John Crichton
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Quotes for
John Crichton (Character)
from "Farscape" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars" (2004)
[from trailer]
Scorpius: This is insane, Crichton.
John Crichton: Four years on and your finally gettin' that?

John Crichton: [holding his son up to Moya's viewing deck, amidst a field of stars] This is your playground.

John Crichton: Check it out!
[holding a snowball in his hand]
John Crichton: This is your universe. This, is your universe on wormholes.
[crushes snowball in his hand]

Commandant Mele-on-Grayza: You will not go through with this.
John Crichton: I ALREADY HAVE!
Emperor Staleek: I agree. You are weak, you will not sacrifice the woman and your offspring.
Aeryn Sun: Our son will be raised in peace.
John Crichton: Amen. You hear that you bastards. All or nothing.
[pause]
John Crichton: Wormhole doubles two more times, Moya goes first, 20 seconds later you join us. Either way this war is over. Peace.

John Crichton: I have to protect the people I love. And you owe me for putting that crap in my head.
Einstein: It may soon be prudent to remove it.
John Crichton: Amen. I wanna be blonde again.

Aeryn Sun: John! You went there, didn't you?
John Crichton: I went the whole way there.
Aeryn Sun: I didn't want you to do that.
John Crichton: Yes, you did. Everybody wants to see the great big wormhole weapon.
Aeryn Sun: No, I want to see war turned into peace.
John Crichton: War and Peace, War and Peace. Did you know that Woody Allen's version is better than Tolstoy's? Because it is funnier and absolute power corrupts, absolutely. Where the hell's my pen? Where's my pen?
Aeryn Sun: This is what you want!
John Crichton: No, Aeryn it is not what I want! It's just that fate keeps blocking all the exits! And no matter what I do I just keep circling closer to the flame!
Aeryn Sun: Then pull back. This war is not your responsibility.
John Crichton: You and the baby are my responsibility. And how am I supposed to protect you from the Peacekeepers and the Scarrans and the Tragans and the lions, tigers and bears? With this? Winona? This gun? No gun is big enough.
Aeryn Sun: We still have Stark and the Eidelons.
John Crichton: It's not enough.
[gesturing to his notebook]
John Crichton: This is enough. Wormholes. What's inside my head. This is ugly and it is malignant. But it will protect you and the baby.
Aeryn Sun: Ah, but you see. You don't just protect me, we protect each other.

Scorpius: Crichton, you possess it, don't you?
John Crichton: Don't touch me!
Scorpius: The secret to victory, the violent path to peace.

Voice of Pilot: This will be used as a weapon, against others?
John Crichton: Worst case scenario, yeah.
Voice of Pilot: If I understand correctly, it has the power to kill tens of thousands.
John Crichton: For starters.
Voice of Pilot: Are you capable of using this?
John Crichton: Yes.
Voice of Pilot: Then I don't know you as I thought.
[Crichton aims his pistol at Pilot]
Voice of Pilot: So you'll be starting with me then?
John Crichton: Someone puts a gun to your head, Pilot. What do you do? What do you do? You defend yourself. And that is why we have to build this.
Voice of Pilot: No one has a weapon pointed to your head.
John Crichton: Oh, God, Pilot! Everybody's got a weapon pointed at my head!
Voice of Pilot: There are other options.
John Crichton: Well, why don't you explain that to the tens of millions of people who will die in the meantime!
Voice of Pilot: Is that truly your concern? Or is it Aeryn and your unborn offspring that you wish to protect?
John Crichton: That's my family, Pilot. Everything begins with family.

Scorpius: So, how have you been, Crichton?
John Crichton: I'm good, Bob. You? The wife? The kids?
Scorpius: Busy.
John Crichton: Yeah, I hear business is booming.
Scorpius: You are right. The Scarrans and Peacekeepers are at war, and the Scarrans will prevail unless you help us to build a wormhole weapon.
John Crichton: Gee, that all sounds reasonable, Bob. Only two problems. No matter what you may believe I can't do it. And just as important - I don't think that the Peacekeepers are any better than the Scarrans. So make sure you validate your parking on the way out.
Scorpius: You will find no serenity during this conflict, Crichton. Examine your choices.
John Crichton: You are not listening. Wormholes: no! Weapons: no! Killing: no! Crichton: no.

Rygel XVI: [Rygel is accidentally carrying Aeryn's child] I want this thing removed immediately!
John Crichton: It's not a thing!
Rygel XVI: Fine. I want this miracle of life the frell out of me!

John Crichton: [a Peacekeeper Marauder has tracked down the crew of Moya] You know who it's gonna be, don't ya?
Ka D'Argo: I know who it is.
John Crichton: Bet me. C'mon D, bet me. How much?
Ka D'Argo: You're on your own my friend.
Scorpius: [Exiting the ship] Hello, John!
John Crichton: Easy money.

John Crichton: You're the closest friend I have.
Ka D'Argo: You could have done better.
John Crichton: Not in the entire universe.

John Crichton: [John is about to activate the wormhole weapon] Do you want to see it? Do you want to see what you've been chasing me and my family for years for? Do you want to see a wormhole weapon?
Scorpius: Yes.
John Crichton: Beg.
Scorpius: I beg you.
John Crichton: It's not good enough. Say "please."
Scorpius: Please.
John Crichton: Pretty please...
Scorpius: -Pretty please.
John Crichton: With a cherry on top...
Scorpius: -With a cherry on top.
John Crichton: Happy Birthday. Now get out of my sight.

John Crichton: Can I help?
Aeryn Sun: Oh, you've done enough already. You know if this was a sebecean child, a pure one, it would've been born long ago. So how long will this take?
John Crichton: On earth, it could take days.
Aeryn Sun: What? I have killed men for less.
[Crichton tries to put his hand over Aeryn's, she slaps it away]

John Crichton: [Crichton carries off Chiana] The first Scarran you see, you tell him who his daddy is! YOU TELL HIM D'ARGO!
Ka D'Argo: [later after everyone else has left, and the Scarrans have arrived] I'M YOUR DADDY!

John Crichton: All right, be careful.
Aeryn Sun: I'm pregnant, not incapacitated, John.

John Crichton: [after grabbing Scorpius and dragging him out of the way of gunfire] Great Body Armor. Does it come in blue?

John Crichton: [to a mortally wounded D'Argo] The first Scarran you see, you tell him who his daddy is.

Einstein: Time.
John Crichton: Flies.
Einstein: Time.
John Crichton: Bandits.
Einstein: Time.
John Crichton: Wounds all heels.
Einstein: Time.
John Crichton: [sings] Rosemary and...
Einstein: Time.
John Crichton: Time ends.

John Crichton: [to Harvey about Scorpius] You be sure to give him this message.
[the camera pans out to show the note that Crichton wrote, and while Harvey blocks a good portion of the first word, you can make out the letter "F" and that the second word is "Off"]

[hearing shots, Aeryn contacts John over the radio]
Aeryn Sun: Who's taking fire?
John Crichton: Huh. Who isn't?
Aeryn Sun: Are you all right?
John Crichton: Well, other than being shot at by the Electric Mayhem... I'm fantastic!

John Crichton: Aeryn, we have to get ready.
[Hands Aeryn a knife. Aeryn aims it at her stomach]
Aeryn Sun: Great! I'll cut it out!
[John grabs her wrist]
John Crichton: No! It's for your clothes... and the cord.
[Lets go of her wrist]
Aeryn Sun: Oh, right.

John Crichton: A monumental black hole. A swirling headstone marking the spot where we used to live and play and slaughter the innocent.

