Bud Bundy
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Quotes for
Bud Bundy (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Married with Children: Teacher Pets (#6.21)" (1992)
Peggy: He's in a suit. Is there a funeral at school today?
Bud: Yes. 'Tis the death of Bud Bundy, lonely boy, and the birth of Stud Bundy, only boy. I have a date!

Bud: Now can I get a "Whoa, Bud is popular"?
Buck the dog: How about a "Whoa, shoot the boy"?

Al Bundy: What are you people trying to do, ruin my boy's confidence? Now, if he says a teacher looked at him, I say a teacher looked at him. Son, was this a female teacher?
Bud: Yes, Dad.
Al Bundy: Seriously?

Bud: Dad, why are you dressed like that?
[Al is wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm with Andy"]
Al: Little Andy Maynard is having his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He is going to have pizza!
[Al wraps present]
Al: Of course there is nothing in the box, but when they realize that, I will be full and gone!

Bud: Dad, I've been seeing two women at once and it's wearing me out. I don't know how to juggle two women. Did you ever have this problem?
Al: You're talking to Old #33 here! Do you know how I got that number?
Bud: 'Cause the most money you've ever had was 33 cents?
Al: No! Because that's how many women deep the line was to ride the wild Bundy.

Al Bundy: Hey Bud, Mom is sick. Get her an aspirin.
Bud: I am bushed.
Al Bundy: No pressure. Do it tomorrow.

Bud: [thinking] Two, two, two babes at once. God, I envy me!
Student: Hey, did you guys hear the news, Miss McGowan's dating a student!
Student: She ran off with a football player.
Student: Yeah. She said he was the only one who could ever satisfy her.
Bud: [thinking] No big thing, that leaves me more time to give to the younger babe.
[Darlene pulls away from Bud]
Bud: Good news babe, now you've got me all to yourself.
Darlene: Drop dead! If you can't satisfy an older woman like Miss McGowan, what the hell would I want with you?
Bud: Well, let's just see how you feel when the new teacher gets here. I haven't seen a temp that didn't need a little lovin'
Mrs. A. Mariner: [an ugly old woman appears] I'm Mrs. A. Mariner and I'll be the new teacher for the rest of the semester.
[Mrs. Mariner sees Bud and pinches his cheek]
Bud: [thinking] and then again, there's always Chuck E. Cheese with Dad. Well, great thing about being at the bottom is you can't fall any lower.
Al Bundy: [Al appears] You cradle robber! You Cher!

Bud: I know! I'll prove it's a dream. I'll take down my pants and it'll be so embarrassing, I'll wake up.
[Bud lowers his pants to the shock of entire class]
Bud: I'm even dreaming that I ran out of underwear.

Bud: [doorbell rings] That must be her now, a half hour early I might add. Well, who can blame her. Sometimes I can't wait to touch myself either... you know what I mean.
Peggy: I'm afraid we do.

Miss McGowen: Class dismissed... except for you Mr. Bundy.
Bud: [thinking] What could this be? I hope she didn't notice me staring obsessively at her legs.
Miss McGowen: Mr. Bundy, I've noticed you during class staring obsessively at my legs
Bud: [thinking] Well, at least she didn't catch me looking at other things.
Miss McGowen: ...and other things

Al Bundy: I'm afraid it may not be you she's after. I'm afraid she might be after the vast Bundy fortune. She wants everything we have.
Bud: Dad, I've seen the trunk of her car, she's got everything we have.
Al Bundy: It's still not right. Son, you got plenty of time to date 40-year-old women when you're 70, no wait, make that uh hmmm 35 when you're 80, yeah feels more right to me.


"Married with Children: You Better Watch Out (#2.13)" (1987)
Marcy: [after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
[Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza]
Al: Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies.
Peggy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg.
Bud: Mmm!
Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard!
Al: What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?

Kelly: Dad, why don't we get Bud one of those scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture.
Bud: You really wanna save the furniture, Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bed posts?
Al: Now Bud, apologize to your sister.
Bud: No.
Al: Okay.

Peggy: Thank your father, Kids.
Bud, Kelly: [sourly] Thanks, Dad.

Al: Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out.
Bud: So long, Kel.
Kelly: Yeah, like they really intended to have you.
Peggy: Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.

Coroner: Well, that about wraps it up out there. I just have a few routine questions for my report if you don't mind. Did any of you know the diseased?
Peggy: Well, I read about him in books. But in books, he's usually going up instead of down.
Coroner: Okay, so that's a "no." Did anyone actually see him fall and hit the ground?
Bud: I wish.

Al: Aren't you forgetting something, coolest Dad in the world?
Bud: Best Dad in the universe.
Peggy: You who makes my life worth living.
Al: You all want your Christmas presents, don't ya?
Peggy: [sarcastic] No, we really love you.

Bud: Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?
Al: No we can't and I'll tell you why. That mall is killing your father.
Bud: Oh, I thought Mom was doing that.

Al: Peg, I'm ashamed of you.
Peggy: I know.
Al: Peg! If you keep shopping at that new mall, we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under the 'L'!
Peggy: Not me. I can always divorce you and remarry.
Bud: And me and Kelly will be living in a foster home.
Kelly: Let's go shopping. Put Dad in a early grave!
Al: Uh, family before you go, would you get old Daddy's shotgun and stand close together?

Bud: Dad, where are our Christmas presents?
Kelly: He probably has them in the car, don't you?
Al: Well, no. Remember when I said that when we didn't have much that we could always look at the poor people less fortunate then us and feel better? Well... let's find a mirror.


"Married with Children: Sofa So Good (#8.14)" (1994)
Kelly: Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tomorrow. Is there any way that I can talk you into taking full blame for this?
Bud: Sure. If you can get me a woman who won't say no.
Kelly: So there's no way.

Jefferson: This may come as a surprise to you, but your couch wasn't exactly a popular item.
Bud: How many were made? 1,000? 500?
Jefferson: Two.
Kelly: How many did they sell?
Jefferson: One.
Kelly: Great. Then all we have to do is find the one they sold. How hard could that be?
Bud: [Giving Kelly a look] Boy when your looks go, you're dead. You're dead.

Kelly: [the couch has been torched] If Mom finds out about this, it could kill her.
Bud: Kel, don't you think you're exaggerating just a little?
Kelly: [the phone rings; Kelly answers] Hello?
Peggy: Is my couch okay?
Kelly: Your couch? Why yes, it's fine. It's lovely. Why do you ask?
Peggy: Well the funniest thing happened: for no reason, my rear end suddenly got warm.

Bud: [the couch has been torched] If we're going to get a new couch, we need a picture of the old one.
Kelly: Good idea. You're a genius.
[takes a picture of the torched couch]
Kelly: Now what?
Bud: Now we send this to Ripley's, along with your picture... I meant a picture BEFORE the fire!

Bud: Dad, you want me to take the bag to the car?
Al: No, she can walk.

Bud: I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl!
Kelly: And do you really think they're going to believe that?

Kelly: You see, Budrick, these kids look at me as the Verminator, and all they see is glamor and bright lights and deadly poison, but I'm more than just a sexy chick who kills bugs. I'm a role model. So I volunteered to shoot a public service announcement in the house to encourage them to read.
Bud: [incredulously] But, Kel, you can't read.
Kelly: Yeah, well, you can't score, but you still have a bed. Anyway, I just thought that it was time I gave something back to the community.
Bud: Well, judging by the lines at the free clinic, you already have.
Kelly: You know, that's the sort of crack that would have made the old Kelly call you a 'rubber-loving Barbie thumper.'

Bud: I can't believe you burnt down Mom's couch.
Kelly: [defensively] Well, I can't believe you bought that stupid 'concern for illiteracy' crap. I mean, if you had doubted me the way you were supposed to, this never would have happened.
Bud: Nice try, pyro-nymph.
Kelly: Bud, you've got to help me.
Bud: Oh sure, if you don't mind a life of servitude and degradation, I hear Saudi-Arabia needs blondes
[grins]
Bud: .

Bud: [fashioning a haphazard little love nest on the front porch] Now, I know this might not be quite as comfortable as what you're used to, my dear, but personally, I find making love indoors restrictive. So I'm glad that attendant threw us out of his photomat.
Naomi: You're as broke as a two-dollar wristwatch, aren't you?
Bud: And hornier than a funeral in New Orleans, baby.
[gesturing at the makeshift bed]
Bud: Shall we?
Naomi: [scoffs] No!
Bud: No? Where'd you pick up that kind of language?
Naomi: Look, I don't know what kind of tramp you think I am, but just because a man can build a nest like a wren, doesn't mean I'll make out with him. Goodbye.
[turns and leaves]
Bud: But I'm wearing 'Simply Abe!'
[waves the dollar note worn around his collar]


"Married with Children: Valentine's Day Massacre (#8.17)" (1994)
Bud: [after checking the mailbox on Valentine's Day] Damn you! Damn you all! Damn the whole... damn world!

Bud: Dad, tell Kelly I found Crystal Brooks. She's performing here in town and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel. I'm gonna go see her and set things straight. Ha ha, witchy woman. Bite me.
Al Bundy: Did you get that?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh yeah, he wants Emperor Crystal to bite him.

Kelly Bundy: [hands over a valentine card to Bud] Listen, before you open it, there's something I should tell you. Now, I was supposed to give this to you six years ago, but I forgot. Well, 'cause quite frankly, you repulsed me.
[Bud gives her a look and opens the card]
Kelly Bundy: Oh, come on, Bud, it's just a stupid Valentine's card, it's not like you missed out on some once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bud: [reads the card] "Dearest Bud. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity."
[Kelly cringes]
Bud: "My parents won't be home tonight, and I need you more than anything. Please don't stand me up, it would destroy me. Love, Bernice Windchester."

Bud: [dressed in stolen bellboy uniforms in order to sneak past a bodyguard] Okay, Sasquatch. It's checkout time.
[Hearing his voice, the door near Bud opens up and a very large older woman named Rita steps out]
Rita: Oh good, they sent a cute one this time.
Bud: Huh? Wha? Oh, for the love of God, no! No!
[Rita pulls Bud into her room and shuts the door]
Bud: [heard from inside the room] Help me-eee!
[Rita opens her door and puts a Do Not Disturb sign on it, then goes back in and a lot of commotion is heard]
Bud: [heard from inside the room] Mommeeeeeeeee!
[after being raped by a very large older woman called Rita]
Bud: Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.

Bud: Hi there. It's me, Bud Bundy. Well, I guess you don't recognise me 'cause I've bulked up a little since the last time you saw me. Let me refresh your memory. Six years ago, you sent me a touching Valentine which I never received until today. Now, I know we can never be lovers...
[he looks at her hopefully, but gets no reaction]
Bud: If it's any consolation at all, I would've come over that night. And we would've made beautiful, passionate, hot monkey love.
Woman: [looks back into her room] Crystal? Someone's here to see you.

Kelly Bundy: Hey, Bud. What happened with Crystal?
Bud: Well, I apologized, she understood, and then her bodyguard skee-balled me the entire length of the building.
[he puts an icepack on his neck]
Bud: I did, however, meet a lovely woman named Rita. And I learned something: in space, no one really can hear you scream. Good night.

Kelly Bundy: [contrite] Bud, I'm really sorry. Listen, if anyone ever gives me a love note for you again, I promise I'll deliver it. Okay?
Bud: You're not just saying that because you know I'll never get one?
Kelly Bundy: [looks down, shame-facedly guilty, then, as the doorbell rings, goes to answer it, opening the door]
Crystal Brooks: [in doorway] Kelly?
Kelly Bundy: Mm?
Crystal Brooks: I'm Crystal Brooks.
Kelly Bundy: Oh, hi.
Crystal Brooks: Is Bud here?
Kelly Bundy: Yeah. You want me to get him?
Crystal Brooks: No, I gotta get to my concert. Howie Mandel opens for me, and the crowd hates it when I'm late. Would you please give him this message? Tell him to meet me at the hotel after the concert.
Kelly Bundy: Okay.
Crystal Brooks: Please?
Kelly Bundy: Don't worry. I will.
Crystal Brooks: If he stands me up this time, he's had it.
Kelly Bundy: Okay, bye.
[Crystal turns, leaves]
Kelly Bundy: Hey, Bud!
Bud: [from upstairs] Yeah?
Pinworm: [man arrives in doorway, even worse than Mayhem] Whoa, babe, your butt looks bitching!
[leering at her lasciviously as she preens]
Pinworm: You ready?
Kelly Bundy: Yeah. Wait! There's something I'm supposed to do.
[looks around]
Kelly Bundy: Oh, my coat. I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to my - - Well, I forgot what it was attached to. Let's go!
[off she goes, with Pinworm as episode ends]


"Married with Children: No Chicken, No Check (#8.6)" (1993)
Bud: Why don't you buy us a new car, Dad?
Al: Why didn't I think of that? New cars for everybody. What about you Peg; would you like a new BMW?
Peggy: I don't know. I've always seen myself in a Jaguar.
Al: Oh, if we could only find one that hungry.

