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Quotes for
Jefferson D'Arcy (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
Doctor #1: Bad news Mr. D'Arcy. I'm afraid we are going to have to operate.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, no.
Doctor #1: You do have insurance?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yes, of course.
Doctor #1: Then we will be using anesthesia.

Iqbal: Mr. D'Arcy, shall I continues to charge the lap dances on your wife's credit card?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Sure, Iqbal. After all, it's her anniversary too.

Al Bundy: Jefferson, you asked me to remind you when it's six o'clock so you can leave before Marcy gets home.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Sure, Al. When is it?
Al Bundy: It was about a half-hour ago.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [throwing off a lap dancer sitting on his lap] Oh, no! I've got to get home!
Lap Dancer: I was about to take you there.

Al Bundy: Jefferson, we are all taking you out today to celebrate your wedding anniversary since you don't work.
Jefferson D'Arcy: So, how come you guys are not at work?
Al Bundy, Griff, Bob Rooney, Ike: We're sick.
Officer Dan: Except for me. I'm working.
Police Dispatcher: All units, all units, report to city hall. The mayor has been taken hostage by a group of...
Officer Dan: [turns off his radio] Blah, blah, blah, shut up!

Jefferson D'Arcy: So, the tattoo on my butt said M-A-R-Y.
Kelly Bundy: So what? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.
Bud Bundy: There's a C in Marcy.
Kelly Bundy: M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.

Al Bundy: [Attempting to persuade Jefferson to accompany NO MA'AM to the Jiggly Room on the D'Arcys' anniversary] Come on, Jefferson! It's just us, some liquor, and some Mexican strippers! What could happen?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, ya put it that way, OK!

[last lines]
[Bud sees the tattoo]
Bud Bundy: "I love MarDy"?... I guess you're going to get that removed, huh?
Jefferson D'Arcy: That, and the other thing.
Kelly Bundy: What other thing?
[an X-ray reveals Marcy's boot jammed up Jefferson's rectum]


"Married with Children: Married... with Who (#5.12)" (1991)
[Marcy wakes up one morning and finds herself married to Jefferson]
Al: Now, Jeff, all kidding aside, run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist, but the key word here is "run!"
Jefferson: Don't you think she's cute, Al?
Al: *Run.*

[Marcy identifies herself as Jefferson's wife]
Jefferson: By the way, my name is Jefferson.
Marcy: I'm Marcy.
Al: Yeah, I'm Al, so now that the Beatles have been reunited, you can get the hell out of here!

[Al let slip at Jefferson and Marcy's wedding that he was in prison]
Jefferson: Listen, Al, I just dropped by to thank you for utterly betraying my trust. It was malicious and foul, but I think it's gonna turn out to be a blessing. I mean, it helps get our marriage off on an honest, healthy, harmonious start.
Marcy: [off-screen] JEFFERSON D'ARCY! GET YOUR LYING, INMATE ASS OVER HERE *NOW*!

Marcy: It's just that I can hardly believe that I'm now mrs...
[Stalls, and turns towards Jefferson]
Marcy: Darling. What's your last name?
Jefferson: D'Arcy
Marcy: [Turn slowly back towards Peggy] ... Marcy D'Arcy... I'm now MARCY D'ARCY! What have I've done. Maybe I should start wearing little dresses with dots on them

Al: Hey Jefferson! What did you do that landed you in prison?
Jefferson: I sold some land off of Lake Chichamacarnago. Yeah the place is so poluted it won't be fit for inhabitants for another 20 years.

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife?
[notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and a bored Kelly]
Jefferson: [takes Kelly] Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
Kelly: Bye, daddy.
Peggy: [takes Jefferson's hand] No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife! NOW we can go back to bed.
Marcy: Oh, shut up! It's me, it's me!


"Married with Children: And Bingo Was Her Game-O (#9.22)" (1995)
Jefferson: Al, when are we going to stop sipping this beer and start drinking it?
Griff: Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty.
Ike: What's foreplay?
Bob Rooney: It's the act that comes right before sex. It lasts... about ten seconds.
Ike: Well then what's sex?

Jefferson: Okay, our next beer is a fine Afghani ale, whose Pashtu name loosely translated means, "yellow mountain run-off".
Bob Rooney: [a jingling sound is heard from inside the beer cans] Oh, hey listen. There's a prize in every can.
Griff: I'd be careful about that prize stuff. Remember what fell out of that can of Russian Chernobyl beer?
Ike: What? That was an olive, right?
Al Bundy: Sure, with an eyelid.

Jefferson: Our first beer is a Turkish dark beer from Asia Minor. It is made from agave and bladderwort.
[Al and all the men take a sip, and violently spit it out]

Al Bundy: [drunk] Hey, Jefferson... I got a bad feeling.
Jefferson: [also drunk] Al, you drank about 40 beers. It's a wonder you can feel anything at all.
Al Bundy: No, I could have sworn that I was supposed to do something at nine o'clock. Uh... what time is it now?
Jefferson: [looks at his wristwatch] It's 10:15.
Al Bundy: Oh... well, whatever it is that I'm supposed to do... I guess I already did it.


"Married with Children: My Dinner with Anthrax (#6.18)" (1992)
Jefferson D'Arcy: There, Al. Now that you got some color back in your cheeks, you mind telling me what were you doing kneeling behind by car with the exhaust pipe in your mouth?
Al: [wheezing] My wife... wants me to make love to her.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, shouldn't she be the one kneeling behind my car with the exhaust pipe in her mouth?

Jefferson D'Arcy: Wilt Chamberlain once claimed to have made love to over 20,000 women.
Al: Yeah, and not one of them was his wife.

Jefferson D'Arcy: You can do it, Al.
Al: No I can't! It's my wife! It's not right!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Then it's your own damn fault for being so desirable.
Al: You may be right. If my mind says "yes", how can my body not say "no"?

Jefferson D'Arcy: First you put on some music, then you put the lights down low.
Al: Low? Low?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah.
Al: But, I can still see her!


