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[Billy's French speaking girlfriend rubs herself on his casket
] Dan Mott
: Billy's dead and he still has a better chance of getting laid than I do.
: [the three boys are wearing only their boxers at night, after losing their clothes
] You know, things are as bad as they could possibly get.
[starts raining hard, Jerry and Tom look up at the rain
] Dan Mott
: I stand corrected!
: I'm out. Jerry Conlaine
: What does that mean? Tom Marshall
: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.
: The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth... Jerry Conlaine
: I, for one, choose death.
: Whoa... Matrix.
: I have responsibilities and... I am a doctor now! I AM DOCTOR MOTT NOW!
: [after Tom had offered to distract Dennis and Elwood instead of Jerry
] Give 'em hell, Tommy Tom Marshall
: [about to rapple down the tree
] This Hellmart's open for business, and I'm slashing prices.
: Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. That was... higher than this... Dan Mott
: But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking! Jerry Conlaine
: Oh yea...
[Jerry pushes Dan off the Treehouse
: Mmm, bacon. Del Knox
: Squirrel. Dan Mott
: Mmm... squirrel.
: Hey guys look! A wild deer! All out in the open like that!
: Stop, drop, and roll!
: What are you doing? Jerry Conlaine
: Taking off my shoes Dan Mott
: Why? Jerry Conlaine
: Because I run faster with no shoes Dan Mott
: You can't out-run that bear! Jerry Conlaine
: I dont have to out-run the bear, I just have to out-run you!
: This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home. Tom Marshall
: I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone... he liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And... hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.
: [doing his best c3p0 voice
] We are in serious trouble my friends. All data points to us being... how do you human's say it? Completely screwed. Dan Mott
: yeah. You know, that is... that's a good way to say it. That pretty much sums it up. Dan Mott
: [doing his best c3p0 voice
] As expected, Tom is... drunk.
: Where are we? Jerry Conlaine
: Corner of Bumfuck and You Got a Purty Mouth.
: Hey, that sounds like Creed. Tom Marshall
: I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.
: When we get out of this someone's buying a round of drinks, not it. Tom Marshall
: Not it. Dan Mott
: Is there beer in heaven? Jerry Conlaine
: I was thinking more the bar in town.
: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding
] I about shit. Did you about shit? Tom Marshall
: I about shit. Dan Mott
: I did shit. Jerry Conlaine
: Oh shit! Dan Mott
: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit? Dan Mott
: [while falling off the waterfall
[all together shout
] Dan Mott
: Oh, shit!
: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire... Dan Mott
: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way? Tom Marshall
: No... but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.
: What does the map say, Jerry? Jerry Conlaine
: Oh, you know, it's a map.
: Jerry, didn't you see that the river split on the map? Jerry Conlaine
: I would have if your friend the big-ass bear hadn't eaten it!
: Let's go through there. Dan Mott
: Where? There's no door!
: It crawled straight in my stomach! Jerry Conlaine
: Come on, let's go Dan Mott
: I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!
: You're a lot smarter than him. Right Dan? Dan Mott
: Well, I wouldn't say a lot smarter.
: I bet you a hundred grand and my left nut that all you catch in that river is a cold. Tom Marshall
: [after catching a fish
] You owe me a hundred grand AND the left nut!
: You guys are spraying me. Tom Marshall
: Give me a break. I'm writing your name. Dan Mott
: Stop it!
: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick. Jerry Conlaine
: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years. Dan Mott
: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?
: Are you running immigrants over the boarder again, coyote? Tom Marshall
: Those guys fell asleep in my truck! I thought I'd just gotten shit-faced and bought a bunch of sombreros. I didn't know there were dudes underneath.
: This is exactly what you hear about when people go into the deep woods in the middle of the summertime! Aside from getting all sorts of diseases and things, they just wind up being the victims of some kind of unexpected man-rape!
: I wouldn't be so jealous of me if I were you. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia. Jerry Conlaine
: You're exaggerating again. Dan Mott
: I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry. Jerry Conlaine
: So? There's a lot of people that are afraid of the dark. Dan Mott
: I'm afraid of small spaces. Jerry Conlaine
: Again, not that abnormal. Dan Mott
: Cellophane. Tom Marshall
: Like Saran Wrap? Jerry Conlaine
: Yeah, you're alone on that one. Dan Mott
: I won't even keep it in the house anymore, because I'm afraid that somehow it'll get draped over my head and stick to my mouth and nose and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that? Tom Marshall
: My name is Flower. Butterfly
: You may call me Butterfly. Flower
: And if you're from the logging company you'll have to speak to our lawyers! Tom Marshall
: [whispers to Jerry
] If you look to your left you can totally see their downstairs. Jerry Conlaine
] Uh, we're not, we're not from the logging company. Flower
: [smiling and putting two fingers up
] Peace! Jerry Conlaine
, Tom Marshall
, Dan Mott
: H-hey! Peace!
: [as Flower is lovingly attending to him
] I'm very good at giving a back massage... so if you wanna roll down those stockings I could give you one. Flower
: Stockings? Dan Mott
: Uh, leg warmers? Flower
: [shows Dan one of her very hairy legs
] I'm all natural.
] Dan Mott
: How do you guys get supplies? Flower
: When we need supplies, we radio the Earthchild Support Network. Jerry Conlaine
] Radio? You guys have a *radio*? Butterfly
: Yeah. We haven't used it since that last big thunderstorm. Remember that Flower? Flower
] Oh my god. That thunderstorm was *so* spiritual. Earthchild's limbs were waving and heaving back and forth like she was dancing to the rhythm of the thunder. It was like, BAM! BAM! BAM! Full on... fanatric... orgasm. Jerry Conlaine
: So where is this radio? Dan Mott
: Tree had an orgasm?
[Butterfly gets up and excitedly holds Flower's hands
] We danced naked in the storm all night! Butterfly
] And then held each other soaking wet until the morning. The rain is like a drug, it just makes you wanna... Dan Mott
: What? Makes you wanna what?
[Butterfly and Flower look at each other and giggle
: Remember, carry your friends wherever you go. Dan Mott
: Close to your heart. Del Knox
: Or on your back. I got D.B's bones in my satchel. Thought I'd give 'em a proper burial. I spent 30 years waiting to have a life!
: [lying in a bed
] So happy right now.
[the camera pans out, revealing Flower lying next to Dan
] That was really... really beautiful.
[Dan smiles and Flower moves closer and kisses him
: [lovingly holding Dan
] Hmmm will you get the light hon'? Dan Mott
: Oh... yeah.
[Dan turns the light off using his foot
] You're so good at that now.