[Bud and Kelly are double dating at the drive-in]
Sonya: American movies are so rich and confusing. So much texture and subplot.
Bud: Well, the thing to remember is that Elmer is mad at Bugs because he tied his gun barrel into a bow.
Kelly: Exchange student, huh? What did we send her country; a head of lettuce and some sand?

[Al and the kids have returned from the auto auction]
Peggy: Did you buy the kids a car, Al?
Kelly: [off screen] DON'T TOUCH MY CAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN!
Bud: [off screen] IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING IN IT!
Al: Yes, I did. And, as you can see, all of my worries about them fighting were unfounded.
[Looks out the window where Kelly has Bud in a headlock beating him on the head]
Al: On the upside, however, I did get them to knock off $100. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?

Bud: Hey, Kel. Guess what; I've got a date tonight with a foreign exchange student who's so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem.

Al: [Al is explaining the auto insurance policy to Kelly] One: you can't drive on paved roads. Two: cars have the right of way. And because you have to always be on official farm business...
[pulls out a live chicken]
Al: This must always be in your car, hence the South Forty motto "No Chicken, No Check".
Bud: [comes through the front door] Hey, Kel.
[looks at Al]
Bud: South Forty Insurance, Dad?
Al: It's a damn fine company, "The Farmer's Best Friend" next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.

Kelly: Does your date mean more to you than my happiness?
Bud: A milkshake means more to me than your happiness.


"Married with Children: Driving Mr. Boondy (#9.2)" (1994)
Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time, day and night! When you bring your dates over, I WILL be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son?
Bud: Not the ones that read, "If you lived here you'd be home now"!
Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails, and eating Cheese Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, Son, HOW DID I DO?
Bud: [hands Al a card] You passed.

Bud: Dad, I need $700.
Al: No problem, we'll sell the house. Of course we'll have to come up with the other $500.

[Kelly is wearing a skimpy outfit]
Bud: I see you're wearing your "Love me for my mind" outfit.

Bud: Boondy. Al Boondy.

[Bud is Al's driving examiner]
Bud: Look, Mr. Boondy, I am merely being a professional civil server and I've taken an oath. HOOTERS. HOOTERS. PULL OVER.
[a German Blonde gets in the car]
Bud: Oh by the way, Dad, I'm deducting five points. You should never pick up hitchhikers.


"Married with Children: Calendar Girl (#10.17)" (1996)
Crystal Clark: I'm sorry, Bud, I just can't pose for a national calendar. I mean, what if my parents saw me?
Bud: It's not like you're gonna be nude or anything.
Crystal Clark: What would I be wearing?
Bud: This.
[presents a string bikini]
Bud: It's a large.

[last lines]
Crystal Clark: With kind words, Bud Bundy helped to convince me I have nothing to be ashamed of. And, he's quite the kisser.
Bud: YES! Everyone knows I kissed her. I am a god!
TV Host: Now, Crystal, you said there's something you wanted to tell the world live on our show.
Bud: She's gonna propose to me. I do.
Crystal Clark: Yes, it's time for my family and the rest of the world to see the person I've become. Bud Bundy has made me proud to be a woman who was born... a man.

Peggy: Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go.
[Drives off in a limousine]
Al: [Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us.
Bud: Mom is gone?
Al: Yeah.
Bud: Was it something I did?
Al: I don't know. Maybe.

Bud: I want to be sincere with you and tell you how much this calendar means to me. Um, Crystal, I don't talk about my brother much. But, well, Judd and I... We were born Siamese twins. We shared everything, we had to. And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways. I went to school and Judd went into a Mason jar. We don't expect him to live very long, I mean he's not much more than an eye, a foot and some hair. But you see I made him this solemn promise that I would make him a calendar of the best damn good looking girls at Trumaine. So Crystal, if you can't do this for me, do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar. What do you say?
[Crystal glares at him]
Bud: O.K.

Bud: Parents love their children no matter what they do.
Al: Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hershey's Kiss. You're in the will.
Kelly: NO, DAD. NO.


"Married with Children: Dances with Weezie (#8.10)" (1993)
Bud: Hey, Dad, we heard the sports bar is opening the same night as the Jeffersons tour.
[Stifling laughter]
Bud: Which one are you going to?
[Laughs]
Al: Ha ha ha. Kids, you wanna do ol' Dad a favor before he kills ya?

Bud: I cannot believe this actually worked. Mom was so convinced I was Dad that she picked my pocket during the last scene change.
Kelly: What are you complaining about? At least you didn't get a hickey from Marcy!

Marcy: It's the Jeffersons Movin' On Up Tour.
Bud: Was the Facts of Life Eatin' On Up Tour all sold out?

Kelly: [At a Jeffersons stage show] Where's the guy that says, "Dyno-Mite."?
Bud: No, you're thinking of that other show, "Gimme A Stroke".

Kelly: If Beavis and Butt-head did a live stage show 100 years from now, I'd go to it.
Bud: Kelly, Beavis and Butt-head are cartoons.
Kelly: They prefer to be called "dimensionally challenged".


"Married with Children: Oh, What a Feeling (#4.9)" (1989)
Bud: Hi, mum.
Peggy: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, mum.
Peggy: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg, and before you say "Hi, the milkman", it's me.
Peggy: I know, I have a nose.

Kelly: Hi, Daddy. I saw you pushing the car. Doesn't it work?
Al: [sarcastic] Oh, sure it does, honey. It was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it sitting in the car like all those other jerks on the expressway.
Kelly: Oh.
Al: Of course it doesn't work! Honey, if you saw Dad pushing it why didn't you come and give me a hand?
Kelly: Well, it looked pretty boring. I mean you were going so slow and everything. You know, a person could get a heart attack pushing a car in this heat. And you gotta think about Mom. What would she do if she lost the both of us? If you kick, it's okay she can always marry again, but if I went...
Al: Kelly, honey! Forget about it, okay? Just give old Dad a chance to push his spleen through his navel.
Bud: [Bud enters] Hey, Dad. We saw you pushing the old car. Me and some of my friends thought you'd never make it up the hill.
Al: Did you ever thing about helping old Dad?
Bud: In this heat?
Al: You know, you kids have been so great. Why don't you hop in this car and I'll push the two of you to the ice cream parlor.
Kelly: Thanks, Dad! Oh, and push it fast so we'll look cool.

[Al, for the first time ever, DRIVES into the garage in a old Dodge Ford car to the tune of Sam & Dave's 'I'm Walkin']
Kelly: Daddy... you're driving!
Al: You darn tootin'. What do you think?
Peggy: It looks just like your old car.
Al: Peg, you never can relize how important a man's car is and how much it has been used. My old car had just over 99,000 miles on it. This only only has... 18. What does that tell you?
Bud: [sarcastic] That this car was only driven one mile per year?

Al: [Al is trying to fix the car] Alright, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
Bud: Uh, Dad, you might want to tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.

Bud: Dad, wouldn't it be a lot easier to walk to work without a car?


"Married with Children: Old Insurance Dodge (#7.24)" (1993)
Kelly: Here's a Mercedes for 50K's. You don't even need money. I happen to have some spare K's from those letters they sent home from school saying, "Kelly is an idiot". Who's the idiot now?
Al: [Overwhelmed] Peg.
Peggy: That's great news, Honey. Why don't you run up and get those K's?
Kelly: You betcha and Bud, you can help too. You can probably get one out of the paper because there's always one in there about President Clinton and his cat.
Bud: And the current controversy over campaign contribution.
Kelly: Wow. What a veritable cornucopia of K's.

Bud: Dad, this is kind of illegal.
Al: Gee that's right, I guess I should rethink the whole thing. Little sissy.
Bud: I mean, insurance companies have been ripping us off for years. Maybe we should get our fair share, right?

Bud: Why are you watching Spanish television?
Kelly: Spanish? I thought they were just English words I didn't know.

Peggy: This is just their starting offer. Go bargain with him.
Bud: No, we don't want Dad to negotiate. He's a moron.
Al: I am. I am a moron. What should I do?
Kelly: Just remember the old saying, "A bird in the hand is worth a foot in the tush".
Al: What are you saying?
Kelly: I don't know.

Al: What should I do?
Peggy: Negotiate.
Bud: Take the money.
Kelly: Buy a vowel.


"Married with Children: Naughty But Niece (#9.4)" (1994)
Bud: I know what I did was wrong and I should be punished.
Al: Yes you should. But how?
Kelly: I say we put him in a sack and drop him off the Sears Tower.
Al: Where the hell am I going to get a sack?

Bud: I'm sorry about that, Dad. I just haven't slept much 'cause I'm studying for a scholarship. The test is tomorrow and if I ace it, I'll get to study at Oxford. You have heard of Oxford?
Al: Heard of it? Hell, I've been selling them for years.

Amber: Psst! Psst!
Bud: [reaches under his bed] Damn leaky rubber woman!

Bud: [after Amber slips upstairs and gives Bud a seductive look] Dad, whatever you do, just don't send me to my room. Especially for a whole week. That would kill me.
Al: [after short pause] You go to your room. For one week.
Bud: You're a cruel, but fair man.
[runs]

Bud: Who are you?
Griff: Name's Griff. I work here.
Bud: That's funny. Dad told never told me he hired another guy.
Griff: And who are you?
Bud: Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
Griff: That's funny. He never told me he had a son?
Bud: A daughter?
Griff: Nope.
Bud: A wife?
Griff: Not living.
Bud: Four touchdowns in one game?
Griff: Oh, hell yeah.


"Married with Children: Kiss of the Coffee Woman (#10.25)" (1996)
Bud Bundy: Kelly, I got you another job. Damn, I'm a good agent. If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly Bundy: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

Bud Bundy: Just for that, I'm not going to tell you who got the part in the next Romantic Roast coffee TV commercial.
Kelly Bundy: Oh, please, Bud. Tell me, please.
Bud Bundy: Well, she's blond, she's standing right next to me, and she doesn't have a brain in her head.
Kelly Bundy: Could you be a little more specific?
Bud Bundy: You, you dullard!
Kelly Bundy: What? I got the job? Oh my God. All I did was read a few lines at the audition. I mean, this time I didn't even have to uncross my...
[everyone stares oddly at Kelly]
Kelly Bundy: Uh... my fingers, or anything like that.

Al: Kelly, I know you're grown up, even though you still live at home and occasionally pick up the phone when you hear the doorbell. But, sweetheart, look, why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet.
Kelly: That's not me, Dad.
Bud: That's the picture that came with the wallet.
Al: Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice - a little boy or a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's symbolic.
Kelly: She's Chinese, Dad!
Al: That's what I was hoping you would be!
Kelly: Oh, Daddy... I'm sorry I'm not Chinese.
Al: Oh, sweetheart, that all right, now.

Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.


"Married with Children: Who'll Stop the Rain (#4.13)" (1990)
Peggy: Al, just call a roofer.
Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
Bud: Eat Mom's food!

Peggy: Well, who's going to go up there and tell your father that metal conducts electricity?
Kelly, Bud: Not me. We could get hurt up there.

[Al is getting readly to fix the roof]
Al: OK, whose going up with me besides Bud?
Bud: Dad, anyone who would go up on that roof with you during a lighting storm would have to be a complete idiot.
Kelly: Oh, No! I'm not going up there either.

Peggy: [Al has gone outside to fix the roof] Kids! Hurry, come quick!
Bud: What is it, Mom? Creditors? Should I boil some water?
Peggy: No, kids. You know how you are always complaining that your father never does anything with the family? Well, just watch that window and your father has a big surprise for us.
Peggy: Right about now; three, two, one
[Al screams and falls past the window, family laughs and claps]
Peggy: Okay, back to bed, kids.
Kelly: That was really great. You know, I'm so happy that I'm going to give Daddy his wallet back.
Bud: But, we're going to keep the money, right?
Kelly: Well, we didn't see him hit the ground.