"Married with Children: Get Outta Dodge (#8.18)" (1994)
Jefferson: Well, for my money, you can't beat a European sports car. Marcy and I are nuts about ours. Rack and pinion steering, four wheel independent suspension, and 310 of the sexiest Euro ponies that ever hurtled a Yankee from 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds. Oh man, what a car.
Al: Where is it?
Jefferson: It's in the shop.
Al: Still? Jefferson, you've had the car five months, it hasn't been off the racks yet. What's wrong with it?
Jefferson: They don't know. It's something very sophisticated. Very expensive and very, very Euro. But I'm telling you I am on top of the world with that car. You can ask anybody on the bus how happy I am.

Al: Peg, you can nag, you can cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo, but I am never selling the Dodge.
[the next day]
Jefferson: Finally selling the Dodge, huh Al?
Al: Yeah, it's like giving up one of your children but none of the joy.

Jefferson: So how's your ad coming?
Al: Done. Here.
[Al hands Jefferson the notepad]
Jefferson: [reading ad] "Used car of indeterminate year. Forced to sell by used wife, also of indeterminate year." $4,000?
Al: What? You don't think I can get $4,000?
Jefferson: I don't think you can get dollars.

Kelly: [Al in the Dodge had accidentally rolled out of the garage] How did he finally stop?
Jefferson: Well, luckily, there was a brand new, foreign car parked outside, which had finally been fixed but never driven.
Marcy: Well I guess it's good to get that first broadside out of the way.


"Married with Children: Cheese, Cues, and Blood (#6.4)" (1991)
[Al has his head propped up on two beer bottles]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well Al, you're looking better. You've stopped air-guitaring "It's a Small World".
Al: Yeah, it's the beer. Turns out, the brain doesn't need blood. Just gotta keep the brain wet. So what's going on?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, we were up 5 grand, and I said we should take the money and leave, but you said "Damn a unified Germany, play on."

[Kelly needs money for her stake in a pool bet; Al zombie-walks into the bar, with gauze taped up the length of both arms]
Kelly: Daddy, you look so pale.
Al: Perhaps that's because I've been running all over town, selling pints of blood to nine blood banks.
Jefferson: Al, the human body only holds eight pints.
Al: Well, that's what they say, but the brain hides some!

[Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter in action, she's...
[Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table]
Al: Say goodnight, Super Fly.
Kelly: [comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?
Al: Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.


"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad (#9.13)" (1994)
Al: Here we are, boys. City of brotherly love.
Jefferson: No, that's Philadelphia.
Al: Well, what's Washington?
Officer Dan: A team without a quarterback.

Jefferson: Don't you wanna call home and make sure Peg and the kids are okay?
Al: Relax, Jefferson, nothing is going to happen.
News Reporter: Late word today from Chicago where a simple house party has spread like a virus. It is described as a Woodstock without the music.
[the channel is changed]
Sexy Woman: Oh Santa, I've been very, very bad.

[the porn channel is on the TV]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Speaking of the Washington Monument... what is that?
Jefferson: Uh... C-SPAN is broadcasting the senate page tryouts.


"Married with Children: Dances with Weezie (#8.10)" (1993)
Jefferson: What year did the Cubs last win the World Series?
Al: 1908.
Peggy: And yet you can't remember the year we were married?
Al: Same year, 1908. Only difference is, baseball is still interesting.
Peggy: Maybe that's because they score more than once a season.

Jefferson: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial?
Al: No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language.
Marcy: You're talking beer, you're talking his belly.
Al: [Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater] Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball?

Jefferson: You copied that from Bugs Bunny.
Al: No, Daffy Duck.
Jefferson: Bugs.
Al: Daffy.
Jefferson: Bugs.
Al: Daffy.
Peggy: Why are you two introducing yourselves to each other?


"Married with Children: Ship Happens (#9.19)" (1995)
Gretchen: Hi, I'm Gretchen, the athletics coordinator on the ship. I just dropped by to ask if you two guys will be taking aerobics classes during the cruise.
Jefferson D'Arcy: That depends. Are you taking them?
Gretchen: I'm teaching them.
Al Bundy: We're taking them.

Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh, excuse me, Gretchen, but uh... I thought all the passengers were...
[Al whispers something in his ear]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Jurassic, Uh, I-I mean... jolly.
Gretchen: May I share something with you?
Al: Sure! Jefferson, would you step outside?
[pushes Jefferson aside and pulls Gretchen closer]
Gretchen: Well what I meant was since you're not part of the diet group, you can participate in our after hours activities.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh, what, what kind of after hour activities?
Gretchen: Well, after our 6:30 round up and lock down for our larger passengers, we put away the celery and those disgusting choccie shakes and bring out the real food.
[reads from her clipboard]
Gretchen: Tonight is... Carnival, couscous and clothing-optional lambada.

Al: Now let me get this straight. At 6:30 you herd all the buffalos back to their cells, you lock them up, and then a wild orgy of scantily clad crew and us take over the ship?
Gretchen: Right! Uh, is that okay?
Al: [deliriously happy] Yes... It's fine!
Jefferson D'Arcy: [nearly in tears] Thank you.
Gretchen: Great! I'll see you guys there.


"Married with Children: Old Insurance Dodge (#7.24)" (1993)
Al: Someone stole my Dodge.
Marcy: Well it's your own fault for leaving it out front on garbage day. I'll bet somebody took it to start a new limousine service. You know, for those people who can't quite afford the luxury of Greyhound.
Jefferson: Or maybe they'll use it as a pace car in the Garbage Man 500.

Jefferson: They pay you for what's in the car as well. Now what did you have in the trunk?
Al: Parts of the carburetor left over from when I took it apart, a salami that I was aging.
Jefferson: No, Al, you tell them you had jewelry, paintings, cash.
Al: AND a salami.
Jefferson: Follow me, Al: *two* salamis.
Al: I think I'm starting to get your drift. I think I had a loaf of bread in there too.

Al: But how am I gonna tell this insurance guy that I forgot to say I had all that stuff?
Jefferson: Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How would they know it's as empty as your trunk?
Al: You're right. He doesn't know I'm an idiot.


"Married with Children: Shoeway to Heaven (#9.1)" (1994)
[Jefferson has just fallen though a crack in the shoe store wall into a back room]
Al Bundy: Jefferson! Are you okay?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oww, I think I got a little whiplash.
Al Bundy: I don't have any insurance.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh... well I don't have whiplash.

