[Patrick uses his mind to control ice cream at him, he holds two ice creams as thunder crashes, but Patrick starts eating them]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe, we should've picked a better superpower for you, Patrick.

[Patrick is hitting his rock home with the word "grandma" on the bottom with a hammer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, what are you doing?
Patrick Star: Vandalizing stuff.
Plankton: Isn't that your house?

[from trailer]
Patrick Star: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick?
Patrick Star: Talk to me, buddy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm seeing a bright light.
Patrick Star: [blocks the sun] Is this better?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Much. Thank you.

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cotton candy.
Sandy Cheeks: If you ate all of that, you'll have enough energy to run around the whole world.
[SpongeBob and Patrick ate the cotton candy, starts going hyper, and starts laughing as they run all over the world, but Sandy throws a travel card away as SpongeBob and Patrick are still laughing]
Squidward Tentacles: Ahh! When is the sugar gonna wear off?
[SpongeBob and Patrick fell down front]

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Krabby Patties!
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing with me formula?
Burger-Beard: You mean...
[he sets up his restaurant]
Burger-Beard: *me* formula!

[in sneak peek]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Give me that!
Plankton: Come on, SpongeBob, join me and we'll be rich and powerful until I eventually betray you!
[They're struggling for the Secret Formula]
Plankton: Join me!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No! Never! I'm on Team Krabs for life!
Mr. Krabs: [He muster the metal shutters open to get in] PLANKTON!
[SpongeBob and Plankton continue to struggle for the Krabby Patty Secret Forumla until it magically disappeared]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What? Where'd it go?
Plankton: [in thoughts] Wait a minute, molecular deconstruction? I proved that to be a scientific impossibility seven times!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [in thoughts] Wait a minute, I think I forgot to empty Gary's litter box today.

[from sneak peek]
Mr. Krabs: Where's me formula, Plankton?
Plankton: I... I don't know. It just disappeared
Mr. Krabs: Why should I believe you, you lying liar?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Normally, I'd agree with you, Mr. Krabs, but this time, he's telling the truth! It just vanished!
Plankton: It's true!

[from trailer]
Burger-Beard: Attack!
[a Plankton helicopter appeared to attack the Krusty Krab, and SpongeBob is ready to aim at it]
Patrick Star: I think we have a few minutes before he gets here.
[SpongeBob flips the binoculars over]
Patrick Star: Aaahhh! He's right on top of us!
[the Plankton helicopter drops a jar of mayonnaise]
Mr. Krabs: Bar the door!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [He puts a chair under the doorknob] Got it!
[the door blows up as the Bikini Bottom citizens gasp, and the Secret Formula has been stolen by Burger-Beard]
Burger-Beard: Bullseye!

[from trailer]
[Patrick looks at a girl holding an ice cream cone with three scoops]
Patrick Star: Where have you been all my life?
[He starts eating the girl's three scoops of ice cream]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This is uncomfortable.

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: There's the book! Now, it's our turn to rewrite the story.

[from sneak peek]
Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs, the customers are getting restless.
[the customers are yelling "refunds!"]
Mr. Krabs: Listen up, boy get in there and make me customers some krabby patties.
[SpongeBob screams like a girl when he finds out there are no krabby patties there]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What's wrong, boy?
[He opens the freezer door a little, and he screamed like a girl as well]
Mr. Krabs: We're out of krabby patties?
SpongeBob SquarePants: How can we make more krabby patties without the secret formula?
Mr. Krabs: You've got to have that formuler memorized by now.
SpongeBob SquarePants: But as you are aware, sir, the Employee Handbook clearly states, and I quote, "No employee may in part, or in whole, commit the Krabby Patty secret formula to any recorded, written, or visual form, including memories, dreams, and/or needlepoint".
Mr. Krabs: [He sobbed] Oh, curse you, fine print!

[from sneak peek]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [They arrived in the human world] Woah! What is this place?
Mr. Krabs: I have a bad feeling about this.
Patrick Star: [they see a foot] Maybe, this guys knows where we are. He looks smart. He's got five heads.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to the foot] Um, sir, can you tell us where to find the krabby patty?
Patrick Star: Hey! My friend is talking to you.
[He taps the foot several times]

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe, you should get that checked out.
Patrick Star: [His eyes are holed by the cannonball] Why?

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're putting a team together.
Patrick Star: Ooh, pick me!
SpongeBob SquarePants: To the surface!

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's go, team!
[a pelican squawks at Patrick as he is pushed down, hanging to an edge of a rock cliff]
Patrick Star: I want a new team! This one's broken!

[from TV spot]
Patrick Star: What's the secret password?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Plankton: Uuuhhhh...
Patrick Star: Correct!

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: If you're from the future, what am I going to say next?
Plankton: Something moronic?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow.

[from TV spot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Look out!
[a boy on his skateboard hits a pole and falls down]
Sandy Cheeks: Aw, nuts!

[from preview]
SpongeBob SquarePants: We'll take one secret formula to go! Clear the area, citizens. There's gonna be some serious aft kicking here.
[a boy takes a picture of SpongeBob and his friends on his phone]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sour Note!
[Squidward magically unleashes a clarinet and starts playing a really louder note which made the customers covering their ears and leave]
Burger-Beard: No, wait, wait! Customers! No wait, please!

SpongeBob SquarePants: We'll take one secret formula to go. Clear the area, citizens! There's gonna be some serious aft-kicking here!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, hand me the potatoes.
Patrick Star: Mashed or scalloped?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Better make them... raw!
Patrick Star: Aye, aye, sir!
[Gives sack of potatoes to SpongeBob, who loads them in a cannon]

Plankton: [nervous]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Krabs, I'm telling you, he's innocent.
Plankton: What are you going to do Krabs? Pour hot oil on me, or put bamboo shoots under my nails?
Mr. Krabs: No, knock knock.
Plankton: Knock knock jokes? I could do this all day Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Knock knock.
Plankton: Oh boy, who's there?
Mr. Krabs: Jimmy.
Plankton: Jimmy who?
Mr. Krabs: Jimmy BACK MY FORMULER, PLANKTON!
Plankton: Well, that's stupid but how is that torture?
Mr. Krabs: Hee hee hee. You'll see.
[Mr. Krabs puts on headphones]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Jimmy, back my formula, hmm. Ooooooooh, I get it!
[SpongeBob starts laughing]
Plankton: [while he hears SpongeBob laughing, he screams]
Mr. Krabs: [still has headphones on and ignores everything]
Plankton: [SpongeBob continues to laugh and Plankton is screaming] Oh make it stop Krabs, make it stop!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'll rock him while you read him a bedtime story.
Plankton: Uh once upon a time there was a big pink fat idiot who went to sleep. The End!
Patrick Star: Nice try.

Patrick Star: Justice is best soft served.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I should've never doubted about your super powers.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy? Is that you?
Sandy Cheeks: You can call me The Rodent!

Burger-Beard: I'm gonna scrub my armpits with you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't get it.
Squidward Tentacles: Because you're a sponge.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick why are you doing this?
Patrick Star: Because I need Krabby Patties! Hurry up i'm hungry!

Mr. Krabs: Release the condiments!
SpongeBob SquarePants: With relish!

SpongeBob SquarePants: See you later Te-am mate!

SpongeBob SquarePants: If we're gonna be on the same team...
Plankton: Maybe i don't wanna be on the te-am! You think of that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: But Plankton everything's best when your part of a team.

Plankton: Will you stop playing that tiny piano? Your gonna get us caught!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Arrgh!/Rock Bottom (#1.17)" (2000)
Patrick: Where is "Leaving Bikini Bottom?"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Where did you see that?
Patrick: We just passed a sign: "You are now in 'Leaving Bikini Bottom."
SpongeBob SquarePants: [looks out the window] What?
Patrick: What's wrong, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob sees a sign reading "Bikini Bottom City Limits"]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I think we're on the wrong...
[bus careens down a ravine; SpongeBob and Patrick are slammed to the back by the force of the fall]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...bus!

SpongeBob SquarePants: This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED darkness. Hey, if I close my eyes it doesn't seem so dark.

Patrick: Spongebob, bus is here! SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [tries to run up the road] Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!

Mr. Krabs: Gold, gold, gold!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Mr. Krabs. You're a sweaty!

Flying Dutchman: Who dug up the Dutchman's treasure?
Mr. Krabs: They did.
Flying Dutchman: So, you two scalawags dug up my treasure, did you?
[Patrick and SpongeBob are shaking and crying]
Flying Dutchman: Well, you saved me a lot of digging, you did, so here's a reward for the two of yous.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow!
Chorus: Two gold doubloons!
Mr. Krabs: Wait! I'm the captain of this crew. Where's my reward?
Flying Dutchman: I guess you're right. Here's a little something for your trouble.
Mr. Krabs: Gold! Gold... Wait, it's just a little plastic treasure chest.
Chorus: Plastic!
Flying Dutchman: Aye, but it's based on a real treasure.
[Leaves]
Patrick: Gee, Mr. Krabs. You're looking all sweaty again.

Mr. Krabs: Now put on this pirate garb so I'm not embarrased to be seen with you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow! Look, Patrick. Peg legs and eye patches.
Mr. Krabs: Now, don't you feel like real pirates?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Wearing pegs on both legs] Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate. Whoa!
[Trips and falls]
Patrick: [Wearing patches on both eyes] I'm Blindbeard the Pirate. Whoa!
[Trips and falls over SpongeBob]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okey-dokey, then.
Mr. Krabs: A pirate does not say "Okey-dokey, then." A pirate says "Argh!"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay-do... Oops! I mean, Argh, Captain Krabs.
[He spies a reef straight ahead]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Captain, we're about to hit... I mean, Argh - Cap, Argh! - we're - Argh! - about - Argh! to - Argh! - hit - Argh!...
Mr. Krabs: Out with it, Man!
Patrick: I think - Argh! - he's trying - Argh! - to say - Argh! - that we're - Argh! about to...
[They crash]
Patrick: Land.
Mr. Krabs: Argh. From now on, only the captain gets to say "Argh!"

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm so loyal, I don't mind sleeping out in the cold, hard ground while Captain Krabs sleeps in his warm, dry tent.
Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, we've been out only a few hours.
Patrick: I know.

Clerk Fish: Next? Pbth!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Finaly! I'm next! When's the next bus to Bikini Bottom?
Clerk Fish: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: The bus schedule, the next bus?
Clerk Fish: I can't - Pbth! - understand - Pbth! - your accent.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The next - Pbth! bus - Pbth! - to Bikini - Pbth! - Bottom - Pbththth!
Clerk Fish: Oh - Pbth! Why didn't you say so? Pbth! Next bus leaves in - Pbth! - five seconds.
[Bus leaves]
Clerk Fish: Oh, tough break, kid. Pbth! That's the last one 'till morning. Pbth!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh - Pbth! no -Pbth! - you don't! Pbth!
Clerk Fish: Good night! Pbth!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You get back here! Pbth! I'm not through here! Pbth! I demand that you come back here and get me a bus to Bikini Bottom! Until then, I'm not leaving this spot! Pbth! Pbth! Pbththth!

Mr. Krabs: So, you think old Mr. Krabs has gone crazy, do ye?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Mr. Krabs! We don't think that at all!
Patrick: I think that.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sure it weird around here. Kinda different.
[picks up a handful of dirt]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Even the soil looks different.
Soil: Would you - Ptbht! - mind - Ptbht! - putting me down?

Patrick: SpongeBob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. Look! I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!
[Close up of bathroom doors show one with a question mark, the other with an upside-down question mark]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, that's an easy one, Pat. Uh, just wait for someone to come out, and then you'll know.
[a weird, unidentifiable creature comes out of one of the bathrooms]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe we should wait for one more.
[More weird creatures come out of the bathrooms]
Patrick: I still can't read the sign! I wanna go home!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I want a bus to Bikini Bottom! I am first in line, and no one's going to tell me otherwise!
[a fierce-looking creature behind him growls]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Second! I am second in line!
[Moves down, finds another creature]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Third! Third is good.
[Walks down to a third creature]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Fourth, not bad.
[eventually reaches the end of the line]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Three-hundred and twenty-nine! I am three-hundreth and twenty-ninth in line, and nobody forget it!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Hears a razz in the dark] Who's there?
[Razz]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, that place will be there tomorrow. I guess I'd better keep walking.
[Razz]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Running. Better start running. Running.
[Razz]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sprinting! Yes, I just gotta keep sprinting!
[Runs into a wall]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sitting... sitting... bleeding.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [waiting for the bus] Getting hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World.
[takes candy from dispenser, then spits it out]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Eww! Glove-flavored.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess Grampa SquarePants was right: Never run for a bus...
[Imitates Grampa SquarePants]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...especially one that's going up at a 90 degree angle.

Mr. Krabs: Status report?
SpongeBob SquarePants: The whole ship is underwater.
Mr. Krabs: [Disappointed] Arrgh.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Chocolate with Nuts/Mermaidman and Barnacleboy V (#3.12)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Would you like to buy some chocolate?
Chocolate Fish: Chocolate? Did you say... chocolate?
Patrick: Yes, with or without nuts.
Chocolate Fish: Chocolate? CHOCOLATE? CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!
[SpongeBob and Patrick run away]

SpongeBob SquarePants: We're not doing so well Patrick. We need a better approach; a new tactic.
Patrick: I know, let's get naked.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer.
[knocks on door]
Fish: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.
[Fish slams door]

Mermaid Man: You fiends can't win. You're out-numbered.
Barnacle Boy: You senile bag of fish paste. There are three of us and only one of you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Make that two.
ManRay: The Quickster.
Squidward: three.
Barnacle Boy: Captain Magma.
Patrick: Four.
The Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband.
Sandy: Five.
Barnacle Boy: M-M-M-Miss Appear.
Mermaid Man: And me makes 10. I think.

Chocolate Fish: [shouting] CHOCOLATE!
SpongeBob: No! No! Noooo!
Chocolate Fish: AHAHAHA! FINALLY! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I've got you right where I want you...
Chocolate Fish: [normal voice, holding up a pile of cash] I'd like to buy all your chocolate.
SpongeBob: [chocolate falls out of Patrick's pants and he and SpongeBob melt] Thank you for your patronage.

SpongeBob: How about we help you?
Mermaid Man: No, that's a terrible idea! I've got it! How about *you* help *me*?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Quick, Patrick, without thinking: if you could have anything right now, what would it be?
Patrick: Um... more time for thinking.

[Spongebob and Patrick have decided to use lies and flattery to sell their chocolate]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to Elderly Lady] Hello, "young" lady.
[winks at Patrick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're selling chocolates. Is your mother home?
Elderly lady: [shouts] Ma!
[tiny wrinkled worm of a fish in a wheelchair comes out of the house]
Even OLDER Lady: What?

SpongeBob SquarePants: What was the reason we bought those bags?
Patrick: Um... he said we were mediocre.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right! He made us feel special.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate] Remember, Patrick. Flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
[knocks on door]
Customer: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Looking through the magazine Fancy Living Digest with Patrick] Look at all these glossy pictures of a higher standard of living!
[pointing at a picture]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This guy's so rich he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
Patrick: [Pointing at a picture of a rich guy surrounded by bags of money] This guy's got shoes!

Mermaid Man: Now, who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Sandy Cheeks: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes you do, no world means no money, so either save the world, or you're fired!
[Squidward sighs]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Selling chocolate door-to-door] Hello, sir, would you like to buy some chocolate?
Fish: Chocolate? Chocolate! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Survival of the Idiots/Dumped (#2.9)" (2001)
Patrick: Hold it right there, DadMom AngryPants!
SpongeBob: What's that supposed to mean?
Patrick: I don't know. but I do know Gary knows who he wants to go with. Now I suggest you put him down and let *him* choose.
SpongeBob: Fine, but I would like to remind *him* who it was that fed him, and housed him, and sat at his bedside when he was sick, and massaged his eyestalks when his eyes were sore. Okay, Gary, go ahead, show him. Okay, Gary, come to me! Come on! Come on, Gary! Come on, come here, Gary!
[Gary turns around]
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, wr-wrong way, Gary.
[sad music starts; Gary moves closer to Patrick]
SpongeBob: G-Gary, turn around, Gary, turn around. Gary, no.
[growing sad]
SpongeBob: Gary, no! No, no, no! Don't do it, Gary!
[falls over and cries]
SpongeBob: No, Gary!
[Gary climbs onto Patrick]
Patrick: Well, well, well - I guess that answers that question. So long, SpongeBob. Gary and me got stuff to do.
[walks away]
SpongeBob: Okay, fine! If that's the way you want to thank me...
[crying]
SpongeBob: for all that I've done.
[Pat's rock falls down into place. Cut to Sponge's darkened room where Sponge is on his bed looking down at Gary's bowl. He sheds a tear into it]

[trying to open the frozen lock on Sandy's tree dome, SpongeBob pulls hard and is unsuccessful]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Tartar sauce. The lock's frozen shut.
Patrick: Here, let me try.
[walks over and extends his arms toward the door]
Patrick: Open sesame.
[pause]
Patrick: Well, I've done all I could do.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't get it. How can Sandy survive these intense conditions year after year?
Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.