John Crichton: The baby is breach.
Chiana: I can't birth her narl. I don't want a narl. I hate narls. I'm still a narl myself.
John Crichton: You helped Moya give birth.
Chiana: I blew out a wall and three tiers!
Aeryn Sun: I concur.
John Crichton: The baby's head is *up*. It has to be *down*. Don't make any structural changes.

John Crichton: [trying to hand a weapon to Stark] Feel like killing someone?
Stark: Grrrrr!
John Crichton: Okay, maybe not.

John Crichton: [after creating the wormhole weapon and taunting Staleek and Grayza over the comm] Unbelievable, no one has anything to say.
Rygel XVI: [the wormhole expands again] How big is that thing gonna get?
John Crichton: Big.
John Crichton: [the wormhole keeps expanding] OK, boy and girls, here are the rules. Find a penny, pick it up. Double it, you got two pennies. Double it again, four. Double it twenty-seven times and you've got a million dollars and the IRS... all over your ass. Round and round and round it goes. Where it stops no one knows. But it all adds up... quick!

John Crichton: Wormhole weapons do not make peace. Wormhole weapons don't even make war. They make total destruction. Annihilation. Armageddon. *People* make peace.


"Farscape: Crackers Don't Matter (#2.4)" (2000)
John Crichton: I got great eyes. They're better than 20/20 and they're blue.

Dominar Rygel XVI: Well, he's not coming in here.
John Crichton: He wouldn't want to go in there, cranky. All of his senses are heightened, including his nose. You might kill him without intending to.

John Crichton: The ionic radiation gives her photogasms, unless she's faking it. They can do that, you know. Hey, Zhaan, you faking it?
Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: [blissfully giggling] Noooo...

John Crichton: Gilligan and Mary Ann. Maybe you're Ginger. I'd have to, uh, see you in a Wonderbra to know.

Scorpius: Kill her. Then we'll have pizza and margarita shooters. Go on, John. Kill her. Do it. Do it.
John Crichton: [aims gun at Scorpius instead] Nobody has margaritas with pizza.

John Crichton: I'm not deficient. I'm superior. Humans are superior.

John Crichton: Does this strike any of you superior beings as a little bit ironic?
Chiana: What?
John Crichton: That I'm the deficient one, and I'm still saving your butts.

John Crichton: Oh, great. So he's like one of those mechanics on 60 Minutes. He says he's gonna help and then he screws us.

Voice of Pilot: I'm only judging on my experience with you, but I've never seen such a deficient species.
John Crichton: Have you run the scan on the pulsar light yet?
Voice of Pilot: How do humans make it through a cycle, even half a cycle, without killing each other?
John Crichton: We find it difficult. Have you run the scan?
Voice of Pilot: You have no special abilities. You're not particularly smart, can hardly smell, can barely see, and you're not even vaguely physically or spiritually imposing. Is there anything you do well?
John Crichton: Watch football.

Aeryn Sun: Why don't you make another speech, you self-important, deficient little man. All you ever do is talk. Your father was the hero, you know. He did things. You, you're just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment.
John Crichton: [laughing hysterically] That is good. That is fantastic, coming from a frigid, flat-butted Peacekeeper SKANK.

John Crichton: Smells like puke.
Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: I predigested it to increase its potency.
John Crichton: It's puke?

John Crichton: Zhaan, where are you?
Zhaan: I'm up in the maintenance bay, John, about to have a fight with Aeryn.

Aeryn Sun: Unless you plan on actually pulling the trigger, don't ever pull a gun on me like that again.
John Crichton: I was making a point.
Aeryn Sun: So was I.

Aeryn Sun: Got a bit of a problem, Commander? Well, now you've got one more. 'Cause the only way you're going to get my weapon is if I'm dead.
[points her pulse pistol at her own head]
John Crichton: Look at what you're doing.
[Aeryn still doesn't move the pistol]
John Crichton: Look.
Aeryn Sun: [looks at the pistol and cackles madly] Yes. You're right. You're so right.
[goes inside the hatch. To Rygel]
Aeryn Sun: He's absolutely right. Power setting's too low.
[turns it up to max setting, pops outside the hatch and fires at Crichton]
Aeryn Sun: Thank you! So much better!

John Crichton: What the hell is going on here?
Aeryn Sun: Nothing.
Chiana: She won't play me the message. There's a hidden message on there and she won't show it to me!
Aeryn Sun: She's out of her frelling mind, there's nothing on there!
John Crichton: Show her the message.
Aeryn Sun: What?
John Crichton: Show her the message. If there's nothing secret on the beacon, then show her the message and she can get the hell out of here.
Chiana: Wait a minute. Why do you want me to watch it? Oh. What's on there you want me to see?
[Aeryn groans]
John Crichton: You know what? Aeryn's right. You're "fweaking" insane.
Aeryn Sun: Thank you!
Ka D'Argo: What's going on in here?
John Crichton: Go back to your mountain, grizzly, you're not wanted here.
Chiana: They're up to something. They are! They're working together! First of all they don't want me to watch the beacon, and now, they want me to watch the beacon!

John Crichton: Whatcha doing?
Chiana: Well, I'm having sex with three Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like?

John Crichton: I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.


"Farscape: Throne for a Loss (#1.4)" (1999)
John Crichton: [Rygel has taken a control crystal] His scepter. The little hairball took it to decorate his scepter.
Aeryn Sun: I'm gonna kill him.
John Crichton: [to pilot] Well how long can Moya maintain orbit without the crystal?
Pilot: Her orbit's deteriorating even now.
Aeryn Sun: I'll torture him, then I'll kill him.

Aeryn Sun: This is my turn. My plan. Now let's go.
John Crichton: No! Absolutely not. There are other things that we can do. We can try negotiating with the Tavloids, we can...
[Aeryn knocks him out]
Aeryn Sun: Tav'leks.

John Crichton: You shanghai my ass down here, now you want me to lead? Give me one good reason.
Aeryn Sun: Lots of reasons. Land mines, fire snakes, razor grass, night vision snipers, Morlian death spiders...

Aeryn Sun: Enjoying yourself?
John Crichton: Oh, yeah. Marching through a smelly, bug-infested jungle. If this is your idea of a good time, I bet you don't get a lot of second dates.

Aeryn Sun: What happened? Wait, where's the rifle?
John Crichton: It's all over the place. Am I bleeding?
Aeryn Sun: You blew up the rifle?
John Crichton: It's not like I meant to. The damn thing malfunctioned or something.

[Aeryn and D'Argo have just tried to kill each other]
John Crichton: If the gauntlet brings out the real you... both of you: Think long and hard about therapy.

[Crichton has just shot down Bekhesh's guards]
Bekhesh: You didn't kill them.
John Crichton: Guess I'm not that kind of a guy.

John Crichton: That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that.

John Crichton: This is not over with. And when it is, you and I are gonna sit down and have a serious talk.
Aeryn Sun: Sure. When this is over, you and I will probably be dead.

John Crichton: Rygel is an obnoxious gas bag and who's going to shell out for that?
Dominar Rygel XVI: He's right! I'm unloved, unwanted, unpopular...
[Bekesh kicks Rygel's sack]
Dominar Rygel XVI: Unconscious.

Aeryn Sun: Who are you to order me around?
John Crichton: Order? I was offering a suggestion.
Aeryn Sun: Well, who are you to offer suggestions?

John Crichton: Pilot, get a tractor beam on that shuttle.
Pilot: Tractor beam? What's that?
John Crichton: Graviton field, attracto ray, superglue. Whatever it is you yanked me aboard with.
Pilot: You mean the docking web.


"Farscape: Premiere (#1.1)" (1999)
John Crichton: [to Rygel] You fart helium?