"Married with Children: England Show III: We're Spending as Fast as We Can (#6.26)" (1992)
[Al and Bud have halted on the borderline between Upper Uncton and Lower Unction, resulting in a stalemate between the two towns]
Bud Bundy: Why aren't they killing us, Dad?
Al Bundy: I don't know, son. We must be on the borderline.
Trevor: Right, then! I'll settle this.
[He snaps his fingers, and the Upper Uncton townspeople seize Peg and Kelly]
Trevor: [points his gun at Peg's head] Now, then: come over here, or your wife and daughter are through!
[Al and Bud trade an incredulous look, then laugh uproariously, taunting and beckoning Trevor to kill Peg and Kelly anyway]
Winston: You fool! That didn't work with the other Bundys either.

Trevor: Let the tournament commence!
Al Bundy: [to the Bundys] Well, this is it. Wish me luck, kids.
Bud Bundy: [scoffs] What good would it do?
Al Bundy: [to Kelly] Pumpkin, what do you have to say?
Kelly Bundy: [sobbing] Daddy's dying!
Al Bundy: [sarcastic] Well, that's comforting.

[Al and Bud are still on the borderline between Upper Unction and Lower Unction as the stalemate continues]
Bud Bundy: Dad, I think it was brave of you say to them: "take me and let the boy go free."
Al Bundy: I didn't say that, son.
Bud Bundy: Don't you think it would be a good time to DO IT?
Al Bundy: Why would I say that? What better and unhappy way to die then with my only ungrateful son?
Bud Bundy: [sourly] I love you, Dad.
Al Bundy: [scoffs] Yeah, right!

Bud Bundy: Wait guys, before you shoot, I just want to say one thing. The blonde over there is a boy.
Winston: Come On! It's not THAT dark over here, lad.


"Married with Children: Bud Hits the Books (#10.24)" (1996)
Al: [Bud has covered a poster of a sexy woman with a picture of Barbara Bush] Aah. What the hell are you doing?
Bud: Studying.
Al: What? Why presidents marry ugly?

Miss Hardaway: Bud Bundy, you are charged for indecent exposure and lewd behavior. How do you plead?
Bud: Absolutely, 100% not guilty.

Bud: Miss Hardaway has had a crush on me for years. In fact, at this very moment she's thinking what I look like under my clothes.
Miss Hardaway: That is a tight little lie. Er, I mean a little white lie.

Bud: I was caught having sex in the college library.
Al: All right. That's my boy.
[Starts shaking Bud's hand]
Al: Who's the lucky girl?
Bud: You're shaking her.


"Married with Children: Nooner or Later (#8.21)" (1994)
Bud Bundy: Where are you going?
Peggy Bundy: We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
Kelly Bundy: Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
Al: Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
Bud Bundy: But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
Al: Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.

Kelly Bundy: I got us backstage passes. All I had to do was trade places with some guy.
Bud Bundy: Kelly, these are bus transfers.
Kelly Bundy: Hey, not only can we get backstage, we have a way to the concert!
Bud Bundy: [annoyed] You can't be this dumb.
Kelly Bundy: I can be anything I wanna be. It's the 90s.

Kelly Bundy: [in the long queue for the rock concert] I'm starving. It's obvious Mom's not gonna bring us any food. And I can't leave you here. You'd give away our place to anything in a skirt.
Bud Bundy: Well, I'm not leaving you here. You'd give your skirt away to anyone in the place.

Bud Bundy: I can't believe it. The guy in front of us gets the last ticket, and what do I get? I spend three days of my life with you.
[she raises her eyes]
Bud Bundy: Three days! Oh, sure, it might be fun for the Navy, but...
[gives her a dirty look]
Kelly Bundy: Yeah, like you had anything better to do than dunk your girlfriend in water to see where she leaks.
Bud Bundy: Hey, at least she has an excuse for having air in her head.
[gets an amused look]
Bud Bundy: That is, if I had a rubber girlfriend.
[she continues to gloat]
Bud Bundy: Which I... Which I don't.
[gloating look continues]
Bud Bundy: Not... Not anymore...


"Married with Children: Magnificent Seven (#7.1)" (1992)
Peggy Bundy: [opens the door] Zemus! Ida Mae!
Zemus: Peggy, you look good enough to eat!
[he moves to hug her, she smacks him on the forehead]
Peggy Bundy: No!
Zemus: [moves to hug Kelly] Little cousin...
Kelly Bundy: [smacks him] No!
Zemus: [opens his arms] Big boy...
Bud Bundy: [raising a fist] Don't even dream about it, Zemus.

Peggy Bundy: I just came to say goodnight.
Bud Bundy: Goodnight, Mom.
Peggy Bundy: [casually] Yeah, thanks.
[goes over to Seven]

Bud Bundy: Even I can't keep my hands off this butt.
[feels his butt, Peggy comes in and sees him]
Peggy Bundy: You need to talk to your father.

Kelly: You can stay in Bud's room. Have you ever seen a rubber woman?
Bud: Isis is not rubber. She's breathable latex. And she breaks, just like a little girl.


"Married with Children: Get Outta Dodge (#8.18)" (1994)
Bud: Do we get to drive the Viper?
Al: No.
Bud: Why should we help you guard the Dodge, then?
Al: Because we're family, dammit.
Bud: So are the Jacksons. Good night.

Lisa Pruner: [hesitant about making out with Bud] But what if your sister comes in?
Bud: [confidently] I wouldn't worry about her. I've given her a little task.
Kelly: [Entering living room] Waldo?
[searching high and low]
Kelly: Okay, he's not in the garage, that much we know.
Bud: And you just keep looking, Kelly. You're doing a great job.
Kelly: I know. Maybe he's upstairs?
Bud: Maybe so. Maybe no. That's what makes finding Waldo such a great game.
Kelly: Yeah, well, he can run, but he can't hide. Cause no-one can outsmart me once I start using the old grey mattress.
[tapping the side of her head where her brains are supposed to be]
Bud: [to Lisa] That's my sister, Kelly. She's very special.

Lisa Pruner: [uncertain about making out] I'm scared, Bud. I mean, you don't know how strict my Dad is. Last time I was caught like this, I was grounded for six months, and the team couldn't go to the Rose Bowl.
Bud: We can't get caught. Come here.
[steers her to the couch]
Bud: Why don't you put those pretty little lips to something more useful? Like me?
[front door opens, it's Peggy and Al, interrupting shame-faced Bud]
Peggy: Lisa Pruner, I am telling your father!
Lisa Pruner: Can't get caught, huh?
[slaps him twice]
Radio: [song, triggered by the sound of the two slaps] I'm just a lonely boy...

Bud: [to gorgeous loose-running blonde he just brought home] Well, here we are, my dear, 'Casa de Bundy.' Otherwise known as 'Home of the Whopper.'


"Married with Children: Wedding Show (#7.13)" (1993)
[Bud asks Kelly for a good pick-up line to use at a wedding]
Kelly: Okay, what about this: "Hey, miss, I'm the Keebler Elf! Would you like some free cookies? If you've got the time, I've got the hollow tree."
Bud: Yeah, maybe I asked the wrong person. You're used to responding to, "Yo, here!"

Kelly: Oh, okay, you little gibbon. The next time you see a girl, stand on her feet so she can't run. Then you look deep into her eyes and say, "you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and I'd love to share a night of incredible sex with you. No names, no witnesses, no regrets. Come be one with me."
Bud: You really think that's better than, "Let's do it. I have my own bedroom in my parents' house"?

Kelly: [alarmed] What did you do?
Bud: A gentlemen never tells.
[pause, then]
Bud: I had SEX! With a girl! And I did it good!
Kelly: Oh my God...
Bud: That's what she said - twice.
Kelly: What, once when you got undressed and once when you put on your bunny slippers?

[Bud sits back, putting his hands behind his head]
Bud: I feel good. Yep, I do. Talk all you want, nothing can bring me down.
Kelly: You just had sex with your Cousin Jimmy's bride.
Bud: ...Well, that did it!


"Married with Children: Build a Better Mousetrap (#2.15)" (1988)
Bud Bundy: Did you hear any noises last night, Kel?
[Kelly shakes her head for "no"]
Bud Bundy: I mean, for a while I thought they were coming from your room, but they weren't the usual noises. You know, the whispers, "Quiet. You'll wake up my parents." Then the muffled sound of eight footsteps heading for the window. Then the sound of loose change hitting the pillow.
Kelly Bundy: You know, Bud, with your good looks I think that you should be a model. I mean, I could see it now, your face on a poster with the caption: "My daddy didn't use a condom."

Peggy: Kids, I'm sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are some things from childhood, you just can't forget.
Kelly Bundy: I hope this isn't true, Mom.
Peggy: Now, how about a hug?
Bud Bundy: Can't, Mom. You've got cooties.

Kelly Bundy: Dad, you cannot be serious! A mousetrap in MY room?
Bud Bundy: The guys under the bed object, Kel?
Kelly Bundy: Dad, it's a humiliation! What will my friends think when they see mousetraps everywhere?
Al: Well, they'll think that unlike Mr. Bundy, the mouse gets to eat before he dies.
Kelly Bundy: Mom, how long are we gonna have to live with this mouse?
Peggy: Well, your father's taking care of it.
Kelly Bundy: Oh great, might as well build him a room!

Bud Bundy: It says right here, that mice are pretty intelligent.
Al: Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.
[makes a space of half an inch with his fingers]
Al: Mine's at least twice that size!
Bud Bundy: Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.


"Married with Children: If Al Had a Hammer (#6.3)" (1991)
Bud: [Bud is explaining his new identity] My story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York and I am hiding out in Chicago because I killed a man or spray painted a tree or an old man or something.
Peggy: Excuse me but isn't that the plot of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'?
Bud: Yes, but that's an NBC show, so who would know?

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy; there was a fixin' man.
Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook; he didn't call anybody!
Peggy: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

[Bud has decided to become a rapper]
Bud: Goodbye, Bud Bundy; hello Grandmaster B.
Kelly: What does the B stand for?
Bud: 'Brother of an idiot'.

Kelly: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I bet there are plenty of cool guys who sit home on Friday night watching 'Star Trek' reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.
Bud: Let the record show that I was licking the screen in an attempt to clean it.


"Married with Children: Frat Chance (#7.6)" (1992)
[Bud is pretending to be homosexual to get Gerri, an attractive redhead wearing a tight red dress, to flirt with him]
Gerri: I'm telling you, all it takes is a good woman to set you straight.
Bud Bundy: Well, I've tried. But I just can't find a woman to excite me. But you do... a little.
Gerri: Well, what can we do to make it a lot?
Bud Bundy: I don't know. I'll think about it.
[Bud rests his head against Gerri's chest, bearly stiffing a smile]

Bud: Well, when I get my degree, from an accredited community college, I might add, I'll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends. And I'll be eating them out of the bra cups of my own private breakfast treat, Monique. Here's to the future.

Bud Bundy: [Bud sees the photo of a missing child on the milk carton] . Did they ever find this Lindbergh kid?


"Married with Children: Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (#3.13)" (1989)
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly's plea for help] What the hell. I hate you, but you're my sister.

Bud Bundy: [noticing the song Steve and Kelly are dancing to] "Anything Goes". That's your song, isn't it, Kel?

Bud Bundy: [final line]
[offstage, over the crowd]
Bud Bundy: Kelly! A Kennewick sister's got me! HELLLLP!


"Married with Children: Radio Free Trumaine (#9.26)" (1995)
Peggy Bundy: [taking Bud and April's picture] Say toes.
April Adams, Bud Bundy: Toes.
April Adams: Why toes?
Peggy Bundy: Well, in Wanker County, that's where cheese comes from.

April Adams: Nikolai, your warm kisses make me sear.
Bud Bundy: What about my kisses? They sear. Just ask anyone. Ask...
Nikolai Pushkin: Your mother?
Bud Bundy: Let's do it, punk!
[Bud rises from his chair, and Nikolai follows suit only to have the short Bud facing the hulking six-foot tall Nikolai]
Bud Bundy: [intimidated] I... accept your apology.

Bud Bundy: April, please choose me. Before I met you, a hot date was when one of my rubber women got her thigh stuck on a radiator.
Nikolai Pushkin: In Chechnya, we cannot afford rubber woman. What I did was I draw happy face on an inner tube.
Bud Bundy: Hey, I don't blame you. I've seen Russian women!
[Nikolai rises from his chair and Bud follows suit only to face a hulking six-foot tall against his small frame]
Bud Bundy: [intimidated] As long as you say you're sorry.


"Married with Children: You Better Shop Around: Part 2 (#5.22)" (1991)
[Bud and Kelly are harassing Jerry Mathers at Foodie's]
Bud: Can you settle a bet between my sister and me? She says you frittered away your money on cheap women and booze. I say it was donuts and cheap women.
The Beaver: Give me a quarter and go away.