[SpongeBob and Patrick see snow inside Sandy's treedome]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What is this stuff?
Patrick: It's a swirling wonderland of sparkling, white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading fluffy pillows of confort and excitement as you have never felt before.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, Patrick. That was beautiful.
Patrick: What? I was just reading this candy wrapper. See?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look what's in Sandy's bed.
Patrick: It looks like an overinflated Sandy doll.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I think this thing is Sandy.
Patrick: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.
Patrick: That's not disturbing. This is disturbing.
[Makes a face from the folds in his back and makes it talk]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. My name is PatBack.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Laugh] That is really disturbing.

SpongeBob SquarePants: All right, Pinhead. Your time is up.
Patrick: Who are you calling Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
Patrick: I'm dirty.

Patrick: I'm so cold that I'm shivering.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm so cold that I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks.
Patrick: I'm so cold that... I'm shivering.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe we should build a fire. I got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree.
[Tears a strip of bark]
Sandy: [From inside] You're gonna be wearing an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead.
[SpongeBob tapes up the bark]
SpongeBob SquarePants: That fire isn't happening, Patrick.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Gosh, Lary sure is different than Gary. And Gary and Lary are real different than...
[Pulls out a photo-realistic snail]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...Jerry.

Patrick: I'm sorry, SpongeBob, but Gary's with me now. You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past.
[Takes off pants, puts them in washing machine]
Patrick: It's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me. Right, Gary? Gary?
[Gary has gone inside the washing machine, burrowing his head into the back pocket of Patrick's shorts]
Patrick: He only like me for my shorts!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Patrick. He wanted the cookie in your pocket.
Gary: [Crawls towards SpongeBob] Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: G-G-Gary?
Gary: Burp! Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aw, Gary! I knew you'd never leave me. Let's go for a walk, pal.
[They leave]
Patrick: Gary? I thought what we had was special!

SpongeBob: SpongeBob: We used to do laundry together. Do you want fresh scent, or heavy du - Du-du-du-
[cries]
SpongeBob: ty? Gary, please come back home! I'm a wreck without you!

SpongeBob: We used to do laundry together. Do you want fresh scent, or heavy du - Du-du-du-
[cries]
SpongeBob: ty? Gary, please come back home! I'm a wreck without you!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Welcome to the Chum Bucket/Frankendoodle (#2.14)" (2002)
Mr. Krabs: I'm afraid you don't work here anymore.
Squidward: Please tell me this isn't a joke.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Go ahead! Tell him! Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke!
Plankton: As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. You work for me now!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Draws on the sand] It's a jellyfish.
Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but it's lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Everybody's a critic.
[the drawing comes to life]
Patrick: SpongeBob, your drawing's coming to life!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Now that's more like it, Mr. Critic.
Patrick: No, I mean it's swimming away.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Do you know what that means?
Patrick: Your art can never hang at a museum.

Patrick: My turn!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Be careful, Patrick. Being an artist is a heavy responsibility. Each work of art is like a child, and must be treated as such.
Patrick: Come on, I was just gonna draw a cartoon.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, why didn't you say so?

SpongeBob SquarePants: There he is.
Patrick: He's hideous! He makes me sick just looking at him. Those big, bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, and that stupid tie!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh... ahem.
Patrick: [Embarrassed] Oh, but it looks good on you, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants: He's dropped the pencil. Now's our chance. On the count of three, we'll jump up and surprise him.
Patrick: Oh, boy! A surprise party! Is it his birthday?
[Suddenly DoodleBob bursts in and lifts SpongeBob over his head]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick! Patrick! Do something!
Patrick: Happy birthday!
[DoodleBob tosses SpongeBob]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaah!
Patrick: [Gives DoodleBob a rock] Here's your present.
[DoodleBob hits Patrick over the head with rock]
Patrick: You're welcome.

[after struggling with DoodleBob over the pencil, it breaks with SpongeBob holding the point and DoodleBob with the eraser]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, Doodle, it looks like this is a draw.
[DoodleBob sharpens his half with his teeth]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You've made your point. No matter. I was voted most artistic in high school.
[the pencil slips from his hand and flies out the window]
Squidward: [Off screen] Ouch! SpongeBob, you're gonna pay for that!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I think it was most clumsy.

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. What's with all the ruckus?
SpongeBob SquarePants: See for yourself, Patrick.
[Points to DoodleBob trapped in a piece of paper pinned to the wall]
Patrick: It's the evil doodle!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, not evil. He was just a two-dimesional creature lost in our three-dimensional aquatic world, longing for a purpose.
Patrick: So... he's a drawing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Exactly. See how happy he is?
Patrick: [Looking at a picture of SpongeBob] I still say he's kinda freaky-looking.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [DoodleBob advances at him with the eraser of the magic pencil] Be careful with that thing! Who knows what'll happen?
[DoodleBob erases SpongeBob's nose]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I knows.

SpongeBob: I AM SPONGEBOB, DESTROYER OF EVIL!
Patrick: Take it easy, its just a drawing.

[SpongeBob feared that Patrick had died]
SpongeBob SquarePants: PATRICK! YOU'RE ALIVE!
Patrick: [after a pause] I am?

[Patrick has fallen into a crevasse]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick? Are you all right?
Patrick: FINLAND!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, you okay?
Patrick: LAPLAND!

Patrick: Yeeeaaa... Yeeeaaa... Yeeeaaa... Yeeeaaa... Yeeaaa... Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh!
[bowling bowl hits him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: All you all right?
Patrick: ENGLAND!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Friend or Foe (#5.1)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Duck.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't forget your condiments, Plankton.
[squirts Plankton with ketchup & mustard]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Safe.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Why, Mr Krabs? Why does he hate us so?
[cries]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Best friends?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Got your secret recipe, Mr. Krabs. You have no idea that went through to get here.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, Mr. Krabs. What did happen next?

SpongeBob SquarePants: It did happen that way, didn't it, Mr. Krabs?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Gosh, Mr. Plankton, that doesn't sound like the Mr. Krabs story at all.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs, Plankton: Karen?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Doesn't it just warm your heart, Karen?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Gasp!] Sabotage!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Graveyard Shift/Krusty Love (#2.16)" (2002)
SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. You must really like me!
Squidward: Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One, I hate you. And two, how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [on working the night shift] Isn't this great Squidward? Just you & me together for hours and hours and hours! And then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Psst, Squidward, I'm working in the kitchen... at night! Hey Squidward, guess what? I'm chopping lettuce... at night! Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night! OW I burned my hand!... at night!

Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the... hash-slinging slasher?
SpongeBob: The slash-bringing hasher?
Squidward: The hash-slinging slasher.
SpongeBob: The sash wringing... the trash thinging... mash flinging... the flash springing, bringing the the crash thinging the...
Squidward: Yes. The hash-slinging slasher.

[Squidward and SpongeBob believe they are on the verge of death]
Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sorta liked you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
Squidward: What?

Squidward: And then, one night, while he was cutting the patties, it happened!
SpongeBob SquarePants: He forget the secret sauce?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob SquarePants: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, that's my teacher, Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
[flash cut of a puffer fish lamp]
SpongeBob SquarePants: She doesn't like to talk about it.

Squidward: Wait! If that was you on the phone, and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights?
[lights flicker]
Squidward: [cut to picutre of the vampire Nosferatu flipping light switch]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Shaking fingers at him] Nosferatu!

Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hash-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened...
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this?
[At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back]
SpongeBob: Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
SpongeBob: OH NO!
Squidward: And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob is ready to finish for the day, points to Squidward holding a bag of trash] Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward smells. Hmm, This one's not finished.
[writes on dumpster the word "good"]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward smells good!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Dying for Pie/Imitation Krabs (#2.4)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I made you this sweater... Do you love it?
Squidward: It's a little itchy. What's it made out of?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Eyelashes.

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and may only be discussed, in part or in whole, with its creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply. Results may vary.

Mr. Krabs: Plankton!
Plankton: Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Plankton!
Plankton: Krabs!
SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. As long as these pants are square, and this sponge is Bob, I will not let you down!
Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob has hoisted him up] Uh, SpongeBob? Could you let me down?

Squidward: What is the most fun thing you've always wanted to do?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually, I keep a list of the most fun things I like to do.
Squidward: Great. Let's see it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The things that are extra fun are written in red.
Squidward: Everything's in red!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, I know!

Mr. Krabs: Just remember the most important rule.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No! The other most important rule, regarading the secret formula.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Right you are! Just remember that, boy, and everything will be fine.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off 'till tomorrow? Ha ha!
Mr. Krabs: What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I think I'll just ask you two a couple of questions. Questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
Mr. Krabs: Okay then.
SpongeBob SquarePants: First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
Plankton: 9:30 AM.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right! That's one strike, Mr. Fake.
Mr. Krabs: But...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh-uh! I'm running this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any "buts", they're gonna be from me. OK, question number two: How much does a Krabby Patty cost?
Mr. Krabs: $2.99!
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...on Wednesday.
Plankton: 99 cents.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right again! You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this: if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
Mr. Krabs: That's an easy one! Let's see, if it's January, with vanilla pudding, we... uh, pass?

Squidward: I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You want me to explode?
Squidward: Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, okay, I'll try. Nnggg... GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!
[laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Your turn, Squidward!
Squidward: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU BARNACLE HEAD!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [clapping] Whoa, good one.
Squidward: No! I mean you're supposed to explode into a million pieces!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What pie?
Squidward: The pie I left on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! THAT pie!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pie... Oh! You mean this pie!
[takes the pie-bomb out of his pocket]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share! Let's eat!
[he trips on a pebble, the pie flies into Squidward's face and explodes]
Squidward: Ow.

Fish: Mmm... these patties sure are delicious! I wonder what's in that secret formula?
[an alarm sounds]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Code twelve! Code twelve!
[he grabs onto the fish's head]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Your disguises can't fool me this time... Plankton!
[he rips the head off. everyone gasps. there's a smaller head underneath]
Fish: Everyone at the Head Enhancement Clinic said nobody would notice!
[runs off crying]
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob! What's the meaning of this?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought Plankton was trying to get the formula.
Mr. Krabs: That's no reason to rip people's head off, boy!

Mr. Krabs: [spots Spongebob about to give Plankton the formula] How could you do it Spongebob? Giving me secret formula to this impostor?
Plankton: Don't listen to him Spongebob. Remember: Ravioli, ravioli give me the formuoli
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob no, don't listen to him, I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
Plankton: Don't listen to him, he's obviously a robot.
[smoke comes out of the suit's exhaust pipe]
Mr. Krabs: Well if I were a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well put together, not some rusted out, steam driven piece of junk!
Plankton: Who are you calling steam driven?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Quiet!
[holds up a hose while breathing heavily and his eyes are bloodshot]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Until I know who the real Mr.Krabs is, nobody moves
[reveals the hose is attatched to a machine dispensing tarter sauce]
SpongeBob SquarePants: nobody gets hurt.

Plankton: [asking for the secret formula while disguised as Mr. Krabs] Formula time?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Almost
Narrator: Six and a half hours later.
[Plankton uses the robot suit to launch himself out of a cannon]
Plankton: [Spongebob gives him some spaghetti which he dumps into the robot suit] Yum yum, this spaghetti sure is good, belch.
Plankton, SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath, ravioli, ravioli, Great Barrier Reef!
Plankton: Okay let's hear that formula!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry Mr. Krabs no can do.
[Plankton's robot suit's eyes catch on fire]
Plankton: [in a very robotic voice] Whaaaaat?
[cut to Plankton inside the suit]
Plankton: But we did everything you said!, I followed all the rules!, I even ate 105 black licorice jelly beans through a straw!, Now why won't you tell me the formula?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's your rule, never speak the formula, you told me to keep it in...
[holds up a little bottle with a scroll in it]
SpongeBob SquarePants: this bottle.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Secret Box/Band Geeks (#2.15)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: A one. A two. A skiddly-diddly-doo.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] The winner takes all. It's the thrill of one more kill. / The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. / Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. / The only attack were their wings on the wind. / Oh, the daydream begins... / And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. / And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, / In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. / And the world is ours to follow / Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.
[fade out]

Male Fish: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if *some* people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws.
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Male Fish: Big... meaty... claws!
Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws aren't just for attracting mates!
Male Fish: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Female Fish: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us.

[the Bikini Bottom Super Band is playing to a stadium of humans]
Patrick: Those are some ugly looking fish.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.
Mr. Krabs: I think I'm going to be sick.

SpongeBob SquarePants: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him! Evelyn, when your son was trapped in that burning building, who saved him?
Evelyn: A fireman.
SpongeBob SquarePants: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Larry the Lobster: Some guy in an ambulance.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right! So if we all could just pretend that Squidward was a fireman or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure we can all pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band.
Fish: Yeah, for the fireman!

[Squidward tries to start a marching band]
Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [raises his hand] Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking!
[Patrick kicks Sandy]
Sandy Cheeks: Why, you...
[fights Patrick; they tumble outside, and after a while, Patrick peeks his head through the door]
Patrick: Whoever is the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick walks in and takes his seat; his head has been pulled through his trombone, and he makes a trombone sound as he walks]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, it's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Would you like to hear one of my secrets?
Patrick: Do I?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's see... uh, did you know that you're my best friend?
Patrick: No... way! Tell me another secret.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, secretly, I'm a little bit naive.
Patrick: Wow! I'll never look at you the same way again.

SpongeBob SquarePants: What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish. Or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. Or maybe he's a deranged maniac who keeps his victims' severed heads in a box. Or even worse, maybe it's a really embarrassing snapshot of me from the Christmas party!

Patrick: That's it! You have crossed the line! As of right now, this friendship is over!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Patrick: No, you can look inside if you really want to.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, boy! this is one of the greatest moments of my life.
[Looks inside]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?
Patrick: Well, what did I tell you? Isn't it great?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's just a piece of string.
Patrick: A secret string!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, when you're right, you're right. That is some secret box you got there. Well, good night, Patrick.
Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, I should have known. It was just a piece of string all along. Wait 'till I tell Gary.
Patrick: [Laughs] Too bad SpongeBob didn't pull on the secret string, opening the secret compartment of my secret box, revealing one embarrasing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas party! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Big Pink Loser/Bubble Buddy (#2.3)" (2000)
Customer: [Patrick is taking the phone calls at Krusty Krabs and the phone rings] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick.
[hangs up]
Customer: [phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [angry] No! This is Patrick!
[hangs up]
Customer: [phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [shouts] No! This is Patrick!
[hangs up]
Patrick: [to himself and folds arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? Ah, Fish Paste!

Patrick Star: It was sure nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job at the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: And at $50 an hour. When I started out, I had to pay Mr. Krabs $100 an hour.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Bubble Buddy's thirsty.
Squidward Tentacles: How about a glass of our finest shampoo?
[Laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sounds great.
[Squidward stops laughing and goes to get the shampoo]
Squidward Tentacles: Here's your hair product, sir.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bubble Buddy likes bendy straws.
[Squidward bends the straw]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh, what's that? Bubble Buddy says it tastes funny. What do you think?
Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [chews the food for an elderly custormer] Think of the customer.
Squidward Tentacles: [Tastes shampoo] Oh, silly me. I brought the diet shampoo.

SpongeBob: It's his first time on his own.
Fish: [sarcastic] Congratulations.

Patrick: I wanna defeat the giant monkey man and save the ninth dimension.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Me too. But that sounds a little too hard. Let's try smaller.
Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkey man and save the eighth dimension.

SpongeBob SquarePants: But you're Patrick *Star*. You could do anything you want!
Patrick: That's easy for you to say. You're Sponge*Bob*.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice-cream!

SpongeBob Squarepants: [points at Patrick] YOU'RE COPYING ME!
Patrick: [imitates Spongebob and points back] YES!

Narrator: For SpongeBob SquarePants, every day is a holiday, even if he has to make one up.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Gets out of bed wearing a viking helmet and braided beard] Hey everybody! Happy Leif Ericson Day! Hinga-dinga-dergen!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Bubble Buddy leaves] And to think this morning I was holding his bottle. They blow up so fast.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sleepy Time/Suds (#1.15)" (2000)
Talking Gary: For ages, dreams have been thought of as windows to another realm.
[Reads from a book]
Talking Gary: "Let me not mar this perfect dream / With an auroral stain / So I adjust my daily light / So that it may come again." Emily Dickinson wrote that.
SpongeBob: Who?
Talking Gary: Here's one you might know. "There once was a man from Peru / Who dreamed he was eating his shoe / He woke with a fright / In the middle of the night / To find that his dream had come true."
SpongeBob: Gee, Gary. You sure are smart.
Talking Gary: Did you think my shell was full of hot air?

SpongeBob: [Falling in Sandy's dream] What's going on?
Sandy Cheeks: Well, we're free-falling from a height of 114,000 feet and are about to land on that itty-bitty target.
SpongeBob: That sounds kinda dangerous!
Sandy Cheeks: Not as long as you got a big ol' parachute.
SpongeBob: Okay!
[Inflates his shoes]
Sandy Cheeks: Not pair of shoes, SpongeBob. Para-chute.
SpongeBob: Gotcha!
[Pulls out a parakeet]
Sandy Cheeks: Not parakeet, para...
[Lands on a truck of clam manure]
Sandy Cheeks: ... medic.

SpongeBob: [Inside what he thinks is Mr. Krab's dream] Mr. Krabs?
Pearl: [Having tea with her stuffed animals] Hello, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Oh, Pearl, this is your dream.
Pearl: You're just in time for my tea party.
SpongeBob: Actually, I'm looking for Mr. Krabs.
Pearl: [disappointed] Oh, he's next door. Boys don't appreciate the sophistication of tea parties. Right, Mr. Stuffy?