John Crichton: Look, I... can't be your kind of hero.
Jack Crichton: No, you can't be. But each man gets a chance to be his own kind of hero.

[Upon seeing Moya for the first time]
John Crichton: That's big. That's really big.

John Crichton: By the way, what part of the universe are we in? Are we still in Orion's arm, still in the Milky Way... You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? I need to see some star charts, get some common points of reference.

John Crichton: How about we show them a little compassion?
Aeryn Sun: Compassion? What is compassion?
John Crichton: Compassion? Wha... you're kidding, right?

Crichton: Don't move! Or I'll fill ya full of... little yellow bolts of light!

Aeryn Sun: It is my duty, my breeding, since birth! It's what I am!
John Crichton: You can be more.

John Crichton: Oh, please, let it all be a dream. A very bad, very twisted dream.

John Crichton: Well how do I know I can trust you?
Aeryn Sun: You don't. That's just another thing you don't know.

John Crichton: Boy was Spielberg ever wrong.


"Farscape: Through the Looking Glass (#1.17)" (1999)
Dominar Rygel XVI: No dominar from the House of Rygel ever travels in reverse.
John Crichton: Well, turn around, pretend you're going forward.

John Crichton: I've got to get out of here before I end up like you.
Dominar Rygel XVI: What, handsome with a great sexual prowess?

Zhaan: I've always wondered what could be beyond height and width, depth and time.
John Crichton: Nausea.

Ka D'Argo: Have you ever heard of anything like this happening before?
John Crichton: D'Argo, I haven't heard of anything like anything before. My planet doesn't even go to the moon anymore.

John Crichton: It's gonna be harder to doubt you in the future.
Officer Aeryn Sun: Well, I apologize for my strengths.

John Crichton: Hell, we're screwed.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Should I disrobe so it's memorable?

John Crichton: I don't know what you've been smoking, Buckwheat, but we got a serious problem here.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Nothing a good meal won't solve, I'm sure.


"Farscape: Self Inflicted Wounds: Part 1 - Could'a, Would'a, Should'a (#3.3)" (2001)
Neeyala: We were regaining dimensionality when our ships collided and must've been subjected to a massive burst of photonic distortion. Once the phaztillon generator is repaired, we'll dose ourselves and hope your living ship doesn't interfere with the non-thermal dimensional forces.
Aeryn Sun: Do you understand any of those words?
John Crichton: Yeah, I watched all kinds of Star Trek, it's just the order that they're in.

John Crichton: You know me? My race?
Jool: Sebecean. Intellectually suited to carry weapons and die marching in formation.
John Crichton: Human. Your species and mine might be related.
Jool: Of course they are. I have a brother who's a Stanerian Lizard.

John Crichton: [to sleeping Jool] Hey, Sleeping Beauty... wake up and die.

Neeyala: [about Aeryn] She doesn't like you.
John Crichton: Nah, it's a phase. It's part of her charm.
Neeyala: I admit to some skepticism myself.

John Crichton: Well, you gotta know how deep the doo-doo is, Ryg, if you're gonna dig your way out.

[inside John's head]
John Crichton: If he masters wormhole technology, what will he use it for?
Scorpius: Faster delivery of pizzas.

[inside John's head]
Scorpius: Did you call me here... to talk you out of your guilt?
John Crichton: No. It's just... the information amassed inside their ship...
Scorpius: No contest! I sit here inside your feeble brain, listen to the arguments bounce off the hollow spaces, how could you not choose science above a beast of burden? You disgust me, John!
[sits]
Scorpius: I long for the dumpster. Pilot and Moya are to die, John. Take the wormhole knowledge that's fallen in your lap and call it a day!


"Farscape: Meltdown (#3.12)" (2001)
Officer Aeryn Sun: [Aeryn is fixing a Conduit] Last one... finished!
[She and John start to make out]
Officer Aeryn Sun: Frell!
John Crichton: Yeah...
Officer Aeryn Sun: No, no, no. I mean bad frell!

John Crichton: [as Aeryn sits on his lap] You comfortable?
Officer Aeryn Sun: Mm-hmm.
John Crichton: Aeryn this is the mist talking.
Officer Aeryn Sun: I like what it's saying.
John Crichton: So do I but we gotta- we gotta focus.
Officer Aeryn Sun: I'm doing my job, corridor is all clear.
John Crichton: So it's just you and me?
Officer Aeryn Sun: Just you and me.

Officer Aeryn Sun: [Jumping onto John] Hi.
John Crichton: Hi. I got some control back, lemme show you.
Officer Aeryn Sun: I love it when you take control.
John Crichton: That's the drexam talking.
Officer Aeryn Sun: No it isn't. I can manually prime the cannon.
John Crichton: I'd love to see that.
Officer Aeryn Sun: Talyn's cannon.
John Crichton: I'm stoked, not stupid.

Stark: Must find Sierjna.
Captain Bialar Crais: Stark? Stark! You release control of Talyn at once.
John Crichton: Good old Stark, count on him to jump right in and wig right out.

John Crichton: Let's talk about the good times, huh? Do you remember Zhaan, Stark? Let's talk about Zhaan.
Stark: I tried to help her but I couldn't.
John Crichton: She would piss on your grave right now, you wanna know why?
Stark: My soulmate.
John Crichton: Because Aeryn is my Zhaan. She's my Zhaan, in every way, I love her, and I would die for her! And you know what, Stark? You're killing her.
Stark: [whispering] What? Me?
John Crichton: You're killing her, you freakazoid, psycho bastard! You are killing my Zhaan!

Mu-Quillus: Stop what you're doing.
John Crichton: Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys use?

John Crichton: Damn, Smokey. You can't argue with a woman.


"Farscape: Family Ties (#1.22)" (2000)
[Making an audio message to his father]
John Crichton: One other thing, Dad... remember the day I left? You told me that every man has a chance to be his own kind of hero. Well, I don't think I'm ever comin' home so... won't get that ticker tape parade and... doubt that I'm ever gonna have kids so I won't get a chance to be a hero to them... but I think I know what you meant.
[short laugh]
John Crichton: I've got... a strange life here, Dad. It's different, but it's my own. I have people who... rely on me, people I care about, people who... mystify me and people who've become allies... friends... and people who teach me patience, and people who teach me... other things. Well, you said the time would come, and I think it has. I have a job to do and I am unafraid... that's what you said when they asked you what it was like to walk on the moon. You did good, Dad. You taught me well. This is John Crichton... somewhere in the universe.

John Crichton: [on a suicide mission] How come I'm not afraid?
Ka D'Argo: Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty.
John Crichton: I love hanging with you, man.

Dominar Rygel XVI: Look, I-I know I can be selfish, but given a chance I can usually...
John Crichton: Do what? Do the right thing?
Dominar Rygel XVI: Yes.
John Crichton: Rygel, I figure the right thing starts at the beginning of the day, not after you've been caught.

John Crichton: You're letting Rygel be your advocate? You're worse off than you look.

Dominar Rygel XVI: You're not joking? I can have your possessions?
John Crichton: If I die and you don't - yeah, have at it.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Why?
John Crichton: Well, you're a material kind of guy, Rygel. Have some material.

John Crichton: How you doin'?
Ka D'Argo: I have to pee.
[They look at each other and laugh]


"Farscape: Thank God It's Friday, Again (#1.6)" (1999)
Aeryn Sun: We have a situation up here.
John Crichton: I'm sure it's not any more interesting than the situation down here.
Aeryn Sun: Well, remember Rygel's assassination attempt? He caused it himself. His body fluids have turned explosive.
John Crichton: I stand corrected.

