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: [at a meeting where the town is debating the merits of Luke and Lorelai dating
] All right! That's it! This is my relationship. Not yours! Not yours!
[to everyone else
: But not yours. Mine and hers but not
[looking pointedly at Taylor
: yours! There's not gonna be any more debating about whether or not it's a good idea if we're in a relationship, 'cause we're in a relationship Lorelai Gilmore
: Show them the horoscope! Taylor Doose
: But in the event of a breakup... Luke
: There's not going to be a breakup. Gypsy
: Well, isn't he the optimistic fellow? Luke
: Fine. In case of a breakup, I'll move. I'll close up Luke's Diner, I'll go far, far away, and that way you won't have to choose, okay? Every section in town can be pink. Taylor Doose
: Can we have your word on that? Luke
: You can have my word and a couple of middle fingers on that, Taylor.
: All right, let's move on to the next order of business. Hmm. A very serious matter has been brought to our attention, and I would like to bring to the floor for discussion the possible negative ramifications of the inn owner and diner owner dating. Lorelai Gilmore
] That's us. Luke
: They're talking about us. Taylor Doose
: Now, as you all know, the relationship we have feared for some time has emerged, and we need to carefully consider whether or not we can support this. Lorelai Gilmore
: Oh, my God. Luke
: We're sitting right here! Taylor Doose
: Yes, we see you, Luke, and, as a member of the town, you are welcome to voice your opinion.
: Luke's Diner is a staple in this town. Most of us eat there on a regular basis. The Dragonfly Inn, though newer than Luke's Diner, has also become very important in our community. The co-mingling of the owners of these two establishments can only set the stage for disaster. Luke
: What the hell is he talking about? Lorelai Gilmore
: Well he's not happy with our co-mingling. Taylor Doose
: Think of the consequences. What will happen when the relationship goes sour, as, let's face it, most of Lorelai's relationships do? Lorelai Gilmore
: Hey! Taylor Doose
: We'll have to choose. Suddenly you'll either be a 'Luke' or a 'Lorelai', or, if you're Kirk and you can't make a decision to save your life, you'll be neither. Kirk Gleason
: He's probably right.
: People, do I have to remind you about Fay Wellington and Art Brush, huh? Do I?
[murmurs in the crowd
] Lorelai Gilmore
: Uh, yeah. Babette Dell
: Fay owned a flower shop, and Art owned a candy store, and they fell madly in love about 10 years ago; \big romance. Taylor Doose
: And for a while, it all worked very synergistically. Flowers and candy seemed like a perfect match... Miss Patty
: Until Art met Margie. Gypsy
: The fudge queen. Babette Dell
: Ooh, that was bad. Taylor Doose
: The whole town split right down the middle. Suddenly you could buy flowers or you could buy candy. Miss Patty
: Valentine's Day was a nightmare. Taylor Doose
: ...Eventually, the hostility forced Art to move. Babette Dell
: Fay never married. She stopped making candy. It was very sad. Taylor Doose
: And those storefronts were empty for a year. No one wanted to be there. Lorelai Gilmore
: God, this sounds terrible. Maybe they have a point. Luke
: No, they don't have a point. Lorelai Gilmore
: Well, what if something happens? Luke
: This is crazy. I don't believe that the breakup of Fay Wellington and Art Brush affected the economy of this town one bit. Taylor Doose
: Well, lucky for you, I brought charts Luke
: You have charts concerning the romance of two people who used to live here 10 years ago?
: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose. Babette Dell
: You get dumped on, Taylor? Taylor Doose
: It's not just me. Luke Danes
: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar. Kirk Gleason
: I'll check the internet. Miss Patty
: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that? Taylor Doose
: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab! Rory Gilmore
: That's cruel. Babette Dell
: You can't do that. Andrew
: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head. Lorelai Gilmore
: There it is, our new town slogan. Rory Gilmore
: I like it. Lorelai Gilmore
: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts. Rory Gilmore
: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds. Lorelai Gilmore
: That moan when you squeeze them!
: There's one more issue that must be addressed before we can adjourn. All right. Now, that weird, taciturn fellow who's always walking around with his backpack has put in an absurd request to stage a protest in the town square. Lorelai Gilmore
: The town loner? Luke Danes
: That guy still lives around here? Babette Dell
: Somewhere in the hills, right? Lorelai Gilmore
: I thought he was long gone. Andrew
: No, he came into the bookstore a couple times last month, never said a word. Miss Patty
: He's a bit creepy. Taylor Doose
: Very creepy. Lorelai Gilmore
: But he's our Boo Radley, and we don't have a Boo Radley, unless you count the troubadour or Pete the pizza guy or the guy who talks to mailboxes.