Sandy Cheeks: All right, Patrick. Where's SpongeBob?
Patrick: Uh... Uh... He's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep!
Sandy Cheeks: All right, then tell me. Since when do you have two houses?
Patrick: Since I ran out of room to put my stuff.
Sandy Cheeks: Uh-huh, yeah. Then why does your house have feet?
Patrick: This is my mobile home.
[the "second house" sneezes and all the dust flies out to reveal the inflated SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Hiya, Sandy.
Patrick: Hmmm... the dirt therapy seems to be working just fine.

Sandy Cheeks: Patrick, SpongeBob needs to see a real doctor.
Patrick: No he doesn't! I'm taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob. Say "aah."
SpongeBob: Aah.
[SpongeBob's bad breath dries out the landscape and knocks out some scallops]
Sandy Cheeks: See? He's worse than I thought.
Patrick: [Has a clothespin on his nose] What do you mean? He's fine.

SpongeBob: [sees Patrick riding a toy seahorse] Patrick, this is a dream. You can do whatever you want.
Patrick: Yup.
SpongeBob: Look. I can turn myself into a skyscraper.
[gets really tall]
SpongeBob: I can make millions of me!
[lots of Spongebobs pop up and form circles around Patrick]
Patrick: Yup.
SpongeBob: I'm gonna go find another dream.
[leaves]
Patrick: [seahorse stops; Patrick digs a quarter out of his pocket, tries to put it in slot; quarter rolls away and goes down a drain] That was my last quarter.

Doctor: Well, Mr. Squarepants, it appears you have the suds.
SpongeBob: You're not going to make me read old magazines, are you?
Doctor: No silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hans.
[Hans takes Spongebob and uses him to clean different things]
SpongeBob: [while being cleaned by Hans] I can smell again.
SpongeBob: [after the sponge treatment] That was great, I love the doctor.
Hans: Here's your lollipop.
Patrick: A lollipop? Hey doc, I have the suds too.
Doctor: Oh yes, Dr. Patrick. We have a special treatment for you too.
Patrick: [while Hans is cleaning Patrick] Ouch, that hurts.
Patrick: What are you doing?
Patrick: This doesn't seem right.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm sick, Patrick. I'm going to the doctor.
Patrick: What? Oh no, you can't go!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why not?
Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor, and the doctor's office is a horrible, horrible place.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It can't be as horrible as the suds.
[Sneezes]
Patrick: Oh, it is, SpongeBob. First, they make you sit in a... waiting room!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Is that the horrible part?
Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read... old magazines!
[SpongeBob shrieks]
Patrick: Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No!
Patrick: Yes! It's a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh that... Pssh!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaah! No doctor! No stethoscope! No magazines! No Pssh! Patrick, I don't want to go to the doctor.
Patrick: Exactly.

SpongeBob: [Approaches tall, wise-looking figure] Excuse me sir.
Talking Gary: [Figure, turns it's Gary but with hands and feet] Spongebob!
SpongeBob: Gary?
Talking Gary: [Cross] How dare you invade the sanctity of my dreams.
SpongeBob: [Delighted] Gary! you can talk!
Talking Gary: [sighs] In dreams one is not tethered by earthly limitations.

SpongeBob Squarepants: [after waking up from a bad dream] Ah!
[sees everyone hovering over his bed, all looking quite irritable with him]
SpongeBob Squarepants: Hey, what are you all doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party?
Squidward: No, we are not having a slumber party!
Sandy Cheeks: Do us all a favor, SpongeBob, and stay out of our dreams!
[everyone grumbles in agreement]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Take a hike!
Squidward: Don't we get enough of you during the day?
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: Does anybody have a quarter?
[everyone stares at Patrick]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: New Student Starfish/Clams (#3.13)" (2002)
Mrs. Poppy Puff: What is going on here?
Patrick: Spongebob and me were fighting.
Mrs. Poppy Puff: [gasp] Fighting? I won't take any of that! That's it! Spongebob, I sentence you and your friend... to detention!
SpongeBob: [gasp] Detention?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: May Neptune have mercy on your soul!

Patrick: 24
[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [giggling] Hey Patrick, I just thought of something funnier than 24.
Patrick: Let's hear it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: 25.
[both burst out laughing]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Behold, Patrick, the hallway of learning. And here's the fountain of learning. And these are the lockers of learning.
Patrick: And these are the stairs of learning, right?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, they're just the stairs. *These* are the stairs of learning.

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. Wanna go jellyfishing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry, Patrick, I can't. I have school today.
Patrick: But what am I supposed to do all day while you're gone?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know. What do you usually do all day?
Patrick: [crying] Wait for you to get back.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward. You want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
Squidward Tentacles: How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

Patrick: Where is everybody?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know. Home, probably. Class doesn't start until nine.
Patrick: [Looks at watch] 6:20? But I thought you said you were late.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Late for being early.
Patrick: Hey! When did I start wearing a watch?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Poor Mr. Krabs, gone out of our lives forever. Why couldn't it have been me?
Squidward Tentacles: Yes! Why couldn't it have been you?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why did he have to leave us like this?
Squidward Tentacles: Why did he have to leave me tied up to this idiot?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I hate you, Patrick.
Patrick: I hate you too.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I hate you no matter what.
Patrick: I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'd hate you even if that made sense.
Patrick: I'd hate you even if you were me. That's how much I hate you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: The ligthbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!
Patrick: Roger! Without it the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [the lightbulb flies through the air] The lightbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!
Patrick: [Roger's egg flies through the air] Roger! Without him the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: MuscleBob BuffPants/Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost (#1.11)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: This working out thing isn't working out.

[SpongeBob and Patrick have broken Squidward's wax sculpture of himself, and think it's Squidward]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know quite how to say this, but I'm afraid our dear pal Squidward is... is pushing up daisies.
Patrick: Oh, I thought he was dead.

[SpongeBob and Patrick think Squidward is a ghost]
Squidward: Enough! Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today, and has decided to spare ye a horrible fate. Sssss. All you must do is obey my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Does that include...?
Squidward: Quiet! Do as you're told, lest you incur the wrath of Squidward!
Patrick: I think they make a cream for that now.

Patrick: [on Squidward] Yeah, he really needs to go up to the great beyond.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, say that again.
Patrick: That again.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, the other thing.
Patrick: No, the other thing.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, what you said before when you...
Patrick: No, what you said before when you...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nevermind, I've got an idea!
Patrick: Never mind, I've got an idea.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I can do this. I've got Anchor Arms! I'm no wimp! I'm a jerk!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, Patrick, Hike!
[Patrick blows on some chess pieces, while SpongeBob carries a rock and drops it]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You just lost three points.
[climbs coral tree]
SpongeBob SquarePants: One, two, five.
[blows bubble shaped like a G and a 7]
SpongeBob SquarePants: G-7!
Patrick: G-7? King me! King me!
[runs into coral]
Patrick: I lose!
SpongeBob SquarePants: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick.
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [opens window from house] Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: We don't know.

[Patrick and SpongeBob are carring Squidward in his lounge chair]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here?
Squidward: No, too wet.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here?
Squidward: No, too hot. Keep moving. Keep moving.
[they move to a spoof of a Henri Toulouse-Lautrec poster]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here?
Squidward: Too Louse-Lautrec.
[rimshot]

Squidward: I hunger for nourishment.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nothing but the freshest, your ghostliness. A grape fresh from the vine, your noncorporealness. A banana peeled to your liking, your inmaterialness.
Patrick: [drops a huge watermelon on Squidward's mouth] One watermelon straight from the manure fields, your spookiness.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Art thou not pleased?
Squidward: Enough! I want something else, something hard to find.
SpongeBob SquarePants: We are here to please you.
Patrick: What do you hunger for, master?
Squidward: Cherry pie.
[Patrick pulls out a cherry pie from his back]
Squidward: Where did you get that?
Patrick: I found it.
Squidward: [throws away pie] Well, go find it again!

Squidward: [notices a tombstone outside his house as SpongeBob and Patrick attempt to put him to rest] Spongebob, are you trying to put me in the nuthouse?
SpongeBob: Nope, just into this hole.
Squidward: [sighs] SpongeBob, I have a confession to make...
SpongeBob: [as Squidward takes off the towel on his head, he gasps] You're bald?
Squidward: No, I'm not bald! I'm alive!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Who were you expecting, Tiny Tim?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Texas/Walking Small (#1.18)" (2000)
Sandy Cheeks: Don't you DARE take the name of Texas in vain.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You mean we can't say anything bad about dumb old Texas?
Sandy Cheeks: No, you can't!
Patrick: Well, can we say that people from Texas are dumb?

[SpongeBob has shaped himself in the form of Texas to irritate Sandy]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Patrick. What am I?
Patrick: Stupid?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I'm Texas.
Patrick: What's the difference?

SpongeBob SquarePants: You used me... for land development! That wasn't nice.
Plankton: Haven't you figured it out, SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world. Ha ha ha ha!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well... what about aggressively nice people?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look, Patrick, I'm Texas: Duh, howdy, y'all!
Patrick: I'm Texas too: Get a dog, little longie, get a dog!

Plankton: You see how wonderful life is... when you're maniacal?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I thought it was called assertive.
Plankton: Whatever.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] The stars at night are dull and dim whenever they have to be over dumb ol' stupid Texas.

Plankton: SpongeBob, don't let that guy sit on you. Assertiveness lesson number one: tell that guy to get off.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Excuse me. You're sitting on my body, which is also my face.
Plankton: No, no! Be assertive!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sticks his finger on the guy's pocket] Beep-beep.
Plankton: Not insertive!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, your genius is showing!
Patrick: WHERE?
[covers his shorts]

Plankton: SpongeBob, you missed your chance. You've got to be aggressive to get the things you want. You're too soft.
SpongeBob SquarePants: But I'm a spon...
Plankton: Don't say it!

SpongeBob SquarePants: It's a party, for you! We have square dancing
[shows a fish holding a big cube]
SpongeBob SquarePants: , barby-cues...
Squidward: [holding a big Q with spikes on it] Ow. Ow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Peas-in-a-can pie
[shows another fish holding a pie with a can of peas sticking out]
SpongeBob SquarePants: and our very own ten-gallon hats.
[He and Patrick put water jugs on their heads]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krab Borg/Rock-a-Bye Bivalve (#3.9)" (2002)
Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, in the movie, the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
Squidward: They poop on the robot?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop. Ask questions, get information.
Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but SpongeBob, let's get that poop.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, look, it's a baby scallop.
Patrick: [raising his foot to stomp it] I'll take care of this!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, stop! It's totally helpless! It looks like it can't even fly yet.
Patrick: Is it stupid?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, it's just a baby.

Patrick: I get to be the mommy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I don't think you can be the mommy cause you never wear a shirt.

[SpongeBob opens up Patrick's rock to find what he really did instead of working]
Patrick: [watching TV, laughs] He got hit on the head with two coconuts!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [angry] So! This is work?
Patrick: You know it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase!
[SpongeBob opens it to reveal the briefcase is full of donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all on Patrick]
Patrick: [furiously] Ooh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [screams] OVERTIME?
Patrick: [simultaneously] Yeah, overtime, pal! And you know what else? It's always working when you're too tired to work! You just keep going on working and working!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [simultaneously] Oh, yeah, that's working! And if that's the kind of work you're doing, then show me when or where to sign up for, 'cause I've been working my fingers to the bone! You never help! Never!
[Junior's tweeting is heard]
Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, that's not a stupid noise; that's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.
[Junior is seen ready to fly]
Patrick: Oh.
Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants: [eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!

[about "Robot Krabs"]
Squidward: Um SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?
SpongeBob: ...the movie? OH! The ending was great! Turns out there were no robots, it was just their... imagination...
[Spongebob laughs nervously and looks at watch]
SpongeBob: Hey, it's time to feed Gary...
SpongeBob: [He bolts out the door]
Squidward: [Squidward begins sweeping nervously]
Mr. Krabs: SQUIDWARD!

[SpongeBob and Squidward are accusing Mr. Krabs of being a robot, repeatedly asking the "robot" what happened to the "real" Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This is one stubborn robot.
Mr. Krabs: [in anger] What? You think I'm a robot?
Squidward: We don't think. We know.
Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You know Patrick since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
Patrick: Yeah, at least until it's old enough to be on it's own. Oh, I want to be the mom!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't think you can be the mom Patrick, because you never wear a shirt
Patrick: [thinks for a moment] You're right, if I was a mom
[shows a closeup of his body showing he's really fat and hairy]
Patrick: this would be kind of shocking
[raises his arms in excitement showing his hairy armpits]
Patrick: Just call me daddy!

Mr. Krabs: [Spongebob and Squidward approach him with angry looks on their faces] Oh hello boys, what can I do for you?
[Spongebob and Squidward shut the door and lock it]
Mr. Krabs: Heh, heh why did you lock the door?
[nervously]
Mr. Krabs: why do you have that rope?, who's watching the cash register?
[Spongebob and Squidward attack him and tie him to a chair]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!, Squidward!, what is the meaning of this? Untie me this instance!
Squidward: [slaps him] Shut up!
Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones!, what the heck is going on?
Squidward: I said shut up, you bucket of bolts!
[slaps him again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't take it!
[runs off crying]
Squidward: SpongeBob are you okay?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
Squidward: No that's not Mr. Krabs, that's Robot Krabs!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh yeah
Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right
[walks up to Mr. Krabs and slaps him]
Squidward: SpongeBob you have to ask him a question first
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh yeah
[to Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What color is my underwear?
[slaps him again]

[SpongeBob and Squidward see Mr. Krabs with red eyes, tongs, and dead batteries run into the bathroom]
Squidward: [to SpongeBob] I'll evacuate the customers, you call the Navy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [on the phone] Hello, operator, get me the Navy!
Computerized Voice: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
Squidward: NOT THE NAVY!
[speaking over intercom]
Squidward: Attention, everyone, run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world!
[no one moves]
Squidward: OUR WORLD!
[customers freak out and run out of the restaurant]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Culture Shock/F.U.N. (#1.10)" (1999)
SpongeBob: So this is what it feels like. The big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [sings to cheer up and encourage Plankton] 'F' is for friends who do stuff together, 'U' is for you and me, 'N' is for anytime or anywhere at all...
Chorus: Down here in the deep blue sea!
Plankton: 'F' is for fire that burns down the whole town, 'U' is for Uranium bombs. 'N' is for no survivors when you...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton, those things aren't what F.U.N. is all about. Now do it like this. 'F' is for friends who...
Plankton: Never! It's completely idiotic.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Here at the Krusty Krab, you are the captain, and I am your cabin boy. You just give the word, and I'll throw myself in the brig! May I take your order?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought Plankton had changed.
Mr. Krabs: Don't blame yourself, boy. No friendship can withtstand the allure of a Krabby Patty. Now, let's go back to the Krusty Krab and have a fresh one, on me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well, maybe at a discount.

SpongeBob: Play with me.
Plankton: You know how to induce thermo-nuclear fusion?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [to Plankton, who is in disguise in front of a magic shop] Have you seen a Krabby Patty? It's about this tall, and... Wow, a magic shop! Are you a magician? One time, I saw a magician, and he did this thing, and then... well, anyway, he said that if you believe in yourself, and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true.
Plankton: Augh! I can't take it!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton! It's you!
Plankton: Yes, and after all these years, I thought I was the master of torture. But that! That just wasn't fair!

Plankton: All right, it's true! I tricked you to get to the Krabby Patty, but then you showed me friendship, and now I realize that's all I ever really wanted.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Plankton: No, not really. Being evil is too much fun!

Mr. Krabs: As you know, profits are way down this month. We need a new gimmick to bring in customers. Do you lubbers have any ideas?
SpongeBob SquarePants: How about this? A free pair of socks with every purchase. Or maybe, Double Patty Midnight Madness! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! How about Mouth Full of Clams Day? Anyone who comes in with a mouth full of clams gets a free drink. Huh? Huh?

SpongeBob: I think you're a winner.
Plankton: [sobbing] What did you say?
SpongeBob: I said I think you're a...
Chorus: Loser!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Fear of a Krabby Patty/Shell of a Man (#4.1)" (2005)
Krabby Patty: Just remember, I will always be with you, right here.
[Points at chest]
SpongeBob SquarePants: In my heart?
Krabby Patty: Actually, in your arteries.

[Plankton is posing as a psychiatrist]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Do you think there's still hope for me?
Sheldon J. Plankton: Hope? Hope? When I get my hands on that formula, there won't be any hope for any of ya!
[Sinister laugh]
Sheldon J. Plankton: I mean, you'll be cured in no time.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You're a lot smaller than I thought, doctor. But then, I guess that's why they call you shrink.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, my entire arm disintegrated!

Sheldon J. Plankton: I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your little head.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
Sheldon J. Plankton: Work.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Work.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Spatula.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Spatula.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Bun.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bun.
Sheldon J. Plankton: See, the key is to say something different than what I say.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I get it.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Potato.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Potahto.
Sheldon J. Plankton: Tomato.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Tomahto.

