Peggy Bundy
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Quotes for
Peggy Bundy (Character)
from "Married with Children" (1987)

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"Married with Children: You Better Watch Out (#2.13)" (1987)
Marcy: [after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
[Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza]
Al: Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies.
Peggy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg.
Bud: Mmm!
Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard!
Al: What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?

[at Christmas time the doorbell rings]
Peggy: Who could that be?
Al: Oh, Great. With my luck, probably an elf with a knife in his back.

Peggy: Thank your father, Kids.
Bud, Kelly: [sourly] Thanks, Dad.

Al: Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out.
Bud: So long, Kel.
Kelly: Yeah, like they really intended to have you.
Peggy: Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.

Marcy: Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.
Kelly: Well, you're in the right place.
Peggy: Come on Marcy, these things happen.
Marcy: WHEN has this ever happened? A guy dressed as Santa Claus goes skydiving, his parachue doesn't open, and he lands right in your back yard?
Peggy: Cheer up. It could have been worse. He could have landed on the picket fence.

Coroner: Well, that about wraps it up out there. I just have a few routine questions for my report if you don't mind. Did any of you know the diseased?
Peggy: Well, I read about him in books. But in books, he's usually going up instead of down.
Coroner: Okay, so that's a "no." Did anyone actually see him fall and hit the ground?
Bud: I wish.

Peggy: Al, get rid of those kids.
Al: If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours.
[Al opens the door and announces to the kids]
Al: Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony, Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home.
Kid: We wanna see him!
Al: No!
[the kids throw snowballs at al]

Peggy: OK, he's gone. Now for Daddy's present. Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's closet.
Kelly: I'll get a box.
Peggy: Oh, no, no, no, wait. It's Christmas, we should make it special for him - Bud, get one of his shirts too.
[excitedly]
Peggy: Oh gosh, I just love Christmas.

Al: Aren't you forgetting something, coolest Dad in the world?
Bud: Best Dad in the universe.
Peggy: You who makes my life worth living.
Al: You all want your Christmas presents, don't ya?
Peggy: [sarcastic] No, we really love you.

Al: Peg, I'm ashamed of you.
Peggy: I know.
Al: Peg! If you keep shopping at that new mall, we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under the 'L'!
Peggy: Not me. I can always divorce you and remarry.
Bud: And me and Kelly will be living in a foster home.
Kelly: Let's go shopping. Put Dad in a early grave!
Al: Uh, family before you go, would you get old Daddy's shotgun and stand close together?

Peggy: You know what you have to do, Al...
[Al dresses up as Santa Claus to placate the kids]


"Married with Children: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (#10.1)" (1995)
Marcy: I do remember my first apartment. My roommate and I were both single, both bursting with ripe, flowering womanhood. The sexual revolution was in full swing and we were a-happening.
Peggy: Wow. I'll bet you were having sex all the time.
Marcy: No, that cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends. I've never forgiven Mom for that.

Peggy: I've always wanted some place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
Al: Well get in the car, I'll take you to the morgue.

Jefferson: Come on, Al, you should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man.
Al: My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole. Besides, as bad as this is, you just know that something worse is gonna happen. Don't you know all horrible things happen in threes: celebrity deaths, Pauly Shore movies, Wilson Phillips. In my own case: marrying Peg, Bud not moving out and, 3... 2... 1...
Peggy: Al, something horrible has happened.
Al: The hell you say.

Peggy: My parents had a terrible fight and now Mom left and Dad can't find her.
Al: Did he look behind the Rockies?

Al: Somehow or another, someone, I'm not saying who, said something about Good Ship Hooter-Pop, and before you know it, there was a 70-year-old hillbilly popping wheelies on a thresher and saying how he'd never marry a family member again.
Peggy: This is all your fault. You have ruined a perfectly happy marriage.
Al: Yet I remain in a perfectly dreadful one.

Al: You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.
Peggy: Mom does not eat between meals.
Al: Oh no, Peg, because in order for her to eat between meals, the first meal has to end.

Peggy: Al, don't you know how traumatic this is for me? I now come from a broken home.
Al: [indicating the bent-out stair railing] As do I.
Peggy: Oh, give Mom a break. She's distraught.
Al: She is humongous!
Peg's Mom: [voice-over] I'm just retaining water.
Al: [quitely] The Hoover Dam is retaining water. She's retaining Skittles!
Peg's Mom: [voice] Did someone say "Skittles"? Now I'm hungry again.

Peggy: Al, you failed me. You failed to bring Dad back here so he could take her back. You know what this means?
Al: [whimpering] Oh no, not sex Peg! Please, I just need a little more time until I find him.
Peggy: No, not that. I want you to help me give Mom a sitz bath.
[Al's eyes widen with horror]
Al: Can't we just have sex instead?

Peggy: If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this
[gestures at herself]
Peggy: to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail. You know what this means.
[She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs]
Al: [panicked] Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg. Please, I just need a little more time. I'll find him.
Peggy: I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath.
[Al's eyes widen in horror]
Al: Can't we have sex instead?


"Married with Children: Build a Better Mousetrap (#2.15)" (1988)
Peggy: Why are you so afraid of a little mouse, anyway?
Peggy: Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother, and I kept it in my room. I slept with it and snuggled it and kissed it and then one day it got sick.
Al: Hmm, and still you go on kissing others.
Peggy: Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?" She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up... and then all the kids threw up. And then, they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face, worms in your hair. Where's the little mouse girl? There, there, there."
[Al, Bud and Kelly laugh heartily]
Peggy: Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.
Al: Well, kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she's got cooties.

Peggy: Kids, I'm sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are some things from childhood, you just can't forget.
Kelly Bundy: I hope this isn't true, Mom.
Peggy: Now, how about a hug?
Bud Bundy: Can't, Mom. You've got cooties.

Peggy: Is he down there? Did you get him? What happened, Al?
Al: He doodied on the trap... and in my bowling shoes.
Peggy: Oh, my god. He was in your shoes and he lives? This is no ordinary mouse.
Kelly Bundy: Can we call the exterminator now?
Al: No, no, it's personal now. Not only will I kill this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And if there's one spark of life left in its twitching little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open and make it watch thirtysomething. No one doodies in Al Bundy's shoes and lives!

Al: I went downstairs, and I only pretended to take up all the traps. But I left one, a big one with a nice juicy piece of cheese. And this one won't go off with just a little pressure, giving him time to escape - no, this one takes the entire body of the mouse to set it off. I checked it myself.
[holds up his bandaged left thumb and laughs heartily]
Peggy: You know, that's what really sets you apart, Al. An average Joe would have used a stick.

Peggy: Al, it was horrible. It was terrible. I've never been so scared in my entire life.
Al: What's the matter? You see the vacuum?

Al: I'm going bowling.
Peggy: Oh no you're not. You are not leaving this family alone until either you or the mouse is dead.

Peggy: Kill it, Al.
Al: Well don't worry. As soon as it sees how we live, it will go away... I know I would.

Kelly Bundy: Dad, you cannot be serious! A mousetrap in MY room?
Bud Bundy: The guys under the bed object, Kel?
Kelly Bundy: Dad, it's a humiliation! What will my friends think when they see mousetraps everywhere?
Al: Well, they'll think that unlike Mr. Bundy, the mouse gets to eat before he dies.
Kelly Bundy: Mom, how long are we gonna have to live with this mouse?
Peggy: Well, your father's taking care of it.
Kelly Bundy: Oh great, might as well build him a room!


"Married with Children: No Chicken, No Check (#8.6)" (1993)
Bud: Why don't you buy us a new car, Dad?
Al: Why didn't I think of that? New cars for everybody. What about you Peg; would you like a new BMW?
Peggy: I don't know. I've always seen myself in a Jaguar.
Al: Oh, if we could only find one that hungry.

Kelly: You registered our car as a farm vehicle?
Peggy: I'm not surprised. He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.
Al: And the next thing I register will be a handgun.

Al: Ah, children! What the hell, wolfen. Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it.
Peggy: Maybe that's because nothing good ever went into it.

[Al and the kids have returned from the auto auction]
Peggy: Did you buy the kids a car, Al?
Kelly: [off screen] DON'T TOUCH MY CAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN!
Bud: [off screen] IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING IN IT!
Al: Yes, I did. And, as you can see, all of my worries about them fighting were unfounded.
[Looks out the window where Kelly has Bud in a headlock beating him on the head]
Al: On the upside, however, I did get them to knock off $100. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?

Al: And you know what I'm going to do now?
Peggy: You're gonna give all the extra money to me?
Al: Yes, to buy groceries.
Peggy: What's groceries?
Al: The stuff you have to wade through to get to the TV Guide. And I'd better be able to eat everything in that bag, Peg. Just food. Just beef. Just do it.

[Al has an instant Polarid camera taking photos of Peggy just off-screen]
Al: That's right, Peg. God, they look so firm. Hold 'em up for me, baby.
[Al takes a photo]
Al: Now, let's see that pretty rump. Beautiful!
[Al takes another photo of Peggy... holding a rump of ham]
Peggy: Al, my fingers have blisters all over them from carrying all that food to the checkout counter.
Al: Peg, if you'd bothered to go food shopping there once in a while, you'd notice that's what all those carts in front of the store are for.
Peggy: I though that was parking for the homeless.

[Al is eating the roasted chicken from the new car]
Peggy: Al, correct me if I'm wrong, bud didn't the kids car insurance policy say, "no chicken, no check?"
Al: You hate to see me eat, don't ya, Peg? Well, it's too late. It's in and it's staying in.
Peggy: Yeah, I've heard that one before.


"Married with Children: All in the Family (#2.22)" (1988)
Peggy Bundy: Al, I have some news.
Al Bundy: Oprah got so fat that she finally exploded?

Al Bundy: Who's coming over to stay with us?
Peggy Bundy: Just my mother.
Al Bundy: No!
Peggy Bundy: And my two uncles, Irwin and Otto.
Al Bundy: No! No!
Peggy Bundy: And the Wanker Triplets.
Al Bundy: NO, NO, NO!
Peggy Bundy: But Al, they're my aunts. They're no trouble.
Al Bundy: Peg, God only knows how old they are and they sleep in the same bed. It's amazing, the triplets sleep in one bed while your mother sleeps in three.

Al Bundy: Peg, this is the first three-day weekend I've had in a year. It's not like I'm gonna have a good time. You and the kids will be around here. But not the Wanker Wagon from Milwauke. Not that. Hondo is coming on tonight. That's some of the Duke's best work. It's never on TV. I bought a blank tape, I got the VCR set up, I want to watch Hondo. I want a clean videotape of Hondo.
Peggy Bundy: Nobody is going to bother you watching Hondo.
Al Bundy: Remember when they were here last year? Shane was on then. Just before it came on, Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin that he couldn't stick his head through the TV set. I didn't watch Shane that year.
Peggy Bundy: I know, but you saw the end from the emergency room after you ran outside and threw yourself in front of that passing car.
Al Bundy: "Come back, Shane. Shane? Goodbye, Shane." That's all I saw. I didn't even see the end credits because your freight train of a mother lumbered in front of the TV set. By the time her entire body chugged by, it was morning.

Peggy Bundy: Al, how about taking us all out to eat?
Al Bundy: Eh, what the hell, kids. You really didn't want to go to college?
Kelly Bundy: We'd rather eat.
Uncle Irwin: Well, if we're gonna go, we'd better get going. 'Cause once we unload Peggy's mom, it's harder then hell to squeeze her back into our trailer. She's so huge and massive that she kicks like a mule.
Bud Bundy: Hey, Uncle Irwin, when we get to the restaurant, are you gonna put your head into the salad bar like last time?
Uncle Irwin: Well... if you're good.

Bud Bundy: Hey Mom, are we going to go down to the pony rides to see the look on the horse's face when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?
Peggy Bundy: No. Not today, Bud. Every since Daddy paid for dinner with his watch, he's been sort of a crab apple.
Uncle Irwin: I think he's mad at us.
Kelly Bundy: Don't take it personally. Daddy always takes a noose with him into the bathroom.
Peggy Bundy: Uh-oh! Daddy's in the bathroom? Mom's up there taking a bath! Well, maybe he won't notice...
[Al screams and appears walking down the stairs]
Al Bundy: Peg, I'm blind!
Peggy Bundy: Very funny, Al.
Al Bundy: No really Peg, I saw your mother naked and everything went black! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart! Now I'm not going to see Hondo, Peg!

Peggy Bundy: Al, my family's been here for nearly six hours and you haven't said more then 10 words to them. You know I don't ask too much from you because I know how severly limited you are, but for just this once, talk to them. Show them that you're paying attention to them.
Al Bundy: [to Peggy's uncles] Go home!
Peggy Bundy: That's... a start. Say something else. Show them that you care.
Al Bundy: [to Peggy's uncles] Go home... and drive safely.

[last lines]
[Peg's relatives knock on the door]
Peggy Bundy: Look on the bright side, how bad can it be?
[Irwin puts his head through the door]
Uncle Irwin: We're here!


"Married with Children: Oh, What a Feeling (#4.9)" (1989)
Bud: Hi, mum.
Peggy: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, mum.
Peggy: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg, and before you say "Hi, the milkman", it's me.
Peggy: I know, I have a nose.

Al: Peg, that money you found and spent was a car fund that I put aside a long, long time ago.
[Peggy shrugs with indifference]
Al: Peg, how could you steal and spend $4,200?
Peggy: Well, you remember when you used to yell at me because there wasn't any juice in the house? Well, I took some of that money and bought you juice... and a fur coat for me. And then when you demanded dinner? Well, I took more money and bought you a bucket of fried chicken... and a fur coat for Mom. And the rest of it, well... I spend it foolishly.
Al: Honey, could you come out in the back yard with me? I have the urge to bury something else!

[Al pushes in an old, rusted AMC Pacer vehicle into the garage to the Walkabout's 'Poor Side of Town']
Peggy: Hi, Honey. I saw you pushing your new car up the street. How do you like it?
Al: Well, it pushes pretty smooth. But a little tough passing on the expressways. But the handling more than makes up for it.

[Al pushes in an old Gremlin vehicle into the garage to the tune of 'King of the Road']
Al: Oh, no... why, God? What have I done? Am I not fit to die?
Peggy: Whoo! Good choice, Honey. It's a much lighter car.
Al: Yeah, I can almost pull this one.

[Al, for the first time ever, DRIVES into the garage in a old Dodge Ford car to the tune of Sam & Dave's 'I'm Walkin']
Kelly: Daddy... you're driving!
Al: You darn tootin'. What do you think?
Peggy: It looks just like your old car.
Al: Peg, you never can relize how important a man's car is and how much it has been used. My old car had just over 99,000 miles on it. This only only has... 18. What does that tell you?
Bud: [sarcastic] That this car was only driven one mile per year?

Peggy: You're really mad about this? You know, if anyone should be mad, it's me. You're the one that's hiding money from me.
Al: That's because you would have spent it all for yourself.
Peggy: Of course I would! So, why are you acting so suprised?

Al: Peg, let me ask you something. In your travels in the back yard, say about 8 paces from the tree, 12 feet down, did you ever find a box with say about $5000 in it?
Peggy: Was that yours?


"Married with Children: Get Outta Dodge (#8.18)" (1994)
Salesman: A 1994 Dodge Viper.
Al: Oh Peg, I'm so happy I... I could shake your hand.
Peggy: Al, it only has two seats. What about the kids?
Al: It's got a trunk.

Peggy: [Answering phone] Hello, Al? Is that you?
Al: [Driving the Dodge in the desert] Hello, Peg. I'm here in Burnt Scrodum, New Mexico. And guess what: I'm over a thousand miles, babe. I'm gonna drive till I hit another million.
Peggy: Then you'll be home, Al?
Al: Then I'll be home, and the Viper will be mine. Do you hear me? Mine, I tell you. Mine. Mine.

Bill Ellis: [to Peg] Hello Ma'am.
[to Al]
Bill Ellis: Is it true she's gone over 999,000 miles?
[Al looks at Peg]
Peggy: He means the car, you wildebeest.