: Could this meeting be more disrupted? Lorelai Gilmore
: I could do a soft shoe. Rory Gilmore
: Yeah, while I pound out a beat on the bongos. Babette Dell
: Ooh, that sounds like fun! Miss Patty
: I got bongos in the back! Taylor Doose
: Seeing as how our attention spans are gnat-like tonight, as town Selectman I am refusing the town loner's request to protest and I am adjourning this meeting.
: You don't have to yell, Luke. Luke
: You put a giant window in my wall. Taylor
: So what? Luke
: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store. Taylor
: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store. Luke
: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood. Taylor
: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy. Luke
: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!
[Taylor is staring at him
: What? Taylor
: Your hand is near the wax lips. Luke
: So? Taylor
: If you could just move it so you don't accidentally touch the candy.
[Luke lifts up his hand in preparation
[Luke starts to rummage through all the candy
: What are you doing? You stop that right now! Luke
: [throwing candy in the air
] Look at all the pretty candy!
: Scoop toward you, rolling smoothly - very good Ginger! Nice symmetrical balls there, Joshua. Easy on the nuts, EASY ON THE NUTS. One cherry, and then present your sundae with a Taylor tip.
: [at the town meeting
] All right, everybody! That's enough! The meeting has come to order. Now before we get down to official business, I would like to unofficially thank all of you for your concerns over my health. I'm doing much better, thank you. Babette Dell
: We never heard. What did you do? Lorelai Gilmore
: Yeah what happened? Miss Patty
: I heard you slipped in the tub. Taylor Doose
: That's right, I did. Let that be a lesson to all of you. Bathroom safety is a serious business. One can never be too careful. Now, on to... Gypsy
: I thought the paramedics found you in your living room. Taylor Doose
: Well, yes. The tub was, in fact, a pedi-spa. I have bunions, and I was soaking, but it still was exceedingly slippery
: Onto the next order of business. Our esteemed friend and neighbor Kirk would like a permit to do his performance art piece called "Kirk-in-a-box" in the town square. Kirk Gleason
: It isn't a performance art piece. It is a feat of endurance - an attempt to stretch the bounds of human possibility. Miss Patty
: And what exactly is "Kirk-in-a-box"? Kirk Gleason
: I will be suspended 20 feet above the street in a clear Lucite box with no food or water. Lorelai Gilmore
: Like David Blaine. Kirk Gleason
: Not at all. My box is smaller. Babette Dell
: Why? Kirk Gleason
: Because Lucite is very costly. Babette Dell
: No. Why are you doing it? Kirk Gleason
: To see if I can. Taylor Doose
: Let me point out that something like this could draw a crowd. Gypsy
: Hey, if Kirk wants to sit in a box, let him sit in a box. Morey Dell
: Yeah, what do we care? Babette Dell
: Yeah, you don't have to look. It's a good idea! Let's vote! Taylor Doose
: Very well. All those in favor.
[Town votes Aye
] Taylor Doose
: All right, all right. But don't complain to me when and if we run into a parking situation...
: [Lorelai and Rory enter Town Meeting late
] Late again, are we? Lorelai
: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant. Taylor
: Really, you should try to be more punctual, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half hour ago. Lorelai
: Mhmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type 24B otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business. The 2nd Troubadour
: Why did you say it twice? Taylor
: Hmm? Babette
: You said cart kiosk cart kiosk! Lorelai
: Its repetitive. Rory
: And redundant. Lorelai
: Its repetitive. Rory
: And redundant. Lorelai
: We certainly are entertaining, Mac! Rory
: Indubitably, Tosh.
: Breathe in folks, smells like fall. Luke
: Get out Taylor. Taylor
: Why? Luke
: Just a code I live by.
: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you? Luke
: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.
: What are you gonna do about it Luke? Luke Danes
: About what? Taylor Doose
: About the results of my investigation! Luke Danes
: Absolutely nothing, but thanks for the info!
: [in the middle of convincing Nicole to date his nephew, instead of Luke
] Luke I'm not talking to you. Luke
: It's my lucky day.
: I have every right to make the necessary renovations to the building that I am paying good money to lease. Luke Danes
: Taylor, if any other person in this town pulled a stunt like this in front of your market, you'd have them arrested. Taylor Doose
: I have acquired all the necessary permits to do exactly what I'm doing, and all of this has been looked over and approved by the town magistrate. Luke Danes
: You're the town magistrate! Taylor Doose
: And as such, if you have any complaints about me, you may take them up with me.
: [ranting about Luke
] He's a mule. He won't talk, he won't reason, he won't spruce.
: [Taylor is making Lorelai's renovation project difficult
] That's it!