John Crichton: Aeryn. Not today, okay? I have been out in the sun all day long picking up magic turnips. I've got- I've got a worm in my gut crawling around in places where the sun don't shine and I'm sick of it, okay? So for the moment would you just shut up and help?

[D'Argo has gone into Luxan HyperRage]
John Crichton: Well, Spanky here's male. I think, sort of. I mean, how come he's not after you?

Aeryn Sun: D'Argo's been off the ship for three whole days, but we couldn't find you to tell you. You hide very well. You must have had a lot of practice.
[Rygel laughs]
John Crichton: [to Rygel] Shut up.

John Crichton: Oh, yeah. I think I've seen this one. Mel Gibson, Tina Turner, cage match.
Dominar Rygel XVI: What?
John Crichton: Oh, don't worry. Nobody saw the third one, anyway.

Aeryn Sun: She gives me a woody.
[John stares at her]
Aeryn Sun: Woody. It's a human saying. I've heard you say it often. When you don't trust someone or they make you nervous, they give you...
John Crichton: Willies. She gives you the willies.


"Farscape: We're So Screwed: Part 2: Hot to Katratzi (#4.20)" (2003)
John Crichton: Nothing like a bomb to sober you up.

[John explains why he has interrupted a meeting of two groups that want to kill him]
John Crichton: Because I am an American. And what does an American want? Democracy? Capitalism. I want to sell out and settle down. For one day only, it's a blue light special on Aisle Three. My wormhole technology... and a free set of steak knives... for all the tea in China. And anything you can imagine to pay me... welcome to my cold war.

John Crichton: [about Scarran Minister for War Akhna] Thanks. She scares the hell out of me.
Aeryn Sun: It's the hat.

Emperor Staleek: A fission bomb.
[Staleek's guards start to approach Chrichton]
Emperor Staleek: Put those down!
John Crichton: Nice threads. You must be the Emperor. Now, before anybody decides to get clever, you should know I have multiple dead-man sensors from every culture on my ship and a few cultures I haven't heard of. My heart stops, we all go boom. My heart speeds up, it's boom again. Too hot, too cold, too happy, too sad, thirsty, hungry, bored... it's John Lee Hooker Time... boom, boom, boom. And you try your little psychic trick... kaboom... and we're all pushing up day-glow daisies.

John Crichton: Hey, Braca! You look a little lost.
Aeryn Sun: Does Mummy know you're here?
John Crichton: Does Mummy know he's Scorpius' boy?
[Braca looks surprised]
John Crichton: Ooh, nooo... Mummy doesn't know.

John Crichton: Guys! I apologize in advance for any incivility or insensitivity on my part, but it is beer o'clock... Where the hell is my riot?


"Farscape: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing (#4.4)" (2002)
John Crichton: [talking about Noranti] D, we may have to stick granny in a home.
General Ka D'Argo: I think we should burn her.
John Crichton: You burn your old folks?
General Ka D'Argo: No. Just sounded like a good idea.

John Crichton: Grandma, you okay?
General Ka D'Argo: I think she's asleep.
John Crichton: Grandma.
General Ka D'Argo: Oy!
John Crichton: This is unbelievable. Can't cook, won't bathe, and now she's narcoleptic! She's a triple threat. Grandma get up!

John Crichton: [after Noranti gives them a full monty] Oh my god!
General Ka D'Argo: Niiiiiii!

General Ka D'Argo: That is your plan?
John Crichton: Yeah.
General Ka D'Argo: To hit him with a rock, when they have these, like, shield things?

John Crichton: Is that a head?


"Farscape: Revenging Angel (#3.16)" (2001)
John Crichton: I don't... wanna be like other people. I don't wanna be like you. I don't wanna stoop that low. Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.
Scorpius: That was a television show, John. And he made Priceline commercials. But if you insist, then look to Kirk the way he really was - savage when he had to be.
John Crichton: He's a fiction, Harv. I know the difference. I'm real, I have to live with what I do.

John Crichton: Of course you don't understand... You live in the country but you do not speak the language.

John Crichton: Dr. Chuck Jones wrote the book on these situations.

John Crichton: Lock up the women and hide the fried chicken.

John Crichton: You're very wise.
Pilot: I don't get out much, so I read.


"Farscape: Green Eyed Monster (#3.8)" (2001)
Captain Biallar Crais: John...
John Crichton: Don't call me John!
Captain Biallar Crais: Crichton, then. Are you accusing me of theft?
Aeryn Sun: Talyn, you've seen them both naked. Perhaps you can tell us who's bigger.

John Crichton: That's no moon.
Captain Biallar Crais: Talyn, focus on propulsion.
John Crichton: That's a Budong!

John Crichton: I've seen my share of hardware insertion. I'm not watching.
Aeryn Sun: It's been modified.
John Crichton: Yeah, I heard that.
Aeryn Sun: Less invasive; it's-it's safer.
John Crichton: Yes, it's new, it's improved, it's the finger of friendship! $19.95! But wait kids, there's more.
Aeryn Sun: What is the matter with you?

John Crichton: Open the door you soulless, tin-headed adolescent pig!

John Crichton: I must be smarter than I look.
Aeryn Sun: That would be easy.


"Farscape: Mind the Baby (#2.1)" (2000)
Ka D'Argo: As John once said, 'I would rather go down on a swing.'
John Crichton: Swinging. You wanna go down swinging.
Ka D'Argo: Swinging.

[playing Rock, Paper, Scissors]
John Crichton: Again?
Ka D'Argo: Yeah.
John Crichton: One, two, three.
[John throws paper, D'Argo throws rock]
Ka D'Argo: [laughs] Again, I win.
John Crichton: No, I win. Paper wraps rock.
Ka D'Argo: No, paper cannot possibly beat rock.
John Crichton: It does. Paper beats rock.
Ka D'Argo: Rock rips through paper.
John Crichton: D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rock.
Ka D'Argo: That's unrealistic.
John Crichton: Well, it's the rules. And it's not suppose to be realistic, it's supposed to be entertaining.
Ka D'Argo: My coma was more entertaining.

Ka D'Argo: You look after her while I go and break Crais' neck.
John Crichton: D'Argo, you couldn't break wind right now, I'm going.

John Crichton: You wanna have a mid-life crisis? Fine. That- Just... ditch the firm, head off to Maui, shack up with a supermodel, but you do not get to keep the Porsche.

John Crichton: Sparky. How's my favorite Hynerian?
[Rygel can't speak]
Ka D'Argo: Even I am pleased to see you.
[Rygel continues choking]
Ka D'Argo: Are, uh, are you not well?
John Crichton: You got a frog in your throat? You need a Hynerian Hymlich?
[does Hymlich on Rygel]
Dominar Rygel XVI: Fine! I'll be fine.
[sees Aeryn and starts again]
Dominar Rygel XVI: Slight case of the intons.
John Crichton: What?
Officer Aeryn Sun: It's a Hynerian airway seizure caused by very strong emotions.
John Crichton: [laughing] I didn't know you had strong emotions in you, Sparky.
Ka D'Argo: Other than, uh, greed of course.


"Farscape: PK Tech Girl (#1.5)" (1999)
Gilina: I can't believe you're not Sebacean.
John Crichton: Human. It's kinda like Sebacean, but we haven't conquered other worlds yet, so we just kick the crap out of each other.

Aeryn Sun: Someone has regenerated communications.
John Crichton: Recently? Or do you guys have like the best car batteries of all time?

General Ka D'Argo: This ship is legendary. Even in my culture, it was thought invincible.
John Crichton: Yeah, well, just ask Leonardo DiCaprio. Even the big ones go down.

John Crichton: They spit fire? How come nobody tells me this stuff? How come nobody tells me they spit fire?

