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: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach. Oscar Madison
: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
: I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. Don't you think he looked edgy? Speed
: No, as a matter of fact, I thought you looked edgy.
: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone? Roy
: Suppose he tries to kill himself! Oscar Madison
: How's he gonna kill himself in the john? Murray
: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there. Oscar Madison
: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death. Roy
: He could jump! Vinnie
: That's right! Isn't there a window in there? Oscar Madison
: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide. Murray
: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists! Oscar Madison
: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything. Roy
: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying
: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying! Murray
: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something! Oscar Madison
: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy. Vinnie
: You mean you just threw him out? Oscar Madison
: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head. Vinnie
: Let what be on your head? Oscar Madison
: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him. Speed
: He's out there somewhere. Oscar Madison
: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so. Roy
: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar. Oscar Madison
: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us! Roy
: Us? Oscar Madison
: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea? Vinnie
: What? Oscar Madison
: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!
: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter? Murray
: You didn't. Oscar Madison
: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars. Murray
: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back. Roy
: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play. Oscar Madison
: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet! Vinnie
: What Buffet?
[they all chime in
: What buffet? Speed
: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school. Oscar Madison
: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.