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: Hi, Dad. It's Lorelai. Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai? Lorelai Gilmore
: Mom? Richard Gilmore
: Emily? Emily Gilmore
: Richard? Lorelai Gilmore
: Rowan? Martin? Richard Gilmore
: Lorelai called me, Emily. Emily Gilmore
: She did? What for? Richard Gilmore
: I don't know, she hasn't told me yet. Emily Gilmore
: Lorelai, why did you call your father? Lorelai Gilmore
: Well I just wanted to know how he was doing. Richard Gilmore
: I'm doing fine. Lorelai Gilmore
: Very glad to hear that. Richard Gilmore
: All right. It's good of you to check in. Emily Gilmore
: Goodbye, Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: Whoa, guys, wait. Richard Gilmore
: Is there more? Lorelai Gilmore
: More than the nothing there just was? Yes, there's more.
: I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check. Richard Gilmore
: There wasn't? Lorelai Gilmore
: No, um, they sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for. Emily Gilmore
: By whom? Lorelai Gilmore
: By Christopher. Emily Gilmore
: Christopher who? Lorelai Gilmore
: Christopher Isherwood. That "cabaret" money was burning a hole in his pocket. You know what Christopher, Mom... His grandfather passed away recently and left him some money and he just wanted to do something for Rory. He's trying to be a dad for once. I thought it seemed like a good idea.
[Emily slams down the phone
] Lorelai Gilmore
: Hello? Guys, are you there? Richard Gilmore
] I'm here, Lorelai. Your mother had to go. Lorelai Gilmore
: Oh, Dad, please don't read too much into this. I mean, when was the last time Christopher wanted to do anything for Rory? He wants to contribute. This is a good thing... This is not a snub, dad, I swear. Rory and I are so grateful for everything you and mom have done, all the help you've given her. She would not be in Yale right now if it weren't for you and she would never have gone to Chilton. She would have graduated Stars Hollow High and then gone to community college and then beauty school. Richard Gilmore
: I have to go, Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: Dad! Richard Gilmore
: I appreciate the phone call. I simply wish it had come before I called every person in the bursar's office a moron. Lorelai Gilmore
: Well... if it will make you feel any better, odds are, at least two of them truly deserved it.
: [giving the toast at the reception
] Now, many of you know my daughter Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long - we couldn't keep a nanny for a week! Lorelai
: [to Luke
] Yeah, that was the terrible part of it. The searing pain was just a side note!
: Focus, please. Lorelai
: I am a camera.
: I want you to meet Marty. Lorelai
: Oh, naked guy. Marty
: You told your mother about me. Rory
: Um, yeah. Well, I included some anecdotes where you were actually clothed, too. Marty
: Oh, I appreciate that. Richard
: And who is this young man? Rory
: This is Marty. He lives in my residence hall. Emily
: It's very nice to meet you, Marty. Richard
: Why did my daughter just call you "naked guy"? Rory
: I now owe you money. Marty
: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway. Emily
: Oh my goodness. Richard
: Oh, please, that's nothing. I was naked an entire month my sophomore year. Rory
: What? Lorelai
: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I Never Needed to Know About My Father." Richard
: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies. Emily
: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend. Richard
: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
: It's time for a toast Lorelai
: Seriously? Richard
: Here we go... the Rory flask. Rory
: Oh. Richard
: And the fun flask. Emily
: Thank you. Richard
: Lorelai? Lorelai
: Fun flask, please!
: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her a sex mattress. Her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life. Lorelai
: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation. Richard
: I feel so much better now.
[discussing Rory's behavior
: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties... Emily Gilmore
: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job. Richard
: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her! Emily Gilmore
: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
: Who's going to help her get into Harvard? Lorelai Gilmore
: Reese Witherspoon.
: How tall are you? Dean
: Why? You wanna dance? Richard
: No, thank you... I appreciate the offer though.
: What was his body language like? Lorelai
: Well, he was breathing and standing. I think all signs point to alive!
: So who else is joining us? Emily
: No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair. Richard
: We're saying it's Marjorie's husband's. Emily
: He's making the rounds, and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave. Richard
: Does everybody understand the story? Lorelai
: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor. Then Rory can dig a tunnel, and... Emily
: I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai. Rory
: Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.
