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: I am reduced to calling you and asking are you coming? Lorelai
: Uh-hu. Emily
: Is that "uh-hu, yes I'm coming" or "uh-hu, I was reading while you were talking"? Lorelai
: [throwing things at Luke
] Tell you what, Mom. Plan on me coming, and if I don't then it'll just be more for everyone else. Emily
: Lorelai, you know very well our dinners do not work like that. There is careful planning and shopping and preperation that goes into every meal no matter how boring or simple it may seem to you. Lorelai
[throws half a burger at Luke
: Hey, what...
: Get off that phone! Lorelai
: Oh, shoot, Mom. There's no cell phones in here. I'll call you back later. Bye.
[hangs up/to Luke
: And when I need you. Nowhere. Luke
: [in shock
: I just found out Sookie's pregnant. Lorelai
: Uh huh. Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.
: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically. Rory Gilmore
: I promise it was very proper. Lorelai
: Yes Mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.
: [Dean has honked, as arranged, when picking up Rory
] It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through, she's not fried chicken.
: Oh my God! They're holding coconuts and leering! Lorelai
: It's funny. Emily
: You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic leering monkey lamp? How could you? Lorelai
[Emily insists that a snack she prepared was one of Lorelai's favorites as a child, which Lorelai doesn't remember
: Let me give it a try. Emily
: All right.
[Lorelai takes a bite
: Hmm. Emily
: Yes? Lorelai
: It's even more disgusting than I thought it was going to be. Emily
: Oh, it is not.
[Emily takes a bite
: Oh my God, it's horrible! What on Earth was I thinking?
: [Lorelai and Rory have a high-spirited discussion at Friday night dinner
] Spaghetti and meatballs is just too much excitement.
: I'm all alone here and I desperately need to run a couple of errands. Lorelai Gilmore
: And there's no one else? Emily Gilmore
: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so no, there's no one else.
: [the Gilmores are discussing buildings that should have Rory's name on them
] The Rory Gilmore Medical Research Laboratory. Emily Gilmore
: No, that sounds like monkey testing. People won't pick it!
: [to Rory, who is asleep in bed in the pool house at 8:30
] Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young, these are the good days. There's plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes.
: Lorelai, you scared me half to death! Lorelai
: Yeah, well, follow through, always been my problem.
: I'm sorry, if you're talking to me you'll have to do it in woofs. Emily Gilmore
: You've been working with my daughter way too long. Michel Gerard
: Don't I know it.
: That's a pretty color. What is that? Lorelai Gilmore
: It's called "Vicious Trollop". Emily Gilmore
: Oh stop it. Lorelai Gilmore
: [holds up the lipstick tube for Emily's inspection
] Emily Gilmore
: Now why would you name a lipstick something like that? Lorelai Gilmore
: 'Cause "Dirty Whore" was taken? Emily Gilmore
: You frighten me. Lorelai Gilmore
: Wanna try some? Emily Gilmore
: No thank you! Lorelai Gilmore
: Come on, mom, try it. Emily Gilmore
: It won't look good on me. Lorelai Gilmore
: Sure it will! Emily Gilmore
: Well all right. But if I look ridiculous ... Lorelai Gilmore
: I'll be the first one to point it out.
] Lorelai Gilmore
: You're a Vicious Trollop, you're a Vicious Trollop... Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: Why can't we have what you and Rory have? Lorelai Gilmore
: Rory and I are different, mom. Emily Gilmore
: We're mother and daughter. You're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be different. Lorelai Gilmore
: It's completely different. It couldn't be more different. Emily Gilmore
: But why? Lorelai Gilmore
: I grew up in a different environment. Emily Gilmore
: You mean an oppressive environment. Lorelai Gilmore
: No, mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory. Emily Gilmore
: So because I waited until I was grown and married I can't have a relationship with my daughter? Lorelai Gilmore
: No. Emily Gilmore
: Well, then why? Lorelai Gilmore
: Rory and I are best friends, mom. We're best friends first and mother and daughter second. And you and I are mother and daughter always.
: Doesn't seem right to eat dinner when your feet aren't touching the floor.
: Hi, Dad. It's Lorelai. Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai? Lorelai Gilmore
: Mom? Richard Gilmore
: Emily? Emily Gilmore
: Richard? Lorelai Gilmore
: Rowan? Martin? Richard Gilmore
: Lorelai called me, Emily. Emily Gilmore
: She did? What for? Richard Gilmore
: I don't know, she hasn't told me yet. Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai, why did you call your father? Lorelai Gilmore
: Well I just wanted to know how he was doing. Richard Gilmore
: I'm doing fine. Lorelai Gilmore
: Very glad to hear that. Richard Gilmore
: All right. It's good of you to check in. Emily Gilmore
: Goodbye, Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: Whoa, guys, wait. Richard Gilmore
: Is there more? Lorelai Gilmore
: More than the nothing there just was? Yes, there's more.
