Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
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Quotes for
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

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"Married with Children: Married... with Who (#5.12)" (1991)
[Marcy identifies herself as Jefferson's wife]
Jefferson: By the way, my name is Jefferson.
Marcy: I'm Marcy.
Al: Yeah, I'm Al, so now that the Beatles have been reunited, you can get the hell out of here!

[Al let slip at Jefferson and Marcy's wedding that he was in prison]
Jefferson: Listen, Al, I just dropped by to thank you for utterly betraying my trust. It was malicious and foul, but I think it's gonna turn out to be a blessing. I mean, it helps get our marriage off on an honest, healthy, harmonious start.

Marcy: It's just that I can hardly believe that I'm now mrs...
[Stalls, and turns towards Jefferson]
Marcy: Darling. What's your last name?
Jefferson: D'Arcy
Marcy: [Turn slowly back towards Peggy] ... Marcy D'Arcy... I'm now MARCY D'ARCY! What have I've done. Maybe I should start wearing little dresses with dots on them

Marcy: All I know is I woke up this morning with a man in my bed. I don't even know who he is.
Al: Well, that's easy, he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth.

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife?
[notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and a bored Kelly]
Jefferson: [takes Kelly] Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
Kelly: Bye, daddy.
Peggy: [takes Jefferson's hand] No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife! NOW we can go back to bed.
Marcy: Oh, shut up! It's me, it's me!

"Married with Children: At the Zoo (#4.10)" (1989)
Marcy Rhoades: Thanks for bringing me here, Al. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I usually pride myself being a lady at all times.
[to the bartender in a rude tone]
Marcy Rhoades: Hey, lard butt! A couple of brewskis over here!

Al Bundy: Hey guys, a toast! To the working man. The last American hero. Right guys?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] Right!
Al Bundy: We work to make a living, and what do we get?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] Squat!
Al Bundy: And what else?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] Nothing!
Al Bundy: Then why do we go on?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] We're stupid!

Marcy Rhoades: You know what really frosts my weenie? They don't care how they look. Right guys?
Norris: Well, I can't complain. At least I live with a woman who has a job like me, makes me dinner, and doesn't mind rubbing my feet after a hard day.
Al Bundy: Yeah, but your mom's getting kind of old.

TV News Anchor: And to close, we have a story about a true moron. Tonight, an unemployed househusband and self-described man of nature, thinking that the last Caribbean pygmy turtle born in captivity was unhappy, broke into the zoo aquarium, stole the turtle, and released it into Lake Michigan. Aparently, this man of nature didn't know that it was a saltwater turtle. Witnesses reported that the turtle, Bosco, tried valiantly to crawl back out of the water, only to be thrown back in by this deranged unemployed man, standing on the bank singing "Born Free". Bosco will be missed.
[a photo of a turtle with the caption: 'Bosco, 1901-1989' is shown on the TV screen]
TV News Anchor: Bail for this insane man has been set at $25,000. Not nearly enough in this reporter's opinion.
Marcy Rhoades: [looks at the $25,000 check she has] Ah, well. I guess I know what I have to do.
Al Bundy: You gonna go bail him out?
Marcy Rhoades: Let him rot. I'm gonna buy myself a new Jag.

"Married with Children: Im-Po-Dent (#2.19)" (1988)
Peggy: Marcy what is it?
Marcy: Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT.
[Steve walks in]
Al: Hey Steve. What's up? OOPS!

Marcy: Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk around.

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
Peggy: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
Peggy: My God, you are like Steve.

Al: You know, Al, there may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is - wherever it is - I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: ...Yes.

"Married with Children: Blonde and Blonder (#10.8)" (1995)
[Al and Peggy are playfully shooting each other with Nerf Ball guns]
Marcy: What is going on here?
Al: Foreplay.
Peggy: No, this can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying it.
Al: And, I'm in the room.

Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing in here?
Al: [misunderstands Marcy] I don't know, you married him.
[he and Jefferson laughs as Marcy is mad]
Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

[Al, Peggy, Jefferson and Marcy are playing a Twister board game]
Peggy: All right Al, left hand on blue.
Al: [thinking to himself; voice-over] What is it about this game that's so sexy? I'm touching Peg's rear, and for some reason, it feels pretty good.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [voice-over] I feel someone touching my rear. I think it's Al. Well, he's not as strong as Marcy, but at least he knows what I like.
Peggy: [voice-over] Wow, I like this game with all these hands across my back and grouping my tush. This is just like sex except I have a partner.
Marcy: [voice-over] Oh, I hate this game. Nobody's touching my rear and it's way way up in the air!

Marcy: So Peggy, do you have any other kids' things?
Peggy: Well, we have those child safety seats in the garage that we never put into the car.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Why not?
Al: Well, we found that it was much easier to just leave the kids at home.

"Married with Children: She's Having a Baby: Part 1 (#6.1)" (1991)
Peggy: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Al: Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy: That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Al: Once my kids leave the house, I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard. God I feel good.
Peggy: Honey?
Al: Yes?
Peggy: Guess what?
Al: What?
Marcy: How far along are you?
Peggy: Five months.
Al: Five months?
Peggy: Al, didn't you notice that I was getting fat?
Al: Well... yeah.

Marcy: Guess what? We're going to have a new addition to our family.
Al: Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?

"Married with Children: And Bingo Was Her Game-O (#9.22)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Can you please tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al Bundy: Pretty women makes us BUY beer. Ugly women makes us DRINK beer.

[Peggy and Marcy are in another taxi driven by a one-eyed Arab driver speeding very fast]
Abdula: I find driving to be a very Zen experience. I think the faster you go, the faster you get there.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Yeah, I never knew that a GEO Metro can go 140 miles per hour!

[Peggy and Marcy are being driven by a mechanical-looking taxi driver]
Elmo: Sorry for the bumpy ride, folks. It's hard to steer when your comming off drugs. Hey, look out!
[the taxi shakes from a metalic thud]
Elmo: Damn jogger!
Peggy Bundy: Don't you think you should turn on your headlights?
Elmo: No, but feel free to turn on yours!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [to Peggy] We should report him. What's his name?
[reads from the ID on the dashboard]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Dan Rostenkowski?

