Kirk Gleason
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Quotes for
Kirk Gleason (Character)
from "Gilmore Girls" (2000)

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"Gilmore Girls: Just Like Gwen and Gavin (#6.12)" (2006)
Kirk Gleason: [mumbled from outside] Town meeting.
Lorelai Gilmore: What was that?
Luke Danes: Some dead guy yelling something.
Lorelai Gilmore: Ghosts are yelling something outside the house?
Luke Danes: No, guys I'm gonna kill yelling stuff outside the house.
Kirk Gleason: [mumbled from outside] Town meeting.
Lorelai Gilmore: What are they saying?
Luke Danes: There was a clown beating?
Lorelai Gilmore: Huh! Not again.
Kirk Gleason: Town meeting!
Luke Danes: Now, they're saying, "town meeting".
Lorelai Gilmore: Town meeting? At this hour?

Luke Danes: [Taylor is video-conferencing a town meeting] Where the hell are you, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: I'm at my sister's in Maine. Anyway, we have never not had a Stars Hollow Winter Carnival. It's a hundred and twenty-five year tradition.
Lorelai Gilmore: Is he getting to the point soon?
Babette Dell: Yeah, come on, Doo-doo head.
Taylor Doose: Fine, let's cut to the chase. I run the winter carnival, it's this weekend, and I am snowed in, unable to get back into town.
[Gets no reaction from the town]
Miss Patty: So, what's this about, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: Maybe it's the lateness of the hour or the computer connection isn't clear. We have never had to cancel a carnival, and it's absolutely impossible for me to get back into town to run it.
Babette Dell: I must be tired. I'm not getting this.
Miss Patty: It's like a riddle or something.
Taylor Doose: People, are you not hearing me? I won't be there to run the carnival. Draw the obvious conclusion.
Miss Patty: Oh, OK, I got it now.
Taylor Doose: Thank you, Patty.
Miss Patty: Kirk, could you take it over?
Kirk Gleason: Sure.
Miss Patty: Great. Anything else, Taylor?

Lorelai Gilmore: Kirk, you needed carnival-game volunteers and I volunteered. What's with the hassle?
Kirk Gleason: We do things like ring toss and rope ladder climbing. Your choice is unorthodox.
Lorelai Gilmore: That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow.

"Gilmore Girls: To Live and Let Diorama (#5.18)" (2005)
Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!

Lorelai Gilmore: Kirk? Turn off the TV and come have your breakfast.
Kirk: In a minute.
Lorelai Gilmore: Now.
Paris Geller: How old is he?
Rory Gilmore: You'd have to cut him open and count the rings.

"Gilmore Girls: Take the Deviled Eggs... (#3.6)" (2002)
Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!

Luke Danes: What can I get you Kirk?
Kirk Gleason: Patty melt and a coke.
Luke Danes: You want the melt cut into squares or stars today?
Kirk Gleason: Half and half.

"Gilmore Girls: An Affair to Remember (#4.6)" (2003)
Kirk Gleason: Excuse me, is that good?
Woman: Yes.
Kirk Gleason: And what is that?
Woman: Meat loaf.
Kirk Gleason: Ok, so this meat loaf... is it a romantic food for you? Is it getting you hot?

[at Luke's Diner, Kirk studies the diner tables]
Luke Danes: What are you doing, Kirk?
Kirk Gleason: Say I was Tom Cruise. Where would you seat me?
Luke Danes: In an acting class.

"Gilmore Girls: Haunted Leg (#3.2)" (2002)
Lorelai Gilmore: Are you okay?
Kirk Gleason: My mother has developed a knee condition. It makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit. But other than that, and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine.

Kirk Gleason: By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I've ever seen... outside of a really filthy magazine.

"Gilmore Girls: Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom! (#4.18)" (2004)
Kirk Gleason: We won't let you down, Taylor, because not only are we going to find 20 eggs within the hour but we're going on to find 25 and then 30 and then 35 and then 40 and then 45 and then 50 until we find all 59 and take back the square!

"Gilmore Girls: Chicken or Beef? (#4.4)" (2003)
Lorelai Gilmore: Kirk, please, what can we do right now? The alarm is just so loud.
Kirk Gleason: Yeah, that's my fault too. I asked Jimmy to really crank it up.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, he did.
Kirk Gleason: If you're gonna have an alarm, you need it loud. You don't want some crazed knife-wielding gunman at your throat, and the neighbors are going, like, "Is that a fan? Did I leave the water running?" You want them to know, hey, that's an alarm.
Lorelai Gilmore: Your imaginary attacker has a knife *and* a gun?
Kirk Gleason: And a really dirty tank top.

"Gilmore Girls: I Can't Get Started (#2.22)" (2002)
Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore.

"Gilmore Girls: Written in the Stars (#5.3)" (2004)
Taylor Doose: Luke's Diner is a staple in this town. Most of us eat there on a regular basis. The Dragonfly Inn, though newer than Luke's Diner, has also become very important in our community. The co-mingling of the owners of these two establishments can only set the stage for disaster.
Luke: What the hell is he talking about?
Lorelai Gilmore: Well he's not happy with our co-mingling.
Taylor Doose: Think of the consequences. What will happen when the relationship goes sour, as, let's face it, most of Lorelai's relationships do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey!
Taylor Doose: We'll have to choose. Suddenly you'll either be a 'Luke' or a 'Lorelai', or, if you're Kirk and you can't make a decision to save your life, you'll be neither.
Kirk Gleason: He's probably right.

