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Quotes for
Griff (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

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"Married with Children: God Help Ye Merry Bundymen (#11.8)" (1996)
Al Bundy: I thought you said you had money put away.
Griff: I did, but then I bought a corn dog and a kiddie Coke and there went my nest egg.

Griff: You sure make one UGLY hobbit.
Al Bundy: I happen to be the Elfineer!

Al: All right, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that makes us?
Griff: Michael Jackson?

Al Bundy: What kind of job are you doing?
Griff: I got an executive position in the overnight-delivery business.
Mall Manager: Hey, Blitzen, get your tail back over to the sled!
[a raindeer dancer approaches]
Reindeer Dancer: [high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Prancer.
Al Bundy: No kidding.
Reindeer Dancer: [to Griff] Come on, Blitzen. It's time to get into our harness.
Al Bundy: What kind of reindeer games you playing over there, Griff?
Griff: One more crack out of your and I'll kick your curly-toed butt.

"Married with Children: T*R*A*S*H (#11.13)" (1997)
Griff: Al, if I don't make it, would you look up my ex-wife and...
Al: Tell her that you love her?
Griff: No. Tell her she's a bitch!

Griff: Well Al, I think it's time we hit the hay.
Al: Go to sleep? It's only nine o'clock. What are you? Old?
Griff: Yeah.
Al: [beat] Me too.

Griff: Oww! This bunk mattress is hard, and this pillow is all lumpy.
Al: At least it doesn't have red hair and begs for sex.

"Married with Children: Something Larry This Way Comes (#9.21)" (1995)
Gary: I did not amass my considerable personal fortune by giving up. I am determined to turn this place around, and I'll tell you why. Years ago, in my first business venture, I went what I thought was the sure thing. But it turned out that my partner was a little shyster. I lost my shirt!
Griff: You still had a bra on underneath?
Al Bundy: Griff, shut up!
Gary: From that day forward, I vowed two things: one that I would never again have another failing business venture. And two: that I would exact my revenge on the guy that ripped me off.
Griff: What kind of business was it?
Gary: The Larry Storch School of Heating and Air Conditioning Repair.
[Larry Storch enters]
Larry Storch: Larry Storch is in the house!
Al Bundy: Hit the deck!

[Gary is counting the money in the cash register at the shoe store]
Gary: So, this is really todays take?
Griff: Actually that's yesterdays take. We were gonna bring it to the bank but they have a 50 cent minimum deposit.
Al Bundy: Luckily, we haven't taken out our commission yet.
[Gary angrily glares at both of them]

[Al and Griff are dressed as werewolves during a Midnight Madness sale at the shoe store]
Griff: Tell me again what werewolves have to do with selling shoes.
Al Bundy: Again? All right, think this: wolves... night... moon... shoes.
Griff: Huh?
Al Bundy: You see wolves are nocturnal. They hunt at night. Hence, wolves... night...
Griff: Yeah, yeah... moon... shoes.

"Married with Children: And Bingo Was Her Game-O (#9.22)" (1995)
Jefferson: Al, when are we going to stop sipping this beer and start drinking it?
Griff: Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty.
Ike: What's foreplay?
Bob Rooney: It's the act that comes right before sex. It lasts... about ten seconds.
Ike: Well then what's sex?

Jefferson: Okay, our next beer is a fine Afghani ale, whose Pashtu name loosely translated means, "yellow mountain run-off".
Bob Rooney: [a jingling sound is heard from inside the beer cans] Oh, hey listen. There's a prize in every can.
Griff: I'd be careful about that prize stuff. Remember what fell out of that can of Russian Chernobyl beer?
Ike: What? That was an olive, right?
Al Bundy: Sure, with an eyelid.

"Married with Children: The Desperate Half-Hour (#11.22)" (1997)
Al Bundy: Didn't you see the "Help" sign I hung out of the bathroom window?
Griff: Al, you've been hanging "Help" signs ever since I've known you.

Starla: Now listen up, Pigs! I want a car to the airport, I want a plane to Brazil, and $50000 cash!
Al Bundy: I demand the same thing.
Griff: And I need more Mountain Dew.