"Married with Children: You Better Shop Around: Part 1 (#5.21)" (1991)
[the Bundys cut Marcie in line and won a 1,000,000th customer shopping spree]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [to the check-out lady] Hey! I was the next in line!
Al Bundy: What are you complaining about? You still are.

Al: Marcy, get I get in front of you? I only need to buy a stick of gum.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Eat hot death, loser!
Al: [looks at a magazine stand] Oh, the National Enquirer. Look at this, "Steve Rhoades marries Cher."
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Where? Where?

Al: Oh miss, I think you dropped something.
Nibbles: Oh.
[bends over, showing cleavage]
Nibbles: Thank you market dweller.
Kelly Bundy: Dad? Dad? Daddy.
Al: What?
Kelly Bundy: Do you *want* anything?
Al: Why, yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons...
[sees Marcy]
Al: and a plucked chicken.
Marcy D'Arcy: I thought I smelled shoes.

"Married with Children: You Better Watch Out (#2.13)" (1987)
Marcy: [after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
[Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza]
Al: Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies.
Peggy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg.
Bud: Mmm!
Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard!
Al: What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?

Marcy: Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.
Kelly: Well, you're in the right place.
Peggy: Come on Marcy, these things happen.
Marcy: WHEN has this ever happened? A guy dressed as Santa Claus goes skydiving, his parachue doesn't open, and he lands right in your back yard?
Peggy: Cheer up. It could have been worse. He could have landed on the picket fence.

Marcy: What did Peggy give you, Al?
Al: Irregularity... and
[refers to Bud and Kelly]
Al: these two.

"Married with Children: Old Insurance Dodge (#7.24)" (1993)
Al: Someone stole my Dodge.
Marcy: Well it's your own fault for leaving it out front on garbage day. I'll bet somebody took it to start a new limousine service. You know, for those people who can't quite afford the luxury of Greyhound.
Jefferson: Or maybe they'll use it as a pace car in the Garbage Man 500.

Marcy: You could really use the money, Al. I mean it should be your choice to walk around with green teeth and yellow underwear. Or some times visa versa.

Al: Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top.
Marcy: Or your pajama bottom.

"Married with Children: Kelly Breaks Out (#9.3)" (1994)
Marcy: But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al: All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell good products, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us *drink beer*.

Al: You know $2,000 and The Three Stooges. For a Dead Man I'm happy.
Marcy: You know my women's group and I are going to protest against this.
Al: What, the Stooges? If you don't like them. Then how come do you keep getting your haircut like Moe?

Marcy: [to the director] This should make a multi-million dollar lawsuit. I'm Marcy D'Arcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Aesthetically Challenged.
Al: Challenged? I'd say defeated, exiled, and left for dead!
[a large, burly, androgynous woman, Lola, approaches Al and grabs him by his collar and literally lifts him off the floor with one hand]
Lola: You mind repeating that?
Al: [intimidated tone] As a matter of fact... I do.

"Married with Children: How Green Was My Apple (#8.16)" (1994)
Marcy: Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?
Al: Going blind if you stand up.

[the Bundy's driveway is on the D'Arcy's property line. Marcy and Jefferson have set up a toll booth]
Marcy: We'll be happy to let Al use it, won't we Jefferson?
Jefferson: Sure, as long as he pays the toll.
Al: What's the toll?
Marcy: $1,500, exact change please.
Al: $1,500? Are you crazy?
Jefferson: [cocks rifle] Who you callin' crazy, Punk?
Al: Uh... Your wife.

Marcy: What's your'n is your'n and what's our'n is our'n.

"Married with Children: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (#10.1)" (1995)
Marcy: I do remember my first apartment. My roommate and I were both single, both bursting with ripe, flowering womanhood. The sexual revolution was in full swing and we were a-happening.
Peggy: Wow. I'll bet you were having sex all the time.
Marcy: No, that cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends. I've never forgiven Mom for that.

Jefferson: Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad: mirror ball on the ceiling, water bed on the floor, fake medical degrees on the wall. Oh God, I have fun at that place.
Marcy: Have? Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you?
Jefferson: Um... No. And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball.

Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes?
Al: Right here.
Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife.
Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.

"Married with Children: Pump Fiction (#9.24)" (1995)
Marshall: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the world premiere of the film 'Shoes'.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Boo! Hiss! Boooooo!
Marshall: 'Shoes' is a taught and gripping short film told in the Andy Warhol tradition of film making.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, please! Even he made junk films better than this!
Marshall: Will the gentleman in the third row please sit down and stop heckling!

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: They gave you $10,000? See, this is exactly why I'm a republican.
Al Bundy: Really? And I thought it was because of the drinking and the wife-swapping-parties.

"Married with Children: Ship Happens: Part 2 (#9.20)" (1995)
Marcy D'Arcy: Why don't we try to catch a fish?
Al Bundy: How? We got no rods. We got no hooks. We got no bait.
[everyone looks as Gilbert Gottfried who looks back at them with dread]
Al Bundy: Well... we still have no rods or hooks.

Peggy Bundy: Al, wack a fish and get me dinner.
Al Bundy: Oh, all right, Peg. It's always the same thing! "Al, get me dinner. Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny." Why can't it just be: "Al, wake up, it's Cindy Crawford here. I'm hungry and horny!"
[Al moves to the side of the raft and raises the oar, and pauses]
Peggy Bundy: What are you wating for?
Al Bundy: A red one. There!
[Al swings the oar at the water making a large splash]
Al Bundy: There, I got her! Hey... where'd that fish go?
Marcy D'Arcy: Where all dead fish go.
Gilbert Gottfried: To the Red Lobster?

"Married with Children: Frat Chance (#7.6)" (1992)
Marcy: Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle.
Al: Any hooters?
Marcy: It is a François LuMach film. He explores the mind.
Al: Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras".
Jefferson: Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women.

Peggy: I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt.
Marcy: I want sensitivity.
Jefferson: I want killings.
Al: I want boobies.
[They all start arguing]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
[Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin.
Kelly: You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy!

"Married with Children: Sleepless in Chicago (#9.8)" (1994)
[Al, posing as Jefferson, is lying next to Marcy in bed]
Marcy: Jefferson, rub my back.
[Al hesitantly moves his hand toward her]
Marcy: That's my chest.

[Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks]
Al: Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking.
Marcy: Outta my way, Swamp Gas.
Al: That's *Mr.* Swamp Gas to you.