Gilina: Thank you for stopping her from killing me today.
John Crichton: Well, you know, I try to save a life a day. Usually it's my own...


"Farscape: A Human Reaction (#1.16)" (1999)
John Crichton: Yeah, I've been here. Been in there.
[opens men's bathroom door]
John Crichton: Nothing new.
[shuts door and walks away, then stops]
John Crichton: But I've never been in there.
[walks to women's bathroom and opens door]

Alien: It also led us to a familiar conclusion.
John Crichton: Which was?
Alien: That the highest life form on the planet is also the most destructive.

Dominar Rygel XVI: What? It's just a tiny blue planet. What are you getting so worked up about? Nah, it's got no particle rings, no red moons.
Chiana: Totally unimpressive.
John Crichton: That's Earth. That's my home.

Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: John Crichton, remember, there's a part of me inside you. Take care of it.
John Crichton: I will.


"Farscape: Suns and Lovers (#3.2)" (2001)
John Crichton: Where do they get these stories? Let's set the facts straight. First off, there was no raping; very little pillaging and Frau Blucher popped all the eyeballs.

John Crichton: What did you buy?
Aeryn Sun: Just some essentials.
John Crichton: Would that be floss? Lipliner?
Aeryn Sun: Weapons. I traded a pulse pistol for some original Tarik deployers.
John Crichton: Cool.

Borlik: Where are you going?
John Crichton: You win. We lose. You outsmarted us.
[Borlik starts chuckling]
John Crichton: But that door you're stuck to. It's detachable.
Borlik: No!
John Crichton: Yes!
Borlik: No! You lie! No, you'll still be purified! The Holy Gazmah's punishment will still be brought down upon the infidels!
John Crichton: Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah.
[Borlick starts chanting]
John Crichton: Pilot! I'm clear! Detach the door, and suck this bitch out!
[closes the door. Pilot laughs as he detaches the door]

John Crichton: It's Scooby Doo time.


"Farscape: Exodus from Genesis (#1.2)" (1999)
Aeryn Sun: I'm sure your world has no force so ruthless, so disciplined.
John Crichton: Oh, we call 'em linebackers, or serial killers. Depends on whether they're professional or amateur.

General Ka D'Argo: We will cut off the tip of our small finger for identification.
John Crichton: [picks up spray paint] How 'bout something a little less permanent?

[talking about a very slow ship]
John Crichton: Hetch 7? Thing's a Hyundai. Why don't we stop playing hide-and-seek and just smoke 'em?

Aeryn Sun: No offense, human, but what can I possibly need from you?
John Crichton: [under his breath] Oh, I don't know. Manners? Personality? Stock Tips?


"Farscape: Dog with Two Bones (#3.22)" (2002)
John Crichton: Do you love John Crichton?
[pause]
John Crichton: Not him, not me, John Crichton.
Officer Aeryn Sun: Yes.

Officer Aeryn Sun: Do you love Aeryn Sun?
[pause]
John Crichton: Beyond hope.

[Moya has just been sucked through a wormhole, leaving John all alone in space]
John Crichton: You have got to be kidding me.

John Crichton: Dog with two bones.
Utu-Noranti Pralatong: Unfamiliar.
John Crichton: Dog, animal, it's a pet. He has this bone. It's the most important thing in the world; he carries it everywhere he goes. And, uh, one day he goes down to the water and he sees another dog with a bone reflected on the surface. It's identical. And he wants that bone too, so he opens his mouth to grab it and his bone falls in the water and it disappears. It's gone. And he's left standing there... looking at himself. And he has nothing.


"Farscape: Thanks for Sharing (#3.7)" (2001)
John Crichton: You been lyin' to your daddy, boy, and you know you shouldn't lie to your daddy. It's gonna stop. Who's your daddy? C'mon, you know who your daddy is. Who's your daddy? D'Argo, tell him who his daddy is.
General Ka D'Argo: I'M your daddy.

John Crichton: Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.

[while setting up a bluff attack run on a planet]
John Crichton: Crais, I want you to find the fattest target you can. Government house, missile site, McDonalds, whatever.

Capt. Bialar Crais: You don't believe me, Crichton.
John Crichton: Only because I know you.


"Farscape: Out of Their Minds (#2.9)" (2000)
John Crichton: [as Rygel] Uh, Crichton?
Aeryn Sun: [as John] What?
John Crichton: [as Rygel] Eh, can you show me how to do this?
Aeryn Sun: [as John] Oh my God. Unzip.
John Crichton: [as Rygel] Right.
Aeryn Sun: [as John] Pull it out. Point it like a gun. And shoot.
John Crichton: [as Rygel] Aimed the right way?
Aeryn Sun: [as John] Yes. That's fine.

[Moya and her crew have encountered a hostile ship]
John Crichton: Have we sent the "Don't shoot us, we're pathetic" transmission yet?

Aeryn Sun: You were in my shoes, I was in your pants.
John Crichton: Excuse me...?
[she gives him a coy look, he laughs and chases after her]

John Crichton: [as Aeryn] Just shoot us, Zhann, full power. And don't worry, we'll have the screen up.
Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: Are you sure about this, Crichton?
Aeryn Sun: [as Rygel] Shoot the damn gun, ya blue-assed bitch! I'm sick of all this.


"Farscape: Bad Timing (#4.22)" (2003)
John Crichton: And the baby?
Officer Aeryn Sun: It's yours.
[pause]
Officer Aeryn Sun: I just wanted to tell you. Hope it doesn't change anything.
John Crichton: [pause] Well it changes everything.
[stands]
John Crichton: WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! YEAH! FRELL YEAH! WE ARE GONNA HAVE A BABY!
Chiana: [inside Moya] Wh- What's going on?
Ka D'Argo: Now John seems very, very angry.

Officer Aeryn Sun: [as they're about to be strafed] You and your timing.
John Crichton: I love you.
[They kiss and get crystallized]
Ka D'Argo: NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!

Chiana: Sex does it.
General Ka D'Argo: For you.
Chiana: For everyone. Sex.
John Crichton: With you? Or with him?
Chiana: Whatever.

John Crichton: What did you imagine... for your life?
Aeryn Sun: Service, promotion, retirement, death. You?
John Crichton: This is exactly what I imagined.


"Farscape: Crichton Kicks (#4.1)" (2002)
[John and Aeryn in a dream of John's, talking about their child]
John Crichton: Maybe it's not mine at all.
Aeryn Sun: You just won't let that rest, will you?
John Crichton: Nah. Maybe it's got a little pony tail and a teeny, tiny goatee.
Aeryn Sun: Maybe.
John Crichton: Maybe there's half a metal face on it.
Aeryn Sun: Maybe.
John Crichton: Maybe it's a royal pain in the ass, eats all the time and farts a lot.
Aeryn Sun: Then we'll know it's yours.

Sikozu: Shift your gravity center, hurry.
John Crichton: Do what?

Chiana: What if the creature's waiting?
John Crichton: Then piss it off.
Chiana: How?
John Crichton: Pretend it's me.

Sikozu: They know we're here.
John Crichton: Oh, nothing gets by you, does it?


"Farscape: A Clockwork Nebari (#2.18)" (2000)
John Crichton: You, me and Pilot, we're the only ones who aren't Nebari puppets.
Dominar Rygel XVI: I'm nobody's puppet!

John Crichton: Bitchin', man.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Bitchin'.

John Crichton: Shyeah. It'd totally screw the pooch, babe.


"Farscape: I Shrink Therefore I Am (#4.8)" (2002)
Scorpius: [to bounty hunter] Hello. Are you looking for someone.
[tries to fire his weapon, realizes it's empty turns to the side]
Scorpius: Thank you, John.
John Crichton: [after killing the bounty hunter] Didn't think I'd give you a loaded weapon did you?