[Bud and Kelly are still harassing Jerry Mathers at Foodies]
The Beaver: Look, here's 50 cents. It's all I have. Now please leave me alone.
Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Throughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
The Beaver: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Shamed, Bud and Kelly slink off]
The Beaver: Golly, that felt good.

Kelly: [Beaver is having a breakdown in Foodie'] Who is this blubbering mess?
Bud: I don't know; I think he used to be Opie.
The Beaver: Opie was Ron Howard, you fool; I was, no, I am the Beaver!
Boy: [Walking up to the Beaver] Can I have your autograph, Opie?
The Beaver: [Looks around] Okay, that'll be two dollars; in advance.


"Married with Children: How to Marry a Moron (#11.23)" (1997)
Peggy Bundy: Are you okay?
Kelly Bundy: I think so. I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie, but at least I have something that will always remind me of him.
Al Bundy: A $10,000 wedding debt?
Kelly Bundy: No Daddy, that's yours. I've got this.
[shows the diamond ring she still is wearing]
Kelly Bundy: And of course, my loved ones to console me.
Bud Bundy: We're here for you, Kel.
Kelly Bundy: Not you.
[Kelly runs and stands in front of her former boyfriends]
Kelly Bundy: Them.

Bud Bundy: [writing a letter] Dear Starla, How are things in solitary? Is it true that they throw you in the hole, naked? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Bud.

Mrs. Tot: [seeing Tatem Tot hugging Bud] Now don't they make a darling couple?
Bud Bundy: She makes a darling couple all by herself.


"Married with Children: The Mystery of Skull Island (#6.14)" (1992)
Kara: You're so brave Grandmaster B. You're all I ever wanted in a man. My last boyfriend was so boring. All we did was make love.
Bud Bundy: What a loser.
[thinking to himself]
Bud Bundy: I'm definitely not doing this. No way, no how, never.
[glances at Kara's cleavage; still thinking]
Bud Bundy: Oh man. Look at those hooters!
[smiling]
Bud Bundy: I'm doing it.

Bud Bundy: I'm totally done with women.
Al: What? What, did you get married?

Kara: Oh B, thank you for not hurting my father.
Bud Bundy: Well, from the fetal position, I can kill in three different ways.


"Married with Children: Grime and Punishment (#11.12)" (1997)
Bud: Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck.
Al: No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.

Bud: Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start.
[Bud removes the wire from Al's neck]
Al: Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys.
Bud: Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?

Al: Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with your tongue.
Bud: This is what you call a pat on the back?
Al: No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN. That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my old man, sweet guy. Sold my Schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in a wheelchair.


"Married with Children: How Bleen Was My Kelly (#10.5)" (1995)
Bud Bundy: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
Al Bundy: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peggy Bundy: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
Al Bundy: No, that's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Kelly Bundy: Bud, I think I finally found the antidote. Are you ready for the last test?
Bud Bundy: Hell, I'm ready for the last rites.

Kelly Bundy: I just got a part in TV movie. I'm playing Madame Curie. So to prepare for the part, I thought I'd get some first hand experience on what it's like to be a madame. So, does anyone know where there's a brothel around here?
Bud Bundy: Well, there's Howie's down by the airport...
[everyone looks oddly at Bud, who looks back with great embarrassment]
Bud Bundy: [changing the subject] I mean... uh... Madame Curie was no hooker. She was a famous French chemist who discovered radium... down by the airport.


"Married with Children: All in the Family (#2.22)" (1988)
Bud Bundy: Hey, Uncle Irwin. Are you gonna put your head through the TV again?
Uncle Irwin: If you're good.

Peggy Bundy: Al, how about taking us all out to eat?
Al Bundy: Eh, what the hell, kids. You really didn't want to go to college?
Kelly Bundy: We'd rather eat.
Uncle Irwin: Well, if we're gonna go, we'd better get going. 'Cause once we unload Peggy's mom, it's harder then hell to squeeze her back into our trailer. She's so huge and massive that she kicks like a mule.
Bud Bundy: Hey, Uncle Irwin, when we get to the restaurant, are you gonna put your head into the salad bar like last time?
Uncle Irwin: Well... if you're good.

Bud Bundy: Hey Mom, are we going to go down to the pony rides to see the look on the horse's face when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?
Peggy Bundy: No. Not today, Bud. Every since Daddy paid for dinner with his watch, he's been sort of a crab apple.
Uncle Irwin: I think he's mad at us.
Kelly Bundy: Don't take it personally. Daddy always takes a noose with him into the bathroom.
Peggy Bundy: Uh-oh! Daddy's in the bathroom? Mom's up there taking a bath! Well, maybe he won't notice...
[Al screams and appears walking down the stairs]
Al Bundy: Peg, I'm blind!
Peggy Bundy: Very funny, Al.
Al Bundy: No really Peg, I saw your mother naked and everything went black! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart! Now I'm not going to see Hondo, Peg!


"Married with Children: My Dinner with Anthrax (#6.18)" (1992)
Bud: Dad...
Al: Go away.
Bud: This isn't about money.
Al: Go away anyway.
Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al: All right, what?
Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

[the band Anthrax looks into the Bundy's refrigerator which is empty]
Anthrax Band Member: Wow, the desolation.
Anthrax Band Member: It's not totally empty. There's a chiopotle in there.
Bud: Guys, that's not a chiopotle. That was a meat loaf. But there's always Mom's aluminum foil wrapped mystery pack.
[the band grabs the aluminum wrapped package and begins eating the contents]
Bud: Oh, wow, they're gonna eat the mystery pack. Even Dad won't eat the mystery pack. These guys are cool!
Anthrax Band Member: Wow, the colors. The colors.
Anthrax Band Member: Is your hump moving?
Anthrax Band Member: Ow, it bit me.
Anthrax Band Member: If this stuff came out the fridge, why is it hot?
Anthrax Band Member: I see 50 people now. Let's jam.

Bud: I know how we can ease the boredom. Let's play a game. One of us will say their name, and the rest of us will say their name and add something that starts with the same first letter of that name. I'll start. Bud... ball.
Anthrax Band Member: Dan... bite me!


"Married with Children: Fair Exchange (#4.6)" (1989)
Yvette: Where will I be sleeping?
Bud Bundy: Uh, my room is this way. The left side of the bed is for you.
Kelly Bundy: That's because he wets to the right.

Kelly Bundy: [Bud is drilling a peephole] Bud, what are you doing?
Bud Bundy: I'm building a home entertainment center.

Yvette: [Yvette catches Bud drilling a peephole] Bud, what are you doing?
Bud Bundy: Uh, I'm uh, I'm giving you some ventilation, so the heat can get through.
Yvette: It's alright Bud, I don't mind if you peep.


"Married with Children: User Friendly (#9.23)" (1995)
Bud Bundy: You're talking to a guy who's had the real thing more times than there are stars in the sky.
Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr. Bundy.

Bud Bundy: Look Amber, I DO respect your mind. I'd just respect it even more if it would bounce gently when you walk.

Bud Bundy: Dr. Kessler introduced me to cyber sex and I can create Amber any time I want.
Kelly Bundy: But she's not the real Amber.
Bud Bundy: Oh she's better. She does what I want whenever I want. You see Kel, this is the breakthrough that men have been waiting for since the beginning of time. You know what, it looks like you and your cross-legged, "let's talk", gift-expecting, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, "what about me" bimbo sapiens are about to be made obsolete.


"Married with Children: The Chicago Wine Party (#7.7)" (1992)
Bud: Dad, who's our real father?
Al: Well, about a thousand blood tests say it's me.

Volunteer #1: [at a voting booth] Is this your first time?
[Bud's smile fades]
Bud: Are you kidding? Why does everyone look at me and just assume I'm a virgin? 'Cause I'm not. Could a virgin tell you the name and the last book read by every Playboy centerfold in the last ten years? I've been there and back, baby. I know the female body like I know my own hand.

[after a very drunk Al enters carrying a large stash of bannans]
Peggy Bundy: Kids, takes these bannans upstairs and put them next to the papias that Daddy bought the last time he got wacked.
Kelly Bundy: [quietly to Bud] God, I hate to see Daddy like this.
Bud: [quietly] Me too. I don't like to see him happy either.


"Married with Children: Assault and Batteries (#8.24)" (1994)
Kelly Bundy: Let's do something nice for him.
[Buck]
Bud Bundy: What can we do?
Buck the Dog: Food would be nice.
Kelly Bundy: I know. Let's take him out for some exercise.
Buck the Dog: Oh good, the very thing you need food for.

Kelly Bundy: Hey I know, lest's play...
Buck the Dog: Anything but frisbee.
Kelly Bundy: Frisbee
Buck the Dog: Noooooo, not the disk of death!
Bud Bundy: Oh ho ho ho, look at his eyes light up.
Buck the Dog: I'd tear out both their hearts if my teeth weren't in a glass in my doghouse.

Buck the Dog: [Kelly and Bud are fighting] Oh come on, she's never gonna get that frisbee to fit there.
Bud Bundy: Aaaaaargh!
Buck the Dog: Well I'll be damned.


"Married with Children: The House That Peg Lost (#3.16)" (1989)
[Bud crashes Kelly's slumber party dressed like Hugh Hefner]
Bud Bundy: Good eeeevning, ladies. Just a little reminder. When you get tired of the endless drone of girlish chatter, step up to pleasure. Step up to 'Club Bud'.

[last lines]
Bud Bundy: Where are you guys going?
Al Bundy: We're gonna sleep outside in the hole, Bud.
[Peggy and Al open the front door to find pouring rain]
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, it's raining.
Al Bundy: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.

Kelly Bundy: Hey, Bud, before you go, do us a favor and say, "I'm drinking milk, and one day I'm gonna be big and strong!"
[all the girls laugh]
Bud Bundy: Funny, Kel. Oh, I almost forgot, there were a few messages for you. Let's see... Dan Peterson called. He said that tomorrow night behind the Seven-Eleven would be fine.
Kelly Bundy: [quickly] Uh, Bud, I don't think we need to hear that now...
Lauren: Dan Peterson? That's my boyfriend!
Bud Bundy: [innocently] Oh, is he? Well, Kelly thinks he's hers. Now let's see... Greg Barnett called, too. You have a date with him on Tuesday. Oh, and "wear something tight."
Tasha: Wait a minute! I'm dating Greg.
Bud Bundy: [innocently] Uh-oh. Well, let's see... whose boyfriend is Bobby Brocatto?
Karen, Charlene: [together] Mine.
Bud Bundy: Uh-oh. Well, you guys have a lot to talk about. Good night.
[Bud exits]
Tasha: You're seeing my Greg?
Lauren: And Dan?
Kelly Bundy: Well... I wasn't going to keep them.
Lauren: Sow!
Tasha: Trollop!
Lauren: Tramp!
Tasha: Slut!
Lauren: Bundy!
[and with that, Kelly hauls off and punches Lauren. A huge catfight begins as Lauren and Tasha gang up on Kelly hitting, scratching and slapping her, and both Karen and Charlene begin punching and slapping each other. Bud re-appears at the top of the stairs and begins taking pictures of the girls catfight with a mini-camera]
Bud Bundy: Yum yum, gimme some!


"Married with Children: Wabbit Season (#5.8)" (1990)
Peggy Bundy: What's he doing now?
Bud Bundy: Well, he's got the flamthrower. He's aiming it at the hole. He shoots... and misses.
Peggy Bundy: Garden on fire?
Bud Bundy: Yep. And so is Mrs. Rhoades's fence. Whoa, look at her big tree go! Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.
Peggy Bundy: Give him a minute.
[a burst of flame passes the window, and Al runs in with his left foot on fire]

Bud: Eat Dad's okra.
Kelly: Lick his onions.

Al: [aiming a shotgun] Oh, Mr. Wabbit? Come and get a tasty cawwot...
[two gunshots]
Bud Bundy: Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.
Peggy Bundy: Hmph, give him a minute.
[a third gunshot; Al hops past the window on one foot, screaming in pain]


"Married with Children: Spring Break: Part 2 (#10.20)" (1996)
Bud Bundy: Mr. Wayne...
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: No, no. My name is Parley Wayne. Parley and Wayne are my first and middle names. My last name is Rockefeller. But I had to drop it 'cause I couldn't spell it.

Bud Bundy: Look, there has to be away out of here. Don't you have some transportation we could have? A car? A bicycle? A horse you're not dating at the moment?
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: Well, I do have this truck for rent. Burns as much oil as gas, but it's enougth to get you to Florida and back here.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: We'll take the truck. How much do you want for it?
Parley Wayne Rockefeller: A thousand dollars... cash. And also, leave the fat boy here.
[Parley Wayne stairs right at Hummer who looks terrified]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: That is an outrage!
Bud Bundy: Yeah, we don't have $1,000 in cash.