Al: Oh no, Peg, you mocked the Dodge. She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy.
Peggy: What does that mean?
Al: I don't know, Peg, I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.

Japanese Businessman: Dodge. American motorcar.
[laughs hysterically]
Al: [slams the door and sits down] You know what the problem is, don't you?
Peggy: Sure, the blind don't drive.
Al: Too bad the mute don't marry.

Lisa Pruner: [uncertain about making out] I'm scared, Bud. I mean, you don't know how strict my Dad is. Last time I was caught like this, I was grounded for six months, and the team couldn't go to the Rose Bowl.
Bud: We can't get caught. Come here.
[steers her to the couch]
Bud: Why don't you put those pretty little lips to something more useful? Like me?
[front door opens, it's Peggy and Al, interrupting shame-faced Bud]
Peggy: Lisa Pruner, I am telling your father!
Lisa Pruner: Can't get caught, huh?
[slaps him twice]
Radio: [song, triggered by the sound of the two slaps] I'm just a lonely boy...

Al: [chiding] Oh no, Peg, you laughed at the Dodge, you mocked the Dodge,
[to the busty blond bikini model]
Al: she shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy.
[model preens and prances]
Peggy: What does that mean?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.


"Married with Children: Get the Dodge Out of Hell (#9.17)" (1995)
Peggy: Wanker County was originally called "Olbie Wooba Possum Watamee" which means, "Land of the Big Gassy Possum".
Al: Which explains why Disney has no interest in putting a theme park there.

Al: Now, this is ridiculous. Somewhere in this carwash is a Dodge with my name on it.
[Al walks out to look for his car and the others remain]
Peggy: Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.

Al: Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras.
Peggy: The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.
Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom.
[Al holds the box up]
Al: Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van".

Kelly Bundy: I have an idea. Why don't we get Buck to look for the car?
Bud Bundy: Oh, come on. Buck's 100! He's so old that he misses when he tries to lick himself.
Kelly Bundy: So do you! But dogs never lose their scense of smell.
[to Buck]
Kelly Bundy: Go find the Dodge, Buck boy.
[Buck continues to sit motionless]
Kelly Bundy: Buck, I said go find the car. Buck, go. Go. Go!
Peggy: What's he doing?
Bud Bundy: He's going.
Kelly Bundy: Oh... maybe I should have said leave.
Buck: [voice-over] I still would have gone.

Al: Oh Peg, look a racing strip!
Peggy: The Dodge doesn't need a racing strip. I couldn't hit 60 if it dropped out of a plane.
Al: [Al holds a tight fist up] No but you could Peg! See Peg you spend money on a fribulous -
[Interupts himself]
Al: Ooh, Peg look car bras!
Peggy: The Dodge doesn't need a car bra.
[Al holds up a car bra purchase box]
Al: Oh it's not for the Dodge Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size, Astrovan.

Al: [to attendant] You keep your hands off my CD player.
Peggy: Al, we don't have a CD player.
Al: Well we would have, Peg, if you hadn't have said that.

Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
Peggy: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark...


"Married with Children: 'Til Death Do Us Part (#7.22)" (1993)
[first lines]
Al Bundy: [voice] Oh Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.
[Peggy, as if on cue, turns towards Al]
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Aaaaaaaalllll.
Al Bundy: [facing skyward] God, you are a woman, aren't you?

Peggy Bundy: [Peggy and Al turn out the lights in the bedroom for sex] Oh, Al you're... done.
[sounds of Al snoring]
Peggy Bundy: Thanks again.

Al Bundy: Hey, Peg you're up. I'm surprised you could make it down those stairs.
Peggy Bundy: Yeah, I was tired last night. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake.
Al Bundy: Oh yeah, those damn bees. One of them must have stung you because I thought I heard you scream.

Al Bundy: Peg, you don't have that "I've been satisfied by Al Bundy" look on your face. Maybe you should go to your girly doctor. They say you should get checked out every few years or so. Put you up on a rack and check your belts and hoses.
Peggy Bundy: There is nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to be taken out and driven once in a while.
Al Bundy: Well, that can't a shot at me. I'm Al Bundy the mailman. I deliver.
Peggy Bundy: But mailmen are slow and deliver every day.
Al Bundy: Yes, but they don't always go to the same house.

Al Bundy: Seriously Peg, you weren't satisfied by my performance in bed last night?
Peggy Bundy: Well, let's just say that I used to call you "the Minute Man". Now, I long for thoese days. But Marcy was very comforting. She said with you, the sooner it's over the better.
Al Bundy: You told Marcy about us?
[Marcy and Jefferson enter both giggling]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, Al. You want to throw around the football a little bit? Uh! There... we done?
Al Bundy: I think she may have told him!

Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country.
Kelly: I thought that was James Brown.
Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul.
Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone.
Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day.


"Married with Children: A Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket? (#8.1)" (1993)
Al Bundy: Peg, shave your head and give me your hair. I'm taking the shot.
Peggy Bundy: Now Al, I'm sure if I can practice I can be just as good as that Smoking Joe Lewis or any other of those quarterbacks.
Al Bundy: [looking skyward] Another slow day, eh, God?

Peggy Bundy: I'm really nervous.
Clyde Drexler: Don't be. Just remember that line from that TV commercial.
Peggy Bundy: "Just do it"?
Clyde Drexler: No, I was thinking, "let go my eggo".

Al Bundy: [heckling at a basketball game] Hey Riley, nice hair. What, you using 30-weights now? Hey Barkley! You're playing like a virgin!
Peggy Bundy: Al, you're being obnoxious!
Al Bundy: You're supposed to heckle at a game. The players love it. It shows them that you appreciate the sport.
Peggy Bundy: [heckling] Hey, baldy! Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Conner get a tan?
[Xavier 'X-Man' McDaniel appears staring angrily at Peggy]
Al Bundy: [quietly to Peggy] No, that's the wrong guy to heckle, Peg. That's Xavier McDaniel. They call him the X-Man. He's coming this way, Peg. You don't know me!
[Xavier McDaniel runs off the court and into the stands and confronts Peggy]
Xavier McDaniel: Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.
Peggy Bundy: [points to Al] He made me say it!
Xavier McDaniel: My mistake.
[McDaniel picks up Al right out of his seat]
Peggy Bundy: Uh, you know Mr. X, I just might leave him alone. He played high school football.
Xavier McDaniel: [to Al] Didn't hear it from me. But you'll be leaving this game on a strechter!
Al Bundy: Hey, couldn't we start things off as friends? Could you help be get Shaquill O'Neal's autograph?

Peggy Bundy: Your dad will be home shortly looking for dinner. I hope he finds it. I'll be over at Marcy's.
Bud Bundy: But Mom, you'll miss Dad's latest episode of "a fat woman came into the shoe store today".
Peggy Bundy: Actually, I know how it all ends. He doesn't get the sale, or a life.

Al Bundy: Guess what happened in the shoe store today.
Peggy Bundy: Did a fat woman come in?
Al Bundy: Enormous.
Peggy Bundy: [sarcastic] Wow! That was a spine tingler. Much better then yesterday's "a fat woman walked passed the shoe store."
Al Bundy: Oh, I'm sorry Peg. I forgot my manners. How'd you do at work today?

Al Bundy: Peg, this is $10,000. You know what I could do with $10,000?
Peggy Bundy: Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?
Al Bundy: No, just one great one.


"Married with Children: Magnificent Seven (#7.1)" (1992)
Al: Yeah, nothing can ruin Sunday for me...
[sniffs]
Al: Wait a minute, what's that?
[to Kelly]
Al: Open your mouth!
[she does, he looks]
Al: That's an M&M!
[realizes]
Al: Oh God, your family's coming! How long do I have?
[doorbell rings]
Al: Great Caesar's ghost, they're here! Have you made the preparation?
Peggy Bundy: Of course.
Al: What about the dog?
Peggy Bundy: He's ready.
[shot of Buck, wearing a large sign around his neck: "I AM NOT FOR EATING."]

Peggy Bundy: [opens the door] Zemus! Ida Mae!
Zemus: Peggy, you look good enough to eat!
[he moves to hug her, she smacks him on the forehead]
Peggy Bundy: No!
Zemus: [moves to hug Kelly] Little cousin...
Kelly Bundy: [smacks him] No!
Zemus: [opens his arms] Big boy...
Bud Bundy: [raising a fist] Don't even dream about it, Zemus.

Peggy Bundy: I just came to say goodnight.
Bud Bundy: Goodnight, Mom.
Peggy Bundy: [casually] Yeah, thanks.
[goes over to Seven]

Peggy Bundy: [singing] Hush little baby, don't you cry, Mommy's gonna sing you a lullaby, and if Bud don't move out soon...
[talks]
Peggy Bundy: I'll kick him out.

Bud Bundy: Even I can't keep my hands off this butt.
[feels his butt, Peggy comes in and sees him]
Peggy Bundy: You need to talk to your father.

Peggy Bundy: Why'd you name him Seven?
Zemus: Why? Because we've had one, two, three, four, five, Seven kids.


"Married with Children: Sue Casa, His Casa (#5.3)" (1990)
Peggy Bundy: [after Al puts on the "Bon Jovi hair"] Gee, Al. You look like Tarzan... If he was old and gay.
Al: Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be!

Al: [after having his insurance canceled and still giving the car keys to the kids] Ah, at least my pain is gone.
Peggy Bundy: Al.
Al: Oops.

Peggy Bundy: How was your date, snuckum?
Al: Oh fine, fine. Just me cruising around, listening to the Oldies station at 1500 Watts. Made a lot of new friends. Take, uh, Officer Lewis for example. Unfortunately I couldn't hear his siren at first, but luckily police cars are now equipped with rammers, that gently eased me into the rail. Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude". Then he wrote me up 18 tickets; including the one for bleeding on his pad. How was your day?

Marcy Rhoades: [entering the room slightly laughing, holding a car phone in her hand] Oh, god. You want to hear something funny? This car phone lay over at my house and a policeman came over and asked me what car I thought it came from, the Mercedes or the Dodge.
[laughing, then getting a slight grip, to Al]
Marcy Rhoades: He thought it could be yours.
[into the car phone]
Marcy Rhoades: What's that? A woman cross town needs a seven-triple-E? I'm on my way.
[immitates an accelerating car]
Marcy Rhoades: Whoever thought seeing an accident like that could be that much fun.
Al: You saw it?
Marcy Rhoades: Yeah. I was saying goodnight to my date.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, a non-Bundy as a witness. You think They'll believe her?
Al: But Peg, do you think a judge will believe that she had a date?

Peggy Bundy: It's amazing. Your Dodge, with a high Blue Book value of seventy dollars, sliced right through that Kraut-car like toast. I'm tellin' you, it is times like these I am proud to be an American.

Al: [on phone] Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see... Bud, how old are you?
Bud: Sixteen, Dad.
Al: He is sixteen... What? If you think I'm gonna pay that much, you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna... You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
Peggy: Well, what'd he say, Al?
Al: Nothing I haven't said myself... Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
[Al hangs up]
Al: There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
Bud, Peggy, Kelly: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
Peggy: Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.


"Married with Children: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy (#5.9)" (1990)
[Al is going outside shirtless]
Peggy: Where are you going?
Al: Where do you think I'm going?
Peggy: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Peggy: Al, you're late coming home. What happened today? The shoe store closed hours ago. Where have you been?
Al: Walking around. Thinking. The reason why I'm late is... well, this beautiful... very beautiful, girl came into the shoe store today. As I was helping her try on some shoes, she asked me to fly away to the Greek Islands with her.
Kelly Bundy: Well, did you go, Daddy?
Al: [sarcastic] Yes, Pumpkin. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye.
Kelly Bundy: That's okay.
Al: Anyway, all this girl wanted was a love toy.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Kelly Bundy: Oh, please! The only feeling you know is Buck's fur against your cheek on a warm summer night.
Al: It was every man's fantasy. To be kept by a young wealthy woman whose skirt is as short as the lifespan of the man she chooses. But I said "no."
Bud Bundy: Why?
[Peggy angrly slaps Bud upside his head]
Al: Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the tooth brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed... it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married... with children.

Al: After I moved Brenda's couch, she said I was cute. Oh Peg, I think she likes me!
Peggy: Oh honey, how could she? Believe me Al, and I'm telling you this as your wife and as your friend, no one likes you.

Marcy Rhoades: Well, according to the book I've just read, "Keep him down, keep him down, keep him down, a Woman's Guide to Happiness", you don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white underwear. You know, the bright colored ones that European men use a bathing suits.
Peggy: Well I don't have to worry about that. Al would never give up his white Hanes underware, size 34, 3 to a pack. I know that because I bought him a 3-pack a couple of years ago and he still has 2 he hasn't even used yet.

Al: [Al opens the door for Brenda] After you, my rear... I mean my dear.
Peggy: [Peg grabs Al by the ear] You are too tired to fix the doorbell, and yet you can go move her couch?
Al: [shrugs] Yeah


"Married with Children: Old Insurance Dodge (#7.24)" (1993)
Kelly: Here's a Mercedes for 50K's. You don't even need money. I happen to have some spare K's from those letters they sent home from school saying, "Kelly is an idiot". Who's the idiot now?
Al: [Overwhelmed] Peg.
Peggy: That's great news, Honey. Why don't you run up and get those K's?
Kelly: You betcha and Bud, you can help too. You can probably get one out of the paper because there's always one in there about President Clinton and his cat.
Bud: And the current controversy over campaign contribution.
Kelly: Wow. What a veritable cornucopia of K's.

Peggy: Bud, how many times do I have to tell you, don't play with your food or I'm gonna give it to the dog. And if the dog plays with it, I'm gonna give it to your father.

Peggy: This is just their starting offer. Go bargain with him.
Bud: No, we don't want Dad to negotiate. He's a moron.
Al: I am. I am a moron. What should I do?
Kelly: Just remember the old saying, "A bird in the hand is worth a foot in the tush".
Al: What are you saying?
Kelly: I don't know.

Al: What should I do?
Peggy: Negotiate.
Bud: Take the money.
Kelly: Buy a vowel.

Peggy: Liar? You know, no one has ever called me that in all my 24 years. Oh come on, it's not like it's your money. Hello?
[hangs up]
Peggy: Boy, you file one multi-million dollar claim and all that good neighbor crap just flies out the window.


"Married with Children: Wabbit Season (#5.8)" (1990)
Peggy Bundy: That's Al, folks.

Al: I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight.
[Rabbit's head pops out of hole]
Peggy: [talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.
Al: Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you!
[as Peggy drags him into the house]
Al: I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

Al Bundy: Oh, Peg, it was horrible. 16 straight hours of shoe-selling mayhem. The last thing I remember that that I was down on one knee, waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman. The first thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is when you've got a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
Peggy Bundy: So what?
Al Bundy: Today's Wednesday!

Peggy Bundy: What's he doing now?
Bud Bundy: Well, he's got the flamthrower. He's aiming it at the hole. He shoots... and misses.
Peggy Bundy: Garden on fire?
Bud Bundy: Yep. And so is Mrs. Rhoades's fence. Whoa, look at her big tree go! Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.
Peggy Bundy: Give him a minute.
[a burst of flame passes the window, and Al runs in with his left foot on fire]

Al: [aiming a shotgun] Oh, Mr. Wabbit? Come and get a tasty cawwot...
[two gunshots]
Bud Bundy: Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.
Peggy Bundy: Hmph, give him a minute.
[a third gunshot; Al hops past the window on one foot, screaming in pain]


"Married with Children: Dial 'B' for Virgin (#9.7)" (1994)
Peggy: I can't believe you still have that car.
Al: I can't believe I still have you.

Peggy: Hey Al, I found one. It's called Like Water for Chocolate, it's a love story.
Al: What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too: Mrs. Assfire.
Peggy: Water.
Al: Fire.

Peggy: You haven't liked a single movie I've selected.
Al: That's because they all suck.
Peggy: Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
All the men: Yes.