Squidward Tentacles: Is number five's order ready yet, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Just a moment, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time for you to go. You grew up so fast.
[sniff]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I told myself I wouldn't do this. Just take it! Take it, Squidward!
[cries]
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, Brother. Number five! Number five!
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's me!
[eats Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mmm. My compliments to the chef.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look at me! I'm Mister Krabs! I love money.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Say, that ain't half bad.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I once won a marathon because someone dropped a penny on the finish line.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: That's me, all right.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Every night I tuck me wallet in and tell it a bedtime story. Good night, Wallety.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Yeah. Okay, I get the point...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, what's that you say? Me daughter Pearl needs an operation? I'll do it meself and save a nickel.
[laughs]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: That'll do, SpongeBob.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: SpongeBob, I want you to...
[turns into a giant Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Could you run that by me again?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I said I want you to...
[turns into giant Krabby Patty again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's what I thought you said. Now, let me offer this as a rebuttal. AAAH!

Sheldon J. Plankton: I want you to close your eyes. Tighter. Tighter.
[SpongeBob's eyelids rip apart]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Too tight! Now, what do you see?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I see... giant Krabby Patties!
Sheldon J. Plankton: Good! Now, what are they made of?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hatred!
Sheldon J. Plankton: No, ingredients! What are the stinking ingredients?
SpongeBob SquarePants: They're coming for me! No! No! No! Stay back!
Sheldon J. Plankton: Wait, where did you get that piano?
[SpongeBob hits Plankton with piano]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Great Snail Race/Mid-Life Crustacean (#3.15)" (2003)
[Gary collapses from exhaustion at the Snail Race]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing you too hard?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You did? Oh Gary! Why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You did?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hello, Mr. Krabs. Are you ready to party?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Patrick?
Patrick Star: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay?
Patrick Star: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par...
Pearl Krabs: Stop it! Stop it, dad! You're embarrassing me!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward's last name is Tentacles?
Patrick Star: Poor guy.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [to Gary] Looks like training is gonna start early, ladies. I called you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.
[Elsewhere in Bikini Bottom]
Sandy Cheeks: Hmm. I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.

Referee fish: Are you guys ready?
Patrick Star: Ah! A burglar!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Patrick, that's the official.
Patrick Star: Oh.

Patrick Star: [Holds a rock] Hey, SpongeBob. Check out my new snail.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, your snail is a rock.
Patrick Star: Yeah, thanks, I know. He's got nerves of steel.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I like looking at delicates as much as the next guy, but I thought we were gonna see more of the nightlife. You know, something that'll give me that wild and crazy feeling, if you know what I mean.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Krabs. This is just stop numero uno of our night of debauchery!
Patrick Star: Debauchery!
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery!
[Cut to Krabs, SpongeBob and Patrick picking up trash at a highway pass]
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery? I've never thought of picking up trash on a highway overpass as wild, but if it's what the kids are into...

SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you ready to go crazy?
Patrick Star: I'm already hearing voices!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Good morning, world! I'm ready!
[Camera pans away from SpongeBob]
SpongeBob SquarePants: World?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: As Seen on TV/Can You Spare a Dime? (#3.7)" (2002)
SpongeBob: [angry] When I need a JOB done I get someone with a JOB to do that JOB!
Squidward: What are you saying?

Squidward: SpongeBob, the remotes broken. Get over here and fix it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I have a better idea. Why don't I get someone whose *job* it is to fix it. See cause when I need a *job* done, I get somebody with a *job* to do that *job*.
Squidward: What are you saying?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaaaah!
[screams loudly and pushes Squidward's bed to the Krusty Krab]

Old Man Jenkins: Hey you!
SpongeBob: Top of the morning oldster.
Old Man Jenkins: Hey, I saw you on TV last night.
[Cuts to Old Man Jenkins watching a Bran Flakes commercial]
SpongeBob: You did!
Old Man Jenkins: Yeah, you were on a commercial.
SpongeBob: You're right! Wow, he recognized me.
Old Man Jenkins: [while Spongebob walks away] Yep, see you later Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.

Squidward: I can be anything I set my mind to. I can be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Or a football-playing king in space, with a moustache.
Squidward: Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, that reminds me. There's something I've always wanted to tell you since the first day I met you: Goodbye.

SpongeBob SquarePants: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy, and what could be better than handing out smiles?
Squidward: Being dead, or anything else.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I never knew you felt so strongly about it.
Squidward: Where have you been?

[SpongeBob falls down the stairs into the living room]
Gary: [apathetically] Meow...
SpongeBob: [gasps in anger] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!
Narrator: Three weeks later...
SpongeBob: [exhausted] He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back.
[falls down]
Narrator: Many months later...
SpongeBob: [totally exhausted] I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough.
[falls down again]
New Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.
[SpongeBob crawls into the living room now exhausted than ever]
Gary: [annoyed] Meow, meow, meow!
SpongeBob: [furious] I know he's still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Where's Spongebob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Under the ground] Down here, sir.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: What are you doing down there, boy?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward said I can help by burying myself.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Well, get out of there. I need you to help with the commercial.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Me, in the Krusty Krab commercial, me!

[SpongeBob has discovered that Squidward is homeless]
Squidward: Don't you get it? I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!
SpongeBob: [gasps] Even your paintings?
Squidward: Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them.
[Squidward's stomach is shown in the shape of a picture frame, and then Squidward openly sobs]

SpongeBob: [to Gary] Squidward is not a freeloader and he would never take advantage of me.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Club SpongeBob/My Pretty Seahorse (#3.2)" (2002)
[talking about wild horse he found]
SpongeBob SquarePants: She seems mysterious, so I'll call her Mystery. Come to think of it, she also seems graceful and majestic. Maybe I should call her Grace, or Majesty, or Debbie.

Mr. Krabs: What was that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I was just doing my impression of Mystery. Wee-snaw.
Mr. Krabs: Well, keep working on it. That was terrible.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Mystery, you ate my hat.
[Mystery burps out half-eaten spatula]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mystery, you ate my spatula! You ate all the Krabby Patties! You ate the stove! You ate old man Jenkins!
Old Man Jenkins: [from inside Mystery] I don't want to be a burden.

SpongeBob: Mystery got a belly ache from eating too many krabby patties, so I made her a bicarbonate of soda.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I better call a doctor... 'cause I've got spring fever!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Good morning, Squidward. Lovely spring day, isn't it?
Squidward: Hmph.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Have you said hello to the flowers today?
Squidward: Hello.
[the flowers hiss at Squidward; he shrieks and runs back inside]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I didn't know Squidward had hay fever. I shall do him a kindness and plant some hypoallergenic flowers.

Mr. Krabs: Ahh! A monster, scaring away me customers!
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's no monster, Mr. Krabs. That's my seahorse. She's my friend. I call her Mystery.
Mr. Krabs: You're a mystery, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh magic conch shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
[pulls string]
Magic Conch: Nothing.
Patrick Star: The shell has spoken!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Algae's Always Greener/SpongeGuard on Duty (#3.1)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: A customer asked for a medium drink, and I gave him a large. I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!...

SpongeBob SquarePants: Knick, knack, the patty's back! You did it, Mr. Plankton! Victory screech!

[SpongeBob is trying to keep people from going in the water]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uhh... there are sharks in there!
Shark: Hey, that's my family you're talking about!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uhh... Sea monster!
Sea Monster: You know, we sea monsters have made great strides in the fields of science and literature.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uhh... Somebody went?

Larry the Lobster: You know, SpongeBob, the babes and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing that you're the only thing standing between these good people and a watery grave. That's what it's all about. Their lives are in your hands now, 'cause I have a date with the tanning booth. So long.
[he leaves]
SpongeBob SquarePants: But... I can't swim. If only I had known that being a lifeguard meant guarding their lives, I would never have said yes.

Larry the Lobster: How would you like to take the second shift?
SpongeBob SquarePants: By myself?
Larry the Lobster: If you think you're ready.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm not just ready. I'm ready Freddy.
Larry the Lobster: That's Larry.

Larry the Lobster: [after saving Patrick and Spongebob from drowning in the shallow end] Spongebob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes, Larry?
Larry the Lobster: You're not a lifguard, are you?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No Larry.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm every bit as good as Larry, and if I'm not, then may I be struck by...
[rumble of thunder]
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...a flying ice cream truck.
[a shadow forms over SpongeBob; chimes play]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And live!
[the flying ice cream truck stops short of crushing Spongebob]
Larry the Lobster: [on megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.

Mr. Krabs: Enjoy your victory screech, Plankton, because someday the Krabby Patty formula will be mine!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You'll never get this formula, you twisted fiend!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, but I will. Even if I have to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
[Mr. Krabs leaves the Krusty Krab, as Plankton perspires from nervousness]
Mr. Krabs: And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
SpongeBob SquarePants: [handing Plankton a phone] Phone call, Mr. Plankton.
Mr. Krabs: [on the phone] And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Something Smells/Bossy Boots (#2.1)" (2000)
[SpongeBob commenting on Patrick's disgusting breath]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Barnacles! Patrick, what have you eaten?
Patrick: Some chicken, some roast beef, a pizza...
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I just meant this morning.
Patrick: Some chicken, some roast beef, a pizza...

SpongeBob SquarePants: What's in the box?
Pearl: It's a surprise.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I like surprises.
Pearl: Great, then close your eyes.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
[Pearl puts box over SpongeBob]
Squidward: Well, I like it so far.
Pearl: [Lifts box; SpongeBob is wearing a pink flower leotard with deely-bobs] Ta-da! It's the new Krusty Krab uniform. I made it myself.
Squidward: All right, SpongeBob, this is it. Now tell her what you really think of that uniform.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right. Pearl... this is the best uniform ever!
Squidward: Fish paste.

Pearl: SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Krazy Krab, or the Kooky Krab?
Squidward: For what, dare I ask?
Pearl: The new name for our new look. I mean, the Krusty Krab has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think it's crusty? Bleagh!
Squidward: Sure, it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I got it! How about the Khaotic Krab?
Pearl: Or the Kissy Krab? Mwa-mwa-mwa.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The King Krab.
Pearl: The Kandy Krab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Kool Krab. Or the Kowboy Krab. The Kurly Krab. The Kreepy Krab. The Killer Krab!
Pearl: Ahh! No.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're right, too scary.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Pearl: Hmm... The Kuddly Krab!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm a fry cook, darn it! You can take away my spatula, but when you take away my dignity, that's when I get mad!

Pearl: That Squidward is such a barnacle head.
SpongeBob SquarePants: A stick in the sand.
Pearl: But not you, SpongeBob. You are full of style.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You really think so?
Pearl: Totally, SB. You ooze fashion.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's see what's in my to-do list.
[Pulls out a long list]
SpongeBob SquarePants: "Go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work..." Something's not right. I need the list for Sunday.
[Pulls out an index card]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ah, here it is. "Say 'hi' to everyone in Bikini Bottom."

SpongeBob SquarePants: [entering the bathroom] Patrick is everything ok in here?
[hears Patrick crying he then opens a stall and finds him sitting on a toilet with a paper bag over his head]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you doing in there Patrick?
Patrick: [sniffles] Wouldn't you like to know?
SpongeBob SquarePants: And why is that bag on your head?
Patrick: Why? oh no reason, except you gave me the ugly!
[removes the bag and points at his face, Spongebob then screams in terror]
Patrick: What am I going to do? I can't go out looking like this!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Just remember what we talked about, there's power in pride!
Patrick: That may fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people, now look at me!
[his stinky breath reaches Spongebob and he holds his nose in disgust]
Patrick: I'm almost as ugly as you!, I always thought if I were as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [noticing Patrick] Oh hi Patrick, I'm confused.
Patrick: Yes I am.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick everyone is running away from me, watch
[walks over to a building]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi building!
[his stinky breath hits the building and it springs to life and moves away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I just don't get it!
Patrick: [Spongebob's stinky breath hits Patrick but since he has no nose it just bounces off his face] I don't either, maybe it's the way you're dressed
[shows a close up of Spongebob's clothes]
Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants: Nah
Patrick: Maybe it's your voice
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Spongebob laughs obnoxiously for a long time] Good one Patrick
Patrick: Well maybe it's just because you're ugly
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ugly?
[puts his finger in his mouth and wipes it across his eyebrows then strikes a pose]
SpongeBob SquarePants: you've got to be kidding me.
Patrick: Better try the reflection test
[hands Spongebob a mirror]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [to his reflection] Hi!
[his reflection smells his breath and reacts in disgust then smashes the mirror with a hammer]
Patrick: Ugly!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: BubbleStand/Ripped Pants (#1.2)" (1999)
SpongeBob: [Goes into sand and shows his face to Sandy] Look I'm Sandy!
[Sandy laughs]
SpongeBob: [Spoungebob is Squidward]
[Deep Voice]
SpongeBob: Hey Sandy who am I?
[Sandy Laughs]
SpongeBob: [Sand phone rings]
[Imitating Squidward]
SpongeBob: Hello Spongebob? Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be boring here.
SpongeBob: [Spongebob has 20 Sand Pizzas] Did anyone order 20 Pepperoni and Sand Pizzas?
[Sandy laughs]

SpongeBob: [after almost drowning in water] I ripped my pants.
Sandy Cheeks: [angry] That wasn't funny Spongebob. You had me worried sick!

[SpongeBob washes ashore after wiping out]
Lifeguard: Hey, look. A cardboard box washed up on the beach.
[Looks through spyglass]
Lifeguard: Holy fish paste! It's a guy!
[Runs over]
Lifeguard: Why? Why? *Why?*
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I need... I need...
Lifeguard: What do you need, son?
SpongeBob SquarePants: A tailor. Because I ripped my pants!
[Everyone leaves, disgusted]
Sandy Cheeks: That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick!

SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. Would you like to blow a bubble?
Patrick Star: How much is it?
SpongeBob: One quarter.
Patrick Star: Sounds reasonable. Uhh...
[whispering]
Patrick Star: I'm going to have to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Here you go.
[Hands Patrick a quarter]
Patrick Star: Ah, one quarter.
[Gives it back to SpongeBob; he tests it to see if it's real, then puts it in his pocket]
SpongeBob: Thank you.
Squidward: Hmm. Business is booming.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Ripped pants a la mode!

SpongeBob SquarePants: And now, with the addition of two - Count'em, two - marshmallows.

SpongeBob SquarePants: First go like this, spin around - stop! Double-take three times... one, two, three. Then... pelvic thrust! Woo! Woo! Stop on your right foot - Don't forget it! Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring it around town! Then you do this, and that, this and that, and this and that, and then...
[blows bubble]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, everybody! Not ripped pants...
[Rips out pants]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pants ripped off. Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Naughty Nautical Neighbors/Boating School (#1.4)" (1999)
Squidward: That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself!
[Goes to bathtub; finds Patrick inside]
Squidward: Ahhhh!
Patrick: Hey, buddy! I warmed it up for you!
Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on!
SpongeBob: [Peeking through the window] Something wrong, best friend? Oho, so this is what I find - my best friend and my ex-best friend and... rubber bath toys!

Customer: Hey, I just got my license.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, I'm getting mine next.
Customer: Hey, I doubt it.

SpongeBob: I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.

Patrick: Hey, you're a turkey!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What's that?
Patrick: It's what you are!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick: You are!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Mrs. Puff! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!...
Mrs. Puff: Oh! I'm not ready.

Patrick: What's pink and square at the same time?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know, Patrick.
Patrick: [Wearing SpongeBob's pants] Patrick SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready, Squidward!
Squidward: Ready to move?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, ready to get my boating license.

[repeated line]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sailor Mouth/Artist Unknown (#2.18)" (2001)
[Squidward is teaching art to SpongeBob]
Squidward: Now, repeat after me. I have no talent.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I have no talent.
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles' talent may rub off on me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles all over my art.
[smiles big with his teeth while Squidward stares at him]
Squidward: Whatever.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You, the teacher to my pupil? This isn't art class, it's heaven.
Squidward: Yeah. Well, grab a little piece of heaven and sit down.

SpongeBob SquarePants: MR. KRABS! MR. KRABS! MR. KRABS!
Mr. Krabs: What? What? What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
Mr. Krabs: Yes? Yes? Yes?
SpongeBob SquarePants: He said, he said, he said...
Mr. Krabs: On with it boy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators and he was going up, up, up, and I had to ride the eel and then we ran, and Patrick, he said some things.
Mr. Krabs: What kind of things?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, he said...
Mr. Krabs: Yes...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say and this particular word happens to be word #11 on the list of thirteen words you said shouldn't be said.

SpongeBob SquarePants: These hands were not meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them!
[SpongeBob's hands separate from his arms and hide in a can; Squidward retreives them]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. You have a pair of yellow dandies here. And with my help, they can be tools of beauty.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Squidward: [impatient] Really!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow!... Really?

SpongeBob Squarepants: [rolling dice] come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [reading dumpster] Krabs is a -
[dolphin chirps]
Janitor: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, see you in the AM, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that.
Squidward: [Holding a trash bag] He means this filth, you loon!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: PreHibernation Week/Life of Crime (#2.7)" (2001)
Patrick: Liar, liar, plants for hire.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's pants on fire, Patrick.
Patrick: Well you would know, liar.

