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Quotes for
Bob Rooney (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

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"Married with Children: No Ma'am (#8.9)" (1993)
Al: ...where bucks are enough to see their stuff
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Jefferson: ...where the breast may be fake, but man do they shake
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Bob Rooney: ...where you swear like a sailor, and wish you can nail her
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Al: ...where the cops are at the door and there's a Kennedy on the floor
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]

Al: Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.
[the men agree]
Bob Rooney: We've been called pigs.
Pete: We've been called scum.
Jefferson: We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Or at least I have.
Al: But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and perform television's first sexorcism.
[the men in the audience cheered as a tied up and gagged, Jerry Springer looks shocked and tries to move his chair away]
Al: Tell them what thist is Jefferson.
Jefferson: [removes mask] My name's Hank.
Al: Right. Sorry Hank
Jefferson: That's ok Al.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.
[Jim reveals a stinky yellow under shrit and Pete shows a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."]
Jefferson: A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."
[the men cheered as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]
Jefferson: It's All Me boxers are coutesy of Bob Rooney.
[Bob corrects him]
Jefferson: I mean Dirk Rooney. Back to you A, Clyde. The hell.
Al: Demand one, you gals want a ladies night, try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man.
Al: [the men cheered and Jerry rolls his eyes] Demand two, don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.
[cheering]
Al: Demand three, don't ask us to talk or cuddle after sex, or before sex or during sex. You're lucky we take our pants off.
Bob Rooney: You take your pants off, how you get them over your shoes.
Jefferson: Demand four, don't ask us to say "I love you" over the phone. It's hard enough to say it to someone we're paying a minute to talk to.
Pete: Demand five, Stop talking about Fabio.
Al: Anyway those are our fve demands. We had five more, but someone couldn't blow his nose without a hankey.

Bob Rooney: Hey, we can always go to a news stand and buy a Big 'Uns magazine.
Al: But where would we hide it?
Roger: How about in your wife's hair?
Al: How about in your wife's chins?


"Married with Children: And Bingo Was Her Game-O (#9.22)" (1995)
Jefferson: Al, when are we going to stop sipping this beer and start drinking it?
Griff: Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty.
Ike: What's foreplay?
Bob Rooney: It's the act that comes right before sex. It lasts... about ten seconds.
Ike: Well then what's sex?

Jefferson: Okay, our next beer is a fine Afghani ale, whose Pashtu name loosely translated means, "yellow mountain run-off".
Bob Rooney: [a jingling sound is heard from inside the beer cans] Oh, hey listen. There's a prize in every can.
Griff: I'd be careful about that prize stuff. Remember what fell out of that can of Russian Chernobyl beer?
Ike: What? That was an olive, right?
Al Bundy: Sure, with an eyelid.

Bob Rooney: [drunk] Al... I don't want to box anymore. Let's dance!
Al Bundy: [more drunk] When you were dancing, you wanted to box.
Bob Rooney: Yeah... but, when I was dancing, I didn't get to lead.


"Married with Children: How Bleen Was My Kelly (#10.5)" (1995)
Bob Rooney: Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen group with the horrible urge to do the girlfriend thing with the wife?
Ike: The other day, I carried my wife across the threshold. I told her I loved her. I even had foreplay.
Griff: Hey, so what? Last night I pleasured my ex-wife... and payed her back alimony!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, well that's nothing. Last night while I was making love to Marcy, I was fantasizing about... Marcy.

Al Bundy: Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma. By marketing Bleen, we will make millions. Well... I will. But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on, bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Then it's settled. We can't sell Bleen otherwise we'll be hated across the world as much as that guy who discovered the G-spot.
Bob Rooney: Hey, who was that guy anyway?
Ike: I don't know. Kenny G?


"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad: Part 1 (#9.12)" (1994)
Al: Psycho Dad has been canceled. You know who's responsible?
Bob Rooney: Women?
Al: No. Marcy D'Arcy, Chicken at Large.

