George Newman
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Quotes for
George Newman (Character)
from UHF (1989)

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UHF (1989)
George Newman: I need a drink.
Bob: You don't drink.
George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

George Newman: Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs... all next week on Town Talk.

[George and Bob just got fired again]
Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in! Go ahead. Really. Please! Just BASH it right in!
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me five bucks.

Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Stanley Spadowski: George? What's the matter?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.
Stanley Spadowski: [confused] Then why'd I ask?

George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go?
[dead silence]
George Newman: That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasle: I wanna go home.
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel!
George Newman: Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!

George Newman: You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.

George Newman: [bursts into room where Stanley is being held prisoner] Aaaaaaaaaaggghh!
Killer Thug: [totally unimpressed] Who the hell is this guy?
George Newman: [imitating Rambo] Oim your worst nightmare.

[last lines]
Teri: Hey, George, you know those crazy dreams you're always having? You think maybe I could be in some of them from now on?
George Newman: [cut to "Gone With the Wind" set, where George and Teri are dressed like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara, complete with fake Southern accents] Honey, from now on you're gonna be in all of 'em!
Teri: [longingly] Oh, George...
George Newman: Honey, let's leave this place right now! Let's go this very minute!
Teri: No, George! Let's wait until tomorrow!
George Newman: But... why? WHY?
Teri: Because tomorrow... is another day.
George Newman: [looks at camera] I knew she was gonna say that!
[George kisses Teri, credits roll]

Stanley Spadowski: [Stanley sees George sulking on ths front stoop of the station] Hey, George, is something the matter?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't wanna know.
Stanley Spadowski: [scratches head] Oh... then why'd I ask?

Satan: [on "Town Talk"] Look, all I was trying to do was...
George Newman: Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!
[throws glass of water in his face]

George Newman: Hey, Philo, great job, you really came through for us in the end!
Philo: You're welcome. Well, it appears that my work on this planet is finished, so I must now return to my home planet of Zarquon.
George Newman: [dubious] Oh... okay. Have fun!
[Philo leaves]
George Newman: [sees his uncle] Hey, uncle Harvey!
Uncle Harvey: Hey, kid, way to go! I always knew you had it in you!
[Behind them, unnoticed, Philo morphs into a weird alien and flashes away]

[George and Teri make up]
Teri: Hello, stranger.
George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Teri: Whatever gave you that idea?
George Newman: Well, I guess my first clue was when you told me you never wanted to see me again.

[while watching "Raul's Wild Kingdom"]
Bob: Where did you find this guy?
George Newman: Me? I thought you hired him.

Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?
George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein: [enraged tone] Ugh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!
George Newman: [keeping his cool] Well... this is my friend Bob.

Teri: George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you.
[turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain]
Teri: What are you doing?
George Newman: [mimicking Richard Dryfuss in 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'] This means something. This is important.

George Newman: [picks up a frying basket from a pot of boiling cooking oil, the blackened remains of something are seen] Well, I think the fries are just about done.
[puts basket back in the oil]
Bob: Aw geez, George. You'd better not let Big Edna see that or she'll have a fit.
George Newman: [as Big Edna walks up behind him] Big Edna. Big Edna. You sound like a broken record. Big Edna this, Big Edna that. Why are you so afraid of that big, pathetic tub of lard?
[Bob grimaces and turns away with embarassment as George quickly turns around and sees Big Edna now standing right behind him. George weakly smiles, as Big Edna smiles back, looking very menacing]

Bob: Well... I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: Okay, give me the bad news first.
Bob: Well... given our current financial status, compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices... I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.
George Newman: [in shock] Well, what's the good news?
Bob: I lied. There is no good news.

George Newman: [as "Uncle Nutsy," to Bob as "Bobbo the Clown"] ... Hey, Bobbo! Wanna play a game? Look up... Look down... Now look at Mr. Frying Pan!
[Hits him in the face]
George Newman: Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know! You're hungry! Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies!
[He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!]
George Newman: Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD! And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...
[notices his mistake for the first time]
George Newman: ... Oooops! Heh Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!
[a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."]
George Newman: That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste...
[We hear Bobbo vomiting]
George Newman: ... With just a hint of cheese!

Stanley Spadowski: Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the T.V. show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?
George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?

George Newman: [Message left on Teri's answering machine; voice] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'm in hell! Teri, Teri pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Oh, Oh Teri!

George Newman: Hey, Stanley.
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah, George?
George Newman: How'd you like to have your own TV show?
Stanley Spadowski: [beat] ... okay.
George Newman: You're on.