"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.11)" (1989)
Marcy: [drunk] Excuse me Marcy, I'm Al.

Steve Rhoades: Why can't you and mother get along, Marcy?
Marcy: The woman hangs her coat on me.

"Married with Children: Radio Free Trumaine (#9.26)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Pushing around 18 year olds. What will you do next?
Steve Rhoades: I don't know. Maybe I'll look at our wedding photos trying to find your breasts.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, you're gonna have to try really hard because they're hidden under your gorgeous cousins' hands!

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Power to the people! Power to the people!
Stoner: Take off your shirt!

"Married with Children: Her Cups Runneth Over (#3.6)" (1989)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What if men had breasts?
Al Bundy: Then we wouldn't need women anymore.
Peggy Bundy: And if you had what other men had, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.
Al Bundy: That's what happened to my Diehard!

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I don't know why we even need bras.
Al Bundy: Oh, I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat.

"Married with Children: Dances with Weezy (#8.10)" (1993)
Jefferson: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial?
Al: No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language.
Marcy: You're talking beer, you're talking his belly.
Al: [Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater] Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball?

Marcy: It's the Jeffersons Movin' On Up Tour.
Bud: Was the Facts of Life Eatin' On Up Tour all sold out?

"Married with Children: Look Who's Barking (#5.14)" (1991)
[Al is waiting eagerly for a cheesecake from a Wisconsin restaurant. The doorbell rings, and he opens it to Steve and Marcy]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [exhales] Well, we're back...
Jefferson D'Arcy: [exhales] We got it, you wouldn't believe the trouble...
[Al has already grabbed the cheesecake and shut the door on them. As he goes to the table, they storm in]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Do you know what hell we went through to get you that cheesecake? We had to make a two-day trek through the backwoods of Wisconsin's cheese country! Living off cheese wine... nibbling on cheese bread... having to make cheap cheese love... and we almost got lost a thousand times!
Al Bundy: Well, that's why I sent Peg with you as a guide.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, thanks so much for sending your wife on our honeymoon. Without her playing pinochle with us every night, we don't know what we would have done.

[Al takes his first bite of the cheesecake... and spits it out]
Al Bundy: This is a horrible hoax! This isn't an authentic Chuck's Cheesebowl cherry cheesecake! You went to the wrong place!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I don't think there are a lot of Chuck's Cheesebowl's in Tunoose, Wisconsin... just a "belch and a holler!" from Wanker County. Where we met so many nice people who said wise things like, "I gots my own teeth!"
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, and, uh, "I'll trade you my sister for your Bic lighter."
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh yes, we had such a nice time. We must show you the slides of me getting fondled at the gas station by something that was half-man, half-owl.
Kelly Bundy: Dad, they met Cousin Hooty!

"Married with Children: Just Married... with Children (#2.20)" (1988)
Bink Winkleman: Gentlemen, to your electric chairs.
Al Bundy: I welcome death.
Marcy Rhoades: Uh Steve, I didn't know they'd have electric chairs.
Steve Rhoades: Doesn't matter Marcy. Juice me till I'm ash, they're not getting that car.

Bink Winkleman: We have 30 here, 35 here. Do I hear 40?
Marcy Rhoades: I don't think I can.
Steve Rhoades: A woman's place is in the home.
[Marcy cranks it up]
Bink Winkleman: 80, audience, look at him twitch.

"Married with Children: Death of a Shoe Salesman (#7.10)" (1992)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hi. We were just wondering, do you know where Seven is?
Peggy Bundy: No.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, let me put your minds to rest. He's been living with just for the past three days. He walked in when you left for that Hawaii/Rock of Ages thing and now doesn't want to leave.
Jefferson D'Arcy: He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write, or use a knife and fork, but he has learned to chant "kill the Bundys" with us and and the other neighbors.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: If you don't mind, we were thinking about renaming him Henry, after my father.
Peggy Bundy: [shrugs] Sure, that's okay.
Al Bundy: [shrugs] What do we care? Do what you want.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls us Dad and Little Dad.

Peggy Bundy: Al doesn't want to be buried next to me. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, yes. I think that the vows of marriage are sacried. That's when I die, I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh, my name is Jefferson. And I'm your husband now, and by the way, we are not in bed so there's no excuse for calling me Steve. He is your ex-husband.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, don't take it personally. Every woman scream out "Steve" during sex. Don't they, Peggy?
Peggy Bundy: Not me. It's too long a name.

"Married with Children: Twisted (#11.1)" (1996)
[playing Mad Libs]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Now, somebody give me a verb.
Al: Cluck?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Okay. Now, somebody give me a command.
Ariel: Cluck you?
Al: [chuckles] I like you.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: You know, maybe Mad Libs is a little too advanced for you people. Let's just play 20 Questions. Now, who wants to start?
Al: Go to hell.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: That's not a question.
Ariel: Why don't you got to hell?
Al: [chuckles] I really like you.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: As your civil defense block captain, I am taking charge here. You are to follow my orders without any questions.
Kelly Bundy: So, we're supposed to act like Mr. D'Arcy?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I said no questions!

"Married with Children: Christmas (#7.12)" (1992)
Marcy, Jefferson, Kids: [singing] Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be. With hair in his nose and rot on his toes / He's as bald as he can be; Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be/He's into old age, making minimum wage / He's as bald as he can be.

Marcy: Hi Santa! What's that smell? Did one of your raindeer leave a no-no? Oh my bad. That must be the ghost of foot fungus past.
Al Bundy: Ho, ho, ho, little girl. You don't have to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Santa knows what you want for Christmas. You want a pair of breasts... just a grown-up woman. But Santa says, be happy with that you have which is the body of a young boy.

"Married with Children: God Help Ye Merry Bundymen (#11.8)" (1996)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.

Bud Bundy: It was us. It was her. We stole your Mary and Joseph Nativity statues.
Kelly Bundy: We still have your statues.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Good, because if so much as one hair is missing off their heads...
Bud Bundy: They don't have any heads!

"Married with Children: Ship Happens: Part 1 (#9.19)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Why must you always be so negative?
Al Bundy: Why did you cross the road?
[insulted, Marcy kicks Al in his shin]
Al Bundy: Oww! What'd I say?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Anyway, Al. At 6:30 I'm going upstairs for aqua aerobics. The male crewmembers were going to pretend to be dolphins and I get to their dorsal fins. And vice versa. Don't tell Jefferson.
Al: Marcy did you happen to notice if any of the female cremwmembers were going to pretend to be dolphins?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hmm, no. I think they're going to be mermaids. Or whatever it is you call it when you swim around topless.