Peggy: Dieselhead. A man and a monster truck exchange brains?
Al: Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie?

Peggy: Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Al: That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it? Hey. How about...
[shows the case to Peggy]
Al: Wrestlemania Bloopers.
Peggy: You could have taped our honeymoon for that.


"Married with Children: Earth Angel (#2.12)" (1987)
Al Bundy: Where are you from? What are your plans? When did you stop wearing a bra?
Tiffany: Well I'm from San Francisco and I'm on my way to New York to go to art school and I don't like bras. They're too constricting, don't you think?
Peggy Bundy: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha get out.
Al Bundy: Now Peg, she's got no place to go. Bud, get some sheets and a blanket for the couch so your mother will be comfortable.
[Peg elbows Al in the ribs]

Marcy Rhoades: Come on Peggy, you've gotta help me. We must get rid of Tiffany.
Peggy Bundy: Oh no no no Marce. We must put an end to world hunger, we must buckle up for safety, but when it comes to Peg Bundy getting it regularly, we must go with the flow.

Al Bundy: Hey Peg, what happened to the birds?
Peggy Bundy: [Peg hides Tiffany's goodbye letter] Uh, I don't know, Al. You wanna go upstairs?
Al Bundy: Na, no not yet. It doesn't smell like it used to in here. It's not like a sea breeze anymore. Oh well, where's Tiffany?
Peggy Bundy: Out, for the evening. She went to the movies. You wanna go upstairs?
Al Bundy: Uh, no, no... uh something's missing, is it darker, colder, is the paint faded?
Peggy Bundy: Alright Al, she's gone, forever.

Al: Did you hear something on the news?
Peggy: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
Peggy: I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
Peggy: You got a night job?
Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
Peggy: Well then, you've been missing work.


"Married with Children: Pilot (#1.1)" (1987)
[first lines]
[Bud sneaks up behind Kelly and grabs her hair and holds a plastic knife to her neck]
Kelly Bundy: Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!
Bud Bundy: Die, commie bimbo!
Peggy Bundy: Now, Bud! I thought we talked about this before.
Bud Bundy: What's that, Mom?
Peggy Bundy: You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. You remember the affect it had on Grandma? nobody likes it; nobody thinks it's funny, so cut it out, okay?
Bud Bundy: Sure, Mom.
[a horn honks from outside]
Peggy Bundy: Now, go to school.
Kelly Bundy: [to Bud as they walk out] I *hate* you!
Bud Bundy: Good!

[Al enters with holding a small cactus plant with one of his hands bandaged]
Al Bundy: Sweetie, is this your little cactus?
Peggy Bundy: Uh-huh.
Al Bundy: Any particular reason you put it where the alarm clock used to be?
Peggy Bundy: I thought it would dress up the room a little bit. Ah, gee, you know, I meant to tell you do be careful before you slammed your hand down on the alarm this morning.
Al Bundy: [showing his bandaged hand] Well, you didn't.
Peggy Bundy: Sorry.
Al Bundy: That's okay. I stopped the bleeding with your slip.

[last lines]
Al Bundy: Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know, to eat, just me and you.
Peggy Bundy: Well, sure, if you want to.
Al Bundy: We haven't been to The Captain's Table in a long time.
Peggy Bundy: Oooo, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.
Al Bundy: Yeah.
[long pause]
Al Bundy: You wanna go upstairs,
Peggy Bundy: Thought you wanted to watch the game.
Al Bundy: Naah! Who cares!
Al Bundy: [as they head up the stairs] You know, I like the coffee there too.
Peggy Bundy: Mm.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peggy: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Al Bundy: Anything else I can do to make your life a little easier?
Peggy Bundy: You could shave your back.
Al Bundy: Hey, that hair is there for a reason... keeps you off of me at night.


"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.12)" (1989)
Peggy: [during Al's Christmas Fantasy] I saved myself for marriage.
Al: Oh, come on! The football team retired HER JERSEY!

Peggy: I knew it would pay to breast feed you until you were 9. You need any money, dear?
Bud: Oh no. I could never take any money from you. You and father have given me the best gift of all: the gift of life.
Al: Would he feel it if I kicked him?
Angel: No, but for a little extra cash, I could give him your dog's face.
Al: Would you take an I.O.U?
Angel: Not from you.

Peggy: So Al... I, uh, notice you're not burdened down with presents for your loving family. Are they, uh, in the car?
Al: Well, no.
Bud: Are they, uh, being delivered?
Al: No.
Kelly: Are they... invisible?
[Al, Peg and Bud stare oddly at Kelly]
Kelly: Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. If for once you'd let me go first, I would've asked if they were being delivered...

Norman Jablonsky: How was your day?
Peggy: Oh it was great since every day we met. I didn't finish baking the Christmas cookies because I had a run-in with a shoe salesman at the mall today. I was only trying on shoes for a few hours and he barked at me to make up my mind. He was a rude, smelly, uneducated old man.
Norman Jablonsky: Imagine, a grown man selling shoes for a living. Gee, what a loser! But let's remember the old adage: "I lamented that I had no shoes, until I met the man who sold them to me".

Peggy: Al! Get up!
Al: Peg, you know me?
Peggy: Well of course I know you. Why do you think I didn't help you up?


"Married with Children: A Bundy Thanksgiving (#11.6)" (1996)
Marcy D'Arcy: Peggy, aren't you going to cook a turkey for your family this Thanksgiving?
Peggy Bundy: You expect me to cook on a holiday? Homemaking is a job, too, you know.
Al Bundy: Why don't you apply for it, Peg?

Peggy Bundy: [after several failed attempts to trick Kelly into giving over Hank the turkey] Oh, this is ridiculous. Kelly, look, I know you love Hank, so I'm gonna say this as gently as possible. We're gonna cut that bird's head off, stuff his butt full of bread and eat him.

Peggy Bundy: [as Kelly mourns the death of Hank the turkey] Honey, it was an accident.
Marcy D'Arcy: Right.
Jefferson D'Arcy: It wasn't your fault.
Boy: [the doorbell rings, Budd opens to the door to find a kid] Hi. Mr. McGinty told me you found my turkey. Where is he?
[a look of doom spreads across Budd's face as he turns to the others]
Peggy Bundy, Marcy D'Arcy, Jefferson D'Arcy: [pointing accusingly at Kelly] She killed him!

Peggy Bundy: [last scene, Al is hesitant about sharing his sweet potato pie from Aunt Maddie with his family] Al, I think Aunt Maddie would want you to share.
Al Bundy: Peg, the only thing I'm sharing is this Thanksgiving wish for all of you: get out.
[suddenly, he hears a familiar voice]
Aunt Maddie: Al Bundy.
[Al looks around to find the source]
Aunt Maddie: Down here, boy.
[he looks down at the pie box with Aunt Maddie's portrait on it]
Al Bundy: [stunned] Aunt Maddie?
Aunt Maddie: [talks to him right through the box] Al Bundy, what did I always say?
Al Bundy: "If you want that cookie, you gotta pay for it?"
Aunt Maddie: No, the other thing.
Al Bundy: "My pies are always sweeter when you share 'em?"
Aunt Maddie: Right! Now you share that pie with your family and friends. Don't make me hit you upside the head!
[Aunt Maddie repositions herself back to the same stance as before in the picture]
Peggy Bundy: [Peggy, Kelly, Marcy, Jefferson, Budd and Griff all look at him pleadingly] Come on, Al. It's Thanksgiving. Share with us!
Al Bundy: [selfishly] No.
[turns to eat the pie and feels a slap behind the back of his head]
Al Bundy: OH!
Aunt Maddie: [outraged] Al Bundy!
Al Bundy: [with some hesitance he finally succumbs] Okay.
[turns to the others]
Al Bundy: Anybody wanna share my pie?
[everyone happily join Al standing around the pie]
Aunt Maddie: [proudly] Good boy.
Al Bundy: [thinking the last lines of the episode as he cuts the first piece of pie] Happy Thanksgiving, Aunt Maddie.


"Married with Children: Married... with Aliens (#5.7)" (1990)
[Al thinks he sees aliens]
Peggy: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt, and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Al Bundy: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and stole my socks!
Peggy: Where they green before or after they touched your socks?

Peggy: Al, you banged your head tonight. You are having a hallucination. You're probably seriously hurt and need medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Peggy: Come over here and sit on the couch and tell us what happened.
Al Bundy: You'll laugh at me.
Peggy: We won't laugh at you.
Al Bundy: Well, the moon men came back and took my socks.
Peggy, Marcy Rhoades: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...
Marcy Rhoades: Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots?


"Married with Children: How to Marry a Moron (#11.23)" (1997)
Peggy Bundy: Are you okay?
Kelly Bundy: I think so. I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie, but at least I have something that will always remind me of him.
Al Bundy: A $10,000 wedding debt?
Kelly Bundy: No Daddy, that's yours. I've got this.
[shows the diamond ring she still is wearing]
Kelly Bundy: And of course, my loved ones to console me.
Bud Bundy: We're here for you, Kel.
Kelly Bundy: Not you.
[Kelly runs and stands in front of her former boyfriends]
Kelly Bundy: Them.

Peggy Bundy: Now Kelly, honey, on this very special occasion, I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.

Peggy: [to Kelly] On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.

Kelly Bundy: Hey Mom, you see that shade of blue that Dad's turning? Don't you think that would be a good color for the bridesmaid's dresses?
Peggy Bundy: Actually, I was thinking a little more purpley... there, that's it!


"Married with Children: The Worst Noel (#8.13)" (1993)
Al: What's on now?
Peggy: I Love Lucy.
Al: Well I hate Lucy. The real star was Fred. They should've killed off Ethel, Lucy and that illegal alien... Made Fred a single man and called it "Mertz's World", but oh well.

Peggy: What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?
Al: What does NBC have to do with television?

Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?
Al: A "Bewitched" with Dick York, not Dick Sargent, as Darrin, a "Gilligan" where the gorilla comes to the island, a "Full House" Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.
Peggy: You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet?
Al: I see what I want to see.

Peggy: Oooh, look, "It's A Wonderful Life".
Al: Peg, I hate this movie.
Peggy: How can you hate "It's A Wonderful Life"?
Al: Because it's a horrible life. You know the reason they never made a sequel? Because when the guy came back he killed himself. And this time he took that angel with him. This must be written by a woman. This stinks, it bites, it blows. But if you wanna watch it, Peg...


"Married with Children: England Show III: We're Spending as Fast as We Can (#6.26)" (1992)
Trevor: What about a medieval joust? Just think of the promotional possibilities! Buttons, fanny packs, videotapes for the spectators!
Winston: Igor, before you kill him, try and do something funny with him. Then we can sell a separate "Wacky Blooper" reel!
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, do it! I love those!

Peggy Bundy: Al, I'm scared.
Al Bundy: Don't worry, babe. This Igor don't look too tough to me!
Peggy Bundy: Oh, it's not him I'm worried about. They're going to be filming, and I left my bright sun makeup in the castle.
[Al takes that in, then addresses the Lower Uncton townspeople]
Al Bundy: And you guys thought you were cursed.

Peggy Bundy: Al, before your death... I mean, certain victory, there's something I must ask you.
Al Bundy: What is it, babe?
Peggy Bundy: Do you have our return tickets? I mean, just in case you lose them during your victory dance?
Al Bundy: Don't worry about me, babe. I played high school football. If I can take down an entire football team, I can take down a knight on his horse. Besides, if there's the chance I should die, it will comfort me greatly to know that you'll be stuck in this country for life!

Customs Officer: Do you have anything to declare?
Peggy Bundy: Yes. My husband is an idiot!


"Married with Children: The Desperate Half-Hour (#11.22)" (1997)
Peggy: Daddy's our secret weapon.
Kelly: Yeah, if he leaves the bathroom door open.

Starla: Now we're gonna need some food for the road. You
[points gun at Peggy]
Starla: go cook us something.
Peggy: You animal!

Peggy: [Starla shoots the TV remote out of Al's hand] Oh my God!
[Peggy shoves Al out of the way]
Peggy: My Baby!
[Peggy picks up the shattered remote]
Peggy: Oh Why? Why? Why?

Peggy: Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.
Al: Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here! It's important I maintain my will to live!


"Married with Children: Ship Happens (#9.19)" (1995)
Peggy Bundy: We should've left them at home.
Al Bundy: You should've left us at the altar.

Peggy Bundy: Would Ed McMahon lie?
Al Bundy: I don't know. Would he drink? Would he laugh at a joke that's not funny? Would he pout the taste of dog food if he thought he could make a stinking buck?

Peggy Bundy: Al, you don't mind spending the time here with me.
Al Bundy: [sarcastic] No. I'd rather be here comforting you than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.

Peggy Bundy: Al, why can't we go on a cruise together? It'll be really romantic.
Al: Peg, I don't want to go on any cruise. You know me. All that rocking up and down, side to side, backwards and forwards... I'll be throwing up all night. And then, there's the motion of the boat.


"Married with Children: Bud on the Side (#11.11)" (1997)
Peggy Bundy: Al, would you relax? You told Bud to find someone desperate.
Al: [referring to his boss, Gary] When I said aim low, I didn't think he'd excabate the Tar PITS!

Al: I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work. With massage tables and a fridge full of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy... I'm happy.
Peggy: Yeah, well, what about me?
Al: Don't be selfish, Peg.

Al: And love and marriage go together like... Peg, what do love and marriage go together like?
Peggy: How the hell should I know?

Peggy Bundy: Kelly, was I a bad mother?
Kelly Bundy: I don't know, whose mother are you?


"Married with Children: Luck of the Bundys (#8.4)" (1993)
Peggy: I bought a new dress. How does it look?
Al: I don't know, Peg, I'd have to see it without you in it.

Peggy: Good luck is a-comin'.
Al: Does it say anything like: the wife is a-leavin'?

Bud: Oh, by the way, Dad, they made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours.
[he takes a toothbrush out of his back pocket, hands it to Al and races upstairs]
Peggy: Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck.
Al: No, Peg, this is good luck. This is yours.

Al: Peg, have you ever heard of the Bundy Curse?
Peggy: You mean that foot odor thing?
Al: The *other* curse!


"Married with Children: Assault and Batteries (#8.24)" (1994)
Peggy Bundy: Okay Al, I got your batteries.
Al Bundy: Peg, these are A's, I needed D's.
Peggy Bundy: A's, D's, what's the difference?
Al Bundy: They're too small.
Peggy Bundy: Then use a lot of them.
Al Bundy: Better yet, I'll exchange them... for bullets!

Peggy Bundy: Oh, look Al, they're doing a "Full House" in 3-D.
Al Bundy: Is the third dimension the funny one?

Al Bundy: Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.
Peggy Bundy: Well, you'll thank me in December.
Al Bundy: Only if you leave me in November.

Al: Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark.
Peggy: Uh, like during sex?
Al: No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.


"Married with Children: If Al Had a Hammer (#6.3)" (1991)
Bud: [Bud is explaining his new identity] My story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York and I am hiding out in Chicago because I killed a man or spray painted a tree or an old man or something.
Peggy: Excuse me but isn't that the plot of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'?
Bud: Yes, but that's an NBC show, so who would know?

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy; there was a fixin' man.
Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook; he didn't call anybody!
Peggy: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Peggy: Who is loved more than all babies that came before him. Now, since we have limited space, I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed.
Al: I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.
[he sits down, then stands back up]
Al: Hail baby.

Peggy: Now kids; you know that Daddy has worked hard on his new room and we don't want to hurt his feelings, so, nobody laugh until I do first!


"Married with Children: Dump of My Own (#3.5)" (1989)
Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
Peggy: I want the lottery.

Al: Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?
Peggy: Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
Al: Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.
Peggy: Is that its new name?

Bud: Where's Dad?
Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch]
Peggy: How was it, honey?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me.
[turns on TV]
TV Announcer: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething".
[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]

Peggy: Marry your own wallet.