Jefferson D'Arcy: You wanna come over and see my new ivory-laced pool table?
Al Bundy: No, not tonight. I'm looking forward to a great night of sex.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I though Peggy was out of town.
Al Bundy: That's what makes it so good.

Jefferson D'Arcy: Look what I found behind this wall. Crates!
Al Bundy: I'll bet it could be Al Capone's treasure.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Why would Al Capone hide his treasure behind the wall of a woman's shoe store?
Al Bundy: I don't know. Maybe he was dating a disgused J. Edgar Hoover at the time.


"Married with Children: The Two That Got Away (#10.9)" (1995)
Al Bundy: Before I get to the main event, I would like to start this auction with a genuine photograph of the Loch Ness monster.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [looks at the photo] God, Al, that's horrific. What exactly is that?
Al Bundy: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't see a bathtub in there.
Al Bundy: Trust me Jefferson, it's under there somewhere.
Star Disher: [looks at the photo] That's not the Loch Ness monster. He's not that big.

Al Bundy: Jefferson, would you stop taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?
[two bussom blond ladies enter]
Al Bundy: Jefferson, would you start taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?
Helga: Willkimen! We are your Swedish masseuses. I'm Helga.
Inga: I'm Inga.
Al Bundy: [leering] And I'm Alga.
Jefferson D'Arcy: And I'm gaga.
Inga: May we carry your bags in for you?
Al Bundy: Jefferson, we died and went to the land of milk and... honeys!

Randolph: Mr. Bundy and Mr. D'Arcy? I'm Randolph the innkeeper. I've been trying to get ahold of you. I want to tell you that there's been a slight change in your cabin assignments.
Jefferson D'Arcy: What's the change?
Randolph: You don't have one.
Al Bundy: That's okay. We'll just bunk in with Helga and Inga.
Helga: Ja, sure.
Randolph: Helga, Inga, you're late for topless happy hour.
[Helga and Inga exit]
Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Randolph] Hey, you can't just bump us out of here. We made our reservation for this place over a year ago. Here's the paperwork with our confirmation number.
Randolph: [takes the paper from Jefferson and tears it in two; rude tone] So you did.
Al Bundy: Hey, why'd you do that? What's your problem?
Randolph: Let me explain something. You're nobodies and you have a reservation. Shannon Tweed is a famous actress and she doesn't have a reservation. Explanation over, now get off my property.


"Married with Children: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (#10.1)" (1995)
Jefferson: Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad: mirror ball on the ceiling, water bed on the floor, fake medical degrees on the wall. Oh God, I have fun at that place.
Marcy: Have? Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you?
Jefferson: Um... No. And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball.

Jefferson: Come on, Al, you should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man.
Al: My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole. Besides, as bad as this is, you just know that something worse is gonna happen. Don't you know all horrible things happen in threes: celebrity deaths, Pauly Shore movies, Wilson Phillips. In my own case: marrying Peg, Bud not moving out and, 3... 2... 1...
Peggy: Al, something horrible has happened.
Al: The hell you say.

Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes?
Al: Right here.
Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife.
Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.


"Married with Children: Frat Chance (#7.6)" (1992)
Marcy: Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle.
Al: Any hooters?
Marcy: It is a François LuMach film. He explores the mind.
Al: Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras".
Jefferson: Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women.

Peggy: I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt.
Marcy: I want sensitivity.
Jefferson: I want killings.
Al: I want boobies.
[They all start arguing]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
[Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin.
Kelly: You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy!


"Married with Children: Sleepless in Chicago (#9.8)" (1994)
Jefferson: I got a big problem, Al. Marcy hasn't let go of that Barbie doll since I gave it to her. I need you to do me a little favor.
[Al pulls a "Big 'Uns" from under the couch]
Al: Can I do it while I'm reading the magazine?
Jefferson: You know, that magazine still belongs to me until you've paid me for it.
Al: What is the favor?
Jefferson: I need you to sleep with Marcy.
[Al reacts by slapping Jefferson' arm with the magazine]
Jefferson: I don't mean "sleep" with her. Just lie next to her so I can have enough time to switch that Barbie with the regular Nurse Barbie. That 'Barbie-phile' we saw at the auction will give me $50,000 and the substitute. It'll just take an hour 'til I make the trade. How about it?
Al: But, Jefferson, Peg might wake up and notice me gone, and then it might ruin an otherwise... sickening marriage.

[after finding out that the Barbie doll Jefferson got for Marcy is worth $50,000]
Al: Jefferson, $50,000. Well, what are we going to do?
Jefferson: *We*...
[takes the doll from Al]
Jefferson: say 'goodbye' to you, and catch a plane to Aruba.


"Married with Children: No Ma'am (#8.9)" (1993)
Al: ...where bucks are enough to see their stuff
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Jefferson: ...where the breast may be fake, but man do they shake
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Bob Rooney: ...where you swear like a sailor, and wish you can nail her
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Al: ...where the cops are at the door and there's a Kennedy on the floor
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]

Al: Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.
[the men agree]
Bob Rooney: We've been called pigs.
Pete: We've been called scum.
Jefferson: We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Or at least I have.
Al: But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and perform television's first sexorcism.
[the men in the audience cheered as a tied up and gagged, Jerry Springer looks shocked and tries to move his chair away]
Al: Tell them what thist is Jefferson.
Jefferson: [removes mask] My name's Hank.
Al: Right. Sorry Hank
Jefferson: That's ok Al.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.
[Jim reveals a stinky yellow under shrit and Pete shows a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."]
Jefferson: A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."
[the men cheered as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]
Jefferson: It's All Me boxers are coutesy of Bob Rooney.
[Bob corrects him]
Jefferson: I mean Dirk Rooney. Back to you A, Clyde. The hell.
Al: Demand one, you gals want a ladies night, try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man.
Al: [the men cheered and Jerry rolls his eyes] Demand two, don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.
[cheering]
Al: Demand three, don't ask us to talk or cuddle after sex, or before sex or during sex. You're lucky we take our pants off.
Bob Rooney: You take your pants off, how you get them over your shoes.
Jefferson: Demand four, don't ask us to say "I love you" over the phone. It's hard enough to say it to someone we're paying a minute to talk to.
Pete: Demand five, Stop talking about Fabio.
Al: Anyway those are our fve demands. We had five more, but someone couldn't blow his nose without a hankey.