Hummer: [voice-over] Thanks for coming back to get me guys. I couldn't stand living with that Parley Wayne anymore.
Bud Bundy: [voice-over] Actually, we just came back to get gas and you happened to be in the back field pulling a plow... wearing a bridal veil.
Hummer: It was hot out.


"Married with Children: Oldies But Young 'Uns (#5.17)" (1991)
Al: I got Rick Cool himself.
Bud Bundy: Oh, Rick Cool, huh? Did Bobby "23 Skiddoo" quit?

Kelly Bundy: [to Vinnie] I'm not home!
Vinnie Verducci: Then is it okay if I wait?
Bud Bundy: [to Peggy] Mom, if my mixed up theory at the hospital is correct, I'd say we just found Kelly's natural brother.

Peggy Bundy: I know what you're thinking: "How can a woman barely out of Highschool herself be possibly the mother to a teenage daughter"?.
Vinnie Verducci: Actually I was thinking if we had trolls under our building. I mean, sometimes I hear noises. My dad says it's the pipes but now I wonder.
Bud Bundy: [annoyed] Look, I'm not a troll, I'm a boy you idiot!


"Married with Children: England Show I (#6.24)" (1992)
Bud: [in England] Hey look, a McDonald's.
Al: Peg, quick, get the camera.

Bud: Dad, it's an airport.
Al: Yep, only this time we're not dressed like Hare Krishnas.

Winston: Are there any more male Bundys?
Bud: Women wish there were.


"Married with Children: Get the Dodge Out of Hell (#9.17)" (1995)
Kelly Bundy: I have an idea. Why don't we get Buck to look for the car?
Bud Bundy: Oh, come on. Buck's 100! He's so old that he misses when he tries to lick himself.
Kelly Bundy: So do you! But dogs never lose their scense of smell.
[to Buck]
Kelly Bundy: Go find the Dodge, Buck boy.
[Buck continues to sit motionless]
Kelly Bundy: Buck, I said go find the car. Buck, go. Go. Go!
Peggy: What's he doing?
Bud Bundy: He's going.
Kelly Bundy: Oh... maybe I should have said leave.
Buck: [voice-over] I still would have gone.

Kelly Bundy: Maybe we should have Buck look for the car.
Bud Bundy: Come on, he's a hundred. He misses when he tries to lick himself.
Kelly Bundy: Yeah, so do you.

Bud Bundy: [hearing Al's Dodge clunking and sputtering up the drive] Okay, there's the Dodge early-warning system.


"Married with Children: How Green Was My Apple (#8.16)" (1994)
Al: That driveway out there. As you can see, it's built nowhere up to it's code. I made it out of ground up women's shoes. So, how much is the fine?
Gary Coleman: Well since you turned yourself in, I'll let it go at $100.
Al: I see, and what if I said I made it that way just to make you look like an idiot?
Gary Coleman: Then that would be $1,500.
Bud: And what if we called you a moron to boot?
Gary Coleman: $2,000.
Kelly: Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes?
Gary Coleman: No, I am not.
Kelly: Good. I hated that show.
Gary Coleman: $5,000.

Al: [Bud and his date are about to leave] Son, since you're using the Dodge tonight, I need you to stop by the hardware store and pick up fifty pounds of manure for me and stop at the drug store and pick up some 'rhoid cream for me.
Kelly: While you're there, get me some extra large maxipads too.
Bud: Does anyone need me to pick up anything really embarrassing?
Peggy: Suppositories!

Al: Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I want you to do me a favor. Go to the hardware store and get Daddy some smudge pots.
Kelly: [perplexed] What are smudge pots?
Al: They keep your apples warm, so they don't get frozen.
Bud: You call them Marines.
Kelly: Oh. All right.
Al: And, Son, I have an even more important job for you. Go get me fifty pounds of manure.
Peggy: Oh, and Bud, I need a jumbo box of tampons.
Al: And don't forget my 'rhoid cream.
Bud: Does anybody need anything embarrassing while I'm at it?
[opens front door, gorgeous blonde on doorstep, his dream girl]
Al: [in unison] Suppositories!
Peggy: [in unison] Suppositories!
Girl: [alluringly, to Bud] I was just coming over to see you.
Bud: Uhm, not right now. I gotta go somewhere.
Girl: [longingly] Well, can I come with you?
Bud: No! And don't follow me either!


"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.12)" (1989)
Al: Bud, quick - what's more important - money or love?
Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
Al: [walks over to Kelly] Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
Kelly: Right now? Off the top of my head? No multiple choice?

Peggy: I knew it would pay to breast feed you until you were 9. You need any money, dear?
Bud: Oh no. I could never take any money from you. You and father have given me the best gift of all: the gift of life.
Al: Would he feel it if I kicked him?
Angel: No, but for a little extra cash, I could give him your dog's face.
Al: Would you take an I.O.U?
Angel: Not from you.

Peggy: So Al... I, uh, notice you're not burdened down with presents for your loving family. Are they, uh, in the car?
Al: Well, no.
Bud: Are they, uh, being delivered?
Al: No.
Kelly: Are they... invisible?
[Al, Peg and Bud stare oddly at Kelly]
Kelly: Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. If for once you'd let me go first, I would've asked if they were being delivered...


"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.11)" (1989)
Peggy: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peggy: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peggy: [singing] One un-touched wife.

Peggy: So Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: 5 bowls a-flushing?
Peggy: 4 'roids a throbbing?
Kelly: 3 nose hairs waving?
Bud: 2 children starving?
Peggy: [singing] 1 UNTOUCHED WIFE!
Al: I guess that's what they mean when they say ""chestnuts roasting on an open".


"Married with Children: Field of Screams (#8.19)" (1994)
Sascha: Hi Bud, it's me. Sascha. The girl you've wanted every day and night of your life since the first grade. Well I'm about to enter a convent and I wanted to be with a real man for my first, last and only time. Take me Bud, take me now!
Bud Bundy: You caught me at a bad time. Goodbye.
Sascha: Oh.

Bud Bundy: [dismayed] Come on, Ma, tell the truth.
[looking down at his man-boobs]
Bud Bundy: Do you think these will turn girls off?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, come on, honey. Don't let a little thing like a couple of boobs get you down. It's not like you're permanent. I mean, it's been a whole week and look how much better Buck is getting.
Buck the Dog: [Buck is now a turkey] I sure hope this crap wears off before Thanksgiving.
Bud Bundy: Maybe you're right, Ma. I'll just hide for a while. It's not like I had any plans this week.
[goes to answer doorbell]
Sascha: [in doorway, luscious blonde, with breathy voice] Hi, Bud.
[Bud is hiding behind door, mortified]
Sascha: It's me, Sascha, the girl you've wanted every day and night of your life since the first grade. Well, I'm about to enter a convent, and I wanted to be with a real man for my first, last, and only time. Take me, Bud! Take me now!
Bud Bundy: [reaches out from behind door - her luscious body is so near, yet so far - gives up] You caught me at a bad time. Goodbye.
Sascha: [gasps a startled little stifled cry of defeat] Oh!
Peggy Bundy: [to retreating Bud] Where are you going?
Bud Bundy: [plodding up the stairs to his room] To cop a feel and kill myself.
Kelly Bundy: [entering] Hi, Mom. Does Bud still have boobs?
[Peggy nods]
Kelly Bundy: Ah, well, then I'll be sleeping at Cindy's.


"Married with Children: Something Larry This Way Comes (#9.21)" (1995)
Kelly: [dressed in a fancy evening gown] How do I look?
Bud: Like a limited edition, condom-packin' Barbie.

Kelly: Mom, I'm so excited. Me and Larry Storch on stage together. Tonight, I become a lesbian.
Peggy: No, I think you mean a thespian.
Bud: Yeah, well the reviews aren't in yet.


"Married with Children: Look Who's Barking (#5.14)" (1991)
Bud Bundy: Well, once again Dad has gone where no cartoon character has dared to go.

[Al opens the cheesecake box. Bud and Kelly immediately cover their noses]
Kelly Bundy: Yow! Ooh...
Bud Bundy: Geez, there must be a dead man in there!
Al Bundy: [inhaling] Ah boy, you know, there's no mistaking real cheese. And you know, Pumpkin, they aged this cheese six months.
Kelly Bundy: Where? In the belly of a bear?


"Married with Children: The Worst Noel (#8.13)" (1993)
Kelly: [about a juke box] Well, we can take it upstairs and hide it in one of our rooms?
Bud: Oh, no problem. Just let me eats me spinach first.

Kelly: We wouldn't be having this problem if we had used a see-saw.
Bud: We wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom.


"Married with Children: Honey, I Blew Up Myself (#8.15)" (1994)
Peggy Bundy: There's this new photography studio called 'Sex You Up' and they specialize in boudoir photos. You know, where they, like, lay you on a bed, and dress you up real sexy.
Bud: Oh, you mean like the picture on Kelly's driver's license?
Kelly: That may be, but I've never gotten a ticket, now, have I?

Peggy Bundy: [preparing Al's excuse for a makeshift birthday cake] Now, do we have any candles?
Bud: Nope. Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's
[giving Kelly a pointed look]
Bud: little mishap.
Kelly: [with a shrug] Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported. You know, from Romany.
Bud: It's amazing. Dad's looks and Buck's brains.
Buck the dog: [quietly indignant, in spiteful tone] At least, I never tried to date one of my plastic toys.


"Married with Children: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy (#5.9)" (1990)
Peggy: Al, you're late coming home. What happened today? The shoe store closed hours ago. Where have you been?
Al: Walking around. Thinking. The reason why I'm late is... well, this beautiful... very beautiful, girl came into the shoe store today. As I was helping her try on some shoes, she asked me to fly away to the Greek Islands with her.
Kelly Bundy: Well, did you go, Daddy?
Al: [sarcastic] Yes, Pumpkin. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye.
Kelly Bundy: That's okay.
Al: Anyway, all this girl wanted was a love toy.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Kelly Bundy: Oh, please! The only feeling you know is Buck's fur against your cheek on a warm summer night.
Al: It was every man's fantasy. To be kept by a young wealthy woman whose skirt is as short as the lifespan of the man she chooses. But I said "no."
Bud Bundy: Why?
[Peggy angrly slaps Bud upside his head]
Al: Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the tooth brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed... it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married... with children.

Bud Bundy: [Bud and Kelly are fixing the doorbell] Now you're sure the power's off?
Kelly Bundy: For the thousandth time, yes the power is off.
Bud Bundy: [Bud steps outside with a screwdriver, moments later sparks fly, the lights flicker and Bud screams] Help Me!
[Bud walks back in, still smoldering]
Bud Bundy: Kelly, spell "off"... SPELL IT!
Kelly Bundy: O something.


"Married with Children: If I Could See Me Now (#6.7)" (1991)
[Al needs glasses, but chickens out at store]
Al: I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
Bud: Relax, dad. Lots of cool people wear glasses.
Nerdy Salesman: I'm Wally. Please don't want me. I'm married.
Kelly: Good, then there's hope for my brother.

[Al has just come home]
Al: As God is my witness, I will never drive anyone else in the family any place ever again. All I get from you are complaints. You kids must be nuts, I didn't think that was scary.
[Bud and Kelly walks in the door with their hair messed up]
Bud: Get some glasses, dad!
Al: For the thousandth time, I do not need glasses. You can ask anyone.
Kelly: Fine, Buck.
[Buck the briard comes in with his fur messed up too]
Al: I'm telling you I don't need Glasses. My vision was checked in the fourth grade and it's perfect.


"Married with Children: Proud to Be Your Bud? (#8.3)" (1993)
Bud Bundy: You're... you're... me.
Bud Bundy: [as Cool Bud] No, I am not you.
Bud Bundy: What do you mean you're not me? You look just like me.
Bud Bundy: [as Cool Bud] Hey, don't insult me. I am not you! Well actually, I'm part of you. I'm the part of you that's cool. You're the rest.
Bud Bundy: Well, why are you here?
Bud Bundy: [as Cool Bud] Because I can't stand it anymore. Every year you trot me out to the ladies, full of hopes, and every time you come back with your tail between my legs. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the rest of my life down here in this basement. That's why I'm here. To teach you how to be cool.
Bud Bundy: Mommy! Help!
Bud Bundy: [as Cool Bud] Oh, this is going to be easy.

