Steve Rhoades
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Quotes for
Steve Rhoades (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

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"Married with Children: The Computer Show (#3.20)" (1989)
Steve: I used to be like you, Al. Well, not *just* like you, I mean, I cared about personal hygiene, and had change for a dollar. But I too doubted the computer. No longer, Al. The computer can be your friend. Especially on those long nights when your wife isn't talking to you 'cause she can't fold a stinking napkin.

Al: What do I need a computer for?
Marcy: News updates.
Al: Newspaper.
Marcy: Social events.
Al: TV Guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al: [Placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al: Don't care.

Marcy: Al, what you're overlooking is all the things this model can do. This is a muscle machine. It's fully loaded: it's got a 3600 bod modem, a VGA high-resolution color monitor, a 40 megabyte harddisk, and 7 megabytes of RAM. Steve, it's the you of computers.
Steve: You ain't just whistlin' IBM, baby.

Steve: Welcome to Tomorrowland, Al, where do you want it?
Al: How about over here in It's a Broke World Afterall.

Steve: Al, did you know that your dog is burying himself in your backyard?
Al: Well I hope it's not the spot by the hose because that little plot's for me.

"Married with Children: The Egg and I (#6.17)" (1992)
Marcy: I know why you're back. You're back... for this!
[she rips off her nightie, revealing her negligee]
Al: [off screen] I'm blind! My eyes, my eyes!
Steve: Okay, I get the message! But remember, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Take this to your grave!
Steve: [rips open his shirt, showing his scrawny chest] Take THIS to your grave!
Peggy: [off screen] WAAAAHH! Now I'm blind, too!

Steve: Actually, there's another reason why I came back.
Al: Hey, I never considered that $50 a loan, Steve.
Steve: Not that. I came to reclaim my wife.
[Al and the rest of the Bundys look at each other with worry]
Peggy: Uh... Steve, I think there's something you should know...
Al: [interrupting] Peg! The man has traveled many-a-mile. Let's not keep him from the bosom of his woman, where ever it may be.

[Marcy pulls apart Steve and Jefferson fighting after meeting each other for the first time]
Steve: He's your husband? Were you hurt so bad when I divorced you, you'd marry "this"? Whoa, the desperation!
Jefferson D'Arcy: This is the mighty Steve? The one you used to throw in my face? The one who, "wasn't much to look at, but at least he has a job."
Steve: Oh, you gigolos make me sick. Just because a man divoces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back. So you can pack up your hair and profile. And find another heartbroken, discarded, middle-agged woman to marry, and leave us decent folk to our happy home.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Pardon me, Yogi. You're not welcome here. Marcy has a real man now.
Steve: Is that right? According to my watch, it's 10:22 PM. When I was married to her, we were never sleeping at 10:22.
Jefferson D'Arcy: She's just resting. She's been on the tilt-a-whirl since 6:00 PM.

F.B.I. Man: [knocking on the Bundy's door] Open up, it's the FBI.
Steve: That could just be for me, because stealing this egg is a federal offense. Ohh, if you get any ideas, so is harboring me. If you need me I'll be in the basement.
[Steve hides in the basement as Al opens the door; the agent flashes his badge.]
F.B.I. Man: Agent Mahoney, FBI. Have you seen this man?
[shows Al the picture of Steve in a forest ranger uniform and changes it to the picture of a rare canyon hawk egg]
F.B.I. Man: Have you this egg? They're known to be in the area. Have you seen either of them?
Al: Let me tell you something, I served my country. I've played high school football, four touchdowns in a single game. Yet I'm not exempt from state and federal taxes. Is this any way America should treat us heroes? No, you just flash that badge to some registered voter, buddy. We're Bundys, we *hate* Cops.

"Married with Children: Just Married... with Children (#2.20)" (1988)
[Marcy and Steve are impersonating the Bundys on the TV game show]
Steve Rhoades: So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?
Peggy Bundy: How'd you find out?
Steve Rhoades: Your kids sold you out for a square meal.
[Kelly and Bud are shown in the TV studio audience munching on junk food]

Steve Rhoades: Marcy, I am putting my foot down, that is if it's OK with you.

Bink Winkleman: Gentlemen, to your electric chairs.
Al Bundy: I welcome death.
Marcy Rhoades: Uh Steve, I didn't know they'd have electric chairs.
Steve Rhoades: Doesn't matter Marcy. Juice me till I'm ash, they're not getting that car.