"Married with Children: She's Having a Baby: Part 1 (#6.1)" (1991)
Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Jefferson: My uterus hurts.


"Married with Children: You Better Shop Around: Part 2 (#5.22)" (1991)
[Al and Peg are competing with Marcy and Jefferson for a shopping spree]
Jefferson: Drop dead!
Peggy: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dust!
Al: Grow hair!

Al: [Jefferson reaches for a box but Al stops him] That's my douche!
Jefferson: Oh yeah? Well you touched my girlie fizz.
[Al tries to grab the box]
Jefferson: Damn it, Al, now we're both men. There's enough in feminine hygene for the both of us.


"Married with Children: Look Who's Barking (#5.14)" (1991)
[Al is waiting eagerly for a cheesecake from a Wisconsin restaurant. The doorbell rings, and he opens it to Steve and Marcy]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [exhales] Well, we're back...
Jefferson D'Arcy: [exhales] We got it, you wouldn't believe the trouble...
[Al has already grabbed the cheesecake and shut the door on them. As he goes to the table, they storm in]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Do you know what hell we went through to get you that cheesecake? We had to make a two-day trek through the backwoods of Wisconsin's cheese country! Living off cheese wine... nibbling on cheese bread... having to make cheap cheese love... and we almost got lost a thousand times!
Al Bundy: Well, that's why I sent Peg with you as a guide.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, thanks so much for sending your wife on our honeymoon. Without her playing pinochle with us every night, we don't know what we would have done.

[Al takes his first bite of the cheesecake... and spits it out]
Al Bundy: This is a horrible hoax! This isn't an authentic Chuck's Cheesebowl cherry cheesecake! You went to the wrong place!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I don't think there are a lot of Chuck's Cheesebowl's in Tunoose, Wisconsin... just a "belch and a holler!" from Wanker County. Where we met so many nice people who said wise things like, "I gots my own teeth!"
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, and, uh, "I'll trade you my sister for your Bic lighter."
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh yes, we had such a nice time. We must show you the slides of me getting fondled at the gas station by something that was half-man, half-owl.
Kelly Bundy: Dad, they met Cousin Hooty!


"Married with Children: Buck Has a Belly Ache (#6.6)" (1991)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well... nobody better pull my finger.

Jefferson D'Arcy: My uterus hurts.


"Married with Children: I Can't Believe It's Butter (#10.14)" (1995)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?
Al Bundy: Great idea. To the nudie bar.
Bob Rooney: Where Christmas is nice...
Al Bundy: And lap dances are half-price.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Ike: Where you drink down the shooters...
Officer Dan: And unwrap the hooters.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Where eggnog's a plenty...
Griff: And the girls are all 20.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!

Jefferson: Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless.


"Married with Children: Kelly's Gotta Habit (#11.3)" (1996)
Jefferson: [watching the opening credits of "Married... With Children" on TV] You believe that show is still on the air?
Al: It's a classic, I love it. Except for those stupid neighbors.

Al: Man, I love "Cops". Definitely the best show on Fox. Showing the American justice system at work. Beating the crap out of people before judges let 'em go. Almost makes me want to pay taxes.
Jefferson: Or vote.


"Married with Children: A Little Off the Top (#8.12)" (1993)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, how ya feelin' Al?
[Al grumbles]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Cranky, huh old buddy? Yeah, I kind of know how you feel. I had to get circumcised myself once.
Al: [curious tone] How'd you deal with the pain?
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't remember. I was only one day old.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hey, Stubby. We head about what happened to you so I got you a card.
[reads from the card]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: We heard about your little loss, we hope you'll make it through. Because thankfully the part they took was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like the good news is that another quarter inch would have been a full lopotomay. And P.S...
[Marcy chackles once againg in her chicken-sounding voice, and then exits]
Al: [to Kelly and Bud] Kids, whenever you get a card like this, it must always be returned with a "thank you" card. Would you please go and key one in the side of Marcy's car?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Kelly and Bud as they walk out] Hey, wait a minute! You kids do realize that Marcy's car is the red Mercedes?


"Married with Children: Death of a Shoe Salesman (#7.10)" (1992)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hi. We were just wondering, do you know where Seven is?
Peggy Bundy: No.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, let me put your minds to rest. He's been living with just for the past three days. He walked in when you left for that Hawaii/Rock of Ages thing and now doesn't want to leave.
Jefferson D'Arcy: He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write, or use a knife and fork, but he has learned to chant "kill the Bundys" with us and and the other neighbors.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: If you don't mind, we were thinking about renaming him Henry, after my father.
Peggy Bundy: [shrugs] Sure, that's okay.
Al Bundy: [shrugs] What do we care? Do what you want.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls us Dad and Little Dad.

Peggy Bundy: Al doesn't want to be buried next to me. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, yes. I think that the vows of marriage are sacried. That's when I die, I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh, my name is Jefferson. And I'm your husband now, and by the way, we are not in bed so there's no excuse for calling me Steve. He is your ex-husband.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, don't take it personally. Every woman scream out "Steve" during sex. Don't they, Peggy?
Peggy Bundy: Not me. It's too long a name.


"Married with Children: Twisted (#11.1)" (1996)
Radio Announcer: [voice] Well, it's not over yet folks. That tornado that hit Cook County is expected to double back at force five.
Al: Force five? F5? That's five times stronger than the last one!
[both Peggy and Marcy are fixing themselves up by putting on makeup]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Dear God, no! I can't live through that again.
Al: Oh... the darkness, the cold... the awful suction!
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'm not talking about the tornado, Al.
Al: Neither am I!

Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, I know we swore on a stack of Big 'Uns that we would keep the secret way out a secret, but...
Al: I think you're right, Jefferson. This is a matter of life... or sex.


"Married with Children: How Bleen Was My Kelly (#10.5)" (1995)
Bob Rooney: Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen group with the horrible urge to do the girlfriend thing with the wife?
Ike: The other day, I carried my wife across the threshold. I told her I loved her. I even had foreplay.
Griff: Hey, so what? Last night I pleasured my ex-wife... and payed her back alimony!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, well that's nothing. Last night while I was making love to Marcy, I was fantasizing about... Marcy.