"Married with Children: The Computer Show (#3.20)" (1989)
Al: What do I need a computer for?
Marcy: News updates.
Al: Newspaper.
Marcy: Social events.
Al: TV Guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al: [Placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al: Don't care.

Marcy: Al, what you're overlooking is all the things this model can do. This is a muscle machine. It's fully loaded: it's got a 3600 bod modem, a VGA high-resolution color monitor, a 40 megabyte harddisk, and 7 megabytes of RAM. Steve, it's the you of computers.
Steve: You ain't just whistlin' IBM, baby.

"Married with Children: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 (#2.5)" (1987)
Marcy: My wedding ring, it's gone! Peggy, I sent my wedding ring down El Zorro's pants!

Marcy: Peggy, you just stuffed money down the front of that man's pants. Why?
Peggy Bundy: Because my checkbook makes him walk funny.

"Married with Children: Lookin' for a Desk in All the Wrong Places (#6.5)" (1991)
Al: My God, she has you running like a Frenchman through a thunderstorm!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Come on, Al. You think I'm afraid of Marcy? I'm the man in this marriage and I can do anything I want. Just last month, I stopped payment on the storage locker that Marcy has a lease on downtown, took the money and went to the horse race track to gamble it all away. Now, does that sound like a man who's afraid of his wife?
Al: What do you think Marcy is gonna do when she finds out? The storage locker company terminates your lease and sells all your items when they don't get paid.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'm a con man, a thief and a gigilo. Marcy will never find out. She never goes down there.
Marcy D'Arcy: [walks up to the guys] Jefferson, can I borrow the keys to the storage unit?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [whispering to Al] Watch me con my way out of this one.
[to Marcy, feining ignorance]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh... what storage unit?
Marcy D'Arcy: Storage unit Number 319 where I keep my precious and irreplacable baby furniture. Can I have the keys? I want to show Peggy some of it.
Al: [smirks; whispering to Jefferson] Good night, sweet prince.
[Al backs away as Jefferson is clearly getting nervous]
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson? The keys.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] Uh... Marcy, did I ever tell you that I love you? You are the most precious thing in my life.
Marcy D'Arcy: [suspicious] What did you do to my precious and irreplaceable baby furniture that mean more to me than ten of you?

[as Jefferson is sheepshily explaining to Marcy about terminating the lease she has on a storage locker to squander the rent money, Al and Peggy are exited watching what's going on from their living room couch]
Al: [giddy] Oh, boy! I think she's gonna beat him up again!
Peggy: [more giddy] And you didn't want them to come over!
Al: I was wrong!
Marcy D'Arcy: [shouting to Jefferson] WHAT? You let them auction off all my baby furniture? My memories? My life?
Al: [to Peggy] And there's the wind up... and the pitch...
[Jefferson is flug through the air from a huge punch and lands on the floor behind the couch]
Al: And it's out of the park!
Marcy D'Arcy: [to Jefferson] Now, I am going out and get all my baby furniture back. I want to you remain on that floor and think about what you did. Now, Peggy and I will go to the storage company and get a list of all those people who bought my items at that auction and we will get them back.
Peggy: Me? Why do I have to go with you?
Marcy D'Arcy: Because when I get back, I want to strip every ounce of manhood this guy has on him, and you are the only person who can show me how.
Peggy: [walks out with Marcy] No problem! I did this exact same thing to Al. Right after we were married, I stopped doing many things for him such as help him wash his own hair, and stop making him lunch for work.

"Married with Children: The Chicago Wine Party (#7.7)" (1992)
Marcy: All right... well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve it's melodious tone, we must protect this area from further development.
Al: So those little bastards can sit outside my window and sing all night and I don't get no sleep?

Al: [drunk] Family, did you know that, along with an election coming up, there's something big going on. They're trying to sneak by a two cent beer tax. Two cents! And what really gets to me is that the money that they're gonna raise, is gonna go for education! Well, I'll be damned if I'm paying two cents for some moron to learn how to read! I mean, where's it gonna end? I mean, pretty soon they'll be taxing... income!
Marcy: Well, Al, it's nice to see that you care about something besides wondering who's back is hairier, yours or your dogs'.
Al: Or, who's chest is hairier, mine or yours.

"Married with Children: Al on the Rocks (#7.4)" (1992)
Kelly Bundy: Help us!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I can't, I'm a Republican.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Put a shirt on, I can't stand to see you topless.
Al Bundy: Well, at least people know when I'm topless!

"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad: Part 1 (#9.12)" (1994)
[Marcy got "Psycho Dad" cancelled]
Marcy: [singing "Psycho Dad" tune to Al] Who's that guy whose show is doooooone? Whose TV hero's on the ruuuuuun? Who'll be watching V-H-Oooooone? Loser Al. Loser Al. Loser Al.

Al: Why, Marcy?
Marcy: Because Psycho Dad was the most violent program on TV. Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show?
Al: Well, a man's gotta re-load...

"Married with Children: Get Outta Dodge (#8.18)" (1994)
Al: I'll drive out Al Bundy: Old Dodge Owner, but I'll drive back in Al Bundy: Viper Man.
Marcy: But on the down side, you'll still be Al Bundy.

Kelly: [Al in the Dodge had accidentally rolled out of the garage] How did he finally stop?
Jefferson: Well, luckily, there was a brand new, foreign car parked outside, which had finally been fixed but never driven.
Marcy: Well I guess it's good to get that first broadside out of the way.

"Married with Children: Have You Driven a Ford Lately (#1.5)" (1987)
Steve: It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: [looking troubled] Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Marcy: This morning I brought it to Steve's attention that his fingernails were dirty. Do you know what he said? He said "That's not dirt, it's Mustang juice, Baby."

"Married with Children: Peggy Sue Got Work (#1.9)" (1987)
Marcy Rhoades: I'm settling an argument here. Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive throwback of a human being.
Steve Rhoades: So what's the argument?

Marcy Rhoades: You want a VCR? I have the solution. You're going to get a job.
Al, Peggy Bundy: HA HA HA HA Ha Ha Ha Ha ha ha ha ha...

