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: Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.
: [while taking a bath
] God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson? Hobson
: Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits. Arthur
: A hot bath is wonderful... Girls are WONDERFUL! Hobson
: Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be. Get dressed.
: [to Ralph
] If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.
[to Arthur, after Linda Marolla stole a necktie from a store
: Yes, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation, unless you're planning to knock over a fruit stand later in the evening. Hobson
: [to Linda
] Good luck in prison.
: [waiting at Arthur's father's office
] I hate it here! Hobson
: Of course you hate it. People work here.
: He gets all that money. Pays his family back by... by... by bein' a stinkin' drunk. It's enough ta make ya sick. Hobson
: I really wouldn't know, sir. I'm just a servant. Executive
: Yeah. Hobson
: On the other hand, go screw yourself.
: Hobson, do you know the worst part, the WORST part of being me? Hobson
: I should imagine your breath.
: Thrilling to meet you, Gloria. Gloria
: Hi. Hobson
: Yes... You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.
: What are you doing later tonight? Linda
: Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear? Hobson
: Steal something casual.
: Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur. Poor drunks have very few teeth, they urinate outdoors, they freeze to death in summer. I can't bear to think of you that way.
: I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?
: Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures.
: I just told Linda I was getting engaged. Hobson
: I don't know why; a little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.
: [wearing a cowboy hat Arthur gave him to cheer him up
] If I begin to die, please take this off my head. This is not the way I wish to be remembered.
: Would you remove your helmet, please? Arthur
: Why? Hobson
[Arthur hands him his helmet
: Thank you. Now your goggles. Arthur
: Why? Hobson
[Arthur hands him his goggles
: Thank you.
[slaps him across the face repeatedly
: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
[in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag
: Hobson, did you see that? Hobson
] Yes. Arthur
: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime. Hobson
: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?
: Arthur, you're a good son.
: Do you want anything? Hobson
: I want to be younger. Arthur
: Sorry, it's your job to be older.
: Hobson? Hobson
: Yes. Arthur
: Do you know what I'm going to do? Hobson
: No, I don't. Arthur
: I'm going to take a bath. Hobson
: I'll alert the media. Arthur
] Do you want to run my bath for me? Hobson
: That's what I live for.
: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone. Hobson
: Yes, bathing is a lonely business. Arthur
: Except for fish. Hobson
: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"? Arthur
: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson? Hobson
: Pardon me...
[rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head
: [entering Linda's apartment
] How revolting!
: Here's your tea. Hobson
: I despise tea. Now, would you go to the bathroom and bring me two aspirin? You'll find them on the top shelf to the left, behind the untouched shaving cream.
[Ralph looks embarrassed and leaves the room. Hobson coughs
: That sounds bad. Have you seen a doctor? Hobson
: Yes. And he has seen me. Linda
: You know, I think Arthur has a very good friend. May I kiss you on the cheek? Hobson
: Is it something you feel strongly about? Linda
[She kisses Hobson, who smiles, nods, and prepares to leave
: What about your aspirins? Hobson
: The aspirins are for you, my dear.
: Why didn't you tell me before? Hobson
: I didn't want you to feel bad. Arthur
: Why are you telling me now? Hobson
: Because I want you to feel bad.
: I'm going to take a bath. Hobson
: I'll alert the media.
: Evander, if he's not out of this ring in one minute I'll bite your other ear off.
: Hello Hobson! Hobson
: Morning Arthur. And Friend. Arthur
: [Points at Tiffany
] Tiffany. Hobson
: Ohhh, Points for knowing her name and saying it with confidence. Arthur
: I made a Mental association with my lamp.
: Tiffany, this is my nanny Hobson, my best friend in the whole world. Tiffany
: Your nanny? Hobson
: Hes merely shaped like an adult.
: [Holding up Tiffany's Bra
] I wouldn't recommend letting him get used to your breasts dear, hes got an addictive personality. He was at mine till he was six. Arthur
: Hobson! Hobson
: I had to dab tabasco on the nipples to see him off Arthur
: That lady has never once breastfed me Hobson
: Despite his best efforts.
: My Name is Lillian and I am an alcoholic. I'm rich, I'm fabulously rich. I'm also generous and kind hearted. My father died when I was young and my mother was absent most of the time. Is this an excuse for making a mockery of my life? Oh it all looks very wild from the outside, I once went to bed with three European Princesses at the same time but A, I cant remember anything about it, and B, apparently I vomited over two of them before losing control of my bladder on the third, oh yes all such fun. Until the fog parts and suddenly there's a hole so big that all the vintage champagne and all the bat mobiles on the world can't fill it. Then I'm all alone on my magnetic bed, wondering what venereal disease I've just caught. Arthur
: Always the quiet ones.
: If projectile vomiting ever becomes an Olympic event, you would do your country proud.
: What can I do Hobson? I mean what would you do if you were me? Hobson
: The word "bathe" comes to mind.
: Yesterday I sold some blood at a hospital. Hobson
: Hospital? I should've thought a local distillery would have paid you much more.
: [Arthur is conversing with the ghost of Hobson
] Arthur, I've seen your son. Arthur
: [Arthur, inebriated, looks stricken
] Oh! Hobson
: I've told him all about you. But he still wants to meet you very much. Arthur
: Ah, old man, you're not playing fair!