Bink Winkleman: We have 30 here, 35 here. Do I hear 40?
Marcy Rhoades: I don't think I can.
Steve Rhoades: A woman's place is in the home.
[Marcy cranks it up]
Bink Winkleman: 80, audience, look at him twitch.

"Married with Children: Nightmare on Al's Street (#1.11)" (1987)
Steve Rhoades: I'm gonna have sex, Al.

Steve Rhoades: Al, I'm horny. What are you gonna do about it?

[there is a knock at the door]
Al Bundy: Who is it?
Steve Rhoades: Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.
Al Bundy: Bartholomew?

"Married with Children: 976-SHOE (#4.8)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: Get lost, Al, it's the president.
Al: [Al shakes hands with bank president] I voted for you.

Steve Rhoades: Yeah, the hick's signing the papers right now... oh, not you. I was talking about some other hick.

Peamon: You really believe in the loan?
Steve Rhoades: With my heart and soul, sir.
Peamon: Would you put your job on the line for it?
Steve Rhoades: No, sir.
Peamon: Then I will. If this Bundy doesn't come through, you're fired!

"Married with Children: Get the Dodge Out of Hell (#9.17)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Steve, what are you doing back in town? I though you were out in the desert protecting the wildlife and performing your version of Guys and Dolls to the cactus.
Steve Rhoades: That, much like our marriage, was just a phase.

Steve Rhoades: Same old Marcy. Flat and to the point.

Steve Rhoades: So, where is the new, unimproved, unemployed me? At home watching Richard Bey?

"Married with Children: Married... Without Children (#1.7)" (1987)
Al: You are the biggest - By the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al: The biggest *idiot* I've ever met.

Steve: I'm sorry.
Al: Yeah, that and a dime will get you a cup of coffee.
Steve: Where?
Al: Shut up.

Kelly Bundy: Listen, I really like one of these guys. He's really nice, but don't make any sudden moves. OK?
Steve: I guess I can dial 911 slowly.

"Married with Children: Radio Free Trumaine (#9.26)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Pushing around 18 year olds. What will you do next?
Steve Rhoades: I don't know. Maybe I'll look at our wedding photos trying to find your breasts.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, you're gonna have to try really hard because they're hidden under your gorgeous cousins' hands!

Steve Rhoades: So these are your radicals? I don't hear anyone chanting "Attica, Attica"!
Stoner: Attica! Attica!

"Married with Children: Buck Saves the Day (#4.3)" (1989)
[a delirious Steve moans in pain from poison oak exposure and animal bites]
Victor: What's wrong with Mr. Rhoades?
Al Bundy: He's dying, Victor.
Steve Rhoades: [sing-song] Thus dies the house of Agamemnon.
[pirate accent]
Steve Rhoades: Tie him to the yardarm, Mr. Christian!
[British accent]
Steve Rhoades: Oh, look father, I sat in somthing icky!
Bud Bundy: Should I get a club, Dad?
Al Bundy: Nah, at least watching him gives us something to do.
[gagging sound]
Bud Bundy: Oh, cool, he's foaming again!

[after getting lost in the woods]
Al Bundy: Don't worry, we've got a secret weapon.
Steve Rhoades: [offscreen] Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!
Victor: It's not him, is it?

"Married with Children: All in the Family (#2.22)" (1988)
Steve Rhoades: You know why you have such chicken legs, Marcy? It's because you're mother eats all those eggs!

Marcy Rhoades: Al, do you know what the difference between Steve's mom's head and a bowling ball is? A bowling ball doesn't have a beard!
Steve Rhoades: It's only one hair. One hair doesn't mean it's a beard.
Marcy Rhoades: It is if it's six inches long and shaped like the letter V!

"Married with Children: Hot off the Grill (#4.1)" (1989)
Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted Aunt Tuney passed away.
Steve: Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors.
Marcy: She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her sainted ashes fell to me.
Steve: And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her cats.

Steve: Thank you, Al, we'll be glad to come. What can we bring?
Al: Well, just the plates, and some food, and some beers and leave the rest to us. Oh, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, good food, and good friends.
[reality dawns on Al]
Al: Oh, God. What a charade.
[Al breaks down crying]

"Married with Children: But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy (#1.3)" (1987)
Steve: Uh, hi Peggy; uh, Al. Hope we're not interrupting anything.
Al: Naaaah, just going to have a little sex with the wife. What the heck, there's always next month.

