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Quotes for
SSgt. Crapgame (Character)
from Kelly's Heroes (1970)

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Kelly's Heroes (1970)
Kelly: Well Oddball, what do you think?
Oddball: It's a wasted trip baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.
Big Joe: Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.
Oddball: The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to LET THEM SHOOT HOLES IN ME!
Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!
Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Tigers.
Kelly: Nobody's asking you to be a hero.
Oddball: No? Then YOU sit up in that turret baby.
Kelly: No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.
Oddball: Yeah?
Kelly: Yeah.
Oddball: Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!

Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your moment of glory. And you're chickening out!
Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three tigers.

[the lone obstacle to the sought-after gold is a solitary tank guarding the bank]
Crapgame: Then make a DEAL!
Big Joe: What kind of deal?
Crapgame: A DEAL, deal! Maybe the guy's a Republican. "Business is business," right?

Oddball: Who is that guy, Crapgame?
Crapgame: Him? Name's Kelly. Used to be a lieutenant, pretty good one, too, till they gave him orders to attack the wrong hill. Wiped out a half a company of G.I.'s. Somebody had to get the blame and he got picked.

Pvt. Cowboy: God almighty, you guys smell like you fell into a dung heap!
Crapgame: Kinda makes ya homesick, don't it?
Pvt. Willard: [to Pvt. Cowboy] You know it does, kinda ,don't it old buddy?

Crapgame: [into field phone] Hogan? Yeah, it's me. Listen... I gotta favor to ask ya. Will you quit cryin... I haven't even asked ya yet! What the Hell's the matter with you?

Pvt. Little Joe: Kelly's even got us armor support.
Big Joe: [facing Kelly] What armor?
Crapgame: [interrupting] Three Shermans from the 321st.
Big Joe: [still facing Kelly] Who's in command?
Crapgame: It's a top line outfit, I personally recommend these guys.
Big Joe: [turning to Crapgame] Now you butt out, hustler, the only time you come out of the ground is when you smell a profit.
Crapgame: Oh, yeah, well I'm comin' out now, because Kelly's got the perfect caper.
Big Joe: Sure for you it's a vacation. Six days out of seven you're behind the lines, we're at the broken end of a bottle all the time, so you, BUTT OUT!
[turning back to Kelly]
Big Joe: Who's in command?
Kelly: A guy named Oddball.
Big Joe: Oddball! He's a freak!
Kelly: He's got three Shermans all ready to go.
Big Joe: What kind of a guarantee is that? "He's ready to go." He's a nut!
Pvt. Jonesey: Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here!

Crapgame: [Muttering in the minefield] Coulda been in the States playing ping-pong; volleyball... Plenty of broads... Who the hell needs all this? Gonna get my knife & get the hell outta here. Eaaa, lousy equipment! Now I gotta lift up this CANNON; carry it all the way to the front line someplace. Damned thing is heavier that Kelsey's burgers!

Crapgame: [Crapgame finds a mine in the minefield] Hey! I found one!
Big Joe: What kind is it?
Crapgame: The kind that blows up! How the Hell do I know what kind it is?

Crapgame: [about Oddball's Captain] He hasn't been reported as dead yet - I've been collecting his whiskey.

Pvt. Willard: Big Joe, do I gotta carry all this equipment, and this satchel charge, and this .30-caliber machine gun too?
Big Joe: Nah, give the .30-caliber to the hustler. He wants to be a hero.
[Willard and Cowboy share a chuckle before Willard brings the machine gun to Crapgame]
Pvt. Willard: Here ya are, ol' buddy.
[walks away laughing]
Crapgame: Thanks! Get yourself a bucket of grits!

Crapgame: What is this? Huh? What is this, a ballgame? Who are these guys?
Oddball: Their my friends, Crapgame.
Crapgame: And who is that bunch of refugees over there?
Oddball: The band.
Crapgame: The band? What do we need a band for?
Oddball: Have a little faith, Crapgame. They're beautiful people.