Andrew 'Andy' Osnard
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Quotes for
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard (Character)
from The Tailor of Panama (2001)

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The Tailor of Panama (2001)
Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas: You know what I would do if I were president of Panama?
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: What?
Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas: I'd shoot every fuck in this room.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: [Trying to make his getaway] Get out of my way. Don't be bloody annoying, Harry!

Maltby: I'll walk you to your plane.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship?
Maltby: I think it desperately unlikely.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Are you pulling my pisser?
Harold 'Harry' Pendel: Not unless the President's pulling mine!

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Don't be a cunt, Harry, we're made for each other. You've got the debts, I've got the money. Where's your patriotism?
Harold 'Harry' Pendel: I had it out in prison, without an anesthetic.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: You're right... it WAS open. Just TIGHT from lack of use.

Andy: Come and dance.
Francesca Deane: Oh God. You don't DANCE as well, do you?
Andy: As well as what?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: It's dark and lonely work, Harry - like oral sex, but someone has to do it.

Francesca Deane: Do you know I think you're the wickedest human being I've ever met.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: That was the attraction, wasn't it?

Cavendish: Not the Osnard who got drummed out of Madrid? Foreign Minister's wife, wasn't it?
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Not his wife. Mistress. There are some things I won't do for England.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: There's two ways we can deal with this one, old girl. Sweat it out for six months, then fall into each other's arms. "Darling, why didn't we ever do this before?" Method B, the preferred one... full-on affair, now. Observing tight security all round. See how we like it. If we don't, chuck it in. No one's the wiser.
Francesca Deane: I don't suppose it's occurred to you that I might hugely prefer someone else?
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Is that a "no"?
Francesca Deane: No.

Harry Pendel: And do we dress right or left, sir? Most of my gentlemen favour left these days, don't think it's political.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Never know where the bloody thing is. Bobs about like a wind-sock.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: [to Harry] It's all right. I'm your fairy godmother.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Without the Yanks to hold our hands, London will pull the entire project.
Harry Pendel: Why?
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Because in matters of intelligence, dear Harry, as in most matters merry England sucks on the American hind tit. It's called "The Special Relationship".

Harry Pendel: So we have to stop all this, you hear? Mickie knew nothing about it. You know and I know, I made it all up.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Oh, it's too late for that, old boy. Out of our hands. A case of life imitating art.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Come on, let's dance. Camp it up a bit. Come on. I'll lead.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Don't you ever feel like breaking out... running wild? Just for the badness?
Louisa Pendel: Never. Harry is my virtue. Without him I'd be...
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: You'd be like Harry without Arthur Braithwaite.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Look at those tits. Yum-yum.

Harry Pendel: You press me too hard, Andy.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Sweetheart, you haven't even felt me yet.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: You've excelled yourself. This is a better yarn than Arthur Braithwaite.
Harry Pendel: Are you implying that I'm...
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Doesn't matter what I think. It plays.

Louisa Pendel: What is all this bullshit about Abraxas and Delgado?
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Don't worry about it. It's crap. It's all a game.

[first lines]
MI.6 Handler: Panama.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Panama?
MI.6 Handler: Best I could do Andrew. Under the circumstances, given your sins. They were baying for blood.

Harry Pendel: [taking his measurements] A very creditable 34 plus, sir.
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: Plus what?
Harry Pendel: Plus lunch, put it that way, sir.

[last lines]
Andrew 'Andy' Osnard: [making eye contact with flight attendant] Well, there are two ways we can deal with this, my dear...