[Bob opens a piece of mail and looks at it in shock]
George Newman: Bob? Bob, what is it?
Bob: It's the ratings!
George Newman: Don't tell me we actually made the list.
Bob: We're number one.
George Newman: Say what?

George Newman: At Least I Still Got Teri.
George Newman: [He forgot all about Teri's Birthday Party] What time is it?
Bob: Uh 9:30.
George Newman: Oh No!

George Newman: You know what? Nobody in this small town appreciates a guy with a good imagination.
Bob: Well, maybe not the people at the lumber yard, or the miniature golf course, or Floyd's Fish Market, or any of the other places you worked in the last... month.

Teri: George, did you get fired again?
George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] Yes! Yes! It's all true! I just don't know what's wrong with me!
[instantly changes his mood]
George Newman: So, what's for dinner?
[takes a look at what's for dinner]
George Newman: Mashed potatoes! My favorite!

Kuni: [George and Bob walk by karate studio, when a student comes crashing through the second-story window. He looks up to see Kuni] Hey, George!
George Newman: Hey, Kuni! Beginner's class today?
Kuni: Yeah, and they're so stupid!
[another student crashes through the window]

Raul Hernandez: Hey, man! This is Raul Hernandez and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom" coming to you live from My Apartment! How 'bout that, huh? Okay. The first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend, Tommy. Tommy, say hello to the nice people. 'Hello!' Ha! Isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the Reptile family and he's got this hard, protective shell, which keeps predators away... also provides him with his own home when he sleeps. Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow. Not too many people know this, but the turtle is also Nature's suction cup. Watch this.
[licks underside of turtle and tosses it up towards the ceiling. Off camera it makes a loud plop sound]
Raul Hernandez: Did you see that? It sticks! Ha! Okay, yeah... what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out! This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah... they hate it when you do this...
[picks up ant farm and shakes it vigorously up and down]
Raul Hernandez: Oh look! They're really mad, now.
George Newman: [watching Raul on TV with Bob] Where did you find this guy?
Bob: Me? I thought you hired him.
Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
[claps his hands]
Raul Hernandez: Come here... come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay... Here we go. Get ready. And... FLY!
[tosses poodle out of the apartment window. Poodle barks all the way down and hits with a loud thump]
Raul Hernandez: Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi!
[tosses black poodle out of the window which barks all the way down and hits with another loud thud]
Raul Hernandez: Ah, man!

Bob: What's Teri gonna say when she learns you got fired from another job again? Aren't you supposed to meet her at her parents house for dinner tonight?
George Newman: Teri? What time is it?
[an arm belonging to a beginner student at Kuni's Karate School suddenly next door suddenly bursts through the wall as George looks at the wristwatch on the man's arm]
George Newman: 7:30? Oh no, I gotta run. I'll see you later.

[on the intro for "Town Talk with George"]
Movie Announcer: The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of Al Capone's glove compartment!
George Newman: Ah-ha... *road maps*!

[George notices a measuring tape, but does not recognize Fletcher at first]
George Newman: Can I help you?
R.J. Fletcher: No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.
[Stanley enters the office and looks at the TV, but once he recognizes Fletcher, he runs away]
George Newman: Wait a minute, I think I missed something here.
R.J. Fletcher: Oh, didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
[Pamela Finklestein looks stunned about this]
George Newman: You what?
R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
George Newman: But my Uncle Harvey.
R.J. Fletcher: [as he interrupts George] Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal.
[George, Bob and Pamela all look stunned]

R.J. Fletcher: Hey wait, Just one minute. What do you think you are doing?
George Newman: [as Harvey signed the contract to save U-62] WE DID IT, THE STATION IS OURS!
[Everybody cheers]
Uncle Harvey: Wow, Look at that!
R.J. Fletcher: [Anger] YOU CAN'T DO THIS! We have an agreement, Remember? An oral contract. I'll sue them!
Uncle Harvey: Oh, Blow off your nose. Schruffbag.
FCC Man: R.J. Fletcher. Uh, Are you R.J. Fletcher?
R.J. Fletcher: Who do you think I am?
FCC Man: I am John Vector of the FCC. I notice that your station is late for filing for it's contract renewal. I know this is punishable by it's stiff fine. But I had been watching you lately, You made a big impression on me. Yeah, I am revoking your license. Effective immediately, You are off the air.
Pamela Finklestein: Well, This just in. R.J. Fletcher's VHF TV Station as now went off the air and defeated by the FCC.

George Newman: How's this for our new Friday night line-up? Eight o'clock, "Druids On Parade", then "The Volcano Worshipper's Hour", followed by "Underwater Bingo For Teams", and... "Fun With Dirt"!
Bob: Why not?