Al Bundy: Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma. By marketing Bleen, we will make millions. Well... I will. But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on, bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Then it's settled. We can't sell Bleen otherwise we'll be hated across the world as much as that guy who discovered the G-spot.
Bob Rooney: Hey, who was that guy anyway?
Ike: I don't know. Kenny G?


"Married with Children: Psychic Avengers (#6.19)" (1992)
Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?

Jefferson: Madam Inga has called up all the dark forces of Sweden against you.
Al: What's going to happen? I wake up one morning owning a Volvo? Spend the rest of my life as a skier? Or worse, wake up one morning next to a tall Nordic beauty with big honkers?
[sarcastically]
Al: OH, NO!


"Married with Children: The D'Arcy Files (#8.20)" (1994)
Al Bundy: Walter Traugett came into the shoe store today and told me you were a spy. He offered me $50,000 if I turned you in over to him.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Did you? Did you tell him who I was? Where I was living?
Al Bundy: Do I look like I'm in Rio without the wife and kids? Then again, there is always a plane leaving at six if you'd care to level with me.

Jefferson: You're a Bundy and if you put a D where the N is, you're a buddy.
Al: And if you put an N where the D is, I'm a bunny. What's your point?


"Married with Children: Hood in the Boyz (#8.2)" (1993)
Jefferson: Al, have you ever read the book, "The Man is Always Right"?
Al: No, the wife wouldn't let me.

Jefferson: What will you tell Peg?
Al: Same thing I always tell her:
[Checks to make sure Peg is not around]
Al: That what I do is none of her damn business.


"Married with Children: Sofa So Good (#8.14)" (1994)
Kelly: Oh please let this be easy. Please, please, please.
Jefferson: This is not going to be easy.

Jefferson: This may come as a surprise to you, but your couch wasn't exactly a popular item.
Bud: How many were made? 1,000? 500?
Jefferson: Two.
Kelly: How many did they sell?
Jefferson: One.
Kelly: Great. Then all we have to do is find the one they sold. How hard could that be?
Bud: [Giving Kelly a look] Boy when your looks go, you're dead. You're dead.


"Married with Children: England Show I (#6.24)" (1992)
Jefferson: Now relax, babe, it's your good fortune to be married to a criminal, and an inveterate liar. I'll come up with a scheme and it's going to have to be pretty special because the British are a bit more sophisticated than the Americans... I've got it. It's brilliant!
[Jefferson has Marcy stand perfectly still and hold a sign that says, "Have Picture Taken With Cardboard American"]

[hiding in a back alley in London]
Marcy D'Arcy: Any more bright ideas, Mr. A-little-counterfeiting-never-hurt-anyone?
Jefferson: As God as my witness, I thought Michael Caine's picture was on the £5 note.
Marcy D'Arcy: It's the Queen!
Jefferson: Just our luck, we run into the one guy who can tell the difference.


"Married with Children: The Legend of Ironhead Haynes (#8.23)" (1994)
Al: What we need to do is find someone who can tell us how to fight this insanity.
Roger: That's right. We need a man's man.
Bob Rooney: Someone who always calls his own shots.
Jefferson D'Arcy: A leader to lead us through the 90's.
Officer Dan: A man among men.
Bob Rooney, Roger, Barney, Officer Dan: Ironhead Haynes!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Who's Ironhead Haynes?
Al: The gruffest, toughest man to ever graduate from Polk High.
Roger: He had a beard in the 7th Grade, and a wife.
Officer Dan: Took out his own appendix with a Pocket Fisherman's knife.
Al: He could have been a great football player for Polk High. But he refused to take off his spurs.
Jefferson D'Arcy: We wore cowboy boots while playing football?
Al: No boots. Just spurs.

Al: [reading Ironhead Haynes' Nine Commandments] Rule number one: it's okay to all hooters knockers and sometimes snack trays. Rule Two: it is wrong to be French. Rule Three: it is okay to put all bad people into a giant meat grinder. Rule Four: lawyers... see Rule Three. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes. Everyone should car pool except me. Bring back the word 'stewardesses'. Synchronized swimming for women is not a sport. Mud wrestling for women is a sport. Those are your Ten Commandments.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, that's only nine.
Al: Oh... these are your Nine Commandments.


"Married with Children: Get the Dodge Out of Hell (#9.17)" (1995)
Mikey: Do you realize that for being caught in the women's restroom, we're going to dock you a week's pay?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [sarcastically] Well there goes that yacht I was gonna buy.
Mikey: You're already on thin ice, Mr. Ivy League pervert in the bathroom looking up women's skirts. Now I don't want anymore shenanigans out of you. I want you buffin' the next thing that comes out of here.
[Al walks out of the car wash]

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Jefferson doesn't need to make a lot of money. I'm happy with him just the way he is.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [whines] Marcy, I got soap in my eyes.


"Married with Children: How Green Was My Apple (#8.16)" (1994)
[the Bundy's driveway is on the D'Arcy's property line. Marcy and Jefferson have set up a toll booth]
Marcy: We'll be happy to let Al use it, won't we Jefferson?
Jefferson: Sure, as long as he pays the toll.
Al: What's the toll?
Marcy: $1,500, exact change please.
Al: $1,500? Are you crazy?
Jefferson: [cocks rifle] Who you callin' crazy, Punk?
Al: Uh... Your wife.

[after Al lifts up the D'Arcy's house causing Jefferson to slid off his bed and into a wall in the tilting house, Jefferson angrily picks up a telephone and dials a number]
Jefferson: [into the phone] Hello, Fred? Jefferson D'Arcy. Say, does your son still have that rocket launcher?
[cut to the Bundy's house being blown up by a rocket hit]


"Married with Children: Blonde and Blonder (#10.8)" (1995)
[Al, Peggy, Jefferson and Marcy are playing a Twister board game]
Peggy: All right Al, left hand on blue.
Al: [thinking to himself; voice-over] What is it about this game that's so sexy? I'm touching Peg's rear, and for some reason, it feels pretty good.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [voice-over] I feel someone touching my rear. I think it's Al. Well, he's not as strong as Marcy, but at least he knows what I like.
Peggy: [voice-over] Wow, I like this game with all these hands across my back and grouping my tush. This is just like sex except I have a partner.
Marcy: [voice-over] Oh, I hate this game. Nobody's touching my rear and it's way way up in the air!