Dominar Rygel XVI: [over the comms] Crichton?
John Crichton: Yeah, Ryg.
Dominar Rygel XVI: There's a wrinkled old woman floating outside the forward portal.
John Crichton: Whoa. Gigantic oops.
[to D'Argo]
John Crichton: Can you do me a favor? Pop outside the tier three treblin side hatch and haul Granny in.
General Ka D'Argo: Noranti is outside?
John Crichton: Yeah. Don't-don't ask. She's-she's got some red Play-Doh in her pocket. Dose of that when she gets in, she should be all right.

John Crichton: How are my little inaction figures?


"Farscape: Self Inflicted Wounds: Part 2 - Wait for the Wheel (#3.4)" (2001)
Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: If I am so needed and so valued and so wise then you will honor my words. You will obey me. For the longest time I feared physical demise because my spiritual essence was suspect. But now I know I'm worthy. Now I know the transgressions have melted from my soul. Now I know I shall meet my goddess and be accepted to her bosom. Sensitive D'Argo, exuberant Chiana, wise Rygel, selfless Aeryn, innocent Crichton. My children, my teachers, my loves, there is no guilt, there is no blame, only what is meant to be. Grow through your mistakes and know that if patient, redemption will find you.
John Crichton: Wait for the wheel.

John Crichton: My grandmother used to say that life is a great wheel. Sometimes it grinds you down to the mud, and other times it lifts you up into the light.
Ka D'Argo: Are we strapped to this wheel?
John Crichton: That's a given. The point is, is that most times you get a second chance. You just gotta wait for the wheel.

John Crichton: [to Jool] Welcome to the Federation Starshipp SS Buttcrack.
[slaps his butt]


"Farscape: Unrealized Reality (#4.11)" (2002)
[in an alternate timeline when he meets Aeryn]
John Crichton: Oh, baby, you had me at hello.

Einstein: Time is meaningless yet it is all that exists.
John Crichton: Very Mooris-ey.

[Chrichton has gone back in time to his first day on Moya, and knows exactly what will happen]
John Crichton: WHAT is the MATTER with you people? Tongue!
[D'Argo stings him with his tongue]


"Farscape: Look at the Princess: Part 1: A Kiss Is But a Kiss (#2.11)" (2000)
[after a kiss]
Aeryn Sun: No, I will not be a slave to your hormones.
John Crichton: My hormones? Hey, I was lips, you were tongue!

John Crichton: After we're married, and I mean right after we're married, they turn us into statues!
Ka D'Argo: [beat] That... is... fascinating...
John Crichton: Excellent. D'Argo discovers science!

[about Crichton getting turned into a statue for 80 years]
John Crichton: Humans do not live as long as Sebaceans, or Hynerians or Delvians. When I get back, everyone, my Dad, DK, my sisters, Cameron Diaz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be dead.
Ka D'Argo: Well, you may never see these people again anyway.
John Crichton: Hope, D'Argo. It's what keeps you going. Your gonna see your son. I'm gonna get home. Hope, I have hope... or I have nothing.


"Farscape: Season of Death (#3.1)" (2001)
[D'Argo and Crichton are trying to escape from a Scarran who is blasting heat rays through a door to get inside, so Crichton opens a door to snow storm temperatures]
General Ka D'Argo: WHOA! I hate the cold!
John Crichton: Freeze or fry!
General Ka D'Argo: ...Freeze.

[Trying to elude the Scarran]
John Crichton: Think he's following?
General Ka D'Argo: Better hope he is!
John Crichton: Sounds like you got a plan.
General Ka D'Argo: We're gonna bring him out here and see how he likes being in the cold.
John Crichton: And what if he likes it?
General Ka D'Argo: Look, one plan at a time!

John Crichton: [inside his head] Can I get a "Hell yeah"?
Imaginary Crowd: Hell yeah!


"Farscape: Taking the Stone (#2.3)" (2000)
Dominar Rygel XVI: Well, where did you bury your leaders on Earp?
John Crichton: Just underground.
[shouting]
John Crichton: Chiana!
Dominar Rygel XVI: Next to where you lived? That's disgusting.

John Crichton: Be nice.
Officer Aeryn Sun: I'm not good at nice.
John Crichton: Just don't shoot her.

John Crichton: Lately, do I seem a little crazy to you?
Officer Aeryn Sun: What do you mean, 'lately'?


"Farscape: Twice Shy (#4.14)" (2003)
John Crichton: Oh, you do not scare me, missy.

John Crichton: I know you can see me. Bad guys always see me. My plans suck. People die. It's always a mess.

Aeryn Sun: No. I'm going to tell you how it's going to go from now on. *You* are going to stop sniffing this dren...
John Crichton: Shut up!
Aeryn Sun: Don't you tell me to shut up!
John Crichton: [moves away from Aeryn] Pilot. My comms are a bit buggy. Can you test the system please?
Pilot: [over the comms] Yes, Commander. But that will take all comms offline for about 30 microts.
John Crichton: I thought so. That'll be fine.
[moves closer to Aeryn]
John Crichton: Shut up and listen to me. Scorpius is here. Looking for the key to what's inside my head. The neural chip, aurora chair, threatening Earth, none of it works because he does not *understand* me.
Aeryn Sun: Stop using him as an excuse!
John Crichton: Please!
[pause]
John Crichton: You're the key. My achilles. You. If he figures that out. The world and all that's in it is nothing. He will use you and the baby, and I will not be able to stop him.
Aeryn Sun: So you think he's been using the comms? Look at what it's done to you. You're completely paranoid.
Scorpius: [over the comms] Pilot, are we having a problem with the comms?
Pilot: I was just checking them. Some slight irregularities but they appear to be functioning normally.
Aeryn Sun: So it's over.
John Crichton: It's over.
Aeryn Sun: There's nothing more between us.
John Crichton: Nothing.
[they kiss]


"Farscape: Bone to Be Wild (#1.21)" (2000)
Chiana: Distress call? Directed at-at us?
John Crichton: [laughing] How stupid is that?

Ka D'Argo: Zhaan, let me explain to you what's going on inside my nose right now. There's large pieces of green mucus and gunk...
John Crichton: D'Argo. D'Argo. No, no, no, no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.

Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: There is much cruelty in the universe.
John Crichton: Yeah, we seem to have a treasure map to it.


"Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton (#1.14)" (1999)
[Whispering to D'Argo after Rygel has been mistaken as a god by another race]
John Crichton: The Slug Who Would Be King.

John Crichton: I'm sick of Napoleon XIV, I'm sick of Blue, I'm sick of tentacle boy, and guess what? I'm sick of you. I'm sick of this whole turd-burp end of the universe.

Lishala: You've done nothing to harm us since you came. Why do they wish to hurt you?
John Crichton: Lishala, Rokon believes that your heart strays my direction.
Lishala: Perhaps he's right.


"Farscape: We're So Screwed: Part 3: La Bomba (#4.21)" (2003)
Scorpius: [after Crichton drops the bomb down the shaft] What have you done, John?
John Crichton: Fixed your little flower problem.
Officer Aeryn Sun: You reactivated it, didn't you?
John Crichton: It should go off in 60 microts.
Chiana: Then it explodes?
John Crichton: Yeah
Chiana: A big explosion?
John Crichton: Oh god, we should have voted first. All in favor show of hands
[pause - Crichton, Aeryn and Scorpius raise their hands]
John Crichton: Those opposed.
[pause - Chiana and D'Argo raise their hands]
John Crichton: Motion passes 3-2 with Sikozu abstaining.

