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: Excuse me for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!
Man on LOUDSPEAKER
: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level. Paris
: Oh, real food. Thank God. Rory
: Um... Paris.
: [Rory and Paris are running inside to get out of the pouring rain
] Out of the way! Move, move, move! Girl in the dorm
: Is it raining? Paris
: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot!
: Rory will you just wait. How was I? Rory
: What? Paris
: As a kisser, how was I? Rory
] Oh, man! Paris
: Well, I always wanted to know. You can't really ask a guy that because it's a sign of low self-esteem which I read in a magazine is really not sexy. So, be honest. How was I when I kissed you? Was I too stiff? Too forceful? Do I need to relax my lips a little, maybe open my mouth a little more? Make it more inviting? Rory
: I need some fresh air.
: I'm so cold. What I would do to stay warm. Paris
: It's warm in Florida. Rory
: What? Paris
: Nothing. Rory
: No, did you say Florida? Paris
: No. Err... yes. Rory
: Are you serious? Paris
: Maybe. Rory
: But it's Spring Break. Paris
: I know. Rory
: It's Girls Gone Wild, and Boys Doin' the Twist. We're not Spring Break people, are we? Paris
: I don't know what we are. But the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken college bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys is a great payoff for staying warm. Rory
: I am not your mother or your hugger.
: If you need some love, get a hooker.
: [Their apartment is full of flowers
] Oh, terrific. Bring 'em on in, Algernon. The more, the merrier. Rory Gilmore
: It's Logan's doing. What can I do? Paris Geller
: Tell him to stop. Rory Gilmore
: We're not speaking, remember? Paris Geller
: Well, they're putting our lives in jeopardy. Rory Gilmore
: Oh, stop it. Paris Geller
: They scream bling, draw eyes to the apartment. Bad guys see roses, then they come for our diamonds. Rory Gilmore
: We don't have diamonds. Paris Geller
: The Doo-Wop group doesn't know that.
[as Rory is about to put the vase near the window
] Paris Geller
: Yeah, by the window is good, next to the neon sign that says "come pistol-whip us".
: Hey. You check in? Rory Gilmore
: Check in? Paris Geller
: The board. The new system? This is the best way for me to know where anyone is at any given time. All the names are on the left. Each coloured magnet represents an activity. If you're out on assignment, it's a red magnet. If you're in the john, it's a blue magnet. If you're at home, a purple magnet. If you're at your desk, it's a green magnet. Rory Gilmore
: But if they're at their desk, you can just glance over and see that they're at their desks. Paris Geller
: But I'd have to glance all around. This saves extraneous glancing. Look, it's not really for people like you. I know you're dedicated. I trust you, but I can't appear to be playing favourites. Rory Gilmore
: I have a class. Paris Geller
: Orange magnet.
: I slept with Jamie. Last night, after we talked. Rory Gilmore
: Was it something I said? Paris Geller
: I went over there to study, and he lit a fire, and then we did it. What are your thoughts on that? Rory Gilmore
: My thoughts? Paris Geller
: Because I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it myself yet.
[Rory gets up for a drink of water; Paris follows
] Paris Geller
: I've been going over it in my head; I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice, and thank god he didn't try to put on any ridiculous make-out music, and - then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it, because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring; and in the moments just before the act... Rory Gilmore
] Oh god! Paris Geller
: ...we were actually discussing modern-day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a "come and get it" sort of conversation, but nevertheless he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So I thought maybe, if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now; so, come on, talk! What do you think?
: I'm not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard.
: Well, all I've gotta say is, after all the trouble this sex thing has caused me, I better have been good.
[Paris talking to a woman who signed her daughter up for Paris' SAT prep class
: She's got a C average which means she's either lazy or stupid. I can work with either. Frankly sometimes stupid is easier. I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep.
: I don't particularly like to take on such meek, diffident cases. Do you even know what diffident means?
[Caitlyn shakes her head
: That's OK. That knowledge isn't really required for the retail doughnut distribution industry.
: [to Caitlyn's mother
] Do you want your kid to spend the rest of her life behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts? Do you?
[Caitlin's mother says "No"
: Because that's where she's headed - selling chocolate doughnuts and glazed fritters for 40 years to people in business suits who actually gave a crap about their academic future.
: You're 18 grandpa, sleep when you're dead.
: [refering to the twins
] Yo, Pim and Bim, up. Out! Rory Gilmore
: Sorry. She's my roomate. Call me.