Kelly: Let me guess, Billy Ray Bundy?
Bud: Damn straight, missy. Country's in.
Kelly: Then what country are you?
Bud: I'm going to ignore that, human peep show. Now, I've chewed my weight in Red Man. I've learned my country sayings like, "Ornery" and, "I thought you was 18". Well, as I live and barely breathe in these jeans, I'll be riding the country charts tonight.


"Married with Children: The Desperate Half-Hour (#11.22)" (1997)
Bud Bundy: Dad, Starla and I need some privacy. She's gonna do a body search and uh... I've hidden things.

Starla: I ought to beat you up.
Bud Bundy: Do you mind putting on a nightie first.


"Married with Children: Business Still Sucks (#9.6)" (1994)
Al: My country would never rule against me.
Bud: Dad, they ruled against you.
Al: Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead.

Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, aren't you afraid that Gary will find out that you turned this into a men's shoe store?
Al: Who's Gary?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [chuckles] You know, Gary of "Gary's Shoes".
Al: Jefferson, I've worked here twenty years...
[Al stops in the mid-sentence, frowning]
Al: Twenty years? Where the hell has my life gone? But anyway, I've never even seen Gary. I don't even know if Gary exists. But you know, I've never been this happy for years. Let me sit back and revel in it.
[Al leans back in the armchair, calm and relaxed. Bud just finished talking on the phone]
Bud: Dad? It was Gary's office on the phone. Gary's flying in the day after tomorrow to take a personal look at the store.
[Al nods, suddenly doesn't look so relaxed]


"Married with Children: A Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket? (#8.1)" (1993)
Peggy Bundy: Your dad will be home shortly looking for dinner. I hope he finds it. I'll be over at Marcy's.
Bud Bundy: But Mom, you'll miss Dad's latest episode of "a fat woman came into the shoe store today".
Peggy Bundy: Actually, I know how it all ends. He doesn't get the sale, or a life.

Al Bundy: So anyway, this fat woman comes into the shoe store and she is so big that she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her. So, I'm trying to force a pair of Size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet, when she starts talking to me describing how her husband recently left her.
Bud Bundy: [sarcastic] Ah, the plot thins.
Al Bundy: Pardon me, Son. But let's see how was your day at work today! So anyway, this fat woman is explaining to me how her husband left her when she reaches into her purse, moves aside a large pastrami sub, and produces two $500 courtside tickets to tonight's All-Star charity basketball game.
Bud Bundy: You mean the ones where they send overprivledged white kids to basketball camp? Hands Across the Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?
Al Bundy: Sold them to me for a dollar a piece, which I didn't have... thank you Peg for picking my pocket again this morning. But I was able to take them from the mall fountain after following her out and seeing her throw them in, as well as the charity mint box. So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.


"Married with Children: Buck Saves the Day (#4.3)" (1989)
[a delirious Steve moans in pain from poison oak exposure and animal bites]
Victor: What's wrong with Mr. Rhoades?
Al Bundy: He's dying, Victor.
Steve Rhoades: [sing-song] Thus dies the house of Agamemnon.
[pirate accent]
Steve Rhoades: Tie him to the yardarm, Mr. Christian!
[British accent]
Steve Rhoades: Oh, look father, I sat in somthing icky!
Bud Bundy: Should I get a club, Dad?
Al Bundy: Nah, at least watching him gives us something to do.
[gagging sound]
Bud Bundy: Oh, cool, he's foaming again!

Al Bundy: Okay kids, we get out of here alive what are we going to do? Victor.
Victor: Never marry.
Al Bundy: That's right. So remember, kids, when you meet a woman, no matter how nice she is or what she looks like, remember: women get worse. They get...
Victor: Older.
Joey: Meaner.
Bud Bundy: Fatter?


"Married with Children: What Goes Around Came Around (#4.18)" (1990)
Kelly Bundy: So gnome, everyone's going to be at the homecoming dance this Friday night. Where are you gonna be?
Bud Bundy: I'll be there... with a date.
Kelly Bundy: Yeah, right. Who's gonna be the girl this year? You or Joey?
Bud Bundy: Ho-ho, one-over-easy. I got me a hot date. Heather McCoy.
Kelly Bundy: Heather McCoy? The one you had a crush on in the sixth grade? The one who took you skinny dipping, stole all your clothes and ran your underwear up a flagpole? Bud, why don't you just go out with someone who likes you? Oh, I sorry. Buck has outgrown his party dress.
Bud Bundy: That's a good one, human trampoline.

Heather McCoy: Hi, Bud. Are we sill on for the dance Friday night?
Bud Bundy: I shall drink in your beauty, as the bee does the nectar of the flower.
Heather McCoy: [to Kelly] Isn't he a dream.
Kelly Bundy: [watching Heather walk off] How did you do that?
Bud Bundy: Research. I've been studying her since the sixth grade... plotting, planning, cataloging her likes and dislikes. And now, the time is right to strike for I'm at the zenith of my studliness. Five long years, and now finally she's mine.
Kelly Bundy: You still love her, huh?
Bud Bundy: Nope. I'm after revenge. Sweet, pure, uncut revenge.
Kelly Bundy: What's the point? That was five years ago. No one remembers your underwear hanging from a flagpole.
[Two other guys stop when they see Bud, and hold up their hands, reciting a mock Pledge Of Allegiance]
Guy #1, Guy #2: I pledge allegiance to the underwear of the United Shorts of Bud Bundy.
[Falling over themselves laughing, they walk off]
Bud Bundy: Yeah, no one except the seventy-five kids who do that to me every day. That's why I'm gonna get Heather McCoy. Phase One is now complete.
Kelly Bundy: What's Phase Two? You touch her on the knee and then start to cry?
Bud Bundy: Not quite, O-she-whose-head-can-never-be-seen-in-a-car.


"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
Jefferson D'Arcy: So, the tattoo on my butt said M-A-R-Y.
Kelly Bundy: So what? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.
Bud Bundy: There's a C in Marcy.
Kelly Bundy: M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.

[last lines]
[Bud sees the tattoo]
Bud Bundy: "I love MarDy"?... I guess you're going to get that removed, huh?
Jefferson D'Arcy: That, and the other thing.
Kelly Bundy: What other thing?
[an X-ray reveals Marcy's boot jammed up Jefferson's rectum]


"Married with Children: Johnny Be Gone (#1.13)" (1987)
Bud: Nice to spend these father-son moments together, Dad.
Al: Shut up, I'm trying to read. Oh great, this is Japanese. Oh, here we go. Er, 'Achtung hier hat der kab'. These aren't instructions, it's the history of World War Two. Ah. Here it is, er, 'Attention vous avez'. Oh hell. More people we should have killed. Where's American? Er, here it is, here it is. 'Battery check before to put cable on be sure'.

Bud: Dad, why is Mrs. Rhoades wearing a towel?
Al: Bud, do you want to hear a long, boring story about a short, boring woman or do you want your car fixed?


"Married with Children: Sue Casa, His Casa (#5.3)" (1990)
[Bud and Kelly watch TV. Suddenly Bud hits Kelly on the side of her head, for no apparent reason. Kelly glares at him]
Bud Bundy: Fly.
[Kelly smiles, then punches Bud in the stomach in return. Bud doubles over painfully]
Kelly Bundy: Tapeworm.

Al: [on phone] Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see... Bud, how old are you?
Bud: Sixteen, Dad.
Al: He is sixteen... What? If you think I'm gonna pay that much, you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna... You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
Peggy: Well, what'd he say, Al?
Al: Nothing I haven't said myself... Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
[Al hangs up]
Al: There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
Bud, Peggy, Kelly: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
Peggy: Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.


"Married with Children: The Juggs Have Left the Building (#11.7)" (1996)
[Al has become manager of Peg and Kelly's singing act, and is wearing a rather garish cowboy suit]
Bud Bundy: Mom... Kelly... Tom Arnold.
Al Bundy: Hey, he earned his money.

Bud: Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest.
Peggy: Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars.
Bud: Why don't we enter?
Al: Because we don't have any talent.
Kelly: Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts.


"Married with Children: Dial 'B' for Virgin (#9.7)" (1994)
Bud: Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counselor... Eugene.
Kelly: [On phone] Hi, my name is Isis J. Blowupdoll. And my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now, should I try to stay firm or just explode and go to pieces?
Bud: Yeah, very funny, Kel. Don't let me keep you, I'm sure the trucker paid for the WHOLE hour.

Bud: Dad. I got a problem.
[sits on the couch with Al]
Bud: I, er, I did something really stupid.
Al: Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?


"Married with Children: Chicago Shoe Exchange (#11.24)" (1997)
Kelly Bundy: Guess what, I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means?
Bud Bundy: You can rub men and finally get paid for it?
Kelly Bundy: No, master of self-massage. It means as a licensed masseuse, I can make some money... Oh yeah, guess you're right.

Bud Bundy: I can't move my legs! I can't move my legs!
Kelly Bundy: That's not true, they're... they're twitching.


"Married with Children: Route 666: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1991)
Kelly Bundy: Where's Daddy?
Peggy Bundy: Gee, I don't know. I haven't seen him since he went insane. Oh, here he comes.
[Al enters holding a dead squirrel]
Al Bundy: I killed this squirrel for looking at my gold!
Bud Bundy: Good work, Dad.
Marcy D'Arcy: Uh, Al...?
[Al wheels around and aims his shotgun at her. She throws her arms up]
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I think Dad's shoe-selling days are just about over.
Kelly Bundy: I think Dad's shoe-wearing days are just about over.

[last lines]
[the gang are siting on a beach]
TV Announcer: [on radio] And in this latest news headline under the heading "Isn't that Bizarre?" Today's story comes from New Mexico, where an insane inbred family, a man with two wives and three sons, held up and robbed a group of tourists... leaving them with cash and diamonds. All the family said they wanted was gold. They reportedly stole an old Dodge from a prospector who looked like an old John Byner. They were last seen heading west towards Los Angeles. If you see any of them, do not approach them. They are insane, unbathed and dangerous.
Al Bundy: What time is it, gang?
[They all look at their gold wristwatches]
Al Bundy, Kelly Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Marcy D'Arcy, Bud Bundy, Jefferson D'Arcy: [happily] Five after three!


"Married with Children: Take My Wife, Please (#8.7)" (1993)
Bud Bundy: Hey Mom, you've got to see this. They hog-tied the Cowboy. They handcuffed the Policeman. And they glue-gunned the Construction Worker to the Indian!
Peggy Bundy: Well, what about the other two?
[the Sailor and Leatherman run in covered in toilet paper]
Sailor, Village Person: They're T.P.ing us!
Leatherman, Village Person: They don't normally do this until we sing 'Feeling'.

Marcy D'Arcy: I'm giving next door a charity benefit for this group of women who have murdered their own husbands just to watch them die. And I've invited over a famous group over, the Village People. They were huge. They sold millions. They just called collect to say they're delayed and may not make it. So, as a favor for me, I'd like all of you to come over to the party...
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I thought she was going to ask us to dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Marcy D'Arcy: And dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Kelly Bundy: That's insane.
Peggy Bundy: We couldn't possibly pull that off.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, now what kind of idiot would set himself up for a suicide mission like that?
[Jefferson enters wearng skin-tight black leather as the Leatherman]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't know about this, Marcy. Are you sure the Leatherman wears pants this tight? The cow these came from couldn't walk in this leather.
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, there are women at our house who have killed their own husbands just for saying "where's my bacon?" Now, do you want to be the one to tell them that there's no Village People?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [terrified] No.
Marcy D'Arcy: Now, go oil your pecs and get macho.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'll oil my pecs, but no way I'm getting macho. I've got my dignity.


"Married with Children: The Wedding Repercussions (#7.25)" (1993)
Bud: She really didn't tell you anything?
Jimmy: No.
Bud: I mean, not even that this guy was the best she ever had? That he was good? Or at least even better than a really tight pair of pants?
Jimmy: Nah, she said he really wasn't worth mentioning.
Bud: That bitch!

Al: Son, always remember the Bundy Credo. Lie when your wife is waking. Lie when your belly's aching. Lie when you know she's faking. Lie, sell shoes and lie.
Bud: That's really our family credo?
Al: No. No, actually our family credo is: Hooters, Hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb.