"Married with Children: We'll Follow the Sun (#5.1)" (1990)
Peggy: Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.
Al: Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.
Peggy: I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

Peggy: Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down? My hair is just whipping in the wind.
[to Bud and Kelly]
Peggy: He's not scaring you, is he, kids?
[Bud puts his hand to his ear]
Bud: [with sarcasm] Sorry, Mom, I couldn't hear you over the 'roar' of the engine.
Kelly: Come on, leave Daddy alone. I mean, how could he possibly know there would be a TRAFFIC JAM on LABOR DAY?
[Kelly looks at Al accusingly]
Al: [trying to stay calm] Shut up.

Peggy: Hi honey, did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet so far.
Peggy: Well, maybe you need a bigger gun sweetheart. Not that I don't love your itty bitty one.

Peggy: Come on kids. We can still see Mark Spitz and Greg Louganis in "Swim Gyms". It's the story about synchronised swimmers who solve crimes in their spare time.


"Married with Children: How Green Was My Apple (#8.16)" (1994)
Al: [Bud and his date are about to leave] Son, since you're using the Dodge tonight, I need you to stop by the hardware store and pick up fifty pounds of manure for me and stop at the drug store and pick up some 'rhoid cream for me.
Kelly: While you're there, get me some extra large maxipads too.
Bud: Does anyone need me to pick up anything really embarrassing?
Peggy: Suppositories!

Peggy: Hey, are you sure you're not that little Partridge boy from 'The Partridge Family'?
Surveyor: Yes, I'm sure. I've never been sure of anything in my life.
[Reuben Kinkaid, the Partridge Family's manager enters]
Manager: Let's go! Come on, Danny we have to be in Pittsburgh by midnight. Come on... get happy!
[carrying a guitar case, the surveyor leaves]

Peggy: Al, don't tell me you're calling the...
Al: [on the phone] Police?
Peggy: Well at least don't tell them that you're...
Al: Al Bundy here. I'd like to report a missing apple. No, not some stupid computer, I'm talking about a fruit. I know it's not a donut, but it's important to me.
[to Peg]
Al: They're transferring me to the Chief of Stolen Produce. Hello, who is this? Lt. Granny Smith? You sound like that Officer Jalopy I talked to when I called to report the Dodge missing... Okay, that's it. I'm calling the mayor. Er, who is the mayor?
[writes down name]
Al: "McCheese". Okay you're in trouble now, Buddy, I voted for him.
[hangs up]
Al: And they say you can't fight city hall.

Al: Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I want you to do me a favor. Go to the hardware store and get Daddy some smudge pots.
Kelly: [perplexed] What are smudge pots?
Al: They keep your apples warm, so they don't get frozen.
Bud: You call them Marines.
Kelly: Oh. All right.
Al: And, Son, I have an even more important job for you. Go get me fifty pounds of manure.
Peggy: Oh, and Bud, I need a jumbo box of tampons.
Al: And don't forget my 'rhoid cream.
Bud: Does anybody need anything embarrassing while I'm at it?
[opens front door, gorgeous blonde on doorstep, his dream girl]
Al: [in unison] Suppositories!
Peggy: [in unison] Suppositories!
Girl: [alluringly, to Bud] I was just coming over to see you.
Bud: Uhm, not right now. I gotta go somewhere.
Girl: [longingly] Well, can I come with you?
Bud: No! And don't follow me either!


"Married with Children: Where's the Boss? (#1.12)" (1987)
Peggy: Come on now kids, we're Bundy's. How often do we get to be happy?

Al Bundy: You know what really bothers me? There is a guy lying dead at the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.
Peggy: Well, I bet he's sorry now, honey.

Peggy: Hey Al, isn't she the one who got wedged in the escalator?
Nancy: You must be the wife.
Peggy: And you must be why they're starving in China.


"Married with Children: It's a Bundyful Life (#4.11)" (1989)
Peggy: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peggy: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peggy: [singing] One un-touched wife.

Peggy: So Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: 5 bowls a-flushing?
Peggy: 4 'roids a throbbing?
Kelly: 3 nose hairs waving?
Bud: 2 children starving?
Peggy: [singing] 1 UNTOUCHED WIFE!
Al: I guess that's what they mean when they say ""chestnuts roasting on an open".

Peggy: Oh Al, come unwrap your Christmas present.
Al: Where is it?
Peggy: It's me, you feeb.
Al: Ah Peg, how do you expect me to get excited when you just re-wrap the same old junk I didn't play with the year before?


"Married with Children: Field of Screams (#8.19)" (1994)
Kelly Bundy: Where's Daddy?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, he's been down at city hall at the city council meeting all afternoon. He's really steamed about them paving over his old football field.
Kelly Bundy: I hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself.
Peggy Bundy: You mean spectacle, honey.
Kelly Bundy: No. I really mean testicle.
Peggy Bundy: Well, let's see what's on the news.
[Peggy switches on the remote control for the TV set]
TV Announcer: And on the lighter more pitiful side of the news, self-proclaimed football legend Al Bundy is leading a protest against the Trans-Mexican auto plant by handcuffing himself to a goal post on his old high school playing field. He has vowed to stay chained at this post until the project is moved to another location, or quote: prove to me that Marcy 'the Chicken' D'Arcy has lips.
Peggy Bundy: What a testicle!

Bud Bundy: [dismayed] Come on, Ma, tell the truth.
[looking down at his man-boobs]
Bud Bundy: Do you think these will turn girls off?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, come on, honey. Don't let a little thing like a couple of boobs get you down. It's not like you're permanent. I mean, it's been a whole week and look how much better Buck is getting.
Buck the Dog: [Buck is now a turkey] I sure hope this crap wears off before Thanksgiving.
Bud Bundy: Maybe you're right, Ma. I'll just hide for a while. It's not like I had any plans this week.
[goes to answer doorbell]
Sascha: [in doorway, luscious blonde, with breathy voice] Hi, Bud.
[Bud is hiding behind door, mortified]
Sascha: It's me, Sascha, the girl you've wanted every day and night of your life since the first grade. Well, I'm about to enter a convent, and I wanted to be with a real man for my first, last, and only time. Take me, Bud! Take me now!
Bud Bundy: [reaches out from behind door - her luscious body is so near, yet so far - gives up] You caught me at a bad time. Goodbye.
Sascha: [gasps a startled little stifled cry of defeat] Oh!
Peggy Bundy: [to retreating Bud] Where are you going?
Bud Bundy: [plodding up the stairs to his room] To cop a feel and kill myself.
Kelly Bundy: [entering] Hi, Mom. Does Bud still have boobs?
[Peggy nods]
Kelly Bundy: Ah, well, then I'll be sleeping at Cindy's.

Kelly Bundy: Where's Dad?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, he's down at the City counsel meeting. You know, he's all steamed up about them paving over his football field.
Kelly Bundy: Ugh, I just hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself.
Peggy Bundy: You mean 'spectacle', honey.
Kelly Bundy: No, I mean, 'testicle'. I'm used to the spectacle thing.


"Married with Children: She's Having a Baby: Part 1 (#6.1)" (1991)
Peggy: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Al: Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy: That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Peggy: Al?
Al: Hmm?
Peggy: What should we name the baby?
Al: The Reaper?

Al: Once my kids leave the house, I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard. God I feel good.
Peggy: Honey?
Al: Yes?
Peggy: Guess what?
Al: What?
Peggy: I'M PREGNANT TOO!
Marcy: How far along are you?
Peggy: Five months.
Al: Five months?
Peggy: Al, didn't you notice that I was getting fat?
Al: Well... yeah.


"Married with Children: You Better Shop Around: Part 2 (#5.22)" (1991)
[Al and Peg are competing with Marcy and Jefferson for a shopping spree]
Jefferson: Drop dead!
Peggy: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dust!
Al: Grow hair!

The Beaver: Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies, the store with great food, and super-low prices...
[breaks down]
The Beaver: Oh, merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me! Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the Old Beav's head!
Peggy: Oh, Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many. Can't you get him a job at the shoe store?
Al: That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.

[Peggy is racing down an aisle with the supermarket cart with the plastic bull's head and butcher knifes as fake horns on the front of the cart at full speed unknowingly right towards Al]
Peggy: Hold on, Al! I'm coming!
Al: No, stop Peg! The contest is over! It's over! We did it! We won!
[Peggy, not hearing Al, continues running right towards him as Al sees the knifes on the front of the cart about to hit him]
Al: [beat; accepting his fate] Oh well... I married her.
[Al gets impaled by the knifes on the cart]


"Married with Children: Dances with Weezie (#8.10)" (1993)
Jefferson: What year did the Cubs last win the World Series?
Al: 1908.
Peggy: And yet you can't remember the year we were married?
Al: Same year, 1908. Only difference is, baseball is still interesting.
Peggy: Maybe that's because they score more than once a season.

Peggy: Al, what was I wearing the day we met?
Al: Too much make-up.

Jefferson: You copied that from Bugs Bunny.
Al: No, Daffy Duck.
Jefferson: Bugs.
Al: Daffy.
Jefferson: Bugs.
Al: Daffy.
Peggy: Why are you two introducing yourselves to each other?


"Married with Children: The Stepford Peg (#11.10)" (1997)
Peggy: Am I in Hell?
Al: No, Peg, if you were in Hell then you'd be sitting on a throne and the devil would be packing.

Al: Peg, you know I'm not one to beat around the bush, unless, of course, you're in it. So I'll make this fast.
Peggy: Like you know any other way.

[Marcy watches Peg wash her car and can't take it anymore]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Ohh, I can't stand this for another minute! Look Peggy, Al's brainwashed you. You are not cheerful, tidy and hardworking. You're mean, rude and sloppy. You're a horrible wife, worst mother and proud of it.
Peggy: I beg your pardon?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Peggy, I say this with love. You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.
Peggy: And you are a bitter woman Marcy Darcy. You see my loving, picture perfect family and all of a sudden your pretty boy husband and foreign car don't seem so spiffy. Well, your jealous lies aren't getting thought to Mrs. Al Bundy. Good day.
[Peg picks up her bucket with cleaning solutions]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well... Peggy, wait.
Peggy: [picks up the rag] And for future reference, my Al prefers to have his paper on the porch, not in the bushes. Remember that or we'll tell your supervisor.


"Married with Children: Buck Has a Belly Ache (#6.6)" (1991)
[a disgusted Kelly and Bud look at the pregnant Peggy eating 'Tabaki and Clam' ice cream]
Peggy Bundy: This isn't for me. It's for the baby.
Kelly Bundy: What are you carrying in there? A chain-smoking otter?

Peggy Bundy: [rubbing her pregnant belly] Do we have the munchies? Well, how does a nice salami, goat cheese peanut butter and crayfish sandwich sound?
[digs through the refrigerator]
Peggy Bundy: Well looky here!
[brings it to the table]
Peggy Bundy: Lookout below
[starts to eat]
Peggy Bundy: Something's missing
Bud Bundy: [arrives with Kelly with some ice cream] Here's your ice cream Mom, Tabaki and clam
Peggy Bundy: That's the missing ingredient!

Peggy Bundy: Al, I'm bored. Rub my feet.
Al Bundy: Peg, I wouldn't rub your feet even if a genie popped out of 'em.


"Married with Children: Bearly Men (#10.12)" (1995)
Kelly Bundy: Mom, you think Dad will get Grandma and Grandpa back together?
Peggy Bundy: I hope so. They used to be so happy together. Look at this photo album of theirs. Here's a picture of Grandpa on a seesaw. Now, here's one of Grandma getting on the seesaw. Oh, and here's a picture of Grandpa flying over the distant power lines.
Kelly Bundy: Oh look, their wedding photos.
Peggy Bundy: There's Grandma taking the first bite of the wedding cake, which also happened to be the last bite of the wedding cake.
Kelly Bundy: Mom, do you thing that will ever happen to me?
Peggy Bundy: What? Getting married?
Kelly Bundy: No. Gaining 700 pounds.

Al Bundy: Hey Marcy, did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: He's not dead you chucklehead. He just violated my Mercedes!
Peggy Bundy: How do you know?
[Jefferson enters looking deshelveled and wide-eyed]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Because we were in it.
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, are you okay?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, I'm all right. A little in shock and jealous.
Peggy Bundy: Jealous?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, you should have seen him go and go and go. My God, if a car could smile. One thing I know for sure. Tonight, Jefferson, we're playing Buick and the Beast.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] I... I... I... I don't know Marcy. I might need some counselling. And, I think you may have to do all the work for a while.

Al: Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?
Peggy: Me, Al?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peggy: Was I in bed?
Al: Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.
Peggy: Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?
Al: Cindy Crawford.


"Married with Children: Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 1 (#11.4)" (1996)
[in a flashback to the late 1960s, a teenage Al and Peggy have just has sex in Al's Dodge at a drive-in theater]
Peggy Bundy: Wow, Al. You were great! You're better and last longer then the whole football team combined. Uh... not that I speak from experience. But you scored four touchdowns today. Four in one game. That's never been done before! You single handingly won Polk High's Championship Football game.
Al: Oh, Peg, it's no big deal. I mean, it's not like it's going to be the highlight of my life or anything.

[a flashback to 1974 shows a three-year-old Kelly riding in the back seat of the Dodge with infant Bud in a childs seat with Al and Peggy in the front seats]
Young Kelly: Eww! Mommy, Daddy, Bud's touching himself!
Peggy Bundy: She's right, Al.
Al: Let him be, Kelly. That's just a phase he's going through. He'll grow out of it.

Peggy Bundy: [in 1974 flashback] Al, you shouldn't ignore Kelly. I was watching Phil Donahue yesterday and he said that if a father ignores his daughter, she could develop an abnormal craving for male attention.
Al: Phil Donahue is full of crap! He doesn't know what things a family thinks or goes through. Just like your idea about "home shopping" where a woman can order anything over the telephone without leaving the house. It'll never work...
Peggy Bundy: Al, look out!
[Al swerves his car and hits another car off-screen]
Al: Damn Japanese cars! They'll never catch on.


"Married with Children: Who'll Stop the Rain (#4.13)" (1990)
Peggy: Al, just call a roofer.
Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
Bud: Eat Mom's food!

Peggy: Well, who's going to go up there and tell your father that metal conducts electricity?
Kelly, Bud: Not me. We could get hurt up there.

Peggy: [Al has gone outside to fix the roof] Kids! Hurry, come quick!
Bud: What is it, Mom? Creditors? Should I boil some water?
Peggy: No, kids. You know how you are always complaining that your father never does anything with the family? Well, just watch that window and your father has a big surprise for us.
Peggy: Right about now; three, two, one
[Al screams and falls past the window, family laughs and claps]
Peggy: Okay, back to bed, kids.
Kelly: That was really great. You know, I'm so happy that I'm going to give Daddy his wallet back.
Bud: But, we're going to keep the money, right?
Kelly: Well, we didn't see him hit the ground.


"Married with Children: Scared Single (#8.8)" (1993)
[Al comes home from work and sits beside Peggy sitting on the living room couch watching TV as usual]
Al: Hi, Peg.
[to the TV set]
Al: Hi, Oprah.
[to Peggy]
Al: Peg, I made a mistake. Before I left for work today, I used to think that all women were totally useless. Now I realize that it's just you. I used to think that all men were loses, destined to marry the worst possible mate. Now I realize that it's just me.
Peggy Bundy: Huh? Oh, sorry Al. I didn't here you come in. I was watching Oprah.
Al: That's okay, Peg. I was talking to Oprah. Anyway, I'm trying to say that I was wrong about other women as well as my co-worker, Aaron, wanting to get married. If he wants to get married, I will support him in that aspect. With his supportive wife, I'll live my life through him. I'll live his sports life through him. I'll live his daily routine through him. I'll even live his sex life through him.
Peggy Bundy: Huh? Oh, sorry Al. I didn't here you come in. I was watching Oprah.