Marcy: So Peggy, do you have any other kids' things?
Peggy: Well, we have those child safety seats in the garage that we never put into the car.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Why not?
Al: Well, we found that it was much easier to just leave the kids at home.


"Married with Children: A Bundy Thanksgiving (#11.6)" (1996)
Peggy Bundy: [as Kelly mourns the death of Hank the turkey] Honey, it was an accident.
Marcy D'Arcy: Right.
Jefferson D'Arcy: It wasn't your fault.
Boy: [the doorbell rings, Budd opens to the door to find a kid] Hi. Mr. McGinty told me you found my turkey. Where is he?
[a look of doom spreads across Budd's face as he turns to the others]
Peggy Bundy, Marcy D'Arcy, Jefferson D'Arcy: [pointing accusingly at Kelly] She killed him!


"Married with Children: Ship Happens (#9.20)" (1995)
Gilbert Gottfried: So, I'm on a cruise. My agent says to me, "go on a cruise. You don't have to follow Sid Plank. You don't have to follow Carrot Top. And, you get to eat with the captain." Well some turn this is. Am I eating with the captain? Am I eating? Am I on a cruise anymore? Somebody get my agent!
Al Bundy: Somebody get me a spear gun!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Come on, Al. I think Gilbert is funny.
Al Bundy: Make that two spear guns!


"Married with Children: Driving Mr. Boondy (#9.2)" (1994)
Marcy: You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number?
Jefferson: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it?


"Married with Children: The Egg and I (#6.17)" (1992)
[Marcy pulls apart Steve and Jefferson fighting after meeting each other for the first time]
Steve: He's your husband? Were you hurt so bad when I divorced you, you'd marry "this"? Whoa, the desperation!
Jefferson D'Arcy: This is the mighty Steve? The one you used to throw in my face? The one who, "wasn't much to look at, but at least he has a job."
Steve: Oh, you gigolos make me sick. Just because a man divoces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back. So you can pack up your hair and profile. And find another heartbroken, discarded, middle-agged woman to marry, and leave us decent folk to our happy home.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Pardon me, Yogi. You're not welcome here. Marcy has a real man now.
Steve: Is that right? According to my watch, it's 10:22 PM. When I was married to her, we were never sleeping at 10:22.
Jefferson D'Arcy: She's just resting. She's been on the tilt-a-whirl since 6:00 PM.


"Married with Children: Valentine's Day Massacre (#8.17)" (1994)
Bud: Dad, tell Kelly I found Crystal Brooks. She's performing here in town and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel. I'm gonna go see her and set things straight. Ha ha, witchy woman. Bite me.
Al Bundy: Did you get that?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh yeah, he wants Emperor Crystal to bite him.


"Married with Children: 25 Years and What Do You Get? (#9.18)" (1995)
Jefferson: Diamond necklace?
Al: All part of my master plan to avoid having sex with the wife. See, first I take her to Denny's. She stuffs herself so full of popcorn shrimp, she lists to one side. And just before she's ready to belch "I love you," I lay this on her. Between the combination of shrimp, necklace - and the NyQuil Mickey I'll be slipping in her piña colada - she'll be unconscious, I'll be home watching midget wrestling, and the only hand down my pants will be my own.


"Married with Children: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked (#9.14)" (1995)
Al Bundy: Here's the plan. We are only going to take our wives there on Thursdays.
Charlie: But Al, Thursday night is our bowling night.
Al Bundy: That's right. And why do we always go bowling on Thursday night? Because at the Jiggly Room, Thursday night is always...
Bob Rooney: A-cup night!
Jefferson D'Arcy: There's not a single Dr. Yummy in the whole house!
Al Bundy: Hence, we won't get excited.
Bob Rooney: But what if we do?
Al Bundy: Well, try to imagine Jefferson's wife up on stage with no clothes on.
Bob Rooney: What if that doesn't work?
Al Bundy: Then try to imagine Jefferson himself up on stage with no clothes on.
Ike: What if that doesn't work?
[everyone stares oddly at Ike]
Al Bundy: Then you're out of the club.


"Married with Children: Damn Bundys (#11.20)" (1997)
Jefferson D'Arcy: [after Al drops dead on the football field] What's he doing?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, my God. He's either dead or having sex.


"Married with Children: Kiss of the Coffee Woman (#10.25)" (1996)
[Al comes home from work]
Al: All right that's it, I've had it. I'm sick of coming home, seeing you holding down the couch, watching Oprah, and stuffing your face full of bon-bons. Now, you either get your lazy ass into the kitchen and cook me a meal, or get out.
[Jefferson is sitting on the couch in place of Peggy]
Jefferson: Come on, Al. Marcy won't take me back until I have a job. If you kick me out too, where will I go?
Al: Don't know, don't care.


"Married with Children: The Stepford Peg (#11.10)" (1997)
Jefferson: OK, Al. I'm here.
[sniffing the air]
Jefferson: Hey, hey. Do I smell... food?
Al: [walking over to him] Jefferson, my man, I've got more food stuck in my teeth than my colon's seen in many a year.
Jefferson: Thanks for sharing that, Al.
Al: Oh, I'm not sharing it.


"Married with Children: Bearly Men (#10.12)" (1995)
Al Bundy: Hey Marcy, did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: He's not dead you chucklehead. He just violated my Mercedes!
Peggy Bundy: How do you know?
[Jefferson enters looking deshelveled and wide-eyed]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Because we were in it.
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, are you okay?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, I'm all right. A little in shock and jealous.
Peggy Bundy: Jealous?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, you should have seen him go and go and go. My God, if a car could smile. One thing I know for sure. Tonight, Jefferson, we're playing Buick and the Beast.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] I... I... I... I don't know Marcy. I might need some counselling. And, I think you may have to do all the work for a while.


"Married with Children: Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 1 (#11.4)" (1996)
Jefferson: Aw, Cuba. Sultry, seductive Cuba. Where the jungles are easy and the women are easy to hide in. Uh...


