Stanley Spadowski
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Quotes for
Stanley Spadowski (Character)
from UHF (1989)

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UHF (1989)
[watching a cartoon when Bob tells George whether to finish the show since Teri won't talk to him]
Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote!
[sound effect on TV]
Stanley Spadowski: Aww, it's terrible.

Stanley Spadowski: This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. This is a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop. Sometimes you just hafta take what life gives ya, 'cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff... you, you, you gotta clean it out. You, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop, it's not good enough, it's not good enough. You, you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta, you gotta stand right up. You, you gotta run to a window and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more!"

Stanley Spadowski: I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange.
Stanley Spadowski: Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.

Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?
Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?

Stanley Spadowski: "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."

Stanley Spadowski: George? What's the matter?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.
Stanley Spadowski: [confused] Then why'd I ask?

Stanley Spadowski: Oh, Joel Miller, you've just found the marble in the oatmeal. You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy. 'Cause you know why? You get to drink from... the FIRE HOOOOOSE!

Stanley Spadowski: [addressing crowd] Friends, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye.

Stanley Spadowski: [Stanley sees George sulking on ths front stoop of the station] Hey, George, is something the matter?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't wanna know.
Stanley Spadowski: [scratches head] Oh... then why'd I ask?

[Stanley is eating a watermelon]
Stanley Spadowski: Mmm. This is pretty good water...
[He stops and thinks about it]
Stanley Spadowski: Tastes like poop.

Stanley Spadowski: Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the T.V. show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?
George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?

Stanley Spadowski: [in backroom of the UHF building, preparing for another fund drive. There is a knock at the back door] Who is it?
Head Thug: I got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.
Stanley Spadowski: Pizza? For me? Ohhhh-ho-ho, boy!
[opens door, gets yanked through violently]
Stanley Spadowski: [later, blindfolded in the backseat of a car with the three thugs] I like peppers. I looooove anchovies. 'Cause they're real fishy. Sometimes I like to get a pizza with nothin' on it but anchovies, no peppers, no olives, no onions... 'cause they're good!
Killer Thug: [raises revolver] So, uh... do we kill him?
Head Thug: No, no, the boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while. Easy, easy!
Stanley Spadowski: Hey, wait a minute! You guys aren't from the pizza place!

George Newman: Hey, Stanley.
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah, George?
George Newman: How'd you like to have your own TV show?
Stanley Spadowski: [beat] ... okay.
George Newman: You're on.

R.J. Fletcher: You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...
Stanley Spadowski: Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.
R.J. Fletcher: [chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Okay...
R.J. Fletcher: Stanley... *you're fired*!