SpongeBob Squarepants: But at least it's warm around the fire.
Patrick: Hey, if we're under water, how can there be a...
[Fire goes out]
Patrick: I'm scared, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hibernation? What's that?
Sandy Cheeks: It's when I sleep all winter.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Can I do that?
Sandy Cheeks: No, silly. It's a mammalian thing.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, you may not have noticed, but I is one-hundred-percent ma-male.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Life's as extreme as you wanna make it!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Pulls out two candy bars] Look what I've got!
Patrick: [excited] Rectangles!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not just any rectangles, candy bars!
Patrick: [staring with amazement] Ooh!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [hands one to Patrick] All we have to do is make them last for the rest of our lives.
Patrick: Thanks Spongebob I think I'll eat it now
[quickly scarfs it down and breaths a sigh of relief]
Patrick: I think I'll eat it now
[bites his hand forgetting he had eaten the candy bar]
Patrick: Ow!, hey where'd my candy bar go?
[digs in the sand looking for it]
Patrick: I must have dropped it!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You just ate it Pat, it's all over your face.

Patrick: [continues looking for the candy bar he forgot he ate] I can't find it!, where could it possibly be?
[looks at Spongebob holding his candy bar]
Patrick: Aha!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick: [jumps out of the hole he dug and accusingly points at Spongebob] You stole my candy bar!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No I didn't.
Patrick: Oh so that's how it is huh?, once a thief always a thief!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You ate yours
[points at the candy bar]
SpongeBob SquarePants: this is mine.
Patrick: You took my only food, now I'm going to starve!
[shows a closeup of Patrick's fat and bloated stomach full of cellulite]

[Talking about the advantages of being felons]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And you get to talk tough.
[gruff voice]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Patrick: Let me try. Uh... hey, punk.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Jellyfish Hunter/The Fry Cook Games (#2.19)" (2001)
SpongeBob: [to jellyfish] You're my twelfth catch of the day. I'm going to call you Twelvy.

SpongeBob: Phew! What smells like big business?

SpongeBob: Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the Laying-Under-A-Rock-All-Day Games.
Patrick: Well, at least I don't polish my fingernails.
SpongeBob: You take that back!
[points at Patrick; a shine comes off the tip of his finger]
Patrick: Fingernails! Fingernails! Fingernails!
SpongeBob: You don't even have fingernails!
Patrick: I cannot believe what I'm hearing!
SpongeBob: How can you hear it? You don't have ears, either!
Patrick: You... you... Holes! Holes!
SpongeBob: Conehead!
Patrick: Yellow!
SpongeBob: Pink!

Patrick: Take that, Yellow Boy!
SpongeBob: Laugh it up, Pinky. It's not over yet!
Patrick: That's what you think, but it's not over yet!

Mr. Krabs: Win this for the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: [running] For the Krusty Krab!
Plankton: Win this one because I told you to.
Patrick: [running] Because you told me to!

[a blue jellyfish just cut the power to SpongeBob's house]
SpongeBob: I guess Gary forgot to pay the electric bill.

[SpongeBob is holding a large red wrench in attempt to release all the jellyfish]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, boy, what are you doing with that?
SpongeBob: Something that should've been done a long time ago!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krabby Land/The Camping Episode (#3.17)" (2004)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess I'll never know the real meaning of summer. There was a time I thought I knew, but that was a long time ago.
Squidward: You mean this morning?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah.

[after Squidward is attacked by the Seabear]
Squidward: What did I do this time?
SpongeBob: I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
Squidward: Move over!
[he jumps into the Anti-Seabear circle; the Seabear growls at Squidward before seeing the circle and threatens him before moving away]

SpongeBob: I call this one The Campfire Song Song
SpongeBob: [singing] Let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song, out C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song and if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along
Patrick: [in Squidward's ear] Baum, baum, baum
SpongeBob: [singing a bit faster] C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, Patrick
Patrick: [singing off key] SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E
SpongeBob: Squidward
Squidward: [silence]
SpongeBob: Good!
SpongeBob: [singing again] It'll help! It'll help! If you just sing along! Oh yeah!

SpongeBob: [singing] Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song/Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E song/And if you don't think that we can sing faster then you're wrong/But it'll help if you just sing along.

SpongeBob: It's bad to play your clarinet badly out in the wilderness, it might attract a Seabear.

SpongeBob SquarePants: He's right, Squidward, Seabears are all too real. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's *cousin*...
Squidward: YOU'RE RIGHT!

SpongeBob: I call this one The Campfire Song Song.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Just One Bite/The Bully (#3.3)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ahhh. He's going to kick my butt.
Old Man: Hi there, nice day isn't it?
Bystander: So you like kicking butts Old Man, do you? Well we'll show you!
[crowd attacks old man]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Why would Flats want to kick my butt? I didn't say two words to the guy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Flashback] Hi. I'm SpongeBob.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Present] One, two... Oh, no, that's three! What am I gonna do?

Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob, if I were trapped in the bottom of a well for three years, and had nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first. And not just the extra ones.
SpongeBob SquarePants: But it's good for you!
Squidward Tentacles: Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Squidward. I meant... good for your soul.
[Celestial light shines on SpongeBob, who has wings and a halo]
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, please. I have no soul
[Fire appears behind Squidward, accompanied by sinister laughter]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, you can't eat all those Krabby Patties at once! Squidward!
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, what's going to happen? Am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, worse. They'll go right to your thighs.
Squidward Tentacles: My thighs?
[Pull back on Squidward's enormous legs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And then you'll blow up.
[Explosion; Cut to an ambulance, where Squidward's head is on a seat, while his legs are on a bucket]
Paramedic: Yeah, I remember my first Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Flatts tires himself out punching SpongeBob] Do not cheer me, fellow adult students. Flatts is the real victim here. A victim of a society that's going down a violent road to nowhere... a road I call Violence Road.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [hiding in toilet; hears someone coming] I've got to act natural.
Bystander: [opens toilet, sees kitchen sponge floating in it] Oh, that's real nice.
[leaves]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [answering a pay phone at the boating school] Death row. Next in line speaking.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Born Again Krabs/I Had an Accident (#3.16)" (2003)
SpongeBob: From now on I am on round the clock butt patrol.

The Flying Dutchman: OK Krabs, I'll let you stay. But first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between Spongebob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
Mr. Krabs: That depends. How much money we talking about?
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs?
The Flying Dutchman: 62 cents.
Mr. Krabs: I'll take the money.
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Why's it in a cage?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because it growled at me.
[Krabby Patty growls]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [snowboarding] Hey, Sandy! Watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [imitating Squidward] Everybody's an idiot except me.
Squidward: Well, it's true.

Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
SpongeBob: My what has a what now?
Doctor: Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing. It took 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples, so we had to use a glue stick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky luck boy. But next time I want you to be more careful. One more injury like that, and you could end up like that poor creature there, in the iron butt.
Iron Butt Fish: Oh, man. It itches.

[last lines]
SpongeBob: [now ripped in half by the gorilla] Patrick? Sandy?
Patrick, Sandy Cheeks: [in unison, tied in a sack] Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore, but I'm terrifed of gorillas now.
Sandy Cheeks: Oh, that's alright, SpongeBob. Us too.
SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand though?
SpongeBob: [other half] What?
SpongeBob: What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?
[the gorilla's eyes widen up in shock]
Gorilla: [nervously] Well, that's funny, you should - I mean, you see that - George, they're onto us!
George: Let's get out of here!
[the gorilla and the horse run away into the sunset as Sandy, Patrick, and SpongeBob watch them, a family is watching this as the mom and dad look at each other, the dad shuts off the TV as the screen goes to black]

The Flying Dutchman: Who dares back sass the Flying Dutchman?
SpongeBob SquarePants: That would be me, SpongeBob Back-sassPants!


The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie (2004) (VG)
Mindy: How fast do you think you guys can slide?
SpongeBob: Will this answer your question... lolololo
Patrick: lololololo

SpongeBob: Plankton there's no where left to run
Plankton: You're too late, Spongebob. King Neptune is already at the Krusty Krab 2 getting ready to fry Mr Krabs and there's nothing you can do about it He He
SpongeBob: We'll just see about that.
Plankton: I love to stay and chat but I have a show to catch
[flies away]
Plankton: Plan Z! I love ya!
SpongeBob: YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS PLANKTON!

SpongeBob: If anyone knows what this screen does, please tell me.

SpongeBob: Do you have any 3's?
Patrick: Go fish!

Patrick: Big hair!
SpongeBob: Patrick, I think you mean "air."

Mindy: I've got challenges.
SpongeBob: Well, we got skills. Man skills.
Patrick: We do? Oh, can I have mine now? Please, please, please?

SpongeBob: Talk about pretty rock formations, Patrick. This one's a beaut!
[laughs]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Grandma's Kisses/Squidville (#2.6)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [throwing a tantrum] I don't wanna grow up! I want cookies! And milkie! I want a sweater with love in the stitches! I wanna wear diadeys! I wanna ride in my wagon! I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! I wanna rocky-rock on my seahorsey! And I want kissy-kissy on MY boo-boo!
[throws himself down on his grandma's floor and sobs]

Patrick: You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.
[SpongeBob puffs out his chest]
Patrick: Now say, "tax exemption."
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.
[Both listen intently to jazz music]
Patrick: Okay, you're ready.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [to Patrick as Squidward runs past] That looked like Squidward!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [an angry crowd runs past] That looked like Squidward also! In angry mob form!

Patrick: All right, this is it. What are you going to tell your grandma?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm a grown-up!
Patrick: No ifs, ands or buts about it!
SpongeBob SquarePants: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
Patrick: Then you get behind her and I'll push.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, we didn't say that.
Patrick: Oh, right.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, you're steaming. You're like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, everyone's in a good mood today.
Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob. They're laughing at you, not with you.

[Looking for Squidward in a crowd of squids]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you Squidward?
Squid #1: No.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you Squidward?
Squid #2: No.
Patrick: [to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward?
[silence]
Patrick: It's okay. Take your time.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Lost Mattress/Krabs vs. Plankton (#4.2)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Cross-examining a mop] So, it was you who made the floor slippery, wasn't it? Answer the question! Need I remind you, sir, that you are under oath?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Defense calls Mr. Squidward to the stand.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, Squidward. A loyal employee.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr... Tentacles, is it? My client has been called cheap. Do you agree with this ludicrous statement?
Squidward: Yes.
Mr. Krabs: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let me rephrase the question. Can you recall an instance of Mr. Krabs' generosity in any way?
Squidward: Nope. Can I go now? My first day off in three years and I have to spend it testifying?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Run, Mr. Krabs! Run like you're not in a coma!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I've never seen so many mattresses in one place!
Patrick Star: I know.
SpongeBob SquarePants: How many do you think their are?
Patrick Star: [long pause] Ten.

Squidward: Okay, here's the plan. You two sneak in there, remove the mattress from underneath the guard worm, without waking the worm.
Patrick Star: Why not?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because that would be rude, Patrick.

Plankton: But the worst part is, that my dreams of running a marathon like I promised my dear old Grammy have been dashed. I'm sorry, Gram-Gram! I'm sorry!
[Jury starts sobbing]
Plankton: Thank you for your kind attention.
[to himself]
Plankton: ... suckers.
Judge: Does the defendant have an opening statement?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes, Your Honor. Poor Gram-Gram!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [in a mattress store] Wow, look at all these mattresses! How many do you think here are?
Patrick: [looks around the store] Ten.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cool.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Pizza Delivery/Home Sweet Pineapple (#1.5)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I've got bad news, guys. Look at what happened to my house, it's gone. It's all gone. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah!
[surprised look on Patrick's face]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, your house is gone!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza / For you and me / The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza...
Squidward Tentacles: ...and my feet are killing me.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Chanting] Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Saved-saved, saved-saved, saved-saved-saved-saved-saved-saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Yes, we are saved!
Squidward Tentacles: It's just a stupid boulder.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's not just a boulder. It's a rock.
[Crying]
SpongeBob SquarePants: A rock! A rock! A great, big, beautiful rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob! Will you stop talking about the stupid pioneers? Have you noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive...
[SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the rock]
Squidward Tentacles: ... rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess we'll have to move back in with my parents.
Patrick: You can't move back in with your parents. When my parents threw me out of the house, I never looked back.

Squidward Tentacles: [SpongeBob is being dragged by the wind] Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't, it's for the customer!
Squidward Tentacles: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I do!
Squidward Tentacles: Well, I don't!
[the wind stops]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasp] Squidward!
[wind starts up again]

SpongeBob SquarePants: I think town's that way.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes. Moss always points to civilization.
Squidward Tentacles: That way? That way there? Let me get this straight. You're saying we should go that way?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yup.
Squidward Tentacles: Well, then I'm going this way.
[Walks in the other direction]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh? Wait, Squidward! I don't think...
Squidward Tentacles: Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
[they walk away; camera pulls back to show town in opposite direction]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Jellyfishing/Plankton! (#1.3)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. We're going jellyfishing.
Squidward: Of course you are.
SpongeBob: Wait. Don't you want to join us? We made a net especially for you.
Squidward: [Sarcastic] Me? Go jellyfishing with you guys? Oh, that would be the best day ever in my book. I would love to go jellyfishing. I can't think of anything better to do in my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...
Patrick Star: Patrick.
Squidward: Right. But I can't. Goodbye.
SpongeBob: Next time, then?
Squidward: Oh, sure. Whatever.

Squidward: One Krabby Patty for table two. SpongeBob, I don't have all day.
SpongeBob: [French accent] Oui oui! Un Krabby Patty, Monsieur. First, le patty.
[Tosses the patty in the air and catches it with his pores]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Next, les ingredients. Aiee!
[Tosses the ingredients in the air and catches them with his pores]
SpongeBob: Le mustard.
[Squirts mustard in the air and catches it in his eye]
Squidward: Le quit fooling around. Where's my Krabby Patty?
SpongeBob: Le hold on a second.
[Takes off his head, shakes it, and puts it back on]
SpongeBob: [Reaches under Squidward's nose and pulls out the completed patty] And voilá! It's under your nose.
[Laughs]
Squidward: Ha-ha! You're killing me, SpongeBob. Ha-ha! You really are.

Plankton: You could say we're friends, right?
SpongeBob: Um, no.
Plankton: Acquaintences?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: Well, we're both invertebrates, right?
SpongeBob: I guess so.
Plankton: You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I've been keeping it in my secret compartment.
[Reaches behind his back and pulls out a spatula]
Plankton: Ching! Sparkle sparkle!
SpongeBob: Wow! A golden spatula! It's even got my name on it.
Plankton: It's a gift. A gift from a friend. Friends give each other gifts. And tomorrow's my birhtday. And do you know what I like more than anything in the whole world?
SpongeBob: A booster seat?
Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog!... I mean, no. What I want for my birthday from you, my friend is one of those tender... delicious... mouth-watering... Krabby Patties.
SpongeBob: [Gasp] You just want to be friends so you can get your hands on the Krabby Patty. And I bet it's not even your birhtday tomorrow.
Plankton: Gee, and I thought you were stupid.
SpongeBob: You'll never get a Krabby Patty from me. Even if we are friends. Never! Never! Never! Never!
Plankton: Oh, I'll get a Krabby Patty. And you're gonna hand-deliver it to me personally. You weak minded fool!
[Plays omninous music on his record player]
Plankton: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Plankton: Spongebob, we're friends right? Friends do things for eachother. And tomorrow's my birthday. Do you know what I want?
SpongeBob SquarePants: A booster seat?
Plankton: Hot-dog! A booster seat! YES! I mean no. I want... a tender... scrumptious... juicy... Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasps] Plankton! I know what this is! You're just pretending to be my friend so you can get your hands on a Krabby Patty! And I bet tomorrow isn't even your birthday!
Plankton: Jeez. And I thought you were stupid.

[Plankton has SpongeBob in his power and is about to make him drop a Krabby Patty into his analyzer]
Plankton: This little piggy brought home a Krabby Patty, and this little piggy will help me drop it in. Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?
SpongeBob: I just have to say, I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabbs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. But most of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty.
Plankton: Hmmm.
SpongeBob: I'll never forget your delicious, juicy, scrumptious, steamy goodness.
Plankton: Steamy!
SpongeBob: Made with 100% all-natural secret ingredients, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onions, all nestled together between two seaweed seed buns.
Plankton: Yes. Yes! *Yes!* Come to papa!
[He jumps at the patty, but bounces off and falls into the analyzer]
Plankton: Oh, boy.
[zap!]
Karen: Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas.
Plankton: [Appears on the computer monitor] Well, this stinks.

Patrick, SpongeBob: [chanting] Jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooky/Mermaidman and Barnacleboy II (#1.20)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: The hooks, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, the hooks. They draw you in with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors. But just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab you by the britches, and haul you up higher, and higher, and higher, all the way up to the surface, flopping and gasping for air. Then the cook you, and then they eat you... or worse!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What could be worse than that?
Mr. Krabs: Gift shops.

Mermaid Man: That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime...
[snaps fingers]
Mermaid Man: ...just like that!
[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]
Atomic Flounder: Help, somebody there!
SpongeBob: You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!
Mermaid Man: Stop kid! Stop! Let him go!
SpongeBob: But you said he could turn back to crime...
[snaps fingers]
SpongeBob: ...like that!
Atomic Flounder: What? Get offa me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... ROOAAAAARRR!
[Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]
Atomic Flounder: ...do that!