"Married with Children: No Chicken, No Check (#8.6)" (1993)
Al: Jefferson, tell them what they can get for $800.
Jefferson: Well, for $800 you can get a nice car.
Kelly: Really, Mr. D'Arcy? You know where we can get a car for $800?
Marcy: At the auto auction where they sell cars they've confiscated from criminals and drug dealers. Of course, the cars have some minor problems like bullet holes in the trunk; but you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge.
Al: There's no bullet holes in my car, but that could change if I could persuade you to get into the trunk.


"Married with Children: Business Still Sucks (#9.6)" (1994)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, aren't you afraid that Gary will find out that you turned this into a men's shoe store?
Al: Who's Gary?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [chuckles] You know, Gary of "Gary's Shoes".
Al: Jefferson, I've worked here twenty years...
[Al stops in the mid-sentence, frowning]
Al: Twenty years? Where the hell has my life gone? But anyway, I've never even seen Gary. I don't even know if Gary exists. But you know, I've never been this happy for years. Let me sit back and revel in it.
[Al leans back in the armchair, calm and relaxed. Bud just finished talking on the phone]
Bud: Dad? It was Gary's office on the phone. Gary's flying in the day after tomorrow to take a personal look at the store.
[Al nods, suddenly doesn't look so relaxed]


"Married with Children: Christmas (#7.12)" (1992)
Marcy, Jefferson, Kids: [singing] Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be. With hair in his nose and rot on his toes / He's as bald as he can be; Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be/He's into old age, making minimum wage / He's as bald as he can be.


"Married with Children: Enemies (#10.23)" (1996)
Marcy D'Arcy: Yo there, bro...
[George turns around looking stunned]
Marcy D'Arcy: we're new to the 'hood.
[George continues to look surprised at Jefferson and Marcy]
Marcy D'Arcy: What can you recommend?
George: The hamburgers.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, well, uh, we were hoping for something a little bit more, uh...
[snaps his fingers a few times]
Jefferson D'Arcy: down home!
Marcy D'Arcy: You know, like collard greens, ox-tails, moon pies.
George: I'm glad you've seen "Martin." But here, we serve... hamburgers!
[drops the burgers in front of the D'Arcys]
Marcy D'Arcy: Listen, homes...
[George gets the befuddled look on his face again]
Marcy D'Arcy: if you insist on dissing your customers in that manner, then we are just going to have to ease on down that road.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Wooooooord!
George: Well, then, I guess you want your order to go.
[dumps the food and drinks in a paper bag and Jefferson takes it]
Marcy D'Arcy: Your mama!


"Married with Children: 'Til Death Do Us Part (#7.22)" (1993)
Al Bundy: Seriously Peg, you weren't satisfied by my performance in bed last night?
Peggy Bundy: Well, let's just say that I used to call you "the Minute Man". Now, I long for thoese days. But Marcy was very comforting. She said with you, the sooner it's over the better.
Al Bundy: You told Marcy about us?
[Marcy and Jefferson enter both giggling]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, Al. You want to throw around the football a little bit? Uh! There... we done?
Al Bundy: I think she may have told him!


"Married with Children: Dud Bowl (#9.10)" (1994)
Al Bundy: Hey Number 56, you don't look like Morty Fishbine.
Lawrence Taylor: Well, I am you schmuck!
Al Bundy: Who would think little Morty Fishbine would grow up to look like Lawrence Taylor?
Speedy: And if that's something, Eddie Yim grew up to look like Bubba Smith.
Bubba Smith: Shut up! Don't call me that!
Al Bundy: Same old Eddie, except now he appears to be a giant black man now.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, I'd swear that's Rod Martin, Hacksaw Reynolds, and Kenny Stabler over there!
Al Bundy: Jefferson, there is nobody over there but pink punks. And what do Polk High Panthers do to pink punks?
Al's Teammates: Pulverise the powder puffs!
Al Bundy: Let's rock.


"Married with Children: Birthday Boy Toy (#11.19)" (1997)
Jefferson: How am I going to pay for this?
Marcy: Three words.
Jefferson: I love you?
Marcy: Try again.
Jefferson: Hop on Pop?
Marcy: Get a job.
[Peg and Jefferson gape in horror]


"Married with Children: Flight of the Bumblebee (#10.7)" (1995)
[NO MA'AM is planning to attend a pro wrestling event]
Jefferson: Main event featuring 'King Kong' Bundy. Hey, Al, is he a relative of yours?
Al: No, but we're letting him use Peg's nickname.


"Married with Children: Luck of the Bundys (#8.4)" (1993)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, Kel. Break a leg.
Kelly Bundy: Pass a stone.


"Married with Children: Lookin' for a Desk in All the Wrong Places (#6.5)" (1991)
Al: My God, she has you running like a Frenchman through a thunderstorm!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Come on, Al. You think I'm afraid of Marcy? I'm the man in this marriage and I can do anything I want. Just last month, I stopped payment on the storage locker that Marcy has a lease on downtown, took the money and went to the horse race track to gamble it all away. Now, does that sound like a man who's afraid of his wife?
Al: What do you think Marcy is gonna do when she finds out? The storage locker company terminates your lease and sells all your items when they don't get paid.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'm a con man, a thief and a gigilo. Marcy will never find out. She never goes down there.
Marcy D'Arcy: [walks up to the guys] Jefferson, can I borrow the keys to the storage unit?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [whispering to Al] Watch me con my way out of this one.
[to Marcy, feining ignorance]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh... what storage unit?
Marcy D'Arcy: Storage unit Number 319 where I keep my precious and irreplacable baby furniture. Can I have the keys? I want to show Peggy some of it.
Al: [smirks; whispering to Jefferson] Good night, sweet prince.
[Al backs away as Jefferson is clearly getting nervous]
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson? The keys.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] Uh... Marcy, did I ever tell you that I love you? You are the most precious thing in my life.
Marcy D'Arcy: [suspicious] What did you do to my precious and irreplaceable baby furniture that mean more to me than ten of you?


"Married with Children: The Weaker Sex (#10.6)" (1995)
Al: [Peg has beaten up a mugger] Jefferson, this can't continue! Everyone will think I'm a nerd!
Jefferson: Technically, Al; you're not smart enought to be a nerd. You're more a pantywaister or a limp-wristed sissy boy.