"Married with Children: Al Bundy, Shoe Dick (#6.11)" (1991)
[Al wakes from a dream and discovers that Peggy is no longer pregnant]
Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is you mother...
Bud: Repulsed by you?
Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
Al: No! I don't care about that, you dolts! Is she pregnant?
[Kelly and Bud look grossed out]
Al: Marcy?
[Kelly and Bud look even more grossed out]
Kelly: [to Bud] Do you think he's crazy?
Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Al: Bud, was I a private detective wanted for murder or was that all just a dream?
Bud: It just might have been a dream, Dad.
Al: Do you also call yourself street rapper Grandmaster B, or was that all just a dream?
Bud: Grandmaster what?
Kelly: Oh, come on Daddy. Even Bud's not stupid enough to think up of a new persona for...
Bud: Wait a minute! Grandmaster B? That sounds like a great idea! I could make up that I come from the south side. I could wear my baseball cap backwards. Oh man, I'm gonna go to my room right now and write my first rap song.
Kelly: Well, how's this for a title? "Yo, I'm really a boy!"


"Married with Children: A Man for No Seasons (#9.11)" (1994)
Bud Bundy: That's not Dad, that's Dave Winfield.
Dave Winfield: [Together with Peg] Mind your business.

Bud Bundy: I don't care what anybody says. This has got to be the worst job in the world!
Bret Saberhagen: [enters with a take-out pizza] No, I've got the worst job in the world.
Bud Bundy: Hey, Kelly, look who it is. It's Bret Saberhagen.
Kelly Bundy: Then why does his nametag say Bobby Bonilla?
Bret Saberhagen: He called in sick.
[Danny Tartabull of the Oakland Astros enters dressed in a security uniform]
Danny Tartabull: Hey, Saberhagen, is that you pizza truck parked in the red zone?
Bret Saberhagen: Come on, Tartabull, if I don't deliver this pizza in 30 minutes, they take it out of my check.
Danny Tartabull: At least you get a check. I get paid in mall dollars.


"Married with Children: We'll Follow the Sun (#5.1)" (1990)
Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Peggy: Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down? My hair is just whipping in the wind.
[to Bud and Kelly]
Peggy: He's not scaring you, is he, kids?
[Bud puts his hand to his ear]
Bud: [with sarcasm] Sorry, Mom, I couldn't hear you over the 'roar' of the engine.
Kelly: Come on, leave Daddy alone. I mean, how could he possibly know there would be a TRAFFIC JAM on LABOR DAY?
[Kelly looks at Al accusingly]
Al: [trying to stay calm] Shut up.


"Married with Children: High I.Q. (#6.20)" (1992)
Bud Bundy: Kel, I don't know if I should be telling you this what with me hating you and all, but... do you know what a pig party is?
Kelly Bundy: Of course I do, I'm a genius. It's where a bunch of cute people find ugly dates, pretend to like them, take them to a party, and laugh at them til they cry.
Bud Bundy: So, you've done it before?
Kelly Bundy: That hurts. Have I ever invited you to a party? That proves I've never been to one.
Bud Bundy: Well, you've been to one now. This is Alpha's version of a pig party, Kel. Instead of ugly people they invite... how should I put this delicately? Morons, cretins, fools, mind-blowing imbeciles.

Bud Bundy: Kel, everyone with a name tag is someone's dumb date. I'll show you. Go talk to that guy there.
[Kelly walks up to a man]
Kelly Bundy: Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
Delbert: Hi, I'm Delbert. I'm a Los Angeles public school teacher.
Kelly Bundy: [to Bud] That doesn't prove anything. He could just be a temp or something.
Bud Bundy: Then go to that guy over there.
[Kelly walks up to another guy]
Kelly Bundy: Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
Ralph: Hi, I'm Ralph. I'm a TV network executive.
Kelly Bundy: [to Bud] Uh-oh. But, I'm still not sold.
Bud Bundy: Look over there. Does that sell you?
[Kelly and Bud walk over to a wall on which hangs a portrait of Vice President Dan Quayle with the banner: 'Last Year's Winner' as the most stupid attendee]
Kelly Bundy: Oh my God, it's true!


"Married with Children: Turning Japanese (#10.21)" (1996)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: The bank president is flying in all the way from Japan at my house tonight. Now, once he approves of me, the job is as good as mine. So Al, the reason that I'm here is that I need your help with just one little thing to make tonight's dinner perfect. I need you to leave the neighborhood. You see, I don't want my boss to be repulsed by you or your children, no offence.
Al Bundy: None taken.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: So you'll do it.
Al Bundy: I meant none taken... yet.
[Al widdles his fingers together symbolizing a bribe]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: All right, Al. What's your price?
Al Bundy: One night, all expenses payed, to a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.
Bud Bundy: Oh, where Hobo's reside.
Kelly Bundy: Where every bed is shaped like a boxcar.
[everyone looks at Kelly oddly]
Kelly Bundy: [embarrassed] Or, uh... so I hear from my slutty friends who may go there all the time. Not me.

Bud Bundy: Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought that as a feminist that you wouldn't like places like this.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Feminism is about protecting a woman's right in the workplace. Now, where that workplace happens to be is none of my concern.
Bambi: [walks up to Marcy] Hi. Would you like a lap dance?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Split, bitch!


"Married with Children: You Gotta Know When to Fold Them: Part 2 (#4.17)" (1990)
Bud: What's your secret? How do you it?
Kelly: Well, I just let my mind go blank, and then a number pops into it.
Bud: Well you'd be an expert at having a blank mind.


"Married with Children: Pump Fiction (#9.24)" (1995)
[the movie title "Sheos" appears on the screen]
Bud Bundy: Sheos?
Kelly Bundy: "Shoes"! Remember, "e before o" except after "e-i e-i o"?


"Married with Children: A Bundy Thanksgiving (#11.6)" (1996)
Bud Bundy: [finds out that Kelly is running a pair of scissors through one of Bud's pants trying to make a pair for her pet turkey Hank] Kelly, what are you doing? These are my pants!
Kelly Bundy: I know, but you and Hank are about the same size.


"Married with Children: Ship Happens (#9.20)" (1995)
Bud: Wait a second, you people can't just barge in here and invade our privacy. Kelly, show these people out.
Reporter: We'll pay you $1 million for your exclusive story.
Bud: Kelly, get these people a Snapple.


"Married with Children: Master the Possibilities (#2.16)" (1988)
Steve Rhoades: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Bud Bundy: Sure.
Steve Rhoades: Then its a-prison he'll be goin'. You might want to let him know.
Bud Bundy: Well he's sorta at a hotel.
Steve Rhoades: Then he's sorta in big trouble.
Kristi: What's the matter?
Bud Bundy: Nothing that can't wait.


"Married with Children: No Ma'am (#8.9)" (1993)
[Peg and the kids are watching the screene that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]
Al: Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
[the men cheered]
Al: I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.
Kelly Bundy: That guy played football in high school.
Bud Bundy: That is dad, bonehead.
[points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]
Bud Bundy: And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.
Peggy Bundy: Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
Peggy Bundy: Well I guess so.


"Married with Children: T*R*A*S*H (#11.13)" (1997)
Kelly: Oh, no, Daddy's going away again? Now, this time he's joined the Post Office.
Al: Don't worry, pumpkin, Daddy's not going to any place as dangerous as that.
Bud: Kel, I thought you of all people would recognize a man in a military uniform.
Kelly: This is what they look like ON? Oh my God. That's so cute.
Al: Honey, you shouldn't say things like that to Daddy after he's just been trained to use a gun.


"Married with Children: The Dateless Amigo (#3.19)" (1989)
Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste, and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know, how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.


"Married with Children: Cheese, Cues, and Blood (#6.4)" (1991)
Bud Bundy: Dad, you got a minute?
Al: For you, Bud? Nah.
Bud Bundy: I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?
Al: Mommy's second little joke on me?
Bud Bundy: The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.
Al: Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...
Bud Bundy: That's Grandmaster, you fool!
Al: Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street.
[cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat]
Al: Yo, I'm broke!
Bud Bundy: The Grandmaster will not forget this.


"Married with Children: A Shoe Room with a View (#10.2)" (1995)
Bud: Mom, I've had a lousy day, I could really use some Motherly advice.
Peggy: Shut up Bud! Oprah's doing a show about Mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.


"Married with Children: The Agony of De-Feet (#4.22)" (1990)
Kelly Bundy: Bud, what's a simpleton?
Bud Bundy: An idiot, a moron, a dolt, dullard, creatin. You know, someone a little smarter than you.


"Married with Children: Ride Scare (#8.22)" (1994)
Bud: Dad, I made the Dean's list!
Al: Son, I wish you could've been around when I was younger, of course I probably wouldn't have let you hang out with me. When we had one hand on the woman, and one hand on the wheel, and one hand on the stick. That's what I liked about the old days, we... had more hands!


"Married with Children: The Camping Show (#3.4)" (1988)
[Kelly is having her period during the Bundy's vacation]
Al: Peg?
Peggy Bundy: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud Bundy: Squeaked through another month, eh, Kel?


"Married with Children: The Stepford Peg (#11.10)" (1997)
Kelly: Hey, Mom needs one of those guys, you know, the ones that make you take your clothes off when you go into their office.
Bud: The Principal?


"Married with Children: Buck Has a Belly Ache (#6.6)" (1991)
Peggy Bundy: [rubbing her pregnant belly] Do we have the munchies? Well, how does a nice salami, goat cheese peanut butter and crayfish sandwich sound?
[digs through the refrigerator]
Peggy Bundy: Well looky here!
[brings it to the table]
Peggy Bundy: Lookout below
[starts to eat]
Peggy Bundy: Something's missing
Bud Bundy: [arrives with Kelly with some ice cream] Here's your ice cream Mom, Tabaki and clam
Peggy Bundy: That's the missing ingredient!


"Married with Children: Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 1 (#11.4)" (1996)
Bud: I can't believe we're in mourning.
Kelly: Well I don't know about you, but here it's the afternoon.


"Married with Children: Kelly Bounces Back (#5.6)" (1990)
[Kelly needs Bud's help to read a reminder on her hand]
Kelly: [reading her right hand] "The one who..." oh, what's that word there?
Bud: [reading] "told, about the Bundy Bounce, was... See Other Hand"
[He looks at her left hand. She waves hello with it, then sucker-punches him with her right]


"Married with Children: Every Bundy Has a Birthday (#7.3)" (1992)
Bud: Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.


"Married with Children: The Gas Station Show (#6.23)" (1992)
Bud: Hey Dad, can I order the geek around?
Al: [Putting an arm around Peg] No, marry your own.


"Married with Children: Kelly Knows Something (#8.26)" (1994)
Bud Bundy: You have to understand, Kelly's brain can hold anything. But there are some things you have to know. One: that it's totally empty.
Al: Woudn't you know it.
Bud Bundy: And two: that you can't just shove information into her head. You have to be careful. Feed her information slowly, bit by bit, drop by drop, until she's full.
Al: Full?
Bud Bundy: Oh, yeah. Kelly's brain can actually get full with information. And then you got to be really careful. Because each new thought after that will totally replace an old one. That's why Kelly forgot to wear a blouse on the day she went to take her drivers ed exam.


"Married with Children: Heels on Wheels (#7.15)" (1993)
Al Bundy: Are you sure she's a girl? Because just because she looks like a girl doesn't mean she is one.
Bud Bundy: Dad, did you get lost and go to the wrong nudie club again?


"Married with Children: A Little Off the Top (#8.12)" (1993)
Bud Bundy: Man, just when you thought all the disasters that could happen to Dad, have happened to Dad.
Kelly Bundy: Yeah. Circumsision. And we thought he was in a mood when they cut his hair too short. Now we can't even tell him it will grow back.
[thinks it over]
Kelly Bundy: Can we?
Bud Bundy: Why not? We lied about his hair!
[busy with clearing away stacks of magazines]
Bud Bundy: I just hope we got all Dad's magazines. You know, when Mom called, she said it was very important to get rid of everything that would turn Dad on before he'd had a chance to heal.
Kelly Bundy: [incredulous] Wow, thirty days without sex. What's that like?
Bud Bundy: Thirty days is nothing! I mean, I've gone as...
[swallows his words as he stares into Kelly's cat-that-got-all-the-cream grin]
Bud Bundy: Why, I don't know!


"Married with Children: Eatin' Out (#3.11)" (1989)
Al: [pulling an inheritance check out of its envelope, slowly] I see a seven... I see a three... I see a two...
Bud Bundy: [excitedly] What do you see now, Dad?!
Al: [rolling eyes] I see a check for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars.
Bud Bundy: [disappointed] I buffed this man's *carbuncles* for two hundred and thirty-seven *dollars*?!


"Married with Children: The Undergraduate (#9.28)" (1995)
Kelly: Bud, get me out of here. Help me!
Bud Bundy: Hey, you fired me as your manager. I only took this DJ job to make amends meet.
Kelly: All right, your unfired. Now, get me out of this. Play something fast.
Bud Bundy: Okay, but I now want 80 percent of your profits... and a photo with you and Robby together.
Kelly: Why?
Bud Bundy: In case someday I want to blackmail you for 90 percent.