: I need the exact time of today's sunset. Rory Gilmore
: I'm in the middle of an article. Paris Geller
: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be. Rory Gilmore
: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31. Paris Geller
: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31. Rory Gilmore
: Paris. Paris Geller
: What? Rory Gilmore
: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan. Paris Geller
: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the AP wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum? Rory Gilmore
: What? Yes, why? Paris Geller
: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it *at* me. Rory Gilmore
: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy?
: People came to America to escape religious persecution. Marty
: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?
: [on discussing the 75th issue of The Franklin
] But you guys already have some decent stuff planned out, right? Paris
: Madeline - or may I call you Spicoli? Madline
: If you have to.
[Paris wants to spend Saturday working on the newspaper
] Paris Geller
: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history? Madeline Lynn
: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin. Paris Geller
: So? Madeline Lynn
: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it. Louise Grant
: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar. Paris Geller
: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue. Madeline Lynn
: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did. Paris Geller
] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily
] Paris Geller
: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"
: Well, well, if it isn't New Haven's favorite whorehound. Logan
: Is Rory here? Paris
: Yes. Logan
: Can I talk to her? Paris
: No. You can talk to me.
: What do you want to talk about? Life? Love? Common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases?
: I know you cheated on Rory. Logan
: I did not cheat on Rory. Paris
: Are you going to deny it? Are you serious? Logan
: We were apart! Paris
: Oh please! Logan
: We were! We weren't together! And why the hell am I arguing with you? I don't want you back! Paris
: You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general! If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!
: [in government class at Chilton
] Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldn't allow divorce. Paris
: He also cut off his wife's head. Is he still your role model?
: Paris, what are these cards that fell out of your jacket? Paris
: Oh, yeah. Those are notes for tonight. Rory
: Notes? Paris
: Yeah, just some reference points, really. You know, subjects to bring up in case the conversation lags. Rory
: Well, can I suggest that you leave this one about the Spanish Inquisition out? Paris
: Not very romantic? Rory
: Not really.
: What do I do? Rory Gilmore
: You'll just have to do what everyone else who needs money has to do. Paris Geller
: What's that? Rory Gilmore
: What people do. Paris Geller
: What am I, a mindreader? Rory Gilmore
: Get a job. Paris Geller
: A job. I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly-squat when I'm in line with eleven thousand people vying for an opening in the gardening department at Walmart.
: Attica! Attica!
: That was really distracting. Paris Geller
: Oh. Well, by all means, Madeline, you should point out to the faculty that their annoying custom of teaching is distracting you from more important things like nail filing and daydreaming about marrying Ryan Phillippe. Louise Grant
: Uh, he's already married. Paris Geller
: Then whatever strawhead actor isn't. Madeline Lynn
: This was bad. For the last five minutes, every single thing she said sounded dirty. Louise Grant
: Yeah, same here. Paris Geller
: Good God. Madeline Lynn
: I mean, reticulum? Come on. Louise Grant
: Plus, the golgi body. I mean, is it me or is that majorly pornographic? Paris Geller
: My life with the Banger sisters.
: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie. Rory
: How so? Paris Geller
: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving - you'd think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers. Madeline Lynn
: Bummer. Paris Geller
: I'm on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn't look good. Rory
: I've never heard of too many volunteers. Paris Geller
: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don't get a thing. Talk about selfish.
: I'm not allowed to have Mac&Cheese. Rory
: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay. Paris
: Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something? Rory
: Believe it or not, we do. Paris
: Okay. Can I borrow your phone? Rory
: It's by the door.
[Paris leaves the room to call her nanny
: Interesting. Rory
: What is? Jess
: You think we need a chaperon. Rory
: No, I don't. Jess
: You just invited one. Rory
: Just being polite. Paris is alone tonight and you yourself just said we have enough good for six. Jess
: With me, it's down to four Rory
: With Paris around it's down to two. Jess
: Works out well. Rory
: I think so. Paris
: [Talks to her nanny excitedly about Mac&Cheese
: A tragic waste of paper. Jess
: I can't *believe* you just said that. Paris
: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit. Jess
: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up. Paris
: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime. Rory
: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about? Rory
: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's. Jess
: You're cracked. Paris
: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin. Jess
: Hey, I've read Jane Austin Paris
: You have? Jess
: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski. Paris
: What are you doing? Jess
: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry. Paris
: Really? Rory
: It's fast food gospel. Paris
: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it
: Do you like Hot sauce? Paris
: I don't know, should I? Jess
: I think it's wise.