Al Bundy: Peg. Bud. Man, do I have good news!
Peggy Bundy: Al, aren't you forgetting someone?
[a delirious Kelly sits quietly on the couch]
Al Bundy: Aw, Peg! She's nuts!
Peggy Bundy: Nuts or not, she is still our daughter.
Al Bundy: Oh, all right, Peg!
[to Kelly]
Al Bundy: Hi, Pumpkin.
[Kelly doesn't answer]
Al Bundy: Isn't that cute? I used to call her Pumpkin, now she is one.

Peggy Bundy: Al, there's something strange on your face.
Al: It's called smile, Peg. But don't worry. I won't bring this to home.


"Married with Children: Kelly Knows Something (#8.26)" (1994)
Al: A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying "don't shoot, from the front I look human." Now you think a good natured, jolly lady like that could take some good humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that's going to come out of?
Peggy: Kelly's?
Al: Damn right, if only if I can find where she hides her purse.

[as Kelly is winning the TV sports trivia show]
Al: She did it! She's winning! Peg, you're gettin' some tonight!
Peggy: Al, can I get some tomorrow night too? And some the following night, and so on?
Al: Not unless Kelly wins this last question.
[after Kelly loses the TV quiz show's final question]
Peggy: Uh... Al. Am I still gettin' some?
Al: No, Peg. In fact, I just might take some back.

[Psycho Dad is playing on the TV]
Al: Peg, I'm so exited.
Peggy: Al, I hate 'Psycho Dad'. It's just...
Al: Peg! There is nothing in Heaven or on Earth that's going to keep me from watching 'Psycho Dad.'
[the TV set's image blows up, short circuiting the set]
Al: Uh... Peg. This God we pray to every Sunday... what do you think "she" looks like?


"Married with Children: You Better Shop Around: Part 1 (#5.21)" (1991)
[Al has brought home a surplus air conditioner]
Peggy: Al, I thought you were going to one of those Korean stores. You know, to get one of those appliances that have names almost like products? Like our Frigid-door refrigerator, or RC-Hay TV.
Al: Or my beauti-fool wife?

Al: Kids, we're moving into the drug store down the street.
Manager: Buy something, or you'll be moving into the County Jail.
Al: OK. Peg. Checkbook.
Manager: Cash only, Bundy, and I STILL want two forms of ID.
Al: Family meeting. OK, give me all your money.
[Peg and Kids give money to Al]
Al: Eighteen cents. When I asked you for money to buy a battery for the Kaiser you said you didn't have a dime.
Peggy Bundy: No, we said we didn't give a DAMN.

[Al's wiring has blown out the neighborhood's transformer on the hottest day of the year]
Peggy: Oh, the whole neighborhood's gone dark!
Al: Well, at least they don't know it's our fault.
Neighbor: Bundy did this!
Crowd: BUNDY! BUNDY! BUNDY!
Kelly: God, where did they get the torches and the pitchforks so fast?
Al: Shut up! Put your weight against the door, they're coming in!


"Married with Children: Teacher Pets (#6.21)" (1992)
Peggy: He's in a suit. Is there a funeral at school today?
Bud: Yes. 'Tis the death of Bud Bundy, lonely boy, and the birth of Stud Bundy, only boy. I have a date!

Peggy: Can someone get me some water?
Al Bundy: You know where the kitchen is... or maybe you don't.
[Al chuckles]
Kelly Bundy: Daddy, she is sick, she needs help.
[Kelly stands up]
Kelly Bundy: Mom, the kitchen's over there somewhere.

Bud: [doorbell rings] That must be her now, a half hour early I might add. Well, who can blame her. Sometimes I can't wait to touch myself either... you know what I mean.
Peggy: I'm afraid we do.


"Married with Children: Nooner or Later (#8.21)" (1994)
Bud Bundy: Where are you going?
Peggy Bundy: We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
Kelly Bundy: Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
Al: Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
Bud Bundy: But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
Al: Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.

Peggy Bundy: Do you know my boobs?
Al: Yeah, they're standing in line for concert tickets.

Peggy Bundy: Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Al: Then jump off the roof, Peg.


"Married with Children: How Bleen Was My Kelly (#10.5)" (1995)
Bud Bundy: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
Al Bundy: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peggy Bundy: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
Al Bundy: No, that's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Peggy Bundy: Al, if you're going to come in, would you shut the door?
Al Bundy: Peg, if you're going to live here, could you shut your mouth?

[Al is carrying two large bags of dog food]
Al Bundy: You know, Peg, this new dog we have is really chewing a hole in our budget. Look that what you sent me to the market to buy: Kibbles & Dog Biscuits, Liver Snaps.
Peggy Bundy: Actually those are for Mom.
Al Bundy: Well, why didn't you say so?
[Al throws the bags out the front door]


"Married with Children: Married... with Who (#5.12)" (1991)
Peggy Bundy: Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...
Al Bundy: B!

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife?
[notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and a bored Kelly]
Jefferson: [takes Kelly] Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
Kelly: Bye, daddy.
Peggy: [takes Jefferson's hand] No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife! NOW we can go back to bed.
Marcy: Oh, shut up! It's me, it's me!

Marcy: I'm married, and I don't know a thing about my husband.
Peggy Bundy: Who cares who he is? Look at him! He's gorgeous! I say, saddle up, ride, and if he breaks a leg, shoot him!


"Married with Children: The Computer Show (#3.20)" (1989)
Al: Now, we're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women.
Peggy: Yes, and they're quite similar, Al, because you don't know how to turn on either one.
Al: I'm not interested in either one.

Al: This computer cost me a fortune. Now, I don't plan to watch our money go down the drain like I did with the stove and the refrigerator and our marriage certificate. Now as I slowly sink into bankrupcy, I want to have a memory. So, I want you to do something - ANYTHING - with that computer.
Peggy: [scene flips. The computer now sits on a desk of its own and is accompanied by a printer and a phone] There. You happy, Al?
Al: [sarcastically] Yeah, couldn't be happier.

Al: I didn't marry a happy man.
Peggy: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.


"Married with Children: Here's Looking at You, Kid (#3.22)" (1989)
Peggy Bundy: Oh Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me.
Al: Nobody wants to hold you either.

Al: Well Peg, maybe it's just 'cause we're up here on the second floor and all and it's hard to get up here to look.
Peggy Bundy: That's no excuse. I left a ladder and milk and cookies on the ledge.

Peggy Bundy: Al, tell me the truth. I'm losing my looks, aren't I?
Al: No!
Peggy Bundy: Oh, you're just saying that because you know that's what I want to hear. Now tell me the truth. Am I losing my looks?
Al: Yes.
Peggy Bundy: You Pig!


"Married with Children: Banking on Marcy (#8.5)" (1993)
[Al is on the phone impersonating a rapper]
Al Bundy: Yo! Rap Channel, you take requests? I'd like you to play the following videos: 'Rump Shaker', 'Gangster Booty', and 'Put Some More Ass on that Lass'. My age? Uh... I'm 15. Oh. Under 18 you need parental approval? No problem. My old lady's right here. She'll aprove.
[to Peggy in his normal voice]
Al Bundy: Peg, the Rap Channel woun't play my favorite videos unless I get parental approval. Pretend you're my mother. Just tell them it's okay.
Peggy Bundy: [into the phone] It's okay. He's over 40.
[Al takes the phone away from Peggy and hangs up]
Al Bundy: Peg, I was having fun! Why'd you have to ruin it by telling them my real age?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, please! They already knew your real age. I was telling them your I.Q.

[watching Marcy making moans during her banking speech]
Peggy Bundy: Jefferson, have you ever seen Marcy do this before?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Not in public. Unless you count the skyway tram at Disneyland.
Peggy Bundy: You mean she's about to have an o...
Jefferson D'Arcy: [interupting] Big time! It must be that hypno-therapautic transfer thing that Dr. Angela told her about. I just hope that she's near the end of her speach.
[Marcy lets off a big simulated lovemaking moan]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I guess not.

Al Bundy: It doesn't work anymore, Peg.
Peggy Bundy: What doesn't work anymore?
Al Bundy: It.
Peggy Bundy: How can you tell?
Al Bundy: I've been reading Playboy, Penthouse, Juggs, Hustler, Big 'Uns, Little 'Uns, Round 'Uns, I Between 'Uns. Nothing. Then I remembered something. It hasn't worked since I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank. She killed it. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.
Peggy Bundy: Well, I suppose we could just say a little prayer and go on with our lives.
Al Bundy: That's good for me, but what will you do?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just keep going... and going... and going... and going...


"Married with Children: England Show II: Wastin' the Company's Money (#6.25)" (1992)
[Staying the night in a castle]
Peggy Bundy: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Al Bundy: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it: what am I, baby?
Peggy Bundy: You're the king, baby.
Al Bundy: Make me believe it.
Peggy Bundy: Well, who's gonna make *me* believe it?
[Al looks offended]
Peggy Bundy: Oh, all right. *You're* the *king*, baby!
Al Bundy: Good enough.

[staying in a castle]
Al Bundy: Can you feel the history in the room, Peg?
Peggy Bundy: I know. You know, Igor told me that Bud's room is supposed to be haunted. I didn't tell him, though. You know how jumpy he gets.
Al Bundy: Well, good. Because what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
[Cut to Bud's room, where ghostly mists swirl around Bud's bed, and ghastly screams echo. Bud, cowering under the covers, peeks up to see the ghosts of his ancestors]
Hanged Bundy Ancestor: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
Impaled Bundy Ancestor: Beware!
Headless Bundy Ancestor: You will die in the morning!
Disemboweled Bundy Ancestor: Run!
[Bud looks over to the fire, where two more ghosts pop out]
Disemboweled Bundy Ancestor: Run while you still can!
5th Bundy Ancestor: Wanna buy some shoes?

[the Bundys are eating a lavish room service breakfast at the Savoy]
Winston: Um, gentlefolk? When we said "all expenses paid," we didn't exactly mean a river suite at the Savoy.
Peggy Bundy: I'll have you know, sir, that we are accustomed to the finer things in life.
Kelly Bundy: Mom, what's this?
Peggy Bundy: It's a fork, honey.
Kelly Bundy: Oh, cool!


"Married with Children: Born to Walk (#2.8)" (1987)
Al: Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test.
Peggy: Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.
Kelly: And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a license.
Peggy: [with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.

Al: Peg. Sell the house.
Peggy: Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like?
Al: Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead".

Peggy: [writing] Saturday, eleven p.m.: make love. 11:05: Al goes to sleep. 11:06: Finish making love.


"Married with Children: Have You Driven a Ford Lately (#1.5)" (1987)
Peggy: Al just had it in his head that the cop was an impersonator. I'm sorry I put that in your head, Al.

Al: Hello? Dr. Mustang. You got the ornament?
[to Peg]
Al: He got the little horse.
Peggy: [sarcastically] Yee-ha.
Al: [on the phone] You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs. Mustang.

Peggy: How many beers have you had tonight, Al?
Al: I don't know.


"Married with Children: Buck the Stud (#5.25)" (1991)
Peggy Bundy: Al, this isn't a check for $10,000. This is a bill for $10,000.
Al Bundy: If you look a little closer, you'll see it's a bill for $100,000. You see, Buck was ready all right. A little bit more ready than our Lady of Astoria. Or should I say, the late Lady of Astoria.
Peggy Bundy: To death, Al?
Al Bundy: And beyond, Peg. But don't worry, the hundred-thou is payable over a three day period. So, I figure a couple of busy days at the shoe store, maybe a lemonade stand manned by my two daughters here, we'll be able to save up enough money to buy a chocolate bar and maybe some nylons for my new cellmate Bruno.
Kelly Bundy: Daddy, if it'll help any, you can have my share of the $10,000.
Al Bundy: I'll miss you most of all, scarecrow.

Peggy Bundy: [off-screen] Come on, Al. Is that the best you can do?
Al Bundy: Peg, I can't concentrate if you're going to keep shouting instructions!
Peggy Bundy: Not like that you moron! Who taught you to do this anyway?
Al Bundy: All right, that's it! I quit! Haven't we done enough for one day?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, all right. At least you did something.
[Al and Peggy enter from the back yard after cleaning up after Buck]

[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar]
Peggy: Oh, Al, take me again!
Peggy: I didn't even know I was taking you then, I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me!


"Married with Children: Peggy Sue Got Work (#1.9)" (1987)
Marcy Rhoades: You want a VCR? I have the solution. You're going to get a job.
Al, Peggy Bundy: HA HA HA HA Ha Ha Ha Ha ha ha ha ha...

Peggy Bundy: I hate working, that's why I got married.

Mr. Hugo: Do you sell clocks?
[there is a whole shelf of clocks behind Peggy who looks at Mr. Hugo incredulously]
Peggy Bundy: No!
[Mr. Hugo exits]


"Married with Children: What I Did for Love (#7.5)" (1992)
Al: I don't smell no food. If you expect me to pleasure you, I need what Robert Mitchum needs.
Peggy: A jowl tightening?
Al: No. Beef. Let's have it, baby.
Peggy: Al, do you know I cooked four hours for that five minutes of sex we had? It just isn't worth it.

Peggy: Al, I need sex.
Al Bundy: Me too. But I don't see a reason to drag you in it.

Peggy: Can you look me in the eye and say I don't excite you anymore?
Al Bundy: I can look at any part of your body to say that.


"Married with Children: A Man for No Seasons (#9.11)" (1994)
Al: You know what the best part of all this is?
Peggy Bundy: You're uniform has a trap door?
Al: If only the couch had one.

Joe Morgan: We're here with the leader of the Wrigley Field break-in boys, Al Birdy.
Al: Actually it's Bundy. Al Bundy.
Joe Morgan: Never mine, Birdy. Let me ask you, why?
Peggy Bundy: I've asked him that same question myself over the years and he said he's either too tired or...
Al: [interrupting] Pay no attention to the big, red, eating machine, Joe. Why did we break into Wrigley Field to play baseball? For the love of the game. Just like every American husband, 52 weeks of the year, who watch baseball.
[Mike Piazza, manning the video camera, pans it over to Kelly standing nearby who does some very seductive poses for him, as Al continues talking]
Al: [voice] Since that right has been violated, and the owners and players have not been able to resolve their differences, we decided to play the game ourselves.
Joe Morgan: [stepping into the frame of the image] Unfortunately, our audience might have missed that since the camera is suddenly shooting Baywatch!
Mike Piazza: I'm sorry, I was, uh... just testing my auto focus thingy.

Peggy Bundy: Your team is sponsered by a nudie bar?
Al: Yes, not just our team, Peg, the Chicago Cleavage. But every Working-Man's team in the league; the Boston Bazooms, the New Jersey Nay-Nay's, the Buffalo Bodacious Ta-Ta's, and the San Francisco Guys.
[beat]
Al: Don't ask.


"Married with Children: How Do You Spell Revenge? (#2.11)" (1987)
[coming back from their latest softball game]
Peggy Bundy: I know, I know. I stink. But it was close!
Al Bundy: We lost to nuns.
Peggy Bundy: I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice: "bless this, honey".
Al Bundy: Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognized the one she gave to me!

Peggy Bundy: Bud, where are you going?
Bud Bundy: I'm moving my stuff into my dead sister's room.

[last lines]
Al Bundy: I went to the tattoo parlour. Good news: she didn't get the tattoo.
Peggy Bundy: I know. She's upstairs. Did you find Jim?
Al Bundy: Yep. I followed Brian to his house, broke the door down, and I was gonna break Jimmy's head when... she came out of the kitchen. Peg, her face was in a jello mold, and she was wearing a muumuu, but it had to be slit so she could fit into it. And she... Peg, she had no knees! So I let him live. I figured that's the worst thing I could do to him.
Peggy Bundy: That's my Al.
Al Bundy: She was horrible, Peg. Horrible!
[smiles]
Al Bundy: You look good, Peg.
Peggy Bundy: Thanks, Al.
[He puts his arm around her and they settle onto the couch]
Al Bundy: God, she was fat...


"Married with Children: Married... Without Children (#1.7)" (1987)
Peggy Bundy: Oh hi honey, look, Steve and Marcy are here.
Al: Yeah, I know. I've been circling the block waiting for them to leave... and finally ran out of gas.

