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Quotes for
Alex (Character)
from Everything Is Illuminated (2005)

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Everything Is Illuminated (2005)
Jonathan: I'm a vegetarian.
Alex: You're a what?
Jonathan: I don't eat meat.
Alex: How can you not eat meat?
Jonathan: I just don't.
Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat meat.
Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What?
Alex: No meat?
Jonathan: No meat.
Alex: Steak?
Jonathan: No...
Alex: Chickens!
Jonathan: No...
Alex: And what about the sausage?
Jonathan: No, no sausage, no meat!
Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat any meat.
Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] Not even sausage?
Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] I know!
Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What is wrong with him?
Alex: What is wrong with you?
Jonathan: Nothing, I just don't eat meat!

[from trailer]
Alex: Make sure to secure the door when I am gone. There are many dangerous people who wanna take things from Americans, and also kidnap them. Good night!

Alex: Many girls want to be carnal with me... because I'm such a premium dancer!

Jonathan: I'm distressed by dogs.
Alex: [in Russian to Grandfather] He is afraid of dogs.
Grandfather: [in Russian to Alex] Bullshit. No one is afraid of dogs.

Alex: My grandfather informs me that is not possible.

Alex: [Refering to the dog] This is Sammy Davis Jr. Jr... She is Grandfather's Seeing Eye bitch. Father purchased her for him not because he believes Grandfather is blind, but because a Seeing Eye bitch is also a good thing for people who pine for the opposite of loneliness. In truth, Father did not purchase her at all, but merely retrieved her from the home for forgetful dogs. Because of this, she is not a real Seeing Eye bitch, and is also mentally deranged.

Alex: I was of the opinion that the past is past, and like all that is not now it should remain burried along the side of our memories.

Alex: I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out. Jonathan, in this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine.

Alex: You make sex often with American girl?
Jonathan: Not really.
Alex: What is mean by "not really?"
Jonathan: I'm not a priest, but I'm not John Holmes either.
Alex: I have heard of this John Holmes. He has premium penis.
Jonathan: Yes, he did.
Alex: Everyne in Ukraine has penis like that.
Jonathan: Even the women?
Alex: You make joke, yes?
Jonathan: Yes.

Alex: This is not so unusual.
Jonathan: What?
Alex: Not knowing.

Alex: I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women who *are* taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year.

Alex: Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew?
Jonathan: Who?
Alex: The Shaqweel O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker.
Jonathan: Uh, no.
Alex: And Michael Jackson?
Jonathan: [Scoffs] *No*, definitely not a Jew.

Alex: [to Jonathan] You were proximal with your grandfather, yes?

[as they drive by an abandoned, half-destroyed apartment building]
Jonathan: What is it?
Alex: Soviets.
Jonathan: What happened?
Alex: [pause] Independence.

[after an old man gives them directions, Jonathan hands him a pack of cigarettes]
Alex: What are you doing?
Jonathan: For helping us.
Alex: What?
Jonathan: Well, I read in my guidebook that you can't find Marlboro cigarettes here so you should take them everywhere as tips.
Grandfather: [In Ukrainian]
[to the man]
Grandfather: He doesn't eat meat.

Alex: [In Ukrainian]
[to Lista]
Alex: Please, don't be scared. Cars are totally safe now. They even have airbags, crumple zones... Maybe not this one... but most!

[in Russian, referring to why Augustine never buried her ring]
Lista: In case someone should come searching one day.
Alex: So they would have something to find.
Lista: No, it does not exist for you. You exist for it. You have come because it exists.

Alex: Jonfen. What you said at the hotel about Ukrainians before the war.
Jonathan: Yeah?
Alex: Do you think it's possible that my grandfather, he...
[Very long silence]
Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.
Alex: What?
Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.
Alex: What does it mean, inside out?
Jonathan: Nothing. It's just that the inside of your shirt is on the outside and the outside is on...
Alex: [stares at him, uncomprehendingly]
Jonathan: ...Forget it.

Alex: We are searching for Trachimbrod.
Lista: You are here. I am it.

Alex: [voice over] My legal name is Alexander Perchov, but all of my friends dub me Alex, because this is much more flaccid to utter.

Alex: [voice over] This is my miniature brother, Igor. I am tutoring him to be a man of this world. For an example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore.
Igor: [in Russian] Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?
Alex: [voice over] I explain it to him that this is because it was invented in the year 1969. I know this because my friend Grisha knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.
Igor: [in Russian] What did people do before 1969?
Alex: [voice over] He is a genius, my miniature brother. He will be made a VIP if I have a thing to do with it.

Alex: [voice over] This is Grandfather. Like my father and myself, he too is dubbed Alex. My grandmother, Anna, died two years before of a cancer in her brain. Precluding this, Grandfather became very melancholy, and also, he says, blind. His most recent employment was Heritage Tours, a business he started in 1950s, mostly for aiding rich Jewish people to search for their dead families. It is a strange employment for Grandfather, as there is nothing he hates more than rich Jewish people *or* their dead families.

Alex: [voice over] Now I must tell you more of myself. I an unequivocally tall. I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women who *are* taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year. For me, America is a first-rate place. Most of all, I am beloved of American movies, muscular cars, and hip-hop music. I also dig Negroes, most of all, Michael Jackson. He is a first-rate dancer, just like me. Many girls want to be carnal with me because I'm such a premium dancer.

Alex: How much currency would a first-rate accountant receive in America?
Jonathan: I don't know, a lot, probably, if he or she is good.
Alex: She?
Jonathan: Or he.
Alex: Are there Negro accountants?
Jonathan: Yes, there are *African American* accountants, but you don't want to use that word.
Alex: And homosexual accountants?
Jonathan: There are homosexual *everythings*. There are homosexual garbage men.
Alex: [shocked] And how much currency would a Negro homosexual accountant receive?
Jonathan: You really shouldn't use that word.
Alex: Which word?
Jonathan: The N-word. It's not *the* N-word, but...
Alex: Negro?
Jonathan: Yeah, that one.
Alex: But I dig them all the way. They are premium people.