: I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check. Richard Gilmore
: There wasn't? Lorelai Gilmore
: No, um, they sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for. Emily Gilmore
: By whom? Lorelai Gilmore
: By Christopher. Emily Gilmore
: Christopher who? Lorelai Gilmore
: Christopher Isherwood. That "cabaret" money was burning a hole in his pocket. You know what Christopher, Mom... His grandfather passed away recently and left him some money and he just wanted to do something for Rory. He's trying to be a dad for once. I thought it seemed like a good idea.
[Emily slams down the phone
] Lorelai Gilmore
: Hello? Guys, are you there? Richard Gilmore
] I'm here, Lorelai. Your mother had to go. Lorelai Gilmore
: Oh, Dad, please don't read too much into this. I mean, when was the last time Christopher wanted to do anything for Rory? He wants to contribute. This is a good thing... This is not a snub, dad, I swear. Rory and I are so grateful for everything you and mom have done, all the help you've given her. She would not be in Yale right now if it weren't for you and she would never have gone to Chilton. She would have graduated Stars Hollow High and then gone to community college and then beauty school. Richard Gilmore
: I have to go, Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: Dad! Richard Gilmore
: I appreciate the phone call. I simply wish it had come before I called every person in the bursar's office a moron. Lorelai Gilmore
: Well... if it will make you feel any better, odds are, at least two of them truly deserved it.
: Lorelai, when a woman has a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy!
: [Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk
] So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow. Emily Gilmore
: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai? Lorelai
: Ab fab, sweetie darling. Emily Gilmore
: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy? Gypsy
: Please make your mother stop talking to me. Lorelai
: If only I had that power.
[Emily is ranting in the foyer, to Lorelai, about Christopher after a Friday night dinner
: Sure is nice when it's not me. Alright, bye Mom. Have a nice trip. Emily
: Goodbye, Lorelai.
: Gerta, did I fire you? Gerta
: No. Emily
: [to herself
] Really? Everything's off tonight.
: Well, that was a complete waste of time. Lorelai Gilmore
: What are you talking about? Emily Gilmore
: I'm talking about Christopher and Carolyn leaving separately. Lorelai Gilmore
: Well, come on, Mom, what did you think, they were going to throw down and consummate it right in the foyer? Emily Gilmore
: No, I didn't think they were going to "throw down and consummate it" in the foyer, I just thought they could go out for some coffee. Lorelai Gilmore
: You served them coffee. Emily Gilmore
: So what? Lorelai Gilmore
: So you can't be shocked when you serve people three cups of coffee that they don't feel like going out for coffee. Not everyone's me.
: I want you to meet Marty. Lorelai
: Oh, naked guy. Marty
: You told your mother about me. Rory
: Um, yeah. Well, I included some anecdotes where you were actually clothed, too. Marty
: Oh, I appreciate that. Richard
: And who is this young man? Rory
: This is Marty. He lives in my residence hall. Emily
: It's very nice to meet you, Marty. Richard
: Why did my daughter just call you "naked guy"? Rory
: I now owe you money. Marty
: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway. Emily
: Oh my goodness. Richard
: Oh, please, that's nothing. I was naked an entire month my sophomore year. Rory
: What? Lorelai
: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I Never Needed to Know About My Father." Richard
: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies. Emily
: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend. Richard
: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
: It's time for a toast Lorelai
: Seriously? Richard
: Here we go... the Rory flask. Rory
: Oh. Richard
: And the fun flask. Emily
: Thank you. Richard
: Lorelai? Lorelai
: Fun flask, please!
: I mean, as far as perverted phone calls go, this is a very poor one.
: I just wanted to give you a heads up that I was thinking I might come to Friday night dinner.
] Lorelai Gilmore
: Mom, hello? Emily Gilmore
: When? Lorelai Gilmore
: Um, Friday night?
: So make sure they like the lemon candles and that the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. And you did a great job this weekend. Great job. Maid
: Thank you.
[Lorelai gets startled by her mother
: Ahh! My God! Emily Gilmore
: My, what a lovely greeting. Lorelai
: How long have you been sitting there? Emily Gilmore
: 20 minutes, why? Lorelai
: You scared me. Emily Gilmore
: Like I'm Dracula. Lorelai
: No, really you scared me. Oh, my God. My heart won't stop pounding. Emily Gilmore
: Stop being so dramatic. I just came in for lunch. It's not like I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that buttcrack-baring jeans have gone out of style.