"Gilmore Girls: Unto the Breach (#7.21)" (2007)
Taylor Doose: Onto the next order of business. Our esteemed friend and neighbor Kirk would like a permit to do his performance art piece called "Kirk-in-a-box" in the town square.
Kirk Gleason: It isn't a performance art piece. It is a feat of endurance - an attempt to stretch the bounds of human possibility.
Miss Patty: And what exactly is "Kirk-in-a-box"?
Kirk Gleason: I will be suspended 20 feet above the street in a clear Lucite box with no food or water.
Lorelai Gilmore: Like David Blaine.
Kirk Gleason: Not at all. My box is smaller.
Babette Dell: Why?
Kirk Gleason: Because Lucite is very costly.
Babette Dell: No. Why are you doing it?
Kirk Gleason: To see if I can.
Taylor Doose: Let me point out that something like this could draw a crowd.
Gypsy: Hey, if Kirk wants to sit in a box, let him sit in a box.
Morey Dell: Yeah, what do we care?
Babette Dell: Yeah, you don't have to look. It's a good idea! Let's vote!
Taylor Doose: Very well. All those in favor.
[Town votes Aye]
Taylor Doose: All right, all right. But don't complain to me when and if we run into a parking situation...

"Gilmore Girls: Dead Uncles and Vegetables (#2.17)" (2002)
Kirk: Hello? How 'bout that coffee?
Lorelai: I got it.
Kirk: Oh, but mine's a quarter caff.
Lorelai: Huh?
Kirk: Three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaff.
Lorelai: I four fourths don't care.

"Gilmore Girls: The Reigning Lorelai (#4.16)" (2004)
Kirk Gleason: Oh, I can tell you what they're saying.
Lorelai Gilmore: How?
Kirk Gleason: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep a conversation going at the same time. Okay: she just said "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."
Lorelai Gilmore: Kirk, that doesn't make any sense.
Kirk Gleason: Must mean they're on to us and they've switched to some sort of code.
Lorelai Gilmore: I don't think they're speaking in code.
Kirk Gleason: Oh, I think Luke's heading back, he just got up and said "Feel your taters."
Lorelai Gilmore: Is it possible he said "I'll see you later?"
Kirk Gleason: No, I'm pretty sure about this one.
Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.

"Gilmore Girls: Dear Emily and Richard (#3.13)" (2003)
Lorelai: [entering Luke's] Okay! I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone, and who am I saying this to?
Kirk Gleason: I was listening.
Lorelai: Where's Luke?
Kirk Gleason: I don't know.
Lorelai: Well is he here? Is he coming back? How fresh is that pot?
Kirk Gleason: I don't know, I don't know, it was sitting there when I got here but that's only been a minute so I don't know.
Lorelai: [Luke enters] Oh, thank god. Hey, I desperately need a maaassive cup of coffee to go, and - What happened to your face?
Luke Danes: What do you mean?
Lorelai: It's - visible.
Luke Danes: Oh, I shaved.
Lorelai: Are you going to the bank?
Luke Danes: No.
Lorelai: Funeral?
Luke Danes: No.
Lorelai: Drag club?
Luke Danes: Let's get you your coffee, shall we?

"Gilmore Girls: Teach Me Tonight (#2.19)" (2002)
Kirk: In my heart I am a true Akira Kurosawa.
Lorelai: Ah, Seven Samurai.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Kirk: No, who's the guy that directed all those Facts of Life episodes? Asaad Kelada. In my heart, I am a true Asaad Kelada.

"Gilmore Girls: Women of Questionable Morals (#5.11)" (2005)
Luke Danes: Should I bother to ask how your day's going?
Lorelai: Oh, terrific! My shoe's an icicle, the Inn's driveway is snowed in and we lost the Goldfarbs.
Luke Danes: Who are the Goldfarbs?
Lorelai: The two guests who bothered to show up. I sent them skiing and I killed them.
Luke Danes: You killed your guests?
Lorelai: Eh, well, you know what happens. The only bright side of my day is being asked to be a prostitute.
Luke Danes: That's something to cling to.
Kirk Gleason: [bursting into the diner] My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore! Woohoo! Yeah!
Lorelai: Great, now I'm not even the town whore.
Luke Danes: Well, if you like, I'll leave a little something on the dresser for you tonight.

"Gilmore Girls: Raincoats and Recipes (#4.22)" (2004)
Kirk Gleason: I have night terrors.
Luke Danes: Night terrors?
Kirk Gleason: Basically I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening. Scary. Out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house. I had to get out of the room before he got me. So, I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Luke Danes: Why?
Kirk Gleason: Because it was a bomb.
Luke Danes: Of course.
Kirk Gleason: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof, completely naked.
Luke Danes: Ah jeez!
Kirk Gleason: The worst part of night terrors is, it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked. Or running down the street completely naked, or swimming in the community center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.

"Gilmore Girls: A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving (#3.9)" (2002)
Lorelai: Hey, Kirk, discover a new freaky fetish?
Kirk Gleason: What?
Rory: Nothing. You buy a cat?
Kirk Gleason: Yep! I'm very excited.
Lorelai: You seem it. So what's all this?
Rory: I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store.
Kirk Gleason: Actually there are a number of things left.
Rory: No, I meant, you seem to be buying a lot of stuff.
Kirk Gleason: Oh. Sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.

"Gilmore Girls: Face-Off (#3.15)" (2003)
Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?