"Married with Children: Kelly Takes a Shot (#9.15)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Remember the story, "The Bundyville Horror"? This is the place. THESE are the people.
Al Bundy: And this is the church, and this is the steeple.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well if you really want to scare them away, an owl will usually do it.
Al Bundy: An Al? I'M an Al.

"Married with Children: Rites of Passage (#6.16)" (1992)
Jefferson: We were being so nostalgic that I... bought a '65 Mustang.
Marcy: You bought a '65 Mustang? When are you going to get a job to drive it to?
Jefferson: I look in the papers, it's just that by the time I get up all the good jobs are taken.

Marcy: [to Bud] You're lucky to be 18 at this time in history. Back when I turned 18 there was free love, free sex. But you're much luckier than we were because now with all the numerous and disfiguring diseases out there, young men and women have a chance to get to know one another, to actually be friends.

"Married with Children: Spring Break: Part 2 (#10.20)" (1996)
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: Howdy folks! Parley Wayne at your service. What can I do ya for?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hi. My expensive, German luxuary sedan just broke down about a mile up the road after running over one of your state birds, the possum. I'll be needing a tow truck.
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: Why hell, I'd like a tow truck too. I also would like a new wife and some more teeth.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Look, ZZ Top, I don't care what business you rednecks run in this part of the country, but we've got to get to Florida.
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: You keep on callin' me names, and you just might land there!

Bud Bundy: Look, there has to be away out of here. Don't you have some transportation we could have? A car? A bicycle? A horse you're not dating at the moment?
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: Well, I do have this truck for rent. Burns as much oil as gas, but it's enougth to get you to Florida and back here.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: We'll take the truck. How much do you want for it?
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: A thousand dollars... cash. And also, leave the fat boy here.
[Parley Wayne stairs right at Hummer who looks terrified]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: That is an outrage!
Bud Bundy: Yeah, we don't have $1,000 in cash.

"Married with Children: Get the Dodge Outta Hell (#9.17)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Steve, what are you doing back in town? I though you were out in the desert protecting the wildlife and performing your version of Guys and Dolls to the cactus.
Steve Rhoades: That, much like our marriage, was just a phase.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Jefferson doesn't need to make a lot of money. I'm happy with him just the way he is.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [whines] Marcy, I got soap in my eyes.

"Married with Children: Pilot (#1.1)" (1987)
Marcy: I feel that sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
Al: You gonna neuter him too?

Steve Rhoades: Do you two, uh, have any kids?
Al Bundy: Two.
Marcy: Where are they?
Al Bundy: [shrugs] I don't know.

"Married with Children: Live Nude Peg (#11.17)" (1997)
Marcy D'Arcy: Peggy, now you're not any better than those cheap strippers.
Peggy Bundy: Yes I am! I won that contest.
Marcy D'Arcy: No, I mean you have set the women's movement back 50 years.
Peggy Bundy: Who cares. Last night, this woman's movement was fantastic.
Marcy D'Arcy, Peggy Bundy: Peggy, last night, Al was not making love with you. In his head he was making love with some slut.
Peggy Bundy: That's what he always does. But you see, this time the slut was me and that makes me feel very good about myself.

Peggy Bundy: You think Al's falling in love with her?
Marcy D'Arcy: Yep, better watch out or they might run away together.
Peggy Bundy: Over my dead body! Oh my God, that bitch Jasmine is ruining my marriage!
Marcy D'Arcy: Peggy, that bitch is you.
Peggy Bundy: Well I know that. I've created a monster, although she does make 300 bucks a night.

"Married with Children: Turning Japanese (#10.21)" (1996)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: The bank president is flying in all the way from Japan at my house tonight. Now, once he approves of me, the job is as good as mine. So Al, the reason that I'm here is that I need your help with just one little thing to make tonight's dinner perfect. I need you to leave the neighborhood. You see, I don't want my boss to be repulsed by you or your children, no offence.
Al Bundy: None taken.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: So you'll do it.
Al Bundy: I meant none taken... yet.
[Al widdles his fingers together symbolizing a bribe]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: All right, Al. What's your price?
Al Bundy: One night, all expenses payed, to a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.
Bud Bundy: Oh, where Hobo's reside.
Kelly Bundy: Where every bed is shaped like a boxcar.
[everyone looks at Kelly oddly]
Kelly Bundy: [embarrassed] Or, uh... so I hear from my slutty friends who may go there all the time. Not me.

Bud Bundy: Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought that as a feminist that you wouldn't like places like this.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Feminism is about protecting a woman's right in the workplace. Now, where that workplace happens to be is none of my concern.
Bambi: [walks up to Marcy] Hi. Would you like a lap dance?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Split, bitch!

"Married with Children: Driving Mr. Boondy (#9.2)" (1994)
Marcy: You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number?
Jefferson: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it?

"Married with Children: The Egg and I (#6.17)" (1992)
Marcy: I know why you're back. You're back... for this!
[she rips off her nightie, revealing her negligee]
Al: [off screen] I'm blind! My eyes, my eyes!
Steve: Okay, I get the message! But remember, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Take this to your grave!
Steve: [rips open his shirt, showing his scrawny chest] Take THIS to your grave!
Peggy: [off screen] WAAAAHH! Now I'm blind, too!

"Married with Children: Field of Screams (#8.19)" (1994)
Marcy D'Arcy: Al, those insect bites you have look awful.
Al Bundy: Insect bites? Oh, thank God! I thought they were hickies from that bum over there.

"Married with Children: No Ma'am (#8.9)" (1993)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: In response to your "don't talk after sex" demand, the only reason why we ask to to talk after sex is so we can know when you're finished.
Al: Oh, yeah? Well, you're a chicken!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: And if what you say is true that we women spend so little time in the kitchen, how come you men spend so much time in the bathroom?
Al: Because... because... you're a chicken!

"Married with Children: The Dateless Amigo (#3.19)" (1989)
Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
Al: What about tax?
Steve: [after pause] You sound just like those fools in the treasury department.
Marcy: Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

"Married with Children: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked (#9.14)" (1995)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, all I can say is that if I ever caught my Jefferson going into one of those strip clubs, I would do things to him that would make my hero and idol, Lorena Bobbitt, toss her cookies!