[She grabs Taylor's lapels
] Taylor Doose
: Lorelai, watch it. I've got church later. Lorelai Gilmore
: What did I do to make you torture me like this, Taylor? Taylor Doose
: I don't know what you're talking about. Lorelai Gilmore
: The hoops! The hoops with the jumping and the fire and the hoops! Taylor Doose
: It's just business, Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: I pay to shop in your store. I eat your banana splits. I've never physically hurt you... except for that one spit wad in the one town meeting, but I didn't mean for it to hit your eye and I apologized profusely, so please, please, put me out of my misery and tell me what I need to do to make this thing happen! Taylor Doose
: I want an ice cream truck! Lorelai Gilmore
: What? Taylor Doose
: I want to sell ice cream off a truck in the summer. I want to park it in front of the soda shop. I want to ring the bell on it every day at noon, but the only place I can park it is the space that's partly in front of Luke's diner. Lorelai Gilmore
: So? Taylor Doose
: You have pull with Luke. Lorelai Gilmore
: I guess, maybe. Taylor Doose
: You're friends. Lorelai Gilmore
: Yes. Taylor Doose
: You can get him to agree to this. Lorelai Gilmore
: Use my pull. Taylor Doose
: If you don't mind. Lorelai Gilmore
: So if I get Luke to agree to this, the madness stops? Taylor Doose
: If that's what you want to call it. Lorelai Gilmore
: The work begins and the porch goes? Taylor Doose
: All expedited, nice and neat. Lorelai Gilmore
: An ice cream truck? Taylor Doose
: An ice cream truck. Lorelai Gilmore
: [She lets go of Taylor
] You can go.
: Townspeople, we should all be proud of the new addition to our streets. I know many of you have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk for many years... Luke Danes
: What? Taylor Doose
: - And now, your dream has come true. Luke Danes
: It's like Hitler's Germany! Taylor Doose
: Luke! Luke Danes
: You're trying to brainwash us, Taylor. Telling us we want something that we don't, and not giving us any choice. Lorelai Gilmore
: Luke, shush! We're planning. Luke Danes
: I heard, and you're idiots if you don't eat first. Taylor Doose
: Everybody, let me segue into the informational portion of our gathering. If I can turn your attention to the pole here, you will see a yellow button with an instructional panel right above it. Miss Patty
: Oh my God. That's the biggest yellow button I've ever seen. Taylor Doose
: Now if you'll read the panel above the button, you'll learn how the system works. Miss Patty
: [reading the sign
] To cross street, push yellow button, wait for walk signal. When signal reads WALK, step into street and proceed to the other side. Luke Danes
: It's written for morons. Babette Dell
: In big stupid letters too! Morey Dell
: I hate being infantilized. Taylor Doose
: Does no one here care about this fate of near accidents we have suffered over the past year? Luke Danes
: NEAR accidents. Meaning they didn't happen. Taylor Doose
: Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean that we shouldn't ward against them. Luke Danes
: There's lots of things that don't happen that we don't ward against. Taylor Doose
: Like? Luke Danes
: Like... everything. Taylor Doose
: So that everything doesn't happen here, meaning nothing happens? Luke Danes
: No, it's - It's not nothing happens. Stuff happens. It's that it... it's not everything that's... it's... Damn it, Taylor! Taylor Doose
: [Taylor is video-conferencing a town meeting
] Where the hell are you, Taylor? Taylor Doose
: I'm at my sister's in Maine. Anyway, we have never not had a Stars Hollow Winter Carnival. It's a hundred and twenty-five year tradition. Lorelai Gilmore
: Is he getting to the point soon? Babette Dell
: Yeah, come on, Doo-doo head. Taylor Doose
: Fine, let's cut to the chase. I run the winter carnival, it's this weekend, and I am snowed in, unable to get back into town.
[Gets no reaction from the town
] Miss Patty
: So, what's this about, Taylor? Taylor Doose
: Maybe it's the lateness of the hour or the computer connection isn't clear. We have never had to cancel a carnival, and it's absolutely impossible for me to get back into town to run it. Babette Dell
: I must be tired. I'm not getting this. Miss Patty
: It's like a riddle or something. Taylor Doose
: People, are you not hearing me? I won't be there to run the carnival. Draw the obvious conclusion. Miss Patty
: Oh, OK, I got it now. Taylor Doose
: Thank you, Patty. Miss Patty
: Kirk, could you take it over? Kirk Gleason
: Sure. Miss Patty
: Great. Anything else, Taylor?
: This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady. Lorelai Gilmore
: I know Taylor. I'm sorry Luke
: She's bipolar. Miss Patty
: Really? But you're so young...
: Oh well, whatever, nevermind.
: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child? Luke
: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.