"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
Al Bundy: Jefferson, we are all taking you out today to celebrate your wedding anniversary since you don't work.
Jefferson D'Arcy: So, how come you guys are not at work?
Al Bundy, Griff, Bob Rooney, Ike: We're sick.
Officer Dan: Except for me. I'm working.
Police Dispatcher: All units, all units, report to city hall. The mayor has been taken hostage by a group of...
Officer Dan: [turns off his radio] Blah, blah, blah, shut up!

Sierra Madre: I just had a thought. Why don't you get a tattoo? I once got my boyfriend's name tattooed on me for his birthday.
Officer Dan: I don't see any tattoo.
Sierra Madre: Here, I'll show you. Gather around...
[all the men gather around Sierra Madre, and they all suddenly yell and gasp]
Ike: Oh boy, I'd love to be her boyfriend.
Griff: I'd love to be her boyfriend's name.

"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 3 (#11.16)" (1997)
[first lines]
[Al has a bruse on his face from being punched earlier in the previous episode]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, Al that's a beaut.
Griff: I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife that she was starting to look like Al Roker.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, it look's like Marcy was right. She said that it was only a matter of time before some young woman beat the holy hell out of you.
Al Bundy: I'll have you know that I got this black eye last night, explaining to a jealous boyfriend how his little lady would rather stay with me.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, where is she?
Al Bundy: I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed. This one has a leak and I worry when she bounces. So, you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine with the ladies. That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane, but he's doing wheelies in it, baby!
[Jefferson exits]
Griff: Is it true. Al? About the girl?
Al Bundy: Every word of it. Except that the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him, and now there's an odor coming from that waterbed that scares even me!

Griff: Are things really that bad?
Al Bundy: Yes, things are that bad. Married men, whether separated or divorced, can never go back to being single. See, there's this gene, it's called the single gene. It's in us when we're born. But as soon as we marry, it mysterously disappears. Nobody knows why, but I suspect it's removed chromosone by chromosone by our wives.
Griff: And how would they go about this?
Al Bundy: Do we really know why they own so many tweezers?
Griff: So, Al, if they don't like us being single, why do they keep kicking us out of the house?
Al Bundy: That's part of their cruel tricks. See, without the single gene, we're helpless. We just wonder around smelling of Rogaine and gin, until finally we fall off our toilets and die.

"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 2 (#11.15)" (1997)
Griff: [seeing Marcy approach] You're busted!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Her bust? Yeah, isn't it great? If Marcy had headlights like these I wouldn't be going to traffic school!

Al Bundy: Get out!
Griff: Al, I thought we were your buddies.
Al Bundy: We are. That's why I'm throwing you out the door instead of out the window.

"Married with Children: Torch Song Duet (#10.26)" (1996)
Griff: I'm Griff X.
Calvin Farquhar: X? Are you Muslim as in the civil rights leader Malcolm X?
Griff: No, I'm divorced as in screwed over by the Ex.

Al: Griff, girls like that are a dime a dozen.
Griff: Here's a dime, bring me a dozen.

"Married with Children: Naughty But Niece (#9.4)" (1994)
Griff: I'm only working here today because I got no place else to go. I use to have a place to go, but then I got divorced. Yep... divorced. She got the house, the car, the money. All I got was the right to remain silent. But you know what really ticks me off is that Michael Jackson is married and I'm not.

Bud: Who are you?
Griff: Name's Griff. I work here.
Bud: That's funny. Dad told never told me he hired another guy.
Griff: And who are you?
Bud: Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
Griff: That's funny. He never told me he had a son?
Bud: A daughter?
Griff: Nope.
Bud: A wife?
Griff: Not living.
Bud: Four touchdowns in one game?
Griff: Oh, hell yeah.

"Married with Children: Business Sucks: Part 1 (#9.5)" (1994)
Al Bundy: Why does every woman that comes in here says they are a size five shoe?
Griff: I don't know. I guess women just aren't comfortable with what size they are.
Al Bundy: I'm glad we're men. Men are superior to women, right?
Griff: Right.
Al Bundy: We never lie about size. Well, of course I don't.
Griff: Well, I don't either.
Al Bundy: Neither do I.
[both Al and Griff stare at each other]
Griff: Contest?
Al Bundy: Let's rock!
[Al gets out a foot measurer as Griff prepares to take down his slacks when a young, attractive woman walks in]
Al Bundy: May we show you something?