Dominar Rygel XVI: [over the comms] Crichton? Crichton! Where are you? You farhbot! Did you blow up the bomb? How could you blow up the bomb?
John Crichton: You missed the vote.

John Crichton: I can't believe it. I left a nuclear bomb in an elevator.


"Farscape: Won't Get Fooled Again (#2.15)" (2000)
Captain Biallar Crais: Freeze. You're under arrest. You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney. If you cannot afford one... tough noogies. You can make ONE phone call. I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple-5-LOVE. Do you understand these rights as I've explained them to you?
John Crichton: No
Captain Biallar Crais: Then I can't arrest you!

General Ka D'Argo: John, I really need to just unburden myself on you.
John Crichton: What?
General Ka D'Argo: Well, lately I've been thinking about you in a very different way.
John Crichton: Uh huh.
General Ka D'Argo: Mmm hmmm, and I was wondering if you would mind participating with me in a little Luxan bonding ritual. Here's the thing okay? What we need are some chains, uh, my Qualta blade, just a little squirt of lutra oil and- Oh! Chiana.
John Crichton: Chiana?
General Ka D'Argo: Yeah, she wants to watch.
John Crichton: Oh, no.
General Ka D'Argo: Oh, yes.

Captain Bialar Crais: FREEZE! You're under arrest! You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one - tough noogies! You can make one phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976 - Triple 5 - "LOVE"! DO YOU UUDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS I HAVE EXPLAINED THEM TO YOU? WELL DO YOU, PUNK?
John Crichton: No...
Captain Bialar Crais: THEN I CAN'T ARREST YOU!


"Farscape: Infinite Possibilities: Part 1 - Daedalus Demands (#3.14)" (2001)
[Crichton is trying to get the Scorpius Neural Clone, Harvey, removed from his mind]
Scorpius: And after you've done his dirty work for him, he will terminate you, Furlow, Rygel, Stark, Aeryn...
John Crichton: Do not play the Aeryn card Scorp, you killed her.
Scorpius: Aeryn is alive.
John Crichton: Now Zhaan's gone, who do I thank for that?

John Crichton: [to Aeryn] Do me a favor, take Smiley here and stash him somewhere on your way out.
Zylar: You fear me.
John Crichton: No, you just smell.


"Farscape: Liars, Guns and Money: Part 1: A Not So Simple Plan (#2.19)" (2001)
Stark: You want revenge.
John Crichton: No, I don't. I wanna kill him. That's justice.

Officer Aeryn Sun: What are you doing?
John Crichton: Doin' what guys do best. I'm looking for Baywatch.


"Farscape: Nerve (#1.19)" (2000)
[John plans to infiltrate the Peacekeeper Base by impersonating a Sebacean]
Dominar Rygel XVI: You aren't just fahr-bot, you're *magra* fahr-bot.
John Crichton: I did it before, I can do it again.
Chiana: Yeah, by the skin of your mivonks.

John Crichton: Danger... danger Will Robinson. Beware of the chair. Beware of the chair.


"Farscape: Relativity (#3.10)" (2001)
John Crichton: OK, welcome to the butthole of the universe.

Capt. Bialar Crais: We have no idea where we are going. We could be going around in circles.
John Crichton: We're not going in circles, nimrod, 'cause we've never been here before. We're completely lost.


"Farscape: Infinite Possibilities: Part 2 - Icarus Abides (#3.15)" (2001)
[John is dying from Radiation poisoning]
Officer Aeryn Sun: I'm very angry.
John Crichton: Me too.
Officer Aeryn Sun: We had good times.
John Crichton: I wouldn't change it for the world. You made me a better person.
Officer Aeryn Sun: That wasn't hard. I love you. So much.
John Crichton: I love you.
Officer Aeryn Sun: I would've gone to Earth.
John Crichton: I'm sorry you never got to meet my Dad, my real Dad. I'm... sorry I never met your Dad. I'm sorry about a lot of things.
Officer Aeryn Sun: Don't be. I don't want you to go that way.
John Crichton: I won't. Ugh.
Officer Aeryn Sun: What?
John Crichton: They say... it's a lucky or an unambitious man who goes when he's ready. That said... Scorpius is gone, I'm at peace, I don't hurt. I... I did some good things. I'm proud of my life... when I'm with you. Don't worry about me. I've never felt better.

John Crichton: Furlow, is it always about the money?
Furlow: Is there anything else? I mean, how much sex can you have?
John Crichton: I don't know. I haven't maxed out yet.


"Farscape: Kansas (#4.12)" (2002)
[on Earth in the year 1986, John Crichton has altered the timeline and has become semi-corporal]
John Crichton: I'm Casper the Friggin' Joke...

[as a teenager, talking to his father]
John Crichton: Yo, hero. Read the middle finger.


"Farscape: Dream a Little Dream (#2.8)" (2000)
John Crichton: [singing] Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you. Sweet dreams that leave your worries behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.
Zhaan: I was. I keep seeing you die.

John Crichton: Screw 'em, Zhaany. You're a tenth level Pa'u. You get to eleven, we get a TV ministry.


"Farscape: Rhapsody in Blue (#1.13)" (1999)
John Crichton: [pointing at Aeryn] That's my underwear.
Aeryn Sun: [reaching back to see the tag] What does this say?
John Crichton: Calvin.
Aeryn Sun: Then, they're not yours.

Dominar Rygel XVI: I like my wives pregnant and my ships cold to the touch. That way my feet stay warm and my slumber is uninterrupted.
John Crichton: Wives plural? Big fella!
[high fives him]


"Farscape: I, E.T. (#1.7)" (1999)
John Crichton: You okay?
Dominar Rygel XVI: Okay? No I'm not okay. We're in the mud. Under the mud.
Aeryn Sun: You're Hynerian. You're aquatic, what's your problem?
Dominar Rygel XVI: Aquatic? That's water, not mud. Mud is... mud. You can't breathe in it, you can't move in it. It holds you, it grabs you, it sucks you down. You wanna know about mud? I know about mud.
John Crichton: Guy knows mud.

Pilot: With apologies, but that is Moya's primary neural nexus. It is an intensely sensitive area.
John Crichton: Well, how sensitive is sensitive?
Aeryn Sun: Look, she's just gonna have to endure it.
John Crichton: Could *you* be a little sensitive?


"Farscape: That Old Black Magic (#1.8)" (1999)
Maldis: Your mother's maiden name was MacDougal. You skipped third grade. And you lost your virginity to Karen Shaw in the back of a minivan!
John Crichton: Uh, it wasn't a minivan, it was a... four-by...

John Crichton: [to Rygel] It's not Kansas, and you're way too homely to be Auntie Em. Come here, Toto.


"Farscape: The Flax (#1.12)" (1999)
Staanz: I'm lonely. Everybody needs a mate, Ka D'Argo. Even you.
John Crichton: A mate?
Staanz: I am the female of the species, you know that, don't you? In fact, false modesty aside, I'm, uh, I'm considered quite the Zenetan beauty.
John Crichton: You know, big guy, I think I'd better give you a little time alone here, 'cause you know, in a universe this vast, when two hearts collide...
General Ka D'Argo: Shut up.

Officer Aeryn Sun: Can you pass me that ax?
John Crichton: Yeah. What are you gonna do with it?
Officer Aeryn Sun: I'm gonna hack my foot off.
John Crichton: Oh, no, well let me, then.


"Farscape: Home on the Remains (#2.7)" (2000)
John Crichton: You can eat anything if it's fried.