Peggy Bundy: Ah, gee, the room is beautiful!
Al: Get in the bed, Peg.

Al: [turns on the TV] Ah, SpectraVision.
[takes off his shirt]
Al: Alright I'm ready, let's go.
Peggy Bundy: Wait, we promised the kids we'd call them when we got here.
Al: I dunno, the mood is fading.
Peggy Bundy: Yeah, I've been there before.
[puts down the phone]
Peggy Bundy: I'm ready.
Al: [they hug each other tightly] Ya know, this is nice just the two of us. We don't have to rush because we're worried the kids'll be coming in.
TV Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise for our national anthem.
[Al brings Peggy down to the bed in a hurry]


"Married with Children: Live Nude Peg (#11.17)" (1997)
Marcy D'Arcy: Peggy, now you're not any better than those cheap strippers.
Peggy Bundy: Yes I am! I won that contest.
Marcy D'Arcy: No, I mean you have set the women's movement back 50 years.
Peggy Bundy: Who cares. Last night, this woman's movement was fantastic.
Marcy D'Arcy, Peggy Bundy: Peggy, last night, Al was not making love with you. In his head he was making love with some slut.
Peggy Bundy: That's what he always does. But you see, this time the slut was me and that makes me feel very good about myself.

Peggy Bundy: You think Al's falling in love with her?
Marcy D'Arcy: Yep, better watch out or they might run away together.
Peggy Bundy: Over my dead body! Oh my God, that bitch Jasmine is ruining my marriage!
Marcy D'Arcy: Peggy, that bitch is you.
Peggy Bundy: Well I know that. I've created a monster, although she does make 300 bucks a night.

Peggy: Oooh, Al's doing that thing I like...


"Married with Children: Blonde and Blonder (#10.8)" (1995)
[Al and Peggy are playfully shooting each other with Nerf Ball guns]
Marcy: What is going on here?
Al: Foreplay.
Peggy: No, this can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying it.
Al: And, I'm in the room.

[Al, Peggy, Jefferson and Marcy are playing a Twister board game]
Peggy: All right Al, left hand on blue.
Al: [thinking to himself; voice-over] What is it about this game that's so sexy? I'm touching Peg's rear, and for some reason, it feels pretty good.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [voice-over] I feel someone touching my rear. I think it's Al. Well, he's not as strong as Marcy, but at least he knows what I like.
Peggy: [voice-over] Wow, I like this game with all these hands across my back and grouping my tush. This is just like sex except I have a partner.
Marcy: [voice-over] Oh, I hate this game. Nobody's touching my rear and it's way way up in the air!

Marcy: So Peggy, do you have any other kids' things?
Peggy: Well, we have those child safety seats in the garage that we never put into the car.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Why not?
Al: Well, we found that it was much easier to just leave the kids at home.


"Married with Children: Ship Happens (#9.20)" (1995)
Peggy Bundy: [holds up a flare gun] Hey, look what I found!
Al Bundy: Peg, be careful! That's a flare gun. We only use that to fire off a red flare when the rescuers come looking for us.
Peggy Bundy: Oh... but I don't want them or anyone else to see me with my hair this way.
[Peg throws the flare gun overboard]
Al Bundy: Oh, this is just great! Now I know why Jacques Cousteau only has men on the Calypso.
Gilbert Gottfried: That's not "why".

Peggy Bundy: Al, wack a fish and get me dinner.
Al Bundy: Oh, all right, Peg. It's always the same thing! "Al, get me dinner. Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny." Why can't it just be: "Al, wake up, it's Cindy Crawford here. I'm hungry and horny!"
[Al moves to the side of the raft and raises the oar, and pauses]
Peggy Bundy: What are you wating for?
Al Bundy: A red one. There!
[Al swings the oar at the water making a large splash]
Al Bundy: There, I got her! Hey... where'd that fish go?
Marcy D'Arcy: Where all dead fish go.
Gilbert Gottfried: To the Red Lobster?


"Married with Children: Al Loses His Cherry (#1.10)" (1987)
[last lines]
Peggy: Oh gee Al, I'm so glad you're home.
Al: Wear this!
[Al hands Peg a blonde wig and carries her upstairs]

[Peggy is sitting on the couch when the phone rings]
Peggy: [into the phone] Hello? Oh, hi Sis. Gee, you and Harriett must really be excited. Oh, I wanted to tell you that Al and I are coming to the wedding.
[pause]
Peggy: Don't cry, I have to bring Al. Why are you...
[pause]
Peggy: What? Jose called off the wedding? Why?
[pause]
Peggy: He won the lottery? Oh, poor Harriett. Well, I'll tell Al. He'll just be devastated, but maybe we'll see you for schnitzel week. Love you too. Bye.
[hangs up]


"Married with Children: Sleepless in Chicago (#9.8)" (1994)
[after finding out that Peg threw away his issue of "Big 'Uns"]
Al: [whining] Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.'
Peggy: Oh, honey. You want Big 'Uns?' I'll give you Big 'Uns.'
Al: No, I said Big 'Uns,' not Those 'Uns.'

[Peggy catches Al sneaking in the front door after being next door]
Peggy: Al! It is four o'clock in the morning! Where have you been.
Al: Uh... next door, sleeping with Marcy.
Peggy: Don't lie to me! What's that smell?
[Peggy sniffs at Al's clothing]
Peggy: You smell like fried chicken. You've been snacking at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack. Haven't you?


"Married with Children: The Egg and I (#6.17)" (1992)
Marcy: I know why you're back. You're back... for this!
[she rips off her nightie, revealing her negligee]
Al: [off screen] I'm blind! My eyes, my eyes!
Steve: Okay, I get the message! But remember, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Take this to your grave!
Steve: [rips open his shirt, showing his scrawny chest] Take THIS to your grave!
Peggy: [off screen] WAAAAHH! Now I'm blind, too!

Steve: Actually, there's another reason why I came back.
Al: Hey, I never considered that $50 a loan, Steve.
Steve: Not that. I came to reclaim my wife.
[Al and the rest of the Bundys look at each other with worry]
Peggy: Uh... Steve, I think there's something you should know...
Al: [interrupting] Peg! The man has traveled many-a-mile. Let's not keep him from the bosom of his woman, where ever it may be.


"Married with Children: Al... with Kelly (#5.2)" (1990)
Peggy Bundy: Are you going to miss me, honey?
Al Bundy: Well, I can't until you leave.

Peggy Bundy: [to Al] I left you plenty of food. It's at the supermarket.


"Married with Children: Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (#3.13)" (1989)
Al Bundy: Two months ago, I bought 20 pair of socks. Now I got 20 swinging singles with only one complete pair.
Peggy Bundy: Then wear them.
Al Bundy: I can't. They're the socks I got married in... the evil socks.

Kelly Bundy: There's this guy at school... he is a God... the janitor at our school... so obviously, all the girls want him.
Peggy Bundy: Ok, I'm with you, I'm with you.
Kelly Bundy: Alright, so I've been playing it cool, you know, a little smile, a little wink, a little "Hey Bruno, look at this", you know, he's on the hook and I'm just about to land him. He thinks I'm cool, but if he sees me wearing these horseshoes, he's going to go for some other slut.
[starts crying]
Kelly Bundy: Oh Mom!


"Married with Children: Calendar Girl (#10.17)" (1996)
Peggy: I'll be home just as soon as I find Dad, and believe me, I am leaving no stone unturned.
Al: Where are you?
Peggy: Well I just left Tiffany's. You wouldn't believe how big some of their stones are.
Al: You should see some of mine. I just felt a big one leave my kidneys and head for my urinary tract.

Peggy: Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go.
[Drives off in a limousine]
Al: [Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us.
Bud: Mom is gone?
Al: Yeah.
Bud: Was it something I did?
Al: I don't know. Maybe.


"Married with Children: Mr. Empty Pants (#7.16)" (1993)
Peggy: I don't know what you're so upset about. They still call Carroll O'Connor "Archie". They still call that Winkie guy "The Fonz". They still call the fat girls on The Facts of Life "The Fat Girls on The Facts of Life".

Peggy: I sure hope Al does not wise up to the fact that is he is legally entitled to half his money...


"Married with Children: Damn Bundys (#11.20)" (1997)
Jefferson D'Arcy: [after Al drops dead on the football field] What's he doing?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, my God. He's either dead or having sex.

Peggy Bundy: Al Bundy, this is all your fault. I shouldn't be down here in Hell with you. I should be up in Heaven having sex with a young Elvis.
Al: Well, then it wouldn't be Heaven for him anymore, would it?


"Married with Children: Just Married... with Children (#2.20)" (1988)
[Marcy and Steve are impersonating the Bundys on the TV game show]
Steve Rhoades: So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?
Peggy Bundy: How'd you find out?
Steve Rhoades: Your kids sold you out for a square meal.
[Kelly and Bud are shown in the TV studio audience munching on junk food]

Peggy Bundy: You'll get that car over Al's dead body.


"Married with Children: Honey, I Blew Up Myself (#8.15)" (1994)
Peggy Bundy: There's this new photography studio called 'Sex You Up' and they specialize in boudoir photos. You know, where they, like, lay you on a bed, and dress you up real sexy.
Bud: Oh, you mean like the picture on Kelly's driver's license?
Kelly: That may be, but I've never gotten a ticket, now, have I?

Peggy Bundy: [preparing Al's excuse for a makeshift birthday cake] Now, do we have any candles?
Bud: Nope. Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's
[giving Kelly a pointed look]
Bud: little mishap.
Kelly: [with a shrug] Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported. You know, from Romany.
Bud: It's amazing. Dad's looks and Buck's brains.
Buck the dog: [quietly indignant, in spiteful tone] At least, I never tried to date one of my plastic toys.


"Married with Children: Im-Po-Dent (#2.19)" (1988)
Peggy: Marcy what is it?
Marcy: Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT.
[Steve walks in]
Al: Hey Steve. What's up? OOPS!

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
Peggy: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
Peggy: My God, you are like Steve.


"Married with Children: A Little Off the Top (#8.12)" (1993)
Doctor: Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something horrible has happened to your husband.
Peggy: [into a phone] Uh, Marcy, can I call you back?
[after a pause; to the doctor]
Peggy: She says no, and can you speak louder?
Doctor: There is some good news - he's alive.
Peggy: Well, how alive? Can he walk? Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again?
Doctor: He's a shoe salesman, Mrs. Bundy. We could replace his brain with a sock full of popcorn, he would still be able to work again. See, this is one of those... unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions. It said to give him a circular incision.
Peggy: So, how could you misread that?
Doctor: We gave him a... circumcision.

[Al arrives home from the hospital after his accidental circumcision]
Al: Just a small word of warning: anybody who says "what's up", does down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it. And it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.
Peggy: Then again, I've been asking for years.


"Married with Children: Death of a Shoe Salesman (#7.10)" (1992)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hi. We were just wondering, do you know where Seven is?
Peggy Bundy: No.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, let me put your minds to rest. He's been living with just for the past three days. He walked in when you left for that Hawaii/Rock of Ages thing and now doesn't want to leave.
Jefferson D'Arcy: He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write, or use a knife and fork, but he has learned to chant "kill the Bundys" with us and and the other neighbors.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: If you don't mind, we were thinking about renaming him Henry, after my father.
Peggy Bundy: [shrugs] Sure, that's okay.
Al Bundy: [shrugs] What do we care? Do what you want.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls us Dad and Little Dad.

Peggy Bundy: Al doesn't want to be buried next to me. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, yes. I think that the vows of marriage are sacried. That's when I die, I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh, my name is Jefferson. And I'm your husband now, and by the way, we are not in bed so there's no excuse for calling me Steve. He is your ex-husband.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, don't take it personally. Every woman scream out "Steve" during sex. Don't they, Peggy?
Peggy Bundy: Not me. It's too long a name.


"Married with Children: Guys and Dolls (#2.14)" (1988)
Peggy Bundy: Men are such idiots... and I married their king!

Al Bundy: [on baseball cards] Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
Peggy Bundy: No, what I just don't get is sex.


"Married with Children: 976-SHOE (#4.8)" (1989)
Peggy: Hi, Al, did you have a good day?
Al: I came home. How good could it have been?

Peggy: [to cop] Hey, don't forget, if we paid taxes, we'd be paying your salary.


"Married with Children: The Poker Game (#1.8)" (1987)
Peggy: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?
Al: Nah, you'd wear it but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
Peggy: [sarcastic] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
Al: [serious] You wouldn't mind?

Al: What's for supper?
Peggy: Filthy Pig!
Al: We had that last night.


"Married with Children: Poke High (#3.3)" (1988)
Peggy Bundy: All right, Al. It's time to do your chores.
Al Bundy: Wait a second, Peg. We just had sex three nights ago. I'm still kind of woozy.
Peggy Bundy: I'm asking you to take out the garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs.
Al Bundy: And the more rewarding.
[Al picks up the plastic garbage bag and it breaks, spilling garbage all over the floor]
Peggy Bundy: Don't you even know how to do that?
Al Bundy: Thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex.

Peggy: [thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200.
Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.


"Married with Children: Hot off the Grill (#4.1)" (1989)
Al: Yes, A Family Barbecue.
[holding out a hand]
Al: Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here?
[no response]
Al: ...Eh?
[Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away]
Al: ...No one? Fine.
Peggy: Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want.
Al: Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See, this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all the people who don't...
[referring to his family]
Al: ...get to live longer and have more than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.
Peggy: Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.

Peggy: Which brings us to a little promise you made, just last spring.
Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years, now can't we just be friends?
Peggy: No. I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you!


"Married with Children: Married... with Prom Queen: Part 1 (#3.17)" (1989)
Peggy: Now look, Al. You said you wouldn't take me to prom. I said fine. You said you'd only be a shoe salesman for a little while until you got your feet off the ground. I said fine. You said, "I don't know what's wrong; I guess I'm just tired." I said fine. I'm not saying fine this time, Al.

Peggy: Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?
Al: Garbageman.
Peggy: How often do we do we make love?
Al: Five times a year.
Peggy: It's five times a week, Al.
Al: Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.
Peggy: I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?
Al: None.


"Married with Children: Flight of the Bumblebee (#10.7)" (1995)
Peggy: Now that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.
Al: Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.

Al: Well we must have gone back in time, because I'm experiencing deja moo.
Peggy: We're watching the re-broadcast of "Old Man, Older Woman". So much of CBS's audience fell asleep, they're showing it again.


"Married with Children: Lookin' for a Desk in All the Wrong Places (#6.5)" (1991)
[at an immigrant's apartment, negotiating for Marcy's childhood desk]
Peggy: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
Peggy: [pause] Our countries are very much alike.

[as Jefferson is sheepshily explaining to Marcy about terminating the lease she has on a storage locker to squander the rent money, Al and Peggy are exited watching what's going on from their living room couch]
Al: [giddy] Oh, boy! I think she's gonna beat him up again!
Peggy: [more giddy] And you didn't want them to come over!
Al: I was wrong!
Marcy D'Arcy: [shouting to Jefferson] WHAT? You let them auction off all my baby furniture? My memories? My life?
Al: [to Peggy] And there's the wind up... and the pitch...
[Jefferson is flug through the air from a huge punch and lands on the floor behind the couch]
Al: And it's out of the park!
Marcy D'Arcy: [to Jefferson] Now, I am going out and get all my baby furniture back. I want to you remain on that floor and think about what you did. Now, Peggy and I will go to the storage company and get a list of all those people who bought my items at that auction and we will get them back.
Peggy: Me? Why do I have to go with you?
Marcy D'Arcy: Because when I get back, I want to strip every ounce of manhood this guy has on him, and you are the only person who can show me how.
Peggy: [walks out with Marcy] No problem! I did this exact same thing to Al. Right after we were married, I stopped doing many things for him such as help him wash his own hair, and stop making him lunch for work.


"Married with Children: She's Having a Baby: Part 2 (#6.2)" (1991)
Al: Kelly's stupid not because we didn't have a wave machine back then. It's because your parents were brother and sister!
Peggy Bundy: My parents are not brother and sister. They just started to look alike after Mom's hair fell out.