Steve: You shot my dog in the middle of a bowel movement?

"Married with Children: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 (#2.5)" (1987)
[Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator]
Steve Rhoades: Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for THIS?
Al: Yeah!
Steve Rhoades: Thanks, Al!
[Steve opens can of beer with Al]

[staring at the butt of the repair-girl]
Al: Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
Steve Rhoades: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

"Married with Children: Born to Walk (#2.8)" (1987)
Al: Hey, Steve?
Al: You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Steve: [looking through the booklet] Ooh, these tests are brutal. Ooh, here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area?
Al: Who cares?
Steve: A cop in a business or residential area.

"Married with Children: Master the Possibilities (#2.16)" (1988)
Steve Rhoades: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Bud Bundy: Sure.
Steve Rhoades: Then its a-prison he'll be goin'. You might want to let him know.
Bud Bundy: Well he's sorta at a hotel.
Steve Rhoades: Then he's sorta in big trouble.
Kristi: What's the matter?
Bud Bundy: Nothing that can't wait.

"Married with Children: For Whom the Bell Tolls (#2.7)" (1987)
Steve Rhodes: I have another phone message for Peggy.
Peggy Bundy: Who is it, Steve?
Steve Rhodes: It's from your mother. She's worried about you and having not to talk to you every day. So, she's coming to stay until you get your phone put back in.
Al Bundy: [Al's eyes widen with fear] How much time do we have?
Steve Rhodes: She was packing her bags.
Al Bundy: Great! Great! We can still stop her. She's so big and fat that she can never get through her front door on the first try. Peg, quick, call her. Use Steve's phone!
Steve Rhodes: Oh, sure. Use Steve's phone, wake Steve up, let Steve take the message. Well, the Steve stops here and my phone is off-limits. Give Mom and hug for me.
Al Bundy: Oh, God. What have I done?
Peggy Bundy: Get out the Sitz bath, kids. Grandma's coming.
Al Bundy: Look, Peg, go out to a payphone, call your mother before she gets to the bottom of her driveway because once she's in motion, you can't stop here! Was that a tremor? Oh God, she must be changing bras!

"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.11)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: Why can't you and mother get along, Marcy?
Marcy: The woman hangs her coat on me.

"Married with Children: The Dateless Amigo (#3.19)" (1989)
Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
Al: What about tax?
Steve: [after pause] You sound just like those fools in the treasury department.
Marcy: Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

"Married with Children: The Razor's Edge (#2.10)" (1987)
Al Bundy: Steve, I'm going to give you a gift. A special gift to make you stop thinking about Marcy. I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary, so sit down. Clear your mind. Think of Marcy. Now, take a look at this photo of... my mother-in-law!
Steve Rhodes: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Al Bundy: Everybody says that. Yep, look at her in a two-piece bathing suit, bending over at the beach on the shore of Lake Michigan to pick up her sunglasses, the summer of '71. Notice the perspiration peculating in the folds of her stomach. You'll also notice that her upper arms are blurry. Why you ask? Well, there was a breeze and the camera caught them in mid-flap.

"Married with Children: Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (#3.13)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: [demonstrating tap-dancing to Kelly] Hop-shuf-fle-step, fa-lap-ball change. Now you try.
Kelly Bundy: [as she tap-dances] Nerd-geek-dweeb, duh-weeb-nerd-DORK!

"Married with Children: Her Cups Runneth Over (#3.6)" (1989)
Al Bundy: I'd like a bra for my wife, who's a woman... sort of.
Muffy: Well, what's her cup size? Is she my size?
[Al stares at Muffy's bust, blankly]
Muffy: Sir?
Al Bundy: Oh, I'm sorry. I was sweating in my eye. My wife... her cup size is like...
[Al walks over to another female customer with a large bust and puts his hands on both her breasts]
Al Bundy: She's just like this. Do you agree with me, Steve?
Steve Rhoades: [embarrassed] I'm not speaking to you, Al.

