Jess Mariano
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Quotes for
Jess Mariano (Character)
from "Gilmore Girls" (2000)

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"Gilmore Girls: Let the Games Begin (#3.8)" (2002)
Jess: Hey, Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage.

Jess: Hi.
Rory Gilmore: Hey.
Jess: Hi.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hi.
Jess: Hi.
Luke Danes: Hi.
Rory Gilmore: I have to get to school.
Jess: Yeah, me too.
Rory Gilmore: Bye.
Jess: Bye. Bye.
Lorelai Gilmore: Bye.
Rory Gilmore: Bye.
Lorelai Gilmore: Bye.
Rory Gilmore: Bye.
Luke Danes: Bye.
[Jess and Rory leave]
Luke Danes: What the hell was that?
Lorelai Gilmore: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".

Jess: Sure you don't want a soda?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, I'm sure.
[awkward pause]
Jess: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
Rory Gilmore: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.

[talking about Jess' relationship with Rory]
Jess: May I speak?
Luke: If you must.
Jess: Would you like me to have you committed, or would you rather check yourself in?

"Gilmore Girls: Here Comes the Son (#3.21)" (2003)
Jess Mariano: Is Jimmy here?
Sasha: Who are you?
Jess Mariano: Jess
Sasha: Jess who?
Jess Mariano: ...Look, I just need to see Jimmy.
Sasha: Hey, have you ever seen 'The Wizard of Oz'?
Jess Mariano: Yeah...
Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?
Jess Mariano: Yeah...
Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
Jess Mariano: ...I'm his son.
Sasha: ...Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!

Jimmy: When you left home, were the cops after you?
Jess: No.
Jimmy: No cause they shouldn't be, or no cause they haven't found the head yet?

Jimmy: So, first time on the West Coast?
Jess: First time on the West Coast.
Jimmy: Okay! The sights!
Jimmy: Ocean.
Jess: I wondered what that was.
Jimmy: Sand.
Jess: Keeps the ocean in its place.
Jimmy: Sky.
Jess: We've got one of those back East.

Jimmy: I can't take you in, I can't raise you.
Jess: Raise me? I'm 18, I'm raised! I can vote, I can be drafted, it's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party!
Jimmy: I thought you didn't come here to bust my balls!
Jess: I didn't.
Jimmy: Well then put the bat down!
Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.
Jess: Well the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Jimmy: Don't say that, you're young, you can do anything you want.
Jess: A month, just let me stay a month!
Jimmy: Are you listening? I have nothing to offer you, nothing!
Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go! I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow, my mother's a wack job! I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what- you don't want to take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!

"Gilmore Girls: There's the Rub (#2.16)" (2002)
Jess: ...Okay well give him my best, would you?
Jess: Actually, I guess I could do that myself.
Rory: Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.
Jess: From Luke's.
Rory: He wanted to make sure I ate.
Jess: Luke did.
Rory: Right, Luke did.
Jess: Personally, I could care less if she eats.
Rory: Yeah true, He could care less.
Jess: I see you brought a little something, too. Is that ice cream? That's so nice. A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey are you guys gonna feed each other? 'cause that's just so darn cute.
Jess: Oops, you're doing that towering over-me-thing. huh. I tell you, you've really got that down. It helps that your 12 feet tall. But this whole Frankenstein scowl thing really adds to the whole...
Rory: Jess!
Jess: Okay, I'm going.
Jess: Look man, I really was just dropping off some food, so don't go all West Side Story on me, okay?
Rory: So do you want to
[Dean heads inside]
Rory: come in?

Jess: Delivery.
Rory: What are you doing here?
Jess: Well, Luke figured since you're alone tonight, thought maybe you wouldn't have any food in the house. So he sent over a care package.
Rory: I don't need a care package. I ordered food from Sandeep's.
Jess: Really? Planning on burning down the house afterwards?
Rory: Jess...
Jess: The only way to kill the smell. Where should I put this? Kitchen?
Rory: Um, sure.
Rory: [cut to kitchen] God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve!
Jess: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
Rory: Fine, six.