[a pregnant Peggy is sitting up in bed and wolfing down food]
Peggy: Gee Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell.
Al: Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you?


"Married with Children: Married... with Prom Queen: The Sequel (#3.18)" (1989)
Connie Bender: Peggy! "Peggy Wanker, don't bother to thank her."
Peggy Bundy: Connie! "Connie Bender, bring a friend, it won't offend her."

Peggy Bundy: [thinking about tampering with the Prom Queen ballot box] Bud, honey, can you pick a lock?
Bud Bundy: [smiles, confidently] Yep.
Kelly Bundy: And a nose!


"Married with Children: Sixteen Years and What Do You Get (#1.6)" (1987)
Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it.
[Goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside]
Al: Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Peggy: Well I'm going to go out and get him something. Gee, what is it he's really wanting?
Bud Bundy: That blonde down the street.
Peggy: Did he tell you that?
Bud Bundy: No, I just assumed it by the way he bites his fist whenever he drives by her house.


"Married with Children: A Three Job, No Income Family (#3.14)" (1989)
Peggy: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Al: Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?
Peggy: Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.
Al: OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?
Peggy: To get the commission checks!
Al: You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo, we call that SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POOR HOUSE!


"Married with Children: Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 3 (#11.16)" (1997)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: This may come as a shock to you, but I never really cared much about your ex-husband.
Peggy Bundy: We're not divorced.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Think positive, Peggy!

Peggy: Do you know how hard it is for a single working mother to find a man?
Bud: You've never worked, technically you're not single, and you've never been a mother!
Kelly: Duh!
Peggy: Let me put it this way: if you don't get out of here, I'm sending you to live with your father!
[Bud and Kelly GTFO so fast they tear the door off]


"Married with Children: 'Tis Time to Smell the Roses (#7.23)" (1993)
Al Bundy: Peg, some good news happened to me today. I'll just get right to the point. I want to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine. No, I do not want your opinion. Give me my money.
Peggy Bundy: Al, what kind of selfish wife like me would give their own husband his money? It just isn't done. I haven't finished spending it all yet.
Al Bundy: Peg, don't you see that I'm really exited about something here? I want to use what's left of my retirement money to buy this shoe store by tomorrow and that way we can I can make four or five times more money then I am making right now. If you have any love or sympathy for me, you'll give me my money.
Peggy Bundy: Nope.
Al Bundy: You're doing this just to spite me and see me squirm!
Peggy Bundy: [smirks] I know.
Al Bundy: Look Peg, I'm not the one to beg, but if you really mean something to me, you'll give me my money.
[after a short pause]
Al Bundy: Peg, I'm begging you... give me my money!

Al Bundy: Here, let's have a vote. Who wants me to get my money?
[everyone in the room is silent]
Al Bundy: All right, let's try this... who does not want me to get my money?
[Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and even Charlene Tilton raises their hands]
Al Bundy: That hurts, Charlene. All right... I now know what I have to do.
[Al takes off his shirt revealing his muscular, untoned build]
Peggy Bundy: Oh Al, you're so cute. You're going to try to earn it by having sex with me.
Al Bundy: No, Peg. I'm going to take my pants off next, get a lawn chair, and sit in my underwear... over at your college, Bud! Telling everyone there that I'm your father!
[both Peggy and Kelly laugh at Bud who looks down with dread]
Al Bundy: And then... Kelly, I'm gonna go over to the diner where you work, sit at a counter, pull up my Haines underwear... telling everyone there that I'm your father!
[now Kelly looks down with dread with Bud as Peggy continues to laugh at both of them]
Al Bundy: And then... Peggy, I'm going to go prancing around your beauty parlor where you hang out twice a week... telling everybody there that I'm your husband! Oh, did I mention that by then I woun't be wearing any underwear?
[now Peggy looks alarmed with dread]
Al Bundy: And then... just for the heck of it, I'm gonna walk around with a big sandwich sign that says: "I've been using and Abdomatizer for two years... and this is what I look like!"
[Charlene Tilton turns away with dread along with the rest of Peggy, Kelly and Bud]
Al Bundy: Now... let's vote again. Who want's daddy to get his money?
[intimidated, Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and Charlene Tilton all raise their hands]
Al Bundy: Thank you! I knew you'd all be behind me!


"Married with Children: Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (#2.17)" (1988)
Peggy: Tell me you love me, Al...
Al: I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word.

Peggy: [Annoying Al to tell her he loves her] Come on, Al. I wanna hear you say you love me.
Al: [Annoyed] Not that again. Now, I know you didn't think of that yourself. Now where does that com from? Phil? Oprah?
Peggy: Marcy.
Al: Aw, great. The only one we can't turn off.


"Married with Children: Route 666: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1991)
Kelly Bundy: Where's Daddy?
Peggy Bundy: Gee, I don't know. I haven't seen him since he went insane. Oh, here he comes.
[Al enters holding a dead squirrel]
Al Bundy: I killed this squirrel for looking at my gold!
Bud Bundy: Good work, Dad.
Marcy D'Arcy: Uh, Al...?
[Al wheels around and aims his shotgun at her. She throws her arms up]
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I think Dad's shoe-selling days are just about over.
Kelly Bundy: I think Dad's shoe-wearing days are just about over.

[last lines]
[the gang are siting on a beach]
TV Announcer: [on radio] And in this latest news headline under the heading "Isn't that Bizarre?" Today's story comes from New Mexico, where an insane inbred family, a man with two wives and three sons, held up and robbed a group of tourists... leaving them with cash and diamonds. All the family said they wanted was gold. They reportedly stole an old Dodge from a prospector who looked like an old John Byner. They were last seen heading west towards Los Angeles. If you see any of them, do not approach them. They are insane, unbathed and dangerous.
Al Bundy: What time is it, gang?
[They all look at their gold wristwatches]
Al Bundy, Kelly Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Marcy D'Arcy, Bud Bundy, Jefferson D'Arcy: [happily] Five after three!


"Married with Children: Take My Wife, Please (#8.7)" (1993)
Bud Bundy: Hey Mom, you've got to see this. They hog-tied the Cowboy. They handcuffed the Policeman. And they glue-gunned the Construction Worker to the Indian!
Peggy Bundy: Well, what about the other two?
[the Sailor and Leatherman run in covered in toilet paper]
Sailor, Village Person: They're T.P.ing us!
Leatherman, Village Person: They don't normally do this until we sing 'Feeling'.

Marcy D'Arcy: I'm giving next door a charity benefit for this group of women who have murdered their own husbands just to watch them die. And I've invited over a famous group over, the Village People. They were huge. They sold millions. They just called collect to say they're delayed and may not make it. So, as a favor for me, I'd like all of you to come over to the party...
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I thought she was going to ask us to dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Marcy D'Arcy: And dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Kelly Bundy: That's insane.
Peggy Bundy: We couldn't possibly pull that off.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, now what kind of idiot would set himself up for a suicide mission like that?
[Jefferson enters wearng skin-tight black leather as the Leatherman]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't know about this, Marcy. Are you sure the Leatherman wears pants this tight? The cow these came from couldn't walk in this leather.
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, there are women at our house who have killed their own husbands just for saying "where's my bacon?" Now, do you want to be the one to tell them that there's no Village People?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [terrified] No.
Marcy D'Arcy: Now, go oil your pecs and get macho.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'll oil my pecs, but no way I'm getting macho. I've got my dignity.


"Married with Children: Oldies But Young 'Uns (#5.17)" (1991)
Peggy Bundy: Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.
Al: He said "The colors. The colors. Has anybody seen my good friend John?" Then he lit up a banana and then he hung up.

Peggy Bundy: I know what you're thinking: "How can a woman barely out of Highschool herself be possibly the mother to a teenage daughter"?.
Vinnie Verducci: Actually I was thinking if we had trolls under our building. I mean, sometimes I hear noises. My dad says it's the pipes but now I wonder.
Bud Bundy: [annoyed] Look, I'm not a troll, I'm a boy you idiot!


"Married with Children: Love Conquers Al (#10.13)" (1995)
Ephraim Wanker: My wife is just a little embarrassed to be here.
Peggy Bundy: Daddy's right. Maybe it'll make her feel better if we stick around here and participate.
Al Bundy: Peg, I'd rather go synchronized swimming with Angela Lansbury. I'd rather have by neck shaved by Ray Charles. I'd rather have a picture of you tattooed on the inside my eyelids than spend any more time with these clowns.
[the clown sitting among the other married couples looks down at the floor with sorrow]
Ephraim Wanker: Look, Al if you leave now, you can forget about me and Mama patching things up here.
Al Bundy: Oh, all right, I'll stay! But I swear I'm not talking to, or touching that bozo with the big red hair!
[points to the clown sitting nearby]
Al Bundy: Or that guy either.

Peggy Bundy: Al, I don't know why you are so happy. All my father did was call to say that he had some big news.
Al Bundy: What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity that is.


"Married with Children: Children of the Corns (#11.2)" (1996)
Kelly: [trying out the new microwave] Mom! This is the third time I've pressed the popcorn button and nothing has come out.
Peggy: Well, honey, try the dinner plate. Maybe that will work.
Bud: Uh, 'Betty and Moronica'. You have to put food in the microwave to get food out.
Peggy: What good is that?

Peggy: Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?
Al: Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.


"Married with Children: Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics (#4.2)" (1989)
Peggy Bundy: Look, there are two things that Peggy Bundy does not do. Number one: cook, clean, swew, iron, vacuum, and parent. Number two: is exercise.

[Al is reading from a newspaper about Jim Jupiter's death]
Al Bundy: "Jim Jupiter dies on-air on his show." Blah, blah, blah..."county coroner gave his report on Jim's death. Blood sugar level: enough to kill three horses. Cholesterol level: high enough to dam the mighty Mississippi."
Peggy Bundy: This is all my fault, Al. I killed the healthiest man in Chicago.
Al Bundy: So? You've slowly been killing me for years and you don't seem to care.


"Married with Children: Frat Chance (#7.6)" (1992)
Peggy: I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt.
Marcy: I want sensitivity.
Jefferson: I want killings.
Al: I want boobies.
[They all start arguing]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
[Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin.
Kelly: You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy!


"Married with Children: Driving Mr. Boondy (#9.2)" (1994)
[Phone rings]
Al: Hello, Peg.
Peggy: How did you know it was me?
Al: Because I actually heard God laugh.


"Married with Children: Master the Possibilities (#2.16)" (1988)
Peggy Bundy: How was your day, honey?
Al Bundy: Oh great, only worked half a day, stopped to get something to eat, whipped out the old credit card, they whipped out the old scissors and cut it in half.


"Married with Children: For Whom the Bell Tolls (#2.7)" (1987)
Steve Rhodes: I have another phone message for Peggy.
Peggy Bundy: Who is it, Steve?
Steve Rhodes: It's from your mother. She's worried about you and having not to talk to you every day. So, she's coming to stay until you get your phone put back in.
Al Bundy: [Al's eyes widen with fear] How much time do we have?
Steve Rhodes: She was packing her bags.
Al Bundy: Great! Great! We can still stop her. She's so big and fat that she can never get through her front door on the first try. Peg, quick, call her. Use Steve's phone!
Steve Rhodes: Oh, sure. Use Steve's phone, wake Steve up, let Steve take the message. Well, the Steve stops here and my phone is off-limits. Give Mom and hug for me.
Al Bundy: Oh, God. What have I done?
Peggy Bundy: Get out the Sitz bath, kids. Grandma's coming.
Al Bundy: Look, Peg, go out to a payphone, call your mother before she gets to the bottom of her driveway because once she's in motion, you can't stop here! Was that a tremor? Oh God, she must be changing bras!


"Married with Children: No Ma'am (#8.9)" (1993)
[Peg and the kids are watching the screene that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]
Al: Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
[the men cheered]
Al: I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.
Kelly Bundy: That guy played football in high school.
Bud Bundy: That is dad, bonehead.
[points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]
Bud Bundy: And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.
Peggy Bundy: Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
Peggy Bundy: Well I guess so.


"Married with Children: Something Larry This Way Comes (#9.21)" (1995)
Kelly: Mom, I'm so excited. Me and Larry Storch on stage together. Tonight, I become a lesbian.
Peggy: No, I think you mean a thespian.
Bud: Yeah, well the reviews aren't in yet.


"Married with Children: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked (#9.14)" (1995)
Peggy Bundy: Gee, Al. I have to admit, this isn't anything like I though it would be.
Al Bundy: I know, Peg. Usually it's a lot more civilized in here, but when the talk turns to healthcare, dammit, I become an animal!


"Married with Children: A Shoe Room with a View (#10.2)" (1995)
Bud: Mom, I've had a lousy day, I could really use some Motherly advice.
Peggy: Shut up Bud! Oprah's doing a show about Mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.


"Married with Children: The Agony of De-Feet (#4.22)" (1990)
Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
Peggy: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done something that you really regretted?
Peggy: Having the kids.


"Married with Children: Radio Free Trumaine (#9.26)" (1995)
Peggy Bundy: [taking Bud and April's picture] Say toes.
April Adams, Bud Bundy: Toes.
April Adams: Why toes?
Peggy Bundy: Well, in Wanker County, that's where cheese comes from.


"Married with Children: Her Cups Runneth Over (#3.6)" (1989)
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What if men had breasts?
Al Bundy: Then we wouldn't need women anymore.
Peggy Bundy: And if you had what other men had, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.
Al Bundy: That's what happened to my Diehard!


"Married with Children: Buck Can Do It (#2.4)" (1987)
Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
Peggy: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.


"Married with Children: I Want My Psycho Dad (#9.13)" (1994)
Al: [Is lying about going ice fishing when his friends are all wearing different outfits] So you see, Peg, after Jefferson gets the deer bait, Griff has to ski it down to the lake where Ike has set up camp. And Bob Rooney scuba dives it into the lake to see which fish are the hungriest, telling Officer Dan so he in turn can smoke signal the information back to me so I can ice fish with utmost confidence.
Peggy: Of course. Have a nice time, Boys. Catch a big one, Al.
Al: Oh I already have, Peg.


"Married with Children: The Camping Show (#3.4)" (1988)
[Kelly is having her period during the Bundy's vacation]
Al: Peg?
Peggy Bundy: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud Bundy: Squeaked through another month, eh, Kel?


"Married with Children: Requiem for a Dead Briard (#10.3)" (1995)
Peggy Bundy: And to think I could have had any man on the football team...
Al Bundy: Peg, you had them all!


"Married with Children: The Gas Station Show (#6.23)" (1992)
Peggy Bundy: I just got off the phone with Mom. She sounded really down because she stepped on a scale today and it read 380 lbs. Can you believe it? 380 pounds. She used to weigh 374 when she was in school and she's afraid she may be getting fat.
Al: Well, Peg that's probably because she's got about six pounds of food stuck between her teeth.


"Married with Children: Kelly's Gotta Habit (#11.3)" (1996)
Peggy Bundy: Don't tell me you're pregnant. I mean, what would the neighbors think? Me, a grandma at thirty-five.
Kelly Bundy: Mars to mom, I am not pregnant.
Peggy Bundy: Well, honey, then what is it? Bulimia? Anorexia? You found out about Santa Claus?
Kelly Bundy: What about Santa?
Peggy Bundy: [speechless]
Kelly Bundy: It's about not having sex.
Peggy Bundy: Oh my God, you got married!


"Married with Children: He Ain't Much, But He's Mine (#4.5)" (1989)
Al Bundy: You think that just because I don't tell you I love you, I don't want to spend any time with you and the sound of your voice often makes me cringe that I want another woman? You're the only one for me.
Peggy Bundy: You really mean that?
Al Bundy: Sure, what do I always say, why go out for milk when you got a cow at home?