: I am going to Europe, Richard. I'm going to Europe and I'm going to have a marvelous time! I'm going to get up at 10 and have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day! Richard
: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch! Emily
: Well then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business! Richard
: I can't talk to you when you're like this! I'm going to bed. Emily
: You go to bed, I'll go to France!
: [On the phone with her lawyer
] Tomorrow morning is completely unacceptable. It's unacceptable because I'm paying you three hundred dollars an hour. So turn that little near-luxury car around, go back to your office, and fax me that libelous scrap of paper. Lorelai
: Ask him if he can pick up some ice cream, too.
: Her lawyer knows we asked for this deposition. How do you think it's going to look when you refuse to testify for your own mother? Lorelai
: Like it's none of my business. Emily Gilmore
: Oh, and I'm sure the twelve rocket scientists they assemble as a jury of my peers will see it that way. Lorelai
: Honestly, Mom, I doubt they'll be able to find twelve people in the state of Connecticut who haven't been fired by you.
: It's a complete disaster! Lorelai
: My existence?
: So who else is joining us? Emily
: No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair. Richard
: We're saying it's Marjorie's husband's. Emily
: He's making the rounds, and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave. Richard
: Does everybody understand the story? Lorelai
: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor. Then Rory can dig a tunnel, and... Emily
: I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai. Rory
: Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.
: You took that girl and completely shut us out of your life. Lorelai
: You wanted to control me. Emily
: You were still a child. Lorelai
: I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink, okay? I had to figure out how to live. I found a good job. Emily
: As a maid. With all your brains and talent. Lorelai
: I worked my way up. I run the place now. I built a life on my own with no help from anyone. Emily
: Yes, and think of where you would have been if you'd accepted a little help, hmm? And where Rory would have been. But no, you were always too proud to accept anything from anyone. Lorelai
: Well, I wasn't too proud to come here to you two begging for money for my kid's school, was I? Emily
: No, you certainly weren't. But you're too proud to let her know where you got it from, aren't you? Well, fine, you have your precious pride and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win.
: Some overused sayings are true, like children should be seen and not heard. Lorelai Gilmore
: Mother knows best. Emily Gilmore
: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
: It's new. Lorelai Gilmore
: The purse? Emily Gilmore
: Yes, it's new, I'm trying to break it in. Lorelai Gilmore
: Sure, otherwise you'd get blisters.
: Wile E. Coyote used them, that's how common they were. Emily Gilmore
: Who? Lorelai Gilmore
: The cartoon, he was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head, or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil shaped impression on Wile E. Coyote's head. Emily Gilmore
: This is a cartoon? Lorelai Gilmore
: No, no, this just happened to me the other day, I was walking down the street and this giant anvil... yes, Mother, it's a cartoon!
[Richard collapsed at Christmas dinner due to angina, and is now trying to have a serious talk with her as he lays in the hospital
] Richard Gilmore
: Emily, listen to me: if I die-- Emily Gilmore
: No! Richard Gilmore
: Emily. Emily Gilmore
: Richard Gilmore, there may be many things happening in this hospital tonight, but your dying is not one of them. Richard Gilmore
: But-- Emily Gilmore
: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear? Richard Gilmore
] Yes, Emily. You may go first.
: You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day. Rory Gilmore
: And you're becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day.
: You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world. Rory Gilmore
: Hmm. Lorelai Gilmore
: I mean, think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word. Emily Gilmore
: Oh dear God. Lorelai Gilmore
: Poodle is another funny word. Emily Gilmore
: Please drink your drink, Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know, like, oy with the poodles already! Rory Gilmore
: Hehe. Lorelai Gilmore
: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase... Rory Gilmore
: Oy with the poodles already! Lorelai Gilmore
: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place. Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.
: They're at some restaurant in Times Square. He said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner, they didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night. Lorelai Gilmore
: Oh yeah, I heard the Disney company had them all killed.
: Why didn't she just say 'yes'? Lorelai Gilmore
: I think she's not sure if she wants to marry him, Mom. Emily Gilmore
: That's ridiculous! He's a Huntzberger! An offer like this doesn't come around every day. Lorelai Gilmore
: It's a marriage proposal, not a sale on linens!
: What do you think of the Romanovs? Luke
: They probably had it coming.
[to Rory, after an explosive family dinner between the Gilmores and the Haydens
] Emily Gilmore
: I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening. And I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear. You, young lady, your person and your existence, have never, ever been, not even for a second, included in that list.
: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week. Richard
: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account? Rory
: I'm good. Richard
: She's good, Emily. Emily
: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.
: My father? Emily Gilmore
: Yes, remember him? Tall, bowtie?
: Lorelai, you do not do this! You do not just leave a person a note!