Paris: I'm not allowed to have Mac&Cheese.
Rory: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.
Paris: Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?
Rory: Believe it or not, we do.
Paris: Okay. Can I borrow your phone?
Rory: It's by the door.
[Paris leaves the room to call her nanny]
Jess: Interesting.
Rory: What is?
Jess: You think we need a chaperon.
Rory: No, I don't.
Jess: You just invited one.
Rory: Just being polite. Paris is alone tonight and you yourself just said we have enough good for six.
Jess: With me, it's down to four
Rory: With Paris around it's down to two.
Jess: Works out well.
Rory: I think so.
Paris: [Talks to her nanny excitedly about Mac&Cheese]

Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't *believe* you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.

"Gilmore Girls: Nick & Nora/Sid & Nancy (#2.5)" (2001)
Luke: I'm trying to help you.
Jess: Well, stop trying! Stop talking to me, stop following me, stop asking me questions! Just stop!

Lorelai: Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess.
Sookie: Do you eat cheese?
Jess: What?

Lorelai: Wow, Wow, there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well now, that's not very neighborly.

Luke: She said to tell you that your stuff will be here on Friday.
Jess: Great. We'll have a party.

"Gilmore Girls: Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospel (#4.13)" (2004)
Jess: [Jess gets in his car, finds an envelope with money, and gets out of the car. He stops when he sees Rory standing in line for burgers. They stare at each other for a few seconds]
Rory: I get to leave first!
Rory: [Rory starts running away]
Jess: Rory, wait! Stop!
[He runs after her]
Rory: No, you don't get to walk away!
Jess: Hold on!
Rory: My town! I leave!
Jess: I just wanna - where are you going?
Rory: None of your business!
Jess: We look like idiots.
Rory: I don't care!
Jess: Stop running!
Rory: Stop following!
Jess: Oh, come on!
Rory: Go away, I'm leaving!
Jess: Rory, stop!
Rory: Why?
Jess: Because I wanna talk to you.
Rory: About what? What do you want to talk to me about?
Jess: When did you learn to run like that?
Rory: You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me if I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go.
Jess: Could we sit down?
Rory: No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?
Jess: [Jess pauses a second]
Jess: I love you.
[Rory stares after him as Jess walks away, gets into his car and drives away]

Jess: Could we sit down?
Rory: No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?
Jess: I love you.

Luke: If I could pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would be... his cab driver.
Jess: I don't know, he had a certain something.
Luke: Yeah, lack of chromosomes.
Jess: That sounds right.
Luke: So what do we do?
Jess: About what?
Luke: About that, them, him.
Jess: Nothing.
Luke: Where are you going?
Jess: To check on my car.
Luke: Jess, don't you think we should discuss this?
Jess: Discuss what?
Luke: TJ!
Jess: I thought we just did.
Luke: Yeah, but we didn't come up with a solution.
Jess: A solution to what?
Luke: Are we having the same conversation? A solution to him!
Jess: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.
Luke: Jess, we have to do something about this.
Jess: Like what?
Luke: I don't know, we have to say something!
Jess: Like what?
Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!

"Gilmore Girls: Keg! Max! (#3.19)" (2003)
Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.

Jess Mariano: What's up with you guys?
Kyle: Stupid keg.
Marshall: It's not working.
Jess Mariano: Where's the tap?
Kyle: The what?
Jess Mariano: It's a keg. It's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.
Kyle: Told you the thing in the bag did something.
Rick Bloomenfeld: ...No instructions.
Jess Mariano: Geez.

"Gilmore Girls: Let Me Hear Your Balalaikas Ringing Out (#6.8)" (2005)
Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.

Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?

"Gilmore Girls: One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes (#3.4)" (2002)
Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?

Jess: Women, right? Can't live with them and you can't keep them from jumping in the closet.

"Gilmore Girls: Teach Me Tonight (#2.19)" (2002)
Jess Mariano: Ok, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you'd go on this ice cream run with me.
Rory Gilmore: Yes, you did.
Jess Mariano: Ok, so I could just go straight and we'll be back at Luke's.
Rory Gilmore: Good sense of direction.
Jess Mariano: Of course, I could turn right and then we'd just be driving around in circles for a while.
Rory Gilmore: Turn right.
Jess Mariano: As you wish.