"Married with Children: Buck Can Do It (#2.4)" (1987)
Al Bundy: I can't believe you're not with me on this thing, Steve. You, me, and Buck... we're guys. We were put on this Earth to conquer, to rule. Then we got married and it's over for us. But Buck... he's in his prime. Look at him, Steve. You can't tell me you're not a little envious. He's got the life. He has the life that all men should have. The life I used to have. A new bitch every night. Doesn't have to take them out to dinner, doesn't have to dress up, doesn't have to take a bath, and the best part of all is that they're not there in the morning. It's all "woof-woof, bam-bam, thank you ma'am. Don't call me. I'll call you". Think about it, Steve. Isn't that the life that you wanted?
Steve Rhoades: Well, I really don't mind bathing, Al. Other then that, he's everything I ever wanted to be.
Al Bundy: Then be like me, Steve. Live through him. No wife, no steady girlfriend, no commitment. Just 365 one night stands out of the year. You see the little poodle he was with?
Steve Rhoades: [laughs] Yeah, how was she? What am I saying? I'm talking to a dog.

"Married with Children: Who'll Stop the Rain (#4.13)" (1990)
[after Marcy is bitten by a venomous guinea pig]
Steve Rhodes: Gee, Marcy, you look... fine. Don't you think so, Kelly?
Kelly: I don't know, I've never really looked at her before.
Marcy Rhoades: I have a *hump*, you bimbo!
Kelly: [confused] Didn't you always?

"Married with Children: Rock and Roll Girl (#4.15)" (1990)
Steve: [Al and Steve are watching the "Video Slut" tryouts on cable access TV] Look at that one, Al! So that's what they look like before you marry them, eh?
Al: Wait a minute, that's Kelly!
Steve: Oh. You know what, Al? I really promised Marcy I'd get home in time to cut the grass.
[runs out of the room]
Al: I'm comin' to help you, pumpkin!
[leaves the room]

"Married with Children: You Better Watch Out (#2.13)" (1987)
Marcy: [after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
[Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza]
Al: Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies.
Peggy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg.
Bud: Mmm!
Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard!
Al: What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?

"Married with Children: Life's a Beach (#3.21)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: We didn't come here to throw our happiness in your face. Actually, we came here if you could do me a favor.
Al Bundy: What? Grab one of your wife's legs and make a wish.
[Marcy gets up and tries to strangle Al for his comment. Steve holds her back and gets her to sit down]

"Married with Children: Fair Exchange (#4.6)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: Well when I was dating you, I had a few milk bones slipped into my pocket.
Marcy Rhoades: I was pretty! My mother told me so.
Steve Rhoades: Compared to your mother, you were.

"Married with Children: If I Were a Rich Man (#2.3)" (1987)
Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course, I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

"Married with Children: Have You Driven a Ford Lately (#1.5)" (1987)
Steve: It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: [looking troubled] Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

"Married with Children: Whose Room Is It Anyway? (#1.4)" (1987)
Al: What happened Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened Steve. Someone told women that they should start enjoying sex to. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us!

"Married with Children: Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (#2.17)" (1988)
Steve Rhoades: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.
Steve Rhoades: I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV!

"Married with Children: Peggy Sue Got Work (#1.9)" (1987)
Marcy Rhoades: I'm settling an argument here. Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive throwback of a human being.
Steve Rhoades: So what's the argument?

"Married with Children: Dump of My Own (#3.5)" (1989)
[Al is building a new bathroom]
Steve Rhoades: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.
Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.
Steve Rhoades: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?
Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

"Married with Children: Earth Angel (#2.12)" (1987)
Al Bundy: Tiffany dear, come meet our neighbor, uh he lost a tree, but gained a view. Tiffany... Steve, Steve... uh, view.
Tiffany: Nice to meet you.
Steve Rhoades: Gobladoo me.
Al Bundy: Anyhow, let me give you a price list. Now on Thursdays, she does aerobics, thats $10. On Friday, she sunbathes and she does some jogging, that's our combo plat, that's 15 bucks. But, being you live right next door, you might want to go for the weekly rate. That's $40, but with that you get popcorn and a free lottery ticket.
Steve Rhoades: I can't believe you Al, this is truly low.
Al Bundy: So are you in?
Steve Rhoades: Maybe.

"Married with Children: Pilot (#1.1)" (1987)
Steve Rhoades: Do you two, uh, have any kids?
Al Bundy: Two.
Marcy: Where are they?
Al Bundy: [shrugs] I don't know.

"Married with Children: Desperately Seeking Miss October (#4.7)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: Hooter alert!

"Married with Children: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 (#2.6)" (1987)
Steve Rhoades: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
Steve Rhoades: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah... it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.
Steve Rhoades: WHAT?

"Married with Children: Tooth or Consequences (#4.4)" (1989)
Steve: Al, you realize that tampering with your kids dental records is against the law.
Al: So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.