Mr. Krabs: What did I tell you about those hooks, boy?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I...
Patrick: I'll tell you about the hooks. You ride them up and up and up, and then you gently float back down.
Mr. Krabs: And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gift shop!
Mr. Krabs: Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna, with nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise.
[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in horror]
Mr. Krabs: I want you to promise me you will never go near those hooks again.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: We promise, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: I wanna hear a sailor's promise. Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.
Mr. Krabs: [a hook gooses him] Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

Mermaid Man: That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime
[snaps fingers]
Mermaid Man: just like that
[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]
Atomic Flounder: Help, somebody there!
SpongeBob: You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!
Mermaid Man: No, lad! Don't!
SpongeBob: But you said he could turn back to crime
[snaps fingers]
SpongeBob: like that.
Atomic Flounder: What? Get off me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... Roar!
[Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]
Atomic Flounder: ...do that.

SpongeBob: Doesn't look like any carnival I ever...
[bumps into a hook]
SpongeBob: Excuse me.
[gasps as he sees the hook]
SpongeBob: Stop Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick. Those are hooks. Mr. Krabs said they were really dangerous.
Patrick: [sits on a hook] Hmmm, I sense no danger here, how can they be dangerous?, they're covered with free cheese!
SpongeBob: All I know is that Mr. Krabs said... Patrick, don't do that!
Patrick: [puts a hook with cheese in his mouth] Cheesy!, no danger here, go on, try it
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: SpongeBob let me ask you something
[puts 9 hooks in his mouth]
Patrick: does this look dangerous?
SpongeBob: [screaming] Patrick don't!
Patrick: Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by mysel...
[hooks pulls him up]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, help! Oh, Patrick, come back. Oh, my best friend.
[Patrick floats down and SpongeBob runs into him as he hits the ground]
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're alive.
Patrick: Am I ever, you should try it
SpongeBob: But... What about the surface?, and your britches?, and the gift shops?
Patrick: You just jump off before you get too high.

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, you're going the wrong way
SpongeBob: I always go to work this way
Patrick: You're not going to work today, we're going to play hooky!
SpongeBob: But Patrick we promised
Patrick: Well I had my fingers crossed
SpongeBob: You don't have any fingers Patrick
Patrick: Well that Mr. Krabs is just a big dummy, we played on those hooks all day long and nothing happened to us
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: [interrupting him] Look SpongeBob are you going to listen to a big dummy, or are you going to listen to me?
SpongeBob: Umm


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Nature Pants/Opposite Day (#1.9)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward. Oops... I mean, goodbye, Squidward. Aw, isn't Opposite Day... terrible?

SpongeBob: Aha! I understand everything now. I must be the opposite of SpongeBob by being...
[Pulls on his nose to make it droopy and ties his belt around his head]
SpongeBob: ...Squidward.
Patrick Star: Hey, I wanna be opposite too.
[SpongeBob puts a fake nose on Patrick]
Patrick Star: Yeah, finally! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite.
SpongeBob: [speaks like Squidward] You have to act like him, too. Boy, oh, boy. Do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long, but I never get any better. Now you try it.
Patrick Star: Okay.
[Takes deep breath]
Patrick Star: I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

Patrick Star: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that.
SpongeBob: You have?
Patrick Star: No, what is it?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Gary! It's Opposite Day and I'm - Walk, don't run - and I'm going to - Opposite. Opposite - I'm just going to crawl into bed and do nothing all day. Too bad it only comes once a year. Huh, Gary?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?
Gary: Woof.

SpongeBob: And Squidward, I want you to have this can opener.
Squidward: And I thought this friendship would never pay off.

Sandy Cheeks: Hey, SpongeBob. Whatcha doing? Are you having a garage sale?
SpongeBob: No. I'm giving up my material possessions to live a more natural life among the jellyfish.
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob, Of all the crazy schemes. Why do you want to live with jellyfish? They're cold and mean and none too bright.
SpongeBob: Oh, Sandy. That is exactly the kind of response I expect from someone who lives the sham of a life I once led. I'm going to prove I don't need any of this stuff to be happy. Maybe someday you'll wise up and join me. Goodbye.
[Takes off pants]
SpongeBob: I won't be needing this.
[Runs off naked, buzzing]
Squidward: He took off his pants.
Sandy Cheeks: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.
[They both leave; Patrick stays behind]
Patrick Star: [Crying] Patrick sad!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Pressure/The Smoking Peanut (#2.12)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother. And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg.

Sandy: I'm a squirrel, see.
[Points to a logo of an acorn on her suit]
SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts?

SpongeBob SquarePants: You know what that cloud reminds me of?
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: A flower.
Sandy: SpongeBob, they all look like flowers. All the time.
SpongeBob SquarePants: They sure do.

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!
[Spongebob screams in terror and his limbs and eyes pop off]
Patrick: This is it all the clues are coming together, I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! I'm so close to solving this crime I can almost taste it!
[shows a closeup of Patrick's mouth as he licks what appears to be SpongeBob]
Patrick: [zooms out to reveal he's licking a Popsicle with Spongebob's skin pattern on it] Boy fighting crime sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot!
SpongeBob SquarePants: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!

Police fish: [to Spongebob] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [nervously] Y-Yes!
[his upper body drops into his pants]
Police fish: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes...
Police fish: And are you familiar with this peanut?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [his pants rip open and his body parts fall out] Yes!
Police fish: One more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [cries] Yes, yes, it's true!, it's all true!, the merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
Police fish: That's all we need to know son. Book him!
[puts handcuffs on Patrick]
Patrick: Wow you guys are good, I'm the last person I would've expected, but I was looking for me all the time!, It's the perfect crime!

Sandy Cheeks: [hears Clamu crying in the background] Oh I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter, what kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about Sandy
Sandy Cheeks: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!
[rips a phone book in half]
Sandy Cheeks: Now what was it you wanted to talk about SpongeBob?
[Spongebob reacts nervously and starts twitching]
Sandy Cheeks: Hey SpongeBob how come you're all twitchy like that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut!
[He runs home]
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob doesn't have hair!... or does he?
[reacts in disgust]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Hall Monitor/Jellyfish Jam (#1.7)" (1999)
[SpongeBob is assigned hall monitor]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yahoo! Hall monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty! I am ready to take my position... IN THE HALL! I will protect all those who are weak... IN THE HALL! All laws will be enforced... IN THE HALL!

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: That's "Hall Monitor" to you.
Patrick: Sorry, officer.
SpongeBob: Sorry's not good enough, Patrick. You've commited a crime, and I'm taking you in.
Patrick: What crime?
[SpongeBob points at the ice cream cone Patrick dropped on the ground]
Patrick: [crying] I'm a bad person!

SpongeBob SquarePants: It is our duty to bring this maniac to justice, but how to procede? Listen, deputy. You're an ex-criminal. What would you do?
Patrick: Hmmm... I'd get an ice cream.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick coming out of an ice-cream parlor]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, now what?
Patrick: Hmmm...
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick coming out of the ice-cream parlor again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This isn't working.

[sees SpongeBob in the distance; mistakes him for the Maniac]
Patrick: [On walkie-talkie] SpongeBob! I see him!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Where is he?
Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's where I am! He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?
Patrick: He's just standing there... menacingly! Get out of there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yaaah!
Patrick: That's his maniac shriek! He's going to attack!
[SpongeBob runs around in circles, crying]
Patrick: He's acting all crazy! Run, SpongeBob, run! Quick, hide behind that building! No, wait! He just ran by that building! Hide behind that street sign! No, wait! The maniac just went by that sign! Get underneath that street light! No! He's there too! Run for your life!
[SpongeBob dives inside a mailbox; inside, he hears Patrick on the walkie-talkie, intercut by static]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Say that again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox!
[SpongeBob screams and runs off]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [patrolling the streets as hall monitor, he sees a couple inside a house] An open window!
Female Fish: More seaweed medley, dear?
SpongeBob SquarePants: They've left themselves susceptible to danger. I must teach them the error of their ways... through example.
[SpongeBob jumps through the window wearing a ski mask]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yaaah! I'm the open window maniac!
[the couple run out the door]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

[SpongeBob has a jellyfish on a leash]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward. Meet my new pet.
Squidward: That's no pet. That's a wild animal.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No he isn't. He can do tricks.
[Throwing a stick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Fetch!
[Jellyfish fetches stick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?
[Jellyfish buzzes three times]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Play dead!
[Jellyfish is buried under a tombstone, then comes out]
Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty-trained.
[Jellyfish is sitting on a toilet, reading the newspaper and humming]
Squidward: I didn't need to see that.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Nasty Patty/Idiot Box (#3.4)" (2002)
Squidward: Let me get this straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the box?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.

Mr. Krabs: We've been duped!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *Duped*!
Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!
SpongeBob SquarePants: We've been smackledorfed!
Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word and I agree with ya!

SpongeBob SquarePants: But Mister Krabs, there's no reason to worry. The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.
Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son?

SpongeBob SquarePants: You're right, Mr. Krabs. I'm guilty. I'll never survive in prison. They'll mop up the floor with me!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, we don't need television! Not as long as we have our imaginaaaaaaaation!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm/Squid on Strike (#2.20)" (2001)
Sandy: I'm going to give that legless fiend what-fer, and there's nothing you can say that's gonna stop me.
SpongeBob: What if I said "blargen fa-diddle nachen?"
Sandy: Well, I gotta admit that's slowed me down.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Krusty Krab is unfair! Mr. Krabs is in there, standing at the concession, plotting his oppresssion!
Fish: What the heck does that mean?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know. Squidward told me to yell it at people.

Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob, don't you worry about me. I can take care of myself. After all, who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom?
[pulls a realistic boat down by the chain of its anchor]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You are.
Sandy Cheeks: And who put the "hiya-hi-ho-K" in karate?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [shaped into a "U"] You did.
Sandy Cheeks: And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [his butt reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks"] You do.

Sandy Cheeks: [after wrestling the worm in a cave] Boy, that critter put up some sort of fight, but as you can see, I'm from Texas, and no worm is a match for me. I even found my tail!
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's not the worm.
Sandy Cheeks: Pardon?
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's not the worm. That's his tongue.
[camera pulls back; the "cave" has two beady eyes]
Sandy Cheeks: Oh... this is the tongue, and the whole thing is the... worm. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, you don't know what you're up against! We're talking about an Alaskan Bull Worm!
Sandy Cheeks: Well, I don't know nothin' about Alaska, but looky here. Back in Texas I wrangled bulls and I wrangled worms. As far as I'm concerned, doing both together just saves rope.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Help Wanted/Reef Blower/Tea at the Treedome (#1.1)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Krabs, Please give me a chance. I'll prove to you that I'm fry cook material. Just ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me.
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward step aside to confer]
Squidward: [Deep inhale] No.

SpongeBob SquarePants: What is air?
Patrick: Huh?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I just met this girl. She wears a hat full of... air.
Patrick: Do you mean she puts on airs?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess so.
Patrick: That's just fancy talk. If you wanna be fancy, hold your pinky up, like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Holds up pinky] How's this?
Patrick: Higher.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [holds his pinky up higher] Like this?
Patrick: Now that's fancy! They should call you SpongeBob FancyPants.

[Inside Sandy's treedome, a desperately thirsty SpongeBob is looking at a flower vase full of water]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Thinking] I don't need it. I don't need it. I definitely don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it.
[pause]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [shouts] I... need... it!

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm Ready!

SpongeBob SquarePants: There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, with the Help Wanted sign on the front. I've waited years for this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight up to the manager, look at him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and - I can't do it!
[turns away, but is stopped by Patrick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick!
Patrick: Where do you think you're going?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I was just...
Patrick: No, you're not. You go in there and get that job.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I can't! Don't you see?
Patrick: Who's first words were "May I take your order?"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in shop class?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I did.
Patrick: Who's a... who... Ungh... Who's a big, yellow cube with holes?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I am!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: *I'm ready!*


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy/Pickles (#1.6)" (1999)
Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: [unenthusiastic] Hooray.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Whoop-dee-doo.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Oh, Boy...
SpongeBob SquarePants: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place while I was gone: Squidward. Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hip-hip...
Deep vioce in crowd: Boo! You stink!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You can't retire now, there's evil afoot.
Mermaid Man: [terrified] Evil! Evil! Where is it?

Mermaid Man: If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Orderly: What is going on in here?
Mermaid Man: [Points at SpongeBob] You may kiss the bride!
[SpongeBob is kicked out of the retirement home and rolls back home]
Patrick Star: Did you reunite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No, but I'm married.

SpongeBob: [Wearing underwear on head and walking backwards] Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?
Mr. Krabs: Why are you talking funny, man?
SpongeBob: I anything can't do right since because pickles.
Mr. Krabs: Nonsense. You'll be back working at the Krusty Krab in no time.
SpongeBob: I don't think ready back go to work, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You're doing just fine.
[SpoongeBob walks through a closed door]
Mr. Krabs: Well, maybe not. All you need to do is get your confidence back, so you can make me more money... er, I mean, patties. He-he.
SpongeBob: I how do that?
Mr. Krabs: It's like riding a bike. You never forget.
[Sees a bicycle on a boiling pot in SpongeBob's stove]
Mr. Krabs: Uh, I'm going to help you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look! He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
Female fish: And there's my car keys!
Bubblebass: And... there's my ride!
[Runs off]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SB-129/Karate Choppers (#1.14)" (1999)
SpongeBob Squarepants: I'll slice the buns!
Sandy: I'll dice the tomatoes!
SpongeBob Squarepants: Then I'll cut the cheese!

Mr. Krabs: Are you on allergy medication, boy?
SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs. I'm practicing my karate... or kara-te, as some call it.
Mr. Krabs: Kara-te? You should be making money-e, with your spatu-le.

Sandy Cheeks: I love karate.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I love kara-te.
Mr. Krabs: I love money-e.
Squidward: I hate all of you.

SpongeBob Squarepants: How much fun was that?
Sandy: Almost some.

SpongeBob Squarepants: [as SpongeTron] Welcome to the future!
Squidward: Uh, the future...
[notices everything's chrome]
Squidward: Huh? Okay, uh, what's going on here? Why is everything... chrome?
SpongeBob Squarepants: Everything is chrome in the future.
Squidward: Wha...?
[stammers then runs to look outside a window]
Squidward: Oh, my...
[notices the chrome environment]
Squidward: Impossible! He's lying!
[sees a flower pop up, then someone comes by and sprays the flower with chrome spray paint]
Squidward: He's right!
SpongeBob Squarepants: Of course I'm right, Squidward. Just ask my clones: SpongeTrons X, Y, and Z.
Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?
SpongeBob Squarepants: Sure, all 486 of them.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Wet Painters/Krusty Krab Training Video (#3.10)" (2002)
[SpongeBob and Patrick are going to paint Mr. Krabs' living room]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?
Patrick: No way, SpongeBob. We're not getting paid to move stuff.
SpongeBob: Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.
Patrick: Well that's what I said! We're not getting paid, and that's final!
SpongeBob: OK! We'll just paint around all this stuff.
Patrick: Good. Just don't pay me.

Narrator: But what does POOP mean?
[SpongeBob shrugs]
Narrator: It's actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely: People Order Our Patties.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ohhhhhhh. POOP.
Narrator: Looks like Mr. SquarePants understands POOP.

[SpongeBob is covering up Mr. Krabs' damaged first dollar by hanging on the wall]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, you know, just hanging around.
Patrick: [giving a thumbs down] Boo!

Patrick: [attempting to get the paint off the dollar by whacking it with a club] Off!, off!, off!
SpongeBob: Nothing's working!
Patrick: Wait Spongebob, we're not cavemen
[points at a computer]
Patrick: we have technology!
[picks up the computer and smashes it over the dollar repeatedly]
SpongeBob: It didn't work.

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, check this out! Two ordinary patties, but when expertly tossed with the skill of a champ, they become...
Patrick: ...A one way ticket to *pain*!
[smashes into Mr. Krabb's door]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Wormy/Patty Hype (#2.5)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm MAD!
Patrick: Me too.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why are YOU mad?
Patrick: [looks up, and seethes] I can't see my forehead! Why are YOU mad?

[about the butterfly]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, we can't leave that monster in Sandy's house. It might eat Sandy's other pets.
Patrick: Or worse it might eat Sandy's pets.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, it might eat Sandy.

[Wormy has transformed into a butterfly]
Patrick: What is that thing, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know, Patrick, but whatever it is, it must have eaten Wormy!
Patrick: Why does this keep happening to me?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, how long has it been?
[Patrick looks at his watch, which is just drawn on his wrist with crayon]
Patrick: Aw, I have to draw a new battery for this.