"Married with Children: Cheese, Cues, and Blood (#6.4)" (1991)
Al: Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights?
Marcy: Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress.
Al: Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that.
[Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress]
Kelly: Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn.
Al: Sure, have a good time pumpkin.
[Kelly exits]
Al: Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it.
[the phone rings]
Al: Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there.

"Married with Children: The Agony of De-Feet (#4.22)" (1990)
Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
Peggy: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done something that you really regretted?
Peggy: Having the kids.

"Married with Children: You Better Shop Around: Part 2 (#5.22)" (1991)
[Al and Peg are competing with Marcy and Jefferson for a shopping spree]
Jefferson: Drop dead!
Peggy: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dust!
Al: Grow hair!

"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad: Second Blood: Part 2 (#9.13)" (1994)
[the porn channel is on the TV]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Speaking of the Washington Monument... what is that?
Jefferson: Uh... C-SPAN is broadcasting the senate page tryouts.

"Married with Children: Married... with Aliens (#5.7)" (1990)
Peggy: Come over here and sit on the couch and tell us what happened.
Al Bundy: You'll laugh at me.
Peggy: We won't laugh at you.
Al Bundy: Well, the moon men came back and took my socks.
Peggy, Marcy Rhoades: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...
Marcy Rhoades: Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots?

"Married with Children: The Stepford Peg (#11.10)" (1997)
[Marcy watches Peg wash her car and can't take it anymore]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Ohh, I can't stand this for another minute! Look Peggy, Al's brainwashed you. You are not cheerful, tidy and hardworking. You're mean, rude and sloppy. You're a horrible wife, worst mother and proud of it.
Peggy: I beg your pardon?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Peggy, I say this with love. You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.
Peggy: And you are a bitter woman Marcy Darcy. You see my loving, picture perfect family and all of a sudden your pretty boy husband and foreign car don't seem so spiffy. Well, your jealous lies aren't getting thought to Mrs. Al Bundy. Good day.
[Peg picks up her bucket with cleaning solutions]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well... Peggy, wait.
Peggy: [picks up the rag] And for future reference, my Al prefers to have his paper on the porch, not in the bushes. Remember that or we'll tell your supervisor.

"Married with Children: Bearly Men (#10.12)" (1995)
Al Bundy: Hey Marcy, did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: He's not dead you chucklehead. He just violated my Mercedes!
Peggy Bundy: How do you know?
[Jefferson enters looking deshelveled and wide-eyed]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Because we were in it.
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, are you okay?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, I'm all right. A little in shock and jealous.
Peggy Bundy: Jealous?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, you should have seen him go and go and go. My God, if a car could smile. One thing I know for sure. Tonight, Jefferson, we're playing Buick and the Beast.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] I... I... I... I don't know Marcy. I might need some counselling. And, I think you may have to do all the work for a while.

"Married with Children: Who'll Stop the Rain (#4.13)" (1990)
[after Marcy is bitten by a venomous guinea pig]
Steve Rhodes: Gee, Marcy, you look... fine. Don't you think so, Kelly?
Kelly: I don't know, I've never really looked at her before.
Marcy Rhoades: I have a *hump*, you bimbo!
Kelly: [confused] Didn't you always?

"Married with Children: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy (#5.9)" (1990)
Marcy Rhoades: Well, according to the book I've just read, "Keep him down, keep him down, keep him down, a Woman's Guide to Happiness", you don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white underwear. You know, the bright colored ones that European men use a bathing suits.
Peggy: Well I don't have to worry about that. Al would never give up his white Hanes underware, size 34, 3 to a pack. I know that because I bought him a 3-pack a couple of years ago and he still has 2 he hasn't even used yet.

"Married with Children: A Little Off the Top (#8.12)" (1993)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hey, Stubby. We head about what happened to you so I got you a card.
[reads from the card]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: We heard about your little loss, we hope you'll make it through. Because thankfully the part they took was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like the good news is that another quarter inch would have been a full lopotomay. And P.S...
[Marcy chackles once againg in her chicken-sounding voice, and then exits]
Al: [to Kelly and Bud] Kids, whenever you get a card like this, it must always be returned with a "thank you" card. Would you please go and key one in the side of Marcy's car?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Kelly and Bud as they walk out] Hey, wait a minute! You kids do realize that Marcy's car is the red Mercedes?

"Married with Children: Proud to Be Your Bud? (#8.3)" (1993)
Marcy: Now where could we find a man? Al, have you seen a man?
Al: No, but I see a woman who could make one sterile.

"Married with Children: No Chicken, No Check (#8.6)" (1993)
Al: Jefferson, tell them what they can get for $800.
Jefferson: Well, for $800 you can get a nice car.
Kelly: Really, Mr. D'Arcy? You know where we can get a car for $800?
Marcy: At the auto auction where they sell cars they've confiscated from criminals and drug dealers. Of course, the cars have some minor problems like bullet holes in the trunk; but you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge.
Al: There's no bullet holes in my car, but that could change if I could persuade you to get into the trunk.

"Married with Children: Guys and Dolls (#2.14)" (1988)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [believing her childhood Barbie stolen] Steve, find them! Find them and kill them! No, don't kill them. Bring them to me. I'll kill them. But not at first. First I'll take a hammer, and smash their toes, little to big. Then, if it was a man, and I know it was a man, I'll turn the hammer AROUND!

"Married with Children: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This (#7.14)" (1993)
Marcy: Listen to this! Even though Jefferson has a job, he is still charging his lunches on my credit card... and you should see the size of the tips he leaves the waitresses, and you know what he said when I called him on it? "Hey babe, I'm good-looking." That's his answer to everything!
Al: What is his answer to the cries of "Hey there! Where are you going with that little boy?"

"Married with Children: Enemies (#10.23)" (1996)
Marcy D'Arcy: Yo there, bro...
[George turns around looking stunned]
Marcy D'Arcy: we're new to the 'hood.
[George continues to look surprised at Jefferson and Marcy]
Marcy D'Arcy: What can you recommend?
George: The hamburgers.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, well, uh, we were hoping for something a little bit more, uh...
[snaps his fingers a few times]
Jefferson D'Arcy: down home!
Marcy D'Arcy: You know, like collard greens, ox-tails, moon pies.
George: I'm glad you've seen "Martin." But here, we serve... hamburgers!
[drops the burgers in front of the D'Arcys]
Marcy D'Arcy: Listen, homes...
[George gets the befuddled look on his face again]
Marcy D'Arcy: if you insist on dissing your customers in that manner, then we are just going to have to ease on down that road.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Wooooooord!
George: Well, then, I guess you want your order to go.
[dumps the food and drinks in a paper bag and Jefferson takes it]
Marcy D'Arcy: Your mama!