[quoting the letter 16-year old pregnant Lorelai left for them
] Emily Gilmore
: "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai"! You do not leave your house when you're having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom, I'm having a baby, give me a ride to the damn hospital!"
: [to Luke
] My daughter and I aren't speaking. She won't take my calls. She won't come to dinner. She apparently wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure you know that Lorelai and I have had many battles, most of them have been because I feel I know what's best for her. But Lorelai has her own ideas about she thinks will make her happy. She wants you Luke. She's made her decision, God help her, but there it is. It doesn't matter if I agree with it, I can't fight it, you've won. Go back to her, I promise I will stay out of it.
: You were on the phone... Richard Gilmore
: Long distance. Lorelai Gilmore
: God? Richard Gilmore
: London. Lorelai Gilmore
: God lives in London? Richard Gilmore
: My mother lives in London. Lorelai Gilmore
: Your mother is God? Richard Gilmore
: Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: So God is a women. Richard Gilmore
: Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: And a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors. Richard Gilmore
: Make her stop. Rory
: Oh, that I could!
: We had such a trip. Rory will fill you in. Spare her the more salacious aspects. Lorelai Gilmore
: Salacious aspects? Emily Gilmore
: Those European men - young, old, in between - they saw us coming. Sookie St. James
: They saw you coming where? Emily Gilmore
: We were like magnets. Such high libidos. Lorelai Gilmore
: You weren't wearing your "hot and wealthy" sandwich board, were you, Mom?
[discussing Rory's behavior
: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties... Emily Gilmore
: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job. Richard
: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her! Emily Gilmore
: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
: I have the most exciting news. Lorelai
: You're canceling my wedding party? Emily Gilmore
: I got Randall Farber as your party planner. Lorelai
: And he's canceling my wedding party?
: [to Lorelai, after she badmouths the cotillion
] And how would you know?
] Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai never actually attended a cotillion. Lorelai Gilmore
: You don't have to jump off the Empire State Building to know it's gonna hurt.
: [talking to the maid
] Well, if you expect that muffin to fly back to the kitchen, you better go get it a cape.
: He's just become a pain in the you-know-what. Lorelai
: Nose? Ear? Emily
: Would it really please you to hear me say "ass"? Lorelai
: You know, I wasn't sure. But yes, it would!
: Now let's talk about your money. You were a two-bit gold-digger fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to chose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy you know. Well of course you know! That would explain why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every other month. But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities, no one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them... Now enjoy the event!
: A grandparent is a type of parent. Lorelai Gilmore
: No, it's not. Emily Gilmore
: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
: You are impossible to reach. Lorelai
: Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom. Emily
: I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you? Lorelai
: At a wake. Emily
: A what? Lorelai
: A wake... a funeral. Emily
: A funeral? Whose? Lorelai
: It was for the neighbors'...
[Rory tries signal Lorelai not to say it
: - cat.
[Emily is silent
: Mom? Emily
: Hold on. I'm looking up aneurysm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one. Lorelai
: I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.
: Come in, come in, come in. Lorelai
: Uh, no. Emily
: Why? Lorelai
: Cause you're scaring Rory.
: I wanted to talk to you. Lorelai
: Phone's out of order? Emily Gilmore
: Let's not play games here. Lorelai
: Games? Emily Gilmore
: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call. Lorelai
: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine. Emily Gilmore
: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.
: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable. Emily Gilmore
: Flying, thumping balls all over the place. Lorelai Gilmore
: Flying, thumping... what all over the place? Emily Gilmore
: Balls. Lorelai Gilmore
: Haha! Emily Gilmore
: You are four. Lorelai Gilmore
: Balls are funny.
: It's a panic room. Rory Gilmore
: Like Jodie Foster? Emily Gilmore
: What does Jodie Foster have to do with it?
: Your grandfather and I have a little surprise for you. Lorelai Gilmore
: Uh oh. Emily Gilmore
: What? Lorelai Gilmore
: Did you name another building after her? Emily Gilmore
: No. Lorelai Gilmore
: I know, I know. You bought Yale and named it Rory. From now on, the Ivy League is going to be Harvard, Princeton and Rory.
: [opening the fridge at Rory and Lorelai's house and finding it empty
] Oh my god, there's nothing in here. Rory Gilmore
: I know. It's a little sparse. Emily Gilmore
: It's the Grapes of Wrath. Rory Gilmore
: Don't worry, we eat fine. Emily Gilmore
: No food, no drink. Do you at least have plates? Rory Gilmore
: Yes, we have plates. Emily Gilmore
: [opening the plate cabinet
] There are women in bikins on them. Rory Gilmore
: The original Charlie's Angels. It took us years to get the complete set.
: Oh, I've always wanted to see the Atlantic City boardwalk. Emily Gilmore
: I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.