Psycho Dad: [Reading Al's letter] "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"
Jefferson: Barbara Eden?
Bob Rooney: She's 1,000.
Al: I didn't mean now.


"Married with Children: Reverend Al (#10.4)" (1995)
Sticky: Hey hey, we could buy real beer.
Griff: And maybe some ale.
Bob Rooney: Ale sucks.
Griff: Suck this.
[They fight]

Bob Rooney: I'll get leopard skin seat covers to match my underwear.
Ike: I guess I won't be getting seat covers.


"Married with Children: A Man for No Seasons (#9.11)" (1994)
Al: We've got to do something about this baseball strike. It's affecting the way we live! We're spending more time with our wives then watching baseball.
Bob Rooney: Yeah. Last week, I had to take my wife to the beauty parlor!
Ike: I had to take my wife to the opera!
Al: I had to TAKE my wife!

Sticky: Al, do you think this is right to subject Griff to this for his acceptance into NO MA'AM?
Bob Rooney: Yeah, the human mind is only made of flesh and bone.
Al: NO MA'AM isn't California. You can't just walk in.


"Married with Children: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked (#9.14)" (1995)
Al Bundy: Here's the plan. We are only going to take our wives there on Thursdays.
Charlie: But Al, Thursday night is our bowling night.
Al Bundy: That's right. And why do we always go bowling on Thursday night? Because at the Jiggly Room, Thursday night is always...
Bob Rooney: A-cup night!
Jefferson D'Arcy: There's not a single Dr. Yummy in the whole house!
Al Bundy: Hence, we won't get excited.
Bob Rooney: But what if we do?
Al Bundy: Well, try to imagine Jefferson's wife up on stage with no clothes on.
Bob Rooney: What if that doesn't work?
Al Bundy: Then try to imagine Jefferson himself up on stage with no clothes on.
Ike: What if that doesn't work?
[everyone stares oddly at Ike]
Al Bundy: Then you're out of the club.


"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad: Second Blood: Part 2 (#9.13)" (1994)
Ike: I don't mean to rain on anybody's parade, but what makes you think we can get into congress without any credentials?
Bob Rooney: Sonny Bono did.


"Married with Children: I Can't Believe It's Butter (#10.14)" (1995)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?
Al Bundy: Great idea. To the nudie bar.
Bob Rooney: Where Christmas is nice...
Al Bundy: And lap dances are half-price.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Ike: Where you drink down the shooters...
Officer Dan: And unwrap the hooters.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Where eggnog's a plenty...
Griff: And the girls are all 20.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!


"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
Al Bundy: Jefferson, we are all taking you out today to celebrate your wedding anniversary since you don't work.
Jefferson D'Arcy: So, how come you guys are not at work?
Al Bundy, Griff, Bob Rooney, Ike: We're sick.
Officer Dan: Except for me. I'm working.
Police Dispatcher: All units, all units, report to city hall. The mayor has been taken hostage by a group of...
Officer Dan: [turns off his radio] Blah, blah, blah, shut up!


"Married with Children: The Legend of Ironhead Haynes (#8.23)" (1994)
Al: What we need to do is find someone who can tell us how to fight this insanity.
Roger: That's right. We need a man's man.
Bob Rooney: Someone who always calls his own shots.
Jefferson D'Arcy: A leader to lead us through the 90's.
Officer Dan: A man among men.
Bob Rooney, Roger, Barney, Officer Dan: Ironhead Haynes!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Who's Ironhead Haynes?
Al: The gruffest, toughest man to ever graduate from Polk High.
Roger: He had a beard in the 7th Grade, and a wife.
Officer Dan: Took out his own appendix with a Pocket Fisherman's knife.
Al: He could have been a great football player for Polk High. But he refused to take off his spurs.
Jefferson D'Arcy: We wore cowboy boots while playing football?
Al: No boots. Just spurs.