"Married with Children: Peggy Turns 300 (#4.19)" (1990)
Marcy Rhoades: You, sir, are Satan's toejam! I know what you're up to! Trying to sabotage your own wife! Is there no limit to how low you'll sink?
Al: Well, I wouldn't kiss you on a bet.

"Married with Children: Magnificent Seven (#7.1)" (1992)
Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.
[starts to leave]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, Al, I couldn't possibly accept anything from you. Instead, let me give you something... ten fingers of death!
[throttles him]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!
[Jefferson pulls her off]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: And I have breasts, damn it!

"Married with Children: All in the Family (#2.22)" (1988)
Marcy Rhoades: Al, do you know what the difference between Steve's mom's head and a bowling ball is? A bowling ball doesn't have a beard!
Steve Rhoades: It's only one hair. One hair doesn't mean it's a beard.
Marcy Rhoades: It is if it's six inches long and shaped like the letter V!

"Married with Children: Hot off the Grill (#4.1)" (1989)
Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted Aunt Tuney passed away.
Steve: Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors.
Marcy: She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her sainted ashes fell to me.
Steve: And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her cats.

"Married with Children: Birthday Boy Toy (#11.19)" (1997)
Jefferson: How am I going to pay for this?
Marcy: Three words.
Jefferson: I love you?
Marcy: Try again.
Jefferson: Hop on Pop?
Marcy: Get a job.
[Peg and Jefferson gape in horror]

"Married with Children: My Dinner with Anthrax (#6.18)" (1992)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I guys. I'm Marcy.
Anthrax Band Member: Nice to meet you, sir.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: No, I'm a woman.
Anthrax Band Member: [scoffs] Yeah, right. This guy's a rap star, this girl's a genius, and we're glad to be here.

"Married with Children: Fair Exchange (#4.6)" (1989)
Steve Rhoades: Well when I was dating you, I had a few milk bones slipped into my pocket.
Marcy Rhoades: I was pretty! My mother told me so.
Steve Rhoades: Compared to your mother, you were.

"Married with Children: You Gotta Know When to Hold Them: Part 1 (#4.16)" (1990)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I hate men!
Al Bundy: I thought you were man's best friend.
[Marcy glares angrily at Al]
Al Bundy: Oh, I'm sorry. That's a dog. You're a chicken.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Shut up, you ham-hog!

"Married with Children: But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy (#1.3)" (1987)
Marcy: Look, we know Bella can be loud; and annoying; and the whole neighborhood hates his guts; but at least he's a good protecter.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

"Married with Children: He Thought He Could (#3.1)" (1988)
[first lines]
Peggy Bundy: You know, the boys are upstairs working so hard, and this popcorn will make a nice surprise for them. So easy to make, too.
Marcy Rhoades: Uh, Peggy, you're supposed to move it around.
Peggy Bundy: Oh.
[shakes the popcorn]
Peggy Bundy: Well gee, now it's not easy any more.
Marcy Rhoades: Peggy, did you know this says use before May the eleventh, 1972.
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, if you read it carefully, it says *best* if used before May the eleventh, 1972.

"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, it's our anniversary. I'll go to work, earn income for the two of us, in bed I'll even do all the work. All YOU have to do is look good, smell nice, and keep away from Al and his friends!

"Married with Children: Johnny Be Gone (#1.13)" (1987)
[Marcy is looking for a fish eye that fell off a large broiled haddock while wearing only a towel]
Marcy Rhoades: Do you see a fish eye down there?
Al: No, but I see a chicken leg.

"Married with Children: Sue Casa, His Casa (#5.3)" (1990)
Marcy Rhoades: [entering the room slightly laughing, holding a car phone in her hand] Oh, god. You want to hear something funny? This car phone lay over at my house and a policeman came over and asked me what car I thought it came from, the Mercedes or the Dodge.
[laughing, then getting a slight grip, to Al]
Marcy Rhoades: He thought it could be yours.
[into the car phone]
Marcy Rhoades: What's that? A woman cross town needs a seven-triple-E? I'm on my way.
[immitates an accelerating car]
Marcy Rhoades: Whoever thought seeing an accident like that could be that much fun.
Al: You saw it?
Marcy Rhoades: Yeah. I was saying goodnight to my date.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, a non-Bundy as a witness. You think They'll believe her?
Al: But Peg, do you think a judge will believe that she had a date?

"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 3 (#11.16)" (1997)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: This may come as a shock to you, but I never really cared much about your ex-husband.
Peggy Bundy: We're not divorced.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Think positive, Peggy!

"Married with Children: Lez Be Friends (#11.21)" (1997)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Go home!
Al Bundy: I'd like to, but my living room is full of women, men and your cousin.

"Married with Children: Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 2 (#11.5)" (1996)
Al Bundy: [Al has just learned that the car dealership took advantage of him] The salesman said that smart people lease.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Yeah! To stupid people!

"Married with Children: The House That Peg Lost (#3.16)" (1989)
Marcy Rhoades: [Waking up] I had a dream, that I was Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz." Peggy, you were the good witch. Al, you were looking for a brain.

"Married with Children: Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? (#5.19)" (1991)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: The way you leave this door open a maniac could just walk in and kill you.
Al Bundy: Yeah. Like I ever get what I want.

"Married with Children: The Juggs Have Left the Building (#11.7)" (1996)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Come upstairs and try to last longer than a new Fox sitcom.

"Married with Children: Wabbit Season (#5.8)" (1990)
Marcy Rhoades: On the bright side, my house is dry again... but then the sun would have dried it out, seeing there's no roof!

"Married with Children: Buck the Stud (#5.25)" (1991)
Marcy: [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?

"Married with Children: Al Goes to the Dogs (#10.22)" (1996)
[Marcy sneaks behind Al and hits him on his butt with a beam of wood]
Al Bundy: [turns around] Ouch! What did I ever do to you?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: You were born! You live here! And... I don't know what you did to the bird-bath, but the little birdies won't go there anymore!