"Married with Children: I Can't Believe It's Butter (#10.14)" (1995)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?
Al Bundy: Great idea. To the nudie bar.
Bob Rooney: Where Christmas is nice...
Al Bundy: And lap dances are half-price.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Ike: Where you drink down the shooters...
Officer Dan: And unwrap the hooters.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Where eggnog's a plenty...
Griff: And the girls are all 20.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!

"Married with Children: How Bleen Was My Kelly (#10.5)" (1995)
Bob Rooney: Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen group with the horrible urge to do the girlfriend thing with the wife?
Ike: The other day, I carried my wife across the threshold. I told her I loved her. I even had foreplay.
Griff: Hey, so what? Last night I pleasured my ex-wife... and payed her back alimony!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, well that's nothing. Last night while I was making love to Marcy, I was fantasizing about... Marcy.

"Married with Children: Birthday Boy Toy (#11.19)" (1997)
Griff: Bud, did I ever tell you that I was Dorothy in my high school production of The Wiz?
Bud: All male school?
Griff: No.

"Married with Children: Crimes Against Obesity (#11.9)" (1996)
Shirley: Aren't you open?
Al: Sorry ma'am but unlike your mouth we occasionally close.
Shirley: I want my money back, these shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why.
Griff: Well you see ma'am this is a pliant heel with a cork filling.
Al: Where as you are a giant seal with a pork filling.
Shirley: You haven't heard the last of this, what goes around comes around.
Al: Well considering your orbit looks like I have but ten more years.

"Married with Children: Bud on the Side (#11.11)" (1997)
Griff: Al, lighten up. You didn't have a problem when Kelly dated that wealthy older man.
Al: I wouldn't have a problem if BUD dated a weathy older man. Anybody but Gary.

"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad: Part 1 (#9.12)" (1994)
Psycho Dad: Yes, quit. Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad. If this is the kind of following that I inspire, then I'm afraid I must stop leading. However, since the network's offering me big bucks, be sure to watch me in my new show: "Lefkowitz: Special Education Teacher's Aid". Thank you. And to you, Al: goodbye, and, uh, get help.
Ike: I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.
Al: That's not Psycho Dad talking. He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz". He's been brainwashed by people like Marcy and her do-gooders. Well, we've got to think of something.
Griff: Use the power of our giant manly brains?
Al: No, that'll take too long.

"Married with Children: Reverend Al (#10.4)" (1995)
Sticky: Hey hey, we could buy real beer.
Griff: And maybe some ale.
Bob Rooney: Ale sucks.
Griff: Suck this.
[They fight]

"Married with Children: A Man for No Seasons (#9.11)" (1994)
Al: Griff, as the new pedge to be in NO MA'AM, you have endured all the required challenges. The purchasing of Panty Shield stockings in a lingerie shop in broad daylight. The attending of a Julio Iglesias concert in a wig and matching assumble. Are you ready for the third and final challenge?
Griff: Hey... I have an ex-wife and I work in a shoe store. I feel no pain.

"Married with Children: Children of the Corns (#11.2)" (1996)
Gary: You know, I could get a trained chimp to do your job, but it'd be a waste of a perfectly good trained chimp.
Al: Yeah, but it's such a nice vacation for him to get out of your bedroom.
Griff: [sucking up] By the way, I think that is one lucky chimp.
Gary: This year, we're going to have a sales contest. First place gets the raise. Second place gets a swift kick in the ass!
Al: Why don't you give is a real incentive? Let the winner kick you in the ass!
Gary: Instead of kicking my butt, you should be kissing it.
Al: Hey! What do you think I look like, your monkey?

"Married with Children: Live Nude Peg (#11.17)" (1997)
Iqbal: And now a man whose selfless devotion to nudity is an inspiration to us all, Al Bundy!
Al Bundy: Thank you. Tonight's contestants will be judged by two categories, the left one and the right one.
Jefferson D'Arcy: And in the event of a tie, the winner will be decided by peanut butter wrestling.
Griff: Oh there will be a tie and Griff's got the Jif.