Patrick: [to a bird] Whistling
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I didn't know you speak bird.
Patrick: That's not bird Spongebob; that's Italian.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: No Free Rides/I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (#2.10)" (2001)
[they are at the jellyfish convention]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cool state of the art jellyfish nets!
Patrick: [touches] Touch.
Security: Don't touch.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow! The harpoon from Jellyfish: The Movie!
Patrick: [touches] Touch.
Security: Don't touch!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Look! Dr. Manowar! The guy who got stung by Big Lenny and lived!
Dr. Manowar: ...And now it only hurts when you touch it.
[Patrick touches, doctor screams]
Patrick: Touch.
Security: Do I have to follow you all day?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, Mrs. Puff. How many points was that?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Six.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Whooooo! And how many points do I need to pass?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Six.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Whooooo...
Mrs. Poppy Puff: ...Hundred.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wha?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow! I've never been bait before. I don't believe I've seen a queen jellyfish, either.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Then I bet you've never used a queen jellyfish call before.
[Gives SpongeBob a whistle; he blows on it and it sounds like "Loser"]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, I've heard this call before.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: I'll bet you have.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: You're too kind. Security!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, wait! I'd do anything for you!
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Why don't you go jump off a building.
[SpongeBob jumps off building, returns]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Anything.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Punch yourself in the face.
[SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove]
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Doesn't that hurt you?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Puts on a metal gauntlet with spikes] Do you want it to hurt me, Kevin?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: That's nice. Security!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, no! I'll do anything you want!
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Go jump off a building.
[SpongeBob jumps off building, returns]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Anything.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Punch yourself in the face.
[SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove]
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Doesn't that hurt?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Puts on a metal gauntlet with spikes] Do you want it to hurt, Kevin?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Fools in April/Neptune's Spatula (#1.19)" (2000)
Neptune: The accursed stove has burnt my finger.
[zaps stove]
Neptune: Feel thine own wrath, stove! Ha ha!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?
Neptune: [ashamed] Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Woo, I'm thirsty.
[Pulls an enormous pitcher of lemonade out of the fridge]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This is an extreme thirst.
[Cut to SpongeBob in front of dozens of glasses of lemonade]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Boy, I can't wait to drink all these drinks. April Fool!
[Looks in mirror]
SpongeBob SquarePants: To me.

Neptune: So, little one? You think you are worthy of being the royal fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You shall be tested in a challenge.
Patrick: Bring it on. SpongeBob can handle any...
[Neptune zaps him]
Patrick: Ouch.
Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.
Patrick: Two? What is two challenges to someone like SpongeBob?
[Neptune zaps him again]
Neptune: Three challenges!
Patrick: Only three? Three challenges is nothing. It might as well be... five hundred challenges.
Neptune: Enough!
[Zaps Patrick]
Patrick: [Now just a smudge on the ground] We'll settle for one.
Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in... the Ultimate Cookoff!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I will accept your challenge, if you fix my friend.
Neptune: Ah, yes. The round one. I shall restore him.
[restores Patrick, only he has no face]
Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
[turns around; his face is on his butt]
Patrick: SpongeBob? There you are.
SpongeBob SquarePants: How you feeling?
Patrick: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm not good enough to to cook in Atlantis Patrick, I should've never taken the challenge
Patrick: Don't give up on your dream SpongeBob, people used to tell me: "Patrick you'll never amount to anything, you'll always have your head in the clouds" Well just look at me now!
[points at his face on his butt]
Patrick: [the bell rings] Go get em tiger!

Neptune: This joke has gone on far enough!, where's my fry cook?
[everyone runs except Patrick]
Neptune: [pointing at Patrick] Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know how to cook a burger to serve a royal palate!
[Patrick points at SpongeBob]
Neptune: What? Am I expected to believe that this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof?
[Patrick shows him the picture he took of SpongeBob holding the royal spatula]
Neptune: Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the Royal tail fin! And besides it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle, there are certain qualities a royal fry cook must have.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Like?
Neptune: The Royal fry cook must be left handed
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually I've got two
[shows him his two left hands]
Neptune: [snaps his fingers as he comes up with another idea] Also the Royal fry cook wears red underwear
[Spongebob shows him his red underwear]
Neptune: no blue
[Spongebob shows him blue underwear underneath]
Neptune: The Royal fry cook's wallet contains...
[Spongebob shows him his wallet]
Neptune: His big toes...
[Spongebob shows him his big toes]
Neptune: Uh, he has six...
Patrick: [interrupting him] He is the new Royal fry cook and you...
Neptune: Silence!
[zaps him]
Patrick: [charred and smoking] It is hot in here or what?
[faints]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasps] Patrick! You hurt my friend!, You're not a king your a bully and a liar!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Valentine's Day/The Paper (#1.16)" (2000)
Squidward: [comes out on drive on car] Hey, SpongeBob, can your stupid paper do this?
SpongeBob: [comes past flying using the paper] Nope...
[flies off]

Patrick: If it's not the cotton candy, then what is it? I can't take it!
SpongeBob: You'll have to guess.
Patrick: This tent?
SpongeBob: No.
Patrick: This guy?
SpongeBob: No.
Patrick: [Looking through microscope] This paramecium?
SpongeBob: Ha ha! Nope.
Patrick: You're a sly one.

Patrick: You broke my heart. Now I'm gonna break something of yours!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick. I know I deserve it. But do they?
Patrick: They didn't get me anything either.
[the others throw valentines and gifts at Patrick's feet]
Patrick: Nope, it's too late for that now... for all of you!

Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, I bet you can't play music on a piece of paper.
[plays on his clarinet]
SpongeBob: [he claps] Hurray! That was great, Squidward! All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.
Squidward: I didn't play any wrong notes.
[plays again]
SpongeBob: Yeah, see, you're playing it like this...
[plays like Squidward with the paper]
SpongeBob: when ordinarily it goes like this.
[plays it right]
SpongeBob: [stops playing] I'm partial to playing in the key of A minor myself.
[a huge piece of music appears in the background]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: New Digs/Krabs á la Mode (#5.5)" (2007)
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob! Why is your underwear in the cash register?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I had to put it somewhere, and my underwear drawer is full of Krabby Patties, and the freezer is full with my snowflake collection, so I put all the change in the register in the pickle jar.

Mr. Krabs: You can't hang your delicates in front of my customers' faces.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The customers don't seem to mind.
[a customer wipes his mouth with one of SpongeBob's undies]
Mr. Krabs: Ugh, I have disgusting clientele.

Mr. Krabs: There are two ways of getting on my bad side, boys: I don't like kids playing in my yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat.
Squidward Tentacles: That is so selfish!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah. Your yard is really fun. There are kids playing on it right now.
Mr. Krabs: What? Hey, you kids! Get off my yard!

Squidward Tentacles: I'm gonna die of hypothermia.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hippo-whatia? What's that mean?
Mr. Krabs: Means he's a big, fat, cry baby.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Snowball Effect/One Krabs Trash (#3.6)" (2002)
Mr. Krabs: [Attempting to convince SpongeBob to give him a hat] I didn't want to tell you this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Am I a pretty girl?
Mr. Krabs: Well... yes, you're... you're beautiful.
[Mailman passing by stares at Mr. Krabs in disgust]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [arrives at Mr. Krabs' yard sale with Patrick] Hi Mr. Krabs
Patrick: What are you doing?
Mr. Krabs: I'm having an antique sale, have a look around
SpongeBob SquarePants: [picks up a toilet plunger] Hey Patrick look at this thing, pretty cool huh?
Patrick: That looks Ike the toilet plunger I threw out yesterday
Mr. Krabs: [takes it from SpongeBob] That ain't no toilet plunger, this here's an antique! It's um... uh
[turns the rubber part inside out]
Mr. Krabs: a 17th century soup ladle, see?
Patrick: Man was I using mine wrong!

Mr. Krabs: [draws a ghost on a piece of paper and attaches it to a fishing pole] This'll scare him
[dangles it in front of Spongebob's window while he's asleep moaning like a ghost]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [wakes up] Oh my gosh, a floating shopping list!
[screams]
Mr. Krabs: [looks at the paper which reads "milk, eggs, bread"] I'm not a shopping list
[turns it over]
Mr. Krabs: I'm a ghost!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No!
Mr. Krabs: Now listen SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: How do you know my name? Who are you?
Mr. Krabs: I am the ghost of soda drink hats
[draws a picture of the soda drink hat he gave SpongeBob and hangs it in front of the window]
Mr. Krabs: I'm here to tell you that that soda drinking hat you posess is cursed!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cursed?
Mr. Krabs: Yes it belongs to some guy who's dead now
SpongeBob SquarePants: What guy?
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Smitty something
SpongeBob SquarePants: Smitty what?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, Smitty... Werben... Jaegerman... Jenson

Mr. Krabs: I've checked every headstone in this cemetery and there's no Smitty Wabbablahblah in here. Think Mr. Krabs maybe something SpongeBob said will give you some type of clue
SpongeBob SquarePants: [in a thought balloon] Remember licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets
Mr. Krabs: No not that!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [in another thought balloon] You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night, go ahead guess!
Mr. Krabs: No,no,no!
SpongeBob SquarePants: It was his hat Mr. Krabs, he was number one!
Mr. Krabs: [punches the thought balloon] Ah barnacles!, I'll never find...
[notices a tombstone with a number 1 that reads Smitty Weber Man Jensen]
Mr. Krabs: The grave!, am I really going to defile this grave for money?
[thinks for a moment]
Mr. Krabs: Of course I am!
[starts digging away]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Scaredy Pants/I Was a Teenage Gary (#1.13)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm the ghost of the Flying Dutchman.
Patrick Star: Hmmm, there's something missing. I've got it.
[Patrick takes a tree and makes a pair of Dutch shoes out of them]
Patrick Star: Step into these babies, Hans!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward could you watch Gary this weekend?
Squidward: What's a Gary?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not a Gary... Gary he's my pet snail
[shows him Gary]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Say hello!
[shows a closeup of Gary who's drooling a lot]
Squidward: Yuck! You actually care for that thing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I love Gary!
Squidward: Well I don't, get somebody else!
[walks away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess we can't go away this weekend after all Patrick
[Squidward stops and thinks]
Squidward: Go away?
[walks over to SpongeBob]
Squidward: You mean if I watch Gary you guys will be gone all weekend?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually a three day weekend
Squidward: As in not here for three days?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah but you've already said you can't do it, we understand
Patrick Star: Don't feel bad Squidward
[puts his arms around him and SpongeBob]
Patrick Star: the three of us can have our own jellyfish convention at your house!
Squidward: [reacts in fear] I changed my mind, you guys deserve to have a weekend away!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Squidward has accidentally injected him with snail plasma] Don't worry Gary, Squidward says I'll be fine, he knows everything, so you hungry?
Gary: [jumps up in excitement] Meow-how!
[Spongebob gives Gary some snail food but decides to try it he likes it and eats more]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [tosses Gary the empty bowl] Here you go eat up!
Gary: [looks at the empty bowl] Meow?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry Gary I couldn't control myself!
[burps]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Meow! Why did I just do that? am I cracking up?
Gary: Meow!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, no Squidward's right, I'm fine I-I worry too much, it's all in my head
[walks slowly towards the kitchen with Gary out walking him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gary you're getting
[speaks in a slow low voice]
SpongeBob SquarePants: a lot faster!
[walks into the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Look at me, look at me, never better, better!
[his head throbs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm okay Squidward says I'm fine!
[his eyeballs pop out and grow into stalks like Gary's as he screams in terror]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gary...
[pants heavily]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm fine!
[falls to the floor screaming in agony]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yooooooooull see!
[his arm shrivels up and goes into his body and his sleeve bounces away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's okay I'm a lefty anyway
[his other arm and his legs shrivel up and go into his body]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ha, ha now Idon't have to buy those new shoes
[his body stretches and contorts into a snail shape]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I take it back Gary something is wrong with meeeeeow!

Patrick Star: [enters Spongebob's house singing] SpongeBob are you ready?, are you ready, are you ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants: For what?
Patrick Star: For the annual jellyfish in Uekele Bottom this weekend!
[shows him his net while swinging it around]
Patrick Star: Ha ha ha! Ya ya ya!
[breaks Spongebob's vase and reacts in embarrassment]
Patrick Star: So are you ready or what?
SpongeBob SquarePants: That was this weekend?
[looks over at Gary who's crawling on him]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't go, I don't have anyone to take care of Gary!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Slumber Party/Grooming Gary (#6.10)" (2008)
Mr. Krabs: [seeing Girly running away crying] Who the heck is that?
SpongeBob: I don't know, but she is ug-leeee.

SpongeBob: Give me one good reason why I can't stay!
Pearl: I can give you a hundred million billion reasons!
SpongeBob: Yeesh, I only asked for one.
Pearl: Reason number one: you're just like my dad!
SpongeBob: Really?
Pearl: A no-good, dried-up, old fuddy-duddy!
SpongeBob: So if I prove I'm fun, can I stay?

[SpongeBob accidentally flooded Mr. Krabs' house with his personal supply of root beer]
Mr. Krabs: [surveying the damage] Me knickknacks! Me root beer! Me pile of old newspapers! I was maybe gonna read that someday!
[to Pearl]
Mr. Krabs: I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!
Pearl: [angrily] Trusted ME?
[holds up SpongeBob]
Pearl: Your employee destroyed this house! The only boy at the party!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [sheepishly] Well, Mr. Krabs, you know how boys are.
Pearl: [to Mr. Krabs] It's your fault my party is ruined, and now all my friends have zombie shock syndrome!
Girlfriend #8: [rocking back and forth] I'm too pretty to be a zombie!
Pearl: We were fine with a nice simple slumber party. But now, it's gonna cost you!
Mr. Krabs: Cost me what?
Pearl: [sinister tone] Money...
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[as punishment for meddling with her slumber party, Pearl uses Mr. Krabs' money to throw a private party at Goo Lagoon; many guests are there except Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob]
Pearl: [addressing the crowd] Everyone having a good time?
[crowd cheers]
Pearl: Well, you can all thank my dad for making this possible.
[calls out to Mr. Krabs, who is very far away behind a velvet rope where a security guard watches him]
Pearl: Thank you, daddy!
Mr. Krabs: [calling back] You're welcome, sweetie! Oh, this is so expensive!
Security Guard: You're not allowed any closer, sir.
SpongeBob: [walking up] Mr. Krabs, I think I know what'll cheer you up.
[he puts a drinking glass under his armpit and squirts some root beer into it]
SpongeBob: A mug of ice cold root beer!
Mr. Krabs: No, SpongeBob, that doesn't cheer me up at all!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: 20,000 Patties Under the Sea/The Battle of Bikini Bottom (#5.17)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bye Squidward! Bye Mr. Krabs! Bye Squidward!
Patrick: You said bye to Squidward twice.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [grins huge, pauses, dreamily] I liiiike Squidward.

[Patrick chases Spongebob into the Krusty Krab kitchen while picking his nose]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold!
Mr. Krabs: Gold?
[eagerly runs into the kitchen, in search of the gold in question, but comes out with nothing]
Squidward: Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?
Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You don't wash your hands, Patrick?
Patrick: Never have, never will.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Echhhh!
Patrick: Does that bother you, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob has a flashback about he and Patrick sharing food]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Frankly, yes, Patrick, it does bother me.
Patrick: Well, I guess we can't be friends.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you saying?
Patrick: Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you?
[Licks his hand and writes on a brick wall]
Patrick: U... R... huh... How do you spell "not my friend"?


SpongeBob SquarePants: Employee of the Month (2002) (VG)
[repeated line]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [upon seeing signs] What would we do without signs like this?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [sees a poster for "Operation: Krabby Patty"] Ooh, "Operation: Krabby Patty". That was my very first game.
[sighs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Good times... good times.

[SpongeBob, Plankton and Patrick arrive in Rock Bottom; it's raining]
Patrick Star: [overly excited; thinking he and SpongeBob have made it to Neptune's Paradise] I'm gonna be the first in line!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [concerned] Uh, Patrick, this doesn't look like Neptune's Paradise.
Patrick Star: [still excited] Neptune's Paradise, here we come!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [grows even more concerned] Uh-oh!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick SmartPants/SquidBob TentaclePants (#4.8)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Come on, Patrick. Let's do something fun.
Patrick: Would you like to run some statistics, or observe phenomena and formulate hypotheses about said phenomena?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you feeling better now, Patrick? What are you doing?
Patrick: Oh, just observing this interesting sub-species.
Plankton: [Under microscope] I'll show you a sub-species!

Squidward: Spongebob, you buffoon!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ha. Everyone knows I'm a sponge. I look nothing like a balloon.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy IV/Doing Time (#3.5)" (2002)
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob will you just face facts? You've shrunken everyone in Bikini Bottom! You've got to go to Mermaid Man!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh Squidward he'll be so disappointed.
Sandy Cheeks: Well you can't leave us small forever!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [on the verge of tears] But you don't understand!
Mrs. SquarePants: [Spongebob's parents appear in the jar] SpongeBob you need to admit your mistakes
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mom?
Mermaid Man: Your mother's right son, Mermaid Man will understand
Barnacle Boy: You're Mermaid Man you old coot!
Mermaid Man: Oh yeah.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [about using Mermaid Man's belt to return Squidward to normal size] If only I knew how to work this thing!
Patrick Star: Let me take a look at it.
[looks at the belt for a while]
Patrick Star: Hmmm, you know what the problem is?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick Star: You got it set to "M" for mini, when it should be set to "W" for wumbo
[turns the M on the belt upside down]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Partrick I don't think wumbo is a real word
Patrick Star: Oh come on SpongeBob! You know, I wumbo, You wumbo, He she me wumbo, wumbo, Wumboing, We'll have thee wumbo, Wumborama, Wumbology, The study of wumbo? It's first grade SpongeBob!
Squidward Tentacles: [looking down while he is being held in Patrick's hand] I wonder if a fall from this height could be enough to kill me?