"Married with Children: Dial B for Virgin (#9.7)" (1994)
Clerk: Here are the videos we've held for you: Silence of the Loins and The Joy Slut Club.
Marcy: Um, I'm going to take them home... to erase them.
Clerk: Shall I charge it to your house account?

"Married with Children: Torch Song Duet (#10.26)" (1996)
Roy Jones Jr.: Excuse me, aren't you Bruce Jenner?.
Marcy D'Arcy: No I am not.
Roy Jones Jr.: Are you sure?.
Marcy D'Arcy: Don't make me knock you out.

"Married with Children: Route 666: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1991)
Kelly Bundy: Where's Daddy?
Peggy Bundy: Gee, I don't know. I haven't seen him since he went insane. Oh, here he comes.
[Al enters holding a dead squirrel]
Al Bundy: I killed this squirrel for looking at my gold!
Bud Bundy: Good work, Dad.
Marcy D'Arcy: Uh, Al...?
[Al wheels around and aims his shotgun at her. She throws her arms up]
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I think Dad's shoe-selling days are just about over.
Kelly Bundy: I think Dad's shoe-wearing days are just about over.

"Married with Children: Take My Wife, Please (#8.7)" (1993)
Marcy D'Arcy: I'm giving next door a charity benefit for this group of women who have murdered their own husbands just to watch them die. And I've invited over a famous group over, the Village People. They were huge. They sold millions. They just called collect to say they're delayed and may not make it. So, as a favor for me, I'd like all of you to come over to the party...
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I thought she was going to ask us to dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Marcy D'Arcy: And dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Kelly Bundy: That's insane.
Peggy Bundy: We couldn't possibly pull that off.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, now what kind of idiot would set himself up for a suicide mission like that?
[Jefferson enters wearng skin-tight black leather as the Leatherman]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't know about this, Marcy. Are you sure the Leatherman wears pants this tight? The cow these came from couldn't walk in this leather.
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, there are women at our house who have killed their own husbands just for saying "where's my bacon?" Now, do you want to be the one to tell them that there's no Village People?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [terrified] No.
Marcy D'Arcy: Now, go oil your pecs and get macho.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'll oil my pecs, but no way I'm getting macho. I've got my dignity.

"Married with Children: Dud Bowl II (#10.10)" (1995)
Marcy: Does anyone have any gestures they'd like to have known? Anything at all?
[Al gives Marcy the finger]
Marcy: I don't think that particular gesture is necessary. Al.

"Married with Children: England Show I (#6.24)" (1992)
[hiding in a back alley in London]
Marcy D'Arcy: Any more bright ideas, Mr. A-little-counterfeiting-never-hurt-anyone?
Jefferson: As God as my witness, I thought Michael Caine's picture was on the £5 note.
Marcy D'Arcy: It's the Queen!
Jefferson: Just our luck, we run into the one guy who can tell the difference.

"Married with Children: Spring Break: Part 1 (#10.19)" (1996)
Marcy: Girls like that are just cheap one-night stands. You all should be developing full, trusting relationships like I have with my Jefferson, who even now is away at computer camp trying to better himelf.
Bud: Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy...
[Bud gestures to the TV where Al, Griff and Jefferson are mingling with blondes in bikinis]
Marcy: [enraged] Road trip! Destination: Fort Lauderdale!
Bud: Goal: swift and terrible revenge!
Achmed: But there is a blizzard outside and all the roads are closed.
Marcy: I drive a Benz, and I am pissed off!

"Married with Children: The Legend of Ironhead Haynes (#8.23)" (1994)
Marcy: Oh, come on Al. You can't keep this up for a whole month. Sooner or later, some chorally challenged woman is going to walk through those doors and your going to end up insulting her. You know why? Because you don't know the first thing about politically correct behavior.
Al: What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women?
Marcy: Today's obese woman feels that it's their God-given right to be heavy, and they do not like being insulted or commented on it by you or me or anyone.
Al: So for example, if some moo-cow rumbles in here with a pie under each quadruple chin, I'm not supposed to ask her if that's the Star Spangled Banner that she's belching so that I can know whether to sit or stand.
Marcy: No, ye of so little deodorant.

"Married with Children: Rain Girl (#4.21)" (1990)
Kelly: [Kelly is talking about her internship] You know, they're not as nice as they seem on television. Like today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.
Marcy: Oh well, losing your first job isn't so bad.
Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.

"Married with Children: Earth Angel (#2.12)" (1987)
Marcy Rhoades: Come on Peggy, you've gotta help me. We must get rid of Tiffany.
Peggy Bundy: Oh no no no Marce. We must put an end to world hunger, we must buckle up for safety, but when it comes to Peg Bundy getting it regularly, we must go with the flow.

"Married with Children: The Unnatural (#5.4)" (1990)
Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.

"Married with Children: The Gypsy Cried (#3.8)" (1989)
[Marcy has caught Kelly and Bud stealing gasoline out of their car]
Marcy Rhoades: Peggy, can't you talk some sense into them?
Peggy Bundy: [to Kelly and Bud] Kids, you know the speech, you did a bad thing, blah, blah, don't do it again.

"Married with Children: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 (#2.6)" (1987)
Marcy Rhodes: Steve is going to go crazy. My wedding ring is gone forever.
Peggy Bundy: Oh Marcy, calm down. Men don't notice things like that.
Marcy Rhodes: Not Steven, he notices everything. Do you know what we do in bed sometimes?
Peggy Bundy: Yeah, Bud tells us.

"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.12)" (1989)
Marcy Rhoades: [drunk] Excuse me, Marcy, I'm Al. Do you know where I live?
Al: Why didn't you let me in the bank, Marcy?
Marcy Rhoades: Oh... I was going to. But I got so sleepy. I guess I just had a few too many drinks and I fell asleep. Oh, but you got to see this. Some bimbo at the bank got so smashed that she xeroxed her behind! Just look at that scrawy thing! Everyone got one. Imagine the humiliation when she shows up for work Monday morning!
Al: Yeah, it's a Christmas to remember. Now, let's get you home. Let's hail you a cab. Tell the driver to take you to Dock 43 on the wharfs, walk up to the first toothless sailor you see, show him this picture... and you're home.
Marcy Rhoades: Thank you, Al. Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to throw up in your next door neighbor's mailbox!