"Married with Children: She's Having a Baby: Part 2 (#6.2)" (1991)
Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, listen, I'm already done with the first trimester. Now what if what's left is all good, and we miss out on it?
Al: [laughing] You know, I'm finally starting to understand how she got you. Let me explain something to you. There is no such thing as a trimester. There's actually just one long forty year-mester. Except when they're pregnant, you get what I call the mini-mester. You've got your fat-mester and your puke-mester, and lord in heaven, you got your horny-mester.
Bartender: [lifts his glass] That's when I left.


"Married with Children: The Hood, the Bud & the Kelly: Part 1 (#10.15)" (1996)
[Installing a satellite dish]
Jefferson: Okay, I've inserted Screw S into Walsher T. Dan, hand me Screw U.
Officer Dan: What did you say?
Jefferson: I said Screw U.
Officer Dan: [Drawing gun] Up yours!


"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad (#9.12)" (1994)
Psycho Dad: [Reading Al's letter] "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"
Jefferson: Barbara Eden?
Bob Rooney: She's 1,000.
Al: I didn't mean now.


"Married with Children: Banking on Marcy (#8.5)" (1993)
[watching Marcy making moans during her banking speech]
Peggy Bundy: Jefferson, have you ever seen Marcy do this before?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Not in public. Unless you count the skyway tram at Disneyland.
Peggy Bundy: You mean she's about to have an o...
Jefferson D'Arcy: [interupting] Big time! It must be that hypno-therapautic transfer thing that Dr. Angela told her about. I just hope that she's near the end of her speach.
[Marcy lets off a big simulated lovemaking moan]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I guess not.


"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 3 (#11.16)" (1997)
[first lines]
[Al has a bruse on his face from being punched earlier in the previous episode]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, Al that's a beaut.
Griff: I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife that she was starting to look like Al Roker.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, it look's like Marcy was right. She said that it was only a matter of time before some young woman beat the holy hell out of you.
Al Bundy: I'll have you know that I got this black eye last night, explaining to a jealous boyfriend how his little lady would rather stay with me.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, where is she?
Al Bundy: I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed. This one has a leak and I worry when she bounces. So, you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine with the ladies. That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane, but he's doing wheelies in it, baby!
[Jefferson exits]
Griff: Is it true. Al? About the girl?
Al Bundy: Every word of it. Except that the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him, and now there's an odor coming from that waterbed that scares even me!


"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 2 (#11.15)" (1997)
Griff: [seeing Marcy approach] You're busted!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Her bust? Yeah, isn't it great? If Marcy had headlights like these I wouldn't be going to traffic school!


"Married with Children: Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 2 (#11.5)" (1996)
Jefferson: This is my wife.
[shows Fidel a picture of Marcy]
Fidel Castro: You married the kid from Home Improvement?
Jefferson: [studies the picture] I guess I did. Oh well, she buys me things.
Fidel Castro: So did Russia, and look what that got us!


"Married with Children: Rites of Passage (#6.16)" (1992)
Jefferson: We were being so nostalgic that I... bought a '65 Mustang.
Marcy: You bought a '65 Mustang? When are you going to get a job to drive it to?
Jefferson: I look in the papers, it's just that by the time I get up all the good jobs are taken.


"Married with Children: Route 666: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1991)
[last lines]
[the gang are siting on a beach]
TV Announcer: [on radio] And in this latest news headline under the heading "Isn't that Bizarre?" Today's story comes from New Mexico, where an insane inbred family, a man with two wives and three sons, held up and robbed a group of tourists... leaving them with cash and diamonds. All the family said they wanted was gold. They reportedly stole an old Dodge from a prospector who looked like an old John Byner. They were last seen heading west towards Los Angeles. If you see any of them, do not approach them. They are insane, unbathed and dangerous.
Al Bundy: What time is it, gang?
[They all look at their gold wristwatches]
Al Bundy, Kelly Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Marcy D'Arcy, Bud Bundy, Jefferson D'Arcy: [happily] Five after three!


"Married with Children: Take My Wife, Please (#8.7)" (1993)
Marcy D'Arcy: I'm giving next door a charity benefit for this group of women who have murdered their own husbands just to watch them die. And I've invited over a famous group over, the Village People. They were huge. They sold millions. They just called collect to say they're delayed and may not make it. So, as a favor for me, I'd like all of you to come over to the party...
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I thought she was going to ask us to dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Marcy D'Arcy: And dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Kelly Bundy: That's insane.
Peggy Bundy: We couldn't possibly pull that off.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, now what kind of idiot would set himself up for a suicide mission like that?
[Jefferson enters wearng skin-tight black leather as the Leatherman]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't know about this, Marcy. Are you sure the Leatherman wears pants this tight? The cow these came from couldn't walk in this leather.
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, there are women at our house who have killed their own husbands just for saying "where's my bacon?" Now, do you want to be the one to tell them that there's no Village People?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [terrified] No.
Marcy D'Arcy: Now, go oil your pecs and get macho.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'll oil my pecs, but no way I'm getting macho. I've got my dignity.


"Married with Children: If Al Had a Hammer (#6.3)" (1991)
Jefferson: Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked.
Al: Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.


"Married with Children: A Man for No Seasons (#9.11)" (1994)
Al: Brother Jefferson will now read the minutes from our last meeting.
Jefferson: 8:01... 8:02, 8:03, 8:04...


"Married with Children: Live Nude Peg (#11.17)" (1997)
Iqbal: And now a man whose selfless devotion to nudity is an inspiration to us all, Al Bundy!
Al Bundy: Thank you. Tonight's contestants will be judged by two categories, the left one and the right one.
Jefferson D'Arcy: And in the event of a tie, the winner will be decided by peanut butter wrestling.
Griff: Oh there will be a tie and Griff's got the Jif.


"Married with Children: Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#7.8)" (1992)
Wayne: Hey, didn't you take my picture once while I was on a pleasure cruise? I think Florence Henderson was on there too.
Jefferson D'Arcy: You think if I'm really that good-looking guy from "The Love Boat" you really think I'd be doing this? I'd be rich. Would you like another picture Captain... err... I mean Fonzie... err... I mean Al?