: [the Gilmores are discussing buildings that should have Rory's name on them
] The Rory Gilmore Medical Research Laboratory. Emily Gilmore
: No, that sounds like monkey testing. People won't pick it!
: Logan! Logan
: Huh? Richard!
[stands up to shake his hand
: Wow, this is a pleasant surprise! Finn, Colin, you know Richard, don't you? Richard
: [shakes thier hands
] Why, hello, boys. Nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident. Logan
: The... Richard
: I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory. Logan
] Wha-? Richard
: Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine, as is the Dean of admissions. Well, you know this place, news travels fast. Logan
: Yeah, look... Richard
: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Logan
: No, I know, I... Richard
: However, what's done is done. It's out. So I dropped by to tell you that I have spoken to your father. Logan
: My father? Richard
: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing. Logan
: Okay, I think that there's been... Richard
: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock
: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of. Logan
: But... Richard
: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.
[Richard turns and thumbs his nose in Rory's direction, who has watched the entire scene. She and Richard meet in the hall, laughing
: I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it. Rory
: You're the best, Grandpa! Richard
: All right, who's next? Paris giving you any trouble? Rory
: Not anymore than usual.
[They walk down the hall together
: However, there is a girl in my modern poetry class who keeps kicking my chair. Richard
: Ah, I do love this place. Rory
: Right back at you, Grandpa.
: Well, the girls don't know the big news about Jason and me. Lorelai Gilmore
: You're pregnant? Richard Gilmore
: We're acquiring another company. Lorelai Gilmore
: I was close.
[Richard collapsed at Christmas dinner due to angina, and is now trying to have a serious talk with her as he lays in the hospital
] Richard Gilmore
: Emily, listen to me: if I die-- Emily Gilmore
: No! Richard Gilmore
: Emily. Emily Gilmore
: Richard Gilmore, there may be many things happening in this hospital tonight, but your dying is not one of them. Richard Gilmore
: But-- Emily Gilmore
: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear? Richard Gilmore
] Yes, Emily. You may go first.
: His name is Robert. Lorelai Gilmore
: I thought every butler's name was Jeeves. Richard Gilmore
: He's not a butler. He's a valet. Lorelai Gilmore
: So he parks your car? Richard Gilmore
: No, he does not park my car. He does exactly what you see him doing.
[RObert is currently making drinks
] Lorelai Gilmore
: So he is a bartender. Richard Gilmore
: He attends to my needs. Lorelai Gilmore
: So he's a geisha. Richard Gilmore
: You'll be quieter once you have a drink, I assume.
: I am going to Europe, Richard. I'm going to Europe and I'm going to have a marvelous time! I'm going to get up at 10 and have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day! Richard
: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch! Emily
: Well then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business! Richard
: I can't talk to you when you're like this! I'm going to bed. Emily
: You go to bed, I'll go to France!
: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent. Christopher Hayden
: Hey, I play guitar. Lorelai
: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water." Christopher Hayden
: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash." Richard Gilmore
: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini
] Richard Gilmore
: Something wrong? Lorelai
: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth. Richard Gilmore
: And why not? Lorelai
: Chuck Berry? Richard Gilmore
: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week. Richard
: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account? Rory
: I'm good. Richard
: She's good, Emily. Emily
: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.
: You were on the phone... Richard Gilmore
: Long distance. Lorelai Gilmore
: God? Richard Gilmore
: London. Lorelai Gilmore
: God lives in London? Richard Gilmore
: My mother lives in London. Lorelai Gilmore
: Your mother is God? Richard Gilmore
: Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: So God is a women. Richard Gilmore
: Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore
: And a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors. Richard Gilmore
: Make her stop. Rory
: Oh, that I could!
: Oh, Rory who's your friend? Rory
: I don't know, but this is Tristan.
: Lorelai, have you been there the whole time? Lorelai
: Yes. Richard Gilmore
: I didn't see you. Lorelai
: Well, I've got my cloaking device activated so...
: Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? Rory Gilmore
: Yes. Richard Gilmore
: Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable. Emily Gilmore
: Flying, thumping balls all over the place. Lorelai Gilmore
: Flying, thumping... what all over the place? Emily Gilmore
: Balls. Lorelai Gilmore
: Haha! Emily Gilmore
: You are four. Lorelai Gilmore
: Balls are funny.