[studying in Luke's]
Jess: [looks out the window] Is that your car?
Rory: Yes.
Jess: [sits down next to her] Okay, how about we go get ice-cream and when we come back, I'll study.
Rory: But this is a diner, there's ice-cream here.
Jess: Yes, but we don't have cones.
Rory: Cones?
Jess: I need cones.
Rory: So if we go get ice-cream...
Jess: [interrupts] In cones.
Rory: In cones, you will study?
Jess: Yup.

"Gilmore Girls: The Ins and Outs of Inns (#2.8)" (2001)
Lorelai: How are you Jess?
Jess: Well I'm not bleeding or anything.
Lorelai: So it's gonna be a good day.

"Gilmore Girls: Swan Song (#3.14)" (2003)
Luke: Where'd you get the black eye?
Jess Mariano: You wouldn't believe it.
Luke: Try me, tough guy.
Jess Mariano: A swan.
Luke: Excuse me?
Jess Mariano: I was attacked by a swan. Okay, you happy? A stupid swan.
Luke: -laughs- Now, how about the real story?
Jess Mariano: That is the real story. It hangs out by Larson's dock. I was just walking by, and the thing came out of nowhere and beaked me right in the eye.
Luke: It "beaked" you.
Jess Mariano: You still don't believe me.
Luke: I've just never heard the word "beaked" used as a verb before.

"Gilmore Girls: Happy Birthday, Baby (#3.18)" (2003)
Jess: I got the video for tonight.
Rory: What did you get?
Jess: Almost Famous.
Rory: No, not again!
Jess: I can't help it, I'm addicted!
Rory: Fine, but if I'm going to spend two hours sitting there watching Kate Hudson commit suicide again, then we are ordering Indian food.
Jess: Oh, come on!
Rory: Hey, last night when we watched Ed Wood, we got burgers like you wanted to.
Jess: Okay fine, tonight Indian food, but tomorrow Saturday Night Fever and Thai food.
Lane: That's so cute, you're like a really sweet old agoraphobic couple!
Jess: Thank you very much.

"Gilmore Girls: Say Goodnight, Gracie (#3.20)" (2003)
Jess: I need ham.
Ceaser: No ham.
Jess: We got a shipment of ham yesterday!
Ceaser: No ham.
Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!

"Gilmore Girls: The Real Paul Anka (#6.18)" (2006)
Luke Danes: First things first: What the hell is that?
Jess Mariano: It's an abstract painting.
Luke Danes: But what is it supposed to be?
Jess Mariano: Check the title.
Luke Danes: I did, it's called "Untitled".
Jess Mariano: There you go.
Luke Danes: I give up.

"Gilmore Girls: A Family Matter (#4.12)" (2004)
Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!

"Gilmore Girls: Dead Uncles and Vegetables (#2.17)" (2002)
Jess Mariano: I'll be down in a minute.
Rory Gilmore: No, now.
Jess Mariano: I'm in the middle of something!
Rory Gilmore: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.
Jess Mariano: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.

"Gilmore Girls: They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They? (#3.7)" (2002)
Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"

"Gilmore Girls: A-Tisket, A-Tasket (#2.13)" (2002)
Jess Mariano: You know, I like this place.
Rory Gilmore: Wow, a place in Stars Hollow you actually like.
Jess Mariano: You see that spot over there?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah.
Jess Mariano: That's where Luke pushed me in.
Rory Gilmore: Pff.
Jess Mariano: Are you mad or something?
Rory Gilmore: I just don't want to be in a fight with Dean.
Jess Mariano: I'm sorry about that. Do you want to push me in a lake?
Rory Gilmore: Maybe later.

"Gilmore Girls: A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving (#3.9)" (2002)
Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.

"Gilmore Girls: Richard in Stars Hollow (#2.12)" (2002)
[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.