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[about her ex-husband's scantily clad date
: What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
: My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.
: There she is. Princess Pelvis!
[finding empty liquor bottles in trash
: Let's examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs! Elise
: I had guests! Brenda
: Who? Guns N Roses?
: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person. Brenda
: No, that's why your co-stars drink.
: My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off.
[Upon seeing a slinky dress
: Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!
: What's wrong? Jilted Lover
: It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds. Brenda
: That's just like my Morty. Jilted Lover
: Who? Brenda
[Shows Woman her picture
] Jilted Lover
: She's butch.
: Let's synchronize our watches. Brenda
: Ooo, just like "Mission: Impossible!" Elise
: Oh, that was a big hit.
: I remember your first talk-y. Elise
: Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?"
: Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda? Brenda
: Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project? Elise
: Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?
: Where's Shelly? Morty
: In the car. Brenda
: Glove compartment? Morty
: What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start sniping away? Elise
: Been there! Brenda
: Done that!
: Wake up and smell the audit!
: Ya know I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off Park Avenue.
: And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah! Brenda
: I didn't think you would come. Annie
: Yeah, it was in Hebrew! Brenda
: Oh shutup!
] You never even wrote to me! Annie
] You were unlisted... Elise
: And you always talked about me behind my back! Brenda
: Oh, you deserved it!
: You've always been jealous of me, even in college! Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted! Brenda
: Could and did! All the senior class and half the faculty! Elise
: It was the sixties.
: Those lips - what's in 'em? Are they wax?
: When men know women are a certain age... Elise
: Good bye love. Brenda
: Hello pop-tarts.
: I'm saying this, with love compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood... you are full of SHIT! Elise
: [upon seeing an "unnaturally" young Elise walk into Cynthia's funeral
] She looks fabulous; do you think she's had work done? Brenda
] Honey, she's a quilt!
: So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous! And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time you *were* a terrific actress! You've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people *sucking* up to you! I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that *your* perception of life is *somewhat altered*!
: Morty! Well, look at you. You look prosperous. Morty
: Brenda, don't embarrass me. Brenda
: [Mocking Morty
] Don't embarrass you. Morty
: Don't make a scene. Brenda
: Don't make a scene. Morty
: Do not make a scene. Brenda
: Don't embarrass you! You've got a *nerve*! I'll tell you what's embarrassing! Morty
: Keep your voice down. Brenda
: Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky... because I'm behind in the rent, *that's* embarrassing. Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college, *that's* embarrassing! Morty
: You know something? You *never* listen. For twenty years you never ever listened. Here,
[grabs a yellow blouse
: honey why don't you try this one in a fitting room, looks very nice on you. Brenda
: You know, I could use this. It's very beautiful and I love the color. But what am I gonna to use for money? HOW AM I GONNA PAY FOR IT? Morty
: It's the *company* that is expanding. Don't you understand that? The *company*, not *me*! I'm a mere laborer! Brenda
: You're a liar and a FRAUD! Morty
: I have no money. Brenda
: Really? Why don't you look in your purse? Morty
: Oh you're very funny. Shelly
: There stunning Morton, I need all of them. Brenda
: Morton? Shelly
: [covers her face with a dress
] Oh God, make it go away. Brenda
: Shelly! Look at you! My my, the bulimia certainly has paid off. Morty
: Don't start. Brenda
: What's a matter Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress? Shelly
: Brenda, why don't you try these on in
[holds out her arms
: *your size*! Morty
: It's really a delight running into you today Brenda.