[Spongebob is at the First Nautical Bank, wearing a sock over his head, with a bag in his hands, facing away from the bank teller]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Alright, put the money in the bag! PUT IT IN!
Bank Teller: Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [laughs, then turns around to face teller] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!
Bank Teller: Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uhh, savings.
Bank Teller: May I please see some identification?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sure.
[he hands teller his Jellyfishers Club Membership card]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here ya go.
Bank Teller: Thank you.
[briefly types on cash register]
Bank Teller: Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh.
Bank Teller: Next!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One (#6.11)" (2009)
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Where are your shoes? You're not going section eight on me, are you?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's so hot, my shoes... my shoes melted off.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hail, O Swami of the Gnarly Pounders. We seek audience with thee.
Patrick Star: Plus we wanna talk to you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
Patrick Star: Not since I saw my first triple-layer cheesecake.


SpongeBob SquarePants: Lights, Camera, Pants! (2005) (VG)
SpongeBob: Steven. I mean Roger. I mean...
Officer over PDA: Get them at once.
SpongeBob: I am on it.
[SpongeBob starts his bike]
SpongeBob: I'm ready!

SpongeBob: Would suspicious be like, err, seeing Man Ray drag a wriggling sack into the Chum Bucket, perhaps?

SpongeBob: Friends. Sounds fun and could fit right into my own eveil plan!
[Laughs eveily]
SpongeBob: You got it.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Truth or Square (#6.23)" (2009)
Spongebob: Can you believe it's been eleventy-seven years already?
[Gary meows angrily]
Spongebob: [gasps] Watch the potty mouth, Gar!

Spongebob: Remember the day Sandy and I got married?
Mr. Krabs: What?
Squidward Tentacles: No!
Patrick Star: I'm freaking out!

Spongebob: I get to lead? I can finally use my leader hat, and my lederhosen.
Patrick Star: Nice.
Squidward Tentacles: Those are just garters, you idiot.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: No Weenies Allowed/Squilliam Returns (#3.8)" (2002)
Dr. Fish: What happened?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I tripped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.
Dr. Fish: Boo-boos, eh? I think you need that hospital over there.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Weenie Hut General?

[Sandy and SpongeBob are doing karate at the beach]
SpongeBob SquarePants: HI-YAH!... Sandy?
Sandy Cheeks: Oh, I'm Sandy all right. I'm very Sandy. HI-YAH!
[Comes up from under the sand and launches SpongeBob into the air]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [as he flies through the air] Oh, I get it. She's Sandy. That's her name, and she's also covered in, yes...

Reg: This place is too tough for you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Too tough for me? That's downright ridiculous. I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Original Fry Cook/Night Light (#5.2)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: *The* Jim? He who flipped patties in the before-time?

Jim: Well, Krabs, it looks like you got yourself another sucker. The kid is good, but he'll only be great when he finally gets the guts to leave this dump. Good luck, SpongeBob. You're gonna need it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Krusty Krabs isn't a dump.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, she's a dump all right, but she's my dump.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [kneeling on floor] Please teach me! I want to learn at the feet of the master!
Jim: Now THAT'S the way to grovel. I'll do it!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Ghost Host/Chimps Ahoy (#4.10)" (2006)
Patrick: I invented something! It's a stick that you can draw or write stuff with.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's a pencil, Patrick. It's already been invented.
Patrick: Ooh! this time I really have something. A glass ball that lights up so you can see in the dark.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's a light bulb, Patrick. It's already been invented.
Patrick: This is a good one! I've invented a parallel dimension.
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's a mirror, Patrick. It's already been invented.
Patrick: Someone keeps stealing my ideas!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [In mirror, speaking with German accent] Well, I thought it was a good idea.

SpongeBob SquarePants: My name is SpongeBob.
Patrick: And I am Professor Patrick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Professor?
Patrick: *Doctor* Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.

SpongeBob SquarePants: This helmet looks impressive. What's it do?
Sandy Cheeks: That's my peanut radio helmet. It lets you talk to peanuts. But what good is that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Takes a peanut out of his pocket] SpongeBob to peanut. Come in, peanut.
Patrick: What's it saying?
SpongeBob SquarePants: It says, "It's dark in here."


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Selling Out/Funny Pants (#4.5)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Watching a machine making Krabby Patties] Where's the love?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Time to go to work, Squidward. Another day, another dollar.
Squidward Tentacles: More like another nickel.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Cracks up laughing] Good one, Squidward!
[Laughs all the way to work]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Another day, another nickel.
[Laughs]
Squidward Tentacles: It's not that funny!
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's funny 'cause it's true.

Sandy Cheeks: It's easy if you approach it scientifically. Now, what is laughter?
SpongeBob SquarePants: The thing that used to give my life meaning and purpose, but now mocks me with its cruel indifference.
Sandy Cheeks: But technically, it's caused by your epiglottis obstructing your larynx, causing irregular air intake and respiratory upset.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sounds painful.
Sandy Cheeks: Science makes anything sound painful, SpongeBob.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Dunces and Dragons (#4.6)" (2006)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I know we're a prophecy and all, but I don't think we can defeat a dragon with our bare hands.
Patrick Star: Yeah. We need some gloves.

Sandy Cheeks: [as the Dark Knight] You have bested me, yellow knight. Strike quick and true, noble sponge.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't understand a word you just said.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [about to be arrested] Wait, you don't understand! We're not from here!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [as King Krabs] That's because you're witches who were sent by Planktanamor to destroy me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, we're time travelers.
[Krabs growls]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gulps] Help me out here, Patrick.
Patrick Star: I'm not sure there's anything I can add at this point.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Thing/Hocus Pocus (#4.16)" (2007)
SpongeBob: I promise you will continue to live your normal life despite the fact you are now edible.

Squidward: I'm not going to let you two monsters ruin my evening.
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're not here to ruin it. We're here to *enhance* it.

Squidward: Brine soda, low-sodium coral crisps, cool jazz... Mmm-mmm-mmm, Squidward, you have done it. You have officially spoiled yourself rotten.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Then let the rotting continue, friend, as I astound and amaze you with some... magic!
Squidward: Magic? Can you make yourself disappear?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Silly Squidward. I can't do disappearing spells until I become a level 10 wizard.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Procrastination/I'm with Stupid (#2.17)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: After your parents find out how dumb I am, they'll realize what a genius you are.
Patrick: But don't genius' live in lamps?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Well Patrick, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go jellyfishing but I can see that you're busy having an episode.

Fire Imp: [holding Spongebob's essay] Only 799 words to go!
[he burns it and cackles evilly]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Watches in horror] NO!
[fire imp jumps off of table and the house sets ablaze]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Spongicus/Suction Cup Symphony (#6.3)" (2008)
Squidward: SpongeBob, will you cut that out? Can't you see I am trying to hone my musical talent?
SpongeBob SquarePants: You mean that wasn't gastrointestinal distress?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I think you should see a doctor.
Patrick: I can't see a doctor. My job doesn't cover health insurance.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What job would that be?
Patrick: Exactly.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Atlantis SquarePantis (#5.12)" (2007)
Squidward Tentacles: You boobs found the second half of the Atlantean amulet?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What's an Atlantean omelette?
Squidward Tentacles: *Amulet*, not omelette!

Lord Royal Highness: Gentlemen, what *is* art?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [jumping excitedly, a hand in the air] Oh! Me, me! I know, I know!
Squidward Tentacles: [shoving SpongeBob out of the way] I thought you'd never ask! Art is a conscious arrangement of elements that affects the sense of beauty!
Lord Royal Highness: Not even close. Art is what happens when you learn... to *dream*.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Whale of a Birthday/Karate Island (#4.11)" (2006)
Sandy Cheeks: That SpongeBob, who does he think he is? I taught that yellow egomaniac everything he knows, and that ain't much.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [In distance] No!
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aah!
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob is the King of Karate. He can handle it by himself.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, help me! I can't handle this by myself!
Sandy Cheeks: Hold on, SpongeBob!

Cashier: [SpongeBob is using Mr. Krabs' credit card] How do you spell Krabs?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Um, I'm pretty sure it has a "B" in it.
Cashier: Close enough.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost Episode (The Sponge Who Could Fly) (#3.19)" (2003)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] Inflatable pants/You may as well skip!

SpongeBob: [clears throat, then sings] I wish I could join you there in the air / Floating free, without a care / I wish I could fly, and see things with a different eye / If I could fly, so very high, and touch the sky / And never have to ask why it is, that I can't fly /
[Falls to the ground]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Your Shoe's Untied/Squid's Day Off (#2.2)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Can you show me how to tie my shoes?
Painty the Pirate: Arrr, I just be a painting of a head.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Four quarters,Four quarters,Four quarters,Four quarters or Ten dimes or Twenty nickels or One hundred pennies or One quarter, three dimes, seven nickels and ten pennies or you give a five thousand pennies then i'll...
Squidward: All right!Fine!I have enough of this!NOW GOODBYE!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy's Rocket/Squeaky Boots (#1.8)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why did you eat my boots Mr. Krabs?

SpongeBob SquarePants: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick Star: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I've got you now!
Patrick Star: Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's...
[He fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead]
Patrick Star: ... me that's got me.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Have You Seen This Snail? (#4.3)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [after reading Gary's note] What have I done?
Patrick Star: What do you mean? You drove him away. It's right there in black and white. See? Right there. And there.

SpongeBob SquarePants: What's this? "Take the Dirty Bubble Challenge! Hit the paddleball 29 trillion, 998 billion, 559 million, 671 thousand and 349 times in a row."


"SpongeBob SquarePants: All That Glitters/Wishing You Well (#4.12)" (2006)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Umm, Squidward you're stepping on my foot.
Squidward: Oh, sorry SpongeBob
Patrick: And you got you're elbow in my ribs!
Squidward: Eeew...
Patrick: And stop stepping in my potato salad!

Squidward: [Patrick gets close to Squidward in the well] Stop standing so close to me Patrick, you're making me claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does that mean?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: HO HO HO! Hehehe...


"Robot Chicken: Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (#5.6)" (2011)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [at The Krusty Krab] Krabby Patties are made out of crab!
[customers gasp, as one customer retches]
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy
SpongeBob SquarePants: Then explain this!
[holds a box of crab legs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo!
[holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]
Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob] You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's not just crabs!
[looks over to Squidward]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!
[Squidward vomits]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!
[a customer pushes away his bowl. Everyone surrounds Mr. Krabs]
Fish: You fed us to us?
Fish 2: Are we paying you to kill us?
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're disgusting.
Mr. Krabs: No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.
[everyone except SpongeBob start to beat up Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.
[a very fat man sits on a bed with a nurse]
Nurse: Okay, just got to scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done.
[the nurse starts scrubbing the man with a sponge. SpongeBob pushes the scene aside]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I SAID, "NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE!"
Nurse: [splat] Oh, I hope that's pudding in there.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Spy Buddies/Boat Smarts/Good Ol' Whatshisname (#5.4)" (2007)
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [on the phone with SpongeBob and Patrick] You found out what Plankton's up to?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm afraid we've lost him, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Well, find him, lad. I'm not paying you to goof off with Patrick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're not paying me at all, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Exactly. So get to work.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Christmas Who? (#2.8)" (2000)
Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee, SquidWard, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Shanghaied/Gary Takes a Bath (#2.13)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [an anchor swings into SpongeBob's pineapple above the sea] Holy shrimp!
[runs to Squidward's house]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! Squidward. The sky had a baby!
Squidward Tentacles: That's not a baby. That's a giant anchor. Now go away!
Squidward Tentacles: [walks up to SpongeBob]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I know. What do you think we should we name it?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy III/Squirrel Jokes (#2.11)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Skill Crane/Good Neighbors (#4.4)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Squidward slammed the door in their faces] Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
Squidward: [Bursting his head through the door, screaming] YES, I WAS! *You* call yourselves good neighbors? You're the worst neighbors *ever!* You don't deserve to wear those fezzes!
[Takes off fezzes and stomps them into the ground]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee, Pat. Maybe President Squidward's right!
Patrick Star: Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
Squidward: [Exploding once more] No, you aren't! You're *horrible* neighbors!
[hyperventilates]
Squidward: And stop calling me President!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [despondent] Come on, Let's go.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Driven to Tears/Rule of Dumb (#4.17)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: House Fancy/Krabby Road (#6.1)" (2008)
Squidward: Help me move this sofa.
SpongeBob: You got it, Squiddy. Where we moving her to?
Squidward: Hang on, I'm trying to get a grip on the thing. Now don't move it till I say...
[SpongeBob moves the sofa towards Squidward and it slides onto Squidward's toenail and he screams in pain]
Squidward: Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't...
[SpongeBob moves the sofa again more onto Squidward's toenail and he screams again]
SpongeBob: Okay!
[SpongeBob moves the sofa away from Squidward and the it rips off Squidward's toenail]
Squidward: OW! SpongeBob! I told you not to move it till I said...
[SpongeBob drops the sofa onto Squidward's foot]
Squidward: OW! Why do you keep moving it?
SpongeBob: Cause you keep saying "OW!".


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob LongPants/Larry's Gym (#9.17)" (2016)
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's how I always reimagined the reboot would always be remade.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Dear Vikings/Ditchin' (#6.14)" (2008)
Gordon: [the vikings have kidnapped Spongebob and Squidward] Now that you're part of our crew, I guess we should introduce ourselves.
[punches one viking on the chest]
Gordon: This is Olaf.
[slaps another viking on the chest]
Gordon: And this is Olaf.
[points to another viking]
Gordon: And this is Olaf.
[points to another viking]
Gordon: This... is Olaf, Olaf, Olaf, Olaf...
[comes up to one more viking; tries to think]
Gordon: And... um...
Olaf: [grunting] Olaf.
Gordon: Olaf.
Squidward: So, let me guess: your name must be...
Gordon: That's right, Gordon.
Spongebob: Nice to meet ya.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Chaperone/Employee of the Month (#1.12)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward.
Squidward: Okay, I'll bite. What is it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Do you know what day it is?
Squidward: Annoy Squidward Day?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, silly. That's on the fifteenth.


"Mad: WALL-E-NATOR/Extreme Renovation: House Edition - Superman's Fortress of Solitude (#1.5)" (2010)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sitting in front of The Krusty Krab looking round] I've eaten so many Krabby Patties, how will I ever regain my shape?
[WALL-E smash-cubes SpongeBob back into a square]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sighs] That's better.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Banned in Bikini Bottom/Stanley S. SquarePants (#5.20)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin, Stanley.
Stanley S. SquarePants: We're related.
Squidward: [alarmed] There's two of them?
[Squidward screams and runs back to his house, where he gathers his things, puts a "for sale" sign out front and throws his stuff into a moving truck going by, before getting in himself]
Squidward: STEP ON IT!
[the truck drives away]


"The Simpsons: She Used to Be My Girl (#16.4)" (2004)
Chloe Talbot: [bangs on car trunk] Lisa! What are you doing in there?
Lisa Simpson: Praying to Buddha... Jesus... SpongeBob - There's no time to be picky!
[Pan up to heaven, where Buddha, Jesus, and SpongeBob are watching]
Buddha: Perhaps we should help.
SpongeBob: Screw her!
[laughs maniacally]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: It Came from Goo Lagoon (#9.7)" (2014)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, why do you have rockets on your sub?
Sandy Cheeks: Ya know, in case I get stuck in traffic.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Missing Identity/Plankton's Army (#3.18)" (2004)
SpongeBob: Have you forgotten what we are looking for KNEE-DEEP IN YESTERDAY'S TOP FORTY SONGS?


SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom (2003) (VG)
Patrick Star: Did you find my lost socks?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not yet Patrick.
Patrick Star: Oh. Did they find you?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: It's a SpongeBob Christmas!" (2012)
Sandy Cheeks: [Affected by Jerktonium] You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Smiling] Uh huh.
Sandy Cheeks: You're an idiot.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Still smiling] Uh huh.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob B.C. (Before Comedy) (Ugh) (#3.14)" (2004)
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob! What's wrong?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know, Mr. Krabs. But I got the strangest feeling that somewhere a pirate and parrot are arguing about me, and the parrot is winning.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Bummer Vacation/Wigstruck (#4.14)" (2006)
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: You wouldn't know cool if I locked you in the freezer!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, for your information, Squidward has locked me in the freezer, so I think I know what cool is.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Inmates of Summer/To Save a Squirrel (#5.15)" (2007)
Warden: Welcome to Inferno Island
Spongebob Squarepants, Patrick Star: Yay!
Warden: What in the seven seas just assaulted my eardrums? Could that have been an unrequested sound-off? Well, it must have been my imagination! And you can all thank your lucky stars that I have a very active imagination! Because it just so happens that it is my sworn duty to think of fun things to do with the trash that society has thrown away!
Spongebob Squarepants: [whispering to Patrick] I always prefer to re-cycle.
Warden: Holy fish paste! We've got ourselves a couple of rabble-rousers here! What's your name, son?
Spongebob Squarepants: Spongebob Squarepants.
Warden: And are you a rabble-rouser?
Warden: Funny you should mention that. See, this one time...
Warden: Well, I hope you aren't! Cause you sure look mighty tasty! And it's too soon after breakfast for me to want to chew somebody's head off!


"Robot Chicken: Tell My Mom (#4.5)" (2009)
[SpongeBob and Sandy are standing inside SpongeBob's house]
SpongeBob SquarePants: But how can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your...
[gasps and then smiles]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh you meant me!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Curse of Bikini Bottom/Squidward in Clarinetland (#7.7)" (2009)
SpongeBob: Do we share our lockers like we share hairnets?
Squidward: Not at a whale's age.