"Married with Children: Christmas (#7.12)" (1992)
Peggy: And what would you like for Christmas, Bud?
Bud Bundy: [as a baby] Playboys, hooters. Playboys, hooters.
Peggy: Aw, his first words.
Bud Bundy: [normal voice] Like hell.


"Married with Children: Guys and Dolls (#2.14)" (1988)
Bud Bundy: What's the matter, Kel? Are the contractions five minutes apart?
Kelly Bundy: What's the matter, Bud? Puberty five years away?


"Married with Children: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This (#7.14)" (1993)
Bud: Curse you. I curse you to your worst nightmare, an eternity of being together... and you can't leave the bedroom... and Grandma's there... and she's out of Depends.
Kelly: Bud.
Bud: What?
Kelly: Mom and Dad just left us alone. Alone, with no parental supervision.
[Bud thinks about this for a second]
Bud: And stay out. Yes, finally alone. Free, free to run amuck.
[Bud rubs his hands]
Bud: Oh the hooters I'll be a-juggling.
Kelly: Yeah well, don't hurt your hand on the staples.


"Married with Children: Peggy Turns 300 (#4.19)" (1990)
Bud: [Filming with camcorder] Ready, Dad.
[Al and Peggy enter]
Al: I'm entering. Widen, widen. Did you get your Mother in the picture?
Bud: Yeah, Dad.
Al: Rewind.


"Married with Children: God Help Ye Merry Bundymen (#11.8)" (1996)
Bud Bundy: It was us. It was her. We stole your Mary and Joseph Nativity statues.
Kelly Bundy: We still have your statues.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Good, because if so much as one hair is missing off their heads...
Bud Bundy: They don't have any heads!


"Married with Children: Birthday Boy Toy (#11.19)" (1997)
Griff: Bud, did I ever tell you that I was Dorothy in my high school production of The Wiz?
Bud: All male school?
Griff: No.


"Married with Children: Here's Looking at You, Kid (#3.22)" (1989)
Kelly Bundy: Hey, maybe what I need is a smart little feeb with no social life to tutor me. Bud, would you help me pass?
Bud Bundy: I'll give it a shot, but I might have more luck teaching Buck to sing and dance. What subjects do you need help in?
Kelly Bundy: I don't know. What subjects am I taking?


"Married with Children: Flight of the Bumblebee (#10.7)" (1995)
Bud Bundy: That was nasty Natalie. She's the easiest girl in town.
Al: Bud, if my father had scared away the easiest girl in my town, I never would have gotten married, never would have had you kids, and I'd be upstairs now watching TV in my underwear, the way God intended.


"Married with Children: Psychic Avengers (#6.19)" (1992)
[last lines; the Bundys have been turned into chimpanzees]
Peggy Bundy: Well, Al, once again you've enriched our lives. Thank your father, kids.
Kelly Bundy, Bud Bundy: Thanks, Dad!
Al: Hey, we sent Inga all our money, and the curse should be lifted soon, if indeed there is such a thing as a curse!
Bud Bundy: Dad, what if she never got the money?
Al: Buck has never let us down before, he won't let us down now.
[Buck enters, having been transformed into a man]
Al: How you doing, Buck? Did you send the money, boy?
Buck the Man: Well, I had to use it for bail. No one bothered to tell me that when humans meet a girl, it's considered impolite to sniff her butt.
Al: Damn dog.
Peggy Bundy: Well, I guess we're monkeys.
Al: [sarcastic] Yeah, *big* difference.


"Married with Children: But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy (#1.3)" (1987)
Marcy: Look, we know Bella can be loud; and annoying; and the whole neighborhood hates his guts; but at least he's a good protecter.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!


"Married with Children: Luck of the Bundys (#8.4)" (1993)
Bud: Oh, by the way, Dad, they made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours.
[he takes a toothbrush out of his back pocket, hands it to Al and races upstairs]
Peggy: Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck.
Al: No, Peg, this is good luck. This is yours.


"Married with Children: The Weaker Sex (#10.6)" (1995)
Kelly: [Kelly is giving Al relationship advice] Daddy, if you want Mom to give up the self defense class, you need to take her out.
Al: Don't you think I would have tried that a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it?
Kelly: No, I mean on a date. Try something nice; romantic movies always work for me.
Bud: A Happy Meal and a 'Hello Kitty' pencil always works for you.


"Married with Children: Change for a Buck (#8.11)" (1993)
Bud: Any dedication request for me?
Kelly: Yeah, three actually. "Lonely Boy", "Like a Virgin", and "When a Man Loves a Rubber Woman".
Bud: And I'll bet you got yours, "She Works Hard For the Money".
Kelly: Now whatever gave you the idea that I'm some cheap tramp?
Radio: And now, dedicated to Kelly Bundy, "She Works Hard For..."
[Kelly throws the radio on the floor, breaking it]


"Married with Children: Movie Show (#7.21)" (1993)
Al: Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bud: Luscious hooters?
Al: No. That's what I should have been thinking about, but no.


"Married with Children: Married... with Prom Queen: The Sequel (#3.18)" (1989)
Peggy Bundy: [thinking about tampering with the Prom Queen ballot box] Bud, honey, can you pick a lock?
Bud Bundy: [smiles, confidently] Yep.
Kelly Bundy: And a nose!


"Married with Children: Shoeway to Heaven (#9.1)" (1994)
Bud Bundy: Kelly, if you were any dumber...


"Married with Children: Al on the Rocks (#7.4)" (1992)
Kelly Bundy: What time is it?
Bud Bundy: 3:30.
Kelly Bundy: AM or BM?
Bud Bundy: BM.
Kelly Bundy: You know, I don't know why they call it BM. I mean, why don't they call it PM, after Post Meridian.


"Married with Children: Sixteen Years and What Do You Get (#1.6)" (1987)
Peggy: Well I'm going to go out and get him something. Gee, what is it he's really wanting?
Bud Bundy: That blonde down the street.
Peggy: Did he tell you that?
Bud Bundy: No, I just assumed it by the way he bites his fist whenever he drives by her house.


"Married with Children: Born to Walk (#2.8)" (1987)
Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.


"Married with Children: A Three Job, No Income Family (#3.14)" (1989)
Bud: Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup.
Al: Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!


"Married with Children: The D'Arcy Files (#8.20)" (1994)
Bud Bundy: [considering the bright prospects of street begging to fund their business enterprise] We'll have Bud and Kelly's opened up in no time.
Kelly Bundy: Hey, wait a minute. It was my idea. We're gonna name it after me.
Bud Bundy: Hmm. There's already a place named 'In-N-Out.'
[fleeing as she chases him up the stairs]


"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 3 (#11.16)" (1997)
Peggy: Do you know how hard it is for a single working mother to find a man?
Bud: You've never worked, technically you're not single, and you've never been a mother!
Kelly: Duh!
Peggy: Let me put it this way: if you don't get out of here, I'm sending you to live with your father!
[Bud and Kelly GTFO so fast they tear the door off]


"Married with Children: Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? (#5.19)" (1991)
Bud Bundy: You know, you and I are a lot alike, boy.
Buck the Dog: No. I've had sex. And at least I have the decency to die at thirteen.


"Married with Children: Hood in the Boyz (#8.2)" (1993)
Al: Have I gone yet?
Bud: No.
Al: Then give me a push.
[Kelly and Bud shove Al]
Al: Now help me up.


"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 1 (#11.14)" (1997)
[Bud is teaching Kelly how to box]
Bud: Come on, you fight like a girl.
Kelly: You pee like one.
Bud: That was a temporary medical condition.


"Married with Children: Al Goes to the Dogs (#10.22)" (1996)
Bud: Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane.
Al: No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu.


"Married with Children: Kelly Takes a Shot (#9.15)" (1995)
Bud: Hi, Kel. How'd your audition go?
Kelly: I'm so mad. Before I even got there to audition, they gave the role to another girl.
Bud: Oh, yeah, who?
Kelly: Meryl Streep. I mean what's she got that I don't have.
Bud: You mean besides the Oscar nominations, the Emmy, the Yale Drama School education and your job?
Kelly: Yeah.
Bud: Think carefully, Kel. It starts with "T".
Kelly: Shuh, I have those!
Bud: I'm talking about talent, Gump.


"Married with Children: All-Nite Security Dude (#5.16)" (1991)
Al Bundy: There were the final two players, yours truly, and a player from Andrew Johnson High they called "Spare Tire."
Bud Bundy: Why? Because he was fat?
Al Bundy: No, because he wore one, with a chain, around his neck.


"Married with Children: Rites of Passage (#6.16)" (1992)
Bud Bundy: What are we going to tell Mom where were all night?
Al Bundy: Well, son, you're a man know. When your mother asks you where you were, you do what your supposed to do. You look her right in the eye and tell her were were stuck in traffic.


"Married with Children: And Baby Makes Money (#5.11)" (1990)
Kelly Bundy: What if they
[Peg and Al]
Kelly Bundy: do have another baby? It'll be so confusing. I mean, what will that be to me.
Bud Bundy: A tutor.


"Married with Children: Rock of Ages (#7.9)" (1992)
Bud Bundy: Dad, this is my friend Petal.
Petal: It's part of a flower.
Bud Bundy: I met her in my quantum physics class. Isn't she great? Hold all my calls.
Al Bundy: They're never are any, son.
Bud Bundy: Never mind that now, Dad. See you tomorrow.
Al Bundy: Excuse me, Miss. Young lady, you do realize that that's my son's bedroom that you're going to?
Petal: Yes, I know.
[Al throws out his arms, and embraces Bud to congradulate him for his first 'score']


"Married with Children: Love Conquers Al (#10.13)" (1995)
Bud Bundy: Kelly, I am not dog-sitting for your friend Carlos' sister.
Kelly Bundy: I'll get you a date with my friend Fawn.
Bud Bundy: Fawn? Thee "Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on"?


"Married with Children: Dump of My Own (#3.5)" (1989)
Bud: Where's Dad?
Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch]
Peggy: How was it, honey?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me.
[turns on TV]
TV Announcer: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething".
[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]


"Married with Children: Kelly Breaks Out (#9.3)" (1994)
Bud: What company? Lite?
Kelly: No, Ice Hole.
Bud: I was just asking, slut.


"Married with Children: Spring Break: Part 1 (#10.19)" (1996)
Marcy: Girls like that are just cheap one-night stands. You all should be developing full, trusting relationships like I have with my Jefferson, who even now is away at computer camp trying to better himelf.
Bud: Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy...
[Bud gestures to the TV where Al, Griff and Jefferson are mingling with blondes in bikinis]
Marcy: [enraged] Road trip! Destination: Fort Lauderdale!
Bud: Goal: swift and terrible revenge!
Achmed: But there is a blizzard outside and all the roads are closed.
Marcy: I drive a Benz, and I am pissed off!


"Married with Children: Rain Girl (#4.21)" (1990)
Bud: Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup.
Al: Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!


"Married with Children: Children of the Corns (#11.2)" (1996)
Kelly: [trying out the new microwave] Mom! This is the third time I've pressed the popcorn button and nothing has come out.
Peggy: Well, honey, try the dinner plate. Maybe that will work.
Bud: Uh, 'Betty and Moronica'. You have to put food in the microwave to get food out.
Peggy: What good is that?


"Married with Children: How Do You Spell Revenge? (#2.11)" (1987)
Peggy Bundy: Bud, where are you going?
Bud Bundy: I'm moving my stuff into my dead sister's room.


"Married with Children: Pilot (#1.1)" (1987)
[first lines]
[Bud sneaks up behind Kelly and grabs her hair and holds a plastic knife to her neck]
Kelly Bundy: Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!
Bud Bundy: Die, commie bimbo!
Peggy Bundy: Now, Bud! I thought we talked about this before.
Bud Bundy: What's that, Mom?
Peggy Bundy: You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. You remember the affect it had on Grandma? nobody likes it; nobody thinks it's funny, so cut it out, okay?
Bud Bundy: Sure, Mom.
[a horn honks from outside]
Peggy Bundy: Now, go to school.
Kelly Bundy: [to Bud as they walk out] I *hate* you!
Bud Bundy: Good!


"Married with Children: Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#7.8)" (1992)
[the Bundys drink a toast with the first water out of the tap]
Bud Bundy: To Dad's blood.
Al Bundy: Heh-heh, and the poor sap who got it.


"Married with Children: Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers (#5.18)" (1991)
Bud: [to Al] You can't win! You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee! We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!