: Um, where are we going to put the couch? Paris Geller
: Why don't you just...
[Tana gets scared
: Paris! Paris Geller
: What? Terrence
: Three steps forward, two steps back. Paris Geller
: But she was baiting me. Terrence
: Fish can choose not to bite. Paris Geller
: [calmly, to Tana
] We'll figure it out.
: So, do you like your adoptive parents? Tana Schrick
: Yeah. Paris Geller
: I think it's good to be adopted. If you get sick of them, you just dump this set and go find the originals.
: I wish I knew if he was right for me. You know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing? I mean women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie. Rory Gilmore
: I think you should wear your hair down.
: [talking in her sleep
] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
: Let's not make each other feel bad. Paris Geller
: Hey, hug a dolphin another day alright?
: [Rory and Paris walk into the common room
] Fun stuff, huh, guys? Janet Billings
: Yeah, it's ridiculous. Tana Schrick
: I may have been here when it happened. Janet Billings
: And you heard nothing? Tana Schrick
: No. Paris
: Way to have that radar up. Rory
: Let's not make each other feel bad. Paris
: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.
: Our pictures have sucked eggs lately, and so I sent out two photographers to cover the same story. They each came back with about 40 of the crappiest pictures ever to have been committed to film, completely unusable. Rory Gilmore
: It was supposed to be a picture of a football game. Paris Geller
: I know. Rory Gilmore
: Well, was there one with a guy in a helmet holding a football? Because that's really all you need. Paris Geller
: They were predictable and standard. Rory Gilmore
: Guy in helmet holding ball. Paris Geller
: Cover of the Harvard Crimson, after the big game, guy with helmet holding ball. Stanford game, guy in helmet holding ball. I wanted something more, okay, something that really said something about the game. Rory Gilmore
: Like "we forgot to go"?
: I did tell my mother about having sex with Jamie and her only reaction was to talk about how my father hasn't pleased her in 15 years. Rory Gilmore
: Yikes! Paris Geller
: Like I couldn't tell.
: Kirk? Turn off the TV and come have your breakfast. Kirk
: In a minute. Lorelai Gilmore
: Now. Paris Geller
: How old is he? Rory Gilmore
: You'd have to cut him open and count the rings.
: Sick people freak me out. Doyle
: You're pre-med!
: Aren't you worried that one night you're going to sleepwalk right into that pool and drown? Rory Gilmore
: I am *now*.
: Hey, hey, you got into Stanford!
[Doyle and Rory start cheering
: Okay, enough of the hysterics. I have a big decision to make ,and all of this hooting and hollering is not exactly helping matters!
: Heart attack
: Um, it wasn't during... , um, was it ? Paris Geller
: No, Rory, this great man was not brought down by my vagina. Okay.
: This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her. Paris
: Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here. Rory
: Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine. Paris
: Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.
: You don't need this. You're going to be a doctor! Paris Geller
: Surgeon. Rory
: And a lawyer. Paris Geller
: So I told her, "Look missy - " Rory
: You called your advisor "Missy"? Paris
: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and HenX-Mozilla-Status: 8000 X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 neman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgement about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
: It's going to be a great term, people. An important term. A term to change the history of the Yale Daily News. The work will be hard. It has to be hard. Nothing less than perfect will be tolerated. Please remember that I am your editor. I am not your mother, or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or way to deal. My door is not open to you, ever. You have five minutes to enjoy your cookies. Welcome to the Yale Daily News.
: Logan and I broke up, too. Today. I'm moving out. Paris Geller
: How come? Rory Gilmore
: He cheated on me... with an entire wedding party.
: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes! Louise Grant
: Vintage, dear. Paris Geller
: Filthy, darling.
[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment
: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there? Jess
: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now. Luke
: Do not add to this insanity. Jess
: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this. Luke
: Jess, Jess
: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
: Have you looked over the votes for commencement speaker? Rory Gilmore
: Yeah. Paris Geller
: Are the ones for Princess Diana's butler jokes or real? Rory Gilmore
: I'd say jokes. Paris Geller
: What about the ones for Dr. Phil? Rory Gilmore
: I think real.
: Well, you're awake now. Can I ask you a question? Paris Geller
: Bite me. Rory
: Were there any messages for me? Paris Geller
: Yes. Four other people called and asked that you bite me.