John Crichton: I hope it's not a cold, 'cause I'm sure not gonna get any chicken soup on a Budong.
Chiana: Look, I don't know what cheekan zoop is, okay? But there's plenty of other food at the mining camp.


"Farscape: A Bug's Life (#1.18)" (1999)
John Crichton: Twisted as it sounds, what we have right here is exactly what we need, guns in lots of hands pointed in every direction.

Officer Aeryn Sun: Thank you.
John Crichton: Don't mention it.
Officer Aeryn Sun: Why would I ever mention it?


"Farscape: Back and Back and Back to the Future (#1.3)" (1999)
Ka D'Argo: Do you mock me?
John Crichton: D'Argo, I mock all of us.

Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: Is something wrong, John?
John Crichton: Something's happening and I... Something like I've just been... I'm just gonna get some air.
Aeryn Sun: We have air in here. What is the matter with him?
Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: He is Crichton.


"Farscape: Losing Time (#3.9)" (2001)
John Crichton: We're gonna have a little chat. Moya must know that there's something seriously wrong with Pilot. We gotta get that thing out of him. Does she have any idea how we can do that?
Pike DRD: Beep.
John Crichton: You understand any of this?
Chiana: No.
John Crichton: Alright, we don't understand the R2D2 crap. We're going to use the Star Trek system. One blink for yes, two blinks for no.

John Crichton: Anything strange happen to you guys?
General Ka D'Argo: I live on this ship. Something strange always happens.


"Farscape: A Prefect Murder (#4.9)" (2002)
Prefect Falaak: [about Aeryn] Seems a bit moody...
John Crichton: Man, you should have met her mother.

Officer Aeryn Sun: I'm getting a really bad ribe.
John Crichton: Oh, god, she's talking English. Vibe. It's a really bad vibe.


"Farscape: Natural Election (#4.6)" (2002)
Officer Aeryn Sun: I didn't wanna tell you about the pregnancy until I was sure.
John Crichton: Sure you were pregnant or sure who the father was?
Officer Aeryn Sun: Chiana will be killed.

Ka D'Argo: See plant, kill plant.
John Crichton: That's gotta be on the Luxan coat of arms.


"Farscape: Terra Firma (#4.13)" (2003)
John Crichton: Space travel was your dream to unite mankind. When did that change?
Jack Crichton: September the 11th. This isn't the same world you left four years ago, son. You just don't understand the global situation.


"Farscape: Look at the Princess: Part 2: I Do, I Think (#2.12)" (2000)
John Crichton: [before Crichton gets turned into a statue] Aw, this is not happening. Just feel free to wake me up any time, D'Argo.
General Ka D'Argo: Well, now, I can only speak truth. And that comes as good and bad news.
John Crichton: All right, give me the bad news first.
General Ka D'Argo: The bad news is that you're married and you must endure as a statue for 80 cycles on a strange world.
John Crichton: What's the good news?
General Ka D'Argo: Chiana and I are having fantastic sex.


"Farscape: Vitas Mortis (#2.2)" (2000)
Dominar Rygel XVI: If I must. But you're worrying for nothing. Hull breaches are nearly unheard of on Leviathans.
[Moya shakes and a sound of wisping wind is heard]
John Crichton: Pilot, what the hell's going on?


"Farscape: Incubator (#3.11)" (2001)
John Crichton: You're the one who decided we should stay away and let them deal with it.
Ka D'Argo: Which suits you perfectly so you can indulge yourself.
John Crichton: Fine, I'm indulging myself. Maybe I'm entitled once in a while.
Ka D'Argo: Yep, once in a while.
John Crichton: You wanna push this? Mr. Let's Go Find My Son?


"Farscape: Fractures (#3.18)" (2001)
John Crichton: [holding up shirts] Which one, green or black?
Ka D'Argo: This is not the time.
John Crichton: D'Argo, green or black?
Ka D'Argo: Well, the black of course. I mean, far be it for me to say, but I've always thought that the cut of that green shirt doesn't suit the shape of your body.


"Farscape: Liars, Guns and Money: Part 2: With Friends Like These... (#2.20)" (2001)
Scorpius: [in John's head] There are vast regions of your brain that are filled with nothing but... gibberish.
John Crichton: That would be high school.


"Farscape: Beware of Dog (#2.14)" (2000)
[knocking on glass of cage with gun]
John Crichton: Hey little fella. We're going to roll the dice. But you make one wrong move I will shoot you. You understand shoot? Ka-tow, ka-tow, ka-tow. Little bolts of light. Ooouch.


"Farscape: A Constellation of Doubt (#4.17)" (2003)
John Crichton: Sikozu Shanu?
Sikozu: No.
John Crichton: Nothing?
Sikozu: A reasonable interpretation of the word "no".


"Farscape: Durka Returns (#1.15)" (1999)
Voice of Pilot: We are about to exit starburst. There is no reason for concern.
John Crichton: Famous last words.


"Farscape: Picture If You Will (#2.6)" (2000)
John Crichton: Haven't you read the Super Villain's Handbook? This is where you're supposed to twirl your mustache and gloat.


"Farscape: The Ugly Truth (#2.17)" (2000)
[Crais is explaining to Crichton that he didn't start the fight in which Talyn was severely injured]
Captain Crais: You don't believe me, Crichton.
John Crichton: Only because I know you.


"Farscape: Die Me, Dichotomy (#2.22)" (2001)
Grunchlk: After the Doc's cut the tendrils that have hijacked your brain, he's gonna try and take out the neuro chip completely. But he needs your help.
John Crichton: What do I gotta do?
Grunchlk: Because there is no template of your brain pattern on our database, he doesn't know what bits o' grey do what. So when he probes, you tell him.
John Crichton: Right. Where will you be?
Grunchlk: Anywhere else. I vomit when things get messy.


"Farscape: ...Different Destinations (#3.5)" (2001)
[Several members of the crew have been flung back in time]
Aeryn Sun: You know if we did change things it is possible that we could improve the future.
John Crichton: With our record you think that's gonna happen?
Aeryn Sun: I guess not.


"Farscape: Into the Lion's Den: Part 1 - Lambs to the Slaughter (#3.20)" (2002)
John Crichton: I came to work.
Scorpius: For or against me?


"Farscape: Coup by Clam (#4.10)" (2002)
Officer Aeryn Sun: Jurl power.
John Crichton: Girl. Girl power! Would you quit speakin' English!


"Farscape: The Hidden Memory (#1.20)" (2000)
Scorpius: What won't you tell me? I already know everything else. I know you're living on a stolen leviathan with escaped prisoners. And I know that leviathan is pregnant.
John Crichton: You know who the daddy is?


"Farscape: Look at the Princess: Part 3: The Maltese Crichton (#2.13)" (2000)
[D'argo had just jumped over a vat of something unpleasant and deadly in order to save Chiana]
John Crichton: How Batman was that?


"Farscape: Scratch 'N Sniff (#3.13)" (2001)
John Crichton: Obfuscation? How the hell does that translate?


Farscape: The Game (2002) (VG)
John Robert Crichton, Jr.: [finds a pulse pistol] What do we have here? A pulse pistol. What are you doing here on your own? You're going to come in handy. You need a name... Winona. I'm gonna call you Winona.


"Farscape: They've Got a Secret (#1.10)" (1999)
Zhaan: Pilot, there must be other changes to come as the fetus develops. What can we be expecting?
John Crichton: Yeah, is there some kind of "What to Expect When You're Expecting a Baby Leviathan" book? Doctor Spock... Mister Spock...


"Farscape: Into the Lion's Den: Part 2 - Wolf in Sheep's Clothing (#3.21)" (2002)
John Crichton: Flying through wormholes ain't like dusting crops, farmboy. It takes a little finesse.