"Married with Children: And Bingo Was Her Game-O (#9.22)" (1995)
[Peggy and Marcy are being driven by a mechanical-looking taxi driver]
Elmo: Sorry for the bumpy ride, folks. It's hard to steer when your comming off drugs. Hey, look out!
[the taxi shakes from a metalic thud]
Elmo: Damn jogger!
Peggy Bundy: Don't you think you should turn on your headlights?
Elmo: No, but feel free to turn on yours!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [to Peggy] We should report him. What's his name?
[reads from the ID on the dashboard]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Dan Rostenkowski?


"Married with Children: Grime and Punishment (#11.12)" (1997)
[Al is under house arrest in his basement]
Peggy: Oh, Al. It's time for your conjugal visit.
Al: No! No! Help Me!
Peggy: Shut up, Al! You're my bitch now!


"Married with Children: I'm Going to Sweatland (#3.2)" (1988)
Peggy Bundy: Al, I just saw Elvis!
Al Bundy: Elvis who?
Peggy Bundy: Elvis Presley! The King! The Pelvis! He just walked by here asking me where the mall pharmacy was, and I pointed it out to him. He's been spotted all over the country and I think I just saw him.
Al Bundy: Peg, let me explain three things to you. Number one: Elvis is dead. Number two: Elvis was never good when he was alive. And number three: if Elvis was alive, he'd want you to clean my shirts!


"Married with Children: Proud to Be Your Bud? (#8.3)" (1993)
Al: I thought I just saw Yosemite Sam leaving our house.
Peggy: No, that was Billy Ray Bundy.
Al: Ah, school must be starting soon.


"Married with Children: Route 666: Part 1 (#5.23)" (1991)
Peggy Bundy: Look, there's a cool 25 cents for you if you'll haul our car to a station.
Codger #1: Normally, we'd do it for $400.
Codger #2: But we'll do it for $200, if you'll let us take our picture with you, leopord woman.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al. These rubes think I'm sexy.
Al Bundy: I would too if I drank whisky for breakfast.


"Married with Children: The Undergraduate (#9.28)" (1995)
Peggy: Al, how come you never send me roses?
Al: I don't like you, Peg.


"Married with Children: Business Still Sucks (#9.6)" (1994)
Peggy: Hi, Al. I brought you lunch.
Al: Thanks, Peg. Peg, this is just three pieces of bread. Where's the meat?
Peggy: Think of it as a club sandwich; hold the club.
Al: I wish I was holding a club. Oh well, it's gotta be better than yesterday's hot dog bun on rye.


"Married with Children: One Down, Two to Go (#5.10)" (1990)
Peggy: Al, our baby's gone. Hold me.
Al: I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?


"Married with Children: Christmas (#7.12)" (1992)
Peggy: And what would you like for Christmas, Bud?
Bud Bundy: [as a baby] Playboys, hooters. Playboys, hooters.
Peggy: Aw, his first words.
Bud Bundy: [normal voice] Like hell.


"Married with Children: Al Goes Deep (#8.25)" (1994)
Al Bundy: Peg, have you seen Kelly or Chad?
Peggy Bundy: Yeah, they went to the zoo. Chad needed help on his schoolwork so since Bud was unavailable, Kelly took him there after his classes to study animals.
Al Bundy: But I heard he missed football practice today.
Peggy Bundy: So?
Al Bundy: So? Don't you get it? I knew this would happen. Kelly is making it hard for Chad to concentrate on his training for winning the game.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, give them a break. They're just two young people in love. They kind of resemble us when we were that age.
Al Bundy: That's exactly why I have to put a stop to it!


"Married with Children: Birthday Boy Toy (#11.19)" (1997)
Peggy Bundy: Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life!
Al: Good, then we'll be even!


"Married with Children: Crimes Against Obesity (#11.9)" (1996)
Shirley: [rips coupon] That's it!
Peggy Bundy: Hey, that's our dinner coupons. You fat cow.
[Shirley and the fat women are insulted]
Gwen: No. No. No. We don't like to be called FAT!
Peggy Bundy: Then stay HOME!
Al: [laughing] You go, girl!
[high-fives Peggy]


"Married with Children: My Dinner with Anthrax (#6.18)" (1992)
[Al looks at the destruction inside his house after the Anthrax house party]
Al: [to Kelly and Bud] You kids should be ashamed at yourselves! Having a party while I was stuck down in a Florida swamp hotel having sex with your mother. I never want to go back either place again. Where's my fun in life?
Peggy Bundy: Al, like you, the kids just did their best.


"Married with Children: Psychic Avengers (#6.19)" (1992)
[last lines; the Bundys have been turned into chimpanzees]
Peggy Bundy: Well, Al, once again you've enriched our lives. Thank your father, kids.
Kelly Bundy, Bud Bundy: Thanks, Dad!
Al: Hey, we sent Inga all our money, and the curse should be lifted soon, if indeed there is such a thing as a curse!
Bud Bundy: Dad, what if she never got the money?
Al: Buck has never let us down before, he won't let us down now.
[Buck enters, having been transformed into a man]
Al: How you doing, Buck? Did you send the money, boy?
Buck the Man: Well, I had to use it for bail. No one bothered to tell me that when humans meet a girl, it's considered impolite to sniff her butt.
Al: Damn dog.
Peggy Bundy: Well, I guess we're monkeys.
Al: [sarcastic] Yeah, *big* difference.


"Married with Children: So This Is How Sinatra Felt (#6.12)" (1991)
Peggy Bundy: [after Bud and Kelly told her that Al ate muffins from a pretty woman, and Peggy thinks Al's cheating on her] Well, Al, don't you want to explain yourself?
Al: Well, I left highschool, lost the will to live and here I am.


"Married with Children: Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 (#2.1)" (1987)
Redneck Bimbo: Anything else I can do for you?
Peggy: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age, I'm busy!


"Married with Children: But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy (#1.3)" (1987)
Al: Where are the kids?
Peggy Bundy: Upstairs.
Al: What if they come down?
Peggy Bundy: I'll take care of that.
[shouts upstairs]
Peggy Bundy: Bud, Kelly, do you want to come down and help me in the kitchen?
[two doors slam]


"Married with Children: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 (#2.5)" (1987)
Marcy: Peggy, you just stuffed money down the front of that man's pants. Why?
Peggy Bundy: Because my checkbook makes him walk funny.


"Married with Children: The Weaker Sex (#10.6)" (1995)
Peggy: [Peg has gone to the restroom at a sleazy bar] Al; why does it say on the wall 'For a good time' call our house?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I've never had a good time there.


"Married with Children: A Babe in Toyland (#11.18)" (1997)
Peggy: Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.
Al: Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.


"Married with Children: He Thought He Could (#3.1)" (1988)
[first lines]
Peggy Bundy: You know, the boys are upstairs working so hard, and this popcorn will make a nice surprise for them. So easy to make, too.
Marcy Rhoades: Uh, Peggy, you're supposed to move it around.
Peggy Bundy: Oh.
[shakes the popcorn]
Peggy Bundy: Well gee, now it's not easy any more.
Marcy Rhoades: Peggy, did you know this says use before May the eleventh, 1972.
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, if you read it carefully, it says *best* if used before May the eleventh, 1972.


"Married with Children: The Chicago Wine Party (#7.7)" (1992)
[after a very drunk Al enters carrying a large stash of bannans]
Peggy Bundy: Kids, takes these bannans upstairs and put them next to the papias that Daddy bought the last time he got wacked.
Kelly Bundy: [quietly to Bud] God, I hate to see Daddy like this.
Bud: [quietly] Me too. I don't like to see him happy either.


"Married with Children: The Hood, the Bud & the Kelly: Part 1 (#10.15)" (1996)
Peggy Bundy: Al, I don't understand why you have to take me with you when you go out to buy new underwear for yourself.
Al Bundy: Well, you're the one that has to look at them when you wash them.
Peggy Bundy: I don't look at them, and I don't wash them. I just... dry them.


"Married with Children: The Agony and the Extra C (#10.18)" (1996)
[the Bundy's phone rings and Lucky answers it]
Peggy Bundy: [speaking from inside a Parisian taxi cab] Al? Is that you? I'm in Paris. Everyone here is so rude and smelly, I'm just thinking about you all the time.
[Lucky pants over the phone]
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, I know you think about me too. I wish I could see your face right now.
[Al is shown with a grimace as he watches the tattooist Harris work]
Peggy Bundy: [as Lucky barks into the phone] Oh, stop barking at me. I know you're upset about the cost of me taking the Concord over here, but I'm hot on Dad's trail. He was spotted last night at a Jerry Lewis film festival.
[Al slams down the receiver]
Al Bundy: [to Lucky] Bad dog!


"Married with Children: Johnny Be Gone (#1.13)" (1987)
Al: Here, Peg, you go, and have a good time.
Peggy: Aww, that's sweet Al, but I can't go without you. My memories of Johnny B Goodes are of us being together.
Al: I'm glad to hear you say that Peg, because I had no intention of giving you this ticket.


"Married with Children: A Man's Castle (#5.15)" (1991)
Peggy: A Bathroom is not a room.
Al: YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM."


"Married with Children: Lez Be Friends (#11.21)" (1997)
[Al opens his front door and sees Marcy's identical cousin, Mandy]
Al Bundy: Hey Peg, look here. The fifth Beatle.
Mandy: [husky voice] I'm not Marcy. I'm Mandy, Marcy's cousin.
Peggy Bundy: Wow, you and Marcy really do look alike.
Mandy: You think so? I know I'm no supermodel, but I never really thought I looked like a chicken.
Al Bundy: [laughs] I like her. You're all right, Mandy.


"Married with Children: Wedding Show (#7.13)" (1993)
[Offscreen]
Al: Peg, leave it alone, it's mine.
Peggy: But it just hangs there lifelessly. Let me fiddle with it, I'll straighten it out.
Al: For God's sake, Peg, you're going to pull it off... Now it's too long.
Peggy: Most women like it that way.
Al: I don't care what women like. I'm the one that has to lug it around.
[Al enters, his necktie way too long]


"Married with Children: The House That Peg Lost (#3.16)" (1989)
[last lines]
Bud Bundy: Where are you guys going?
Al Bundy: We're gonna sleep outside in the hole, Bud.
[Peggy and Al open the front door to find pouring rain]
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, it's raining.
Al Bundy: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.


"Married with Children: The Juggs Have Left the Building (#11.7)" (1996)
Bud: Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest.
Peggy: Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars.
Bud: Why don't we enter?
Al: Because we don't have any talent.
Kelly: Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts.


"Married with Children: Kelly Takes a Shot (#9.15)" (1995)
Al Bundy: Marcy, despite your annoying flapping of both lip and wing, I'm glad you're here. I'm having a problem with birds. Perhaps you can speak to them in their native tongue. They're keeping me up.
Peggy Bundy: Ooh, what's their secret?
Al Bundy: They look the same as they did in high school.


"Married with Children: All-Nite Security Dude (#5.16)" (1991)
Al Bundy: You know that new aerobics center above me? The one with the sign "quarter ton discount"? Well, today they played Van Halen's 'Jump'. And damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful. The ceiling broke open, and down they came, blocking out the sun. I experienced cellulite winter. God, the "humongity". Peg, I could have been killed.
Peggy Bundy: Well, I think you got what you deserved, going by that place every morning yelling, "is that a Milky Way on the floor?"


"Married with Children: Sofa So Good (#8.14)" (1994)
Kelly: [the couch has been torched] If Mom finds out about this, it could kill her.
Bud: Kel, don't you think you're exaggerating just a little?
Kelly: [the phone rings; Kelly answers] Hello?
Peggy: Is my couch okay?
Kelly: Your couch? Why yes, it's fine. It's lovely. Why do you ask?
Peggy: Well the funniest thing happened: for no reason, my rear end suddenly got warm.


"Married with Children: Rites of Passage (#6.16)" (1992)
[Roxanne looks at the knife-weilding Sticky the Clown]
Roxanne: Gee, Kelly, your father is something dressing up like this.
Kelly Bundy: That's not my father. My father is a shoe sales... uh... you're right. That's my father.
Peggy Bundy: Kelly, don't lie.
[to Roxanne]
Peggy Bundy: That's not my husband, Roxanne. My husband's dead.


"Married with Children: And Baby Makes Money (#5.11)" (1990)
Peggy Bundy: If you're the beneficiary, I love you.
Al Bundy: If it's me, I don't even know you.


"Married with Children: You Can't Miss (#7.17)" (1993)
[It's Friday, but Al & Peg want to make Kelly think it's really Saturday]
Peggy: C'mon, Al. Pretend it's Saturday.
Al: [right hand down his pants; switches to the left one]
Kelly: [comes home]
Kelly: [looks at Al] Oh my god, it's Saturday?


"Married with Children: Peggy and the Pirates (#7.18)" (1993)
Al: [preparing to plunge the toilet] This is a job for Old Betsy.
Peggy: Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al?
Al: Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.


"Married with Children: Rock of Ages (#7.9)" (1992)
Kelly Bundy: Hey, Mom. You know what I'm thinking?
Peggy Bundy: That we should go upstairs and divide up Daddy's shoes?
Kelly Bundy: No, I was just wondering what I was thinking 'cause I forgot.


"Married with Children: The Wedding Repercussions (#7.25)" (1993)
Al: You know, Peg, you look really good tonight.
Peggy: How many beers have you had tonight, Al?
Al: Ten.
Peggy: So, I guess you're about a six-pack away from sex.
Al: At least.


"Married with Children: England Show I (#6.24)" (1992)
Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
Peggy: AL!
Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?


"Married with Children: Spring Break: Part 1 (#10.19)" (1996)
Al Bundy: [into the phone] Hello? Oh, Hello Peg.
Peggy Bundy: [into the photo from a taxi] Al, is it cold there?
Al Bundy: It's as cold as your feet on my back, Peg. Where are you?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, I'm in New Orleans at Marti gras. It's really warm here, and there are a lot of kids here for Spring Break. Dad's trail has led me to here.
Al Bundy: Is your dad there, Peg?
Peggy Bundy: How would I know? There's 10,000 people here and they're all wearing masks.
Al Bundy: So the only one who should be really isn't? Goodbye, Peg.
[hangs up]


"Married with Children: The Legend of Ironhead Haynes (#8.23)" (1994)
Al: I hate those little complaint boxes outside in the mall. A fat woman comes into the shoe store today, and she's so huge that she's protected by Greenpeace, and asked for a size four shoe. I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home. And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy Bundy: Honey, I complain about your performance all the time, and you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.


"Married with Children: The Gypsy Cried (#3.8)" (1989)
[Marcy has caught Kelly and Bud stealing gasoline out of their car]
Marcy Rhoades: Peggy, can't you talk some sense into them?
Peggy Bundy: [to Kelly and Bud] Kids, you know the speech, you did a bad thing, blah, blah, don't do it again.


"Married with Children: Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#7.8)" (1992)
Peggy Bundy: Today is a momentous occasion: Daddy paid the water bill! How'd you do it, honey?
Al Bundy: As overseer of the vast Bundy fortune, I came up with a bold financial plan: I sold my blood!
[he rolls up his sleeve, showing five patches of gauze taped up the length of one arm]


"Married with Children: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 (#2.6)" (1987)
Marcy Rhodes: Steve is going to go crazy. My wedding ring is gone forever.
Peggy Bundy: Oh Marcy, calm down. Men don't notice things like that.
Marcy Rhodes: Not Steven, he notices everything. Do you know what we do in bed sometimes?
Peggy Bundy: Yeah, Bud tells us.


"Married with Children: The Great Escape (#2.18)" (1988)
[Al is fondling the right foot and leg of an attractive young woman at the shoe store]
Jade: Sir? It's been 10 minutes. Don't you think you should get me a shoe?
Al: That's an all-too-common mistake in the shoe business, Miss. You see, us real pros understand the need to hold a foot and getting a good look at the leg so that we know what we're dealing with. I hope you are not too uncomfortable.
Jade: Well actually... it turns me on.
[Peggy and the rest of the Bundys enter]
Al: We're closed!
[Peggy sits down in the chair behind Al who immediately knows who it is]
Al: Go home, Peg!
Peggy Bundy: I am home, Al.